I heard of this very "issue" (yes, there's a pun there) once before--a priest who had cancer who faced this very question of whether or not and if so, for how long, to renew a magazine subscription. As you say, the little things......

Sent by Joyce Smith | 7:23 AM ET | 07-20-2007

Yeah Leroy!!! Too bad they didn't have an even better offer for five years!!!!I too have continued to renew my subscriptions and made it a point to take the longest period available!!! Best deal ever in many different ways! Have a splendid weekend!

Sent by Ruth Chermok | 7:36 AM ET | 07-20-2007

Leroy

I LIKE HOW YOU THINK!!!

As I read I was going to say.... "GO FOR IT ALL!!!" :-)

Now go to your Doc's and tell them.. "I can't die now.. I just signed a three year deal!!" LOL

GREAT DEAL!! :-)

Sent by Ron Bye (NH) | 7:41 AM ET | 07-20-2007

Your last paragraph should become a mantra. We all should stop wasting time and live, it is our best deal.

to all: have a great weekend.

Sent by Susan Chap | 7:46 AM ET | 07-20-2007

Your humor and bravery under these trying circumstances never fail to inspire me. Here's to your follow-on 3-year renewal!

Sent by bill combs | 7:51 AM ET | 07-20-2007

Absolutely, the best choice!

Sent by Sandy Lathe | 7:54 AM ET | 07-20-2007

Ah, Leroy, you are an alchemist. You took a scary/crappy incident and converted it to a moment of hope and victory. Keep on going for the gold.

Sent by jane | 8:31 AM ET | 07-20-2007

Hi Leroy,

After 7 years of fighting the beast I've encountered this very same issue -- time after time. Do I renew subscriptions for 2 years or get the great deal for 5 years?

I just bought a new refrigerator. Now, when I purchase a service contract, I always ask if it is transferrable to a new owner. If it is, I buy it. If not, I just take my chances.

By the way, my refrigerator's service contract is transferrable and it runs out on July 6, 2012. Well, I sure don't expect to see that date but will continue to live as though I will! Sue

Sent by Sue | 8:40 AM ET | 07-20-2007

You are so right Leroy. You just don't know. Wasn't it you who said you liked mystery. Well there you go. I'm so glad you checked "the best deal". The Jew in me is proud at ya. (Sorry if I offended any other Jew out there but I couldn't resist.)

Since I've shared my frustrations and vented here I'd like to share good news. Hopefully it brings hope for some or just even a smile for others.

Yesterday, my oncologist used the "R" word, remission. I was elated but it took a long time to sink in. I've been living each day trying not to get too emotional either way. I guess even good news takes time to take hold. It seems my last "bad" scan was a "poor CT" and the PET showed much less uptake and good news. What upset my doctor the most was my elevated LDH, cancer markers. Turns out that Lupus can elevate those too and I was diagnosed with that 10 years ago. They never expected my Lupus to be active this soon but they also never expected me to heal this quickly. I still have some issues but according to the doctors I'm doing amazingly well. I've worked hard at it and am lucky I guess. I guess I'll check "the best deal" on my next subscription.

The other news I'd like to share is the goodness of people. I got yet another EOB from my insurance company saying they won't pay for $15,000 of my radiation treatment back in March. I've already received some Charity Care and this was just more of the same to have to apply for. I told my doctor about the battle I have with the insurance company and bill collectors and my full time job trying to satisfy both. He went nutso! He asked how I was going to get well when all these idiots were making me sick? He told me that he and my social worker are going to get on the phone and get to the bottom of this. My doc is one of the top docs at the Univ. of Penn. He is no slouch and has a huge case load. Still he took the time to care about my personal life beyone just blood tests and PET scans. How lucky am I? There are good souls out there. Oh thank God.

Hugs to all.

Lori

Sent by Lori Levin | 8:54 AM ET | 07-20-2007

Leroy,
I just want to tell you that you are an inspriration for my wife (BC survivor) and I as we read about your thoughts. Your outlook on life makes me realize how much we should cherish.
Thank you.

Sent by Perry Narzem | 8:58 AM ET | 07-20-2007

Dear Leroy, Love your positive attitude. I'm looking forward to doing things I couldn't find time to do when I was working - hopefully I will feel good enough to do some of those things. Meanwhile I try to find special things every day. Thanks again for writing every day and helping us all out here in cancer land.

Sent by Vicki (FL) | 9:01 AM ET | 07-20-2007

Dear Leroy,

Thank you for the gift of your column and most of all for the gift of yourself. You are an important voice for all of us. We are all, in some way, holding each other up.
RE todays' blog about not knowing. I'd go for the three year subscription renewal! I'm currently recovering from cancer surgery and radiation. Big jolt to my life. However, life has provided me with valuable perspective... my family lost two people in the WTC attacks. One of them didn't even work there. Wrong place wrong time. I think it is the mark of a benevolent God that He withholds absolute knowledge of the future. That allows us to hope and trust. Peace on us.

