how do we persevere? in the face of the uncertainty, the odds, the pain, the fear? most times i just don't know.
peace

Sent by jessie | 7:35 AM ET | 08-02-2007

Leroy,

Fear. Oh gosh, it is something to battle. Yes, you are battling the cancer but I think the fear is even worse. As you say, your cancer doesn't really give you symptoms right now but the fear sure does. No words of wisdom here, just understanding. There are a ton of wise folks that post here, hopefully they will have something much more intelligent to say.

Overall, I think you've won more than a few rounds and you are the favorite and I'd still put my money on you.

Big hugs there Leroy.

Kerry...thank you for your comment on my post and for reading my blog. I too have lymphoma actually, seems to be populare amongst artists. LOL. Thank you for saying I don't have anything to prove, that really did mean a lot and I'm doing a lot of thinking about that whole deal.

All the best to all,

Lori

Sent by Lori Levin | 7:40 AM ET | 08-02-2007

KOKO!! It's all that can be done.

Sent by Chanda | 7:56 AM ET | 08-02-2007

Leroy
Reading today's column reminds me of your post from a few days ago...you took a marble out of the bowl and reflected.

Sent by Patricia A | 8:04 AM ET | 08-02-2007

I go today to get my latest cat scan results after finishing chemo about 6 weeks ago. Since I have recurrent ovarian cancer, who knows what today's outcome might be? Who knows when it will strike again? And how hard and how fast? When I was bringing up your blog this morning and thinking about my own situation, I was thinking how nice it would be to have something like an index where we could just call up dyas where you wrote about "waiting for test results." Your blog today fit the bill just right today though. Thaks.
PS: I guess the search feature could cll up those "test waiting" entries.

Sent by Martha H | 8:22 AM ET | 08-02-2007

Dear Leroy, Last August I had just finished my chemo and here I am again getting chemo and repeating things. I can't believe it spread so quickly. I pray for more time too. I try not to think about the questions and hope for the chemo to cause a remisssion. It gives me hope hearing about others who have lived past predictions. Life is so uncertain now and difficult to plan even fun things as I have so little energy. Your blog is a lifeline and inspiration, Thank you.

Sent by Vicki (FL) | 8:23 AM ET | 08-02-2007

Leroy,

Yesterday's post is especially touching given the bridge collapse in Minneapolis. None of know when our time has come for sure - I received a call from a co-worker who traveled over the bridge 15 minutes before it collapsed.

I guess the point I'm making is we just never know. Life's too short to carry grudges or not let others know that you love them.

By the way, this Saturday is our suburb's Relay For Life and I am walking for all of you (including the caregivers and families) in the Relay For Life. My father has had skin cancer this year and I have the propensity for it as well.

Hope.

Sent by Marie - Minneapolis | 8:24 AM ET | 08-02-2007

It's good to go back to read and see how far you've come (I keep a journal also)! Is it far enough? Not just yet but significant progress has been made. Claim the small and large victories!!

All of us know the fears of which you speak. Mine come in the dark quiet hours of the night when sleep eludes me. Deep in the recesses of our conscious minds the fears manifest themselves and multiply until we are often overwhelmed and unable to function. Sometimes the antidote to the paralysis that fear brings to our lives is in reflecting upon our journey to date.

Leroy, your journey and accomplishments are worth reflection.. colon cancer, gone; brain tumor, gone; most of lung tumors, gone; remaining lung tumor, soon to be gone; spinal mets, there is a plan for one and a plan yet to be developed for the others. I'd say that this is impressive. Will the fears go away after refelcting upon your progress? NO. BUT hopefully, your progress so far will illustrate that the power of Hope and the human spirit have enabled you to come a long way in spite of the fears!!! This is a small victory unto itself. Claim it!!

Blessings and prayers.

Sent by Al Cato | 8:48 AM ET | 08-02-2007

Good Morning Leroy,
Keep your boxing gloves on!! We all need you!!
Peace and Love,
Carolynn

Sent by Carolynn Dubicki | 9:25 AM ET | 08-02-2007

Good Morning Leroy and All,

Yes Leroy, it is a victory to still be here, battled and bruised, definitely, but still very much in the fight! And you will fight on, as we all will with the support of each other.

