I'm glad to hear you say that, Leroy. No one would choose to walk this path, but I'm glad to hear you wouldn't choose to forget it.

Sent by Laura | 7:44 AM ET | 09-17-2007

i wouldn't choose to forget it either. It has changed me for the better in most cases. I don't worry about the mundane little things. I take what is handed to me and learn to deal with it. I have always been taken care of. If I had a problem it would be fixed wither by my husband, father, mother or mother in law. They can't do that now. I have to do it and keep the mindset to fight this beast. Support groups are ery important. I wanted to cancel my scans and mri today but my husband wouldn't let me. so I pace the floor with my defense mechanism up as my doctor says. So many times I was disappointed throughout this juorne that I expect the worse and hope for the best. That way the blows are less devasting. My thoughts are with you and everyone in Cancer world.
Kim

Sent by kim lukich | 9:08 AM ET | 09-17-2007

I had a little amenesia about what chemo was like - it was good while it lasted. Kind of like forgetting the pain of having a baby. But on the other hand when my kids reminded me that I went through all that before and did fine I felt comforted. I have no hair again and that makes me feel a litte sad but treatment this time seems to make a difference in my symptoms (pain, etc.) so I am more confident in the results. I have learned more patience and to accept help from others through this experience and I wouldn't want to forget those lessons. Thank you Leroy for writing every day - it means so very much.

Sent by Vicki (FL) | 9:21 AM ET | 09-17-2007

Good question! I would say don't forget because its the rain in our life that makes the good days so much sweeter.

Sent by DiAnn | 9:25 AM ET | 09-17-2007

But maybe amnesia is forced on us by our merciful brains. I've had 5 surgeries, three 30 round treatments of external radiation, fractured vertebrae, and more. I can remember the pain the way I remember a story told to me, but I can't bring it back. "Pain has an element of blank," says the poet. I'm grateful for not being able to remember, and, when I've been in the middle of it, it's so consumed my body that my brain and memory haven't worked well at all. And, then there's events that have happened since my diagnosis that are so awful or humiliating that they just hang around the edge of memory like the worst things that happened in junior high. I'm not sure we have a choice.

Sent by Michele | 9:28 AM ET | 09-17-2007

I don't know if I would chose to forget. Right now I am in the midst of chemo again after 4 years. Last time I didn't lose my hair, a little later this morning I will be shaving off all that I have as it is starting to pull out too easily. I know this is only a bump in the road, and many others have been this way before, but once it is personal it seems different. Everyone tells me I am doing so well, am I? Or is it their perception of me? Maybe that is also a good thing. We are supposed to be going to Western Australia in November to cheer our daughter on in an Ironman Triathalon. She has been diligently training and I desparately want to be there for her. I am going to approach my onc. on Thursday to get a feel for the situation. Thank you all for being there and letting me share my thoughts.

Sent by Natalie | 9:40 AM ET | 09-17-2007

Leroy, I tried a cool drug, Vercid, While the doctors saved my life, I was in another world. In my world the hospital was running a game show like lets make a deal, where the staff and patients played the game. I got a super computer implanted in me that allowed me to do wonderful things but I had to be fed birdseed thru my nose tube. Boy did I squawk about that!! I ended up being a Templar Knight fighting the crusades, going to a citrus garden alcove to escape the pain of my injuries. It had flowing citrus juice fountains. I still retreat to this area today when in pain or the need for meditation.
Of course the whole time I thought this was happening, my real body was having resescutators shoved in and out, a pacemaker installed and fighting pneumonia. When I came too, I could not talk,walk, or communicate very well. But boy I had lots of info for writing a book. Plus I had to figure out why I was alive. Eventually I had my wife fill in the missing time, it took almost a year to catch up on 60 days.
So don' let amnesia bother you, have someone make a log for you to read later.

Sent by Sam Means | 9:46 AM ET | 09-17-2007

I really do wish that I could forget that I had cancer, that I had ever had cancer. I would like to feel well enough all the time that I just don't remember. Maybe that is what thinking you are in remission feels like. I wouldn't know.