Sent by Kathleen | 9:05 AM ET | 07-20-2007

Hi Leroy,

You really are so in tune with me. While a friend was out visiting with me earlier this year, I was trying to decide on a month-to-month or annual subscription to Yahoo real time stock quotes. The yearly subscription was a good deal over the month-to-month subscription, but only if I was around for a year.

It took a little while to decide, but in the end, I went for the one year subscription. In retrospect, I think I made the right decision. I'm guessing you did too.

Ed Steger
www.hncancer.blogspot.com

Sent by Ed Steger | 9:13 AM ET | 07-20-2007

Need any dental work? Same thing. One of my cancer buddies was put in a similar situation when her fillings began crumbling due to dry mouth, a side effect of chemo. The dentist suggested caps and crowns, a better value for the long term. Her breast cancer had metastasized to her lung and liver and all chemo protocols were failing. She was having weekly management for pleural effusion. How much did she really want to invest in dental stuff? Not much. Love ya', Leroy.

Sent by Holly | 9:28 AM ET | 07-20-2007

Somewhere I heard that we (cancer people) should do something optimistic every day. Checking 3 years was a wonderfully optimistic thing for you to do!!! Congratulations.

Sent by Sandra Shuler | 9:29 AM ET | 07-20-2007

If there can be one positive thing I have gotten from cancer it is the realization that we are all going to die. I think everyone realizes it truely at different points in their lives. For me it was getting cancer at 32. Before that I assumed I would live to be 85 or 90 just because that's how long my grandparents lived and that was a long way away. I was always planning for the future. The future that may never come. I now live for today for the most part. Its human nature I think to plan in the future, but I make a conscious effort to enjoy the journey day by day.

Sent by Linda Heep | 9:33 AM ET | 07-20-2007

I have had the same problem, only with shoes. I thought I needed a pair of shoes. I bought a pair of shoes. I got my news of 6 months to a year to live. I returned the shoes. Here I am 9 months later. Do I buy a new pair of shoes? Ever?

Sent by stephanie Dornbrook | 9:39 AM ET | 07-20-2007

Great choice, Leroy! Go for it! I also try to not often review the past and second guess myself. I'd rather live in the present fully and look forward to as much of the future as I'll be given. And I think each of us survivors should definitely have our own theme song and invent (at least in our imaginations) a Bionic costume!

Sent by Karen Quinn | 9:45 AM ET | 07-20-2007

Hello Leroy,
This post made me think about my situation today. I am pushing off my 6 month check in with my oncologist. He is a great guy, but I really don't feel like going to see him. I feel fine, and I can almost convince myself that there is nothing wrong. So I keep pushing it off. I know that is most likely wrong. But I am in a nice place mentally right now. Very little in the way of "after effects", love my job, and my family is great. Why would I want to ruin it with a doctors visit? I think I will keep my head in the sand a bit longer and then get back into the fight. But for now I am going to enjoy this break.

Sent by Brit | 9:58 AM ET | 07-20-2007

Good Morning Leroy/All

Oh how I wish I had your positive outlook. I still cannot come to terms with this " new normal " lifestyle. I try to think positive but those negative thoughts somehow always manage to find their way. My head is always spinning. My mind totally runs my life. This incessant thought process is becoming a mild form of insanity for me. I know I am wasting precious time but I just can't help myself. I so admire you and all the courageous people on this blog. Although I still have these deep dark feelings I do feel that this blog has helped me, especially kowing that I am not alone. Maybe someday I will find peace and acceptance. I am starting to realize that I don't really have a choice.

I am sorry for the babbling. I guess it's because we did not get good results from the CT Scan yesterday. Thank you for allowing me to vent.

Goodluck with your spinal procedure. I hope you get great results. Always in my prayers. Sasha

Sent by sasha | 10:20 AM ET | 07-20-2007

Funny. We were met with this situation when our son was in the hospital for the first time. He was filling out subscription cards for car magazines and he asked his dad if he thought he would be here in 2 years. His dad said it depends on if the chemo works. Not the answer our son wanted to hear so of course that started a heated conversation and ended in tears for all of us. But in the end we found being honest with each other is how we were going to get through this. So today the 2 of them are at the treatment center to meet with the doctor to find out the results of the latest scans. We are getting down to running out of options for treatments so here's the deal. How do you comfort a 25 year young man who is facing death? I would really like to know because I am at a loss for words.

Take care Leroy.

Judy

Sent by Judy Voller | 10:25 AM ET | 07-20-2007

Judy,

It might be a good thing to ask your son what he needs from you in the way of comfort. Keep that honest communication going!

