No, you are far from done. I'm not sure what the right words for encouragement are or any way to soothe you so I'll just say...we all love you and are here (even if it is only "cyber here").

Peace and strength,

Lori

Sent by Lori Levin | 8:18 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Thank you for your blog. I've been reading it for the past 6 months or so every day and it's been a source of strength for me. You and my best friend seem very similar in a lot of ways. So while he's going through his cancer treatments and won't or can't talk about it, I read your blog as an insight into his world, as though you can articulate some of his experiences for me. It really helps a lot. Thank you again and sincere wishes for a speedy recovery from your surgery.

Sent by Amanda | 8:23 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Dear Leroy,

I got a handicapped placard this year, and it's the source of much ambivalence.

My brain tumor was in the right frontal lobe, an area doc after doc kept referring to as "the quiet part of the brain." Well, it turns out that the right frontal lobe is responsible for, among other things, visual memory. Which means that remembering where I parked my car is sometimes a challenge. So the placard, allowing me to park close to the entrance, really helps.

If any of you see me getting out of my car, which I've just parked in the handicapped space, and are wondering just "how" I'm "handicapped" -- well, it doesn't show. So it makes me feel like I'm faking. Makes me want to wear a big sign on my back reading, "You can't tell, but I'm really handicapped."

Again, most of us don't look like we have/had cancer.

Sent by jordis | 8:34 AM ET | 10-15-2007

We do acomodate somehow. We make adjustments, figure out ways around things, and get used to what has become. I sometimes remember how agile I used to be when a kid, and how easily everything was to do. Age of course changes that, but so does surgery, and changes caused by cancer. Do we have a choice about weather or not to move forward? Not really. We have to hitch up our pants, and keep going.

Sent by Nancy K. Clark | 8:36 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Leroy,

Not by a long shot.

So, get crackin'.

Sent by Teri Thomas | 8:39 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Sounds like you may have had a pretty good week end Leroy. Yes, I know exactly what you mean about the vision. My biggest loss is in the upper left corner of my left eye. At first I used to see colored patterns, like a kalidescope. Doctors could not understand that at all. I felt it was the Artist in me trying to scream! Now,six mos later,the patterns are gone but I have a hard time shopping because, like you, my left field of vision is gone. I look at the grocery shelves and only what is on the right side. It appears to me as though the entire left side of the shelves is missing!
However, I did drive the other day, following my husband who was driving the car in front. I did fine but it is an un-easy feeling to realize that I cannot see a car or truck on my left side. Have to learn to constantly turn my head.
But oh Leroy, it does sound like you are progressing amazingly, as we all knew you would! This is simply a new challange that life has thrown at you.
I will paint once again, and you will drive, write, and visualize again.

Sent by J C R | 8:47 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Hi Leroy,

It's so good to have you back!!!

Sent by Rebecca Hawkins | 8:48 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Dear Leroy, It's great to hear your positive attitude today. I thought about asking if you were going to get a handicapped plaque. Sometimes it pays to play the "cancer card". I hope you are gaining control of your pain too as that makes things easier to handle. I have this dry eye thing that has affected my vision and people in stores keep asking me if I'm all right!
Also I need to thank several people and you Leroy for having this forum to speak our feelings. I was feeling very down and asked for support last week and received it. I want to thank CV, KATE FUEHRER, KERRY, SHEARA AND EILEEN PRUYNE - you helped me get through what I was feeling and gave me the enouragement to carry on, THANK YOU with all my heart and GOD BLESS. This is the best blog and has the most wonderful people - God bless you all.

Sent by Vicki (FL) | 8:54 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Wow, what a great post today Leroy. You inspire me.

This morning I start 10 days of radiation (the third time around) for the new spot on my left hip. I'm actually looking forward to getting it started today. I want to get this over with.

I was given a permanent handicapped permit last month. It lasts until 2012. Wouldn't it be great to still be around to have it renewed? I have found that at least half of the time the handicapped spots are already filled. That says a lot.

Thanks for the boost this morning, Leroy. It really meant a lot.

Sent by Laurel M. Jones | 9:03 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Good morning Leroy & everyone,
I think adaptability and flexibility is the foundation of strength. Not an easy task, but you definitely have it. It may not always feel like it, but you are a pillar of strength & inspiration.

Keep on, Leroy and thank you as always for mirroring our thoughts, which you do with such eloquence and that good ole' fighting spirit!

