'Tis The Season To Possibly Use Television As An Escape From Socializing

Look, I don't endorse using television as a substitute for talking to live humans. (You should use the Internet as a substitute for talking to live humans.) But if ever you were going to provide yourself with an emergency escape valve in the event of a little too much contact, you might choose to do so during the holiday season, when even the greatest of families can crowd living rooms and dining rooms and make you think to yourself, "I bet that somewhere in the house, The Golden Girls is on or could be on, and in that place, there might be somewhere to sit."

But, of course, this is also the season when — irony! — people who program television often assume that you would rather be with your loved ones (entirely true! up to a point!), and therefore, they cut you off from new episodes of your favorite shows for a couple of weeks.

So, with the help of this handy resource from TVTango.com, I set out to find some alternatives for those of you who need a little alone time. (I should point out that this is all in addition to the fact that, for the next four or five days, you can find cornball holiday-themed TV-movies — mostly, but not exclusively, romances — on Lifetime, the Lifetime Movie Network, and, much of the time, ABC Family. But that's the easy stuff.)

If you envied my Summer Of '80s Movies: Encore is showing a veritable smorgasbord of '80s movies running from Friday through Sunday. You'll find your The Breakfast Club and your Sixteen Candles, yes, but you'll also find your Lost In America and Pee-Wee's Big Adventure and Purple Rain. If you liked our Summer Of '80s Movies series, this giant movie-thon might be for you.

If you dislike order but enjoy Darth Vader: Spike is running all six Star Wars movies today and tomorrow, but not in the order in which they were released. The prequels are today, and the good ones are tomorrow — you could think of this as a reflection of the actual order in which they take place in the Star Wars universe, or you could think of it as a reflection of the fact that you'll get a bigger audience on the day before Christmas than two days before Christmas, so you might as well save the ones anyone cares about for the big day.

If you enjoy a split personality: AMC is showing White Christmas all day Thursday. Then they're showing National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation all day Friday.

If you like to keep it simple: Yes, NBC is showing It's A Wonderful Life on Thursday night. I warn you, though: others may want to watch with you.

Bunny suits, bad children, explosions, and violence, after the jump.

 

If you like to think of Santa in the "punishing" kind of way: There's a Supernanny marathon on the Style network all day Thursday. If your house is full of lovable but overstimulated children, a reminder that other people's children are much, much louder and much, much more likely to break things may be just the ticket. Of course, seeing how good the children you know are compared to the children who require televised intervention may compel you to run out and purchase additional gifts to reward your favorite children for, say, not spitting at you.

If you like a pink bunny suit on Christmas morning: The winner and still champ of the Christmas movie marathon is the TBS 24-hour blitz of A Christmas Story. And that movie, I am here to tell you, is still great, no matter how many times it's been played and no matter how many times its punch lines are overused. Also: you'll shoot your eye out.

If you like great titles: On Thursday evening, TLC has a special called Chainsaw Ice Sculptors. I know absolutely nothing about it, but am firmly on board.

If the holidays make you want to blow things up: Yes, Discovery has a full-day Mythbusters marathon on Friday. What time of year could be better for a show with a mix of warmth and violence?

If you want to make a New Year's resolution to tidy up: Style has a Clean House marathon on Friday. Warning: you may be seized with a desire to throw away your gifts before they become clutter.

If you still miss Patrick Swayze: The newest entry in the all-day movie marathon is the TV Guide Network's Dirty Dancing showings, which will run all day Friday.

If you just need to lie down the next day: If you will be enjoying a giant gift binge on Friday, you may need a rest on Saturday, and marathons abound so that you do not even have to pick up the remote, possibly straining a muscle in your channel-changing finger. There's an NCIS marathon on USA, a What Not To Wear marathon on TLC, an Iron Chef America marathon on the Food Network, a Dirty Jobs marathon on Discovery. Nothing taxing. Just turn it on and forget all about it, which is the same thing I recommend for that giant roast you're cooking.

If you are my mother: If I'm all over your nerves by Sunday, Mom, there's a Deadliest Catch marathon all day, which we both know you will watch. Love you!

If warm holiday cheer has given way to a strange thirst for blood: There's a CSI marathon all day Sunday, when you can wrap yourself in all your Christmas gifts and learn quite a bit about how to kill someone without getting caught.

If you are easily led: FX is running what has to be the saddest superhero movie marathon of all time. Ready for the lineup? Superman Returns; My Super Ex-Girlfriend; Spider-Man 2; Spider-Man 3; Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer; The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Do not be fooled!

If anyone is still around on Monday you'd like to convince to leave: There's a Family Matters marathon starting at 11:00 AM on TBS. Turn it on; empty your home.