Leroy,

You are such a classy guy. You amaze me.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 10:41 AM ET | 07-20-2007

Dear Stephanie,

Get some shoes that make you smile, now! Seriously! Last year I received a letter from a Boston-area ovarian cancer fund raising organization, offering me one of their service project items - a pair of famous shoe designer, jelly slippers with Swarovski crystal studded top caps, in teal (the OC color). They called them Happy Shoes. I only had to phone them with my shoe size. When I unboxed the slippers, I had the biggest grin, as they were so outrageous and cute and comfy at the same time. I wore them all throughout chemo. They cheered me up every day, at a time when I didn't know or ask if I even had six months, as well as bringing a smile to almost everyone who saw me in them.

Always sending good thoughts your way,
Sheara

Sent by Sheara | 10:41 AM ET | 07-20-2007

Stepahie, please buy the shoes. Please make them frivoulous looking (although comfortable) and in a color that makes everyone smile when they see them.

Blessings for you all. Robin

Sent by Robin L. - Fairfax VA | 10:42 AM ET | 07-20-2007

Judy: You answered your own question. Being honest with each other is how you are going to get through it. Say everything. Love demonstratively. Going through this journey as a threesome, rather than as three lonely individuals, will make it bearable for you all.

Stephanie: GET THE SHOES!!!! :-) You deserve beautiful feet.

Lori: Congratulations and thanks for sharing your good news...the news about the clear PET scan AND the news about the caring doctor. Both are heartwarmers!

Sent by Sandra Shuler | 10:56 AM ET | 07-20-2007

Such a deal...and it comes with such a heartfelt smile to begin the day. Yes!

Sent by Marcia | 11:11 AM ET | 07-20-2007

My wife got a catalog yesterday and was surprised by one of the items in it. She said I should share it with you. This may have already been posted and I missed it. Oh Well! !
What Cancer Cannot Do--Pendant has a saying inscribed on this pendant:
What Cancer
Cannot Do..
It cannot....
Invade the soul
Suppress Memories
Kill friendship
Destroy Peace
Conquer the spirit
Shatter hope
Cripple love
Corrode faith
Steal eternal life
Silence courage

This was in a catalog favorites catalog

Sent by Sam Means | 11:19 AM ET | 07-20-2007

Hey Leroy,
Great observation. It's the little victories that get you through the day. Good for you. When I would enter racing events, I would always be caught be the expiration date of something and relate it to the race coming up. It somehow lessened my anxiety knowing the the half and half I just bought would be around after the race for my enjoyment. It went on regardless and would be there waiting for me. I think that keeps things in perspective. It certainly helped to keep me grounded. I did the same thing during my radiation treatments and just caught myself doing it again when I realized that the half and half container's expiration was one week after my one year anniversary of being cancer free.
As always, you have a great attitude, Leroy. Keep it up.
stay safe, stay strong,
Lance

Sent by Lance Carlson | 11:43 AM ET | 07-20-2007

I like Joyce's pun. Here is another. Leroy, think outside the boxes when signing up for magazines and draw your own box labeled 10 years and check it. That would be an even better deal. You have cancer. You can do whatever you want. You could maybe receive a single magazine for less than if you sign up for two years!
On a more serious note, thanks for your thoughts. I hope today is joyful for you and the bloggers. I became a grandmother for the first time yesterday. All grandmothers think their grandbaby is THE most beuatiful. Well, my Adeline Isabella at 8 pouds, 5 oucnes is the most beuatiful baby at Evanston Hospital. I really got this message of the circle of life when I went to the hospital for my first visit. I went by the chemo place, the radiation zap vaults and the elevator that goes up to surgery. Then I went to see my precious grand daughter. So much life, death and efforts at survival
under one roof. Good luck1
Susan P.

Sent by Susan P | 11:47 AM ET | 07-20-2007

Way to go! Now you have three years until you have to decide if you want another 3! Who knows, maybe there will be an even better deal offered then!

Sent by Leslie Erickson | 11:54 AM ET | 07-20-2007

Way to go Leroy! In this day and age new medical marvels are always around the corner. If I was a betting woman, I would bet you are going to be renewing again in three years.

Sent by Kim Barbato | 12:01 PM ET | 07-20-2007

Love your way of thinking!! What the heck!!

Sent by Pat Beach | 12:06 PM ET | 07-20-2007

Now, three years in remission, I find that it has been really hard for me to make long term plans. That ability is slowly coming but I find myself every six months holding my breath and unable to think pass the test day, then the results day. It???s hard, very hard. Looking back at these past 3 years, I realize I have not done much planning. Only a little at a time. Then I stop and think that I should not fear living my life. I like you, hope for the best and maybe the best is not to fear making plans. Live like the rest of them (the people without the illness, the cancer), making plans and being flexible. I can make plans and know that things might change. Know that I will live to fullest (as clich?? as that sounds). Why not? Slowly. As long as I keep planning. As long as WE keep planning.