Sent by lisa | 9:07 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Dear Leroy,

It is so good to hear from you. I thought about you many times this weekend, hoping that the pain is lessening and wanting just to know how you are doing. Thank you for your honest, open sharing. It means so much. Your "e-friend"
Radha

Sent by Radha Speer | 9:09 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Good morning Leroy...Been thinking of you and Laurie over the weekend and wondering how you were doing!

Then in Friday's paper, I read a column by Susan Estrich, titled, "His Cancer." It is all about you and this blog. Very nice column. Hope you get to check it out - if you haven't already done so.

(www.creators.com)

I'm in the "still thinking about it" process of requesting a handicapped permit and resisting it - it's the pride, ya know? But as you say, we're not done yet - not by a long shot!

Sent by Vicky (NY) | 9:12 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Good Morning Leroy,

Dang right you are not done yet! Some adjustments to the revamped/remodeled you are indicated.

I cannot bend or get off the floor like I used to. That is life as you now know it. So, kick it up a notch, Leroy.

Sent by Sue Chap | 9:12 AM ET | 10-15-2007

I know what you mean about "one more thing" to remind us cancer has got some kind of hold on our life. When I couldnt do certain things it made me feel like I wasnt myself and was something less than. Now that i'm feeling better in some ways, and back to doing more things, i DO feel like i'm part of society again, i can function pretty well. Have some bad days but doing so much better. so i get what you are saying, but at the same time you deserve to take care of yourself now, and hopefully it wont last too long, I hope you can allow yourself to have that handicapped parking card, and let people wait on you and be good to yourself. Soon you'll be back to your old functioning self, but now, take it slow.
You'll feel that much better when you can do more again.
my opinion of course.... ;)
thanks for posting Leroy!
jenn from maine

Sent by Jenn | 9:15 AM ET | 10-15-2007

I don't look like a cancer patient, either. I am a large woman, and, once I get going, I move pretty normally. I want to put on a sign: Hey! I have incurable cancer! Do something about it so I can play with my grandchildren!

But I don't. I have a new, flashy, sparkly pink ribbon pin I try to wear, though.

Sent by Ruth from Virginia | 9:23 AM ET | 10-15-2007

You are a strong man Leroy.
I salute you.

Sent by Tim | 9:25 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Yes, we all do make adjustments for what cancer has done to us, and I know we all make the best of it, look for the silver lining, any potential for humor, etc. - but sometimes, just sometimes, I am just so damn tired of the adjustments, both physical and mental. When that happens, first I have a little pity party, and then, as Nancy Clark said, hitch up my pants and keep going. So Leroy, here's to us all hitching up our pants!

Sent by Gretchen Hoag | 9:33 AM ET | 10-15-2007

you keep going with that attitude. we are all behind you praying, sending you good positive thoughts. you gotta feel some of it. i was diagnosed with lung cancer, jan this year. mets to bone, ribs 8 and 10. 10-12 months to live. would be next month. i had 6 treatments, which ended 5/21. last vist to doc they did not even see shadows. sooo i see him in 3 months, and will have scan in 6. i am sure you have heard of visualizatin. and you have heard of louise hay. thank god the surg is behind you. know that you are in our thoughts and prayers. have the rosary out now. will offer it up for you.

Sent by bernie, from cape cod | 9:35 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Hooray for you. It didn't take you long to recognize you have a new blind spot and take positive action. How many people go through life never realizing they have blind spots of one sort or another and so they fail to take action.
You are a constant source of inspiration!!
Joan F

Sent by Joan F | 9:36 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Leroy,

I've been reading your blog since you started it. You and I were diagnosed at about the same time...me, ovarian cancer. I've been through 11 surgeries and two bouts of chemo...recurrance 18 months after the original diagnosis and treatment. You've been a poetic, strident and inspiring voice for all of us fighting this rotten disease. When people ask me for "insights" I send them to your blog. I guess I wanted to come out of the darkness of anonymous cyber-space and say you'll never really know how many co-travelers you have on this journey and how many send silent prayers your way every day. God give you strength to endure.

Sent by Kim Madsen | 9:42 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Thank you so much for this recent post. My usual kick-cancer's butt attitude waned a little this weekend and I needed a shot of inspiration. Like you, I refuse to get a handicap tag until it's absolutely necessary and that fact alone reminds me that, despite it all, I'm still strong and active.

Warm hug,
Kate
www.katethaxton.com/survivingpc

Sent by kate t | 9:44 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Hi Leroy,

I love your spirit. My father always says that when facing scary situations, you have two choices - either dissolve or rise up and deal with it. You are the truest example of the latter, Leroy. We are with you every step of the way.

