Certainly, a thought-provoking blog, Leroy.
Have I wanted to run from all this -- heck yeah! But, I don't, we don't, because we all want to live. I don't think its bravery either, considering the alternative....I just do what I got to do.It's the most important and critical "job" I have ever had.

I will say this, in the beginning, an oncologist asked me what I needed, and I said, 'A one-way ticket to Mexico, you got one?' I got no chuckle from him.
Maybe he wrote in his note "flight risk," or "depression." I sure as heck hope he did not write "chicken$%^&." :)
I'm no quitter, but I do like to dream of a life sometimes, where there seemed to be more freedom, less decisions, and no real fear to speak of.........

Sent by lisa | 7:36 AM ET | 09-25-2007

i couldn't agree with you more....brave to me ,are the persons with cancer that make the difficult choice to stop the chemo and allow God's will to be done.

Sent by marianne dalton | 7:43 AM ET | 09-25-2007

Of all the words one can use to describe you, Leroy, and other cancer patients & caregivers, Cowards isn't one of them. Even those who choose to forego treatment don't qualify as cowards. We all do what we have to do to fight the cancer and it isn't for others to judge.

Nikki

Sent by Nikki | 8:20 AM ET | 09-25-2007

You hit on what is paralyzing me right now. I have become a coward. I do not want to do anything. A blood clot landed me in the hospital, I am weakened from it, but am prolonging the return to school. Before this even hit I find myself in a horrible emotional state of crying all day. My family has had it, tersely asking what's wrong if there is any comment at all. I am on my last possible chemo, I think it is working, but the last ones kept me going only for a few months each. We are trying to sell our house and move, but there isn't even anyplace available to move to if we could find a buyer. I am at wits end and have retreated into the skin of a coward and allowed myself to be paralyzed. No one seems to have any idea how I can find the old Cheryl who tried to make everyone else happy and saw the light at the end of every tunnel. We're trying to move to ease the financial burden of me working so I can switch to an insurance that doesn't require me to work for it, but it might not even cover me the way this one does. How can I find 3 more years of work in me to earn my insurance and enjoy a few years of retirement before dying. Ain't gonna happen. I really am a coward. I can't even force myself to help out with some small daily chores I feel so paralyzed.

Sent by Cheryl McDowell | 8:29 AM ET | 09-25-2007

Dear Leroy/All,

Cancer scares all of us on a daily basis and yes, we all want to run away.............far away! So, I guess your post today convinced me that I am not a coward. I am probably much stronger than I thought I was. Well....... I am still not TOTALLY convinced. I am still very scared. Some distant family members try to be my therapists. They continue to tell me that I must stop having these "Pity parties" I don't consider them pity parties. I just feel the need to be compassionate to my own needs too! It's difficult trying to be strong and trying to stay in touch with ones heart at the same time. THey should take the time out to read your blog..........which I am sure is not going to happen.

Everything in your post today is exactly how I am feeling inside, but don't have the ability to put into words as eloquently as you do. The main quote of today's blog for me is "We can't run away"

Thanks for the great post today. Let's hope every one can "Rise to the challange"

Prayers to you and Laurie.

Sent by sasha | 8:41 AM ET | 09-25-2007

I agree, facing cancer isn't necessary being brave. I feel it may be a necessity, because of the people closest to you, unfinished business, wanting more from life. You do have the option not to treat, and some do take that road. Perhaps few, however some do.

Sent by Sue Chap | 8:47 AM ET | 09-25-2007

We're all kind of like the lion in the Wizard of Oz......all we want is courage.......and then we find we've always had it!!! You, Leroy, are one of the dearest lions of all.......
Have a great day - and hope that today brings you less pain and many wonderful surprises!

Sent by Ruth Chermok | 8:48 AM ET | 09-25-2007

I agree, cancer is scarey but that doesn't make us cowards. Nor do I feel especially brave either. I just do what needs to be done and try to keep positive. Blessings to everyone out there keeping on keeping on.

Sent by Vicki (FL) | 8:50 AM ET | 09-25-2007

Wow! You are exactly right. Others who view us as brave and courageous have just not been tested. As you said, what option do we have. Yes, I suppose some deal with it better than others, but none of us are cowards. Quite the contrary, we are fighters who are fighting a determined enemy. However, I do believe with the right outlook and attitude we can assail our enemy one step at a time.

