Is what you mean, why a nice person like me?

Sent by Irene Patz | 11:01 AM ET | 09-01-2006

I think the question should be "how" not why. Something goes wrong in a cell somewhere and the cancer takes off.

Sent by Susan Breckon | 11:03 AM ET | 09-01-2006

When I read your "Why me?" blog it made me cry, not because of the question but because of the memories it invoked. My dad, who died 18 years ago, at age 57, used to tell me about how one day when he was feeling down and griping " why me?" he went into a coffee shop and there was a man that had lost both legs, cheerfully chatting with friends and trying to cheer others up. Dad said, "I was so ashamed, I had my legs and health and felt sorry for myself and there was a guy who'd lost both legs and he was helping others." Dad used to often say, after that, "No matter how bad you think you've got things... you don't have to look far to find someone with bigger problems than yours."

Sent by John Clark | 11:10 AM ET | 09-01-2006

Let me try some disconnected thoughts.

First, look at cancer, or any other "old age" disease, from Mother Nature's point of view: we (at least the older of us) have done what She wanted us to do — we have procreated. OK, then "out you go" with any one of a number of brooms: cancer, Alzheimer's, heart problems, etc. Make room for the youngsters, just as our predecessors made room for us.

Next, we patients — most of us — are not physicians, and have no idea what drugs and therapies are being used on and for us. Even if we can repeat a name ("melphalan") we have no idea what it is made of, how much to use, how it really works. We bring the body to this little party the doctors bring the brains.

So what CAN we do, if Mother Nature has it in for us and we really have no clue as to what the doctors are doing to us?

Well, I think that we can use our intellect and emotions to make the best of this mess that we can. We can support each other, our friends and families. We can keep plugging along.

Let me try a poem I think I remember from high school:

Not, I'll not, Carrion Comfort,

Despair, not feast on thee,

Not slack, slack they may be,

These last strands of man in me,

Or cry, "I can no more!

I can, can something,

Can hope, can wish day come

Hope I got some of that right! Gerard Manley Hopkins, if I remember. Do I get an 'A'?

Sent by David Larsen | 4:02 PM ET | 09-01-2006

Why not you pretty much sums it up. I bought a computer for my daughter two months ago so that she could get adjusted to its feel. I has broken three times and is finally being replaced.

I got that model for its reliability. Strangely, my wife asked, why us? Somebody has to be the one in 10,000 or one in whatever number. My daughter joined our son at college last week.

Our son is deaf. He was not born deaf, did not endure an illness, no family history and he did not have an accident. He started loosing his hearing at nine months and was deaf at 13 months.

We finally figured it out at 16 months. Why him? Why us? The odds were one in... ? My first thought on diagnosis was how will he hear music. My wife's first thought was how will he do his Bar Mitzvah. He was in speech school at 17 months. Our daughter was born hearing was hearing at four months and deaf at six months. Odds were one in four.

Both are in college on full academic scholarships. Not deaf scholarships.

Both were raised with the philosophy that they are, despite the laws name that helped them, handicapped and not disabled (ADA). Handicaps make life harder, disabilities make you non-participating.

Both played in their middle school band. My mother has been battling cancer for over 30 years. She has been given six months, three times, for three different cancers. She has been published (medically) once. In all the years she has only complained once about a doctor. (He should only have the same nothing he says I have!)

THE POINT IS that it is not about why me, but what do I do now. Now you do what you have to do to get better. You might not, but if you do not act, you WILL NOT! If you have a positive attitude, you will get as sick as you will, and you might survive this. Somebody gets to be that X percent. Why not you! But if you have a negative attitude you will be sicker faster.

Depression weakens the system. I'm not saying go out and celebrate this. Just make the effort to get to the action phase ASAP (shock, denial, grief, acceptance and action).

Sent by Daniel Weiss | 4:11 PM ET | 09-01-2006

When I was younger and I would hear of other people's hardships, I would think to myself, I hope that I'm lucky and that I will avoid this or that. However, as I age, I realize everyone has hardship and everyone gets something. With cancer, it seems to me most everyone is affected sooner or later whether directly or indirectly. Maybe with luck you can hold it off a little longer. So I really think the question is how you will deal with it when it is you, when it is your turn.