Sent by Lorena | 12:19 PM ET | 07-20-2007

Damn that ol' hope thing ;-) And why not 3 years? I think that's the best idea. Go with hope. Mind/body are really one thing, not two. I'm not saying a positive attitude will keep you alive or keep anyone from a recurrence - that would just be another reason to beat one's self up - but a positive attitude helps with NOW. Here and now is all we have. It's the only thing that's real. Everything else is just an idea. I go to my oncologist for my 3 month checkup in a few minutes. For some reason this time I am nervous, really scared. I hope my gut doesn't know something my brain isn't aware of yet.

Sent by Alycia Keating | 12:30 PM ET | 07-20-2007

Knowing our personal expiration date would change how we allocate everything from time, to money, to commitments wouldn't it? Sometimes I think having a wake up call, like a cancer diagnosis, is a reminder to cherish every joyful moment as the treasure it is, but to hold it with an open hand.

Sent by Sarah | 12:37 PM ET | 07-20-2007

alright leroy- what a spirit you have!I don't know that I'd have checked the 3-year box, but if you can do it, I can too!

Sent by debbie | 12:52 PM ET | 07-20-2007

Yes, I have had that thought when renewing subscriptions. Being a very thrifty (well, actually cheap) person I usually go for the best deal. After all I had cancer the first time in 1961 and am very happy to still be here even if I am fighting the beast again.
Charlotte in Temecula
P.S. I still have images of you in that three piece velvet suit in my mind. It must have been a thing of beauty!

Sent by Charlotte Kewish | 12:59 PM ET | 07-20-2007

Dear Everyone,
Forget the shoes! They were practical work shoes in black. I spent the money on yarn to feed my knitting habit. I've taken to making socks instead of sweaters though! I love the appreciation I receive when I give them to family and friends. And I know they will think of me everytime they wear those socks. I know, totally self-centered on my part. But I really do enjoy the knitting, and they really enjoy the socks. Oh, and some baby knitting for my grandson, too! Much better than shoes!

Sent by Stephanie Dornbrook | 1:00 PM ET | 07-20-2007

I have stage III melanoma with 50% chance of survival. I was considering a new car lease when it occurred to me I might not be around at the end of the term. In a few months I must decide on whether or not to exercise the option on my office lease. I've chosen not to buy new suits and only bought a new pair of sneakers after getting a good scan report. And my dentist can forget about the new crowns and implants. But the worst reminder of "our situation" is getting save-the-date cards. That hurts. How sad is it to be thinking these thoughts on a lovely Friday afternoon?
But I will do my best to enjoy the weekend, and hope all of you will (can) do likewise.

Bob A.

Sent by Bob A. | 1:23 PM ET | 07-20-2007

Thanks for the laugh Leroy. Don't you just hate and laugh at those moments all at once.

Sent by Lisa | 1:43 PM ET | 07-20-2007

what a guy! as i was reading todays' entry my heart started to pump a lil faster ,cautiously wanting to read the choice i was hoping you would make....and then ..the last sentance ....once again you have put a huge smile on my face and in my heart!

Sent by marianne dalton | 1:57 PM ET | 07-20-2007

I am seconding Sandra S's comments!!

Judy.. you are right on track with simply being open and honest with each other.....

Steph.... BUY THE SHOES!! And then expect to WEAR THE DARNED SOLES OFF THEM with all your travels!! :-)

Lori... that news sounds absolutely fabulous I am very happy for you!!

Sent by Ron Bye (NH) | 2:08 PM ET | 07-20-2007

About five months after I was diagnosed (with the admonishment that I had six months) I was asked to order my yearly calendar. I was almost in tears (no one at work knew). I finally, thought, oh hell I'm worth a calendar even if I don't use it for the whole year. Now, each year when I am asked to order another calendar it feels like a victory!

Sent by Dona | 2:34 PM ET | 07-20-2007

Leroy,
Thank you so much for this column, it means the world to me and my family. I have had brain cancer for years and years, and share many of your issues.
When the makers of the TV show "Lost" announced the scheduling of the rest of the show (three more seasons), my very first concern was if I'd live long enough to see it all. What a weird, if legitimate, concern to have at age 38. I had to just let go and decide to enjoy what I can. I'm decided that I've got to live the hell out of this life that I have.
Thank you Leroy.

Sent by Mollie Driscoll | 3:02 PM ET | 07-20-2007

Leroy, I know exactly what you mean. Last year when I was in the middle of chemo, I needed to buy more folic acid tablets that I take as a daily supplement. The drugstore was having a 2 for 1 sale, each bottle had 220 pills in it. I thought to myself "Is this really a good deal? Am I going to be alive long enough to use up 2 bottles?" Well, I just opened the second bottle the other day and smiled a big smile when I did it. So sign up for 3 years and go for the deal!!

