Truer words have never been spoken than your last ones today. Yesterday, a woman in her early 20s came in our chat room, married last spring, and in the process of testing to confirm a diagnosis of inflammatory breast cancer — a type of breast cancer that's especially aggressive at any age, but like most forms of breast cancer, even more so in the young. She's her parent's only child, to boot. So if any scenario in cancer world seems TRULY cruel, this one does. I pray that her doctors will be successful in treating her, and that it's been found soon enough for treatment to have a chance, but the blight that's just fallen on those young lives is appalling. Those who are praying people would be kind to pray for this young woman... she'll need them.

Sent by Nancy K. Clark | 9:53 AM ET | 03-08-2007

I am so blessed that cancer choose my body and not my 3 sons... 22,19,18. God knew I could not bear to watch a child of mine suffer from this ugly beast.

Sent by Marianne Dalton | 10:18 AM ET | 03-08-2007

You're absolutely right Leroy. It breaks my heart to see young people with cancer, knowing they may never get married, have children or grandchildren or see many of the wonderful things there are to see in life.

I have six grandchildren and the one thought that makes me very sad when I think about it is that I may not have the chance to see them grow up to see what becomes of their lives to see them accomplish great things. I've had a good life and am not old by any standards (65) but, like you, I'm not ready to go anytime soon. It is depressing to see and read about people dying from the cancer that I have but I'm determined to be one of the good statistics after all, someone has to make up the small number of survivors that are cited in those numbers.

Sent by Geneva | 10:22 AM ET | 03-08-2007

There are so many stages and milestones throughout our lives that it seems unfair and cruel to face death from cancer at any age. Cancer robs every person of the best part of their life before they're ready — no matter how young or old they are. Young, and a whole life yet to experience. Middle aged and truly settling down to who you've become, with kids and a spouse who need you. Older, with kids who still need you and grandchildren who love you. Cancer is a heinous thief when it steals a young life because we think of the innocence and unreached milestones. But truly, it's a heinous thief all the time because it doesn't just take a life, it slashes and batters every person connected to that life — young, old and in-between.

Sent by Marylee | 10:25 AM ET | 03-08-2007

Leroy:

I think that in the long run — when ALL things are finally played out — we will know why some die young (anything under 99 is young)... we are all connected and the ripple effect of one life on the rest of us remains with us, as a part of our journey... how our lives are touched by so many things, that shape who we are... or who we eventually are. It is just amazing when you stop to think about it. Those that die so young, with their whole life ahead of them... perhaps that is only our perception... as it makes such a impact on each of us... We are all in this together, good or bad. If we can just love each other and help each other along the way...one day at a time...

Sent by Joan | 10:27 AM ET | 03-08-2007

Amen.

Sent by Tom Clarke | 10:30 AM ET | 03-08-2007

Leroy,

I couldn't agree more. Being diagnosed 2 years ago in my late 20s one cannot help but want to shout at the devil. Having seen loved ones around me battle cancer, and fighting the good fight myself, I definitely have at times looked at life as unfair. But your constant message throughout your blogs rings true — WE CANNOT GIVE UP ON LIFE! This is possibly the greatest of life's tests, but through faith, determination, the miracle of modern medicine and the positive vibes of those who care for us and about us, we will persevere.

Sent by Hunter | 12:33 PM ET | 03-08-2007

I don't know if I experience the cancer any differently than someone who is older — I was diagnosed as a 34 y.o. newlywed. It was heartbreaking, but I'm sure we all felt that same heartbreak, regardless of our ages. Having a diagnosis at a young age does have some unique concerns — fertility being a big one. My husband and I were able to do a round of IVF before I started chemo — so fingers crossed that I'll stay healthy enough to be a mother. That said, it still is a bit of a grey area as to whether or not a pregnancy could encourage the cancer to come back, or start a new cancer. Using a surrogate mother is an option, but a very expensive one... $80K.

Like many people here, I try to focus on the day at hand. Living with uncertainty has become the norm, and I find that I'm now much better able to enjoy the moment that I'm in.

Leroy — I've quoted you on my blog — livingcured.blogspot.com. I hope that is okay. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us.