Sent by Teresa | 8:51 AM ET | 09-25-2007

Leroy, you are absolutely right. It makes me uncomfortable when people tell me I'm an inspiration, or that I'm their hero. I would give everything I own not to be. We are courageous because we have no choice. What good would it do to curl up in the fetal position? We'd miss the life we're fighting so hard to keep. I've been watching the Ken Burn's doc on WWII. While I admire what our parents and grandparents did during that time, I believe this generation would do the same if asked. There is a reserve of strength in all of us that can be tapped when needed. Cancer requires that we tap into it. Well, I'm off to chemo. Thank you Leroy for this place to share strength, courage, and compassion. God Bless.

Sent by Anne Hart | 9:01 AM ET | 09-25-2007

Joe said it like this - trapped like a rat. And all the while knowing it, he waited out his time giving and caring for everyone. An amazing person.

Sent by Irene | 9:23 AM ET | 09-25-2007

Cancer only makes cowards of a few - they are the co-workers, friends and family that disappear rather than deal with your struggle.

Sent by Lesa | 9:25 AM ET | 09-25-2007

I think you have this exactly right. There are no cowards in the chemo rooms.

Sent by Art Ritter | 9:27 AM ET | 09-25-2007

Good morning Leroy
I am so glad you wrote this blog today. I agree we are neither brave nor cowards, we do what we have to do because there is no other choice. Every day I wish I wasn't dealing with this disease, but I know I have to, and I have to do as well as I can for my own sake as well as for the people in my life. You are so very good with words and thoughts thank you for what you write

Sent by gillian faulkner | 9:31 AM ET | 09-25-2007

Hi Leroy
I think the writer never had cancer. Cancer has taken away all my fear. The worst has happened. I got cancer. They cut off my breasts. I lived through chemo. What else is it going to do to me? And if it comes back, well, then I may be afraid, but not of dying. I am afraid of nothing except living without integrity. Cancer makes fearless heroes of us all.

Sent by Alycia Keating | 9:40 AM ET | 09-25-2007

Leroy--I just loved the last part of your blog this morning. My cancer has terrified me, but the only option I have is to fight and hopefully beat the crap out of it! HOPE HOPE HOPE

Sent by Tess from KY | 9:43 AM ET | 09-25-2007

Leroy,

I have seen that episode, and I agree with you. Except for one thing I've noticed--cancer can make those around you cowards. There are people I thought were friends through thick and thin who can't look me in the eye. Others don't phone. Some, I think, don't understand why I'm still around. That's the impression they give me.

I'm like you--from the outside, there is no evidence of the monster that may or may not be having its way with me inside.

I'm still working on accepting this new fact of life (among a few others :).

Take good care, Leroy.
Wendy

Sent by Wendy Murphey | 9:44 AM ET | 09-25-2007

I really needed this blog today, Leroy. Thank you.

Today is the day I meet with my oncologist to discuss our next plan of action. I've been pretty much a mess the last few days. There is so much on my mind. More chemo? More radiaton? More waiting?

I've been seriously considering going on an very strict natural, cancer fighting diet. Maybe even going to one of those natural treatment centers like in "Crazy Sexy Cancer." I hear about people all the time who totally change their diet and life style whose cancer has gone into remission. I know how much work it will be and I'm not sure I have the emotional and physical energy right now to do it.

Well, I know one thing for sure. I'm not a coward either. I may be worried, down, and confused today, but I'm no damn coward. As I always do, I'll walk right into that office, look my doctor in the eye, and deal with whatever news I get. Then I'll make my decision. I do have to admit that I am so scared I feel like throwing up.

Thanks for reminding me how strong I really am.

Sent by Laurel M. Jones | 9:53 AM ET | 09-25-2007

Nothing cowardly about cancer Leroy! Only cowardice I see is the fear of talking frankly and openly with the doctors & caregivers. We should not fear them and accept whatever they prescribe without questioning the why's and wherefore's.
Everyone fears death, and cancer patients feel it's hot breath more now,than before their diagnoses. Cancer makes us more aware of how fragile our lives truly are and why we should use our time wisely. Nothing cowardly about facing up to that!
I agree with you though, that the word "coward" should not be applied to Cancer. It's opposite is "Brave" and to me, there is nothing brave about taking the treatments available for this monster. As you have said, it is a battle, a fight for our lives and we must steel ourselves for any chance of beating this thing. It does seem that those words, coward and brave, would not apply here. Maybe- strength, courage, even stubborness, would describe what we need to get through these ordeals?
Interesting Leroy, and you always give us much food for thought.