Sent by Amy | 9:51 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Dear Leroy,
I know what you mean. I got my handicap hang tag in August. I didn't open the envelope for a week, then I carried it around with me for another week or two before I was willing to actually use it. Walking for long distances often leaves me bent over with abdominal pain, so I try to make short trips. And I am starting to look like a cancer patient. I think that has been the hardest for me. I have dropped another 15 pounds and am wearing the clothes my daughter has outgrown. I am scared to think of where this will take me if it continues. But I still just keep going the best I can, doing as much as I can, while I can. We went to visit the grandbaby last weekend and he is just such a joy! Every day is a gift.

Sent by Stephanie Dornbrook | 9:59 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Leroy,
You are truly amazing!! I told our minister about you yesterday and suggested that he subscribe to your daily blog. In the meantime, I continue to send positive thoughts and love your way! "The opera ain't over until the fat lady sings."

Sent by Lyn Banghart | 10:00 AM ET | 10-15-2007

I've been reading your blog for months -- you are one of our national living treasures, in my opinion! Your insights, bravery, sass, and wisdom have been such gifts to me. I wish there was something I could give you in return. Please know that you have a place in my heart. I send you love and courage each day. Thank you!

Sent by Daphne | 10:03 AM ET | 10-15-2007

I've never had to use a handicapped sticker, Leroy, but I expect I'd have the same reaction as you: "I don't need that; it's for those other people!" One thing cancer has taught me, though, is that it's OK to accept help from others. I expect that when (if?) the day comes when I need a handicapped sticker, I'll extend that learning to that situation, and say, "Sure, I'll hang that thing from my rear-view mirror."

Many of us - especially, us males - like to think of ourselves as strong, independent, self-reliant individuals: John Wayne on his horse, outlined against the sunset. It's all a hoax. We're not lone rangers. None of us. We live in community. And part of being in community is accepting help when it's offered, for all the right reasons.

So, accept the handicapped sticker. It says nothing bad about you to do so, and it says everything about a society that is (fortunately) not so hellbent on acquisition that we can't stop and help a neighbor now and again.

Carl
A Pastor's Cancer Diary
http://www.cewilton.blogspot.com

Sent by Carl Wilton | 10:05 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Another silent co-traveler here, just wanting to say: the number of written comments of strength and encouragement you receive, Leroy....multiply them by many to have an idea of the number of folks you touch, and who are behind you. And behind this whole community. Keep the faith, everybody.

Sent by Julie | 10:26 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Your spirit ROCKS!

Sent by Sarah | 10:44 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Oh Leroy, I can tell you are getting better. Your are so courageous!! I know this journey has not been easy> I know what you mean about the handicapped parking. I never want to have to do that. It just seems too much like being "sick". But it comes a point that sometimes we just have to surrender. Not the worst thing that could happen. I am encouraged by your post this morning!!!

Love to all,
Betty Lewis

Sent by Betty Lewis | 11:00 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Good Morning Leroy and All,

Leroy, I'm celebrating this morning's post! You sound so much better, your "can do" attitude is back! You are learning to compensate for your vision loss and you will learn more new tricks. Eventually, you will not even be aware that you are doing them, they will become second nature to you. My vision loss due to leaking blood vessels within my right eye came before my cancer diagnosis. It has improved some with laser treatments but normal vision is not likely. Like you, I do check it out frequently with the open-close routine. Is it as good as my other eye? NO. But we manage.

Leroy, the handicap placard will be necessary for the immediate future and as long as needed. You do not owe others an explaination. And it allows you to be more mobile in arriving at your destinations without becoming exhausted from long walks in the parking lots. It's not a sign of giving up, it's a tool that allows all of us, who need it, to stay actively involved in our activities of daily living. It helps us stay in the fight! To anyone who questions the use of a handicap placard by a cancer patient, I'm sure that any one of us would be more than happy to change places with the questioner to assist in their
education.

To Vicki, I hope you are feeling better today. We are with you, hang tough!!

To All, HOPE is what leads us to tomorrow and the STRENGTH we find in each other guides us along the way.
God Bless!