Sent by Jen | 12:42 PM ET | 03-08-2007

Leroy,

I have had this same discussion with my husband, many times. I was 47 when I was told I had 3 months left to live. The saddest thing for me was realizing that my 3-year-old grandson would not remember me.

Other than that, I was able to cope with everything else... my husband had come to terms with the ultimate outcome..(something he could not have done if I had succumbed 6 years before when I was first diagnosed) I had lived a wonderful life my kids were grown and settled into careers I had accomplished most of what I wanted to do career-wise and I did not have any regrets about what I'd done or not done in my life. Yes, I would like more time but this isn't the worst time to have it happen.

I cannot imagine what I would be going through if I was still raising my kids, or just starting out in my adult life. That seems to me to be the worst period in life for this to happen.

Then there is the other group, 70 and over. My husband has always held the opinion that if you get to live to 70, then you have WON the game of life. At that age, you have finished your career, raised your kids, had romantic relationships, etc. Everything else after 70 is just a bonus. But if you can't do it right by 70, you only have yourself to blame. We laugh, that as we get close to 70 we will begin to fudge that number upward. But in reality, we recognize some truth in that sentiment.

Then there is the youngest group, the kids. Yes, it's terrible to watch little kids go through this but that is because WE feel helpless to do anything for them. I think kids cope better than all of us, they don't understand what they're missing in life yet, they also look to adults to handle things for them. They don't have to make the big decisions, or wonder if they made the wrong turn. They rely on us. That is why we ache so much for them.

This is all just my take on it.

Sent by Cindy | 12:56 PM ET | 03-08-2007

Great post. It reminds me of a person I never met, but did have an impact on me. When my older brother was graduating from college, it caught my attention during the ceremony that this lady got a great ovation from everybody. I learned then that she had been battling with cancer for half of the program, even currently under chemotherapy, however she made it through and graduated as a Systems Engineer! Quite an accomplishment.

She died a couple of weeks after the graduation ceremony. I will never forget that. She never gave up.

Sent by Rafael Garcia | 12:58 PM ET | 03-08-2007

Hello. I was diagnosed with brain cancer when I was 17. One thing I learned was to accept it and move on. Yes, I gained 90 pounds, and yes I lost 10 pounds. I believe that the whole idea is to skip over the "why me" part and fight back with everything you have. Life is full of obstacles, overcoming them is the greatest achievement.

Sent by Lauren | 1:52 PM ET | 03-08-2007

Leroy,

May I offer a slightly different perspective about children dying? I believe it is hardest on those who have to watch it happen because they know all the things that little person will never experience. Children don't have that perspective and are often much more graceful and at peace with their own deaths than are the adults who care for them. I'm 65 and certainly not ready to die, but it would be more okay now than, say, when my dependent babies needed me.

Personally, I think the parents of small children are the saddest (if there is a scale) because they have responsibilities they have undertaken and will not be able to fulfill. On top of coping with death, there is worry about their children's future.

I also don't believe life is "fair" or "unfair." It just is what it is and we have to deal with "the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" as best we can. In my scheme of things, you are doing one terrific job, Leroy.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 2:20 PM ET | 03-08-2007

Your columns and the comments are full of realized wisdom and lived compassion. When reading today's post/comments, I was struck that all the talk of the dread of cancer, which is a "knowable" element, is really the dread of the unknowable. The terror of the unknown, for me, in unbearable. Maybe holding onto our identity with, and focusing on cancer gives us a sense of control, somehow, until there is a surrender and we truly see we that we are not in control of when we die, and that ultimately it doesn't even matter how we die, and that were powerless over the unknown. That's what I've heard said and it makes sense to me, although I cant explain just how.

Sent by M. | 2:22 PM ET | 03-08-2007

I had a friend die from small cell lung cancer a couple of years ago. He was in his early 50s and what broke my heart was not just the loss of his life, but his two daughters who would never have their father walk them down the aisle and his future grandchildren who would never get to know his humor and love. Cancer doesn't just rob the life from its primary victim. It takes from all of us.

Sent by Nancy | 3:29 PM ET | 03-08-2007

I'm 28 years old and I have lung cancer, which has an average diagnosis age of 68 or so. Often I look at and admire elderly people. Sometimes I get almost bitterly jealous at old people. After being diagnosed at 27, it was the first time in my life I actually wanted to be old and gray.