Sent by Stephanie Dornbrook | 9:55 AM ET | 09-17-2007

Hi Leroy,
I would like to forget that I have cancer but it is a constant in my life. The treatments, the meds, and the way it has changed my life. I no longer can work and cancer has brought me the gift of pain as well as compassion. I have noticed that I have forgotten a lot of things which I joking say it is chemo brain. I have forgotten people's names and dates that are important in my life. When I called the other day my former employer in which I recieve disability benefits, the woman on the line asked what my start date was....the date is important and how they verify your identity when you call in. When she asked the question, I could not remember even though it had been ingrained in my brain for years. Now it is gone....lost in the fog of my brain. I have forgotten other things and yes even to pay my water bill. Cancer has brought so much to my life and now with the brain fog, I wish I could forget that I have it. It is the only thing I have not forgotten.

Sent by Miriam Estrada | 10:01 AM ET | 09-17-2007

Hey Leroy;

G.I. Joe says... Just knowing is half the battle.

Often I wonder if the industry lawyers are involved in making the most complete, though unlikely, list of side effects.

Here are my general words of encouragement... I have migraines ( less frequently as the years go on.) and the pain drug that really helps, does cause a little amnesia. The consequence is more in short term details. like what did you do yesterday afternoon or what did you have for lunch two days ago....

Nothing serious and definitely doesn't change my fundamental personality -- no crimes take place while under the influence.

Nevertheless, I'd sometimes rather have the headache Saturday, than come up short in a business meeting on Monday. In the long run, the important memories are not lost forever - they just take longer to become consolidated.

Anyway, I expect things will be OK and you will work out the tradeoff between pain and small forgetfulness.

Sent by Emile | 10:06 AM ET | 09-17-2007

I would not want amnesia unless the cancer went with the memory. Would anyone want to repeat the first day of cancer world? The first month, year, etc.? Not me. Onward, forward, hope springs eternal.

Sent by Diana L Santamaria | 10:19 AM ET | 09-17-2007

The second time I was diagnosed with cancer that my legs shook uncontrollably while I was awaiting being scanned. Some years later, the third time I was diagnosed, my legs didn't shake at all while I was awaiting the same kind of test, so I think my brain remembered and wasn't so afraid.
I think there is such a thing as sweet memories. Meaning I think that when we remember pleasant things our brains produce those endorphins that give us a sense of well being. So while it is important for us to remember the journey cancer has forced us to take, it is also important to be able to reflect on the many good times we have each experienced throughout our lives.

Sent by Joan F | 10:21 AM ET | 09-17-2007

Dear Leroy,

I am so sorry that you are still having pain from your previous procedures. But, on the other hand I am happy that you have not lost that wondeful sense of humor. I wish things could have worked out better for you instead of getting tougher. You have had many setbacks in the past two years but somehow always survived them. I have faith in you. You are a survivor; you don't give up easily! Be well my friend.

Prayers to you and Laurie.

Sent by sasha | 10:22 AM ET | 09-17-2007

Yesterday, I ran a Terry Fox run in Edmonton (Canada) along with thousands of others across the country. It's an annual event, a time to remember Terry Fox and his heroic run across Canada in 1980 to raise money and awareness for cancer research.

And it's personal - a time to remember my mother who died of cancer in 1996. Going through that with her, I have some memories that I haven't forgotten but are deeply painful to touch. Other memories remind me of the transcendence I felt, when I was never so aware of my purpose on this earth as I was at that time.

And I thought of this blog yesterday, and sent out my best wishes to Leroy and to all living with cancer and their families for strength, hope and effective, compassionate care. You are in my thoughts.

Jen

Sent by Jen Stewart | 10:50 AM ET | 09-17-2007

I think it would be the brave thing for me to say "I wouldn't forget", but today, the truth is that I would give anything to forget any of this horrible crap ever happened to me. I'm tired and I'm hurting and I just want to forget it all and start over. Maybe the amnesia isn't what I need, I need a complete reset button. Even if I forgot I imagine I'd still be sick. I need something that takes away that too, not just the fact that I hate remembering that the last 2 years of my life; even though they've had their reflective hopeful moments, it has been very hard. I want to wake up and not have to fight such a hard battle. I hope this isn't too negative, but truth be told, some days are just worse than others.