Eileen Pruyne
Charlotte, NC

Sent by Eileen Pruyne | 11:21 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Good morning, Leroy. It is so nice to have your words every morning. Don't feel bad about using a handicapped placard. My doctor let me get a temporary one when I started chemo. It was good for six months. I only used it once or twice. By the end of the six months I thankfully did not need it anymore. I have heard that here in California they don't really work any longer because too many people have them. I never question why someone who "looks healthy" has one because we all know you can't always see the evidence of health problems. However, I am still wondering about that handicapped license plate I saw on a big Harley Davidson!!!
I pray that your pain goes away and that your eyesight improves.
Charlotte in Temecula
P.S. Does anyone know anything about Medicare HMOs in Pennsylvania. I may be moving there in a few months.

Sent by Charlotte Kewish | 11:28 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Well, Leroy, I hope they give you a TEMPORARY sticker. Keep your chin up and please don't assume that it's downhill from here. You're recovering from major surgery! I'm sending some good vibes your way.

Sent by Marcia | 11:30 AM ET | 10-15-2007

oh , i feel better already! You go Leroy!!

Sent by cv | 11:45 AM ET | 10-15-2007

After all you've been through, you definitely get to have the handicap parking places, and you also get to use the early boarding disability on planes, not jst because of sight but because your back is still fragile. This isn't giving over to the beast, it's being practical to help you . You've been through a lot and deserve everything that can help you. Keep moving. I hope the pain is lessening.

Sent by Cherylene Lee | 11:50 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Hi Leroy and All,Your message today lifted my spirits. Thank you! Over the weekend when I was out walking, I was thinking about you and an old song kept playing in my head: Paul Simon's "Bridge over Troubled Water" -- the lines that go, "When darkness falls and pain is all around, Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down." I think that says what so many of us on this blog feel -- that we would love to be your bridge if only we could ease your pain.

Sent by Doris | 11:56 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Good Morning, Leroy. I don't look at my sticker as a win by cancer but as a win by me to keep going on with my life despite what this cancer wants to do to me. For me, it is an act of defiance. Hang tough.

Sent by glenda | 11:59 AM ET | 10-15-2007

Dear Leroy,
You sound so good today! It's amazing how the human spirit transcends adversity! I remember the terrible dread I felt before my double mastectomy. Reconstruction at the time of surgery was not an option and I was terrified of the moment when I would first see myself without breasts. I wasn't sure I'd ever cope well with my appearance. Miraculousy, it hasn't been too much of an issue, especially not right after surgery. Why, I couldn't tell you. I classify it a minor miracle in my journey. It's been 1 1/2 years since my surgery and I'm in no hurry for reconstruction and may never do it. Of course the changes in my life that occured because I don't have breasts are pretty minimal when compared to what others face. In fact, I have an advantage I never had before: I can do a lot more push ups than I used to! But it was a fear faced and conquered.

So while this desease does so many terrible things to us, let us not forget how it has given us a legacy of courage from which we can draw again and again and of which we should be very proud.

Fight on, Leroy! You have much to be proud of!

Sent by Jan Scholl | 12:14 PM ET | 10-15-2007

Leroy, Your Baa-aack! It's a joy to see how far you've come in just two weeks. Your last four sentences really do sum up your strength.

Sttephanie Dornbrook, Thank you for posting today. Your courage over the life of this blog continues to be inspirational. I think you have a sizeable fan club of your own in this blog-space.

Sent by Sheara | 12:19 PM ET | 10-15-2007

A while back you posted about your admiration for those in our military. Take a page from their book and "adapt and overcome".

My dad and my mother-in-law have handicapped parking permits because of respiratory difficulties. Not having to cross a parking lot can make all the difference in still being able to go somewhere. It's scary not to be able to get enough air. But without wheelchairs, to some people they don't "look" handicapped.

Psychologists say that those who adapt best to aging or illness are the ones who "do what you can, while you can", and roll with the punches. I think it's kind of a learned optimism, or maybe it's a Zen thing..."live in the now".

Here's hoping today is a little bit better than yesterday.

Sent by Celeste | 12:39 PM ET | 10-15-2007

You go, Guy! And use that handicapped sticker when you need to. I have one, and don't use it often. But I don't hesitate to whip it out when necessary.

Sent by Mary Z | 12:40 PM ET | 10-15-2007

Leroy, You sound much more positive today. I understand what you mean about the blind spot, my mother had that after her stroke and she had to learn to move her head accordingly to see everything. I used to prepare her food and when I brought her a plate she would say, there is no potatoes on here, I would say Mother turn your head and there they were. It's weird and takes awhile to get used to, I know. I understand how you feel, it's hard to accept the changes that happen, regarding the handicapped parking etc. Let's face it, all of us have to change and accept things we never even thought of before, it a bummer, but all things are relevant. It's life, everchanging but still life. I'm so happy that you are improving.