Sometimes I think about how my body will never get an opportunity to age. My face won't get a chance to develop wrinkles and my hair wont ever be able to turn gray. Weird, isn't it? That I have this future-dated nostalgia for the aging of my own body. What's more important to me, like you say, is possibly not being able to live out some important life events, like having a family and a career.

There's a subtle logic that we all use (even though many of us won't admit it): who is, for lack of a better phrase, less deserving or more deserving? This is a big problem with lung cancer, as I am sure you are aware. I cant lie to you when I meet a sixty or seventy year-old woman who has been diagnosed with lung cancer and who has smoked a pack a day for the past 30 years, I want to ask, "is it a surprise?" As a non-smoking 28 year-old it also angers me when I meet an elderly smoker who was lucky enough to catch her cancer early, have it removed, and she continues to smoke. It's insulting. I am scrambling, desperately, trying to hold onto every little slippery piece of progress on my terminal disease and some people take it for granted. Please don't.

If you're older than me, know that you could have been me and appreciate all the memories you've had and don't take if for granted. For those younger than me, I am thinking of you and I want you to know that I know how lucky I am. Hang in there.

Sent by Aaron P. | 3:32 PM ET | 03-08-2007

This comment is not about today's good column but yesterday's letters full of wonderful and important "advice" for the brave and humble doctor!

I just read each letter. How I wish that these could all be HEARD and/or READ by oncologists everywhere. So many are missing the boat (named HUMANITY.) Our lives are in their hands, and how they interact with us obviously matters hugely. I wish NPR would do a special broadcast on oncologists spinning off from, and using all these comments.

Thank you !

Sent by Nancy O. | 9:53 PM ET | 03-08-2007

The series is wonderful. As a two-time cancer survivor I can identify on many levels. Leroy is a fantastic communicator. Communication in the cancer world is essential. It is and no longer will be a silent disease, a disease so frightening we identify it with one letter only, the big C.

I have tried to encourage better communication. I did research and my book, Cancer Etiquette: What to Say What to Do When Someone You Know or Love Has Cancer, is my way of giving back, of suggesting ways we can find appropriate words and deeds to help the person with cancer and those in his family circle.

Thanks.

Sent by Rosanne Kalick | 12:44 PM ET | 03-09-2007

I found this website through a friend and I am happy that I can view your stories. I also have cancer for 3 years now and it can be very hard. I am 35 and have 2 children and I still don't think I have seen enough in life and believe I will miss out on a lot. It is very sad to see younger or any person for that matter to be robbed by cancer. I try as much as I can when I feel good to go to the children hospital to read them books and talk to them. It breaks my heart every time.

Sent by Nichole Eshet | 12:48 PM ET | 03-09-2007

I can't imagine that many people are ready at any time to experience cancer. It's unfair and a tragedy at any moment in one's life. We all have goals and aspirations, things we want to do. Complex connections with family and friends. I think it's a tragedy for these others when anyone dies of cancer. The children with their life unfulfilled whether or not they are aware of it. The twenty somethings prepared for life but unable to continue on. The young parents with their children still needing their guidance and care. The older parents leaving the job half done. The grandparents not seeing the fulfillment of their lives going on in their children and grandchildren. It's never fair and its always a tragedy. I can't think of a good time. Even if the patient is accepting, the tragedy of cancer will be there for those left behind.

Sent by Chris | 12:57 PM ET | 03-09-2007

I appreciated your comments... and I agree. My 8-year-old daughter has cancer, and yes it does seem especially cruel to see one so young suffer. BUT had I been her mother for 50 years only to potentially watch her die before me... I cannot imagine that either. My little one fights and works hard to beat this cancer, but she has also grieved and come to a place of peace. She has asked extremely tough questions — pressing me to the place where I had to tell her that if she died, I would be o.k. I was able to say such a thing with a free (albeit heavy) heart because our hope is in God and that we will all be together someday should she preceed us... Even so, I believe that it is never easy to face dying or watching someone you love die - whatever your age! I also believe that fullness of life is not contingent upon years. My daughter's life will be full whether she ever makes it to 9 or not.