Sent by J C R | 10:01 AM ET | 09-25-2007

Here is something I have figured out, folks: the entire time I was in surgery (15 hours), the entire time they kept me unconscious (four days), the entire time I was going through chemo and rads (35 days) and all of the time since, even when they told me it had mets'd to my lungs and that I was a dead man walking (since reprieved), even then, the most courageous person in the equation was not me.

It was my wife. And my children and my siblings and my family.

As I told my wife following the initial ordeal: I slept through it, mainly; you could not, you did not.

And so it goes. I have the disease, or did. But others must live with it in multiples of my own personal concerns.

I admire and love them greatly and consider them the heroes and heroines.

Sent by Joe Alvey | 10:11 AM ET | 09-25-2007

Dear Leroy,

I think my mother is one of the most courageous people I know. She's the star of the chemo room. All the other patients want to sit by her, because she's always poking fun at one of the nurses, my Dad (who is used to it), or herself. I know that behind the scenes she is scared to death and sick as hell, but she puts on a brave face, of course, some days braver than others, as we all do, as we deal with the emotional and physical roller coaster of this disease. Just wanted to say how much I admire her, and you, and everyone touched by this horrid disease. I know you're reluctant heroes, but heroes just the same.

Sent by Connie E. | 10:34 AM ET | 09-25-2007

Thanks, Leroy. Now I have you to quote when people tell me I'm being brave - I can say, "all people are brave; most just aren't tested". I really like that. It's much better than my standard, "I'm just dumb enough to keep doing what the doctors tell me to do"!!!!!

You have an unequaled elloquence with words, my friend.

Sent by Nancy Nelson | 10:39 AM ET | 09-25-2007

AMEN!

Sent by Jane | 10:43 AM ET | 09-25-2007

Leroy,
Another great subject! I, too, am uncomfortable when someone tells me I have handled cancer so well. I tell them all the same thing. It is faith in my Lord that has carried me through. It is just putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. When I get more bad news there is the period of panic and fear, then you "put your big girl panties on" and keep going. I love that phrase that someone started on the ovarian cancer list.
I don't know that I would call those who abandon us cowards. I guess some of them may be, but I think they just don't know how to deal with it. They are afraid they may say or do the wrong thing or maybe they are afraid it could be them and they want to avoid dealing with that.
The people I will call cowards or just plain selfish are the husbands and wives that abandon their mates when cancer strikes. A woman I knew years ago had breast cancer. Her husband left her and took up with a young mistress. She never divorced him, but willed her half of all their property to their children. This forced him to sell their house after she died. He then married the younger mistress. She stayed married to him for ten years and then divorced him and got the house on the lake. It feels so good to see someone get what they deserve! Am I a little mean spirited or do I just love justice!
Have a great day, Leroy. I hope you will be feeling better soon.
Charlotte in Temecula

Sent by Charlotte Kewish | 11:05 AM ET | 09-25-2007

You hit the nail on the head with this one, Leroy. Cancer produced stark terror and numbness in me. If burying my head, trembling under the bedcovers, had been an option, that's what I'd have done. But the only choices I could see were to either die or get up and go through whatever treatment was out there, no matter how godawful it might be. Neither decision would be cowardly. And neither decision would necessarily be courageous, in my opinion. Just facing reality and doing the best you can, putting one foot in front of the other. Maybe where courage comes in is in the amazingly unselfish and giving way some people behave as they face whatever they must face. But are the ones without that great attitude cowardly? Not in my book!

Sent by Doris | 11:08 AM ET | 09-25-2007

Leroy,

We are neither cowardly nor brave. We are scared and we are strong. We are hopeful and we are weak. Those are the realities of facing our mortality at any age. And those realities do coexist in us at all times. I felt strong after going through the rigors of treatment, but felt weak because I still couldn???t tell others what I needed from them (pride). I felt hopeful each time my body bounced back from the assaults, but I was scared the next check up might give me news I didn't want to hear. The cancer puts these realities square in front me. I choose everyday what I'm going to do about them. The days I don't feel good it's difficult to choose hope and peace and acceptance. The days I do feel good the choice is easier. No matter the choice I make on any given day cancer still puts the facts of life and death right in front of my eyes (I want to mention I lived much of my life before cancer in denial of life's many truths). Today, cancer is like this permanent contact lens of reality that I can't take off. In some ways I am grateful for that and in other ways I'm befuddled that something so devastating had to happen for me to see life this way. So, again the paradox of holding the two opposites close to my heart. Maybe that is what life and death is all about... living in the mystery and trying with all of our humanly might to accept it. Bless everyone today that must face the reality of cancer and of life. Missy

Sent by Missy | 11:18 AM ET | 09-25-2007

I agree that cancer can make cowards of people who don't have it but are scared of being too close to someone who does. When you have it, you can be scared, you can be really scared, but you don't get the chance to be a coward.

