Hi Leroy and all,

I was on a road trip last week, which means my computers got a break too. I had a lot of catching up to do: elephants and friends, treatment and victory, a race against time, beads, and Rwanda devastation.

Today Sisphyus. Although I knew of the tale, I didn't know he was a bad individual. What I do know is bad things happen to good people, and when you least expect it. A friend had a stroke about 3 weeks ago, and another is going to have a biopsy for a suspect bladder tumor today, 2 years ago my sister started to have symptoms of throat cancer which were confirmed. Ok, I'll admit lifestyles could have contributed to these outcomes, however, that is not always the case.

I too hope that cancer and other things bad things that happen to people do get tired and frustrated. I do hope that everyone affected can continue to fight to make whatever bad is out there trying to get them work even harder.

On a positive note, since my sisters diagnosis in November 2005, she had not been to a movie or a theater performance, today she is going to a movie. She cannot swallow her secretions because her esophagus is closed over, however, she is going to try this "new" adventure.. Congratulations to her!

I missed the blog and comments during my week off...makes me think about taking the laptop to Hawaii next spring.

Sent by Susan Chap | 7:48 AM ET | 08-06-2007

Leroy,
When I first became a pharmacist, I worked in the oncology department of a VA hospital, mixing chemotherapy and filling prescriptions for people with cancer. I asked one of the nurses what all of these people could possibly have done to deserve cancer. She told me that if I worked with children who had cancer, I would know that it was not a punishment. Twenty years later, I know she was right, it's part of all of the stuff that happens in this life. Your willingness to think about and write about your experience with cancer has created a community, and we are all blessed by that. I too hope that cancer is getting tired and frustrated!
Lisa D.

Sent by Lisa D. | 8:33 AM ET | 08-06-2007

Well, my hat's off to you. Six years - wow. I've only been going through this with my husband for 8 months, and we're both exhausted. We will have been married three years in October. We finally got it all together. Fun and frivolity were our way of life. Now we're both rolling that damn boulder. I hate it after only eight months. Keep writing, Leroy. You give us hope.

Sent by Ruth | 8:45 AM ET | 08-06-2007

Yep - do not let it destroy your hope.

Make it struggle against all the tools modern medicine and a community of friends give you.

As a PS - thanks to Jill for the prescription for Naomi Shabib Nye - I am not to the last poem in the book, as I am savoring it like many of the contributors who did not want Harry Potter to end, but she helps in a personal goal of being moved to laughter and to tears each day.

Keep it up !

Sent by Jack Burrington | 8:50 AM ET | 08-06-2007

This is only my second posting but today I am reflecting on your comments from Friday. I found out this morning that my friend and co-fighter lost his battle with cancer last night. His words of encouragement were a big part of my own battle with cancer. Today is no doubt the worst day of his wife's life. I would ask those who believe to ask the good Lord to provide Larkin & the boys strength and comfort in the days ahead. He put up a 7 year fight that allowed him to be here for me when I was in need. Rest in peace my friend.

Sent by Mack from Atlanta | 9:04 AM ET | 08-06-2007

We all must believe in our hearts that it is not our fault that we got cancer. There is a theory that just "thinking" bad thoughts attracts bad things to you from a negative energy field. I will not accept that and agree with you that cancer is not a punsishment and although it is tiring and frustrating we need to keep pushing the boulder away.

Sent by Vicki (FL) | 9:14 AM ET | 08-06-2007

I'm with you all the way LeRoy! I've been dealing with this since 1998. Today I feel tired too. It was a really good day on Sunday and I probably pushed a little too hard, but it felt so darn good being with my husband doing things that needed to be done. Thank you for your writing. It sure helps! Especially on days like this.

Sent by Kay | 9:35 AM ET | 08-06-2007

I'm still with you in thoughts and prayers. My love goes out to you.

Sent by Lyn Banghart | 9:35 AM ET | 08-06-2007

Leroy I am praying that the cancer is tired and frustrated to.
I have learned its not a punishment..It just part of life. Although it seems like that proverbial elephant. Some how we get up every day and do what we have to do.
I don't think anyone does anything so wrong that God or a high power just gives us cancer. Just to punish us. I know I am not a bad person who deserved this.
As a long time survivor there are many lessons it. One thing I will not do is let it destroy my life or my hope.

Hang in there Leroy..take it a day at time. You can do this.

