Please come with me on a flight of fancy as I travel in my mind to the pitch meeting where someone came up with the new film Furry Vengeance, the trailer for which is embedded above. I imagine the pitch going something ... like this.

Okay, so I have this great idea.

I'm lying in bed the other night, and I'm tossing and turning, and I'm thinking, of course, about the environment, because who isn't, you know? Deforestation, habitat destruction, it's just the worst. But I'm also thinking about Eddie Murphy in Doctor Doolittle, because man, those movies were so funny. I mean, am I right? With the talking animals?

But anyway, I'm so upset about the environment and stuff that I can't sleep, so I turn on the TV, and Encino Man is on, and I start thinking, "Brendan Fraser used to be so funny before he got all serious and actor-y and started making those Mummy movies. I mean, when will that guy get to have some fun again?"

I start thinking ... environment, Doctor Doolittle, Brendan Fraser. And it hits me. My great idea. I call it ... Furry Vengeance. I was going to call it Furry Menace, but that made the animals sound sort of aggressive, like they got nuked and got mean or something, and that's just not cool, and I'm thinking, that's hard to put on the side of a Happy Meal, right? 'Cause really, these animals are just defending themselves. Furry ... Vengeance. I have to have somebody look into whether anything weird comes up when you Google that, because somebody told me I should, but I'm the idea guy, and that's sort of a logistics problem, so let's not put the cart before the horse.

Anyway, in my movie, Brendan Fraser works for a big developer, and they're going to just raze the heck out of this forest and put up a mall. I was going to make it condos, but I kind of like condos, and malls are so '90s. Anyway, they're going to put up a mall. We'll get one of those funny Apatow guys, or Hangover guys, to play the developer, one of those supporting guys, because then it's not just a movie for kids; it's also for parents who liked The 40-Year-Old Virgin and stuff. They'll love it. They'll be dying to go.

So Fraser's company is going forward with the project, but then the animals find out. You know how the Nevos or whatever they were called in Avatar, you know how they would gather around the tree and talk about what to do about community problems? The animals, they do that too, and they find out that the forest is getting knocked down, and it's like, "No way, Jose," so all of a sudden, he's got animals just harassing him, like, all day.

No seriously, this is so great, after the jump.

 

He tries to drive his car; they make it crash. Who knows? Maybe the animals can drive cars. That would be funny! Animals hot-wiring a car ... that's so funny.

Sorry, what was I talking about? Oh, right. Harassed. Anyway, he tries to go to sleep, they make noise outside. The company's holding an event, and birds are just dropping their poop all over the place. Kids love poop, I think there's actually studies on that, and I think that's worth another $40 to $50 million, just being able to put that in the trailer. I'm seeing all this opportunity, like, a really mischievous raccoon who maybe sprays him right in the, you know, crotch, with his lawn sprinkler, stuff like that. Real whimsical.

I got a lot of ideas, believe you me. You know how Steve Carell got his chest waxed, and it hurt so bad, and he screamed, "KELLY CLARKSON"? Well, I'm realizing: kids didn't see that. They probably would think that was hilarious. I'm not sure there's technically any body waxing in my movie, but you could have Fraser yell out, like, "MILEY CYRUS!" when he's surprised. It's taking adult humor — smart humor — and translating it so that kids get it.

It's just going to be all, like, classic physical comedy — old-school stuff. Slapstick. Vaudeville. Just like Buster freaking Keaton, only for kids. I have this one idea where he's jogging on a treadmill and the raccoon just unplugs it, like, just unplugs it, and he flies over the front of the treadmill and smashes his big TV with his feet. It's this really anti-consumerism statement, I think it's really going to get us a lot of attention, they'll probably write it up in Consumer Reports, like, "The anti-TV part is great for kids," whatever. A-plus from all those family-friendly groups for that. I have to say, I told this to this friend of mine who took physics in the eleventh grade, and he says you probably wouldn't fly over the front of your treadmill if it suddenly stopped, but you can't let the doubters in your head, yeah? You let yourself be inspired, man, that's how you become great.

There's going to be this great message — well, this is on top of the fact that it's anti-consumerism and pro-animals — about how animals love their families, and Fraser, well, he loves his family, too.

It's going to be amazing. It's going to be ... Furry Vengeance.