But I was just thinking about the "courage" thing too. Someone said I was courageous about something not related to my cancer and I realized how cancer had made that feel like that was less of a compliment than I would once have taken it to be. Because I think often when someone decribes someone with cancer as "courageous" what they really are saying to that person is "it must really suck to be you but you don't show it". They don't get that you CAN'T waste energy wishing things were different for very long. In short, they just don't get what it's like to be in cancer world.

Interestingly, though I know this person who said I was courageous in this other context (nothing related to heing a cancer survivor) meant it as a compliment also, I still felt unworthy of that praise.

Maybe courage is something you see in others and not so much in yourself. Anyway, Good blog today.

Sent by N.R. | 11:33 AM ET | 09-25-2007

My son is a cancer survivor and was diagnosed when he was not quite 3 years old. I agree that what my family experienced was neither heroic nor cowardly, but was a fact of life we had to deal with. Cancer is scary, but when you have to deal with it, it changes the way you view life from that day forward. Every day is a gift. Enjoy it because time is a precious thing. I consider my son brave for going through what he had to go through to survive and never questioning why this happened to him. For this I am proud.

Sent by Rod | 11:33 AM ET | 09-25-2007

Another very worth sharing

Sent by Jan | 11:45 AM ET | 09-25-2007

Right on Leroy!!

Sent by claudia | 12:14 PM ET | 09-25-2007

I agree that your blog today is thought provoking on many levels. You comment that people are stronger than we think we are. Not many of us are ever tested on such a primal level. That is exactly how my husband and I felt. He kept saying he wasn't "brave," his comment was "What other choice do I have?"

This plays into the notion of fighting cancer which has been discussed in this blog.

And with Ken Burn's docmentary playing on PBS this week, I am reminded that the young men and women who fought in WWII were placed in a situation where they were tested beyond their lives to date. Last night's installment pointed out that Americans had to learn how to fight when we entered the war in Europe.

Patients of life threatening disease have to learn how to fight for themselves, educate themselves, lean on loved ones who fight, and never give up.

And that is a lesson I have learned -- the hard way -- as a grown up. But I can honestly say, I am glad I have been tested.

Sent by Deborah of Asheville | 12:19 PM ET | 09-25-2007

To Cheryl who wrote about selling her home: I don't think you are a coward. I think you wrote your comment while you were in the middle of anxiety overload. You are probably not in that state all of the time, but it reveals to all of us who read Leroy's blogs and all of the comments that follow how difficult this is minute by minute, hour by hour. There are no easy answers and things don't always "work out for the best" for everyone. I hope you have a moment to catch your breath and still your mind and feel some peace. You are not a coward. I thought your comment was the voice of a fierce fighter.

Sent by Tim M | 12:20 PM ET | 09-25-2007

Having read comments of other bloggers today, I need to respond to Cheryl M. Dear you are depressed and it is ok. But can you get professional help? Check with your local cancer support groups to see what support you can get and get NOW. Do not keep beating yourself over this. There is help. Look to your specific cancer type -- there are groups for types of cancer -- breast, blood-related, etc.
I am saying a prayer for you and sending a virtual hug to all.
Thanks, Leroy, for opening us up.

Sent by Deborah of Asheville, NC | 12:31 PM ET | 09-25-2007

Leroy,

While we can't run from our cancer, there are certainly MANY different responses to it - including cowering in a corner. Maybe everyone does that now and then, but it isn't an optimal way to live out one's days. To me cowardice or bravery consists of what we do most of the time with our disease.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 12:31 PM ET | 09-25-2007

CHERYL!

You are not a coward!!!!! PLEASE DON'T SAY THAT!

I understand what you are saying and I hear you. However, you are tired and frustrated and afraid but not a coward. You are at "wits end". It is understandable and you should be proud that you made it this far. Everyone has a breaking point and at the moment you feel you have hit yours.

I don't know exactly what you are going through but I can say that I bet you wouldn't talk to anyone else the way you are talking to yourself. Maybe if you allowed yourself to completely crumble for a little bit you might regain the strength to push out a smile yet again. I don't know the answer but I know you are not a coward.