Take care of You.
Kerry

Sent by Kerry | 9:38 AM ET | 08-06-2007

Yes. Thanks again for expressing my thoughts so well.

Sent by Laurel M. Jones | 9:42 AM ET | 08-06-2007

Dear Leroy/All,

I think rolling that boulder up the hill each day was far easier by comparison! My husband and I feel as if we are trying to push a truck up a hill with a rope!

For fifteen months my husband has been on chemotherapy for pulmonary mets (from esohageal cancer) without a break and tolerated it cosiderably well. Then BAMM.... pneumonia....104 degree fever.....dehydration....the whole nine yards and downhill ever since.

He needs to take a month break from chemo to give his body a rest, despite the bad scan results. His immune system is shot. But, unfortunatately its a a catch 22 situation, damned if we do and damned if we don't!

I see this as the first step in a downward spiral. I hope my husband has the strength and courage to follow in your footsteps, not be a quitter. I too hope the cancer is "Getting tired and frustrated"

Keep giving us hope Leroy. Always in my prayers. Sasha

Sent by sasha | 9:43 AM ET | 08-06-2007

Today's entry, perhaps more than any other, reveals why the universe selected you, Leroy, to be our person.
When your entry opened, you sounded so uncharacteristically sad, every cell in my body snapped to attention. Uh oh! Leroy's in a bad place. But then, over the course of your ruminations, not only had you beaten back the beast, but you had put a smile on my face as well as, I trust, on your own.
Cancer had been magically transformed into the victim and we became the heroes. Battle weary? Yes! But we give the monster a run for ITS life every single day.
The ability to turn the tables on your grief is such an extraordinary gift that you model for us in each of your journal entries.
I thank you for your spirit and heart each and every day of our lives. Bless you! Anita Solomon

Sent by Anita Solomon | 9:53 AM ET | 08-06-2007

Leroy, keep your words coming. There is no judgment about cancer. It doesn't care who it afflicts; it is truly non-discriminatory (some genetics aside). And we have you pushing a pen (okay keys on the board) and creating a context, a healthy one, for people who would rather be doing something else than carrying cancer. Keep pushing back, always. Pat Z.

Sent by Pat Zalewski | 9:55 AM ET | 08-06-2007

Leroy, There are still people out there who believe that people get cancer due to their lifestyle. Due to all the negative ads about smoking and second hand smoke. I think it's time to lay off the smoking harassment. If everyone single person quit smoking in the entire world, cancer would still be attacking people. Look at the people who live in a smoke free environment, work in a smoke free environment, eat healthy, exercise, the whole nine yards and they still get cancer.

Sent by Ruth White | 10:06 AM ET | 08-06-2007

Good Morning Leroy

If I got what I deserved I could very well be dead by now >wicked grin Love and a hug,
Alycia
http://www.xanga.com/butshebites

Sent by Alycia Keating | 10:14 AM ET | 08-06-2007

It is so tiring. You are so right. I breathe a heavy sigh for us all. I can hear your exhaustion in your words even though you end the post on a positive note. You need a break. I don't know how you will get it but you need something now to give you a moment to breathe and regroup. I've been hearing this coming for quite a few posts now. Rightfully so.

My best to you and your lady.

Hugs,

Lori

Sent by Lori Levin | 10:21 AM ET | 08-06-2007

Hey Leroy,

What a perfect parallel. Your thoughts on us being the boulder is interesting. Perhaps cancer doesn't like what it is. Don't geet me wrong, I am by no means sympathizing with this ugly disease. But it reminds me of a book I read years ago, Grendel. It basically was the story of Beowulf as told through the eyes of the monster. Interesting perspective. It gave the idea that the monster was just tired of doing what it had been doing for eons. Just like cancer. There were times that I felt like Sisyphus, that's for sure. Even when in the "clear", it feels as though you are just waiting to wake up and see the boulder before you, waiting for you to start the push again.

Virtually everyone I know is involved in some aspect of it. Either as patient or caregiver, it's like a hail storm or avalanche of boulders all around. This disease is amazing to me. In its complexity and simplicity, both. Being either the boulder or Sisyphus, neither position is enviable.
Stay safe, stay strong,
Lance

Sent by Lance Carlson | 10:42 AM ET | 08-06-2007

It was odd that you used the analogy of
Sisyphus pushing the boulder up the hill. I used that analogy myself in the first couple of years after my double mastectomy/reconstruction, major complications, and subsequent other surgeries. It seemed that just as I was getting a bit better, feeling as though things were getting more managable, something else, another surgery usually would happen and knock the boulder back down the hill. That's what I referred to last week when talking about making it back from that hard time to a more normal life. I know how exhausted I was physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually at that time. I wish that on no one, and I have great empathy for those of my family here and anywhere in "Cancer World" who aren't getting a break from pushing that boulder.