Sent by Mary C. | 3:02 PM ET | 07-20-2007

I've been reading everyday and decided to post today. Oh, the little things that get to us and/or get us through!

A few years BC (before cancer), I had a repair person tell me that an expensive household repair I needed came with a lifetime guarantee. I laughed out loud! I had just turned 40 and so I told the repairman that since I had probably already lived more than half my life, talking about a "lifetime guarantee" perhaps was not the best marketing strategy when presented to the over 40 crowd. I made the purchase anyway. Whose lifetime does a "lifetime guarantee" really apply to anyway?

Last year I was diagnosed with Stage III small bowel cancer. The stats for long-term survival aren't too good. I remember spending a few weeks debating whether or not to invest in a new pair of jeans! I bought them anyway.

A week ago my financial adviser advised me to start putting more money into retirement. I wondered if this was a smart idea since there's a good chance I won't be here to enjoy it. I added the money anyway.

But I also took out a loan and spent it on a family vacation with my three young adolescent/adult children. And I spend more time with my family and friends. And,as Sandra said, I love demonstratively.

There are no lifetime guarantees. There's only right now. In the rare moments when I "get it," the anxiety and fear melt away and I'm at peace.

Sent by grace | 3:20 PM ET | 07-20-2007

I might have missed this topic but have you talked about your feelings/opinions/thoughts regarding God in all of this suffering that we face. Religous or not, I am sure many of us have, in one way or another, looked to God to ask why or screamed in despair (I have) or perhaps simply turn away in bitterness. Since no one human being can answer the mystery of life and death, I think it is only natural that we look to a higher plane.

Sent by Christine | 3:47 PM ET | 07-20-2007

Oh gosh Leroy, how many of us in Cancer World have faced the SUBSCRIPTION DILEMMA! What box to check off. My feeling is, what the heck--get the best deal you want. You remind me how I too love magazines, despite all my online browsing. They kept good company while in hospitalization for chemo induction and consolidation treatments.

Sent by Dorothy, West Los Angeles | 3:53 PM ET | 07-20-2007

Leroy, How can something so mundane become so profound? It is the little things, the every day mundane things, that jump up and bite you, when you least expect. Your observations, mirror my personal experiences so much, it is weird sometimes. Keep up the good fight, and have a great week-end. Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 4:32 PM ET | 07-20-2007

Dear Stephanie,
Thanks for your post. I talked my husband into a new pair of shoes In February and he hasn't taken them out of the box yet. He keeps telling me that he's going to return them. I just read him your Blog and he agreed to wear them tomorrow.

Sent by Elaine | 4:33 PM ET | 07-20-2007

Hi Leroy,

Is this a coincidence or what? New Mastercards from our bank came in the mail this afternoon. Expiration date is Aug 2010. If I hadn't seen today's post, I might have been tempted to become maudlin over my chances of seeing that date. Thanks to you, I started LMAO.

Stephanie - you rock!

Hope that all of us have happy moments this weekend.

Sent by Sheara | 4:56 PM ET | 07-20-2007

Thank you, Leroy, for choosing the 3 year option with your subscription. Being a Scandinavian consistent with those of Lake Wobegon, I have pondered some of those smaller questions often and chosen what I percieved as the practical option. Your choice is so much more optimistic and hopeful. I will be making that choice from now on. That 3 year subscription is an even greater deal than advertised for those of us with cancer. It brings hope right along with the magazine!

Sent by Jan Scholl | 5:15 PM ET | 07-20-2007

Good for you. I actually stopped renewing my magaizines and I miss the ones that have stopped coming. I did recently by new clothes. I justified that because I think I deserve to be comfortable when I get really sick (an then I won't feel like shopping). I do have to remember to stop contributing to my voluntary retirement account. It would take more than a miracle to steal 25 more years.

Sent by Jill | 5:49 PM ET | 07-20-2007

Now I know why I'm addicted to your blog. Time and again you just make my day.

Sent by Pat cleeland | 5:57 PM ET | 07-20-2007

Dear Mr. Sievers,
You have made a milestone! When I first began reading your blog, you said that it would be wonderful if you coould just be around to read the final Harry Potter book. You really wanted to know how it would all end. Rather like our lives right? Well I hope that you are in line (a hat and wand would be nice too) to get your copy tonight at nidnight. For some of us it symbolises more than a book. It is one of those little things that most really do not think much about. But for some of us WE MADE IT!!!!
Enjoy Joy Canny

Sent by Mrs. Joy Canny | 6:02 PM ET | 07-20-2007

I hope you can laughingly face this same dilemna three years from now! God bless you, Leroy. You made me smile today.