Lori

Sent by Lori Levin | 12:34 PM ET | 09-25-2007

Leroy,
I have been reading your blog for some time and this is my first posting. First of all, thank you for all your insights. My husband has neck cancer and is not always willing to communicate but your blogs have helped with that. You are right when you talk about the strength people have. I have been in awe of my husband's attempts and strength in trying to "beat the crap" out of his cancer. He is my hero even though he may soon loose the battle. Please take care Leroy and continue to fight the good fight. Jerrie

Sent by Jerrie Mowery | 12:41 PM ET | 09-25-2007

To Cheryl, I dont think you are a coward. Maybe you are just sick and tired of it all. Which is understandable. Try to find something to cling on to each day. Prayer and this blog are very helpful to me.

Sent by Sarah | 1:16 PM ET | 09-25-2007

Every day I read your blog and the other postings it takes me back to that time and place in my life where I lived thru the fighting and losing of my loved one. Why do I go back there? I wonder and yet I do, the courage and love that he showed while fighting the beast give me the strenght to carry on, thru my own bout with cancer and my life alone after. Truly all of you who fight the good fight show that same courage have my blessing and best thoughts always.

Sent by Kathy from San Diego | 1:21 PM ET | 09-25-2007

For all of us who are trying to stand tall in the face of this challenge I offer these beautiful words that I came across recently:
When you come to the edge of all that you know,
You must believe in one of two things:
There will be earth upon which to stand,
Or you will be given wings.

Author Unknown

Thanks, Leroy, for another thought-provoking message.

Sent by Bonita | 1:44 PM ET | 09-25-2007

Nice for you to voice this Leroy. It has been said that courage is not the absence of fear but that something else is more important than fear. When I see someone dealing with it despite the presence of fear I know that life or integrity or honesty or love are truly more important. For that I am inspired and thankful.

Sent by Rich | 2:04 PM ET | 09-25-2007

Leroy,

Sometimes cancer makes me feel like a monster. Grumpy, achy, angry, snappy that can slide into being mean, (not witty).

Today I am all those things. My dogs and cats are the most patient with me of everyone. Even if I'm snarly with them, they still lay their head on my lap, lick my hand. I feel blessed to share my life with them.

To all my friends and loved ones, here's a blogology...(apology)... sorry you see me at my worst, some days. Thank you for hanging in there with me.

Thanks for not scolding me when I am a coward, and put off going to yet the next appt., scan, etc.

Yes, often people are stronger than they think, but sometimes, their strength/endurance runs out. I guess that actually, I don't mind the term coward. It's okay. There are things to feel cowed about. If I can move on, I do; if I can't, then I don't.
I have a different definition of the word coward.

Take care all,

Kate

Sent by Kate | 2:20 PM ET | 09-25-2007

Great post Leroy. It's a lot like treading water, isn't it?

Sent by Scott Fertig | 2:33 PM ET | 09-25-2007

Dear Leroy and others in this Community,

I feel much the same way as others who have already posted today. I don't feel brave or courageous. I try to explain this to friends and family by saying, I have a choice. I can do nothing and die or I can do aggressive treatment, (at a high cost to me physically by the way) and maybe I can live. As long as I decide that life over death is preferable, then I will continue to fight. A friend's mother had almost exactly what I have and was being treated by the same doctors as myself. She was 7 years older than me. She decided not to have major surgery, unlike myself, and she died within a few months. That's what my doctor told me if I didn't have this major surgery. She said she had a good life. I don't view her as a coward, not do I view myself as brave. We just made different choices for ourselves.

On a separate note, some of you have been following my own battle. The result of my CT scan from yesterday was negative for detectable cancer in my Head and Neck area. All great news. Thanks for all of you out there that have sent me good wishes. I read your entries and I send my hope and wishes for many of you frequently.

Deep Regards,

Ed Steger
www.hncancer.blogspot.com

Sent by Ed Steger | 3:08 PM ET | 09-25-2007

No cancer patient is a coward; even if they think so. My granddaughter was given a time. Didn't happen, what do doctors know? From all appearances it will happen. The suffering is impossible to describe. Do not every go to palaitive care. We know from experience unless you are ready to leave this world now that is not the place for you. Since watching her treatment, I would not recommend chemo to anyone ever unless you were advised that it is doubtful for cancer to return. From what I have seen I would say take the tumor out burn it out or whatever out each time it comes back and go on living a good life for another year until the next tumor, appears. Living with chemo destroys you so bad (good cells bad cells) you can never have a good year or a few good months. Anyway, later when the time comes I will write to the news/TV and explain at the proper time.

