It is understandable that you are feeling down. We just wish we could fix it for you. Take care, Leroy.

Sent by Jen | 7:34 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Right on, Leroy. A very pertinent part of your blog is the honesty that permeates it. If you pretend to be feeling something you're not, it wouldn't ring true. Something would be missing/off, and we would instinctively feel it. You would likely feel bothered as well. You're darn right; having "down" days is part of the cancer experience and when you share a glimpse into your emotions, it helps us realize that when we, too, have those days (which we all do) we are not alone...and, most importantly, those days shall pass. Thanks, Leroy, for telling it like it is!

Sent by Karen Laven | 7:42 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy: I think you are doing just GREAT. You write this blog, and if that is the only thing you do in the day, you can be mighty proud. Even your "bad" days inspire me to move forward.

Sent by Helene Weingarten | 7:42 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy, don't worry about it! You don't owe your readers an upbeat attitude. Just feel what you feel and write about that. Your authenticity is why I read your column. Thank you for it.

Sent by jennifer | 7:46 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy,
as a cancer warrior, we all need to ven to each other, it is great that you get to do that, and it helps us to be real here, lets be real....the people that said you are sounding down, or negative, are not being real.
we are all down some days, and it is natural and for real, that is a shame you have to even justify yourself, Don't!
we understand, and we love that you are who you are, very real.
you get through each day the way that works for you, don't listen to anyone else, like we do.
keep being real Leroy!

Sent by Karen | 7:49 AM ET | 11-30-2007

I always appreciate your honesty and truth. I am praying for better days for you. Often it is just the passing of time, the healing nature of time that helps. You be who you are and what you feel. We are here in good times and in bad! Have the best weekend you can. Many blessings to you today for continued strength, courage and honesty!!

Sent by jmoyer | 7:52 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Hi Leroy = Please keep writing , and publishing, honestly. As I slog through cancer, I have some of those bad days too, and it helps to read another person's unvarnished take on what's really happening.

Sent by Ana | 7:53 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Dear friend:
I, for one, find your writings on days such as this especially moving and revealing, and thank you so much for being willing to let us look into your soul on these days.
A very dear friend is going through similar times right now. My gift to him and his wife is to copy your essay and send it on to them.
Whether you're in a period of feeling down or up, you are constantly giving and inspiring. Thank you for continuing to be willing to write to us each day.
You are remarkable and generous.
May you start, spiritually, to see some sunshine peeking through the clouds.

Sent by Harriet | 8:00 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Ok, this has struck a cord with me. I am really bothered by people saying that they dont want others to be down or depressed or sad. I feel more comfortable reading a blog that has real emotions in them. I've been to other cancer blogs/sites and they are so positive they seem super human. I can't relate to that. I am a person who is emotional and feels real emotions, the dark and the light. when i was going through my chemo treatments i kept hearing "be positive". i wanted to slap those people. This is a serious disease, not fun, not filled with joy and optimism. Yes, its good to wade through the mud and come out the other side, to have faith etc... but to be unrealistic and not honor the dark hard feelings?... in my opinion is toxic in itself. Ok, i'm done ranting.... :) thank you Leroy for being real with your feelings, i know it helps me tremendously.

Sent by Jenn | 8:06 AM ET | 11-30-2007

I also say that sometimes you just have to say, WHAT THE F$#@!!!!

Feel and sound any way you want. We're still here.

xo
L

Sent by Lori | 8:08 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy - thanks for being human. I personally appreciate the fact that I "hear" from you each weekday. I'd be more worried if I didn't.

We are all here for you and for each other through the good days and the bad.

That's what friends are for.

Sent by Marie | 8:09 AM ET | 11-30-2007

You're right, you have been sounding a little bit down and depressed. It's conforting to know that you are human. Now, I can relate to you. I was beginning to think that you had super hero powers. We appreciate you're honesty. Say whatever you want Leroy, we're not going anywhere, yet!
Peace to you.

Sent by Anita | 8:12 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Dear Leroy,
You have bought and paid for the right to feel however you feel! Some of us, the lucky ones, haven't. Those of us who go through each day with only the usual pains of getting older just need to be thankful for those days, and maybe allow others who are not so fortunate to draw on our strength. I wish I could share my luck with you, and I hope you have a good day, or at least a day better than your yesterdays.

Sent by Cindy in Virginia | 8:15 AM ET | 11-30-2007

As I've read your recent blog entries I would agree that yes, you sounds depressed. But isn't that normal? Is there some sort of obligation to remain chipper at all times while enduring a painful and often terminal illness? Hardly seems realistic to me.

But it did get me thinking about what does make us happy in our lives. And it left me with two questions-

when is depression a rational and reasonable response?
is the source of depression having to give up (or at least limit) your career and other pursuits when you are ill, feeling miserable in your body and worrying about the future, both, or something else?

Sent by Anna | 8:21 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Dear Leroy,
Thank you for sharing how you really feel. It is very courageous of you. I follow your story with interest and want to hear how you are. You have increased my empathy with others who live with cancer.

Sent by Ann | 8:23 AM ET | 11-30-2007

I know it's hard for you but I can't tell you how much you posts mean to me. I've had days when I feel low and not wanting to go on. You're right those feeling come and go. But mostly they go when I allow them to come up and out. You've been through a lot and it's not easy, in spite of it all your sense of humor always pops out. Let yourself be. You're in my prayers-Becca

Sent by Rebecca Hawkins | 8:23 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Hi Leroy -- I, for one, want to hear your voice through the entire range of emotions about how it is to live every day with cancer. I am too often put on a pedestal by those around me who seem to feel that I'm supposed to go through this experience with a constant positive attitude and smile on my face. That's not the reality. It's also much much easier to feel positive and upbeat when you're feeling well; feeling more like yourself. When you're feeling crummy physically, you feel crummy emotionally. That's just the way it is -- for everyone. It's extremely hard to "put on a happy face" when you just don't feel well. I am hopeful that the day will come quickly when you feel more like yourself and, I promise you, your spirits will rise once again. I hope that all of your loyal readers will be patient until then and will support you through both your ups and downs.

Sent by Elena W. | 8:24 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy,
Just remember that you can do all things through Christ who gives you strength.

Sent by Ann Adams | 8:31 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy,

If shoulds and musts were candies and nuts, we would all have a good day.

There is no law of the universe that says that you should never be depressed.

I for one am glad that you give your humanness permission to be, in all its multifaceted dimensions. Is every facet of a diamond a mirror duplicate of the other, or does their exquisite artistry lie in juxtaposing each other?

If you were always a pillar of strength, to be honest, I wouldn't trust the veracity of your posts. I would believe you were telling us what you thought we wanted to hear, that you were appeasing us, and that you were being disingenuous.

It makes us feel good to be your pillar of strength sometimes. It's our language of love.

Sent by Leonard from Alabama | 8:33 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Morning Leroy. Last day of this month and the last day of the week. That means we won't hear from you till December! Will miss you and hope these next two days do much for your spirits and outlook on life. I would not have you "hiding" or being anybody but yourself with your true feelings in your messages. Cancer is an "in your face" kind of disease and we must tackle it's challanges the same way.
You have given us much to contemplate Leroy and that is good. Keeping the mind active will encourage the body's healing.
We enjoy you just the way you are with your true thoughts and observations. By the way, how is your vision after the stroke? Looking forward to Monday, have a good weekend!

Sent by J C R | 8:33 AM ET | 11-30-2007

I agree with those who tell you to post what you are really feeling - and I think your readers expect that. Caring about someone, even someone you have never met, means listening to the good and the not so good. After all, we all have "those" days and we get through, over or around them.

Sent by Elizabeth | 8:38 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy, I'm glad to hear you admit to some down days. One of the biggest pains -- and one reason I like reading your blog -- is the always upbeat, can-do, spiritual web sites where everyone is happy/happy, believing in miracles etc. As a result, if you're not feeling quite so happy or optimistic, you feel even more alienated. My husband and I expect to feel different than our friends and relatives who aren't dealing with this crap. But it's really awful if we feel alienated, too, from the "cancer community." It's a pain in the butt having to feel like some kind of cheerful role model when you feel anything but. I apprecite your candour about the bad stuff.

