Things That Would Really Make That Supposed Apple Tablet A Great Bargain

The apple logo, on the side of a building.

The Apple logo is applied in preparation for the super-secret product launch on January 26. Justin Sullivan/Getty Images hide caption

itoggle caption Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

Revives reading! Saves newspaper! Transforms media!

There is almost nothing that someone, somewhere is not prepared to say that the Apple tablet — if it exists, which we are tooootally not saying it does — will do for mankind. As for me, it would be hard to talk me into another device, another charger, and another opportunity for Kate Spade to make overpriced leather doodad cases.

But that isn't to say there are no features that could get me interested.

1. Pacino-English/English-Pacino translator

2. Tactile feedback turns Internet cat videos into modern Pat The Bunny

3. Turns bread into toast; turns toast into compressed digital toast

4. Displays alternate Sopranos ending where Don't Stop Believin' is replaced by "Alone Again, Naturally"

5. Automatically redacts all newspaper articles containing the word "blogosphere"

6. Has retractable razor-sharp edges allowing it to be flung as a powerful Frisbee-type weapon capable of killing vampires

7. Replaces chorus of Miley Cyrus' "Party In The U.S.A." with chorus of Eddie Murphy's "Party All The Time"

8. Puts right toggle button in, puts right toggle button out, puts right toggle button in, shakes it all about, does the hokey-pokey, turns itself around, and is "what it's all about," in accordance with numerous press reports

9. Tablet Potato-Head: allows attaching and reattaching of different ears, noses, plastic mustaches

10. Capable of doing magic trick involving taking out saw, cutting self in half, voiding own warranty

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