Sent by Ruth White | 12:41 PM ET | 10-15-2007

Great to have you back at it, Leroy. One day at a time, my friend.

Thank you, Vicky in NY, for the referenced Susan Estrich article. ???'Sneaky stuff, this cancer'...sneaky stuff, indeed. Today, I will not complain about anything...I don't read Leroy every day to learn how to die. That's not the hard part. I read it to remember how to live.???

Fabulous words to start the week.

Sent by Dianne in Nevada | 1:01 PM ET | 10-15-2007

This is to all who seem to look on the Handicapped signs and license plates as some sort of a shameful thing. Please do not do that. I am sure that a good many of us who follow and support Leroy here are users of these aids.
I cannot walk far or well because of spinal stenosis, I have restrictive lung disease, making breathing difficult, and six mos ago I too, had a stroke which affected my vision.
Yet, I do not LOOK like a Cancer, stroke, or a potential heart attack victim, either.
Leroy should not feel the least bit disabled to use one to get to where he is going. What should any of us feel ashamed of?

Sent by J C R | 1:14 PM ET | 10-15-2007

Leroy,
It's good to have you back. Not that we didn't appreciate Laurie and Ted but you know from the horses mouth and all. I am the caregiver and my husband is the fighter and he has some of your same fights. Last year it was a brain tumor (but prostate never goes to the brain) and vision losses and this year it was another brain tumor and more spots on the bones. He has never given in to the handicapped sticker and I certainly never bring it up. I see no shame in it because he was chosen by cancer not the other way around. I do the drop off or we walk as far as he can manage in defiance of this thing that constantly tries to win. I am so glad you are back to writing and it sounds like you are mending. Our prayers are with you and all the others.

Sent by kathie | 1:44 PM ET | 10-15-2007

Dear Leroy, Glad you are finding a way to deal with the latest and enjoy the handicapped sticker. Hope your pain is getting under control. Having a bit of trouble with my vision which was a side effect from radiation.
I also want to thank: CV, Kate Fuhrer, Kerry, Sheara and Eileen Pruyne for their support when I was feeling especially down last week. I know everyone out there is supportive and I feel better now with the enouragement to go on. THANK YOU ALL.

Sent by Vicki (FL) | 1:46 PM ET | 10-15-2007

Dear Leroy/All,

Since I have become a part of this "Living with Cancer" blog family, I have come to learn more and more about the pain, the fear, the sadness, and the increased anxiety and stress we all feel. But most importantly, I have come to learn that there is not a damn thing we can do about it. For the past week we have been focusing on the physical pain as well as emotional pain that you and your loved ones have endured. It just gets so frustrating at times because we are always trying so hard to push forward but, for some reason there is always one foot on the brake. But, you are an amazing man Leroy so just hang in there. You are an inspiration to us all. Thank you for being you.

Sent by sasha | 2:08 PM ET | 10-15-2007

Hey Leroy,
It is good to see you back in the saddle. The fill-ins were good but we would all rather read your thoughts. Look at it this way, the beast inadvertently is helping you, what with the impending winter looming on the horizon, you won't have to walk so far in the nasty elements when going to appointments and the like. Though, I do seem to enjoy even the lousiest of weather now. It's all good.
And to reiterate the sentiment...you are still just getting started. You are going to be around for a long time. Glad to see you back to being fiesty.
stay safe, stay strong
Lance

Sent by Lance Carlson | 2:10 PM ET | 10-15-2007

Dear Leroy,

You sound much better. The fight is back in your tone. This is so trivial, and there is no comparison of course, to what you're facing, but the "parking on Level 5, Row 72" really hit home today. Yesterday I went shopping for several hours in the same high heels I wore to church. I can remember wearing heels for 12 or more hours at a stretch. No more. I literally had to hobble back to the car. People in the parking lot were stopping to stare, as I moaned and groaned and leaned on my husband, with him encouraging me. And yes, it crossed my mind to remove my shoes, but, well.... it was a parking lot. A few more yards and it would've been a necessity. I thought to myself, "My, how times have changed". (1) that I can no longer do the things I once did, and (2) I no longer give a flying flip what all the people in the parking lot thought as I groaned my way to the car. That is very liberating, and more than compensates for the loss of my youth and ability to dash around parking lots in heels ad nauseum. My priorities have changed so much, especially in the face of cancer and it's effect on my family. Who cares about a sticker and some rude, clueless bystander who thinks you might not deserve one? You know, God knows, and that's all that matters. You're alive - hopefully you will be able to drive that car with the handicapped sticker; you will be able to get out and WALK a reasonable distance to wherever you see fit to go; and you are loved, and and cheered on by thousands of people whose lives you have touched with your courage and will to keep fighting. You're a constant inspiration. God Bless!