Sent by Teri | 8:39 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Absolutely........we cannot always been on top of the world, when the dreaded disease has settled in our bodies. It is our "right" to tell how we feel, as we can't constantly feel great. Write as you feel Leroy. It does all of good to know we are not alone, and our "down" days are okay too.
Maddy

Sent by Wanda Amorose | 8:41 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Hello Leroy,
I wanted to inform you that I have found what you have been writing about to be very close to my feelings and I have either currently or have experienced all those thoughts and more in fighting this cancer. You have helped me immensely by being honest and knowing someone else is having the same feelings, pain, and thoughts. I too am now going through a period of negativity. Lack of sleep, consistent Pain, and the thought of where the cancer has spread to next. Please continue your writings expressing what you are feeling and experiencing. Best wishes for better days!

Sent by Don Cornwell | 8:55 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy,

Yes, you have sounded sad/depressed for a bit. Like others, I appreciate the honesty with which you write the blog - so if that's the way you feel, then that's what you write. And we your readers learn from it.

That said, I hope things take a turn for the better for you. I hope the pain subsides and you heal.

I continue to pray for you.

Sent by Geoff | 9:00 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Letting people knnow that this is a depressing, scary disease is so important. It just may debunk the myth that "if I am positive and make you feel ok, things will be ok". The emotional side of this monster is rarely treated. When I am asked how I am doing I try really hard to answer with honestly. I think about all the survivors to come and am hopeful others will better understand their plight.

Sent by Patsy | 9:04 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Anyone who has had cancer or another such illness understands the down times. I remember when I was about to begin treatment. One friend gushed to me about a cruise she was soon to take. I wanted to say, "Well, I'm going to have chemotherapy! Isn't that exciting!" I felt very sorry for myself, indeed. It's only normal to have down days.

Sent by C. Eckert | 9:11 AM ET | 11-30-2007

We cancer warriors cannot be positive every moment. I respect your authenticity and would not read your blog if I felt I could not relate to you. We have our times of being inspiring or heroic, and that is enough.

Sent by Karen Q | 9:19 AM ET | 11-30-2007

obviously ..those "other" opinions are coming from persons that have never been through what you are going thru....walk a mile in our shoes..before you speak your mind about how a "cancer" patient should be feeling......

Sent by marianne dalton | 9:20 AM ET | 11-30-2007

My dear Leroy:
PLEASE !!! We are only human and we have to endure so much that we have the RIGHT to feel down ! As someone with 106 days of remission ( who's counting??) I actually look back and wished I had allowed myself "more honesty " and break down when I wanted/needed to. But I wanted to hold a strong front for my family/small children.
So JUST SCREAM AND SAY WHAT THE F%^&***! You have that right. .we all have!
take care
with love
francesca , zurich Switzerland

Sent by Francesca Gessmann | 9:26 AM ET | 11-30-2007

You feel how you feel. Everyday isn't sunny and I appreciate your honesty.

Sent by Paul | 9:28 AM ET | 11-30-2007

I find each and every entry to be an inspiration. None of us truly knows how anyone else feels unless they are walking their "path". Keep fighting the good fight. Praying and thinking of you every day.

Sent by Julie | 9:28 AM ET | 11-30-2007

I'm sure there are those who would have loved to see this blog be a story of a cancer patient who found miraculous cures and went on to live a fulfilling life but this has always been about reality. You have shared the good times and the small victories and now we are seeing the reality of the disease. There are bad days and sharing them, at least I think, should be a part of this. We all hope things improve and physically and emotionally you feel better but that journey, with its ups and downs are a part of the story.

Sent by Dona | 9:34 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy...your honesty keeps us from feeling so terribly alone. In remembering those very hard, and very sad days during the worst of my treatments, I came upon a Rumi poem that I still regularly read in my toughest moments.

Birdwings

"Your grief for what you've lost lifts a mirror
Up to where you've been bravely working.
Expecting the worst, you look, and instead,
Here's the joyful face you've been wanting to see.
Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes
If it were always a fist or always stretched open,
You would be paralyzed.
Your deepest presence is in every small contracting
and expanding,
The two as beautifully balanced and coordinated
As birdwings."

Seems to me it's the same message that you told us your friend said to you once..sometimes you just have to get beat up! Namaste, Rebecca

Sent by Rebecca Bauder | 9:35 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy -- I just returned from my meditation group (Buddist) and our discussion is was similar in a way. It started with,"when I'm [blank] I can't meditate." Our leader said, "Ah, but that is when you should meditate, because it isn't about recreating peace, it's about observing what is...whatever that is."

Thank you for your post. Thank you for sharing...whatever the day may bring.

Peace to you.

Sent by Elaine Barnes | 9:36 AM ET | 11-30-2007

You know Leroy, someone always has to be pillar of strength, support others, and ultimately deal with their own feelings or emotions by themselves. Why do I know this, because I am that person too.

It makes it hard for us to admit we need help or that we are having an off day. At times, I just say, I am not in a very good place today. So, if that is case, it's ok, really because friends, family, and fellow bloggers will understand, seriously.

Sent by Sue Chap | 9:41 AM ET | 11-30-2007

I had decided I would let your words speak for themselves without any comments from me on those days you mention. My G-d, I'm impressed you put anything on paper! I had found my writer's voice in a 17 year old girl, Ronni, and complete (a very rough) first draft of my Young Adult novel. Then I was diagnosed with kidney cancer, November 2005. I've been, sometimes desperately, searching for Ronni ever since. I am, I don't know the right word--awed? each day when I see that you found words to put down for us to read. If you were writing about others and finding good in things that there simply isn't a whole lot of good in, I think I would stop believing your words.

Thank you for giving me something to look forward to, nearly every day, to remind me to keep looking for Ronni. I want to have my first novel published. That would mean finishing it.

Thanks for your honesty, and if you feel bad, mad, or whatever else cancer makes us feel, writing it down and letting it go is the best thing anyone can do.

love,
Wendy Murphey

Sent by Wendy Murphey | 9:49 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Hey Leroy,

I totally understand your perspective. We are the only ones who DO understand so just let it all hang out, in whatever way you feel it should. I consider this my safe zone and I hope you all do.

Thanks for hanging in there with us Leroy and thanks for sharing the real you.

Sent by Sarah Senter | 9:50 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Dear Leroy,

You have every right to feel down. Please don't feel the need to apologize for that. I hope something good happens to you very soon soon that will lift your spirits.

Jane

Sent by Jane | 9:52 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy
Thanks for expressing so eloquently what we're all thinking. Of course we're entitled to feel down sometimes. I find it amazing that you don't feel like this more often. But the sun is shining here today and TGIF. So look out at your trees and enjoy the day.

Sent by Miriam | 9:57 AM ET | 11-30-2007

BE WHO YOU ARE,
SAY WHAT YOU WILL,
AND WHEN IT'S OVER,
WE WILL LOVE YOU STILL......
You and Laurie have a good weekend and will look forward to hearing from you next week. God Bless

Sent by Teresa in WV | 10:02 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy, You write this blog so that people can see what it's like to experience what you going through. If you're down and it's reflected in your writings, then so be it. Like you said, you're only human. I think you have every right to feel the way you do and I admire you and your strenghth. You're a fighter so go for it. I wrote you sometime ago to thank you for the "gift" you had given me. That gift being the ability to be a friend to two people in my life that we dying of cancer. The little boy passed two weeks ago and my sister-in-law passed yesterday. Please know, that without you, I would not have been able to be there for them and their families. You're precious and will always have a place in my heart. I think about you everyday and pray that you will begin to feel better very soon. Judy

Sent by Judy (Suwanee, GA) | 10:04 AM ET | 11-30-2007

I'm glad you share the whole spectrum of your emotions . . . I lost my husband at the young age of 57 (after 36 years of marriage) to cancer in February. I find your journey enlightning . . . it sometimes gives me insight into what he was probably feeling when he was unable to share his thoughts even with me. I have often forwarded you emails to those who have loved ones dealing with cancer so they can understand more clearly some of what they are going through . . . I'm hoping it will make their time together the best it can be.

