What Happens to This Blog?

There's a very touchy subject that we're going to have to deal with eventually.

We can't ignore it forever.

What would we do with the blog when I can't do it any longer?

Should we find someone else to write it each day?

That could be a little difficult. I can see the job posting now. WANTED. BLOGGER. MUST HAVE CANCER.

I don't think we could do that.

On the other hand, could the blog be written by someone who doesn't have cancer? I don't think so.

Unfortunately, I think these pages need to be filled by someone who has looked the beast in the eye.

I may be able to go on writing the blog every day for years or at least months. I don't know.

I have no idea how I will ever be able to say farewell to all of you if and when that time comes, so I'm not going to think about that at all.

-- Leroy Sievers

7:00 AM ET | 07-18-2008 | permalink | comments (138) | e-mail post

Wisdom Gleaned from Cable TV

The days can pass pretty slowly.

I'm not sure that there's anything I could do to speed them up. Daytime TV remains something of a desert -- where bad TV shows go to die.

Although I have to admit, I have gotten hooked on the Tour de France, or at least parts of it. I don't think I understand all the strategy, but it's still fun to watch.

Beyond that, I try to take care of my body. I try to listen to it, see what it's trying to tell me. One of the easiest messages to understand is "OW." "You're in pain." That one I get.

When the pain gets too strong, and the medicine doesn't seem to be working, I imagine that I am someplace else where I'm not in pain. That works sometimes. It allows me to escape for a while.

The movie, The Departed seems to be on cable nonstop. Don't get me wrong, it's a brilliant movie, but I think I can recite it from memory by now. In one of the scenes, Jack Nicholson is walking out of a bar and he asks a customer how his mother is doing.

"She's on the way out" the man replies.

"We all are," is Nicholson's answer. "Act accordingly."

I'm not sure why that line haunts me the way it does. It seems cold and tender at the same time. What does "act accordingly" mean?

Maybe I need to watch the movie a few more times and I'll figure it out.

-- Leroy Sievers

7:00 AM ET | 07-17-2008 | permalink | comments (86) | e-mail post

Stumped Without an Easy Answer

I want to thank you all for your suggestions and guidance about hospice.

But I still haven't decided. Today was the first day that my home-care nurse came to help. She had worked in hospice for years, so I asked her what she thought. Her answer wasn't surprising. She said that hospice is great for managing pain, but that it really is the process of managing the end of life, and no one really knows when the time is right to begin the process.

I certainly don't know.

My doctor's don't know. They're leaning towards starting it sooner than later, but that's not definitive.

So once again, I find myself stumped. Looking for an easy answer, when there isn't one.

I guess that for today, the answer is still no. Not yet.

As the Magic 8-Ball might say, "answer hazy, ask again later."

-- Leroy Sievers

7:00 AM ET | 07-16-2008 | permalink | comments (106) | e-mail post

Is It Time?

Hospice care. Is it time? That's what we're wrestling with right now.

Is this the time to start? Or do we wait a little, let a little more time run out

It's a hard decision.

Will I be more comfortable under the care of the hospice nurses? After all, their whole program is geared to making the patient more comfortable and managing pain.

A little more pain management would be welcome right now. On the other hand, I'm just not sure I'm ready.

I think it's a big step, in some ways, signaling that we're getting ready for the end.

What's the right way to go? I don't know.

This time I'm stumped.

-- Leroy Sievers

8:18 AM ET | 07-15-2008 | permalink | comments (253) | e-mail post

Wishing Things Were Different

We've been living with cancer for a long time now, but that doesn't mean we're comfortable with it.

There are those days when we wish with all our hearts that things were different. That things could be the way they were.

This was one of those days for Laurie.

I want him back.

I want to hear that big, deep, laugh again.

I want to hear him planning for a trip to some God-forsaken region and actually being excited about going.

I want to see him jet-skiing to a Maui sunset with a look on his face
like he's found the perfect place.

I want to see him snoozing on the couch on a Saturday afternoon.

I want to be with him, step by step, hurrying to a Broadway performance of Savion Glover, and wishing that just once, he could tap like that.

I want to see him in one of his favorite Hawaiian shirts, sitting outside, laughing, and sharing a good time eating Mexican food.

I want to walk with him and our good friend Ted on the C&O Canal and gossip and talk headlines and sports.

I want to look at him and laugh and love the costume he's created for the annual "best story of the year" Halloween party.

