NPR: Advice for Friends

My Cancer

Advice for Friends

A man named Erick wrote in the other day. His best friend has been diagnosed with lymphoma.

"I've been strong as nails for him through all the onslaught of doctors and tests, but this one I don't know how to prepare myself. I almost asked the hospital if I could volunteer in a chemotherapy center just to see what I'll be facing, but I don't know.

I guess what I'm looking for from anyone is answers. As someone supporting a loved one through this fight, what can I expect? His appearance, his mood, etc. Anything will help."

I wish I had the answers. It's funny, the other day a friend asked me for advice on how to deal with an illness in her family. I'm not an expert. I'm just someone who's on the same journey. We all react differently, but at the same time, I guess we all react the same way.

Expect tears, yours and his. This is scary stuff. There are times when all you can do is cry. Don't be afraid to show your own tears, and don't be afraid to see his.

Fatigue. He'll get tired out by the treatment. And, in some ways, sleep is a refuge. Go to sleep and you just don't have to face all this, at least for a little while.

He may get impatient, become short with people around him. I know I did. I got so tired of people asking me how I was feeling at that moment. But I had to remind myself that they meant well, that they wanted to help and that was really the only way they could. He'll learn that too.

Normalcy. That's the greatest gift you can give. His world has changed in an instant — it will never be the same again. Ever. If you can stand it, and it's going to be hard, try to give him a little bit of his life the way it used to be. Go to a restaurant or a movie. Talk about sports, politics, TV, anything... but don't mention that elephant in the room. Those few minutes when you forget about having cancer, those are golden.

But don't be afraid to talk about it when he wants to or when you need to. That's equally important. It may be difficult to hear his thoughts, especially on the bad days, but he needs to be able to express them.

But really, it all comes down to one bit of advice that you already know. Just be his friend, the friend that you were before this happened. That's all. That's enough.

Leroy Sievers

6:18 AM ET | 07-31-2006 | permalink

Comments (Send a comment)

Wow, that is a big question. Ultimately the simple answer is "just be there!" Call, help out, and talk to your friend. Be physically present. It can be hard to do that if you?re feeling emotionally drained and overwhelmed too.

My sister had metastatic kidney cancer, she was ill for over a year... she was easy to be with because of her personality — she was strong, determined, young and hopeful! On the other hand, my mother has pancreatic cancer and she is older and is not coping as fair as my sister did, she seems to feel overwhelmed. Chemo and now radiation sandwiched in is taking its toll on her mentally and physically. I have to say, it's harder to cope with some days, but what I do know is that the basic human need for someone to care is what is required. (Socially your friend needs to carry on the same rituals of going out to eat or being invited even if they don?t eat a bite). We have to be bigger than the disease side affects, and put ourselves in a vulnerable state to be available for our loved ones.

It is hard to talk about global warming and the Middle-East conflicts and think, does she care? Does she think what does it matter to me, I'm sick, I'm battling my own war? I still carry on with who I am, and my concerns, I think it's healthy to be yourself.

I just know that personally it is hurtful and alarming when "friends" disappear during disease, and it is especially hurtful for the ones who have the disease to discover who their true friends and loved ones are through the eyes of their cancer! I have lost two loved ones to cancer and another is currently battling cancer, I think the answer to helping friends and loved ones with cancer ultimately lies in the personal relationship, and making yourself physically present in their lives -? human contact is so important. When my sister was ill, several friends of hers from her past visited her on a weekly routine, I was so amazed, and they weren't even her "close" friends (her closer friends did a vanishing act ? "couldn't deal with cancer").

I learned something so deeply unspoken from her visitors about human nature, I believe it helped my sister to live longer... so visit your friend on a regular basis, make time!

Sent by J.P. | 11:37 AM ET | 08-02-2006

I am 22 and was recently diagnoised with Hodgkins Lymphoma. I am incredibly lucky, as the doctors were able to catch it early and the cancer had not spread throughout my body. I have no symptoms other than an enlarged lymph node and it is still a struggle for me to actualize the reality of my situation even though I have started chemotherapy.

I started reading your column after a friend suggested I read it to give me some support during this difficult time.

I wanted to say thank you for your words of courage and wisdom and for allowing us to share in this experience with you.

In the beginning I often wondered why this was happening to me? Why me? I realize that if I never had cancer, I would have never read your blog and I would have never been given this sense of comfort and peace in knowing that everything will be okay, no matter what the outcome. And in the end I know this experience will make me a better person.

I hope you will be okay.

Thank you so much, God bless you.

Sent by Grace | 11:49 AM ET | 08-02-2006

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Leroy Sievers

Blogger

Leroy Sievers in the Ted Koppel Documentary

Leroy Sievers speaks with Dr. Christos Georgiades. Credit: Tyrone Turner

A Ted Koppel documentary focuses on his friend Leroy Sievers' "My Cancer" blog and the response it evokes.

About 'My Cancer'

My Cancer will be updated Monday through Friday with posts and commentaries from Leroy Sievers. A journalist for more than 25 years, Leroy has worked at CBS News and ABC News, where he was the executive producer at Nightline. You can follow his story through this blog, his weekly podcast and his monthly series on Morning Edition.