Sent by Mavis Adams | 3:15 PM ET | 09-25-2007

Leroy, I agree fully with your position. Sure there are days when we all wish we could just hide, but we get back in the game the next day. What choice is there. If you do nothing you die. Even in battle the odds are better that you will survive. Sure cancer is scary, but make us cowards. No never! Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 3:25 PM ET | 09-25-2007

Leroy,
Ahh..to have the choice of being cowardly..what a pleasure that would be. My husbands bone scan showed increased activity last week and provided his brain scan shows no surgery is needed there, it's back into chemo for him. What kind of coward could face all these obstacles and keep going over the fence all the time? Cancer patients and caregivers don't have a cowardly bone in their bodies. And to all of the family members and friends that are afraid of cancer, shame on you for your cowardice and to all the friends and family members who are heroes thank you. God bless us all.

Sent by kathie | 4:13 PM ET | 09-25-2007

Cheryl, I can feel your pain and fear and wish I could give you a good hug and a safe place to land and talk. Blessings to all you warriors!

Sent by Karen | 4:21 PM ET | 09-25-2007

Leroy - I've seen that episode also and the thought that went through my head immediately was that the script writer was comletely ignorant of what we as patients go through on a daily basis. Cowards? Not even close. I agree with you that it't not really bravery that keeps us going - we're just really preoccupied with continued survival and will do whatever it takes to do so. Sure, I'd like to run away from it, but it's just not a good option. As for the friends and acquaintances who have kind of disappeared, I can't really consider them cowards - for all I know, they have their own demons to contend with and don't need one more set to add to those that they're already carrying.

To Cheryl (posted above) - you are not a coward because you are paralyzed. You have been dealt a pretty lousy hand, but please take some comfort in knowing that the rest of us in cancer world are pulling for you, and that you will get through this.

Sent by Bob Maimone | 4:41 PM ET | 09-25-2007

I agree with Art......There are no cowards in the chemo room. If you want to see brave and courageous men and women.....just look there.

Sent by Teresa in WV | 4:42 PM ET | 09-25-2007

If there is one thing I would NEVER say about anyone with any kind of cancer, no matter what choices they may make regarding treatment or no treatment, it would be that cancer makes them a coward. This long journey that my husband and I are on, as we face the next thing (a change in chemo protocol if my CT scan, done yesterday, shows tumor growth)has taught me that there are all kinds of courage, and that people who live in Cancer World (and I'm talking about caregivers and loved ones and spouses and family as well as the patients) are constantly called upon to show their stuff, and that they _all_ step up to the plate in ways "normal" people may never be called upon to do. I'm glad I missed that episode, I would have been upset by that statement coming out of a supposed cancer patient's mouth. We face decisions every day that ought to win us medals, if the rest of the world only knew. Some days, just to get out of bed feels to me like an award winning performance, and I have never felt less cowardly! Frightened, yes; confused, yes; angry, of course, sometimes; bitter, no, it's just the genetic hand I got dealt. But NO ONE who lives with cancer is a coward. Ever. Period.

Sent by Katherine Moore | 4:59 PM ET | 09-25-2007

Having Cancer has always me feel stong and brave, not cowardly. Even if I'm not always winning, I feel good that I can take any treatment they send my way.

Great news on my scans today. There is no progression and a couple of the tumors are still shrinking. They aren't sure if it's the chemo or the new immune system, but we have death!!

Sent by Jill | 5:03 PM ET | 09-25-2007

Maybe cowardice is more than just not facing up to one's fears. Maybe it also lies in failing to demand that cancer research and treatment become a health care priority. Back in the 1970s President Nixon declared war on cancer. There have truly been some breakthroughs since that time, but consider the following: The United Nation's cancer agency said on Monday that cancer deaths will more than double to 17 million people each year in 2030 with poor countries bearing the heaviest burden. This is a staggering number. We have to do better, and raising awareness of the scope and magnitude of illness, as well as regarding the personal suffering involved, must play important roles. Bravery is sometimes found in non-complacency.

Sent by Alan | 5:06 PM ET | 09-25-2007

Cheryl,

I am a retired professional and I would like to know if your obvious depression is being treated. Depression almost always comes with cancer and sometimes if you treat the depression, it makes life easier.Jut a thought. Blessings.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 5:45 PM ET | 09-25-2007

Cheryl,
Perhaps you're too busy trying to find the ???old Cheryl??? without welcoming the new Cheryl. We've written often about how cancer changes us --usually for the better, becoming more aware, accepting of others and of our own limitations. Maybe you???re still trying to make ???everyone happy???; that???s not possible, and now you need help, so seek it wherever it may lie. I went to old friends and family when necessary and surprisingly/gratefully/acceptingly found great sources of strength.
Wish you the best.

