How I Watched Tuesday's 'American Idol': A Short Play Written From Memory

[LINDA has just returned from the movies, and it is approximately 9:30 p.m. She turns on her television; a red light glows dimly on her DVR, showing that American Idol is recording, as it has been since 8:00 p.m. It is the night when the men perform.]

LINDA
I am excited about watching this television show without commercials and filler! It will probably go faster.

[She selects American Idol, still in progress, from the menu of recorded shows. She presses THE PLAY BUTTON. She watches for a moment.]

RYAN SEACREST
[babbles incoherently, then] This! Is American —

[LINDA presses THE FAST FORWARD BUTTON. She stops when BIG MIKE begins actually singing "It's A Man's World." She listens to the entire performance, and to all the judges' critiques. She hits THE FAST FORWARD BUTTON.]

JOHN PARK:
Graaaaavity...

[She hits THE FAST FORWARD BUTTON.]

RANDY JACKSON:
You're really boring.

[She hits THE FAST FORWARD BUTTON.]

SIMON COWELL:
You'll never make any money for me at all. I hope you get eliminated. Also, you're really boring.

[She hits THE FAST FORWARD BUTTON.]

What happened next, after the jump.

 

RYAN SEACREST:
Here with some Gavin DeGraw is ... Casey James!

LINDA:
Oh, no.

CASEY JAMES:
Ahhhhhh don't wanna be anything other than a prison guard's —

LINDA:
Wow, really?

CASEY JAMES:
Ahhhhhh don't wanna be anything other than what I been tryna be lately —

LINDA:
Can I hear "Heaven" again?

CASEY JAMES:
[smiles, flashes teeth]

LINDA:
Right, I get it, but that was ... Gavin DeGraw.

[She hits THE FAST FORWARD BUTTON.]

KARA DIOGUARDI:
I can't even defend that, and I'm basically looking into the idea of purchasing you as a pet.

[She hits THE FAST FORWARD BUTTON.]

ALEX LAMBERT:
It gets harder every day
But I can't seem to shake the pain
Trying to find the words to say "please stay"

LINDA:
This is much better than last week. He looks much less like he wants to die.

[She hits THE FAST FORWARD BUTTON.]

TODRICK HALL:
Oh you must understand, the touch of your —

[She hits THE FAST FORWARD BUTTON.]

SIMON COWELL:
What is wrong with you?

[She hits THE FAST FORWARD BUTTON.]

JERMAINE SELLERS:
Mooooother, moth—

LINDA:
You are kidding me.

[She hits THE FAST FORWARD BUTTON.]

ANDREW:
[he begins singing]

[LINDA suddenly wakes up, with no memory of the last several minutes.]

SIMON COWELL:
What's wrong with you?

[She hits THE FAST FORWARD BUTTON.]

AARON KELLY:
...cloudy day...

[She hits THE FAST FORWARD BUTTON.]

TIM URBAN:
I've chosen the song "Come On Get Higher," because —

[She hits THE FAST FORWARD BUTTON.]

LEE DEWYZE:
[inhales to begin singing]

[She hits THE FAST FORWARD BUTTON.]

SIMON COWELL:
I think you're great, vocally speaking, because what do I care? This is my last season. I don't care if they go back and pick that guy who sang the song where everybody was brothers and best friends forever. More audience for me. But really, you're great.

[She hits THE FAST FORWARD BUTTON.]

LINDA:
Wait, it's over?