Sent by Nancy K. Clark | 10:44 AM ET | 08-06-2007

Leroy, you are always in my thoughts although my life has kept me away from the keyboard recently. Somtimes we all need to be allowed to feel what we feel. You are fortunate to have this blog as an portal. You know, I almost said "outlet" but you must get back more than you put out. What a treasury you have created.

An aside for Ruth:

You are corect in saying not all cancers are smoking related, such as my cancer. But, smoking is the number one cause of preventable death. Period.

Sent by Teri Thomas | 11:15 AM ET | 08-06-2007

I keep thinking reading the replies. That we are all in this together pushing that boulder up and over the hill.
I never guess I liked the word victim. I didn't feel it applied to me. Cause I was so dam mad I was going to survive it.

I don't feel like a hero or brave..even ten years and three times later. I just feel like a every day person..fighting just like the rest of you.

The exhustion still creeps in at times and kicks me back and I am reminded though lucky..I still will always be a part of this community.

I hate boulders but I think whats worse that there are no boundries with cancer. It affects all ages all races and all of us.

But one thing I like here is due to Leroy, We are talking about it. We are all taking the old stigma and pushing it aside. Talking helps..and we are the teachers of the *Non Cancer World!* If we don't talk about no one learns a thing. Thats the value of this.

I know about Sisyphus used him once in my blog to. I have seen him used in other cancer forums as well. I get the jest of it to.

I love reading here lots of comfort in it..
Kerry

http://clubsammichcafe.spaces.live.com/

Sent by Kerry | 11:19 AM ET | 08-06-2007

I know the idea of reading a book right now may even make you feel more exhausted, yet I do suggest you read When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Rabbi Kushner if you haven't already. My oncologist suggested I read it and I am glad I did. No blame games in this book! Cancer occurs when an "accident" in cell division happens and things go berserk. It is an accident of nature and no one brings it on, or wills it. Sometimes no one can correct it, even God, as he (according to Kushner's thoughts) may just "allow" accidents to play out. Katrina did not try to kill New Orleans because the people in New Orleans were bad people. The hurricane was nature going amuck. Weather was uncontrollable and a disaster was the result. Well, then we get into how FEMA messed up....but Kushner does not deal with that sort of disaster.
Anyway, I think you would like the book. An added advantage is that it is short!
Susan P.

Sent by Susan P | 11:34 AM ET | 08-06-2007

You are a remarkable Man, Leroy. Your use of language to provide hope and still have wonder is remarkable. Thank you for the time you give to this blog and the hope your thoughts bring each day.

Sent by Sondra Daly | 11:34 AM ET | 08-06-2007

Hi Leroy & everyone,
Good post yet again! Leroy, you are like a fine wine and it just keeps gettin' better. While I've never had a fine wine, the expression fits. Wait, does Paul Masson count~lol. Nah, didn't think so....
Anyway, I have had some very emotionally positive weeks. Good stuff!! But, I slipped last night. Just wondering "why?" Not in a 'poor pitiful Pearl' way, just an analytical thought process, if you can understand that.

While I wouldn't dare to compare my CA to another disease/illness, I do sometimes, in all honesty, wish I had a more manageable diagnosis. Not one of those cancers with a higher mortality rate that was given to me as a gift?!

Afterall, I am in my prime (on the older end of the scale). I guess that sounds selfish - this is a place for me to be honest, right? But, dang, I am stuck here wondering, contemplating, pondering...why. I am surely not in the "well why not me?" stage.

What does help me is when I think of young children with CA and how robbed their lives and their families' lives are. That's when I feel real selfish.

Feel free if anyone wants to give me a cyberslap and get me out of the negative analytical hole...... :/

Be well everyone.

Sent by lisa | 11:35 AM ET | 08-06-2007

Just want to say thanks Leroy, that dang boulder gets really heavy sometimes(and yes, the boulder is the cancer)but having your voice express what we feel really helps. You sound down but I believe it is just human nature to keep going and find a bright spot. As another myth goes, HOPE was the last out of Pandoras box. Best to you always!