Sent by Connie E. | 2:45 PM ET | 10-15-2007

Here's a direct link to Estrich's column about Leroy:

http://www.creators.com/opinion/susan-estrich/his-cancer.html

I took the previous web address from the newspaper column and just now checked it out and it took a little bit of hunting to find the column, so for those of you who get frustrated searching, this will make it easier!

Sent by Vicky (NY) | 2:49 PM ET | 10-15-2007

Leroy
I'm so relieved that you have learned that there are many ways to "see". It's good to hear from you.

Sent by Fern | 2:57 PM ET | 10-15-2007

I am long time lurker and a first time poster..thank you for taking the time to write this blog. You will never realize the number of people you have helped by articulating what so many are feeling but have never uttered out loud.

Sent by Mendy | 3:01 PM ET | 10-15-2007

nope, you are not done! you should get a sticker, even a handicapped sticker. It's good to get a sticker when going through awful stuff.

That joke that was posted about falling down the stairs for and hour and a half was one FUNNAY joke. Wish I wrote it...

By the way, yes, cancer hurts, and it makes you feel sick. Even outside of the treatments. That has been my direct experience.

Keep on keepin' on Leroy. Blessings and regards.

Sent by Pika | 3:12 PM ET | 10-15-2007

From the tone of your entry today you sound so much better than a week ago. I can totally relate to the blind spots. I have permanent ones but my eyes/brain have compensated and I don't even notice them. Except when I'm playing tennis and a ball goes right through the blind spot. Then I feel like a moron, standing waiting for the ball that has just gone by me. You do need to be careful driving. I triple check traffic whenever I turn just in case some car is in that blind spot. I hope yours go away. Who needs to deal with one more problem besides cancer, right?

Sent by Marcia Greer | 3:16 PM ET | 10-15-2007

Leroy, All through my 4 year battle with lung cancer and now my struggle with a terminal lung disease (pulmonary fibrosis)I've tried to see something, anything, positive...A short time ago I got a handicapped placard for my car. My community is very small so it's no big deal. However, when I go to Anchorage, and take the placard with me I'm finding a whole different world. Anyone that has walked through a Wal-mart parking lot, the same for the super market, the mall, my favorite restaurant, the list goes on. I told my wife, "I could get used to this". I think we've earned it !!!!!

Sent by James Wallman | 3:50 PM ET | 10-15-2007

hey Leroy.
I was told to get a handicapped placard by my oncologist. I was dxed in 97 and that was not until 2001 that he felt I was having problems with balance due to radiation that he said *please consider getting one for your own safety* At the time for me there was no ands ifs or buts about it. That there were so many physical things going on. I just said fine. Now that I am doing well I hardly use the thing,unless its a bad day.

Its hard no one wants to think of themselves as handicapped. But I bet if you went it a room of people there are many you would never know that are.Invisible chronic diseases are out there and looking at us, people don't know what problems we have.

The stigma that comes with it sad really. Its meant to help us not hinder us. I certainly don't feel like a victim in anyway. I used the placard as a hand up in my time of need. Now if its a good day I leave the spot for those who need it more then I do. Thats okay to.

Why does it feel like one other thing thats changed your life? Cause its been a double whammy back surgery then the stroke on top of it. It is life changing and your dealing with it all at once.

But the key thing is Leroy, Your right..you are not done yet!! Not by a long shot. You will take it one day at time as you are right now and fight your way back..Just as you have before. Take it at your pace and take care of you.

Get the placard when your done with it..and your comfortable with your situation..Toss it in the glove box and don't use it. Nothing says its a permanent thing. Even if it is..its designed to help you so you can get out an do the things you love to do.As for what others think oh well.

Hang in there Leroy. Glad to see you back.
Kerry

Sent by Kerry | 4:04 PM ET | 10-15-2007

Vicki..Your very welcome! Kerry

Sent by Kerry | 4:10 PM ET | 10-15-2007

In spite of your challenges and necessary adaptations in your daily life, your spirit remains intact. That's the best thing for us to see in your posts. Cling tightly and fiercely to HOPE because it is the fuel that feeds our spirits.