Sent by Laurie | 10:58 AM ET | 09-17-2007

Leroy - Wow, add amnesia to chemo brain and that is a scary combination! Are you then too confused to remember that you forgot?

One thing that I know I feel, and have had many other people state to me, is that cancer becomes part of who we are. Without having gone through that experience, we would not be the same people. Of course when one is lucky like me to be NED for nearly five years, and having lost no body parts, and having not been maimed, and being fully healthy again, it is a lot easier to make that statement.

Enjoy the day!

Sent by Art Ritter | 11:14 AM ET | 09-17-2007

Years ago my Mom went through a terrible head operation to remove a liquid tumor of sorts which had formed behind her eyes and was literally pushing her one eye out. Whatever they used back in in those days, (she was 50+ at the time), she lost all memory of what the pain was like for the first 3 or 4 days after the surgery. I stayed by her bedside night and day and watched as she pounded the bed with her fist, hour after hour, asking me "what time is it? Will this pain ever stop?"
She looked terrible and I pleaded with the nurses to do something for her pain. They kept assuring me that she would be alright and would forget all the agony.
Know what? She did. Even though she seemed to understand and know I was there, until the day she died some 40 yrs later, she had absolutely no recollection of those days immediately following the operation. Whatever they gave her wiped out all that pain which must have been horrendous!
Maybe Leroy, that is the type of amnesia that your doctors are speaking of. My Mom remembered everything else but not the pain. Not bad, if that is the case -right? Whatever you decide, you have our love, hope and prayers.

Sent by JCR | 11:38 AM ET | 09-17-2007

Whether from chemotherapy or aging (or both?), I've had disturbing memory loss problems this past year.It's weird but also embarassing to be unable to think of the names of common objects or what company your husband works for or the phone number you've had for 20 years!But would I want to have amnesia about cancer? Yes! Not about the lessons cancer has taught me, but wouldn't it be great to feel carefree again, as if we had all the time in the world, with many great adventures ahead? The fog of dread would lift! And cancer isn't the only thing I'd like to forget; I would love to forget about the struggles of a loved one with addiction. I guess they're both situations that cause a constant heartache. The awareness of them never really leaves, even if I push it to the back of my mind. A little amnesia might be a blessing.

Leroy, I hope this new medication relieves your pain. Hang in there.

Sent by Doris | 11:42 AM ET | 09-17-2007

Leroy,

I don't think there is any question that pain of whatever kind can make us stronger and more mature. It doesn't do that, though, while we are in the middle of it, suffering from it. It is only in retrospect that we have appreciation.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 11:57 AM ET | 09-17-2007

I'm with you, Stephanie - I would like to forget that I ever had cancer. And unfortunately, I don't think that being in remission makes that possible either - I'm technically cancer-free (and grateful for that), but I can't seem to forget it. Unlike many others who have/had cancer, it has not brought many positives to my life, and in fact, it has brought a lot of pretty bad stuff - stuff beyond just actually having cancer. Yes, I would like very much to forget it all.

Sent by Gretchen Hoag | 12:03 PM ET | 09-17-2007

Over the weekend I went to the funeral of a friend. She died of cancer. She was a good person. It was not fair she had to die before her time.She was full of life before the cancer took the life from her.
This was the first funeral I have gone to since I was diagnosed (Jan07). It was not easy. Alot of feeling I had pushed to the back of my mind came racing back. I thought I had come to peace with some of them, but I gress not. I watched what her family was going thru and thought of what it will be like for my family when my time comes. It will be hard. I'm 45, I want to grow old with my wife.I want to see my little girl grow up and have her own family.I want to be a part of all that and more,but chances are not good that will happen. That breaks my heart to think about. Thank you all for listening. God bless

Sent by David White | 12:28 PM ET | 09-17-2007

Art,
you made me laugh out loud with the chemo brain/amnesia comment. I am sure I'll chuckle all day today , THANKS! hehehehehe...

Sent by liz zimmerman | 1:01 PM ET | 09-17-2007

I appreciated this blog. My husband has short term memory loss and sometimes it's long term. I think it frustrates him less than me. I often have to repeat the same conversation over and over. I know this isn't amenesia, but it's close. You hang in there and keep your sense of humor.

