Music

17 More Ways In Which Metallica Might Want To Consider Betraying Its Fans

Heads together: We wouldn't want to suggest that Kirk Hammett (left) and Lars Ulrich are actually plotting new strategies for infuriating their loyal followers in this photo. But they do seem to be up to something. i i

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Heads together: We wouldn't want to suggest that Kirk Hammett (left) and Lars Ulrich are actually plotting new strategies for infuriating their loyal followers in this photo. But they do seem to be up to something.

Andrew Caballero-Reynolds/Getty Images
Heads together: We wouldn't want to suggest that Kirk Hammett (left) and Lars Ulrich are actually plotting new strategies for infuriating their loyal followers in this photo. But they do seem to be up to something.

Heads together: We wouldn't want to suggest that Kirk Hammett (left) and Lars Ulrich are actually plotting new strategies for infuriating their loyal followers in this photo. But they do seem to be up to something.

Andrew Caballero-Reynolds/Getty Images

Over the weekend, a Metallica concert in India was postponed a day, then canceled outright, due to technical and permit problems. Amidst accusations that concert organizers were cheating the fans out of refunds, a riot broke out. The result: a reported $200,000 worth of damage.

In short, Metallica fans felt betrayed. As Chuck Klosterman points out in his spot-on review of Lulu, the band's stunningly terrible but delightful-for-even-existing collaboration with Lou Reed, this is simply business as usual.

Fans of Metallica live in, and for, a constant state of betrayal, says Klosterman, offering what he admits in an incomplete rundown of the ways the band has let them down: "Getting haircuts, making a video for 'One,' headlining a Lollapalooza tour no one really liked, responsibly dealing with their alcoholism ..."

And so, with concert fiascos and a (seriously) godawful new album having been added to the list in just the past few days, I'd like to offer some predictions about the additional ways in which Metallica will be antagonizing its fans in the weeks, months and years to come:

  1. Starting to insist that all music, merchandise and concert tickets be purchased exclusively with special Metallibucks.

  2. Openly expressing sympathy with Mr. Pink's anti-tipping rant in Reservoir Dogs.

  3. Including a section in their concert rider that every roll of toilet paper in the venue must be positioned in improper underhand orientation.

  4. Remixing entire catalog into glorious mono.

  5. Engaging in arcane and protracted feud between singer James Hetfield and Minus 5 frontman Scott McCaughey, purely for the labored "Hetfield-McCaughey" jokes.

  6. Franchising regional Metallicas so that there can be several touring iterations on the road simultaneously. (This one offers a particularly high rate of return on their investment, as it multiplies the opportunities for betrayal.)

  7. Reverting to original band name Metallicougar Mellencamp.

  8. Playing the opening of "One" over and over in concert so that it never reaches the part where the drums come in, just to see how long it takes the audience to snap.

  9. Breaking up.

  10. Advocating a preference of Mike over Joel as host of Mystery Science Theatre 3000.

  11. Staying together.

  12. Pulling out sandwiches during interviews, making sure everybody notices that the aluminum foil they're wrapped in has the matte side out.

  13. Releasing new version of ...And Justice For All with current member Robert Trujillo adding basslines to fill the void left by then-bassist Jason Newsted, who must have been, like, napping during recording or something.

  14. Forcing people to continue to buy their albums even when they know they'll hate them. (NOTE: may already be the case)

  15. Each band member in turn marrying and divorcing Kim Kardashian.

  16. Touring as Weezer, and vice versa, to get a taste of being a DIFFERENT band whose fans hate them.

  17. New stage outfits: meat suits.

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