It would be wonderful if we could all wave a victory flag and say a permanent goodbye to Cancer, in a good way. Maybe someday that will happen for our children or grandchildren...maybe someday!

But for now we will endure treatments and celebrate survivorship anniversaries and battles won. We will remain curious about our status and learn to live with the uncertainty, not an easy task, for sure!

Leroy, we are all there with you and THANKS for leading the way!

As I think back to a year ago, I didn't even know that I had Cancer. That seems like a lifetime ago now. But my one year anniversary of Cancer survivorship will be October 18, two months to the day past our 45 wedding anniversary. I think Tom and I will celebrate with some salt and pepper cat fish. I wish all of you could join us! GOD BLESS.

Eileen Pruyne
Charlotte

Sent by Eileen Pruyne | 9:30 AM ET | 08-02-2007

What may also change is our ability to get back up off of the mat, to use a well-worn analogy. Sometimes the setbacks can just wear us down to the point that it's hard to keep going, but there usually isn't really much choice. I sometimes think back to 2004, which was really my "cancer year" and my "surgery year". By the end of that year, I was a mess...crying all the time, sleeping little, loosing weight rapidly, unable to do much of anything, depending on others to be taken anywhere and very depressed. I've worked very hard, and have gotten a lot of support and material help to get to the point now where I'm living a fairly normal life, working full time, and using WAY less kleenex! It feels really good, and I'm proud of myself.

Sent by Nancy K. Clark | 9:38 AM ET | 08-02-2007

~ Good Morning Leroy ~ You sound better this morning. Probably because you have gotten over that 20 month thing! Good! Now, a brand new challenge and the next page.
My Brother-in-law had two of his vertebrea "cemented" yesterday. We are now waiting to see what happens when they get him up this morning. Only reason they kept him overnight was because his BP and some other functions dropped rather low. They are normal again and he should come home today.
Wishing you a wonderful August with that creative mind of yours flourishing!

Sent by J C Rakowski | 9:41 AM ET | 08-02-2007

What is a sure thing these days? Just when I felt like my life was in pretty good balance, cancer came and shook up the snow globe. I'm now working on a new balance.

Sent by Lisa | 9:45 AM ET | 08-02-2007

You are clearly extremely tough in this battle against such a formidable opponent! My bets are on you!
Karen Q.

Sent by Karen Quinn | 9:51 AM ET | 08-02-2007

The match really is still up for grabs.
I remember writing a long time ago that when you talk about "facing the facts" and "being realistic" you have to realize that some people do survive this, even when the statistics says they shouldn't. And it might be you or me. It may be unlikely, but its not unheard of.
I consider it my duty to remind people that some of us--even Stage 4 Lung Cancer people, like me--will shock everyone and survive this, at least fo a number of years.
That is being realistic. I'll bet when you started this you did not think you would see Christmas 2007, and you will.

Sent by Cathy W formerly NYC now Columbus Ohio (and the State Fair!) | 9:52 AM ET | 08-02-2007

Any further news on the vertobroplasty? If? When? Are you just waiting?

Sent by Stephanie Dornbrook | 10:11 AM ET | 08-02-2007

Leroy - A lesson learned....
I was having a dispute with a contractor while I was building my house and I consulted my attorney/college buddy as the best way to handle the situtation. He gave me some of the best advice I've ever gotten. He said "if this guy needs the money, he'll come around. In this case, buying time is winning".
I referred to that line "buying time is winning" at least a hundred times in a hundred different circumstances.
If you're buying time, you've won, because the outcome of the match is already known.
Enjoy every sandwich.

Sent by Tim | 10:12 AM ET | 08-02-2007

Leroy,

You have written a lot about your various treatments and you have referred to their costs and to the vagaries of insurance coverage.

Would it be possible to give more specifices about the cost of these treatments and how much your insurance company is picking up?

Thank you,

Mary

Sent by Mary Porter | 10:33 AM ET | 08-02-2007

Off topic: Nikki posted yesterday that Burge died Saturday.

Let's keep her and her family in our prayers today.