Sent by J. Ron | 5:47 PM ET | 09-25-2007

I missed that line and I watch that show. Cancer makes us courageous. Wimps can't do cancer treatments and the surgeries. Living with cancer is work, in addition to the work many of us still go to everyday to keep our health insurance. Cowards don't have cancer, real people who can handle it do. Thanks Leroy

Sent by Rita | 6:17 PM ET | 09-25-2007

What Cancer Cannot Do
It cannot cripple Love
It cannot shatter Hope
It cannot corrode Faith
It cannot destroy Peace
It cannot kill Friendship
It cannot suppress Memories
It cannot silence Courage
It cannot invade the Soul
It cannot steal Eternal Life
It cannot conquer the Spirit

we are all strong, we may feel like cowards, but the cancer, if anything, makes us stronger.

Sent by Kalev | 7:27 PM ET | 09-25-2007

Courage is doing the right things for us for the right reasons for us inspite of the obvious ,perceived or unintended consequences for us. Courage and fear are with us each day. We choose to overcome our fears and to move forward a step at a time and a day at a time. Doing something is often associated with being positive, action-oriented and courageous. I would also submit that doing nothing, accepting one's fate and ceasing any and all treatments is equally courageous. How better to demonstrate one's faith (courage) than to place your life by choosing, your very existence on this earth in the hands of God!

In our society the word "courage" is used so often in describing the mundane that it becomes trivial and sometimes ceases to fulfill its true meaning. This is not so in the cancerworld!! Courage is in abundance in some form or fashion each day from all. Cowards do not exist here.

Very thought provoking blog.

Blessings and prayers.

Sent by Al Cato | 7:28 PM ET | 09-25-2007

This blog reminded me of when I was in treatments.
The hardest part of treatment was going through the doors. Vanderbilt had great BIG gold letters that said CANCER CENTER just above the doors. Some days it would take me 3 or 4 attempts to make it through the doors and across to the other side. It felt like a vacuum on the other side-like there wasn't enough oxygen across on that side or the threshold. I wasn't afraid of what would happen to me; I wasn't afraid of IVs or that it would hurt or that I would be nausous or sick.
I was mostly afraid that I belonged there. I had cancer. And the very thought of it melted my resolve to stand tall. It took so many attempts to cross into the CANCER CENTER because I was afraid I would just have a melt down right then and there in the lobby.

I belonged there and wished so very much that I didn't.

Sent by Lori Monroe | 7:37 PM ET | 09-25-2007

Dear Leroy,
I have felt like a coward for such a long time now, and haven't written much over the past month or so because of it. I don't know what to say any longer,
and because of the embarrassment, I haven't done anything! I have found myself paralyzed by this fear, to the point of denial that I even have CANCER, and this is dangerous, I know, but it is the only way I know to survive. Has anyone ever felt this way or am I the only one who chooses to hide under the covers and pretend this is an awful dream, and I will wake up and realize I have been having a nightmare? I am tired, and I am tired of being tired. I do not see others hiding under their covers like I am, you all go on with life and live it to the fullest every day, or so it seems to me, but I need to know if there is something really, really wrong with my way of dealing with CANCER. I am afraid,
I am angry, I am terrified -- that I will go to sleep one night and not wake up the next day. This may sound like something a child might say, but that is how I feel right now about myself, but not all of you who are continuing to fight, and FIGHT YOU ARE!!!

You give me the courage to read every day, and I appreciate all the words of wisdom that keep me going. Thank you all, for helping me to hang on until I am back into my usual rage over having the most horrible disease known to man. I know I am depressed, my depression has been treated, but that source of relief has been taken from me, like a
thief steals candy from a baby, and I am very, very angry about that, but to
do anything about this takes more energy
than I have to put forth, and I can only
pray that one day I will wake to find my strength has been renewed, and I will
once again FIGHT, like all of you are doing now. Thank you for listening to my thoughts and fears, it helps to know I have a place to come and say how my heart feels, and know I am not being too harshly judged.

Love, Briana

Sent by Briana | 8:16 PM ET | 09-25-2007

Cheryl~ I got the feeling that your desparation and depression is being caused more by financial concerns than by the cancer. Fear of losing everything you have worked for because of what is happening to you and your life can make a "coward" out of anyone.
You must use all your strength to fight Cancer and not be weighed down by material things. How you do this, I cannot say at this moment, but I feel certain that you should be confident that situations change overnight and your courage will come forward once again. Best wishes dear friend.