Sent by Kami | 4:13 PM ET | 09-01-2006

My heart goes out to you as your battle your disease and I hope what I have to say helps you. I have had a family member and a dear friend die of cancer. As bad as these experiences were, they influenced me to read eveything I could and that is when I discovered PsychoNeuroimmunology, which is the study of the bodys immune system: how it works and how we can help it work. A very good book for the lay person is Head First: The Biology of Hope and the Healing Power of the Human Spirit by Norman Cousins. This is no "New Age" mumbo jumbo — it tells of the author's years working at UCLA, and he has hard data to back him up. The patient can and should be active in his own recovery, and there is much one can do along with the physicians medications and treatment. We are not helpless! This book gave me hope that I am not a powerless pawn who can be struck down at any moment with disease.

Sent by Eileen Flaxman | 4:17 PM ET | 09-01-2006

The real question, it seems to me, isn't "Why me?" or "Why not me?" but "Why anybody?" Why is this beautiful world also a place of suffering and death? Good luck if you're expecting an answer to that one in three days! Sometimes I feel that my family has had more than its share of pain in the last eight or nine years — not just my cancer, but a couple of other very difficult experiences other family members have had to deal with. So I've sometimes wondered, "Why us?" But immediately afterward, I always remember that Id had about 50 years of relatively blissful, trouble-free living before the troubles began. So — I guess its just our turn. After all, nobody gets out of this deal alive, and probably very few will get out without experiencing some suffering. IS there any better way to learn compassion? Or to develop a true appreciation for the beauty of nature or the love of our fellow humans?

One more thought — personally, I think that a physical illness like cancer is far easier to bear than having someone in the family afflicted with mental illness or addiction. There is the fear of death, sure, but at least the person with cancer is still herself/himself mentally & spiritually.

Thanks for bringing up this subject, Leroy. I hope you're feeling well enough to enjoy the holiday!

Sent by Doris | 4:20 PM ET | 09-01-2006

Regarding "Why Me" — there seems to be some people who walk under a silver lining, where nothing "bad" touches them, ever. When there is tragedy in your life, these "silver lining" people are envied and at times, not thought of in a kind light, at least by me. But when I can think rationally, all people, at sometime in their life have suffered some sadness or tragedy — no one escapes — it's just life — it's just different for different people.

Sent by Jeri Magid | 4:59 PM ET | 09-01-2006

I just had an experience yesterday that got me rather bowed up. The acupuncturist I have been seeing started asking me about where I grew up and where my parents grew up. It dawned on me that she was, in her own way, trying to come up with the answer of "why you?" I became rattled when she started asking if my parents were from small communities (What's up with that? No they were not cousins!) And was the area industrial? No, I grew up in a pesticide riddled agricultural community!

I was very bothered by this event and after I had left her office I became more outraged when I thought about it. How dare she dwell on "why?" I don't go there and nor does my oncologist.

I don't go there because what ever caused me to have ovarian cancer at age 47 is but a wonder and more importantly if doesn't change the fact I have cancer. Pondering "why" doesn't change the prognosis. My cancer is my own DNA gone wacky. I choose to just deal with it in the "now" as I don't control of the future and there no way to change the past.

Those things I have control of I do my best. I do my best to eat well, to take my vitamins, to rest, to laugh, to remind my husband how much I love him and to enjoy life. I know that pondering "Why me?" will drive me crazy.

Maybe it was good she touch that place because I am now aware of how that is a place I will not allow anyone to go. I told a friend "It is my cancer, how dare she intrude into "why?" I refuse to attach blame to "my cancer" and so no one else has that right. I am just happy to be alive.

When I see healthy people I don't think "Why me and not them?" I just think about how fortunate they are to be in good health and hope that they treasure it.

Oh, what I do have control of is who I allow to enter my life. I have canceled my future appointment with that particular acupuncturist yet as I benefited from the treatments, I will move on to another that is recommended has been to me.

Sent by Susan | 5:20 PM ET | 09-01-2006

I have met healthy people without a history of cancer in their family die from some form of the disease. A friend of mine who was young and healthy and who had more determination to live than anyone I have ever met recently died after serving five years with a grade four brain tumor. Getting tested and being aware of how vulnerable we are is good, but it won't guarantee anything. I admire your outlook towards life. It is hard to accept reality, but feeling sorry for ourselves is just another way of giving up hope.

