Movies

Terrifying Things That Should Absolutely Happen In 'Dream House'

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There are a variety of reasons why films aren't shown to critics before they open. Sometimes the movie is horrible, sometimes the studio just doesn't care what the reviews would be, and sometimes they just don't want anybody talking specifics before opening day.

Dream House is a movie like this that's "opening cold" this weekend. It actually has a pretty high-end cast: Daniel Craig, Rachel Weisz, and Naomi Watts. It doesn't seem like it should be so embarrassing that they don't want it seen. So maybe it's just so cool that they don't want me to tell you what's in it. Since it's a scary movie called Dream House, though, I'm prepared to make a few guesses about what terrifying things might happen.

1. Giant stainless-steel refrigerator with video screen in door becomes sentient, displays message on door saying "SURRENDER."

2. Marble countertop detaches from kitchen island, grows feet, stomps up to bedroom, hurls self onto unsuspecting handyman working on new walk-in closet.

3. Track lighting slowly aligns so as to focus on homeowner's neck, then pulses gently and ominously.

4. Central vacuum system is hungry and needs feeding.

5. Posh home theater begins spontaneously playing video of grisly surgeries in the middle of the night.

6. Antique chair begins bleeding.

7. Tasteful bar in finished basement haunted by ghost waitress.

8. Remote climate-control system freezes pet fish to death while owners are enjoying a prix fixe menu downtown.

9. Roomba is possessed by demon.

10. Smaller indoor swimming pool becomes jealous of larger outdoor swimming pool; causes outdoor swimming pool to fill with acid.

11. Fanged Pekingese found hiding in diamond-encrusted toilet.

12. Six-burner professional stove superheats organic chicken broth, causing severe burns.

13. Temperature-controlled wine refrigerator rolls out from under counter, begins firing bottles at homeowners watching Antiques Roadshow on television.

14. Family cat disappears into plush cushions of incredibly comfortable living room sofa.

15. Shower heads in master bathroom begin proliferating uncontrollably.

16. In-home yoga instructor strangles self with own legs.

17. Gas fireplace inexplicably spits glowing embers every time anyone says "heart of darkness."

18. Homeowner found clinging to life under giant stack of leatherbound books.

19. Visiting nubile cousin barely escapes being folded into adjustable bed.

20. Jacuzzi tub revealed as hellmouth.

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