I pray you will find remission and although as you say life will never be the same after hearing you have cancer, I hope it will be made better as you are able to prioritize what is really important and live each day fully.

Sent by Kathy | 10:08 AM ET | 11-30-2007

You are allowed a pityfest any time - indulge. If you can't share your feelings with others in the same boat, who can you share them with? I don't read your column necessarily to cheer up (though it often does do that) but to know I'm not alone and to feel part of a bigger group - those affected by cancer. You mentioned in a previouis post life going on around you and feeling apart from it - this column helps me feel less separate from life. Even though I can get out, I still feel "distant" from others. My friends at lunch yesterday talked about retirement plans and buying cabins in the mountains. I just listened and nodded. That's a discussion I just couldn't fully participate in. So Leroy, please don't feel you have to put on a happy face for us.

Sent by Marcia Greer | 10:11 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy; I have been reading your blog since day one, even on your down days your words are an inspration to those that dont know if they can go on with the fight.Leroy it's not the winning or lossing that is important but how you played the game. God Bless

Sent by Robert Miille | 10:16 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy,

It's good for you to vent your frustrations. My sister is battling the same demon you are and I tell her to gripe all she wants and not be down on herself for it. I empathize and help her by listening to her. I think it's good for her.

Sent by Carol in Texas | 10:17 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy,I'm glad you can speak realistically about your experience. The cancer experience is an emotional roller coaster and we need to go with those down feelings to go somewhere else. When we were in Boston visiting our son, we saw someone wearing a "Cancer Sucks" t shirt. Couldn't have been said better--we gave him a big thumbs up.

Take good care. We are all with you here. betsey

Sent by betsey kuzia | 10:17 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Hi Leroy,

You have every right to feel the way you do and to express that. We share that with you, the good and the bad.

Lianne

Sent by Lianne Friedman | 10:23 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Here, Here, Leroy!!

I've recently been fighting off my general care practitioner who wants me on anti-depressants.

"Just to bridge the gap," she says.

I have succumbed ever so briefly. They only made it worse. I've been trying like mad to lose the last 12 pounds of the nearly 40 I gained through this ordeal. I realize that probably means more to the women, but these drugs make me gain weight at break-neck speed. Now, that is more depressing to me than almost anything I am struggling with. You know, looking good is half the battle, right??? Ha! or Ho-Ho-Ho!

With my last visit to the scale, I dropped those drugs cold turkey. I believe it's alright to be in touch with the events of my daily life. I completey agree, Leroy, that we just have to dig deeper for the strength.

I'm with you and if you sounded positive all the time, that really would make you a fraud. We all know each day is different, it helps to know others are facing it and can still move forward.

Thank you for your honesty. It is a source of strength for me anyway.

Take care,
Kathy Bero, Wisconsin

Sent by Kathy Bero | 10:23 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy,
Yes you have sounded a little down in he last few days but you are entitled! My husband is fighting thru chemo now and blood levels are dropping so treatments get cancelled and physically he can hardly manage getting dressed but he refuses to give in. Doctors offer him anti-depressants but he has refused so far thinking he doesn't need them. That's a very personal decision but sometimes getting help isn't a judgement that you aren't handling your situation. I know you have good and bad days and sometimes you do have to give in and wallow a little to get back up and move forward. I wish you good days ahead and for everyone else as well.

Sent by kathie | 10:24 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy- please please know that everyone just wants to hear from you. If you don't sound depressed at times I will worry that yu've really gone over the edge. It is you and your honest, humorous and painfully told story that we appreciate. Last night I heard a good quote. You might know what you're giving, but you don't know how people are receiving what you give. Leroy, you help so many people- I think you have no idea what you do. Just ocntinue to be yourself- dark moods and all.

Sent by linda h. | 10:26 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy,
It's being "real" that we expect from you. The reality sometimes sucks. That's ok. Have you ever noticed buildings with "pillars" never have just one. Pillars of strength are strong because they share the burden. Be sure you don't try to hold it all up by yourself.

Sent by Sandi Li | 10:28 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy~ I don't have cancer but am depressed myself over other situations in my life. Coming here everyday makes me feel a bit better. Makes me appreciate my health. I like honesty and real people, like you. Always tell us the truth and we absolutely get it. We don't want the candy coated blog. Hope you have a decent weekend or better.

Sent by DiAnn | 10:32 AM ET | 11-30-2007

My goodness, Leroy, if you can't tell us you feel down, who can you tell? ALL of us know what you are dealing with and suffering from and looking for. Just remember you're safe with us. Be sad, be happy, be wistful, be lazy, be Leroy! we will be here no matter what.

Sent by glenda | 10:33 AM ET | 11-30-2007

You have to be real. I'm always more worried about the person who presents chipper 24/7. That's not real. Good for you at being honest with your feelings. As you said, we always come out of it.

Sent by Lisa | 10:39 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy,
I imagine that sharing not-so-upbeat messages is an important part of this blog. People who are having bad days or depression need to know that they are not alone. I also think that releasing anger and frustration helps the body and mind heal. Thank you for sharing all sides of living with cancer.

Sent by Beth S. | 10:41 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Dear Leroy,
This blog is hopefully for you as much as it is for everybody else. I would hate to think you felt compelled to be "on" all the time in order to spare your readers. I have read your blog for the last year precisely because of your honesty. I wish my mother had been given the opportunity to write about her true feelings during her experience. She put on a brave face for everyone, and I have always wondered what went through her mind at night, when she was alone. Please don't stop sharing your thoughts, whatever the tone.
tc

Sent by tina simpson-collins | 10:44 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Hi Leroy,
We have all had these down days. It is good to be able to share the feelings here because in other parts of our world we can't. We are all entitled to our feelings. No one else has the right to tell us how we should feel.
I hope you have a comforting weekend. How about ordering out for a Philly Cheesesteak? Do a few little things you enjoy and take good care of yourself!
Charlotte in Temecula

Sent by Charlotte Kewish | 10:44 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Dear Leroy: remember when you wrote recently about how nice it was to be able to drop the facade and fall asleep while your friend who had driven a long way to see you was visiting with Laurie? Well, it's the same thing here - - we are all your friends, and we all understand, and we all WANT you to be, and to share with us, exactly how you're feeling. I think that all of us who've been down this cancer journey know that it's "easy" for someone to be with you when things are "good"; but it's a real privilege to be standing alongside someone who will honor you by sharing how they really feel, from their heart.

Please keep sharing all of that with us. We care about you for YOU - - I dont think any of us are reading this just to get platitudes about "being positive" etc. We are all in this together, "for better or worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and health," as the saying goes.

Thank you for allowing us to walk with you in this journey.

Sent by Suzanne in Houston | 10:48 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Hi Leroy - when i first started to read your blog, i thought about you a lot throughout the day in the context of journalism rather than cancer. I think the best writers offer the most genuine glimpse of the human experience. You do your readers a tremendous service in offering the honesty of your experience, for better or for worse. I admire you because you are trustworthy, real, and relatable and I know it is more courageous to be honest than to maintain any sort of facade. I have read your blog on days when you feel down and on days when you seem extremely positive. These emotions are the human condition, with or without cancer, so when writing of the emotional highs and lows, you are reminding your readers that you and they, in spite of cancer's hell, are still very much alive and engaged. I admire you (and laurie too) so much and I hope your day improves.

Hugs, liz

Sent by liz hamilton | 10:52 AM ET | 11-30-2007

What you set out to do with this blog is chronicle your experience living and dealing with cancer. It aint pretty a lot of the time, but it's honest and real. That's a lot to give to a zillion folks you don't know. Sharing "the all of it" is a gift to your readers. When things are rough, we just know to pray more and hold you more tightly in our thoughts.