Sent by Agustina | 11:57 AM ET | 09-05-2006

I think that doctors of all types, but particularly oncologists should experience not illness, but what it is like to be a patient. My friend was diagnosed with an awful type of lymphoma and has experienced the following: has only seen the doctor three times told her during her first visit that "of all the cancers that she could have this is the easiest to treat, radiation and chemo changed his mind about chemo but never explained why so she could understand (or her daughter) walked into her room without knowing how many chemo treatments she had, or when she finished them had his P.A. deliver the news that this "easiest to treat of many cancers" had spread, and, you will need to have a lymph node removed on Monday" sends in a MEDICAL STUDENT to tell her what type of cancer she has and that it is Stage III and the chemo we are going to give you only has a 50-50 chance of working, if it does at all had to be asked to come back to answer questions the medical student could not answer. And this is at one of the allegedly premier facilities in a major southern town! God Bless doctors, but some of them could use some work. And we wonder why some survive and some don't beyond what the cancer does. Am I angry? You bet I am!

Sent by Sandra Yudilevich | 12:13 PM ET | 09-05-2006

"Why me?" — as a 42 year old with Stage three bowel cancer, I asked my doctors the same question. Of course they had no answer — it was likened to winning the lottery (a bad one) in reverse.

"It is what it is" — my hand wringing, soul searching won't change reality, but may help me come to terms with all of this. And if it doesn't, I guess that's ok too.

Sent by Julian | 12:35 PM ET | 09-05-2006

Amen. My friend just told me he has the "C" word. Count on my prayers.

Sent by Florence Ruiz | 12:47 PM ET | 09-05-2006

I agree... I went to my MD regarding my two year check up and I told him a felt a lump on my neck, and he asked me what I think we should do about it... will just watch it. I'm concerned, what am I hiring him for? Why does my insurance not pay for a PET scan? I found my own breast cancer after which the mamogram and ultra sound did not confirm but six months later the biopsy confirmed it. What/who can I believe? It is a scary medical world out there.

Sent by Ann Mesaros | 12:50 PM ET | 09-05-2006

Peg's new question is a good one — it's true. When I asked these questions over and over after diagnosis and through the rough, tough treatments, I realized that there is no answer and there is no question. It's like asking why that weeping willow is dying and the others with it are healthy. My way out of the morass of questioning was: to ask a new series of questions, to help myself realize that it's not about me, or not me. I ask: Why her? Why him? Why them, in the disaster? Why a Holocaust? Why did my kitty die, why her? When I tire of this, I can lay it all to rest and for at least a brief time, get back to my normal fretting.

Sent by Kathleen Hale | 12:53 PM ET | 09-05-2006

Thanks for this blog and your thoughtful commentary. It has provided so much comfort to me as I struggle with the aftermath of the stroke I had in March, at age 50. Since cancer runs in my family, that is always what I thought I would be battling at some point in my life. This stroke has been a terrible affront to my dignity — the drooling, the "sloppy" speech and re-learning my times tables with an occupational therapist. The acceptance that I am permanently damaged. Why me, indeed? The only answer I have found is why not me? The lines from T.S. Eliot reverberate "The only wisdom we can hope to acquire is the wisdom of humility: humility is endless."

Sent by Kathy | 12:56 PM ET | 09-05-2006

"Why Not You?"

Cause you did not ask for it, nor want it, I suppose. I think most people want to at least get to that average life expectancy. We have agencies such as NIH and CDC to help us get there, but I don't think we are getting our money's worth.

"Why me?"

I think a logical answer might go something like this: Take Murphy's Law, sprinkle on the risk factors and there you go.

What I would like to know is if there are viruses involved with these cancers?

Sent by John Martin | 1:02 PM ET | 09-05-2006

"Why me?" or "Why not me?" are not productive questions, especially when asked when something bad has happened. If there really is an answer, is it true that we have done something to cause the circumstances or perhaps a higher power has allowed this to happen? And if so, then what? The bad circumstances are still there.

I'd like to turn the question around... For any awful, difficult situation, there is hope for the future, the ability to find meaning in the day, a moment of joy, the possibility of making a difference with action, large or small. You are making a difference with your voice and forum for discussion. If it is possible to rise above terrible circumstances, even for a moment, why not?

Why not you? Why not any of us?

Sent by Ruth | 1:09 PM ET | 09-05-2006

When I first was diagnosed with cancer, the parents of my students (I teach second grade) and my friends would often say something like, "Why you?" (My cancer is not usually one associated with someone of my age)

I would always pause and say, "Why not me?"

People get sick all the time and who am I to think I will escape illness in my life?

It's not convenient, it's not comfortable, it's not fun to go to treatment and think about my digestive tract all the time and wonder if things will get worse or better. It is especially not fun to experience the narcissism of cancer (what is that? a cold? something worse? a cut? melanoma? some rare reaction? It never ends.)