Sent by Bruce | 10:45 AM ET | 08-02-2007

Dear Leroy,

The other evening, my husband and I were waiting in the checkout line at Barnes and Noble when I had a major hot flash. I mean, my feet were even sweating! I grumbled something about after all I'd been through, you'd think that the powers that be would spare me this sticky, sweaty, condition. My husband looked at me and said, "Let's just be glad you're here to go through it." A year ago I had precious little hair. My left shoulder was frozen. My toes and fingers were still tingling from the Taxotere. A year later, I am learning to love my chemo-induced curls, the neuropathy is fading and I almost have full function of my left side. I am running five miles a day. I am strength training. I have started working part time. Oh, and I have hot flashes. A year later life is good.

Every day, Leroy. Every day. I still have skirmishes, but I am far from the front line. Right now you're at the front line. And you will hold that front line. You will not let the enemy gain ground. This I believe with all my heart.

All my best,
Mo Spikes

Sent by Mo Spikes | 10:59 AM ET | 08-02-2007

Leroy,

I guess thee is knowing and there is KNOWING. Sure, we are all going to die and we don't know when. I do think it's different when you have cancer that is terminal because you know it's going to be sooner rather than later and you live with that sense of "soon" all the time.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 11:05 AM ET | 08-02-2007

It is a bit dismaying how fast the fear can come flooding back, even when we think we're old hands at this stuff, huh? Tomorrow morning I'm going in for a CT scan since the MRI "cannot rule out" a recurrence of my breast cancer. Am I scared? You bet.

But Leroy, in my book, you've already won! We're all going to die, but that doesn't make us losers. Your very real humanity,courage, humor and generosity make you The Champ, hands down.

Sent by Doris | 12:05 PM ET | 08-02-2007

I too am about where I was a year ago. Gemzar had stopped working, my CA19-9 was up to 8,000 and we had to go on something new. Something new was something old, it killed the cancer but made me pretty sick - taxotere. We put up with that until my skin turned red and then burst and my legs looked like redwood stumps. The cancer began to grow. Along came taxol, it brought me down to 1,000 with mostly just fatigue and aching bones as its side effect. I finished the school year, just missing days when I had chemo. The taxol run ended in June. I went to Alaska. I came home, my abdomen is swollen and I feel the tumors growing. Count of 8,000. New chemo tomorrow, if the insurance approves it as nothing is known to help biliary cancer. The doctor is optimistic. I'm tired, really tired.

Sent by Cheryl McDowell | 12:08 PM ET | 08-02-2007

Dearest Leroy,

Your accounting for the number of rounds that you had won in the last 12 months, and the ones the cancer won, immediately triggered the memory of lines from Stan Rogers' wonderful song, "The Field Behind the Plow," which describes a farmer barely making it trying to get his field plowed before the rain he sees coming interrupts his long labors. I think it is the best thing I can share in response to your thoughtful meditation today: "So ease the throttle out a hair, every rod's a gain, and there's victory in every quarter mile." A different way of measuring than counting rounds, but one I love as the daughter and granddaughter of farmers!

Sent by Sarah | 12:12 PM ET | 08-02-2007

Leroy,
If you are looking for discussion topics, I've got one. I have a friend who had breast cancer three years ago and now has cancer in her bones, liver, and lungs. What is the best way I can support her? I realize this is a really open question, I am open to any and all answers. A list would be good. I already write/call/visit/pray.

Thank you for your daily thoughts, I read them and think of my friend, thinking she is feeling the same things you feel. It helps me to understand her, even if she isn't writing it.

Keep up the fight, but if you don't want to fight, I understand that too.

C.S.

Sent by C. S. | 12:29 PM ET | 08-02-2007

Hi Leroy/All...

I've been keeping a journal since I was diagnosed in 2001 and every so often I read it back. Fear is still there but I like the days it is not and I'm care free. I hope to write more of those days.

Leroy, hopefully... a year from now, you'll be looking back on todays blog and hopefully while your doing this you'll be enjoying remission in a hammock with the sound of the ocean splashing against the Hawaiian rocks as the palm trees sway in the breeze all while sipping on a Mai tai. (For that matter, hopefully we all will still be reading you blog a year from now)... And the Mai tai sounds good enough to drink today! lol Take care all and enjoy your day!
Carpe' Diem, Shirl Dolitz

Sent by Shirley Dolitz | 12:44 PM ET | 08-02-2007

Leroy,

Among your many victories, you are leading by example. You are eager to explore every possible means of keeping advantage over The Beast. Your overall outlook is positive, while keeping a healthy dose of realism. I think that you have made the best possible choices for yourself. In writing about these choices and how they effect you, you are helping many others of us put a perspective on our own choices.