Sent by Leslie Erickson | 10:55 AM ET | 11-30-2007

We do not expect superman...just Leroy-man. Don't think you can't wallow in selfpity sometimes...we all do. Roll around in it, splash it around, then get out of it, dry off and forge ahead. Allow yourself to be a broken human right now. Later, you will be a fixed one.
Liz - the organizer ( thats what I am today)

Sent by liz zimmerman | 11:02 AM ET | 11-30-2007

The really special part about your blog is your ability to honestly and candidly speak about what's happening for you. It's hard to talk candidly about suffering, and less hard to be able to fully take it in and let it be what it is. My thoughts are with you during this very hard time. Some of the worst parts of illness for me was how disabled I felt, and how depressed I got, thinking that my inability to do many things would last for the rest of my life. I was lucky, it didn't (fully) last, but one day, I know disability will probably come home to roost. So, I hear you. This too shall pass...change...

Sent by marsha | 11:02 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy you have every right to feel depressed and feel sorry for yourself your???ve earn it no one knows what???s its like if they haven???t been their done it. Hey we want to feel down with you just remember you are not along your blog friends are with you all they way good and bad. I know first hand what you are going threw hey folks pain no fun thinking about cancer in the old body well that speaks for itself so Leroy write away your friends are their for you even tho we haven???t met I feel like I know you hang in their from this ole southern girl Carolyn

Sent by Carolyn | 11:04 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Feel how you feel and get through this how ever you can. The kind of extended physical pain you're experiencing brings with it sadness, depression, anger. That's to be expected, really. Anesthesia alone can cause depression.

Hang on. The drain will be out soon and that alone will improve your outlook enormously.

Sent by Gyla | 11:06 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Dear Leroy, Thank you for your honest writing - all of it - I read every word. It has helped me through the past year after being a caretaker for my father. Your writings about those who support you have deeply touched and comforted me. Thank you.

Dear Nikki, I thought this only happened to me. I am sorry for your additional loss of your family pet. Weeks after I lost my mother to breast cancer in 1992, we lost our elderly dog, and while caring for my father, who lost his battle with lung cancer last year, I had to make the tough decision regarding our current older dog, without even getting home to say goodbye. Surely I felt cursed. So, I understand in some small way what your family is dealing with and I send my love and sympathy.

Thanks to all who contribute to this blog. Your posts have touched me and helped me so much.
Cathy

Sent by Cathy | 11:10 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy,

Some people cannot live in this world without sugar coating reality.

I find your ability to write with honesty rare and refreshing. It inspires me and helps me feel sane and less alone with what I am experiencing adn what I also express to others.

I'm hoping your will to fight all the battles you are currently enduring continues and that you reap the benefits soon.

Janet

Sent by Janet Nafissi | 11:10 AM ET | 11-30-2007

I think you are allowed to feel how ever you want to feel. When you are down we are here to life you up, when you are happy we are there to cheer along with you.

You've shared so much with us, and I'm glad that you've been so honest. You have no idea how this has affected me.

Sent by Heather | 11:12 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy,

The sharing of your down days is what enables the rest of us to feel okay about our own down days. Thank you for this gift of honesty. For me, it is what makes your blog valuable and real.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 11:15 AM ET | 11-30-2007

I completely agree that this should be a safe place where you and others can tell it like it is and be real. Most of us who read daily and pray for you can't help but do our best to lift your spirits and try to boost your inner strength when you are in a bad place. It's a helpless feeling to know that anyone, but especially someone wonderful, is suffering. Posting support and praying is just about the only thing we can do from here - but I always worry a little bit whether posting uplifting encouragement makes you feel like you have to take on the added burden of being strong or give you the message that you are not doing well enough as an example for others. Well I hope not, because that is so far from the truth. Uplifting messages are just an expression of caring from people who are helpless but want to do something to ease your suffering and are not at all a judgement or demand.

Sharing all of your days, including your most difficult days is so brave and is what makes you and this site so precious to so many of us. Your honesty is particularly helpful to family members and friends who love someone that has cancer. You help us to Imagine and better understand some of the things they might be going through. Things they might not be willing or able to express or even look at.

You are touching hearts and changing the world with this little blog and your instincts are right on.

THANK YOU AND BLESS YOU!!!

Sent by Nichole in FL | 11:16 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy,
If your intent was to take the temperature of this audience, I think you have your answer.
We read your posts because you are a journalist, not a cheerleader. Any honest chronicle of someone's experience with cancer will include plenty of challenges, bad news, setbacks and generally discouraging events. To omit these things and the psychological toll they can take is to sanitize the experience beyond recognition. We don't need an infomercial for cancer. We need you to be genuine with us as you have been all these months. It even makes us feel a bit useful to you if we can be an empathetic ear to vent to on a tough day.
Lord knows, you have been through the wringer and to appear unaffected is a hard condition to relate to.
Wishing you and Laurie some measurable relief soon.

Sent by Gene Koeneman | 11:22 AM ET | 11-30-2007

I think it is courage to let people know your true feelings. Your honesty is also comforting to all of us -- allowing us to feel that it is okay to cry, to feel sorry for ourselves, and to show our weakest moments. I think to hold these feelings all inside will not help the healing/fighting/surviving process. So by all means, Leroy, be honest. We are all here for you. Whether you are up or down, you are still our pillar of strength.

Sent by grace | 11:30 AM ET | 11-30-2007

ps: I just wish I could give you a big hug and make it all go away.....

Sent by grace | 11:31 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Hi Leroy:
I did think you sounded down lately, but I chalked it up mostly to the depression that often follows major surgery. I'm no doctor but I've heard about this phenomenon (depression after the physical 'assault' of surgery) from a lot of people. I experienced it myself after exploratory abdominal surgery. Others thought I should be happy to be getting well again but, instead, I was in such a funk that I was known to weep at sentimental TV ads!

Hang in there, man. You're not alone and you won't always feel this badly.

Good vibes from your Canadian e-friend...

Sent by Nancy Boomer | 11:36 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Dear Leroy,
You have every right to feel down or sad. This journey is about you and your feelings, not about anyone else. We are all here, praying for you. This is your time to vent, not to try and make others feel better. My prayers and thoughts are always with you.

Sent by Elaine B | 11:37 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Those of us who have bad days need to hear that bad days happen to everyone. It's too hard to always be the positive hero. Your honesty helps a lot. Meanwhile, take special care of yourself during the hard times. Thanks for writing and writing the real stuff.

Sent by Kate Murphy | 11:39 AM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy, Days pass sometimes and I look back and see so very little that I got done. It is very frustrating to be robbed of your ability to just work. But we have to get well too, and that is work. I really don't like the Cancer World. Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 12:28 PM ET | 11-30-2007

I think when you show us your genuine feelings, including during the inevitable times of sadness or depression or fear, that makes everyone else on the blog know it's okay to share that kind of feelings here, too. One thing that slightly bothers me, though, is that everyone (including me) then responds with relentless "cheering up" comments. It's well meant, of course, but we all know that"think positive!"isn't always a solution in Cancer World. Being realistic and just saying, "That sucks!" or "I'm depressed/angry/scared, too" might be a better response. Sorry if I'm rambling, and I definitely don't mean to be critical of anyone. This does seem to be a recurring theme, though.
I hope the people who have run out of treatment options will still feel comfortable coming here to share their feelings, no matter how negative they may be on some days.It isn't always possible to be upbeat -- but we're all still "family."

Sent by Doris | 12:46 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Please retain your candid and honest writing style, LeRoy. For me, that is why I read all your blog entries. I was treated for breast cancer in 2001 and consider you as part of my support system. I hope you receive as much from doing this blog as I receive from reading it. Hang tough...seek joyful opportunites.

Sent by Lori | 12:48 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Dear Mr. Sievers: So you have "down" days, too. I was beginning to wonder if you had superhuman strength that I don't.

You see, my "down" days consist of worrying about my decision not to undergo chemotherapy again. The tumors in my lungs have exploded into life and my prognosis has dropped to six months.My oncologist wants to put me on a drug called Alimta. The possible side affects read like a cast of characters in a horror show. Does my decision make me a "quitter"? This is my concern and the cause of my "down" days. Or have I made peace with myself and become more accepting?

Please continue to be human and write it like it is. As some of the contributors have stated above, we would sense if you were sugar coating your blogs. That's not what we want to read. We want the real unvarnished Leroy Sievers we have come to know and, yes, love.

