Hi Leroy: Greetings from Tibet...whre blogging isn't allowed (so i'm surprised this showed up). I just wanted to say that you are a great friend to us all on this blog...but I do understand your urgency of wanting to be better friends--I hope you are doing okay and that your back is doing okay. Many warm thoughts as I try to acclimate to the alitutude. --Krupali

p.s. I just phoned home,and found out that I did indeed pass my boards!!! Thanks for all the well wishes and thoughts! Leroy--please have a beer for me... ;).

Sent by Krupali Tejura MD | 7:37 AM ET | 08-03-2007

I loved your post today. I've been trying to reach a college roommate to share that a friend died. However, I've been worried about the conversation because I haven't told her I have cancer. It is really hard with old friends that you don't see often but this is a person I shared all the angst of growing up in the 60's with how can I slip away without having this conversation?

The last few days have been very difficult for me. I am usually able to be so positive. It isn't really the unknown of the cancer so much as watching a reorganization at work that is changing the focus of something I have loved so much. I have never been one of the "why me" or focused on the "unfairness" of cancer but I must admit this week I do feel like, "hell cancer is enough why this?" I know many of you have much greater issues and I feel badly complaining about work issues when I should just be glad I can work but for the twelve years I have been with this agency every day I have come to work eager and excited about new challenges but that is no longer the case. This like cancer sucks.

Sent by Dona | 8:25 AM ET | 08-03-2007

Leroy
Your missive today brings to mind another post a few days ago by a reader...and this is what we all wish for!
"There is never enough time to do all the nothing we want to do."
From Calvin and Hobbes, the comic strip...

Sent by Patricia A | 8:26 AM ET | 08-03-2007

Great subject. As usual Leroy. I have found that after my cancer diagnosis I have really examined all of my friendships and time I spend with people in my life.

I have eliminated all of those friendships that are not healthy or not enjoyable. I have stopped meeting with friends just to 'keep up'. Those friends who stood near me during treatment, whether it was a card, email, meal, or phone call made all the difference in the world.

My time to me is worth more to me than anything. I feel that I can't spend it on everyone who wants it. I need to pick and choose who and what is important to me. Family and Friends first.

Maybe this realization is one of those darn 'gifts' that everyone says cancer gives you.

Sent by Janis (BC survivor) | 8:27 AM ET | 08-03-2007

Leroy - I can't imagine that you could become a better friend......you are such a wonderful friend to so many of us, with such a big heart......
I do understand what you mean that we could all keep our priorities in better focus (with or without cancer)! As I'm starting my "new normal" life after treatment, I find myself struggling to get back to "normal" and yet, live a new way where my first priority ALWAYS is my family, my friends - and the things that get pushed to the "back burner" are the things I "have" to do - work life, appointments, etc....it's really a challenge.
I keep thinking how we all live with the uncertainties of cancer - but then my mind drifts to the people who were driving home on the bridge in Minneapolis and were lost - all the things they had "left to do".......guess that life is just fragile period - we're just some of the ones who know that......so hopefully we can make great use of that information.
My day was great that day, as I received a text message from our beautiful 20 year old daughter at the Univ of MN that said "Mom, I'm ok" - before I even knew of the accident - but it certainly made me realize that as my family and I've been worrying about me and cancer over the last few months - she travels that bridge daily and things could have been much different.
Guess I'm just trying to say, that I understand your point Leroy - it's all sweet (times with good friends, family, good meals, books, and of course wine ha ha) and we all need to make time for the sweeter stuff and focus less on the rest......
Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend full of sweet moments and peace.....

Sent by Ruth Chermok | 8:27 AM ET | 08-03-2007

Friends are a precious commodity. Each one needs tending, not every day or week or month but periodically. Left untended, the friendship will often wither away. I am blessed with a circle of friends. We stay in touch as we feel the need, no schedule.

Since cancer entered my life, my circle of friends has expanded to include those I've met who are in the fight. We all work hard to remain in contact with lunches, emails, telephone calls, etc. because we know how quickly the cancerworld changes from being ok to being not-so-ok. Our friendships seem more intense and more urgent because we know how tenuous the thread of life is. Perhaps we should all look at all of our friendships this way because the tenuousness of the thread of life is the same even without cancer.

Leroy, you are the best friend this community of bloggers could have! You have united us, given us a reason to come here each day for your prose...your feelings, observations. Most of all, you give voice to us and speak for and with us and with your listening ear and tender heart, you let us express our deepest secrets, feelings and fears. What a friend you are!!!

Blessings and prayers.

Sent by Al Cato | 8:30 AM ET | 08-03-2007

Good morning Leroy and everyone,
I'm with ya Leroy on working on how to be a better friend. I am blessed by how many friends have supported me through this ordeal. Of course, there are those who have backed off, so to speak. Not totally sure why. Are they scared, uncomfortable, or just busy? Or, maybe they just never did like me - lol.

Anyway, please know what a good friend you are to allllllll on this blog, as is everyone who reads and posts here. It is a different friendship, of course, because none of us have met. But, a good friendship has compassion, understanding, and support. I think we all offer that here.
Keep on being the good friend you are by masterfully writing your blog and providing readers with the support of 'someone who has been there and back.'