Sent by J C R | 8:34 PM ET | 09-25-2007

I was sitting in the hospital emergency room two Sunday's ago because I had fallen off my bicycle. Yep, that was funny, at least I think so. I managed to sprain my ankle along with tearing ligaments trying to break my fall. Through the course of the check-in process, the emergency room nurse asked me what medications I am taking and I responded by stating "tamoxifen". I saw that momentary recognitional pause he made as he absorbed my response. Finally, this wonderful emergency room nurse asked me how I was doing with the cancer. Amazingly, I found myself looking at him straight in the eyes and told him that ever since I received the "diagnosis", I decided to go for it. He smiled and he understood. Later, I wondered what in the world would make me say something like that to a complete stranger. I then wondered if I'm trying to run away from the cancer, or the thought of death by cancer, because I find myself doing things that I probably wouldn't have done before that fateful day. It is said that running away is a cowardly thing to do. If I am running away which would make me a coward, then I'm sure having fun being a coward rather than a pillar of strength.

To Cheryl, at one point in this journey, I wondered what happened to my "old self." Finally, I asked myself if I wanted my "old self" back and surprisingly my response was "not really." Cancer has taught me to reach out to family and friends when I need to be picked up from the floor, in an emotional sense. It's okay to let others pick you up, dust you off, and send you on your way. Cancer has given back to me faith in the human race, particularly at time when the world seems so cruel. Keep the faith...There is no doubt that you will find your way.

Sent by Kathy B. | 10:25 PM ET | 09-25-2007

Leroy, thank you once again for your thought provoking blogs.

I think courage is doing something even though you are terrified.

I think I showed courage when I was first diagnosed and I charged forward. I think my son showed courage when he joined the Army, knowing he would go to Iraq and when he returned to Iraq after leave. That's real courage.

I've had people say "that's not really courage because you have no choice when you have cancer, it happens to you, courage isn't involved".

There is a choice. My own mother (an RN) made the "other" choice. That choice was to quietly keep notes about her symptoms and avoid going to the doctor until her oblivious family finally noticed and MADE her go.

Courage is the person who thinks they might have cancer and gets it checked out. Those people have every opportunity to run the other way.

Courage is the person who shows up for chemo #2, and #3, and #4.

And courage is you, Leroy. You have blessed us by sharing your own struggles. By letting the world know what it is like to be us.

I always feel bad when you have to struggle to come up with today's topic. I think the irony is, in Cancer World, the topics are every day. We go through the terror, the battle, the procedures, the guilt, the relationsip issues every single day.

God Bless.

Sent by Karen D. | 11:39 PM ET | 09-25-2007

I think we are all brave. It is courageous to take chemo. And courageous to refuse it. It takes courage to face pain, and wait on scan results, and wake up from surgery to hear the news about your margins. It takes courage to wear a wig, and courage to walk around bald. It takes courage to deal with the pain and uncertainty and the side effects of treatments. No, we are not cowards. We are human, and all allowed cowardly moments. Cancer gives us ample opportunity to be brave, whether we want to or not - but how we handle it is still a choice we make each day. And to handle it with grace and grit, when we want to give up the ship...well I think that is very brave.

Sent by Beth | 11:42 PM ET | 09-25-2007

I think you r on target. We face the reality and try to fight it. But I stopped the chemo a year ago because I did not like the side effects. I just finished a cycle of radiation to my spine and left lung and now find out it has attacked my pelvis, righe humerous ans right femor. What next? I feel fine am on pain killers but now have to worry about a spontaneous fracture of my arm or leg. I just want to enjoy my life.

Sent by Robert G Oehl | 12:10 AM ET | 09-26-2007

Leroy, I am so sorry you need another major painful procedure and yet so happy that you may be on the path to achieving some pain relief. You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you face this newest challenge.

Might I suggest you consider re-running your older blogs during the time that you are recovering? Those of us who missed some of the earlier ones would have fun catching up. Also, if it were possible to have current responses posted to the earlier blogs we would all still have a forum to communicate our daily thoughts, challenges, and words of encouragement to you and to each other.

Take care. We are all there for you.

Sent by Bonita | 11:32 AM ET | 09-26-2007

To Kathy from San Diego: You are not alone.

Sent by Susan | 12:06 PM ET | 09-26-2007

I'm thinking of you in the midst of your surgery, and praying all goes well for you. You are an inspiration to all of us - with and without cancer.

Sent by Leslie Brotsky | 3:11 PM ET | 10-01-2007