Brenda from Everett, WA

Sent by Brenda Lynch | 12:50 PM ET | 11-30-2007

What would be the sense to mask what you are going through. I want to know how you really are, and to know that I am not alone in my misery and hopelessness at times. I read in some of the cancer literature that it was called Chemosobby. I admire your courage and honesty and appreciate the effort you are enduring to get your message to me each morning. You are like my mantra. My prayer for the day for all of us.
When I open my computer each morning I bless you when I see you were showing up another day. Love Peg

Sent by Peg Heglund | 12:55 PM ET | 11-30-2007

YOU GOTTA BE YOU!!!! Like the song says!
And we love you man!
Thanks for the authenticity and insight.
Just do the next thing..keep moving forward.

Sent by Bethann | 1:08 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy, I am a 5 month survivor of Lymphoma, and its a very weird feeling, but I too have felt "sorry for myself" like you mentioned. Its almost like looking at myself as another person, and really just feeling bad for me and what I've gone though. The thing is though, that feeling is totally natural, normal, and necessary. I think what we are feeling is actually grievance... for who we were... for what we lost... grieving because the old us is gone and we will never be the same. We lost our innocence, but have become a new person, and in many ways a better person. But this feeling sorry for ourselves is a normal process. When someone dies, you grieve. Well, we are grieving for ourselves. So who cares what others think of how you are sounding/feeling. You are having all the right emotions, in my opinion. I'd say if you didn't have them, something is wrong.

Sent by Christina L | 1:17 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Well, I think the tribe has spoken, Leroy. We love you for your joyful spirit when you're feeling it and we love you for your candor when things are sucky.
Part of the wonder of this blog is the freedom you give me to have and express my feelings (to myself and others) whatever they happen to be.
I can't tell you what a gift that's been!! Bless you, my friend. Anita

Sent by Anita Solomon | 1:21 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy, I am refreshed by your candor; it facilitates my own freedom to feel and express a whole range of reactions. It's hard enough to feel depressed but to pretend otherwise is the real road to isolation. Again, thank you for your honesty. Salee

Sent by salee | 1:24 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy, you have gone through so much,endured so much pain and through it all you have been so strong. You have an entire "other" family out here that is praying that each day will be a little better until one day, very soon, there will be no more pain. We are all with you!

Sent by Pat Doyle | 1:40 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Dear Leroy,

Thanks so much for your blog today. It makes me feel good to know that I am not alone in suffering with the dark side of cancer. If your messages were always cheerful I probably would not rush to the computer in the mornings to hear from you. I know that is normal when you are worrying about - you know "the elephant in tbe room". I read this because it is like talking to my brother, sister, or a close friend. You are truly someone who understands and I need that most of all. Please continue to be honest with us. Your post is my support and encouragement for each day.

My love and prayers to all,
Betty Lewis

Sent by Betty Lewis | 1:46 PM ET | 11-30-2007

I greatly appreciate your candor, please continue to express yourself, it is reality for me. Many thanks, Dave Payne

Sent by David Payne | 1:58 PM ET | 11-30-2007

They are mostly crappy days Leroy, the good moments are honestly rare. We all know that. Stage 4 lung cancer. Never smoked. 50. 12 months into treatment. Still working full time at a job I adore. Two children I adore. How can it not be awful?

Sent by Joan McDade | 2:03 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Dear Leroy... I love your blogs, especially because of your honesty! You have been my inspiration since watching your program and getting your blogs daily. I was diagnosed with SCLC in Aug. 2006... with possibly a 6-9 month survival! It's now 16 mos. and YOU keep me going... positive or negative... all of us knows how our feelings change from one day to the next. My continued prayers to you! May every day find you a little stronger!!!

Sent by Vicki Jones | 2:10 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Hi Leroy
I don't think you should disguise the bad days. It's sometimes takes a cancer patient as myself to understand where you're coming from.

I think expressing your feelings is part of the whole process.

It's tough having this beast on your back and we need to express our true feelings.
I pray that you feel better soon.
Regards
Mary S.
Cypress,TX

Sent by Mary Scruggs | 2:15 PM ET | 11-30-2007

The last thing you need to do is get down on yourself for feeling down. This blog is a gift. It is your gift of honesty and openness about the realities of living with Cancer. Please don't censor yourself, Leroy. There are a lot of people out there who find it comforting to know that they are not alone.

Sent by Tara | 2:23 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Frankly I find all of your posts to be very helpful. Whether you are happy or sad, your posts give us all an acknowledgemnt of our own feelings and by some strange way they provide us with some sort of reassurance that they way we feel is ok. At least it does for me.

Sent by jen barad | 2:36 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Hi Leroy, Depression is a devious opponent; it can take awake your ability to make decisions and at the same time make you feel that you show weakness of spirit. That is simply the nature of the disease. Please seek counsel. I have conquered two episodes of clinical depression preC. Yours certainly sounds like it started circumstantially and has progressed lnto what sounds like a deeper depression. I read you daily and wish for you only the best . Hugs to all, Joyce

Sent by Joyce | 2:39 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Dear Leroy,

I can totally relate. During a couple of days in the last couple of months when I wasn't sure my Mother was going to make it, I wanted to stay in bed with my head under the covers, although I'm the kind who stays strong during the crisis and then hits the wall later. And the way she has looked all summer - the weight loss, hair loss, neuropathy in her hands, that crappy port that pokes her when she sleeps a certain way. Nothing cold to eat or drink. What a pisser! If we hadn't got good news with her scans, I'd probably be in bed right now, and always in the back of your mind.... what next? Stresses you to the breaking point. Yes, there are bad, bad days, but the rest of my family and my faith keeps me going. It's good to be needed - takes your mind off things. Gosh knows you too are needed! We'll take you in any condition! You're a virtual lifeline to so many. You are so very much appreciated, Leroy in any mood, any physical shape, although obviously good days for you are good days for me. Keep telling it like it is! You are continually in my prayers.

Sent by Connie E. | 2:43 PM ET | 11-30-2007

It's funny that you should be speaking about giving in to the dark side. I was at the oncologist this morning (i'm on Xeloda a chemo pill for metastatic breast cancer with tumors leaning on my organs and colon) I spent almost a month in the hospital last year for obstructions in my colon due to tumors leaning on it. I was able to have a colonoscopy last week which the gastroenterologist said was good since he couldn't get into the colon in December. And so i was able to start eating solid food like beans, peas, steak instead of chopped meat, farina, jello. But today the oncologist told me that my most recent CT scan shows that my colon is thickening and my tumor markers are up so he increased the dosage of my medicine. I really thought he was going to take me off the medicine so I was feeling very self pitying on the way to work this morning. I am thankful I can go to work. So reading your blog made me feel less sad. Keep the faith.

Linda

Sent by Linda | 2:52 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Your authenticity, on good days and bad, is what makes reading your daily blog so valuable to me. I genuinely appreciate your making yourself and your experience(s) so open to us.

Sent by Katherine Behr | 3:03 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy,

We all have bad days and your honesty truly helps those who think they "need" to be upbeat all the time.

After fighting the beast for 7 years, I, too, have bad days and sometimes, weeks. Because I'm in temporary remission and am able to, I find my work as a volunteer for my local hospice takes me out of myself and cheers me right up. Whatever works is OK. What's not OK is to remain down and depressed for weeks. For times like that, I find the 12 step program's advice to work. Things like "Fake it 'till you make it," and "One minute, hour, day at a time."

Persistent depression can be relieved with anti depressants. I don't like needing them but as my recovering addict sibling likes to say, "Drugs are our friends."

You have been through quite an ordeal and deserve a short lived pity party. Emphasis on short lived, if only to improve your quality of life.

Keep up the good work! You're a trooper and an inspiration.

Sue

Sent by Sue Mersic | 3:11 PM ET | 11-30-2007

I read your posts so as to continue to improve my understanding of what it means to have cancer. You portray the multi facets of how your life plays out - the good times and the down times. Thank you for being so real.

Sent by Marleen Salo | 3:16 PM ET | 11-30-2007

We all have our down days and even though it's my birthday - today is mine.
I went to Oncologist and although radiatin killed cancer in brain it spread in my chest and into my liver. Just got home from treatment with a new chemo drug and feel sick and depressed and company is coming.