Sent by Sarah | 12:59 PM ET | 03-09-2007

Yes, I heartily agree. I also agree that it is hard to see a very young person being robbed of life. I want to add that as a younger person who went through cancer, I am very grateful that the cancer I had is not the one my grandmother had, diagnosed at 76 and recurred at 80. As hard as it was to help her through her cancer, her chemotherapy was not as harsh as mine. For that I am so grateful. As a younger person, my body could take it and recover. So did my mental/emotional state. I can't imagine putting an older person through such a thing, although I've met them in the chemo room.

Sent by Lilly T. | 1:01 PM ET | 03-09-2007

It's hard at any age. My husband has inoperable pancreatic cancer and will be 49 next month. He definitely has a few milestones left to reach. I have 2 teenagers from a previous life :) however we have a 7 year old who is my husband's only child. There is still so much left for them to experience together. The goal at this point is for my husband to watch our son receive his First Holy Communion the spring of 2008. Thanks for sharing with all of us Leroy and God Bless.

Sent by Toni | 1:03 PM ET | 03-09-2007

Leroy,

I was 34 years old when I was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer, this was 4 years ago. It has been a blessing in my life.

Sent by Sumathi | 1:04 PM ET | 03-09-2007

Leroy,

I manage the ACOR Colon Discussion List and have been a member of that list for ten years. I also am a 24-year colon cancer survivor. I was so glad to read what you wrote about "giving up" — that sending treatment may be a perfectly reasonable personal choice and is not giving up at all. Too often people are afraid to make that choice, one that might give quality and meaning to the lives, because they don't want to be seen as "giving up." Often families will pressure a patient to continue treatment that is not helping because they, too, fear "giving up."

The fight continues, active treatment or no active treatment. There is no giving up and no shame in making a choice.

Thanks for this wonderful blog.

Sent by Kate Murphy | 1:12 PM ET | 03-09-2007

As a non-cancer afflicted individual, I cannot possibly begin to imagine what goes through your minds. And what possibly goes through the minds of younger patients only they know, but I did see my father die during his 4-year battle with cancer.

I have a friend who as a student of psychology secured a residency in the children's ward of terminally ill cancer patients.

The first day she had to go in to see a small girl who did not have long to live, she burst out crying shortly after entering the room. The child proceeded to comfort her, and when the crying subsided, she told her "You are supposed to be comforting me" and smiled at her and gave her a kiss. That moment has stayed with my friend forever.

These young patients seem to have the same life years as dogs or cats, seems like for every year they have, they live 10, and are wise well beyond their years. It is still unfair, but somehow they learn to enjoy what little time they have to the fullest. That is what as adults we too must learn to do.

My prayers are with you all.

Sent by David Abad | 1:14 PM ET | 03-09-2007

It's not really a question of fairness, is it? Getting cancer is no more "unfair" than getting any other serious disease. It's no more "unfair" than knowing that every one alive now is going to die. Most people I've known, no matter what their age, were not really ready to die. My 92-year-old mom would have liked to live longer and I still feel heartbroken that she had to go. I'm 61, and that seems far too young! But I do remember when I was in my early forties and had young children, I had a large ovarian cyst that the doctor thought might be cancer. The terror I felt then was far worse than now. I just couldn't stand the thought of leaving our little boys with no mom! So ? I'll keep fighting, but I know it would be easier for me to accept and be at peace with my life ending now than it would have been then. And worst of all — most painful for me— would be to watch my child (or anyone's child) struggle with cancer or any other life-threatening disease. It just seems unnatural to die before growing up.

Sent by Doris | 1:15 PM ET | 03-09-2007

I am a 59 year old diagnosed a year ago with terminal lung cancer. I never smoked and tried to be a "good" person, working in the public education my whole life. I confess as Aaron noted above spending some time wondering "why me?" But as I turned back to religion and thought about the nature of God and man, I realized the question was "why not me?" There is no reason why cancer should have happened to someone else instead of me. It is not a reward or punishment for the life we lived or hope to live.

This blog has been a God-send, Leroy. It has helped verbalize many thoughts I have had. There are so many things "we" can share that those without cancer don't really understand and often don't want to hear.