I want to see him sitting on the lanai, after a day at the pool in Maui, sipping an ice cold Mai Tai, watching the golfers below cheat when they thought no one was looking. (We were.)

I want him to enjoy that life again.

I want him back.

-- Leroy Sievers

7:00 AM ET | 07-14-2008 | permalink | comments (155) | e-mail post

The Next Step

I need to test myself, find out where the limits are. I'm not looking forward to it. It's actually a little scary. But I need to know what my body can do.

Can I stand up? That's been getting harder. Walk with the walker? I can still do that. We got the wheelchair out and set it up. That may be the next step. It's not one I'm looking forward to taking.

If I can't really take care of myself, then what? Round the clock care? I don't think that's what I need. I just need a helping hand a few times during the day.

But how does that work? I don't want to go into a nursing home or hospital. That's a level of care I don't think I need.

But what do I need?

Life is getting more complicated every day.

-- Leroy Sievers

7:00 AM ET | 07-10-2008 | permalink | comments (121) | e-mail post

Setting Aside Pride

I think it comes down to pride.

I'm not used to asking for help. That doesn't come easy to me. For virtually my entire life, I've been the person who others turn to for help.

I was the biggest, strongest guy in the room. It was only right that I be the one to offer, not receive, help.

Well, that's changed now, and it hasn't been easy.

These days, I'm the one who has to ask for help. I have to ask for something to eat, for help getting up, for a steadying hand as I move around. I need help getting cleaned up these days, too.

Laurie keeps saying that this stuff doesn't matter. But it does.

It matters to me that I am no longer self-sufficient. It matters to me that the simplest task can become difficult and complicated. It matters to me that I can't simply do whatever I want, when I want, and how I want.

I guess that's where the pride comes in.

I have to set that pride aside and realize that my life has changed, whether I like it or not.

But let's be honest here. I don't like it. Not a bit.

-- Leroy Sievers

7:00 AM ET | 07-10-2008 | permalink | comments (110) | e-mail post

Live Chat with Leroy Sievers

Following Leroy's appearance on Talk of the Nation, he participated in a live chat with members of the My Cancer community. If you click the "Listen" link above, you can hear the audio of the conversation. Meanwhile, here's the archive of the chat room, where participants discussed Leroy's Talk of the Nation appearance and then proposed questions for him.

Continue reading "Live Chat with Leroy Sievers" »

-- Eyder Peralta

2:45 PM ET | 07- 9-2008 | permalink | comments (3) | e-mail post

The Givers of Life

Laurie's days, are no longer her own. The cancer has stolen those days, changed them from the life she would want to lead to the life she has to lead. A life of caring for me.

Here are her thoughts on that ...

Good morning to all of you "life-givers" ... previously known as "care-givers." I've decided there needs to be an amendment to this term "care-giver" ... especially in Cancer World.

Giving CARE, in this world, is an automatic function of our daily lives, and it is a function that operates on a 24-hour clock.

If you're like me, sleep is not what sleep was, BC ... before cancer. Sleep comes now with one eye open, and both ears trained to hear any sound that isn't a sound of the night.

And it's all the other stuff that plays a part in the giving -- from making a meal, to playing cards, to just sitting by the bed, holding a hand.

It's the "life" part of the giving that is so important to acknowledge. We all give our "life energy" every day, to continue the life that's been attacked by this unrelenting enemy.

We'll do just about anything to make "their" day, every day, because we don't know when it will be the last day.

It's a breath-taking challenge. Somehow we find the strength. I just think it's important to salute you, "givers of life."

Remember ... Leroy will be on "Talk of the Nation" at 3 p.m. EDT today with guest host Ted Koppel. You can hear it on your NPR member station, or here on the blog, where there will be a live chat during the interview. Then Leroy will answer your questions starting at 4 p.m. EDT.

-- Leroy Sievers

7:00 AM ET | 07- 9-2008 | permalink | comments (72) | e-mail post

Talk of the Nation and a Live Chat

This is a reminder that Leroy will be on Talk of the Nation tomorrow at 3 p.m. EST (19:00 GMT). Look here for the member station serving your area.

Also, as you listen, check out My Cancer for a live chat. And immediately following Talk, from 4 p.m. to 5 p.m. EST (20:00 to 21:00 GMT), Leroy will take your questions live.

-- Eyder Peralta

4:19 PM ET | 07- 8-2008 | permalink | comments (6) | e-mail post