Sent by June, New Jersey | 6:29 PM ET | 07-20-2007

Good choice Leroy....enjoy every issue. To Lori Levin, I think that I know who you're talking about...Dr. Kevin Fox. I ran into him at the Rowan Center at Penn this morning when I went for a follow up there with my cancer physiatrist. He stopped in the hall and asked me how I was doing, wanted to hear about my new job...in the middle of patient hours. You're right ......what a mensche! (If I spelled that wrong, it's because I'm not Jewish!)

Sent by Nancy K. Clark | 6:55 PM ET | 07-20-2007

Dear Bruce,
Thank you for checking in and letting us know. I am certain this must be one of the most difficult tasks you have had to face since Terry's death, and it sounds like you are facing it bravely, that is the man you are, but I wish there was something I could say to make this easier for you. That is a lot of history, and I am feeling your pain deeply and wish there was something I could do to help make it easier for you. If you need to talk, or need a friend to lean on, you are more than welcome to write to me at:
****brianas2create.dream@yahoo.com****

I think about trying to accomplish this task so it is not left for someone else to deal with, but I have no energy to do it, and it is a very frustrating and helpless feeling. The place has needed a major overhaul for a long time, but the reality of not having the capacity physically angers me and makes me feel pretty guilty. Why didn't I clean out the closets before being diagnosed? I have always been a "neat freak", but you certainly could not tell by looking at my house now. I try to be more forgiving for it, but I am pretty hard on myself for my these types of shortcomings. Being somewhat of an amateur writer, I always worry that I may have written something in a journal that will hurt someone's feelings, or that I will be harshly judged for some of the frivilous possessions. It is that WWPT (WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK) syndrome, and I do give thought to my legacy from time to time. Then I ask myself if it will really matter in 10 years, the answer is YES if I hurt someone, NO if I am being judged for neatness! There are so many things I wonder why I hold on to, and perhaps you have helped me to realize it is time to start giving away the things I have meant to give for a long time. There are those who could use some of these "possessions" more than I, and I think I have been pretty selfish to try to not LET GO, almost as if I were to get things in order, I could give myself permission to be more accepting of the situation I have found myself in. Does that make any sense? It is time, and one day at a time, I think I will make an effort to GIVE to those more in need, and perhaps I will feel better about myself, as well. So it could accomplish killing two birds with one stone, so to speak.

So thank you, dear friend, for helping me to see that I need to take the focus off of ME, and in doing so it will insure I do not create more pain for those I leave behind. Take care of yourself, physically and especially emotionally, and remember you are not walking this path alone and my thoughts are with you. Please let us know how you are doing or if you need help. You have done so much to encourage me, and I would be grateful if you would let me return the favor.

Namaste

Love, Briana

Sent by briana | 7:16 PM ET | 07-20-2007

From: Janice White [mailto:jgw18@adelphia.net]
Sent: Thursday, July 19, 2007 7:13 PM
To: NewsLetters
Subject: Re: The Latest from NPR Blogs: My Cancer

dear mr. sievers:

i love your blog - and the person you are, did not know the person you were. think that i started reading this because i heard that ted koppel was going to interview you - and a friend of mine had cancer and he had a blog. i hope that you keep going and writing for a long time to come - never knowing when or what and hopefully with less pain.

my friend, eddie died monday night - buried today - i could not be there but i heard that much was read from his blog - guess that the rabbi was left speechless! eddie fought hard and what can I say - again, you have taken the horrendous fear away - it may not end as we want - but THERE IS LIFE WITH CANCER
TAKE CARE AND G-D BLESS YOU
JANICE GOLDBERG WHITE

just lost a very good friend to cancer - he did not have a long fight ( a little longer than a year) but he fought hard thank you so much - do love your articles

Sent by Janice Goldberg White | 7:27 PM ET | 07-20-2007

Stephanie

BUY THE SHOES! It's a bit like giving the finger to the fickle finger of fate.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 8:55 PM ET | 07-20-2007

Yeah, Leroy! Live dangerously!

Sent by Marilyn | 10:41 PM ET | 07-20-2007

Congratulations Susan P - 1st time grandmother!
I am 100% convinced that my two precious grandchildren are the reason I am still here! Enjoy every moment!

I've been through many of your examples with the mag subscriptions, dental visits, new shoes etc!

My husband keeps telling me we need a newer vehicle for me - but I'm ok with the one I have now - I've told him - you buy yourself a new pickup because why buy a new car when we don't know how much longer I'll be driving! He's insisting on a new(er) one for me though. Christmas 2005 he surprised me with a 1994 Mustang - so that's my summer car - and according to the prognosis by the chemo oncologist I'd only have the summer of 2006 to enjoy the car - well I'm here to tell you how much I'm still enjoying my Mustang this summer of 2007!

Sent by Vicky (NY) | 10:42 PM ET | 07-20-2007

Leroy:

I am so glad that you renewed your subscription - for the entire 3 years yet~!!! None us knows when or how we are going to leave this world. Sure, you have Cancer and that is terrible and scary.....and we are all praying for your return to good health.

