Television

Twenty Humble Suggestions For New Cable Network Slogans

MTV: Hurry Up, Human Cloning! We've Got Plenty Of Snooki's DNA

TLC: Next To These Appalling Moms, That Time You Accidentally Dropped Your Baby Isn't Really That Big A Deal

Lifetime: Still Trying To Fill The Gap Left By Hours Of 'Golden Girls' Reruns

USA: Ha Ha, We Can Make Successful New Hourlong Dramas And You Can't

Bravo: Fighting The Real Enemy, Which Is Horrible Tiny Rich Women With Tans

Spike: We Really Show A LOT Of Wrestling

History: Patriotism, Gun Safety, And Pawn Shops, Pawn Shops, Pawn Shops!

A&E: Two Of The Letters In 'Hoarders'

Food Network: GRILL STUFF LOUD FAST CHEAP RIGHT HERE BOOM SMACKAROONIE CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT

OWN: We're Not Here To Tell Anybody How To Live. Psych, We Totally Are

TruTV: The Highest Percentage Of Squad Car Dashboard Footage Anywhere On Television

FX: So Gritty It Will Polish Your Teeth

WeTV: If We Don't Have It And It's About Absolutely Horrible People Getting Married, You Don't Need It

Animal Planet: We Still Can't Believe We Didn't Think Of Shark Week

SyFy: We Specialize In Shows You Will Hate Us For Canceling

Hallmark: Everything You Need To Know About The World You Wish You Lived In

Oxygen: We Have More Yellow Than That Coldplay Song 'Yellow'

HGTV: Resent Your Surroundings 24 Hours A Day

BBC America: We've Got Swoony Accents. You've Got Anglophilia.

TNT: We Aren't The Ones Who Watched 'Franklin & Bash,' People

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