Sent by Vicki (FL) | 3:23 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy
Sharing your heart with such honesty is rare find indeed. Thank you allows your readers insight into the pain and triumphs you face daily. I can resonate on a very minor level with some of your feelings as I have had cancer, chemotherapy and ultimate forequarter amputation of my right arm. You are an extremely gifted writer. You said you reach down for that strength you didn???t think you had, in my opinion I would call that Divine strength. The Lord is readily available to call on for help. He put me flat on my back with nowhere to look but up. He got my attention! When I didn???t have the strength to make it, He gave me His strength, sometimes just at the moment I needed it. I think He is trying to get your attention too. The choice is yours, we are not puppets on a string. You can continue to fight on your own strength or you can ask Him into your life and He will fight the battle alongside you. I will be praying for your complete healing and that you will take to heart the true meaning of Christmas this season.
His Abundant Blessings To You,
Linda

Sent by Linda | 3:33 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Good Afternoon Leroy, Laurie and All,

Leroy, I'm sending you some gentle cyber hugs today and that little spark of hope that tells you that better days lie ahead. This emotional roller coaster of this beast called Cancer can be very tough to deal with on a daily basis. This week has been up/down and all over the board for me too. Wednesday, I felt on top of the world and more "normal" than I had felt in a year. Thursday, I crashed. I was in pain most of the day and just plain Ugly! This happens to all of us and especially when we have been through a prolonged time of acute illness and surgery. It's ok and I too appreciate your open expression of how it really is.

Laurie, I know that your emotions swing right along with Leroy's. It is so hard to see the one you love having a difficult time. I don't think there is a more difficult situation to go through. Gentle cyber-hugs to you too!!

To All, The gifts of compassion and understanding are so apparent on this blog. We all know what it is like to hurt and the best thing is we also know how to extend ourselves to help! This is a wonderful community. God Bless!

Eileen Pruyne
Charlotte, NC.

Sent by Eileen Pruyne | 3:37 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy, I've been reading your blog everyday. I appreciate your honesty. I'm glad you feel you can share these feelings with your audience. Just know we all pray and think about you. Hang in there buddy.

Sent by Marilyn Hilliard | 3:50 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Please continue to be human and express whatever you are doing/feeling/thinking. We should all be careful NOT to go the road of covering up how we really feel. It takes energy to repress the down stuff, energy we need for other things. And it's counter productive....feels wrong to fake it.

And wow... who knows what makes a good day and what makes a bad day? Wish I could figure it out. Today I felt quite happy all day. Let's see, why? This teensy weensy step - literally -I walked 51 steps today past our mailbox. Had told myself I could only do 50 so that ONE extra step felt like an accomplishment. Geez. (It also happens to be a crisp, golden, exquisite day here on the coast.)

Some days I feel clumsy - can't walk super well anymore because lots of neuropathy in my feet and balance issues - and stupid and angry. I feel really sorry for myself. I actually COUNT the body parts that are not working right anymore....and I'm not even 65 years old yet !!!....."let's see," I begin as I count my numb toes, then the feet, then the stomach that hurts from the Xeloda, and on up to eyes that have been affected by chemo too. Today the fact of my listing body parts gone awry is really humorous, last week it was enough to make me want to jump off a bridge.

Figure it out. But let's cherish our humanness and be sure to be real with ourselves and each other.

Sent by Nancy O | 4:01 PM ET | 11-30-2007

leroy,
I felt badly for you when I read your post for today.I felt like your public put another burden on you that you do not need.
You give me much strength with what you write since so many of you feelings are how I too feel, but can not put into words.
We can not expect all your writings to be upbeat, you are battling hard and it can not be easy.
My treatment is going well at the moment and I feel good and do not look ill. I notice people get so excited when they can say, "how do you feel, you look great". Just because I have my hair and do not look as bad as I once did, they think the cancer is gone. I know that gives them comfort, but I feel like a fake. Yet I do not want to dissappoint them and say the cancer is still there.
Do not feel that you have to hide your feelings from us and be cheerful all the time. You do not owe anyone that, continue to be honest and truthful and allow us to help you handle and share these emotions.
I continue to pray for you.
Linda

Sent by Linda | 4:29 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Dear Leroy,
I have not posted many times recently, but I am always reading, always supporting you in your effort. This includes those "bad days" as well as the good ones, which shows you are human, just like the rest of us on this journey. I am happy to see your honesty, and apppreciate the courage it takes to be able to say "I am having a bad day today". I have noticed your optimism, though, when you say this is a temporary problem, and your days will get better as time goes by. This attitude is not only self-supporting, but also brings comfort to those who seem to have a difficult time finding hope. This type of honesty is refreshing, much better than some of the sites I have visited, often only portraying this disease and its effects as a "positive" in our lives which we know is just not true. There is nothing more discouraging to me when I am feeling down and need help, I reach out for it, only to have it discounted and pushed to the side as if I had never voiced my agony. We need to know there are others who feel the way we feel which, to me, is the purpose of the level of support we are privileged to receive here. It can be very discouraging to feel different in this scary world, and your posts help me to see that I am no less of a person because there are times when I feel lousy, and gives me the courage to post my true feelings. This is honesty, my friend, and to know I will be able to experience this gift at this site. For this I am so grateful.

Your recovery is going to take time, and unfortunately you have experienced a set-back with the staph infection that I am certain you feel, at times, will never leave your body. When you are strong enough to overcome this, you will be able to continue to give hope and a lot of relief to so many who come here looking for words of encouragement.
You will be able to share this as a horrible side effect, but not one that is insurmountable. This will obviously help many to go on for another day with the hope of better days to come in the future. This is a special gift you are able to provide, and one that will be appreciated and used by so many, at just the time they need to hear it. So, please keep speaking words that are honest, true and real, because you never know whose heart you may touch.

You have given so much of yourself to all, but I have used your words as a guideline to continue on when the days have seemed too tough to endure, and I am very thankful for your presence here. The reality of this illness IS the GOOD and the BAD, and I want to thank you for sharing - in whatever capacity. I think I am speaking for many here, who are grateful that you come and share with us, usually on a daily basis. I know I have learned from you that it is alright to say "I don't feel well" and not feel self-conscious about speaking the truth, whatever that truth may be.

I want to thank all those who have come before me to voice this optimism with you and to support you in your seemingly tireless endeavors. My prayers are with you and everyone fighting this battle, and this goes for the caregivers, as well. Thank all of you who suppport us in our times of need.

Love, Briana

Sent by Briana | 4:43 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy,

I hope one of the reasons that you write to us is because you are writing to yourself. If you don't feel like writing, you certainly shouldn't feel bad about that. I am thankful for your honesty and don't expect you to sound chipper! And when you do (and you have at times), it's a wonderful thing! I think it's ok to feel sorry for yourself because I also have seen you so many times reaching into your soul and finding strength and pushing yourself forward. It isn't easy! But when you do that, it makes me smile. I hope it makes you smile, too.

Sent by Carol | 4:44 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy - like so many have said earlier, write what comes naturally - good or bad. I know that I have had difficulty passing on disappointing or less than rosy news about treatments not going as well as hoped or the latest new bad side effect. But the more I encounter it, the easier it is to share it. And people really need to see this for what it is - it's not all made-for-TV movies where the spunky protagonist beats the disease du jour. We get cancer and suffer real pain as gracefully as we can manage and some of us live and too many of us die - plain and simple. If we can get an occasional glimpse of the surreal humor that sometimes pokes through, so much the better. I know that you will find that surreal moment with the latest round of stuff you're going through and you'll be able to look back on this and go "whew, another hurdle has been passed and I'll be glad if I never have to repeat it". Hang tough.

Sent by Bob Maimone | 5:01 PM ET | 11-30-2007

OK, here's the deal...those of us fighting this beast have earned the right to have a few (or many) down days. Sometime those well meaning folks who tell me that if I THINK I can be cured, I CAN be give me a pain. While I appreciate the sentiment and their concern, sometimes I feel sorry for myself.

That's the great thing about this forum. We all know what it's like. I appreciate your thoughts because they're real. I don't need Mr. Rogers...I want Honest Leroy.

God Bless.

