Movies

Was 'Valentine's Day' Created By An iPhone App?

A collage of stars appearing in 'Valentine's Day'.

The elements of Valentine's Day could easily have been mechanically determined. Warner Brothers Pictures hide caption

itoggle caption Warner Brothers Pictures

When we talked about the Grammy Awards two Sundays ago, NPR Music editor Stephen Thompson referred to the Zac Brown Band's music as music that "could have been written by an iPhone app."

Which brings me to why Valentine's Day, which I have not even seen, gives me the creeps.

I believe they created it using an iPhone app. Let me explain.

More, after the jump.

The director: Garry Marshall, who did Beaches and Pretty Woman and The Princess Diaries. The writers: Katherine Fugate, who works on Army Wives, and Abby Kohn and Marc Silverstein, who wrote He's Just Not That Into You.

The cast: Anne Hathaway and Julia Roberts, who both owe Garry Marshall movies for their big breaks. The Jessicas Alba and Biel. The Taylors Swift and Lautner. Grey's Anatomy doctors Eric Dane and Patrick Dempsey. He's Just Not That Into You alum Bradley Cooper. Pretty Woman alums Hector Elizondo and Larry Miller. Jennifer Garner, Jamie Foxx, Topher Grace, Ashton Kutcher, George Lopez, Shirley MacLaine.

Trailer set to "I Gotta Feeling," by the Black Eyed Peas.

Nothing against formulaic movies, but wow, they didn't miss anything. The trailer contains flight-attendant humor, a woman eating chocolate and relying on her vibrating phone because she's so lonely, a guy being kicked in the crotch, awkward dinner-table sex talk with the elderly, and a guy pulling down a bouquet of flowers to reveal his face.

If you had a RomanticCominator, and you could pull out your phone and spin the dial like you can to find a Thai restaurant in Dayton, Ohio, this is the movie you would get. I'm assuming that the parts with kissing in the rain were left on the cutting-room floor.

Tell me: did I forget anything else?

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