In Which We Take 'American Idol' Rolling Stones Covers Way Too Seriously

It's a really slow news week, perked up only by my unexpected encounter with pepper spray on the Metro last night (I'm fine now, don't worry — it wasn't even aimed at me, surprisingly enough), and that means we must turn our attention to the very odd collection of Rolling Stones covers on last night's American Idol. The contestants have undoubtedly been clamoring for more advice, so I will now give some. (As always, if the somewhat wonky embeds don't work, all performances are here.)

Aaron Kelly, "Angie"

You seem like a very nice high-school student, but I am never convinced that you are doing anything except performing at your parents' anniversary party. "Ang-aaaay, you can't say we never tried!" Tried what? Popping wheelies? Algebra? I realize you have about as much chance of selling a Mick Jagger song persuasively as ... well, as I do, but please, oh please, stop making with the suffering eyes all the time. I really don't believe you're in this much pain, and if you are, I frankly cannot bear to hear about it.

Andrew Garcia, "Gimme Shelter"

I'm not sure Kara DioGuardi is an expert on war, children, passion, or the Rolling Stones, to be honest with you, but I kind of get what she was saying, in that while this is a good vocal, it's an awfully big song for you, when you're kind of a mellow guy. I'm not sure you're an angry singer. I think you sounded fine, and I'm not sure why the judges have decided to never give you any credit for anything, ever (except Ellen), but they're very successfully convincing people that you're boring, and they seem to have gotten into your head. Have you ever considered covering "Man! I Feel Like A Woman"?

Casey James, "It's All Over Now"

How YOU doin'?

Crystal Bowersox and many more, after the jump.

 

Crystal Bowersox, "You Can't Always Get What You Want"

This is probably the most familiar of any of the songs anybody did in the eyes of the target audience, right? Especially since they did it on Glee? Look, you're so much better than basically anyone else at this point, taken as an entire musician, that I have no advice for you other than "please make a record soon for me to buy." Because I will buy it, and I will sing along with it inadequately. Please.

Didi Benami, "Play With Fire"

Playing with fire? By playing with you? As Seth and Amy would say on Saturday Night Live, "Really!?!" I would say, at best, that I might be playing with a very small and very pink Bic lighter decorated with flowers, but ... whatever. I have no objections to this vocal, and I like seeing you break out of your perk-a-doodle-doo rut. I remain a fan of your original cover of Kara's "Terrified," and I am looking for the next thing you do that brings that level of enjoyment. For now, graded on a curve, taken pass/fail, you pass.

Katie Stevens, "Wild Horses"

Oh, Katie. You have an Aaron Kelly problem, which is that the more intense you are, the more you completely freak me out. Furthermore, a performance this repetitive really doesn't take the best possible advantage of the, like, 90 seconds you have to perform. There's no build here — you start at a level 7 and end at about a level 7.5. I would expect to see this as an illustrative video in an encyclopedia where it represents the entry for "Person, Singing." And seriously: do not wear pageant-y dresses when your biggest problem is fighting the sense that you are pageant-y. And do not sing while licking a giant lollipop, and do not push a dolly in a baby buggy. Are you getting me?

Lacey Brown, "Ruby Tuesday"

My problem with you is that, little-girl-affectations-wise, you make Didi Benami look like Joan Jett. Somewhere, I recently saw someone mention The Sundays in relation to you, and I immediately thought: yes. That is what she wants. But if you actually watch The Sundays, there's a sort of coiled energy that doesn't involve just earnestly bobbing your head. It was absolutely right when Simon told you that you present like an actress. I can just picture you practicing in front of the mirror. Like, for years. It's a problem.

Lee Dewyze, "Beast Of Burden"

Mmph rrnn srrff fnrr trmmff, lrr nrr mrr srrn. I just don't get you.

(Half of this review was done without opening my mouth, in honor of Lee's traditional singing style.)

Michael Lynche, "Miss You"

You know, I like you. I do not think this was a great performance, but you seem to be enjoying yourself, you seem to be glad you're on American Idol, and you seem to be trying to entertain, mostly using your natural voice. I think your goal is to make people feel like you're a good singer, as opposed to making people form a particular opinion of where you fit into the culture, and at this point in this competition this year, that, combined with talent, is adequate to make you one of my favorites.

Paige Miles, "Honky Tonk Women"

My first issue is the khaki shorts-suit and black tights. Here's my advice: NO.

My second issue is that it is really, truly not necessary to gender-adjust the lyrics of every song you perform. There is a long, long tradition of people of all kinds singing songs of all kinds using pronouns of all kinds, and it's awfully sad to do violence to the fundamental wit of a lyric in order to underline, "Please understand, I date dudes." There is cleverness in the original idea — "It's the honky-tonk women gimme the honky-tonk blues." See? It's sort of like, "The kind of people you meet in blues clubs give you the blues." It's not that exactly, but there's a joke in it about the spirit of different kinds of music and the people who appreciate it, which is embedded within the fact that the song is also sort of related to that kind of music its own self, and ... are you understanding? When you change it to "I'm a honky-tonk woman, gimme a honky-tonk man," it's like an eHarmony profile about liking the same songs. You might as well say "I'm a cat person, gimme a cat person."

Siobhan Magnus, "Paint It Black"

I'm not confident that you are quite as good as the judges say you are, but fortunately, I am entirely confident that you are as weird as I think you are. And that's a compliment. I think you are a genuine oddball, not a poser-oddball, and this makes me want to side with you. My patience for screaming is very limited, but for the moment, your nerdy touch is keeping me in your corner.

Tim Urban, "Under My Thumb"

The number of things about this that are not working ... it would take quite a while to explain it all. Seriously. First of all, have you listened to "Under My Thumb"? As Monkey See's own Marc Hirsh was saying to me this morning, it's essentially "a chauvinistic taming-of-the-shrew victory lap," making it all the weirder that your performance brings to mind such relaxing breezes that it needs only a few steel drums to make the picture complete. There's a good reason why "The Times They Are A-Changin'" is not usually arranged for kazoo and jingle bells.

Second of all, this mellow Jason Mraz thing is exactly what got Alex Lambert bounced. Please do not pick up his ukulele as you would a fallen relay racer's baton.