Sent by Barb | 1:06 PM ET | 09-17-2007

I think we all go through events in life that we would like to forget, but then we've probably learned a great deal from them as well. Today marks nine anniversaries since I heard the words "you have incurable colon cancer." Nine years of new seasons, birthdays, anniversaries, memories, miracles and hope.

In years past, I've described this diagnosis as a battle, a fight, a war, a roller-coaster ride, a merry go round, a voyage, a journey, a seven year itch, and even a dance. All fit, but the greatest gift this year has given me is the realization that I'm not dying from colon cancer. I am living fully in spite of it. I have reaped the benefits of research, a dedicated team of doctors, and increasing options. In my arsenal has been 5fu, levamisole, leucovorin, irinotecan, oxaliplatin, xeloda, three clinical trials, numerous surgeries, Sir-spheres, Gamma Knife radiation, intrathecal chemotherapy, external beam radiation, and vertebroplasty. None of these, other than 5fu, existed when I was diagnosed. Some of them I would like to forget but each of them brought me to today.

I've done things that I would have never attempted without cancer (including sky diving and scuba diving)- lobbying, speaking, meeting new people and telling a very private story in extremely public places. My
life has touched others as they have touched mine and increased my understanding of hope. For nine years I have lived with a gift that many never have the opportunity to open. It is the gift of NOW. My children have nine years of journals and thoughts for every step of their youth, pictures and love, memories and
moments, and an awareness that not many their age experience. My husband and I have learned to embrace every day and we have a strong appreciation for the present day.

So Leroy, enjoy the amnesia that lets you escape the pain but hold onto the memories and moment and little joys you've found in spite of this disease. My you all celebrate an incredible nine!

Sent by Suzanne Lindley | 1:19 PM ET | 09-17-2007

This comment isn't on today's blog entry, but on an article http://green.yahoo.com/index.php?q=node/1570 in which a cancer researcher claims to have used radio frequency to produce energy from sea water by breaking its hydrogen bonds. I thought it was interesting that the same technology that can zap a tumor has the possiblility of being used to create non-fossil fuel energy.

Sent by Stephanie | 1:28 PM ET | 09-17-2007

Hi Leroy,

My biggest fear of amnesia of cancer would be to have to learn about all of it all over again. I learned so much about it once, have gotten used to and comfortable with having oncology as part of my life, and I wouldn't want to have to go through that process again.

Hope all is well. Hugs.

Sent by Lilly T. | 3:26 PM ET | 09-17-2007

On this journey
I call my life
I've found no one
more interested
In it than I.

If I don't remember,
who will? Certainly
not the cancer...

I choose to remember
As much as I can
As long as I can
As it's who I am
And who I am to be.

-dp

Be well.

Sent by dp | 5:25 PM ET | 09-17-2007

I like what Diana said, "...hope springs enternal." That I can handle.

Sent by Kay | 5:53 PM ET | 09-17-2007

Hi All,

I don't know where the day went.. Suddenly it is 5:00 in the evening, and I just know what happened to the day. I didn't accomplish that much, just enough to justify something, I just don't remember what. It certainly isn't chemo brain, because, I have never had chemo. Is it amnesia, or something more serious.

When I was taking classes toward my undergrad degree I remember one of my professors saying when you can't remember something, it was just your brain getting rid of something it thought wasn't that important.

I have to go find what I was looking for, I just don't remember what.

Have a good evening all.

Sent by Susan Chap | 6:07 PM ET | 09-17-2007

Leroy,
Again, I'm just getting home so sorry this is so late.

Lilly T. I understand your fears. That happened to my mom. We had to go through the heartbreaking trauma of finding out she had end stage lung cancer. After three days of chemo and radiation, she completely forgot about the cancer--she thought she was in the hospital for pneumonia. Her dr. and I had a big discussion--tell her again?
To what end? I truly felt she went through that horror once-she didn't need to experience it again--knowing that she only had a couple of weeks to live.

Was it the right answer? I believe it was for her. Amnesia can be a blessing.

My husband, on the other hand, had 'chemo brain' and that was perfect for him (can anything to do with cancer be perfect?)

Good luck, Leroy.
Kathy B.

