Books

Ten Things I Read In Jennifer Love Hewitt's Book That Are Not Hallucinations

The cover of The Day I Shot Cupid.

hide captionJennifer Love Hewitt wrote this book, the subtitle of which includes the words "Jennifer Love Hewitt."

Actress Jennifer Love Hewitt, who became famous on the teen drama Party Of Five in the late 1990s, made a lot of people really angry by playing Audrey Hepburn in a TV movie, made many terrible movies, and then found her way to The Ghost Whisperer, has written a book.

Called The Day I Shot Cupid, it is subtitled, "Hello, My Name Is Jennifer Love Hewitt, And I'm A Love-aholic." Yes, this means that her name is on the cover of the book twice. As you can see from the cover, this book is about very serious advice for women about how to be happy. Despite the fact that I feel like I am walking right into a trap set by a publisher who expects this book to sell with an Irony Multiplier of about 8.5, I simply cannot help myself. Here are ten completely awesome things that happen in this book.

1. On page two of the introduction, the word "TRUTH" (in all caps, thusly) is followed by 23 exclamation points. On page three of the introduction, the word "love" is followed by five question marks. Two sentences later, the word "CUPID" is followed by two exclamation points. Three pages into the book — pages of the introduction, which comes after the preface — you're already basically reading the late stages of an Internet message-board meltdown.

2. On her own press: "I cannot even tell you how many times I've been reading an article, happy with what they have written, focusing on all the right things, and then, like the clap, it appears: serial dater." It seems to me that there is a very unfortunate and obviously unintentional parallel being drawn here between what causes one thing to "appear" and what causes another thing to "appear."

3. "Guys hate to spoon — they prefer to fork, lol!"

4. "This is embarrassing and personal, but once a month, since I was twelve years old, I go to my favorite jewelry store and try on my dream ring." She is 31 years old. If this is true, she has made roughly 225 trips to the jewelry store to try on engagement rings. I do not know where to go with this.

5. From the list of 20 Things To Do After A Breakup: "Make out with a stranger (he must be gorgeous or you'll feel worse)."

6. From the list of 10 Things To Do Before A Date: "Spray tan is a must."

7. From the list of "Strikes," where if a guy has three, you forget it: "He keeps saying 'That's so dumb' when you're talking." Oh ... Jennifer Love Hewitt. I'm so sorry that possibly might have happened to you once or twice or I'm assuming you might not have brought it up.

8. "Remember, your body is a temple, not a 7-Eleven."

9. From the list of "What A Man Should Know": "How to pick a diamond," and "To always have a coat for you." A coat for you? Always? He should always have a coat for you? And pick out diamonds? I am beginning to think that Jennifer Love Hewitt and I do not share exactly the same priorities vis-a-vis romantic situations and also who is in charge of choosing and transporting our clothing.

10. I really don't want to go into detail about the last one. I will just point you to a video where she explains it. Because ... apparently everyone had already heard about this except for me, so I was the only one completely weirded out by it. It is ... NSFWPOFR (Not Safe For Watching Party Of Five Reruns), to say the least.

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