Your post today has me thinking back to one year ago - my own chemotherapy experience; and, two years ago - recovering from having my thumb rebuilt after a boating accident severed it at the upper joint. Two years ago, I was pre-cancer, and looking forward to becoming an empty nester. "Career" and garden time were at the top of my list. Well, today is exectly 17 months out from the call from my gyn with a malignant cell discovery. Now my list reads much differently.

To dear Nikki, I hope that you continue to find some comfort in this community. Please know that by sharing your last months with Burge, both he and you will remain in our thoughts.

To Brianna, Sending good wishes for a fruitfull appointment in Atlanta.

Sent by Sheara | 12:55 PM ET | 08-02-2007

Leroy.....it is the uncertainty, the "how many years should I subscribe to" syndrome. How well we all know that tune. Each of us has different emotional coping mechanisms. The range runs from those that can "get on with their lives", "make the most of the time we have". At the other end of the spectrum there are those of us that wish we could do that, that know that we "should" do that, but simply aren't wired that way. So, we waste time, precious time, worrying and wondering. Well, I finally thumbed my nose at "it"...went out and brought that $150.00 pair of shoes that I've wanted for over a year, but felt like that would be a waste of money, probably wouldn't even get them broken in. Phew.....it felt good.....now I've got my eye on that '07 Canary Yellow corvette, you know, the one with 500 hp.This could be fun........

Sent by Jim Wallman | 1:18 PM ET | 08-02-2007

Leroy, My cancer is one of the most scary, Renal Cell does not respond to much. The Chemo is still working, but my last scan was 3 months ago, so I am wondering, is it still working so well, or has the cancer found a way around. My next scan will be in 2 weeks, so I knoe exactly what you are feeling. It is the sadness that comes with time lost doing things you love to do. I hope I don't lose more time. Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 1:21 PM ET | 08-02-2007

Lori Levin: Would you re-post your blog site? Are you the "Lori Levin" who is an animal portrait artist? If so... WOW... saying your work is beautiful is an understatement. I also am an animal artist (I work with pastels and airbrush). I also have lymphoma (follicular NHL, stage IV). And, I also was tested for lupus about 10 years ago, but my doctor said the results were inconclusive, he said I had symptoms but the t-cells weren't irregular enough... then told me I have Fibromyalgia instead. (hmmmm). Anyway... I haven't "yet" been able to get into remission, but am positive.
Anyway, I was just wondering.
Take care, (Carpe' Diem),
Shirl Dolitz

Sent by Shirley Dolitz | 1:29 PM ET | 08-02-2007

Hello Leroy,

I learned yesterday that my guy, who was undergoing radiation because cancer has spread to his brain, has stopped the treatment. I was told by his mom that it was doing more harm than good. She said he can no longer talk so she wasn't able to put him on the phone. He gave her the message to give to me that "if I don't call back it's because I'm dead."

Yesterday was his birthday. A couple of months ago he would have given anything for more time. Now he waits for time to pass quickly in hopes of ending the agonizing pain.

A few months ago I was was sure he'd have at least 30 more good years of life ahead. No one could tell me otherwise and I refused to think differently. Years ago when I was on a positive thinking page I trained my thoughts to think of positive outcomes no matter the situation. It is no longer working this time. Death is imminent and acceptance is difficult.

Sent by Gloria Lovett | 1:52 PM ET | 08-02-2007

Hey Leroy,
It is amazing the hold cancer has on people. Remember, you want to win the war, you don't have to win all the battles. You are a tower of strength. I am sending you all the positive vibes that I can.
stay safe, stay strong,
Lance

Sent by Lance Carlson | 2:41 PM ET | 08-02-2007

Dear Leroy,

This is my second attempt to post. I hope you receive this.

I wanted to say that the last paragraph in your post today said it all...."I realize that the power of the cancer, the power to cause fear and disrupt my life again, hasn't changed"

Every day, week, month brings a new surprise. But I think you are going to win the next round! Good luck with the scans.

