Take Our Quiz And Know For Sure: Would You Be A Good Awards-Show Host?

by Linda Holmes

Okay, so no matter what happens with the Oscar-hosting business, there are plenty of awards shows that need help. Emmys, Tonys, Oscars, Golden Globes, something with "Blockbuster" in it, that one where they give everything to Twilight, the MTV Movie Awards, the MTV Video Music Awards, the MTV Inappropriate Hot-Tub Moment Of The Year ... it's a crowded field, and many hosts are needed.

Always eager to help, we have developed the following quiz to help you determine whether you would be a good awards-show host and to decide, What Color Is Your Parachute?-style, whether this is an avenue you should pursue.

1. Do you own a tuxedo and/or formal gown?

A. I do, and I wore it to the grocery store just the other day to bring some glamour to the frozen-pizza section.
B. I do, and I'm fairly sure it's in a bag under my unopened action figures.
C. I own several tuxedos and formal gowns. You may know me as The Wax Museum Bandit.
D. That's not how we roll in my grunge band.

2. How do you feel about performing scripted banter written by Bruce Vilanch?

A. He's the professional, right? If scripted banter were unsuccessful, or, say, had bombed fifty years in a row, they would have stopped using it.
B. It's okay, but I'd like to get someone a little less highbrow.
C. That would be great! I was really upset that he wasn't available to ghost my Christmas letter last year.
D. I'm not sure I see how excelling in the decathlon qualifies anyone to write jokes, but I guess that's our devotion to celebrity culture for you.

3. If I asked you to complete the sentence, "Jack Nicholson is here tonight, and ... ," how would you respond?

A. " ... his date is younger than my socks, ho-ho-ho!"
B. " ... he ... can't handle the truth. Um. Anyway. Here's the cast of Twilight: New Moon."
C. I would definitely not point out that he hasn't really worked that much in a while, or that I'm not sure why he still gets to sit in the front row, and I would definitely not question his choice of indoor eyewear or suggest that he has become a caricature. I absolutely would not. In fact, we never had this conversation.
D. I would explain how overpraised many American actors are, using the words "the underrated Kurt Russell."

4. What is your position regarding parody songs?

A. They are the highest form of humor. My "Eine Kleine Yachtmusik," which tells the story of a man thrown overboard during a boating excursion, is considered a classic, if I do say so myself.
B. I only own Weird Al on vinyl.
C. I once rewrote "You Raise Me Up" as a McDonald's commercial. It wasn't exactly funny, but it was really uplifting. In one part, there was a grease burn that magically healed itself.
D. I hate music. And humor. And puns. Go away and leave me alone.

5. When you introduce a presenter you do not really respect, you should do what?

A. Smile hard, emphasizing your incisors, which ancient cultures believed were the keys to communicating forced merriment.
B. Make a face as if you can smell something, but you are not sure what it is.
C. Sarcastically say, "I just couldn't be happier to introduce this brilliant thespian."
D. Boo lustily while making exaggerated "thumbs down" gestures.

Five more questions, after the jump.

6. How do you feel about dance numbers in which, for instance, performers attempt to tell the story of Fargo in the dance?

A. Without them, we would never have developed the Wood-Chipper Pirouette.
B. Well, how else can a television broadcast give you a sense of an artistic project that was committed the film? I mean, they're kind of in a tough spot.
C. They're okay, except when Rob Lowe is dressed up as Snow White. I'm pretty sure I'm remembering that right.
D. The bloodier, the better.

7. How long do you believe an awards show should be?

A. It should run three minutes over, so as not to appear disorganized, but to emphasize that there was, just barely, too much fun for the allotted time.
B. My motto is "no lawyer or agent unthanked," so it's really not a hard and fast rule so much as a matter of adjusting to the artistic needs of the piece.
C. Six or seven hours would be good. I like the part where they read the rules.
D. Until somebody falls down, and then you just cut and print.

8. While you are hosting, a streaker runs across the stage behind you. What do you say to the audience?

A. "Hey, what was that thing David Niven said? That was so awesome. I wish I could remember that."
B. "In response to that incident of streaking, I'd like to tell all of you that The Ugly Truth was a complete [deleted] [deleted] [deleted], and I don't care who knows it, and you should consider this part of the same incident for the purposes of determining our FCC fine."
C. "And now, Best Live-Action Short. What? It's the next award. You people are so immature."
D. "Heh-heh. Heh-heh-heh. Heh. Heh-heh. Heh-heh-heh."

9. If you had to fill three minutes of airtime on your own, what would you do?

A. Your hilarious stand-up routine about how women are like this, but guys are like that, and how about that Jon Gosselin and balloon boy?
B. Madonna's "Live To Tell," which you would perform a cappella as a salute to the great music of the movies.
C. A three-minute descent into madness, at the close of which you say, "I still can't believe I gave up my chance at medical school," tear off your bow tie/earrings, and storm off the stage in tears.
D. Your collection of Monty Python and Princess Bride quotes.

10. If you could only add one element to the next awards show you host, what would it be?

A. Greater integrity in voting, to ensure that everyone accepts that an award is an award, and it must be obeyed, and there's no point in arguing with us because we just told you what the best movie is, so if you don't want to listen, that's fine, we'll just be over here.
B. More dancing bears. Lots and lots of dancing bears.
C. A dunking booth in the backstage press room. While winners answer questions about what it's like to be honored, losers can throw beanbags at the target and try to drop them into the tank.
D. All awards made of super-dense material causing them to weigh approximately 80 pounds. Weak celebrities forced to leave behind their awards and retreat in shame.

About your answers: If you answered mostly A, you are probably already an awards-show host. If you answered mostly B or C, you might stand a chance of becoming an awards-show host if enough people ahead of you in the line of succession should happen to meet with unfortunate fates. If you answered mostly D, we fear that you did not take this quiz completely seriously.