A New Approach
“Maybe the best way to manage my cancer is to imitate the little Dutch boy. Every time a hole appears in the dike, stick a finger in it. Every time something shows up on the scans, kill it.”
For the last couple of weeks, I've been able to kid myself. I've been off chemo for a while now. I don't feel like my old self, but I do feel pretty good. I haven't been up to the hospital for a couple of weeks. The last time I went, it was sort of like visiting old friends, a time to catch up. Not the weekly grind of another treatment, or more scans, or the next round of chemo. No, I've had it pretty good recently. But now it's time for reality, for my cancer to rear its head again.
This morning I'm going in for my second radio frequency ablation (RFA) procedure, to kill another tumor in my lung. I know what to expect now, and I'm really not nervous. The worst that can happen is a collapsed lung, and I've been through that before. And this time, I know to ask for pain medication before I leave the hospital.
But there's one more thing. Before I have the RFA, we're going to do a new set of CT scans. It's been a while since the last ones. So I come face to face again with that fear that haunts us all. Will there be something new? While I've been knocking off the existing tumors one at a time, have new ones snuck in and started growing? Will they crack through the wall of my newfound optimism? Will they remind me, in the most graphic way, that I still have cancer?
I admit it. I am nervous about that. I'd like to postpone going back on chemo as long as I can. I like not being that sick. But one white spot on the scans can turn all that around. I realize I've changed my philosophy on fighting this thing. Since a cure is really out of the question for most of us, most doctors have turned to the idea of managing the disease. Trying to keep it under control as long as possible. Buying time. And that usually means chemo.
But I'm trying a new approach. Same goal ? manage the beast, keep it caged for as long as possible. But let's say there's a new tumor on my scans. Can't we just kill it, too? Can't we use radiation or RFA? Aren't they just as effective as chemo? I know the whack-mole approach, taking them on one at a time, doesn't address the systemic problem. It won't attack the cancer we can't see. But to be honest, my chemo wasn't doing such a great job of that. Maybe the best way to manage my cancer is to imitate the little Dutch boy. Every time a hole appears in the dike, stick a finger in it. Every time something shows up on the scans, kill it.
At the same time, I think about the other possibility. What if there are no new hotspots on the scans? What if my luck has held? I think most of us don't like to go too far down that road. It's like wishing for a puppy for Christmas. You're setting yourself up for disappointment. I think I'm prepared mentally for either outcome, as prepared as I can be. So after my little break, it's time to stand up, stretch a little, take a few deep breaths, and get back in the fight.
9:32 AM ET | 02-20-2007 | permalink
