Giving Your Body a Break
“My body is saying 'no more.' That message is pretty clear. It's my mind that's the problem. How do you not worry? How do you turn off that uncertainty?”
The following essay is from the NPR My Cancer weekly podcast:
It's nature's way of telling you. I'm old enough to remember the old Spirit song (I guess I'm dating myself). But the message is pretty clear. It's time for a break. I'm just finishing my 11th chemo cycle, getting ready for the 12th. My doctors said no one does 12 cycles and keeps on going. When I heard that, my first reaction was, "Well, I'm going to be the one to break that rule." I was being foolish.
I was going to cheat a little anyway. I was going to put off my next chemo cycle for four days so I'd be off the drugs for Thanksgiving. I really don't want to be totally sick that day. My latest blood work indicates I may need a couple of extra days anyway before I can start the next cycle. Now I can take those days and not feel guilty.
As all of you who've done chemo know, your body's capacity to take those poisons isn't unlimited. You have to give yourself time to recover. So why would I be reluctant to take a break? Because the last time I did, things didn't go so well.
After the first six cycles, I took two weeks off and then started a lesser treatment program — just one drug. The next scans did not bring good news. In those few weeks, freed from the assault of the complete chemo package, my tumors grew. A new one sprouted on my spine. My greatest fear about taking a break was realized. It was clear evidence of how aggressive and fast-moving this disease can be. So it was back on the drugs, with a couple of new ones thrown into the mix.
And that seems to have worked. My tumors have shrunk. There's some evidence the lesion on my spine is healing, a sign the tumor may be dying. With things going my way, I'm a little reluctant to take a break. Why let the tumors catch their breath? If they're down, I want to kick them. Hard.
There's a psychological component, too. While my body desperately needs a break from the chemical onslaught, I don't want to be worrying the whole time. Will it be one step forward, two steps back? If the tumors do start to grow again, we wouldn't know for a couple of weeks. That's long enough for bad things to happen.
How do you decide? I guess your body decides for you. I feel like I've had the flu for ten months. I really don't remember what it feels like not to be sick. Getting back my old body and my old health is really attractive — even if it's just for a couple of weeks.
In the end, like everything associated with this disease, it's all a risk. You take your best shot and wait to see what happens. My body is saying "no more." That message is pretty clear. It's my mind that's the problem. How do you not worry? How do you turn off that uncertainty?
You don't. So I think I'll just take that break and hope for the best. Besides, no matter what happens during that couple of weeks, I know where I'll be when the break is over. Back on the poison.
6:37 AM ET | 11-13-2006 | permalink
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