Which Jason Bateman Character Is Most Likely To Steal Your Wallet?

Jason Bateman, as an actor, possesses great warmth and humor, but he also plays a great con artist. In the new comedy Extract, he plays a factory owner who does a bit of scheming of his own, and if you look back over the guy's career, it really isn't a surprise.

So we wondered: Of all the slicksters and semi-slicksters he has played, who is the slickest?

Michael Bluth, Arrested Development
Risk level: Low

Yes, Michael was capable of the odd caper now and then, mostly when the rest of his family forced him into it. And yes, he had questionable judgment with regard to girlfriends. But there's no malice in Michael; certainly nothing that would lead you to believe he was after your possessions.

James Cooper Ingalls, Little House On The Prairie
Risk level: Very low

After the death of his biological parents, James was raised by Pa and Ma. (Bateman joined the show late in the run, as the original children aged and it became clear that you could not make an entire show about Laura and Almanzo fighting over tarragon.) If the child had ever in his life been destined for a life of crime, Pa and Ma would surely have put a stop to it.

Corrupting Ricky Schroder, Very Special Episodes, and much more, after the jump...

 

Derek, Silver Spoons
Risk level: High

Now this one was trouble. Even Ricky (Ricky Schroeder) knows he's "a bad seed," and tells his father so in this episode.

Look at that two-handed handshake! That kid hasn't even hit puberty! He is up to absolutely no good. Yes, yes, later on, he went through the expected "enemy becomes your friend" pattern that was so common on half-hour comedies aimed at the middle-school set, but if you see this particular fellow coming, cover your pockets.

Matthew Burton, It's Your Move
Risk level: Surprisingly low

An unjustly forgotten little gem of a silly mid-'80s sitcom, It's Your Move had Bateman playing another little stinker, only this time he really did have a heart of gold. He was forever inventing assorted schemes and plots, but always to help someone he cared about — his mother, the sister he hated, or his rather hapless best pal. (Incidentally, watching him address his buddies starting at about the 45-second mark of this clip, you can absolutely see comedy rhythms that Bateman still uses as an adult.)

Matthew would only steal your wallet if he had a good reason, so if you're on the right side of the angels, you have nothing to fear from him.

Todd Howard, Teen Wolf Too
Risk level: Unknown

In order to properly answer this question, one would have to have seen Teen Wolf Too, and despite my near-pathological inability to avoid being eventually conked on the head by every noteworthy piece of pop-culture detritus, I believe I have actually never seen Teen Wolf Too. Feel free to offer your assessments in the comments.

David Hogan, Valerie/The Hogan Family
Risk level: Low

This show was far too cautious for any real criminal potential to develop. As adventurous as it ever got was the Very Special Episode about condoms.

This is a lot of "responsibility" talk, and it makes one suspect that in all likelihood, the possibility of theft was excised from David's plans very early.

Mark Loring, Juno
Risk level: Surprisingly high

While Mark does not seem to be overtly malicious in most regards, he is the kind of person for whom the word "sketchy" was invented. Wallet-stealing might be a little beyond his level of daring, but if you were running an organization with him, you wouldn't want him to be the treasurer. There is a wonderful line in the original film Parenthood where Steve Martin quietly tells one of his little children about their uncle (Tom Hulce): "That's my brother Larry. Don't loan him any money." The same could be said of Mark.

Dominic Foy, State Of Play
Risk level: Astronomical

Not a lot of people saw this Russell Crowe vehicle, but Bateman really was the best thing in it. He wasn't the kind of preppy semi-slick pretty boy he often plays; he was an all-out scumbucket. Look! Slicked-back hair and everything. Do not trust. Do not believe. Do not leave alone with your car keys.

This is not an entirely exhaustive list (Bateman also played a Kennedy once, and there's always the very weird Breaking The Rules, a 1992 movie I have actually seen in which he's dying of cancer and takes his two friends, played by Jonathan Silverman and C. Thomas Howell, on a road trip).

But if it demonstrates anything, let it be that a Jason Bateman fan and his money are soon parted. Or they might be, especially if his hair is slicked back or it's 1982. Don't say you weren't warned.