Sent by Jenene Koegel/AZ | 11:37 AM ET | 08-06-2007

I was laughing as I read this. If Sisyphus was like many of us, he probably was swearing a blue streak as he pushed that d*#m boulder up that dad-burn hill AGAIN!

Sent by Stephanie Dornbrook | 11:52 AM ET | 08-06-2007

Thanks Leroy, I needed that today! I've been feeling so worn down physically, and that always wears down my emotions too. Your reframing of the myth to the cancer being Sysiphus and you being the boulder made me smile. I applied it to myself, and it feels good thinking of myself as a boulder to be reckoned with!
It reminds me again of the John Mayer song that has been one of my anthems during my struggle - it says, "I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for."

Sent by Scarlett Harris | 11:54 AM ET | 08-06-2007

Leroy,

You clever fellow! Sisyphus is a longtime favorite of mine to illustrate trying to do something that doesn't work, but you turned it around like good writers do.

I understand your fatigue and admire your spirit, but maybe you need some "do nothing" time and more sleep? I'm serious. There is lots of research that says people need more sleep than they get and it does give you more energy.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 12:02 PM ET | 08-06-2007

I'm tired too. I'm so freaking tired of that boulder. Two weeks from today I go in for my next check-up. You know how often 90 days rolls around? My doctor tells me, "Don't focus on your cancer," yet I'm seeing her constantly. Kind of hard not to. And I haven't been feeling well lately, which is making me nervous about this one.

Anyway, all my best to you always. Take good care, everyone.

Sent by Lisa Lindstrom | 12:20 PM ET | 08-06-2007

Leroy,
I am a three year cancer survivor. One of your readers referred to her husband's cancer battle and said she hoped he'd keep up the fight and not be a quitter.
I would like to suggest that there is nothing wrong with laying down your weapons (keeping the "battle" theme going) and letting what is happening, happen. Not everyone is interested in buying a few more weeks or months. Sometimes, the medicine can make them feel worse than the cancer.
Death is a part of living. Certainly not the part we want to rush towards. But it can be the very relief our body and souls need. And, hopefully, it is the gateway to our next great adventure.

Sent by Mary Sebastiani | 12:23 PM ET | 08-06-2007

Leroy, I wonder sometimes if you are really so positive, or if you work on it for your readers. You are amazing either way. I'm off to Hawaii today. I'll have a Mai Tai in your honor. I'll be "celebrating" my one year anniversary of my mastectomy while I'm there, hopefully the end to a terrible year. Aloha!

Sent by Marcia | 12:45 PM ET | 08-06-2007

Statistically, 1 in 8 women get breast cancer and 1 in 6 men get prostate cancer. Now those are only 2 of the many, many forms of this terrible monster. When you think about all of the people you know, with those odds it's only a matter to time. WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!!!!!!

Sent by Suzanne | 12:51 PM ET | 08-06-2007

Dear Leroy,
There are days when the boulder is just a bit to heavy to push. I am so tired, but the only thing I know to do is to try, try, try to take one more step forward. This way I will not have a reason to harshly judge myself for not doing enough in this fight. At the end of the day I know I have done all I could do, even if what I have done seems so small to some. To those of us in Cancer World, a small step forward is a true VICTORY, and we should all be proud to know we are making every effort to FIGHT!!!!! I know of no fight that has been won in one BATTLE, but each battle counts in order to win
the WAR!!!

Love, Briana

Sent by briana | 1:09 PM ET | 08-06-2007

Leroy, You are so right, all you can do is keep pushing the boulder. None of us wants to give in to this beast, but it is a hard thing to do, fight, everyday. Cancer gives no quarter. If you take a break, it enjoys it's time off as well, can't have that. So we are left with the boulder, I will keep pushing mine as well. Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 1:36 PM ET | 08-06-2007

Very niiice post Briana! You wrote the words and feelings that have been stuck or lost somewhere deep inside me.
Ya see, that's what this blog is about.

Thank you again...take good care!!!!

Sent by lisa | 1:49 PM ET | 08-06-2007

To Mary,

I guess because I am the spouse/caregiver you think it may have been selfish on my part to wish for my husband to "Fight this battle" rather than be a quitter. At this point I don't know anymore. I have no answers. I don't know what's right or what's wrong. I am nearing the point of insanity. I am not a cancer patient, but I can tell you that the emotional pain transcends the physical pain. This wonderful human being came into my life during high school. I was all of 13 years old..............we are married 40 years. He is the father of my children . He is my soulmate. With all due respect, I rather go Leroy's route......"Fight the Beast" I am not ready to let go; I don't know how to let go!