Sent by Anne Hart | 5:04 PM ET | 11-30-2007

I applaud you for your honesty. I know you're not depressed. I've been there for sure, as many people have as cancer patients. I can relate to almost all of your posts and am drawn back each day to read them. Thank you so much for sharing the thoughts many of us have!!!

Rachel Baumgartner
http://www.iamobsessedwithlife.blogspot.com/

Sent by Rachel B | 5:26 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Dear Leroy, I've been largely a silent reader--I have Stage 4 cancer. Leroy, if you only published when you were feeling bouyed up and positive, I would not trust you, nor your experience with this tsunami of the heart. But that's not the way you wwrite; every day I look for your blog in my email box; I feel privileged that you share your journey with me, with us. You do't need to think about going back to work; you ARE working, writing about this even through the bleak dark days when I'll bet you'd rather put your head under the covers and wish for sleep.
Keep on keepin' on, Leroy, we're traveling with you (different paths maybe, but when one of us is down, as you are now, we send your courage and rest and love. love, Morgan

Sent by Morgan H | 6:03 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Dear Leroy:
I haven't written before today but I just wanted to say thank you for your courage and your honesty. Thanks for not giving up the blog or your fight. You are a remarkable and giving person to share your life with the world the way you have. So, go ahead, have a bad day. I think you are entitled once in a while. Just come back fighting tomorrow. We need you!

Sent by Maureen W. | 6:14 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Write how you feel and never apologize to us!! We are there, been there, done that and are doing that. Your soul comes through your words and that's why you are so good at what you do each day. You capture the essence that many of your faithful are feeling each day. Please don't try to be something that you are not...invincible, always upbeat with a happy face on. We know better and so do you. Continue to be the man whose blogs help each of us get through our day. I sincerely hope and pray that you are as blessed as we are by communicating our feelings, hopes and prayers in such a public forum. You've revealed your soul to us and that is why we trust you to be our muse!!

Blessings and prayers as always.

Sent by Al Cato | 6:41 PM ET | 11-30-2007

hey...i've been reading your blog for sometime and watched the documentary with Ted...i kind of feel like an intruder..you don't know me and yet you allow me to share your world...i just wanted to say...ioften think how life must seem..drs appt,trips to hospital that become the norm..i work in a hospital..i would run your blood/urine/csf for you..i- like many -know people who lived routinely "outside" until some illness decided "it" was more important. i also knew a great man whose name really was Joe...he had kidney cancer...he would feel sooooo tired at times that he could not get out of his chair to go to one of his son's soccer games...i've seen...i realize...and i say to you and all in your position..."true heros come in many types...with heart felt caring...love from karen mattiussi....des moines, iowa (from where?????)

Sent by Karen S. Mattiussi | 6:46 PM ET | 11-30-2007

The reason I read your column every day is because of your honesty. The only people who wouldn't expect some down days are those who haven't experienced Cancer. I admire your courage to share your experience with us. Thank you.

Sent by Barbara Schroeder | 7:03 PM ET | 11-30-2007

It's amazing how many wonderful people are on this blog, isn't it? I've been reading everyone's comments and thought how understanding and kind everyone is. We all love you Leroy.

Sent by Ruth White | 7:03 PM ET | 11-30-2007

I think until someone has been in that position where it takes everything in them to get up in the morning, they can't understand what you're truly talking about. I empathize with you and appreciate your honesty. Writing is a catharsis, don't waist valuable energy trying to sugar coat things. I respect you saying it like it is. Hang in there!

Sent by Beth H. | 7:41 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Hi Leroy:
Keep on feeling human and able to express your down days. We all have them in the fight of the beast. I would hate it if you continue to feel that you need to be upbeat all the time, especially after everything you have gone through. You are always so eloquent in whatever mood you are in and I so appreciate your honesty.
Fran

Sent by Fran | 7:46 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Life isn't a game, keeping score doesn't matter, winning and losing is in that moment. Winners in sports have all won at some level in the past, thus the desire to win.

Life isn't a game, it's not fair in some of our eyes. However; we must engage or quit. I've faced being a quadraplegic, diabetes, heart operations, a suicide attempt, and losing my parents. It all hurts and being positive, strong, and not giving up sounds great..but it hasn't always gone that way.

The fact that you keep seeing the next sunrise is proof that you are doing what you have to so you can survive. It's not a battle, no winners or losers, everybody contributes a chapter to the book of life for us to remember...some chapters I'll always remember and repeat to others, some I will keep to myself..it's just that special.

Sent by Richard Williams | 8:11 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Yes, your dear friends like Al Cato who write daily,(like myself), and who seem very wise and caring just want you to be our friend and share with us. We are all on this trip together.
As we lose parts of ourselves that made up our lives, it is so very normal to be depressed. That is what we friends are for. We are ALL drawing strength from each other.
Love you Leroy, hang in there and keep getting better. Will look forward to your thoughts on Monday.

Sent by J C R | 8:16 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Leroy - you just have to be Leroy - and feel, think and write whatever is in your heart - that's more than enough!
Hope you and Laurie have a peaceful and relaxing weekend......
talk to you next week!

Sent by Ruth Chermok | 10:46 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Amen - someone pointed out that writing your daily blog is a major accomplishment which you seem to manage in bad days as well as good ones. We admire you for that and appreciate the friendship you extend each time you make that effort for all of us! We hate to hear about all your pain and suffering - it is sometimes excruciating to read. But isn't that after all the thing that connects us all as human beings? We may not share each other's every success, but we all have brokenness and pain in one form or another and know that the longer we live, the more we will likely experience. So that is where total strangers can connect and empathize with one another - we're with you, Leroy. Hang in there and feel the love!

Sent by CDuckett | 11:27 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Even those among us who are healthy can have a bad day...be as nice to yourself as each of your readers would be to you.

Peggy

Sent by Peggy | 11:28 PM ET | 11-30-2007

If we don't acknowledge and learn from the dark side, we won't truly know the light--in all the senses of that word, enlightenment, relief, etc.

Leroy, you are a model of someone who takes on the whole of experience, and lets others know. Thank you for that.

It is not self-pity to acknowledge suffering. As for being "only" human--who can aspire to being anything else?

I have seen great endurance and spirit in many cancer patients--but I hate the comment, "he/she never complained." If you don't complain about your suffering, you're not honest, and not alive.

Thank you for your gentle complaining, for being real, human, and mortal (but not "only).

May the light be with you.

Sent by Joan | 11:40 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Just shoot us straight, Leroy; the good, the bad, the unspeakable. Just tell your truth when you want to, gloss over when you need to, and take days off when it is better for you to have a break. Kick butt, take names, rant, rave, whine, kvech and moan. Whimper. Rise up. Fall down. Exult. Grieve. And everything in between. You do not owe this blog community anything beyond telling what you feel like telling when you fell like sharing. Your allegience to your life, to your own experience, to your loved ones trumps everything else. Please do not feel obliged to apologize to us for anything. Your blog has connected and given voice to so many. You owe us nothing. You have given and continue to give so much just by being on this planet. It is an honor when you share news of hard days, the hard reckonings, the ambiguity, the existential struggles. It is an honor when you check in, whatever the day's news or thoughts. And it is an honor when you take time off to nurture yourself with all of your energy. We stand in witness to your life as you have shared it with us. We stand in witness to one another. We stand (and sit, and lie) in community, cohered by your blog. Thank you for that. Thank you for your integrity and the ability to look things in the eye and speak things out loud and tell it like it is from wars, genocides and cancer treatment rooms. The truth of your expereinces is what makes them powerful. This life is a remarkable trajectory before we return home to the earth once again. As the kids say, "Its all good!" And if not all of it (the hard days, the rough treatments and the struggles), then perhaps Michael S. Novak was onto something when he said, "Despite the penultimate tragedies, life is ultimately gracious." Those penultimate tragedies can whup our spirits sometimes, but in most of our lives, they are counterbalanced by so many moments of beauty and grace... May you find your own perfect and varying equipoise day by day, Leroy. Please take gentle good care of yourself in every way. Foods that ease and comfort you, favorite comfy clothes, rituals or movies or music that replenish your reserves. Be exceedingly gentle and compassionate with yourself through the stark days and luminous ones alike. And let 'er rip -- whatever you have to say -- without apology. I hope the circle of care around you provides some shelter. You have done that for all of us!