Always in my prayers. Sasha

Sent by sasha | 2:41 PM ET | 08-02-2007

Leroy, you do have the gift of encouragement...I usually don't post but,I do read and I will say so much of what I have gleemed has just been great support for me. I really feel part of an extended family...I had a couple of days in the month of July I just didn't want to think of cancer ...I want not to be sick, I want to keep this God given energy as long as I can.

Last year at this time I was on a chemo that I quit...talk about ??wonder??, was that the right choise...well, at the time it was...and since May of this year it was.I went back on chemo in May. Different chemo...it seems those cancer cells get smart and don't respond again to the same drug.

The past few days have been as I said a "reflection" on, well really soon to be 23 years of the cancer world...23 years ago I heard that word...and at 36 I was devestated. 18 months later my husband had his run with it.
In 1995 I heard the word CURE and I got a life insurance policy...in 1998 my husband got the word AGAIN. Now he is 2x survivor...well, you got it 5 years to the day.. May 15th 07...yep,I got the word right from the surgons mouth stage IV overian cancer...this right now is the 4th round of chemo...cry my eyes out "I use to".
Today, I feel soooo blessed, each new day is word of God's unfailing love for us (my husband and me)yep, we are both 2xer's and boy was yesterday a cancer SUCKS DAY for me....I have to do treatment 5 and 6 of this round the doctor said "she would then do scans"...oh, yea did I mention the same doctor I had 23 years ago is the same I have now...
plasamacytoma was the first cancer my odds then were bad.

Leroy , I said in one of the few post I have done...God has a purpose and plan for you and when you do look back on even the same day last year...look how blessed and how far God has brought you.

Marie,from Minneapolis...enjoy your Relay time this weekend...in June of this year in June. I did my 4th Relay for Life and they just keep getting better.
Love to my extended blog family.^j^sandy

Sent by Sandy in Ohio | 3:17 PM ET | 08-02-2007

Leroy,
I understand how you feel. My husband has been off chemo for 3 weeks to get ready for his chemoembolization and everyday I pray that the cancer dosen't spread. Keep faith that is all we can do. I pray for you every night that everything will work out. I hope you can feel all the love and support in this blog. That is one thing I have learned from all this. Cancer shows people how much people cared for them. Our family and friends have been wonderful. All we can do is hope and pray. Good luck next week. I will put in extra prayers for you. What day are you having it? I'm sure it will work out but I know how scared you must feel. Just know that we are all praying for you. God Bless!
Aurella

Sent by Aurella Rocchi | 3:34 PM ET | 08-02-2007

Dear Leroy,

We continue to fight. That's all there is to do. My mom has had a really bad week, and it scared me to read that your cancer advanced so much as soon as you stopped chemo. Hers did too. Radiation for her is out of the question now, so after all this chemo is over in early Sept., we'll get the results. I'm getting a little more scared as the time grows closer. I'm not feeling so positive myself. Isn't it crazy, the way your mood and attitude can change in the space of even a few hours? Some days it's hard to keep up a positive facade, but we try. I pray for everyone here. Love and comfort to all.

Sent by Connie E. | 4:47 PM ET | 08-02-2007

Leroy, just looked at the clock it is 4:30...I'm thinking that since there has not been a post since morning(9:52)
You can be having the???Vertebroplasty today??.I'm sending up prayers for you, our teacher, and encourager!!!

Krupali, It is so awesome you are going on this adverture...but even more awesome you are praying for us all. We are blessed.
Stephenie, I think you need to buy the new shoes...and I'm so happy you are back to work. I think this is perfect timing for "TIME" WE ARE TOLD TO BE READY. I know it is so difficult to not have the answer to the questions...and you are well blessed in the fact you are charting new waters...this would be something Mary would be proud to see.This blog has really done things for the cancer world...I feel so much support in it, as I'm sure so many will agree. I'm sorry for your loss with Mary...overian cancer whispers...we now have an advacote in heaven. I hope her curiosity does run over to all who will listen to the early signs.

Leroy,God bless you today and everyday.^j^sandy

Sent by Sandy in Ohio | 5:03 PM ET | 08-02-2007

Leroy,
When you described the cementing procedure, you said that the tumor would be partially encapsulated which would kill that part of it and some more would likely be killed by the heat of the cement. Is it possible, that, with a different approach and different intent, the "glue" could be used to directly effect the tumor as its primary purpose?