Sent by sasha | 2:11 PM ET | 08-06-2007

Two years ago, before dianosis, I felt I was at the highest point in my life, mentally, physically and spiritually. Then cancer threw me this curve. And I never could hit a curve very well.
But it's certainly changed my perspective on living. Of course, I want to be around to know my grandchildren when they come along. But do I want to be around to experience alzheimer's and not even know my children, as my dad does? I've lived a wonderful life thus far and try to savour every new day.

Sent by Dale | 2:18 PM ET | 08-06-2007

Leroy,
Don't give up. i learn so much from reading what you have to share everyday. Cancer can happen to any of us and reading your blog also helps me prepare for my Hospice volunteer work. Please keep writing.

Sent by helen | 2:27 PM ET | 08-06-2007

Before I got cancer, I thought I knew what being tried was. Being physically tired is one thing, but being mentally tired is what wears me down. As you all know having cancer never leaves your mind.
I've only been pushing the boulder since Jan 07, but boy is it getting heavy! Coming here each day to read everyones post gives me hope,so I will keep pushing that big rock up that hill for a long time to come. Thank you Leroy and everyone here in my "cancer world" family. God bless you all!

Sent by David White | 2:28 PM ET | 08-06-2007

Sasha

At some point options run out and medication quits on people.

Sent by Irene | 2:37 PM ET | 08-06-2007

Hello Leroy,
My how we all think alike.
I used the metaphor of Sisyphus to describe my exhausting after the first 6 rounds of chemotherapy to my doctor. He replied, just think how tired the cancer cells are too.
I agree, the cancer cells are the bad guy Sisyphus and we are the rock that must wear him out or squash him to smithereens. Let's be that rock to all those cancer cells.
Rock on Leroy!

Susan

Sent by Susan M | 2:51 PM ET | 08-06-2007

Good Afternoon Leroy and All,

Leroy, your opening this AM made my heart stop. It didn't sound like you at all but you certainly turned things around at the end. Thank you!! Now I feel a heart beat again.

I think everyone touched in any way by cancer or for that manner any other potentially fatal disease, can relate to Sisyphus. It's a hard road and it's scary. And that boulder gets plenty heavy! I really liked the idea of us being the boulder and cancer being Sisyphus! Turning the tables on The Beast would be great!!

There are so many people dealing with cancer now, it is really overwhelming. North Carolina is now taking steps to organize a new cancer research center through the UNCC hospitals. And more research means more HOPE. There is also a new biomedical research campus under construction in Kannapolis, NC. So it's their jobs to find a cure and its up to us to keep The Beast at bay until they do. We CAN do this!!

To Mark from Atlanta,
Our prayers are with you and your friend's family.

To Sasha,
You and your husband are likewise in our prayers. And altho, you can't see us, we are there by your side.

To Alycia,
Your comment about your wicked grin brought a laugh. Wear it with pride!!

To Leroy and Everyone,
Love and HOPE. God Bless

Eileen Pruyne
Charlotte

Sent by Eileen Pruyne | 2:53 PM ET | 08-06-2007

Being tired from the chemo is one of the very hardest things to bear I believe , especially if you are a do-er who prides her/him self on accomplishments. I like to move, and move around, and move fast and get things done ! But because of the neuropathy in my feet and other stuff, I can't move fast or particularly well. So... I have to find new ways to "make myself proud," new goals, maybe realizing that today I'm just going to push a pebble not a boulder. Actually for me to let go of a sort of compulsive need to accomplish, and just sit and read a book or sit and write a poem or sit and "be" - is an accomplish. We are a society of do-ers so to be tired and push tiny pebbles is hard to adjust to and takes effort and practice. And there are somedays, especially when everyone around you is pushing boulders, when pushing up your little pebble just doesn't feel like enough. But we keep pushing because doing nothing is very scary !

Sent by Nancy O | 3:14 PM ET | 08-06-2007

I would suggest that it might be help to stop anthropomorphizing a disease. Cancer doesn't have a Mind; nor does it have a Theory of Mind. It's part of the natural cycle of birth, reproduction, and entropy of all living cells, whether they attack other cells to live or are part of a healthy, sustenance-providing body. Once you start thinking of your body as your "enemy" against whom you must battle, your body goes into "fight/flight" mode, in which superfluous amounts of adrenaline and other hormones wage "warfare" in what is not a war at all.