Sent by lisa | 8:32 AM ET | 08-03-2007

Dear Leroy, As always an excellent commentary. I think about friends a lot. Some can't deal with my cancer so don't talk to me at all. Others are supportive and then there are new friends who I have met along the way who have become more valuable to me because the understand and support me. My own sister because of her cancer is less of a support now that my cancer has worsened. And like you family or friends who I haven't seen for a while are making the effort to come and see me. What they expect I don't know but at least their conscience will be clear. So far I look ok too and really wouldn't want them to see me not looking sickly and ugly. The elephant of cancer does come between us and others though.

Sent by Vicki (FL) | 8:44 AM ET | 08-03-2007

Leroy:
My husband's best friend played a song at his funeral called "My Old Friend" by Tim McGraw. It fits perfectly with your blog today. I hope my many friends here look it up. It's worth the play.

My Old Friend
(Craig Wiseman/Steve McEwan)

My old friend, I recall
The times we had hanging on my wall
I wouldn't trade them for gold
Cause they laugh and they cry me
Somehow sanctify me
Their woven in the stories I have told
And tell again

My old friend, I apologize
For the years that have passed
Since the last time you and I
Dusted off those memories
But the running and the races
The people and the places
There's always somewhere else I had to be
Time gets slim, my old friend

Don't know why, don't know why
Don't know why, don't know why

My old friend, this song's for you
Cause a few a few simple verses
Was the least that I could do
To tell the world that you were here
Cause the love and the laughter
Will live long after
All of the sadness and the tears
We'll meet again, my old friend

Goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye

My old friend, my old friend
Goodbye, goodbye

Sent by Nikki | 9:29 AM ET | 08-03-2007

So, I want to know how you got into my head :)

I've been rolling similar thoughts around and around in my head these past few days. I have cancer, and some of my family and friends would rather pretend I either a) don't, or b) don't exist. My Mom still has Alzheimer's and we don't know what to do; my 19 yr old son (which sometimes is a disability in and of itself :) is bi-polar and now is being tested for epilepsy--if he ever gets it together enough to make it to the tests; we are always short on money; neither my husband or I can get life insurance; our mortgage payment is too high for both of us--what's going to happen if I'm gone?; and I want to be having fun--with my family, with my friends, and, as selfish as it sounds, all by myself.

But, just like before cancer, I don't seem to be making the time I should; I duck into my work when other things aren't going they way I want them to.

Thank you, Leroy, for every day reminding me that I'm not alone in my thoughts and feelings.

Wendy

Sent by Wendy Murphey | 9:38 AM ET | 08-03-2007

I have had similar experiences with my two remaining brothers making an effort to be in touch with me like they never have in the past 30 years. Instead of wanting to be a better sister to them, I find myself resentful. It feels like they are trying to soothe their consciences more than to be good brothers.

When my mother died, I made a concerted effort to stay in touch with my brothers and maintain a sense of family. When financial straits made that difficult for me (remember the 80's?), I backed off and they didn't even notice. I started to put a lot less effort into those relationships. Now it seems a bit half-hearted on their part.

I suppose that it would be better for my mental health to let go of old grudges and just accept what is now coming my way, but I am having trouble trusting their motives or even them.

Sorry to be so grouchy, but I am not feeling all lightness and happy today. Sore subject.

Then there is my girlhood friend I haven't seen or heard from in 33 years. Do I call and say, "Hi, Winnie. I know you haven't heard from me in 33 years; I just wanted to call and let you know I have pancreatic cancer." I think not.

Sent by Stephanie Dornbrook | 9:43 AM ET | 08-03-2007

I just don't know what to say. We spent last weekend with a friend whose 14 year old daughter is fighting rhabdomyosarcoma. We had a great time. Now, a week later, she is slipping away. What a difference a mere week can make. The sad thing is that her friends have all but deserted her. They think that praying for her and checking her caringbridge page is being her friend. It is going to be a hard lesson for them to learn when she is gone, that friendship is to be treasured.

Sent by Nancy Kelly | 9:49 AM ET | 08-03-2007

I think we've all had that happen in some way. Now that I no longer have cancer, nobody's around, but I'm left with the big elephant in the room always. Is it coming back? When will it come back? Where will it come back? I try not to think about it, but it's hard to do. I have a few friends online now that understand, but it sure would be nice if my "touchable" friends understood. Every new ache makes me wonder if IT's back. No - I just have a frozen shoulder - this time. Always something else to work through. The remnants of depression always sink in at night when everything's quiet. I think of "The Rose"..."where did everybody go?"

Sent by Tammy | 9:57 AM ET | 08-03-2007

I guess what we don't realize is that the elephant is always in the room. Our time is limited -- sometimes that is more clearly defined than others -- there is never enough of it. Friendship is not limited and a great friendship has an energy that is always with you. Visit as time and life allows, and know that each visit is worth everything.

Sent by Elaine Barnes | 9:59 AM ET | 08-03-2007

Crisis always separates the wheat from the chaff. Only when your life is on the line, do you discover who your true friends are. For that alone, you can be grateful to your cancer for illuminating who truly loves you and cares about your well-being from those who only say they do.

On another note, why are you adding the guilt of not being a good friend? Damnit, Leroy, the past is just neurons doing their electric dance in your brain. You don't need to clean the basement or the attic. Ignore them and they will vanish. Of course, I mean your symbolic basement and attic, your past, your future. Be in the moment; it's the only truth we have, whether we experience cancer or not.