Sent by Gene Koeneman | 5:19 PM ET | 08-02-2007

Hope you saw the letter to the editor in the NYT yesterday morning from a woman dx with stage iv (notice, no caps!) colon cancer 30 years out...to the mat! Best to all.

Sent by Marcia | 6:12 PM ET | 08-02-2007

...my husband was recurrent sclc has recently been told that his T12 spine and sacral spine shows destruction and the doc was surprised he wasn't paralyzed....

The weird thing to me is there is no pain. I'm guessing he could fall over any day if it starts eating into the spinal cord (which it is pressing on as we speak.) There goes that FEAR word. I can't say I know what your going through as a person with cancer, but I can understand from a caregiver view.

You're one tough cookie...so is my husband

Sent by lb | 6:31 PM ET | 08-02-2007

Dear Leroy,
I listened to five podcasts in a row. Wow! You really have a way with words. I saw your documentary and told myself I would follow your blog and now I am finally doing that. I wrote to you earlier and forgot to sign in. What we tell each other in our support group that we will hold each other in our hearts. There's a lot of space in there so welcome in. Have a good evening.

Sent by abby nolan | 6:45 PM ET | 08-02-2007

Hi Leroy:

Hope you are well...a quick hello from Nepal...leaving for Tibet, China today ...where internet is monitored, and news cannot be read... it's going to make for some um.. 'interesting' times... posted some pictures of gorgeous Kathmandu yesterday.. even had a chance to dance with a monk at the Boudhinath Stupa (no it's not normal and/or common...but that was one of my goals..and it made him laugh as it made me chuckle)...seeing the world with all of you... --Krupali

http;//thewanderingnomad.blogspot.com

Sent by Krupali Tejura MD | 9:49 PM ET | 08-02-2007

Nikki,
Please know your family and yourself are in our prayers. I am so very sorry. God bless you and your family and know that we are here for you.

Brianna,
I'm so happy you have found doctors that you believe in.
Aurella

Sent by Aurella Rocchi | 9:54 PM ET | 08-02-2007

Leroy,
Reading your blog brings back so many painful memories of my grandmother's hard and long fought battle with lung cancer. Perhaps if I had put my thoughts into writing, I would have had a way to sort out all the confusion, frustration, and anger. Why not start now? You are an inspiration.
May you continue to live a long life of value and blessing,
Jon

Sent by Jon Harrisson | 9:58 PM ET | 08-02-2007

Vikki, I am sorry. I know this is a very sad time for you. I will continue to remember you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Sent by dorothy | 10:26 PM ET | 08-02-2007

Bruce & Sheara: Thanks for your prayers. I intend to stay with the blog even if Burge isn't here to share.

Hope my details haven't been too hard on people. Unfortunately, the truth of Cancer is hard and I feel like I'd be unfair to you all if I sugar coated the terrible monster who attack my entire family. When the hour was growing near, I laid with him in the small rented hospital bed to let him know I was still there. I was told that we looked like two soldiers in a fox hole. I guess it is really a war and we have lost this battle, but if I can continue fighting with all of you, perhaps the war will one day be won.

Nikki

Sent by Nikki | 11:24 PM ET | 08-02-2007

Thank God for your victory. It can be a daily roller coaster. I have been off chemo since February. This month I go in for my CT and other blood work. I only hope that I perform well. I have been trying to prepare well for my tests. I eat a healthy diet and I have been trying to exercise regularly. I also try to keep my mind in a positive note. That is the most important thing.

Hang in there all,

Hugs,

Sent by Betty in Germany | 3:12 AM ET | 08-03-2007

Nikki

I'm glad you're sticking around. Next Friday will be the 6 month mark since Terry died, and I've found this place a big help.

And I can promise you one thing???time does make it easier. Not better, but easier. I know that seems impossible from where you're standing now. It did to me, too.

Two things you need to do, and things I had a hard time doing:

1. Let people help you. Don't try to carry it alone. I'm very independent, so this one was really tough for me but it's been a big relief.

2. Don't isolate. Get out of the house. Go to work. Stay involved.

Many hugs and sympathy over the miles.

Sent by Bruce | 9:46 AM ET | 08-03-2007