So You Are Buried Under Several Feet Of Snow: What's On TV This Weekend?

Down here in the D.C. area, we've heard them all — Snowpocalypse, Snowmageddon, and my personal favorite: SnOMG. That's my real recycling bin up there, circa 10:00 a.m. Maryland time on Saturday.

Now, having lived in Minnesota for ten years, I'm as much of a fan of a good "you East-coast heat-weasels don't know from snow" snort of dismissiveness as anyone, and I still find the pre-storm looting of Trader Joe's hilarious, as if you have to stock up on green peppers today in case tomorrow brings nothing but the desperate need to hunt the wild boars of Arlington, Va. in an attempt to feed your family.

On the other hand: they're not even delivering the mail today. You know what that means? That means that we have reached the asterisk in that thing about "neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow." Many people never have occasion to learn this, but there's a hidden asterisk there, and what it means is: "Within reason." You know what that means? We are beyond reason. And that can only mean we have entered: SNOWPOCALYPSE!

Of course, some people find themselves without power, and at some point, I may, too. But for now, I am merely stuck inside. Which, let's face it, means I'm having a not entirely atypical Saturday.

Nevertheless, there is something slightly maddening about the feeling that one could not leave even if one wanted to. You can read books, do dishes, and even play board games if you happen to be cursed/blessed with also-stuck-inside children, but Snowpocalypse is also perhaps the time when it is most forgivable to sack out in front of your television. In case you decide to go that route, let's review some of what you might watch.

Saturday

I Was Bitten. Did you even know Discovery had a show called I Was Bitten? I would really like to tell you there's something metaphorical about it and it's not about being bitten, but it is totally about being bitten. It is people who have been bitten by animals, talking about the experience of being bitten by animals, and there's three hours of it starting at noon. I'm not recommending it, exactly, but I feel like you should know it's there. You may be buried in snow, but at least you haven't been bitten.

Deer Valley Celebrity Ski Fest. Perhaps the Platonic ideal as far as stuck-inside television, this skiing competition features participants including Cheryl Tiegs, Larry David, and — oh, right — some fellow named NEIL PATRICK HARRIS. NPH on skis? How did I not know about this already? Check it out at 1:00 p.m. on CBS.

More, after the jump.

 

College Basketball: Duke vs. Boston College. Hey, Duke won the last one 79-59. Perfect opportunity for the underdogs to come back! Watch it on ESPN at 2:00 p.m.

Vampire Secrets. Now, this is some Snowpocalypse fare. You would never, ever allow yourself to watch Vampire Secrets on the History Channel under normal conditions, right? But you have no choice. It's this or more gin rummy. Check it out at 5:00 p.m.

House. Bravo has a House marathon kicking off at 6:00 p.m., so if you enjoy spending your Snowpocalypse thinking about all the things that could happen to you and you wouldn't even be able to call an ambulance, this will be perfect.

Temple Grandin. This is a real recommendation: HBO is premiering its movie about Temple Grandin, a totally fascinating lady who became an expert in livestock management after struggling for many years with autism. She spoke at a panel presentation about this movie at the critics' press tour I was at recently, and she's also been on Fresh Air. She's played by Claire Danes in the movie, and it's a really great and interesting story, so I'd recommend this even if we weren't having a natural semi-disaster.

The Parent Trap. ABC Family is showing the Lindsay Lohan remake at 8:00 p.m. Not "good," exactly, but there are those of you — step forward if you dare — who watch this every time it's on. I know there are, because if there weren't, it wouldn't be on cable all the time. Sadder than it was since the passing of Natasha Richardson and whatever has happened to Lohan, but it's still a cute movie, particularly if you have kids.

Saturday Night Live. Ashton Kutcher is the host and Them Crooked Vultures the musical guest. Kutcher's a pretty game guy; he probably gives them as good a chance as anyone for a shot in the arm that the season rather desperately needs.

Sunday

Meatballs. Hey, if snow makes you long for summer camp, Comedy Central is showing the Bill Murray classic at 8:30 a.m.

A Thing On MTV We Won't Mention. I'm not telling you there's a Jersey Shore marathon on MTV starting at 9:00 a.m. that might give you an opportunity to at least see what all the fuss is about, but I'm not telling you there isn't.

Ghost Town. At noon, HBO is showing Ghost Town, the underappreciated Ricky Gervais movie in which the gimmick that has him talking to the dead doesn't stop it from being a surprisingly sweet story. If you've never given this one a go, see what you think.

Mythbusters. Discovery is running six hours of Mythbusters beginning at noon. You really, literally cannot go wrong with six hours of Mythbusters.

Ace of Cakes. The Food Network is blasting Ace Of Cakes beginning at 2:00 p.m. My favorite of the cake shows, Ace Of Cakes really is a lot of fun, mostly because the Charm City Cakes people seem like they'd be a hoot to work with in any environment, let alone one where there is cake.

Coraline. At 4:30 p.m., HBO has Coraline, the Oscar-nominated stop-motion animation film that won't be in 3D on your television, but might make an interesting diversion nevertheless.

The Sound Of Music. Looking for Super Bowl counterprogramming? ABC Family is showing The Sound Of Music at 7:00 p.m. Like football players, the Von Trapp children also wear silly outfits and learn to work together. So it's basically the same thing, really.