Peace. Sally (I don't pray to anybody or anything; I meditate and stay focused on beauty and love.)

Sent by Sally Siegel | 10:34 AM ET | 08-03-2007

As John Lennon once said:"Life is what's happening while you are busy with other things".

Sent by Andrew | 10:42 AM ET | 08-03-2007

Ok Leroy. So by the responses you are getting it appears this reaction is pretty common for cancer folk. We are finding the same to be true in our house. As our son is only 25 we have been through the typical child wanting to become independent of the parents syndrome prior to the diagnosis and now that we are in cancerworld we can't remember what all of the fuss was about. We all have said it is too bad that it had to take cancer to make us closer. But we truly are thankful for the opportunity to become a better family for each other. Some families don't get that opportunity. We still don't know what the future will hold for him as most cancer patients. Last week he was really weak and short of breath and in a lot of pain. He was in the hospital from Monday through Thursday and the doctor told us on Thursday that the chemo was working slowly but not keeping up with the growth of the cancer and that maybe we needed to discuss if we should keep going with treatment. Yuk. So we took him home Thursday night. The next day the treatment center called to say the culture they had taken from his lung during the bronchoscopy on Wednesday showed a fungal infection in his lung and that is was life threatening and to get him back to the hospital right away. So we did. He is finally getting out today but as a much stronger person than he was last week. So after the antibiotics are finished in 2 weeks he may be going back on chemo!!! Talk about a roller coaster. One day at a time is about all we can handle anymore and sleep is never enough.

But back to the point of your blog. Life is more precious to us than ever and we are spending more time with family and friends that are important to us and not wasting time on stuff we really don't want to do.

So thanks again for a beautiful message. God works in mysterious ways but we can always look back and say now I see why that happened. He will lead us down a straight path if we ask him to.

Take care Leroy and keep moving forward.

Sincerely,

Judy

Sent by Judy Voller | 10:57 AM ET | 08-03-2007

Dear Nikki,

As a spouse/caregiver I know what you had to endure. I am so very sorry for your loss. My prayers to you and your family. Sasha

Sent by sasha | 11:05 AM ET | 08-03-2007

Last May (2006) a friend of 30+ years took a week of her 2 week vacation and came to visit me - she told me she was coming (from CA to NY) and was spending a week with me - at first I felt a bit resentful. We've been close and yet she isn't real good at keeping in touch through the years, but I just decided to let go of those feelings and we had such a good visit - I'm now trying to decide if I want to make the trip from NY to CA and go visit her this fall. At the time of her visit to me, we weren't sure I'd still be here at this present date! But her visit last spring gave us even deeper bonds and cemented our friendship in a new and deeper way.
I struggle more with the friends who were always there in the good times but now avoid me.

And a bit off topic but relates to other days when some of you talk about taking the time to just relax - I've been doing alot of that - mostly
because I don't have the physical stamina to do alot else, but I've discovered two "new" authors and for those who enjoy fiction, I
highly recommend Anita Shreve and Elizabeth Berg. The only thing I'm dreading is when I've read everything they've both written.
Shreve is awesome!

Sent by Vicky(NY) | 11:07 AM ET | 08-03-2007

Krupali, Congratulations! We all knew you would pass and so glad you did. Your trip is wonderful and it's fun traveling with you. You will be a wonderful, kind, caring doctor and we'll envy your patients.

Nikki, so sorry about Burge. . . that was a nice song for his funeral. I'm glad you're staying on as a part of this "family".

Happy Weekend!
~ Margo Gerber

Sent by Margo Gerber | 11:17 AM ET | 08-03-2007

In my opinion, it's NOT too bad that it took cancer to make you closer to your loved ones. Rather, I think you should be grateful that you have come to the realization. If it weren't for cancer, then none of us would gained the appreciation for what it means to be human. Indeed, if it weren't for cancer, I, along with many other people, never would have been able to see that we ALL are beautifully, perfectly flawed.

Sent by Michael McGalin | 11:17 AM ET | 08-03-2007

Dear Leroy,

I once read that a friend is a person who reaches for your hand and touches your heart...........and you are that special person.

Always in my prayers. Sasha

Sent by sasha | 11:21 AM ET | 08-03-2007

Hi Leroy/all,

Leroy, you are right! There are no excuses. Because of your blog today it made me rethink if I am being a good friend. I think there is always room for improvement. Some of my friends say "I don't want to bother you because you have enough on your plate having cancer". And that is actually what DOES bother me, the fact that they don't think they can talk to me about their problems just because I have cancer. When I find out about something that has happened tragic in the life of a friend, I'll call and ask if there is anything I can do, and ask why they didn't tell me, and that is the response I get. I say, although I have cancer, I don't wake up every morning and say "woe is me... I have cancer" and curl up in a fetal position. I actually try NOT to think about it and try to live as normal as possible.

So, Leroy... looks like I'm going to be the one seeking my friends out, and to be a better friend I'll have to show them they don't have to "step on eggshells" around me. Thanks for the words of wisdom.

Carpe' Diem,
Shirl Dolitz

Sent by Shirley Dolitz | 11:21 AM ET | 08-03-2007

The emotional realities you describe hit home with me, but instead of saying "it's a shame that the cancer made us better friends, or at least made us work a little harder to stay friends," I came away from my own experiences with cancer and friendship -- and from your account of your own -- with the clear sense of "what a GIFT that cancer caused us to renew and deepen this friendship!"