Sent by Sarah | 11:58 PM ET | 11-30-2007

Thank you for being so REAL, Leroy. That's one of the things that makes your blog so special. There are real feelings tucked in with the information.
My best friend called to say her brother-in-law had surgery today, just opened and closed (pancreatic cancer), and the children had to be told . . .
This "beast" affects everyone.
I continue to pray for you and all those suffering with this and other serious illnesses and/or injuries.
Best wishes to all,
Judith

Sent by Judith Newkirk | 12:10 AM ET | 12-01-2007

G-d bless you Leroy - you are doing so wonderfully - waking up each day and lookign forward to tomorrow to be better. You are down - hey, you hurt and don't feel well and cannot do what you want - but you are positive that please G-d this will get better. You are an inspiration and G-d bless you.

Jan

Sent by janice goldberg white | 7:00 AM ET | 12-01-2007

Leroy, I am a little late in sending this post out ...everybody gets down in their life sometime. And you are entitled to being and feeling anyway you want. You are human after all.

Sent by Pat Z | 10:03 AM ET | 12-01-2007

Amen. We all know those dark days you've written about, so your words and feelings resonate. We'd all prefer (I assume) to not have one of our feet/lives in Cancer World, but that's not our reality. You're documenting the journey between worlds. Winter, loss, grief and anguish but then there's the re-entry and spring....may it come before our calendar spring. Please don't self-censor to try and be 'up'...it's the raw, frank, telling it from the heart that has power.

Sent by Marcia | 12:57 PM ET | 12-01-2007

Dear Leroy,

I don't know if it's because of the holiday season, but everything seems to seem worse at this time of the year. You are a remarkable man who has given so much of yourself. You are entitled to look on the "dark side" if you wish.

As always,prayers to you and Laurie.

Sent by Sasha | 1:31 PM ET | 12-01-2007

My husband has prostate cancer with mets to hs bones. He does not use the computer, so I print out your messages and he really looks forward to reading them. Even the "down" ones do him some good because he knows he's not the only one going through this horrible disease. PLEASE, for you men reading this or the women who have a man in their life, PLEASE, get your PSA checked and follow through on it whether it is normal or abnormal.

Sent by Linda G | 3:23 PM ET | 12-01-2007

I'm sorry that you feel 'down' but it helps others when you admit it...we don't need the kind of hero who never shows the down side..sometimes we don't need a leader, we need someone who shares our feelings. You are a different kind of hero.

Sent by Tara | 6:36 PM ET | 12-01-2007

12/1 - To Vicki (Fla)- Happy belated Birthday! There will be happier ones to come I am certain.
I am amazed at what this modern cancer medicine world can do. The mastectomy of my breast 25 yrs ago now, took hours of careful preparation, days of recovery and drainage problems, and months of Chemo.
Two days ago, a friend of mine had a breast removed after a few weeks of Chemo to shrink the tumor. Now after two days she is visiting us, feeling fine, with a bag and drain hanging from her waist. She is happy that the "C" has been removed and will now have radiation in the coming weeks to make certain they got it all. What a World!
Take heart Vicki, you are in good hands and will be fine. Next birthday, you will feel a lot better!

Sent by J C R | 8:04 PM ET | 12-01-2007

This is a late response, but I want you to know that one of the things I appreciate about your blog (you) is that you are so real. Without those down moments, that would not be so. So please, continue to share with us your authentic feelings and thoughts. They mirror mine, up and down, and that's what helps. Thanks, thanks, thanks.

Sent by Juanita Helms | 12:26 AM ET | 12-02-2007

Please don't take this wrong but I think I follow your blog so closely because you *do* have bad days--just like I do. If nothing ever got you down, I'd find that hard to take and also hard to believe. I am dealing with facing a life with a permanent disability as a result of my cancer treatment, even though I've been through lots of other surgery to try to correct it and it has me down right now. I just got a book by Thomas Moore called "Dark Nights of the Soul" that speaks of the value of those times that are so trying for us. I highly recommend it.

Sent by N.R. | 7:57 AM ET | 12-02-2007

Leroy: I always seem to be the "old cow's tail" in answering your blog, but Friday's blog certainly brought out your readers...the goal of every good journalist and you are a great one.

Tony Saprano's shrink told him in one of the shows (reruns on A&E) that depression was rage turned inward. You and the rest of us in the Cancer World have every right to that rage, so for your sake, put it out here not inward.

You don't have to feel that you won't be our hero when you are negative. Burge wanted to hear he wasn't the only one mad as hell and I think I read more of the "it stinks" columns than the upbeat ones to him. He wanted to know he wasn't "evil" to feel "pissed off".

To Cathy: Thank you so much for your comments about our dog, Cletus', death. It was more than just losing the dog and it put the entire family back into grieving for Burge. The dog was apparently hit by a car...on the 4 month anniversary of Burge's death, and I'm sure it was my fault because he had started waiting for me at the drive when he was left alone at home and I let him do so against my better judgement.

Cletus was ONLY a dog, but he represented love of family beyond any measure and was a kind of link to Burge...who hopefully has his buddy back to walk with. Today, I'm going to walk their path and see if I can sense them there. Perhaps they are the lucky ones.

All my love to you Leroy.

Nikki

Sent by Nikki | 10:35 AM ET | 12-02-2007

I did it, just like one of your older blog messages said - just give something. So I did, I opened up a donor advised trust through a major brokerage house in my husband's name and gave the fund to his daughter and granddauhter to carry out.

You were right, it doesn't have to be alot, but something good got taken back from what cancer took from us and some people will live a little easier because of our actions.

Thanks for all that you do.

Sent by Irene | 11:44 AM ET | 12-02-2007

I too am a fighter in the Cancer World. Your words ALWAYS give me courage.

Sent by m jackson | 8:51 PM ET | 12-02-2007

Dear Leroy:

No worries friend! You won't scare any of us away with the occasional bad day. Support is a two way street. You are in my thoughts and prayers every day -- the good ones AND the bad ones!

Sent by Ben Timmons | 10:24 PM ET | 12-02-2007

We are all human. This takes its toll and we continue on because we do love life. Thanks for sharing your strength with all of us.

Sent by anne lumberger | 6:06 AM ET | 12-03-2007

So true, so true. Thanks for the honesty.

Sent by Barbara | 7:23 AM ET | 12-03-2007

A belated post to your 11/30 blog: it's refreshing (and an inspiration) to read your honest words about how you feel. Thanks for not bowing to our cultural disease of candy-coating feelings and/or pretending to be "up" even when a situation is painful and horrendous. Your courage, strength, and honesty are beautiful.

Sent by Lisa T. Jung | 6:15 PM ET | 12-04-2007

Dear Leroy,
I read each of your blogs. I am not a person with cancer, I am a clinical nurse specialist(sort of retired) in Oncology, and have been for many years. I'm currently facilitating a cancer support group in my little village in northern lower Michigan. Many of us follow your blog and have done so for many months.

I, of course, have noticed that your writings aren't as "up" as they may have been in the past. My thoughts about that are that it seems very emotionally healthy that as you have been experiencing more difficult times with your cancer and its associated problems, you are less "up". How could you possibly be as positive as you have been? I feel that each time you write, you share what is in your heart. Each time I read what you write, you touch my heart with all that you share. My experience with many people going through a cancer experience is that people are where they need to be(emotionally) at any given time. Those of us who care about you need to be here for you now as much as when we enjoy the "good times" with you.

I thank you for being so honest, so open. You give each of us the opportunity to walk this journey with you.....and learn from you. I honor and respect the way you are sharing your journey.

With continued caring,
Terry Gremel
PS I am praying that this infection, etc, is just a blip on the chart, and you are going to be having those "up" days, again soon.

Sent by Terry Gremel | 9:00 PM ET | 12-06-2007

it's not your job to cheer us up. in fact, it should be the other way around. quick! somebody say something funny!

Sent by mary | 1:50 PM ET | 12-26-2007