When I read your blog today, I thought immediately of what a favorite priest mentioned to us at the time of 9/11. - none of those people (with the exception of the terrorists) got out of bed and went to work expecting not to return home that day. Any more than my sister-in-law's mother (who has never experienced a day of poor health in her life) imagined that she would have a stroke on Monday evening and pass away on Wednesday evening. I am sure she had all of her magazines renewed and her memberships paid for a long time in advance.

If we all lived our lives not being sure if we were going to live tomorrow or in 3 years, we would all become so paralyzed with fear that we would cease to function.

You are doing a great job of living each day to the fullest and facing the terrors of you disease and at the same time helping all of us who are or have loved ones who are facing the same monster. Your blog is the bright ray of sunshine to many as they make their way through the grey days of doubt.

We are here for you when you experience the same. Rest assured your "faith" in renewing your subscriptions for the three years will be returned to you a thousand fold, our fondest wish would be as you renew them for another 3 year period in 2010. Your example to your family and to all of us will help us to help our loved ones look beyond today and reach for the tomorrows that we all pray will be yours and theirs.

Sent by Cindy Sivula | 11:00 PM ET | 07-20-2007

Dear Leroy,

I just read the news that Lance Armstrong is holding a forum in Iowa on CANCER for the purpose of advocating on our behalf in the Presidential race, to make CANCER as much an issue as oil, and high taxes. I am so glad he is coming forth and taking it straight to the candidates that we need treatment, and we need PROPER TREATMENT, for this killer. Of course there was a picture of John Edwards, whose wife, Elizabeth, has Breast Cancer that has spread to the bone.

When I received part of my records last week, I hardly recognized the person the oncologist was talking about-but it was ME! The information was so convaluded and incorrect, I was given the wrong diagnosis altogether, and as I have said many times, I have not had a scheduled treatment plan in spite of the fact I have continued to suffer so many problems since having a Mastectomy in February 2006. Something needs to be done, and done quickly, because I know it is likely I am not the only person who has received this degree of lack of treatment. Shuffled back and forth between physicians, no one comunicating with the other, I have remained ill, I am terrified, the report even states I was advised to have chemo and radiation and REFUSED it. Why would I do that? Even with the initial diagnosis I should have had chemo, but now that I have discovered the cancer is more complex and aggressive, I would have been foolish to not agree to be treated!
I know there may be many people out there who do not see their records or know what is being written about them, and it frightens me that anyone can get away with not only failing to treat patients properly, but also not giving them the opportunity to make an informed
decision about their treatment. How can anyone make an informed decision when they do not know the REAL facts? I cannot begin to tell you how angry I am, but more than that I AM SO SCARED!

I have come to this board on many occasions and left it in tears, reading about all the new and good treatments that are out there, pleading for help, and now find that I was not afforded the respect to even give me the correct information. I am not ignorant, nor am I irresponsible or uninformed. I have a complicated history, but this is not my fault, nor is it a good reason to have them turn their backs to me and dismiss me. Now I fear, more than ever, because of my disability and the fact I have Medicare/Medicaid, it is becoming more and more apparent my life is of less value than a person with a more profitabe insurance policy. Of course, I need to confront this issue, and have an appointment to do so, but I have had difficulty getting answers in the past when seeking medical assistance. I have
worked so hard, advocating on my own behalf, and I am not only more ill but exhausted as well. I am female and single, and I do not know if this is also a factor, but something is very wrong with our system when someone is left to suffer for the wrong reasons.
I hope if there is anyone out there who is not doing well and not receiving help in order to have a quality life, please do not take it for granted all physicians have correct information. Get a copy of your records and make certain you know your diagnosis. Make certain you are being cared for in the proper manner. Sometimes there is too little communication between physicians.
It is YOUR LIFE and you deserve all the
dignity and respect to insure your comfort and well-being.

I am so tired and so disappointed, I would do anything to make certain what has happened to me does not happen to another. Leroy, we need help, we need to speak up and be counted in this fight for our lives. We also need help in getting this accomplished.

Love, Briana

Sent by briana | 11:46 PM ET | 07-20-2007

They analogy I use for myself is "musical chairs".
I am alive today. I am alive right now.
Keep moving. The music is still playing.

Sent by Scott Fertig | 1:36 AM ET | 07-21-2007

Hey Leroy,

I've been reading - lurking - for a while. My husband was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma and he's having a BMT in Aug.

So, it's 12:36 on July 21st and I have to ask - do you have the Harry Potter? I thought of you as I stood in line for our copy.

Sent by Annie | 1:43 AM ET | 07-21-2007

Dear Briana,

I once read that " Waiting for circumstances to change is like looking in a mirror and waiting for your reflection to smile back at you" The only things I can offer you are my thoughts and pryers. And remember, you are never alone we are all here for you.