Sent by Sarah | 11:33 AM ET | 08-03-2007

Leroy,

Personally, I think it is just fine to make an extra effort when you know a friend is in trouble.

People do get busy with their lives and yet, will drop everything to come to a friend's assistance when that friend is sick or in crisis.

Sometimes that is a function of maturity and rearranged priorities. I have a good friend who was appointed dept chair at a local university. She is going into her second year and remarked recently that people are more important to her than her job.

Amen.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 11:35 AM ET | 08-03-2007

Leroy,
I am happy that you saw your old friend. I don't have a very big family and for reasons beyond my control I am not really close to them. So friends are very important to me. I have a circle of about a dozen friends that have known each other since grammar school.
I have known my best friend since we were in first grade in 1946. We don't see each other as often as we would like but it is as someone said, when we do see each other the conversation picks up where we left off. The good news is that she is back in California and only 70 miles away. E-mail has kept us closer even when we were hundreds of miles apart.
I have been blessed that my friends did not back off when I was diagnosed again (for the fifth time). My new quilting friends, who I have only known for a few years, made me a beautiful "chemo" quilt. Chemo is over but I still use it for my naps.
My daughter was not as fortunate when she was diagnosed this year. People she thought would support her just disappeared into the mist. But she is younger and people her age are much busier than my friends who are mostly retired now. She has been blessed that people her husband work with have sent meals and gift certificates for maid services.
I don't think bad things about people who vanish. I don't know what is going on in their lives and some people are just not equipped to deal with "this stuff". The best thing is to let your expectations go and be thankful for what you do have.
I can't imagine you not being a good friend to anyone! You have certainly been our friend in giving us your beautiful thoughts and words every day.
I agree with the person who said to get rid of the guilt. All any of us can do is the best we can at any given moment. In getting to know you in the past and present through this blog, I think you have given more than your best your whole life.
God bless you.
Charlotte in Temecula

Sent by Charlotte Kewish | 11:36 AM ET | 08-03-2007

Leroy that is a great lesson for us all. With or w/o cancer. It made me call a friend I haven't talked to in awhile. Thanks for the reminder.

Sent by DiAnn | 11:54 AM ET | 08-03-2007

I have made a decision that I will cherish my close family and friends and spend my energy and time with them. I have been blessed through my journey to be supported by so many. I only lost one friend over the last 18 months, but I came to realize that I did not so much lose a friend as purge a rather toxic relationship from my life. I may not have the luxury of years ahead, but I am so proud to have lived a life filled with the love of a wonderful husband & daughter and so many friends who are my chosen family. I am only 41, I always pictured a life lived into my 80's. My reality is stage 4 cancer of an unknown primary. I have not given up, I am a person, not a statistic. Will I live many years? Probably not. Will I live my life to the fullest? Absolutely!

Sent by Martie | 12:12 PM ET | 08-03-2007

Aaah..there's so much in today's comments that's heartbreaking, and so much wisdom, too. (Wendy, I can identify; we both have cancer and bipolar children and parents with Alzheimer's and money concerns, etc. Like you, I worry about how things will go without me and I, too, just want to have some fun!)

The elephant in the room does affect many relationships, especially the ones with people I really care about but only see rarely. I try to live a "normal" life and don't look sick, so most people think the cancer is history now, as I haven't told many the whole story. But a dear relative who lives far away is coming to visit soon, someone I only see once or twice a year. Last time he came, I tried for a lighthearted, casual goodbye, only there was a huge lump in my throat and I sobbed as soon as he drove away. This time, I may try to be a little more honest about my feelings. But is that a good idea? I don't know.

I only had one friend who disappeared from my life after the diagnosis, and that still puzzles me because it seems so out of character for her. There were a few old friends who got back in contact when I got cancer and have stayed in touch. I think it was as much my fault as theirs that our friendship had become a low priority. In fact, I've learned of a couple of cases where they had gone through great difficulties that I never even knew about. So -- I want to be a better friend to them from now on.

Sent by Doris | 12:16 PM ET | 08-03-2007

Oh gosh..."at least you knew it was coming...at least you had a chance to say goodbye". How much of a blessing is this? It's too bad we can't maintain our normal relationships, complete with the stomping out of the house because he left his socks on the coffee table...again. Including the "I was wanting to get together but I've been so busy".

I do believe (very firmly) in living life's moments to the fullest but I hate the guilt and agony that is included with the long warning.

I want to live a "normal" life so desparately. I want the everyday stuff that comes from living like there is a tomorrow but happily accept the appreciation of today. It just makes the "everyday stuff" that much sweeter.

It's OK to have arguments, disagreements and even priorities that get in the way. Sometimes you really do have to get the dishes done before you can go play. That is life. That is the stuff normal is made of.

Sent by Karen D. | 12:35 PM ET | 08-03-2007

To Bruce,

I just wanted to say that I think you are an exceptional human being. You are so kind and thoughtful to take the time to continue to give us your support. I know it has only been a short while since your loss, but I hope that each day brings you a little more comfort. Thank you for being the person you are. I truy admire you.

