Don't Believe 'The Back-Up Plan': Take It From One Who Knows, J.Lo

As a woman who had a baby with a sperm donor, I felt like I had to see The Back-Up Plan, the new Jennifer Lopez rom-com about a woman who finds Mr. Right at exactly the wrong moment: just after she's been to a clinic to get inseminated.

For me, the opening scene with J. Lo's Zoe at her doctor's office rang true. After the insemination, she wonders if the ten-minute procedure could really be all there was to getting pregnant. I remember feeling the way she did: hopeful, worried and without the right words for a moment when something so important was happening ... or might be happening, and then thinking that my life would change forever.

But then Zoe meets Farmer's Market Guy. I've met him. Any single urban woman of a certain age has. He and his brothers — Coffee Shop Guy and Book Store Guy — with their charm, sweet eyes, and on-again/off-again commitment issues are exactly why you end up 35 and childless in the first place.

Most single moms by choice would run in the other direction. But not J. Lo. Even with twins on the way, she makes him her world. Here's our heroine, playfully tapping her wine glass for a refill of Merlot, distractedly driving her car into a tree, and later having what looks like unprotected sex with him on the second date.

After the jump: What the hell?

 

I was supposed to be laughing. But I just thought: What the hell? Didn't she read up on fetal alcohol syndrome? Wasn't she at least a little worried about miscarriage after that fender-bender? Hasn't she heard of chlamydia?

I'm not saying a woman who goes to a sperm bank is immune to romance. But the process does drain all the romance out of baby-making. You have regular conversations with strangers about your period. You spend hours squinting at donor personality profiles. You become an expert at peeing in plastic cups. You surrender to a pregnant lifestyle, taking monster mega-vitamins, giving up liquor and late nights to give your soon-to-be kid the best possible start.

And spontaneity? Forget it. If you're ovulating, you and your insemination squad will need to get together at a few hours' notice. Miss the moment, and you're waiting another month to try again. And time is not on your side. Glossy fashion magazines may tell you 35 is the new 25, but your OB/GYN calls that magic number "Advanced Maternal Age." That means everything bad that can happen to a pregnant woman is more likely to happen to you.

And the woman who wants a baby bad enough to deal with all this — and dish out thousands of dollars to do it — won't be losing her head over the first sweet thing she meets in a cab.

Trust me, J. Lo. I know.