I had an old high school classmate, with a terminal degenerative disease, who made email contact after he heard about my cancer. He and I exchanged many deep thoughts. He said he could tell me things his family didn't want to know because they were always hoping he would not die. He did die within 3 months. At the funeral his wife told me he told her how much he treasured the chance to share with me.

This blog hopefully does that for all of us.

Sent by John Segars | 1:17 PM ET | 03-09-2007

Age 65 checking in and I sure as hell want at least another 5 years. The DR says I wont get them. Well, what does medical science know about the way my system and attitude will react to that.

Sent by Tim | 1:28 PM ET | 03-09-2007

I have written several times before regarding my son who was diagnosed 4 years ago with liver cancer at 18 months. It was the most challenging time of our lives. I often wished that I was the one who is sick. It was more painful to watch my baby suffer than it is for me to feel the physical pain.

My son has been off chemo for 4 years now, but still need quarterly check-ups. It is painful to explain to a 6 year old why he has to miss school for these check-ups, why he has to wear his hearing aid (chemo damaged his hearing), why he has two huge scars on his stomach, etc. Since he was so young when he was diagnosed, he couldn't understand the concept of tumors and cancer. We used to tell him that he had a spider in his stomach, so the doctors had to cut his stomach open to get it out. It brought me to tears when he asked me if the spider was still alive and what color was it. We didn't go on vacations since he was diagnosed. In 2004, Make-A-Wish Foundation graciously sent us to Disney World. In preparation for the trip, I had to explained to him what a hotel is. I told him a hotel is a building with many rooms. People would play during the day and sleep in these rooms at night. His response was "but that's a hospital, mommy!" His innocence was painful for me.

On the bright side, since he was so young, he didn't understand what was going on and didn't have any anxiety or depression. He even learned to inject anti-nausea medicine into his own IV. We are very blessed that he is now a healthy and happy 6 year old.

Leroy, I want to THANK YOU for having this blog. Since my son's illness, I haven't talked about my experiences with many people since it was such a painful nightmare and there is still a little fear in me that it will return. However, reading your articles and all the comments are very therapeutic. THANK YOU!

Sent by Grace | 2:46 PM ET | 03-09-2007

Leroy, I heard a great reply to the question: "Who wants to live to be 90 anyway?" A) Ask an 89 year old.

Keep it up!

Sent by Tim | 2:47 PM ET | 03-09-2007

My son is a pediatric oncologist just finishing his fellowship at Brown. In July he will be moving to Charlotte, North Carolina One comment is that where he is now and also in Charlotte the staff works together. From the oncology department, radiologist, nurses, social worker, etc.

He works with children of all ages fighting the cancer. He spends a great deal of time talking to the parents and is always honest about what is in store for them. Always using the word cancer and answering all questions with dignity. There has been some marvelous results these past years for children. the children seem to have more strength and courage and love.

I now have a dear friend being treated at John Hopkins for acute leukemia. The first bone marrow transplant didn't work and now she is scheduled for the second one on March 27th. Her doctors treat her with honesty and much caring. None of us should be afraid to use the word cancer or let them express their fears..

Just wanted to express these thoughts that many doctors are dedicated to giving cancer patients no matter the age their love and knowledge.

My prayers are for all children, my friend and to you.

Sent by Joan Kaplan | 3:48 PM ET | 03-09-2007

I am a ten year lung cancer survivor, my cancer was stage IIIA in 1997. I have been in remission for ten years and just want to encourage all of the people out there with an active cancer to keep the faith. I believe that winning the battle is 95 percent faith and 5 percent medicine.

Sent by Megan | 3:49 PM ET | 03-09-2007

First of all I never considered it my cancer. It was a foreign body that had invaded by body. The Bible says call those things not as though they were. I also watched a friend go through this and I out it's our attitude when you go through this, with lots of prayer that will bring you through. She said it's just an inconvience that I am going through and at that time she wasn't a Christian. So she taught me alot through that time. And thank god I made it through, worked the whole time, only missed a few days of work. True my body has not been the same but with a good out look I have made it through and I am now 3 years cancer free. I cried one time and that was on birthday and my hair all fell out. But I was cute bald headed, so what can I say. I had some depression and the doctor placed me on Zoloft and that has also helped. So chin up and with the help of the lord we can make it through.