Sent by sasha | 12:43 PM ET | 08-03-2007

Leroy, I find it curious, the things cancer makes you think about. Like not staying in touch, so much, with your friend from school. I have actually tried harder to keep everyone close since the diagnosis. I don't know why exactly, fear, I guess, has something to do with it. Of course, there are those who don't want to hang around , and it makes you wonder, why did you try to keep up the friendship all those years? I propose, those who are still here or are trying harder to stay in touch are the real friends, and they were all along. Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 1:02 PM ET | 08-03-2007

Leroy/All
I understand what your saying about how friendships change when the monster comes into your life. Your life changes and sometimes it is hard for friends to express how they are feeling, it is easier for them to stay away. I believe they don't do it to hurt us. They just don't know what to say. We just need to except people for who they are. That is one of the hardest things for us to do. When are friends want to get together and we have to think is it a chemo weekend? Most people don't have to do that they can just make the plans. But I do believe because of cancer we now know how much people care for us and how important it is for us to get together.

Stephanie, I understand how you feel about your brothers. I think you should try not to worry why they are doing it just be happy they care enought no matter if they are doing it for themselves or you. The fact that they are being there means they care. Maybe if just took them longer to understand what family means. You may have understood it when your mom passed but it may have taking them longer. I sometimes have a bad habit of doing that myself, I expect people to act the way I do, and get hurt when they don't. We need to understand people are different and it sometimes takes them longer to get what is important in life. I tell my husband all the time to let people know how your feel. Don't take it for granted that they know how much you care for them. Sometimes it is harder for a man to express their feelings. So please don't worry why they are doing it just know they love you and want to be there for you.
Aurella

Sent by Aurella Rocchi | 1:04 PM ET | 08-03-2007

Thank you for today's post. No matter what's happening in our lives, it's so easy to "let life get in the way." After reading your post I emailed a couple of friends I havent'seen for a while to say hello and make plans to get together.

What excuse do I have except "I'm busy"? But aren't we all? Thank for you prompting me to try a little harder to be a friend.

Sent by Bonnie | 1:07 PM ET | 08-03-2007

Hey Leroy,

Your topics are always poignant. It seems as this community seems to have a collective mind. It seems as if we all wrestle with those thoughts. I, unfortunately, have slipped into the work first attitude ala pre-cancer. I find it more upsetting than before, since I realize that it really means little in the greater scheme of things.

I should take care of myself first. Easier said than done. I don't mean that to become more self-centered and ego-centric, but I think it is important to move yourself to the top of the list. Staying and touch and making concerted efforts to stay in touch is great, just make sure it is because you want to and not because you think it is necessary. I think the biggest thing we need to leave behind, and me especially, is guilt. It works both ways. If they are truly good friends, they understand.
Stay safe, stay strong,
Lance

Sent by Lance Carlson | 1:11 PM ET | 08-03-2007

Funny you should write about this today because it's something I'm really struggling with on several levels right now. I feel like I've been a horrible friend to those that were closest to me before I was diagnosed with HPS (Hermansky-Pudlak Syndrome). There are lots of reasons, some of them even good reasons, but they're still bad excuses. I'm not involved in as many things as I used to be because I just don't have the energy. I don't have the going-out-to-dinner budget I used to have thanks to medical bills. Out of sight, out of mind. Having such an ultra rare disorder means that I don't just participate in my drug trial - I help recruit for it, do outreach etc. There's no huge community to help with fundraising, diagnosing, etc. That takes a huge chunck of time - the time I used to spend with my friends.

A week ago I traded e-mails with one of my old professors from J-school. She was telling me about some upcoming alumni events in my area. She wanted to know what I'd been doing for the last five years. To be honest, as far as my career goes, I haven't been doing much. As far as HPS goes, I've been doing a lot. I have a lot that I'm proud of in that area, but how do you explain it to someone that hasn't seen you in years and doesn't know about your diagnosis? I feel funny somehow about dropping the HPS bomb, even though I'm completely open about my HPS. I dread the idea of going to an alumni event.

Sent by Heather Kirkwood | 1:17 PM ET | 08-03-2007

Nancy,

Miles Levin has a carepage and he is also dealing with rhabdomyosarcoma. I don't know if you or your friends know of his struggle but he is truly a brilliant 18 year old and it might be worth looking him up. He has given me strength on many days I didn't think I could fight any longer. He is also, possibly, in the last days of his life.

Nikki, I am truly sorry for your loss of Burge. I am keeping you and your boys in my heart during this heart wrenching time. That song was beautiful.

I wanted to just send my love to everyone. Remember if you find yourself lonely or if it feels like your friends are miles away remember that you can always come here where we will all hold your hand.

Sent by Laurie | 1:31 PM ET | 08-03-2007

A second lesson can be taken from the John Lennon quote given by Andrew. Death also happens while we're making other plans. Lennon never took the opportunity to reconcile with his eldest son before his life was cut short. The time to appreciate those closest to us and heal wounded relationships is now. None of us, not even those in the best of health, know if later is an option.

Sent by Louis | 2:06 PM ET | 08-03-2007

Leroy, I started reading your blog when one of my best friends was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in January. I wanted to learn more about what she might be going through. She died six weeks ago. I am still reading your blog, not only because I like your writing and your willingness to share your experiences, but because your blog has helped me understand what it means to live with cancer. Mostly I want to keep reading to let you know how many friends you have throughout the world, thinking of you, learning from you, and hopefully giving you strength. Thanks for writing your blog.