My wife and I went to the Opening Ceremony for the 3 Day Walk (60 miles) for the Susan Komen Foundation this past Friday in Atlanta. What an emotional and inspirational kick-off for this walk. Our daughter raised the money and was one of the walkers. Each of the 2500 walkers has a story - the young, the old, the able bodied and the physically challenged, men and women, etc. were all there to walk in honor of or in memory of a loved one. Many breast cancer survivors were highlighted during this event to give HOPE to others in the fight. It was one of the most remarkeable events I've witnessed. The Closing Ceremony was even more inspiring.

This event reinforced for me the power of the human spirit to rise up in the face of extreme adversity to say that cancer may cause infirmities that I never imagined, may cause me to adapt and change parts of my daily life, may cause hardships beyond description for my family and friends BUT it will never take my spirit!

Leroy, continue to draw upon the prayers, good wishes and spirit of your community of bloggers to get through this difficult time. We'll always be here for you and Laurie.

Sent by Al Cato | 4:16 PM ET | 10-15-2007

Hey Leroy,

It's good to "hear" confidence and fight in your post today. I'm very glad to know you're still using your super powers for good!

XOXO

Sent by Katie | 4:20 PM ET | 10-15-2007

LOL...oh, Leroy, you made me smile today. ;-)

Nine or ten years ago, I tore my right ACL. I had to wear this full leg brace, and had the temporary handicapped tag that went with it. While on disability after having an intracerebral hemorrhage (four years before cancer), my doc gave me a handicapped sticker--but warned me "don't get too used to those good parking spaces because you won't need this for long!"

All through treatments and surgeries and recoveries, I never had a handicapped sticker...but man, there were plenty of days after the liver resection, or during the 48-hour chemos, when I sure wished I had that handicapped tag back. There were days when parking a football field away from the door to the supermarket meant I didn't stop. There were errands I didn't run on those days because I just didn't have the energy to walk in to the store AND walk around.

When I had the leg brace, it was pretty obvious why I had the tag--not so obvious after the stroke, since I never needed a cane or walker. But when you said "I didn't look like a cancer patient," all I could hear was that line from 'The Addams Family' about the little girl's Halloween costume...

'I'm going as a homicidal maniac--we look just like everybody else.'

(visibly) handicapped or not--
we look just like everybody else, Leroy. Thank you for the smile today! Here's one back at you!

Sent by Pat Steer | 4:21 PM ET | 10-15-2007

No, you are definitely not done yet!

I think of those little rewards (like parking stickers) as the free toys you get from the journey, just like you get at conventions.

So far, I have dress up breasts (prosthetics), a dog fighting glove (my lymphodema sleeve), dozens of little things (all pink). I do have a parking slip for the hospital where I get chemo but haven't earned my privileged parking pass for the grocery store yet. I do have pass we are all given upon diagnosis, the "get out of boring social function free" card, otherwise known as the "C" card (gee, I'd love to go but I'm not feeling well).

I can think of a million ways to use this to your advantage (I'm sorry honey, I didn't see my socks on the floor there or I would have picked them up).

Have fun, it's all we can do and it makes life worth living.

Sent by Karen D. | 5:59 PM ET | 10-15-2007

Hi Leroy,
Use that parking sticker with pride...It's a survivor badge. You're still here to have it and that's what counts!

Blessings,
Le

Sent by Lesa in MO | 6:49 PM ET | 10-15-2007

Would never have believed it if I hadn't watched it emerge in this blog today. What do we call this phobia about the "Handicapped Sticker" or should I say "stigma" No one is ashamed to admit that they have Cancer, but Lord Forgive that they would need to park in a Handicapped parking space and look like an invalid!
Vanity, thy name is MAN!

Sent by J C R | 6:59 PM ET | 10-15-2007

You are clearly facing this newest part of your cancer battle with characteristic courage, wit, insight, and innovation! All the best to you Leroy!

Sent by Karen Q. | 7:33 PM ET | 10-15-2007

You simply inspire me!!!!!

Hugs and more hugs,

K

Sent by Kay | 7:36 PM ET | 10-15-2007

Dear Leroy
what kind of an incredible thing is this immense network of people - reading your blog every day, praying, crying for and with you, hoping, entering into this vast cyberspace? ... it is amazing when I log into your site and see the hundreds of names and stories poured out raw. There is such strength in that. Such connection. Hold on!
Vicki

Sent by Vicki Wilke - Michigan | 10:00 PM ET | 10-15-2007

Hi Leroy,

Just a thought - I drive my folks where they want and need to go, (in their 90s, and disabled but still going) - and the handicapped permit makes a great big difference not just to them but to me, because I can't drop them off and then drive around looking for a parking space. It relieves a lot of my anxiety when I take them somewhere. Maybe it will be a help to whoever is lucky enough to get to drive you while you're not able.