I would humbly suggest that you take a summer break from reporting on your cancer and go do something that has NOTHING to do with being diagnosed and treated for a disease. We will miss you and look forward to continuing the dialogue.

Surely, NPR will understand.

Damnit, Leroy, if you're tired, take a vacation, a REAL vacation.

Peace,

Sally

Sent by Sally Siegel | 3:34 PM ET | 08-06-2007

Dear Mack from Atlanta,

I live in the Atlanta area, as well, and felt as if you could very well be someone I have met along the way. The name Larkin sounds so familiar, and I am indeed saying many prayers, not only for he and his family but for you, for the loss of a good friend with whom you could confide your innermost thoughts, love, fears, joy, courage, strength and frustrations! I am sure you will miss him terribly, but I would like to offer you a thought I had while reading your post. Think of the gifts you brought to his life by spending time, giving comfort, love, support and a friendship you both treasured, and in the end, as much as I know you will miss him and the support he provided you, being there for each other is a special gift I know you will treasure, and he knew you were there for him and never alone in his fight. Now, I am sure you must feel a deep emptiness, but you are not alone again, even though you may feel it. I sincerely hope you will let us help you through your grief in this time of need for support through the loss of a good friend.

Love, Briana

Sent by briana | 4:39 PM ET | 08-06-2007

There are those that like to believe one gets what they "deserve", but seems to me, it almost never happens. "Good" people don't always get all their glorious due, and "bad" people don't always get their come-uppance. No way is cancer a punishment. One would have to explain why cancer strikes babies, children and animals - innocents - if this line of belief had validity. And what do those people in the grey of good and bad (that's all of us) get? Just a bad head cold?

Another thing seems to me, is the popular notion the one has control over these types of things is very prevalent and touted by the media (no offense, Leroy!) and society. You know, think positive! eat carrots! Think smart! Don't be dumb! It is bull. Some folks like to fool themselves with this, either by choice or the bliss of ignorance. There's always that person in the cubicle next to you who just KNOWS it's entirely their skill that makes thems so fortunate, instead of the luck of the draw. We all know them, and have heard their spoutings, that "you shoulda, woulda, coulda" mentality, if you just this you wouldn't have cancer, poverty, fill-in-the-blank. And if they remain lucky, they may continue to think that way!

The Sisyphus is a story I was told as child - I disliked if from the moment I heard it, even then, I thought it a ridiculous concept that did not match the idea of a loving higher being that I was also being taught. It seems even more sinister to me now; I was taught that story by other adults, because now, as an adult, anyone can see the boundary line of good and bad is a dotted one.

Definitely, Leroy, Sisyphus is the cancer,the boulder is the human spirit.

Be well.

Sent by Pika | 4:41 PM ET | 08-06-2007

I met serveral people today while I was waiting for a CAT scan for over 2 hours at NIH. One man has had stage 4 pancreatic cancer for 4 years and is doing well on the study drug. There were several other stage 4ers coming back for check ups that were off treatment and doing well. They kept pushing and it's paid off. I have a big push (transplant) coming up and some days I just want to quit. If I keep pushing maybe I can be the one coming back in two years inspiring others.

Somedays I can't bear to read you column and others I come back and catch up on everything I missed. We all have different ways of getting through this and if writing is your therapy we benefit too.

Sent by Jill | 5:30 PM ET | 08-06-2007

Hi, Leroy-
I think you've just answered the whole "word-smithing" debate of whether or not I want to be called a cancer survivor. I've never liked the term. To me it implies a weakness. I prefer to think of it the way you put it "I'm torturing this myth to death...I'm going to make it work to get me." You, through your blog, have symbolized the pillar of strength for me.

I should've been reading your blog the first year, but I wasn't. I just peaked around the edges. I didn't think I could handle it while I was undergoing my treatments, etc.

I should've been reading it. There has been so much that would've been helpful to me at the time. Today, I've found the answer I was looking for on titles. I struggle with being called a cancer survivor by some. Not the docs, mind you. They aren't going down that road for 9 more years. It's funny how the people around me desparately want to be done with feeling awkward - watching Sisyphus huff and puff - they rush to call me a survivor. I just smile and say, "I'm getting there." Now, maybe I can say, "Well, I make a really great boulder!"