Sent by Linda Benson | 2:20 PM ET | 08-03-2007

My New Year's resolution for the past two years has been to "be a better friend". Obviously, it didn't work to my expectations the first year.
Just remembering birthdays is a feat for me... baby steps.
Good Luck!

Sent by Wende | 2:32 PM ET | 08-03-2007

Hi, Leroy - and All!
Great reflections, as usual. The question of friendships hs been front and center since my diagnosis a year ago. I am incredibly blessed to have a loving family and friends that I have encountered over the years who have been-to a person - supportive and present. Those with whom I had lost touch have re-entered my life with a renewed fervor. I've never gotten the sense of any elephant in the room - or whether their renewed interest is solely based on my cancer. It's a gift I celebrate without reservation or self-consciousness: we've reminisced, laughed about old adventures and hijinks and have never felt awkward. I know this isn't everyone's experience - although I wish it were! I guess my wish is: however you connect, reconnect with friends, celebrate the moments you are given - our jouney will be the richer for it!

Sent by Alan Beauregard | 3:18 PM ET | 08-03-2007

After I was diagnosed I felt I had to be doing something creative or constructive every waking moment. It took awhile to realize that being still can lead to being creative or constructive. Being in the moment is so important. When I jog I tell myself to enjoy it as if it were the last time. I savor it and appreciate the ability to do these things I love so much.

Sent by Dale | 5:18 PM ET | 08-03-2007

Dear Leroy and Friends,
8**Nikki, I am thinking of you and can only offer you my prayers and deepest condolences. It happened so quickly, it seemed, from the time he came home, but I know it has been a long, hard fight for both of you and for your family. I am grateful he found some measure of pain relief, and I hope his last days were more comfortable physically and you can take some solace in believing his time was filled with many moments of quality with those he loved most. I know there is nothing I can say to take your pain away or even lessen it, but I hope you will continue to join us and keep us up to date on how you are doing and your children, as well.

At a time like this, no words are enough to ease your sorrow, but to say nothing is worse. Please know I care for you, and am hoping the time will soon come when you are able to feel more peace, and we will never forget Burge and his valiant fight....and now he can rest. I struggle for any words to help, and feel the reality there are none that can come close to adequate.
Just know you remain among friends here, and we will be here for you now and forever. My heart is with you and will remain.

Love, Briana

Sent by briana | 7:04 PM ET | 08-03-2007

Leroy: We are praying for you. You have helped so many people. I want to send my good wishes for Vicki, who is walking with you and helping herself. Lee

Sent by Lee | 7:19 PM ET | 08-03-2007

Dear Leroy,
This has become a time of knowing some of the more harsh truths of life, when we find out who really cares for us and so painfully, discovering some of us are much more alone than we had believed we were. I have always tried to approach friendships by trying my best to recognize what I could BRING to the relationship, not so much what was in it for me. No, I do not view it as if I have ascended to sainthood by any means, but I have tried to be more selfless and think of the needs of others. I have spent so many years doing all I could to help people, to try to see them in a deeper way than just the superficial front we sometimes exhibit. Through my experiences, I have been able to see further, at times, into the souls of those in need and responded in whatever way I could to help lessen their pain. Now, I find myself in the most lonely place I have ever been or experienced, and literally ache for an ounce of reciprocity, from family and especially those with whom I believed I had a spiritual connection. I have learned some of the harshest of lessons in that respect. I do not regret giving of myself, and I would do it again for anyone I felt I could help,
but this topic not only saddens me, but brings out the deepest ANGER I have felt
in my entire life. I want to know why I now find myself so alone and fearful, and where are those so-called "friends" when I need them most.

Perhaps I am wrong to feel so bitter, but when the phone stoppped ringing after my diagnosis and surgery and even my family did not show signs they cared enough to take the time to pick up the phone or a pen and talk to me, I have discovered the real meaning of pain, fear and abandonment. I understand there
are those who do not know what to say when a person is diagnosed with CANCER, and I believe it is mostly out of their fear for their own mortality, but it is not a good excuse to turn away from someone who has been by their side in hard times and then be left to wonder what I have done wrong to deserve this kind of cruelty. I hate it, I hate this disease, and everything it has taken from all of us. But mostly I hate the
inability to begin to understand why some of us are left to fight alone, and others are so blessed to be surrounded, even at times smothered, by true friends
and family, honoring their commitments to stand by them through thick and thin.
Please do not misunderstand and believe I am not happy for all of you with such love and sincerity in your lives, and I hope you are aware of what a gift you have been given to enjoy the comfort of knowing the depth of the love they feel for you. There are, unfortunately, some of us who are painfully left to wonder why CANCER not only kills people, but the mistaken belief of a sense of commitment from those relationships we believed we could count on, especially when the shoe is on the other foot.
THIS HURTS, AND IT HURTS BAD!!! I just do not understand, through all my efforts to be a friend, where I must have gone wrong. I am glad to have this board to come and vent this, and to let those who expressed their sad loneliness in earlier posts that they are not alone.

Love, Briana

Sent by briana | 8:17 PM ET | 08-03-2007

So many thanks to all who have acknowledged Burge's death. You are wonderful people.