But, sickness and health are both part of being a human being.

The sooner I embraced my treatment and figured out how to manage the changes, the sooner I started to adjust to my new "person-recovering-from-cancer" persona.

I hope I will get better. I hope I will survive. I hope I get to see my children get married and get to hold my grandchildren. But, mostly, I hope to enjoy my life until it is over, no matter how long it might be.

Sent by Robin | 1:11 PM ET | 09-05-2006

I realize that many people won't see things the way I do, but here's some food for thought.

I am no fan of it, but having cancer can have its silver lining — if you choose to sieze it's presence as an agent of life change. Since being told I had a brain tumor a year and a half ago, I have had more fun in 19 months than in the five years before. No longer do I put off those trips to Europe with my daughter, no longer do I not use up all the vacation hours I have in a year. I am not a hedonist, but no longer am I a frugal miser with pleasures for my family and myself.

Cancer is not a good thing. It destroys a loved one while everyone else is forced to watch. Ultimately, it can take us or take loved ones. It is not to be celebrated. Still, the reminder that time here is finite can be liberating and empowering.

Sent by Grant Gengel | 1:21 PM ET | 09-05-2006

For me it is not "why me?" but rather "why my children?" What has my 6-year-old daughter done to deserve to grow up without a mother? What about my sons, ages 8 and 11? While I know that ultimately they will be fine under the care of my husband, father and friends losing me will be a defining and traumatic event in their lives.

I am not being pessimistic! However, even though I look good (albeit bald) and feel great except for a few days after each chemo, the reality is that my rare, aggressive and incurable cancer will kill me. From day one (almost a year ago!) I was told that the arduous three drug chemo cocktail was only about buying time and that time is measured in months!

My other concern is that even though I've never smoked, never tried any drugs, drank alcohol only socially, exercised, ate right etc. I still got this deadly cancer. Will my children, as they enter their teenage years, make the wrong choice? Will they think "what's the use Mom made the right choices and still got sick?" I'd hate to leave that legacy!

"Why me?" also raises the issue of am I cursed genetically (my mother died three years ago from another rare and aggressive cancer — unrelated to mine)? If so, are my children? Would knowing protect them (making healthy choices, frequent checkups etc.)? I've had extensive genetic testing towards this end but have no KNOWN mutations.

Sent by Holly Michaels | 1:27 PM ET | 09-05-2006

Leroy, I think these kinds of thoughts are only human and probably a sign of frustration in the face of a difficult situation. I have found your blogs remarkably and consistently upbeat, so I think you are allowed to have at least one down day.

On the heels of the U.S. Open, we should ALL remember the famous words of Arthur Ashe:

"If I were to say, 'God, why me?' about the bad things, then I should have said, 'God, why me?' about the good things that happened in my life."

Sent by Nancy Boomer | 1:41 PM ET | 09-05-2006

At some point early in my cancer experience I asked my doctor "Why me?" Only one other person in my very large extended family had ever had cancer. Of course he couldn't tell me why.

On the drive home it hit me how much more devastating this would have been to my sister. She's a mother of four. She and her husband live on a small farm. Who would have taken care of the children and the cows, chickens, hogs and the fields? As a single person with no children cancer caused relatively little disruption to anyone's life other than my own. I said a prayer thanking God for choosing me not my sister to bear this burden.

Sent by Joan Marie | 2:15 PM ET | 09-05-2006

There are so many wonderful comments and thoughts by people with many different stories — each person bringing their own life experience to bear on the situation. Leroy you have begun a great thing here. A chance to get online and read about you as you share your thoughts with us. Thank you for being so honest and not being afraid to talk to us. And for not censoring yourself.

Why me? When my friends called right after the news of my cancer spread ? some of them wailed with that question. But why not me? Maybe it is because I am strong enough to deal with it. To battle back. Perhaps so others can see my battle and learn things such as: to get tested, to take it seriously, to have faith, to laugh. Who knows why?

But the folks who went on and on about the why part were very disconcerting to me in those first few days. So much to think about the last thing to think of was Why.

Another friend later said to me, "But how could you get cancer, you're one of the good people." Um, this happens to all of us. And even "good" people. What a strange way to look at it. It was irritating to me. So many good points from folks. Thanks for allowing me to share some random thoughts and thanks for all the comments.

Sent by Julie | 2:58 PM ET | 09-07-2006