Okay. Summit Entertainment hereby releases a 10-second teaser trailer for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.
Believe it or not, the entire trailer doesn't show up until tomorrow. This is a trailer ... for the trailer.
But fear not! I have managed to learn 10 critical pieces of information from these 10 seconds.
1. At some point, Edward and Bella stand in a field containing blue flowers. She is wearing a sweater. He is not wearing a sweater. In fact, he has his sleeves rolled up. I conclude, based on this, that she is colder than he is. Possibly this is a result of some sort of vampire thing affecting body temperature.
2. At some other point, wearing different clothes, Edward and Bella lie down and discuss "the consequences of the choice [she's] making." I am guessing it is a choice to join the circus instead of finishing her liberal arts degree.
3. The movie contains trees. This is common to the other Twilight movies, so I predict that one of my plot-related suspicions — specifically that the entire story would one day move to an underground replica of Dodger Stadium (I didn't read the books, so don't spoil me) — has not yet come true.
4. Team Jacob is rewarded with shirtlessness.
5. Jacob is, at some point, outdoors in a situation requiring cargo pants. Possibly, he is collecting specimens for a science class. Probably the insect unit. My guess: He has pockets full of grasshoppers.
6. "I'm going to fight for you until your heart stops beating," says Jacob. This is mildly problematic. "I am going to love you until you're dead" has, of course, two possible meanings. The first is the affectionate, "As long as you are alive, I will love you/fight for you/wear this shirt only part of the time." The second, however, is, "I intend to continue my fight for you until it kills you." Which is to say, "Feeling my love shall be like being slowly choked to death." This is somewhat less romantic, although it is safe to say that Bella's ideas of what's romantic have been known to be, at times, unconventional.
7. Bella wears a hoodie. I am shocked that this is right there in the teaser. Because now, everyone knows that Bella wears a hoodie. Like, glad I wasn't planning on seeing the movie, since they just told me what happens.
8. The aforementioned "heart stops beating" vow/threat takes place in a marshy swamp. A marshy swamp that probably represents the marshy swamp of their hidden desire for each other. In fact, I would guess that somewhere in the book, it says, "Their love was as a marshy swamp."
9. Jacob and Bella kiss. Or possibly consider kissing. Or else they have an awkward moment where she is leaning over to look at someone standing just behind him, while he is leaning down to tie his shoe, and they almost bump faces, and then they say, "Ha ha ha, that was funny, we almost accidentally kissed." Then they go have burgers like normal teenagers, and totally do not enter into an epic vampire-werewolf showdown.
10. This movie will make several hundred million dollars.