Grouchy Advice For 'Idol' Contenders Who Had A Bad Week: Women's Edition

Boy, oh boy.

Earlier this week, Stephen and I were quite optimistic about this season's American Idol finalists, in the same way one might be quite optimistic that this year's crop of gypsy moths might be less destructive than usual. That optimism did not last, so it is time to whip the contenders into shape before it's too late. Let us begin with the women, who sang on Tuesday night. (I have sometimes threatened to start an entire Internet empire called "WellHarumph.com," where I will give this kind of feedback to the universe every day, but have not yet followed through.)

Please note: For whatever reason, Fox has not ironed out how to do embedded video, so if these come up as blank squares, you can see all the performances here.

Ashley Rodriguez: Please back off the mike about a half an inch. I can hear the individual alveoli in your lungs expanding and contracting. Also, frosted lipstick is for older ladies who don't understand that frosted lipstick is actually for nobody. You are a decent singer, but you are singing everything in the same tone, wearing the same grin, and it's creeping me out. When your song is about how you are "trying to be happy," and contains the words "so what if it hurts me," it is very important that you not seem uniformly elated.

Crystal Bowersox: You are very good. You are one of my picks to win. I am on your side. I like you. But if you are going to play the guitar and also the harmonica, you want your harmonica playing to have a purpose other than pointing out that you can play the harmonica. If that is its only purpose, perhaps there is a "My Other Guitar Is A Harmonica" T-shirt you could wear.

The other 10 (!), after the jump.

 

Didi Benami: Despite your obvious talent, when I listen to you, it is as if I have been transported to the Indie Girl Music Factory, where you have been molded from a slurry made of sloughed-off bits of other singers. A little of your cutesy pronunciation trickery is going to go a long way, because you have one foot in the whispery baby-voice trend that always makes me feel like I am listening to children's records and the next song is going to be "The Bear Went Over The Mountain."

Haeley Vaughn: You are sixteen; I understand. But it is not necessary to issue constant reminders involving frilly dresses and most especially all the eye-sparkle makeup. I enjoy your voice, but again, there is a permanent, unchanging grin on your face that reminds me of the way third-season runner-up Diana DeGarmo once merrily grinned her way through "Chain Of Fools." This has a way of suggesting that you are not listening to any of the words of the song you are singing. There is a subtle but critical difference between "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" and "Ever Since I Started Holding Your Hand, It's Like I'm Riding A Unicorn," because there is a subtle difference between yearning and gloating.

Janell Wheeler: There are two things about singing a Heart song, one of which is specific to Heart songs and one of which is not. The first is that Heart songs are for very powerful singers with bellies full of fire. I do not think this is you. "What About Love?" is a great Heart song, but does not make much of a midrange ballad. Here's the other thing: There are a lot of pitch problems here. You are one of twelve women still in the competition, and several of them are being aimed at approximately the same demographic you are, so you do not want to be the one who can't sing on key.

Katelyn Epperley: I had to get past your getup, which wasn't possible until I saw it written somewhere that you were clearly channeling Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally, at which point I was able to relax again. "Oh! Darling" is actually one of my favorite Beatles songs, and it requires far more raw desperation than you and your smiley-growly presentation actually possess. But musically, you are in much better shape here than much of the competition, so again, I prescribe less mindless smiling.

Katie Stevens: There are few songs more overexposed on American Idol than "Feeling Good," which was once performed by two contestants in the same week, and they were both eliminated. It is one of those songs that everyone thinks they sound good singing — it is the singing-in-the-shower of songs. Your rendition of it was fine — you have a lot of natural ability, but this is one of the most unoriginal things you could have done with it out of the gate. It's very, very talent-showy, and it says nothing about what a Katie Stevens record would sound like. I want to be on your side, so please don't do "Get Here" or "Superstar" next week.

Lacey Brown: Remember the discussion with Didi about how her pronunciation sounds like an affected attempt to sound like other indie girl singers? Ditto. This is one of the things that happened to Megan Joy Corkrey last season: there is a fine line between distinctive and weird. I didn't dislike your run at "Landslide" as much as the judges did, but you're feeling very produced. Very, very produced.

Lilly Scott: More baby talk. This was a very polarizing performance: the judges went nutsy for it, but I found it cramped with affectation, to the point where it didn't seem like I was hearing you sing. The emotion expressed by the performance seemed to be, "Get me and what an impressive singer I am." The fact that Crysox was criticized for sounding like a subway busker and you weren't kind of blew me away, because this is what I associate with subway buskers, this "oh-oh-oh" business.

Michelle Delamor: Hoo boy, this is another one that has been performed entirely too many times on this show. I think I forgot this performance before it even happened. This is the difficult part where the judges are right about the fact that being too quirky can make you Lilly Scott, but being too non-quirky can make you the singer where people try to list all the performances of the night from best to worst, and they realize that they left one out, and it was you, and then they put you in the middle, because they didn't notice you, so they figure you were in the middle. You get me?

Paige Miles: It's hard to sing first, but you couldn't have ... I don't know, done something else? I want to hear more from you, because you are great, but please don't pick a song that cries out for a band quite as much as this one does. Without a guitarist to flirtatiously approach and share a microphone with, this song is just ... flat as a pancake. But do not be discouraged! I actually have secret high hopes that you are the stealth contestant of the season, and that I will regret not picking you.

Siobhan Magnus: I like your low voice. I like your slightly off-kilter look and manner, and this was a pretty accomplished vocal showing. On the other hand? Why would you sing this song? This is another person's signature song. This is the song you sing when people say, "Who's Chris Isaak?" Honestly, you might as well sing "Tiptoe Through The Tulips." You sang it well, but there's just no need for a note-for-note cover of this particular one. Remember the shot-for-shot remake of Psycho? Right.

Tomorrow, we will deal with the men. For now, I am Team Crysox and I am tentatively Team Magnus and Team Miles, if they can find better songs. I am also Team Stop Singing Like Little Girls.