Sent by sasha | 10:15 AM ET | 07-21-2007

Hi Leroy,
Here is my plan for a win-win decision.
Take the one-year subscription even though it is more costly for the second and later years. If you die before the year is out, look at all of the money you will have saved. And if you live beyond the year and have to spend more than otherwise for the second year subscription, be happy you are still alive. YOU CAN'T LOSE!!

Sent by Harold | 3:20 PM ET | 07-21-2007

I have metatstatic breast cancer and I have had many moments like the one you describe. I agree, go for the best deal! I don't spend much time these days wondering when my life might end, I spend most of my time living it like the charmed life that it is, the expiration date is irrelevant. "We can't direct the wind, but we can continue to adjust our sails."

Sent by B. Kaye | 3:23 PM ET | 07-21-2007

Leroy here's a thought that follows me through the path of "C", Cancer Sucks. A fellow chemo patient used to wear that on a pin her grandaughter made her. I saw it on a bumper sticker the other day. You know what it does, it tries to Suck the life out of you, but you are an admirable foe. It seems Cancer is a parasite feeding off of us, our own cells gone astray. There is something to the mind body connection though. I pray for you! My fellow comrade in this SUCKY War.

Sent by watergirl | 5:15 PM ET | 07-22-2007

Dear Leroy,
i am belated in responding to your post on Friday as I was out of town, greeting family and guests who traveled for my Dad's memorial celebration. I shared some of your thoughts from last Monday's post....a day well lived. Dad and I shared the love of Harry Potter and, as I am sitting quietly back at my home, Dad is gone and Mom has moved back to their summer home at the lake, I just smile and think that Dad is reading over my shoulder. Glad to know you bought the 3 year subscription. And, Brianna, thank you so very much for your kind words of encouragement on Monday on this blog. I shared them with family. As one of my dear favorite patients told me just days before she died...."It's all good"....and it is. Blessings to you all!

Sent by Karen | 5:19 PM ET | 07-22-2007

You can't stop buying green bananas, as my mother would say. I think your three-year subscription is in line with the rest of your philosophy.

It's so important, I think, not to fear being presumptuous. So many of us are afraid to presume that someone truly loves us, or that we can accomplish something, or that we're going to be here in a year or two years or ten years. I think I often feel like presumption invites disaster, like if I let myself think everything will work out, that's when -- BANG! -- it won't.

But I think you're right to go forward on the assumption that you're going to see that three-year subscription through to its end, because how else is there to go forward?

Sent by Linda | 10:43 AM ET | 07-23-2007

Dear Leroy,

I heard your report while driving in to work today. As someone who has recently been diagnosed with cancer, I can't tell you how inspiring it was to hear your big booming strong voice tossing around what it is like to juggle the torments of getting a diagnosis like this. I hope you and the other readers will not mind if I tell my story as briefly as possible.

I am a cardiologist and faculty member at the University of Pennsylvania. I was the "picture of health" all my life until December of 2006 when I suddenly became unable to move my left arm after exercising. It had to happen two more times before I realized it was a seizure. To make a long story shorter, I was found to have a glioblastoma multiforme (brain tumor) and had to undergo radical brain surgery Dec 13th. Post op, I could notg move my left side or walk. But this gradually improved. Now I have had 6 weeks of radiation to my brain and chemo and get chemo for the first week of every month. Plus twice per week I get an experimental infusion of an anti-angiogenic drug. I have recovered well, and am now able to run, work every day, drive, and lift weights. The tumor is still there but has so far stopped growing. No one knows how long I will live. It's been very hard for me, my wife and two little kids (5 and 7) to live with what seems like a death sentence. But, for the most part, we are spending a lot of time together and having a great time. I would be interested in hearing from others with this specific diagnosis. d

Sent by Frederick F. Samaha | 2:02 PM ET | 07-23-2007

Hi, Leroy!
What I love to say when being asked the "how long" questions is " I don't even buy green bananas!" Then I just laugh.

Sent by Alan Beauregard | 3:23 PM ET | 07-23-2007

Leroy:
`
Like you I go for the 3-year deal or more every time. I've held off "the Beast" for 7 years and counting and have gotten a lot of good reading of the NEW YORKER done in that time -- reading I might have missed if I hadn't made that "deal".

Thank you so much for your essays. They really help me, knowing I am not the only one facing this battle.

Sent by Dr Ben | 5:49 PM ET | 07-23-2007

Leroy-I read you every day; thank you for taking the effort to write. I won't go into my disease, but your blog today prompted me to write. I recently bought a new car (new to me) and was delighted to learn that I could get life insurance on the loan without a physical or medical form to complete. Sometimes little things ....................

David A. Park

Sent by David A. Park | 9:08 PM ET | 08-01-2007