Today has been pretty hard. I feel a little lost in what I should be doing...it's been three years since I became "caregiver" and now my job has suddenly ended. The worst part is when things become "forever". ie. He won't need these clothes ever again; we won't be able to go there together ever again; I won't need to buy so much food ever again; etc. I took time off when Burge was sick, at his request, but after the break, he was always there and glad to have me back. Now the break is never ending and it's hard to change routines.

I hadn't unpacked our suitcase since we came home two weeks ago but I had to do it today. It felt like he has been gone a month, not just a week tonight. That was such a terrible few hours I could never ask him to endure it again just because I miss him.

I have great support from my family, especially Burge's and lots of friends, so I know I'll be OK. My heart goes out to all of you who are still "on the road". You are the ones fighting the big battle and for that, I send my love. Forget how long it has been since your friends called or came by and invite them in as if it were only yesterday. It isn't worth analyzing their motive. If it is guilt, then that's their problem. Forgive them and get on with loving the time they do spend with you. You will enrich their lives more than they do yours.

Nikki

Sent by Nikki | 8:41 PM ET | 08-03-2007

Think of all the people you have touched, the lives you have helped to change...I cannot think of a better way to describe a friend. Not everyone can be a friend, only those that touch our hearts. I see alot of people on this blog touching the lives of others as well. I think just about everyone has said pretty much the same thing today. Life keeps us busy, it is up to us to make the choices.

Sent by Laurie H. | 11:51 PM ET | 08-03-2007

I don't know...I used to sit around think/wonder if I would ever get back "there"...but then I realized I am there...in heart & mind & spirit..the only thing missing is my body ...& frankly I would just loose more weight..so I have everything that there was the most importnant part of being there I have "them."(heart& mind & spirit & soul)...and they have me.

Sent by Cherie Brown | 7:24 AM ET | 08-04-2007

Nikki

I remember posting after Terry died that I was trying not to be at home in the evenings because I suddenly had all this free time and no idea what to do with it. I know exactly where you are right now. Give it time, don't pressure yourself, it will work out.

Something that I found very helpful was to immediately start going through every single thing in the house and deciding what to keep. Then, a few weeks later, I'd go through the "keep" and wonder why I kept it, so out it went. I did this over several months and I'm still doing it. I have no clue why it helps, but it's helped me to move on. That doesn't mean I want to move on and forget Terry, I never will...but I know I'm still alive, and while there's breath in my body I want to make it count. Terry was an amazing, stunning, shocking, vibrant, aggravating chapter in my life that has come to an end, and I have to go on.

And you'll be surprised when and where the grief hits. I find myself still getting weepy at work sometimes for no real reason other than a certain song is playing, or a memory suddenly flashes through. It happens. Let it. I believe it's part of the process.

Hugs

Sent by Bruce | 10:50 AM ET | 08-04-2007

Your words are so true to each of us. I too had a visit from my very best friend during those teen years and after. She came out to visit and we honestly haven't seen each other for 10 years; not to spend one on one time with each other and we talked for 4 days straight!! Wonderful time. Now we are better at keeping in touch with each other and it's just wonderful.

Sent by Pat Beach | 11:15 AM ET | 08-04-2007

Briana: If I could cross the miles, I'd come sit with you. No one should be alone at a time like this.

Nikki

Sent by Nikki | 2:18 PM ET | 08-04-2007

Dear Bruce,
Sasha could not have expressed more beautifully how so many feel about you and your presence on this board. Even through your most difficult experiences and painful times, you have been here to share your wisdom and strength, love and compassion for others. My heart was breaking when you were going though the move from your home of 20 years with Terry, but when you later posted a note and I detected a glimmer of joy in your words when you found, through meeting a new friend that you do, indeed, still have the ability to care and feel hope for the future in your life, I was moved to tears. Knowing you have made such a deep commmitment to Terry's memory through your tireless work and travels speaking on her behalf, shows the level of your character, but you have proven that time and time again by offering your support at times when I most needed a kind word from a friend. So, I second Sasha's commendation, and thank you for being the kind gentleman I am proud to call my friend.

Love, Briana
Namaste

Sent by briana | 3:39 PM ET | 08-04-2007

We ALL need to do a better job of spending time with friends. Life is short and precious and unpredictable and this could be the last time you see your friend because he could tragically be "hit by that bus".