Sent by Kathy Barney | 6:55 PM ET | 09-17-2007

It's been a bad day...things are catching up and my brain won't work...can't remember where I put things even though I know they are on the desk. After reading about everyone else's pain today, I know how lucky I am...just wish you were all doing better.

Leroy's blog reminded me of a joke I used to tell my students when I subsitute taught in our local school. I would tell the kids they had to forgive me if I forgot their names because as a substitute, I had to be a different person everyday and at times I couldn't even remember who I was. I would them I had made a mark on my bathroom mirror in lipstick and put a sign next to it that said "if you are this tall, you are Nikki". That way, every morning when I brush my teeth, I know who I am before I leave the house...But this morning, I put my shoes on first, and I've been confused the whole day."

Most of them just looked at me like I was crazy, but I always got a laugh watching them as they never knew if I was serious or not.

Prayers with you all,

Nikki

Sent by Nikki | 7:53 PM ET | 09-17-2007

reminds me of Lance Armstrong's famous quote that he could not have won the tour without going through his cancer experience.

Sent by kelly | 8:01 PM ET | 09-17-2007

Leroy, It would be nice to have selective memory loss. You could choose not to remember the horror of war, the 1000 mile stare, just the suffering of it all. But you are right, these things make you who you are. While I would like to forget Vietnam, it changed me for the rest of my life. I'm not exactly sure how, I just know it did. Cancer changes you too. Not just the terror of the news, but in much deeper ways. I am less afraid of dying, than those around me are of losing me. I am very grateful to know that! Get something to help with the pain, but keep your memories. Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 8:06 PM ET | 09-17-2007

It is the tough times that make you who you are... I love that you say that Leroy. I know I have discovered parts of me that are worth fighting for, that I wasn't in touch with before. When you are looking in the mirror at a bald head, pale skin, dark circled eyes... you know- you have to reach deep to find the person that you embracing. And that embracing brought me a much deeper knowledge of myself. I don't want to forget that either. My immediate reaction to your stating that, however, was that even if you do forget, and you may- well, you will, one day (one day far into the future preferably), it doesn't matter a bit. Because after we are gone, our tough times and the way we handled them and how we grew from them will resonate among the people that love and know us. So your struggles and your stand are not in vain, even on the day that you don't remember them. You have deeply touched people. That is forever.

Sent by Cathy Skubik | 8:11 PM ET | 09-17-2007

Leroy,

Each of your blog entries is superb. The introspection in this one is brilliant!!

I hope that pain relief comes quickly for you.

Sent by Sheara | 9:05 PM ET | 09-17-2007

I can't forget. Being a survivor is a major part of my identity, and I have grown in wisdom along with the pain. Your humor is shining brightly today Leroy and makes me laugh out loud. And Suzanne, your inspiring story is so good for our hearts! All the best!

Sent by Karen | 9:29 PM ET | 09-17-2007

You're amazing! To have gone through all that you have and still be able to make people laugh.

You're a hero in my mind.

Sent by Suzanne | 9:30 PM ET | 09-17-2007

In my case its colon cancer in 2001 and now multiple myeloma.
I recall the doctor doing the rectal exam and then pausing and an "oh" came from him. He probably does not remember uttering that but I sure do. He had felt my rectal tumor.
Would I choose to forget it? NO. I choose to know my reality.
Others mention the 'chemo-brain' , not being able to recall the names of objects or the word you want. Annoying, but I seem to have gotten better over the past 6 years. Maybe its not permanent.

Sent by JayDS | 10:16 PM ET | 09-17-2007

Having cancer may not define us, but like raw ore smelted in to gold, it does transform us and make us forever stronger.

Peggy

Sent by Peggy Miles | 9:36 AM ET | 09-18-2007

I don't want to forget where I have been.
No one wants cancer and living with it for a long time..I don't seem to forget it. But that's reality. I chose to stay there and vigilant.

Sent by Kerry | 9:39 AM ET | 09-18-2007

i also seem to have some memory loss and wondered why. had a hysterectomy due to ca, and radiation. i lost alot of my hair so i had the rest shaved off.i look at myself and its like i dont feel like the same person. is this normal?

Sent by diana | 7:09 PM ET | 01-02-2008