Thanks, Leroy!
Kathy Bero

Sent by Kathy Bero | 9:05 PM ET | 08-06-2007

Dear Leroy,
I live in Minneapolis, so we've been talking a lot about grief management re: the collapse of the I35W bridge. Today on MPR the Rabbi who wrote "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" was interviewed and said something I felt was really helpful. He said God is not all powerful, "he" cannot control nature. Acts of nature are chance happenings--not vengence, not God "needing" someone in heaven now, not intentional. I can accept that randomness for the cause of the cancer that caught me. I hope it helps you, too. XO

Sent by Katie | 9:27 PM ET | 08-06-2007

To Sasha:
I am so sorry for what you must be going through. I understand how frightened you are. But maybe your husband needs to know that whatever decision he makes, it's ok with you. Ask him what he wants and then honor his wishes.
It's one of the greatest gifts of love you can give him.

Sent by Mary Sebastiani | 10:02 PM ET | 08-06-2007

Dear Larry, dear readers,

When I was a teen I lost my much older brother to cancer. "Only the good die young" went through my mind for months, maybe even years as it was often on the radio. I certainly thought cancer was a punishment, but back then I believed it had been bestowed upon the wrong person. I thought that since everyone was so distrought about my brother, and that I was being such a typical teenage girl (horrible to my mother, inappropriate behavior, etc.) that I deserved it more. Besides, in my Italian-American family the first born seemed to count more than 3rd born daughters. Dino was fun, gorgeous and everyone loved him. I was 15, spiteful and full of zits...

I read my brother's yearbook looking for answers. While he was clearly very popular with the girls, the only "bad" thing I could see was that he had parties at my grandmothers house where they smoked a lot of pot (he graduated in 1970). After that he went to college instead of Vietnam, held various jobs - even running a clothing store with Tommy Hilfiger - and ended up with the ultimate in cool: co-owning a Ferrari mechanic shop. His own father died when he was a young kid. Nothing added up to deserving cancer.

No one does (well maybe a few, select, evil people). And now I see that holds true for the families impacted by it.

And that boulder? I can't say that I have ever pushed it up the hill FOR someone else, but I can say I pushed it up the hill WITH other people. At the start of every day, when you see the boulder - remember the people who push it with you. Perhaps it will lighten your load.

I guess this will sound more than a little cliche, but pushing the boulder at 15 made me much stronger at 37. The experience of my brother, and subsequently my mother, having cancer has impacted every decision I have made for myself in my life. Both consciously and subconsciouly.

But I can certainly see why this makes you think of Sisyphus.

Hang in there!!!! All of us who hear you on NRP or read your blog are pushing with you.

Sent by Liz | 3:43 AM ET | 08-07-2007

I experienced "tired" as I've never experienced it thus far, this past week and a half. Low blood counts got to me. I was to receive a certain chemo drug but didn't get it due to those low counts and the fact I was exhausted. Even tho I've looked forward to a couple weeks without it, I'm afraid those cancer cells are having a "party" thinking they've won. I'm hoping the joke is on them. Dammit, I've things to do. I'm sure people need me.

My grandson, expected to be born next month needs me. He's already lost his grandpa and step grandmother to cancer (both in 2005). He needs me to survive to teach him things. I'm tired of crying. There are days I picture him growing and it seems I can hear out conversations. My positive thoughts give me strength, then something I'll read or a weak day or memory will having me crying again.

Doesn't this cancer know I'm a born cheerleader even though I was too fat in high school to try out for the team? Heck I'd have made a good songleader. Ha! As you can see, my thoughts are random and bouncing all over the place. LOL

Yep, Leroy, I'm tired too but have not fought the fight nearly as long as you have. I plan to though. OK? I'm wondering why I don't hear of what causes cancer more? If they find the cause, they can find the cure. I hear of and see signs of "I'm A Survivor". How about some that say, "I'm Living With Cancer!" I feel I'm not really a "survivor" unless I've got it beat. I believe in miracles and God. Also in prayer. For those with breast cancer, I found a good support group site online. It's: www.bcsupport.org
If you're going through chemo, there is a section on that site that says "chemo" and the people on there are wonderful and there's so much info on there by the questions asked and answered. We all need you Leroy, hang in there!