Sent by Susan | 8:54 AM ET | 08-05-2007

Life is short and very unpredictable. But I feel like we do the best we can at times. Some friends for what ever reason drift away and don't want to deal with it. You can't make them want to be part of your life. For what ever the reason is...they might have one they might not.
Some of mine don't they just left.
Others surprised me and did wonderful things and still do.
The fact is cancer is a elephant that sits in front of some friendships. People are scared to death of this thing that has such a huge stigma about it.
I have tried and tried with people and there comes a point of accepting how it really is.
Heck I have people in my own family that can't accept after ten years that I have had cancer..or what it means to me.
So its not just friends its anyone who can't handle it.
I could walk out the door tomorrow and get hit by a bus. But it wouldn't change my cancer history. Nor would it change how others feel about.
I just pray when I do have to deal with it again and I know I will not nieve enough to think I won't..That my Husband and kids..Those who I know really care have the stamina to deal with it again. Cause I know its very hard on them.
I am just so done trying to analyze the why others do what they do. I use to but not now I want to spend my time with those who have proven their worth already.
ITs really hard having been both a caregiver and a patient. It puts twist on that I can't put into words at times.
I only know that I want treat others how I would like to be treated. That means being around..not leaving when the times get tough.
In Nov of 97 I walked in to chemo for the first time. I remember being scared silly. A lady sat down with me and we talked. Her name was Lyn that day we hit it of and be came like sisters. She had Leukemia. When you first meet some one you don't really think about what it means. But I have gone over and over it.
At that time Lyn and I both knew we were we're sick. It became a joke on who would be first and who would take care of who in the end. Who knew it would be me taking care of her. In 2001 she was very ill. As was I. I think niether of us knew or understood..some of what was happening or we did and just didn't mince words on it. Both of us clung to the fact we would get better. And we did and we lived to joke cry scream and smile about it. Then in 2003 Lyn called me from Florida on vacation with her husband. Saying things were bad. She also told me none of her friends would get it or understand it just like I would. I could feel her panic.After all we had been through this more then once both of us. We knew it was bad.
All the way home from Florida we stayed on cell phones..I was worried.She didn't trust the doctors..in Florida..only ours here. It was bad...she had a huge mass in her abdomin and her blood counts were to the moon and it had transposed to high grade lymphoma. Things were bad and her and I knew it. No way around it just through it. But this time it was very different. Chemo sucked and wasn't working and nothing was helping her. IT was sheer hell this time. I was there the day she said the words no chemo I was there when she stopped it and said God take this over. That was it. Sept of 2004. Passed away in her sleep at home. I was very thankful I was there for her, and her friend. By no means was it easy.IT never is. But I would do it again in a heart beat. Cause I know if the shoe had been on the other foot she would of been there for me.

I still have a really hard time..knowing I can't pick up the phone..to call her or tell her whats going on.

But one thing is I stay focused on living the best life possible even with cancer in it. Cause she would of done the same.

So there are friends and there are friends . And those who really care will always be there no matter what.

To those of you who are hurting please know I care.

Kerry

Sent by Kerry | 12:58 PM ET | 08-05-2007

Cancer shows you who your friends are. I found out I had friends whom I thought were merely acquaintances. They would send me cards and call me and I never knew they cared. Then, I had friends who were too "scared" to call me. They were not friends.
Leroy: I think it is great that some days you have little to say. Maybe this means you are savoring the moment, and do not want to have to reflect (analyzing the past) or project (think about the future). I think this is a "good thing" as someone might say.
The big problem with having cancer is that the status quo is only momentary. It can vanish in an instant, as you well know, and then you have mere minutes to adjust to the new reality, which can itself, vanish in seconds. Living in the moment, in the second, gives you a second to rest and relax (maybe).
I am interested in whether you feel more or less or not at all connected to what some call a Higher Power, and others call G-d? Knowing we have no control over our lives does not necessarily mean we accept our "fate". Do we go gently or silently or screaming into that gentle night?
Best wishes for a good day.
Julie

Sent by Julie | 4:54 PM ET | 08-05-2007

Your subject today really hit home. We take an annual sailing trip for a couple of weeks in the Caribbean, one week with family and one week with friends. THIS YEAR we had to plan TWO two week trips with a Chemo in between.
EVERYONE wanted to go in 2007 and the reason became obvious. It may be the last chance to sail with Captain John. I struggled through the first trip with shoirtness of breath letting the young folks do the heavy work while I steered the yacht. The second two weeks at the end of August includes my College Buddy who has declined sailing with me for 28 years but this year he was the FIRST to sign up, and the reason again was obvious, his first and final chance to enjoy the Caribbean with me and my wife.
This trip will be extra tough for me because like your tour of Christmas Lights in 2006, I will be thinking this may be my LAST tour of those beautiful islands. It is not that I have given up but I must face reality, there has not been any really good news from scans yet and I am into Chemo #8 of 9.
Still have high hopes for a cure, but each week gets harder to breathe. It is great sailing with all these friends but deep down I know what they are thinking... LAST TRIP..

Sent by John Zizelmann | 5:46 PM ET | 08-05-2007

Dear Nikki,

I would do the same for you, without hesitation. Thank you for the kind thought, especially when you are going through such an unspeakably painful time in your life. That is what I mean by selfless, and that is a true friend.

My heart is with you and your family, and in you saddest of times I hope you know you will never be alone. My love is travelling across the miles, as well, and you have brought light to my day where there was once dark pain. A special gift, my friend, and I thank you.

Love, Briana

Sent by briana | 6:25 PM ET | 08-05-2007

I last visited 5/6 and just stopped to read up on things. It seems each time I read or enter it answers questions for which I had no answers. My mom was recently visited by my cousin who is older than I and very close to her. Despite the fact that they communicate frequently, Mom had never mentioned that she has stage 4 cancer. My sister was shocked. I tried to explain why she wouldn't give the details but your elephant in the room is exactly the answer. She wants their relationship to continue as a normal part of her life especially when we her daughters are always reminding her, to take her meds, when she has doctors appointments, calling to see how she feels after chemo and trying to encourage her to eat even when she doesn't feel like it, etc. I think have someone who doesn't live next door and has no knowledge gives her a chance for normal conversations that we are not giving her lately. Where is our balance? My sister who lives next door and I who live thousands of miles away worry and want to assure she is okay. When does that worry interfere with our ability to be her kids and just normal? I find it hard to draw the line.

Sent by Joyce | 9:02 PM ET | 08-05-2007