Sent by Barb Yates | 3:06 PM ET | 03-12-2007

Larry, I'm 51, 52 next week in fact, and a 1 1/2 year survivor of kidney cancer. So far, NED after a radical nephrectomy of my left kidney & tumor. I totally get your point about this being a "one-way door"... it can't be explained to someone who hasn't gone through that door, except to say that one's life takes on an utterly different perspective. The challenge is to take that new perspective, and make it work as a positive force in ones life, rather than dwell on the possible horrors of cancer. That's what I do, every day, to the best of my ability.

Good luck with your fight!!!

Sent by Mike Armstrong | 11:39 AM ET | 03-13-2007

My mother died of a brain tumor when she was 51. I was 25. The night she died was the only time I ever saw my grandparents — my mother's parents, who were in their late 70s — cry. My grandmother, in particular, just kept saying, " It should have been me — no mother should have to live to see her child go before her." I am a cancer survivor now myself, and I do not have children (I went into menopause during my first chemo cycle). Although that is something I am very sad about, there is a part of me that is grateful that if I end up dying of my cancer, I will not have children who will miss me. I think this is all just very hard, whatever way you look at it.

Sent by Suzanne | 11:51 AM ET | 03-13-2007

Thanks for your comments today touching on the sad and cruel circumstance of children losing their lives to cancer. I lost my 12-year-old daughter to the difficult to cure childhood cancer neuroblastoma. As bad I feel, which is really bad, the worst part is thinking of how her life, which she so much wanted to live, was taken away from her.

I still write on her website, trying to keep her memory alive.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/laurastiles

Sent by Mara Stiles | 11:53 AM ET | 03-13-2007

You people who left these comments have made my week. Thank you for taking your precious time to do so. I'm Suzy,mother of Sarah 9yrs. and on 12-8 -06 they removed from my brain a softball sizs glioblastoma multiforme said I had aa6-12 to live and to get my affairs in order. The Dr. however IS NOT God Almight, so I came home and recuperated with lots of help for a few week. Recently they did my regualarly scheduled 3 months MRI which was inconclusive, so then they did a pet scan and a spectograhy and sent me back to my brain surgeon who told me when he said I was going to die that he was going to open up my head the same as before and take it out. My greatest joy is my daughter, Sarah but I feel so sorry for all I'm putting her through. I have set up Legal Guardians for her and and have left everything but a few personal items to people I want to. I am on Dextramethasone every six hous for the swelling round the brain and now have no more headaches. I had pneumonia in May and yet took my oral chemo in June and didn't know I shouldn't have as my Dr. said my immune system was shutting down so no oral chemo for the month of July, thats ok with me since they ate going to surgery in August-2007 by mid August. I would really love to find a brain cancer support group in the Appleton, Fox Valley area of Wisconsin, like Neenah-Menasha, Oshkosh, to name the closest cities near me. Please pray for me and my daughter Sarah. I have always since her birth prayed that God would not take me out of her life until she at least is finished with high school and she will then know my values and I will be there for her teenage yrs. which is extremely important to me, like prom, going to her 8th grade graduation, being here when she first gets her period, the first kiss, the first crush, you get the feeling, right. Please write me at Suzy Whittaker if you are able to me

Sent by Suzan | 1:34 PM ET | 07-21-2007

Hi
My father was just told on June 3rd 2008 he has 3 months to live.he has been battleing pantriatic cancer for 3 1/2 years now.the last 3 1/2 years have not been easy on anyone.My dad always talk about anything any time.last time i saw him was 3.5 years ago @ my son,s funeral. ever since june 3rd he just does not want to talk because he says he does not know what to say and iam also lost for words what can we talk about with out upsetting anyone.i would do anything he wants me to do.it seems like he has given up on hope.he does not wish to leave the house.i just wish i could have him the way he was before june 3rd.he is withdrawn from everyone what can i do to at least have a converation with him what do you say to someone whos been told they only have 3 months to live?He moved back to canada for a second opion because doctors in england told him their was nothing else they could do.and now after 6 months of treatments here we are again.all i want is too see my dad and see him smile or hear him laugh 1 last time.

Sent by mike | 4:49 PM ET | 06-07-2008