Sent by LindaW | 3:57 AM ET | 08-07-2007

Hello Leroy,
In one respect your day to day battle with cancer is quite absurd ie getting up each day knowing you are going to face the same struggle. However, once you accept the absurd side of human nature with its determination to carry on no matter what then you do, in esence, become stronger. So, keep it up, laugh in the face of absurdity as Sysyphus did,and then just as he triumphed over his punishment you will triumph over your cancer. Sending you energy.
Kind regards
Catherine

Sent by Catherine Ellen Herbert | 6:12 AM ET | 08-07-2007

Leroy and all,

I have been moving and I am very tired. To the bone tired!!

So I took a break to read some of the blogs. This seems to me a divine break through. I feel cancer as evil. No feeling, no soul, all consuming, all destroying. Something we try to push out of our bodies but that takes great strength of body and soul to do so. I still can understand its purpose in my life as a great teacher of how to to live in the moment.

But if I survive it will I forget my lesson?? I do not think that is part of the deal. Just because you pushed it up the hill and out of your body does not mean there are not other falling cancer rocks ready to crush you on the head.

My Dad said always look for falling rocks.....I always knew he meant cancer or any other disasterous thing.

I when I think about my cancer i think well, I could have cancer in Iraq and be dead by now or I could have a mental illness and never have caught the cancer or.....oh so many other worse things.

I am glad that if I had to have cancer I had it where I live especially if I were to die as so many places do not think of woman that is ill as worth anything. Here I know I am worth a lot to my friends and family and I will be thought of as a worthy person. For that I am grateful and even the cancer boulder crushed me in the end it does not matter as I was loved greatly and that is all that matters.

Take Care Leroy and everyone,
Carole

Sent by Carole Ehlers | 6:21 AM ET | 08-07-2007

Jill, I just want to say thanks for mentioning the (so far) success of the stage 4ers! I crave those stories as I am in that club myself. It gives me hope. I have my scan on Friday. Good luck to you (and to all)

Sent by Becky | 6:39 AM ET | 08-07-2007

Leroy,
I have been following your blog a few months. I was a newspaper editor
in
Ohio until I was struck down with glioblastoma, stage four brain cancer,
on
Dec. 1, 2002. They have me a year to live. I had to learn to walk, talk,

read and write all over again. My MRIs have been clear for more than a
year.
But I am still on disability.
I am 60,000 words into book about my cancer. In my book, I advise
everyone
to read Albert Camus' essay on "The Myth of Sisyphus." That will give
you a
much different perspective, even an heroic perspective, on Sisyphus.
Joseph Lampert

Sent by Joseph Lampert | 10:57 AM ET | 08-07-2007

For Sasha: I understand your feelings and your frustration but don't judge him too harshly! I went through this with a young friend, JoAnn. She had fought a long and arduous battle (about 6 years) with melanoma. She and her significant other decided to get married during this battle after their 10 year relationship. She and he were ecstatic after their marriage. The joy was short lived. The metastases came quickly. Numerous brain surgeries and gamma knife procedures could not stop the on-slaught.

Her spirit was gone. Her emotional energy which served her so well was expended. Resolution and acceptance took their places in her life. She died peacefully with her husband and family.

I talked with her mother at her wake. Her mother wanted so much for her to fight on and to continue to try to beat it. She was both so sad at her loss but also mad because her daughter chose to fight no more and to go peacefully because her time had come.

I understand both emotions - sadness and being mad. I chose not to judge too harshly because I was not yet walking in JoAnn's shoes.

I truly hope you can find solace and comfort as your husband walks the path he has chosen. Be there as you have been. Continue to provide the care and love. Perhaps the cancer has wreaked its havoc and stolen his spirit. Perhaps he is just too tired to fight any longer. One day we'll find ourselves in the place he is in now. As my friend JoAnn told her mother, "I'm so-o-o tired. I don't want to fight any longer. It is ok. I am at peace".

May you be at peace.....

Sent by Al Cato | 1:37 PM ET | 08-07-2007

I've been feeling the same way lately. I've been dealing with my progressing chronic lymphocytic leukemia for nine years now, and I am, too, getting tired of it. It's not bad when the disease is quiescent, but when it makes its presence known, it is physically and mentally demanding.

For one thing, I can't sleep well with the latest things going on in my life. Sometimes I think it would be better to have an acute leukemia, where you are very sick for a short period of time, and either cured or kick the bucket in months.

On the other hand, as you say, we are still alive. I'm suffering and in some pain, but I am still here.

Sent by Scott S. | 1:39 PM ET | 08-07-2007