Great to hear you sounding so strong - and staring down the beast again.

Sent by jeh | 10:21 PM ET | 10-15-2007

Absolutely agree...you are not done...you're such a fighter...continually rooting for you!

Sent by Cathy Q. | 10:38 PM ET | 10-15-2007

Leroy, remember, a setback just paves the way for a comeback. My Mom has a handicapped sticker - she really needs it but we also have fun with it. This summer we got into a concert that would have been impossible to park at without it. So...hang in there Leroy, you're right - you're not done by a long shot. Defiance gives way to wisdom...that's smart to me. Welcome anything that makes life a little easier - you have sure earned it. Hang in there and know your fan club is rooting for you.

Sent by Beth | 10:44 PM ET | 10-15-2007

Leroy,

I remember when I was in the midst of chemo and going to the grocery was a big deal. I was pale, balding, and hanging on to the cart. I would catch people staring and it kind of hurt because it reminded me that I was really sick. But I guess it is like the parking permit; it was most important that I feel a part of the regular world with the day to day chores, even if it was hanging from a cart. I think your attitude of strength, acceptance of change and drive to adapt are great. Hang in there.

Sent by Beth S. | 10:49 PM ET | 10-15-2007

I didn't mind my handicapped hangtag. It helped. I could swim, but I couldn't walk into the swimming pool building from the regular parking lot--too anemic and short of breath. One day a lifeguard, about 20, told me I didn't need the parking place, because I wasn't handicapped. Funny, I didn't even get mad. I just envied her for her youthful ignorance and pitied her for the hard time she'll have when she learns.
Thanks for your blog, Leroy. It helps.

Sent by Phyllis Schunck | 11:06 PM ET | 10-15-2007

Leroy, With age comes these sorts of things. We are cancer patients, but we don't look like we are. The beast got a small victory, but you are winning the War. Keep Swinging! Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 11:29 PM ET | 10-15-2007

Leroy,

Not done - and not done in, either. Glad for the show of spirit, glad that's the place you are with all that has happened to you. You are really something, you know that? I carry you in my heart.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 11:57 PM ET | 10-15-2007

Leroy, you are truly an inspiration to all cancer patients. Your upbeat, positive attitude is a blessing.

Cindy

Sent by Cindy | 5:17 AM ET | 10-16-2007

Leroy,
As they say down here in Texzs, lets kick some ass and win this fight. In 1965 thru 1970 I pushed wheelchairs on the Univ. of Texzs Campus. Now I ride in one. I have always respected Handicaped parking spots and now I use one. I am ashamed that I stared at those with little O2 tubes in their noses but now I wear one. LUNG CANCER SUCKS.... But your vision problems and your drive to COMPENSATE has REVIVED my DRIVE to compensate for low Oxygen Saturation, and Weak Muscles. I did 2 hours of Physical Therapy Monday morning and have now committed to work out on my own at home every day between PT at the outpatiient facility.
"Kick Ass" is my new battle cry....
Love You Leroy... Welcome back to the fight....

Sent by John Zizelmann | 5:35 AM ET | 10-16-2007

It sounds like the pain is not such a constant demon anymore. I'm glad. I've had to adapt to disability from treatment myself and, for me, it's just been another reminder of how adaptable we ARE when we have to be. If you'd told me beforehand that I wouldn't be able to eat most food I would have dreaded the day. I loved food. And yet most days it becomes part of a new normal that is not the entire focus of my day by any means. It's true, I can't eat to console myself anymore--instead I buy more music. Probably much healthier too.

Sent by N.R. | 7:01 AM ET | 10-16-2007

i know it sounds trite, and you have heard it before, but prayers, thoughts, positive vibes. imagine all your friends who have been praying for you showing up for halloween, in or out of costume. get the hot apple cider ready. enjoy today, it is a gift, we have never had before. just finished saying the rosary for YOU

Sent by bernie, cape cod | 9:31 AM ET | 10-26-2007

Leroy-
I'm thankful that you are stil around to to tell us of your suffering and I pray that you will be able to call yourself a cancer survivor one day. Remember that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger! I hope your vision has returned and becoming "normal" happens quickly. Stay positive so you get out of that hospital! Have the best weekend you can :o)

Sent by Jen, Nebraska | 6:11 PM ET | 10-26-2007