Dear Leroy et al,

I can only hope I display the same courage and fortitude I see on this blog if I ever draw the slow clock of death. Most of us outside Cancer World don't ever think much about it, or assume it will be over before we know it, but to numbly watch the clock tick...

Wow.

Sent by Leonard from Alabama | 10:13 AM ET | 12-27-2007

It's never easy, is it? Cancer is very much a "two steps forward one step back" kind of deal (or whatever proportion seems to match a given situation). The dealing and scheming and swapping that constantly goes on--well, I'll tolerate new tumours for a while so long as the staph infection improves--always make me feel like an inexperienced player in a very complicated card game. I've never been sure of the rules, and anyway, the opponent is a damned cheat.

Good luck with the pleurisy (and thanks for the, Get a second test!, reminder...)

Peace
jj

Sent by Joan Jones | 10:18 AM ET | 12-27-2007

Leroy,
The sun is out now. Sometimes the cards come out even and you can call it a draw, or enjoy your wins. Surely you won one today, finding the pleurisy in your lungs, which is eminently treatable.

Sent by Dianne (DC) | 10:19 AM ET | 12-27-2007

merry christmas leroy and co.! i feel as though i am loosing a close friend ,i just read about stephanie situation from her daughter's note. it is so difficult to stay and think positive with this journey. and it does also happen to be a very grey day here too ,near lake ontario in cold western new york. trying to be positive and think of all the more important things in life...is difficult when so many people are suffering around you. i hate ,really hate this illness and all i have learned of it during the past year and a few months. i am thankful for the awareness it has given me in the battle but so deeply sadden by the loss of so many young children and amazing adults. i will never feel any different in this journey and i will continue to seek answers for a cure.
thinking of all of us this last week of 2007.

Sent by marianne dalton | 10:37 AM ET | 12-27-2007

Hi Leroy,

Pleurisy is treatable, draining the fluid in the chest will make you more comfortable. I doubt that anyone will be explain why some of the tumors in the lungs shrunk and others appeared.

However, isn't everyday you wake up is a good one?

Sent by Sue Chap | 10:39 AM ET | 12-27-2007

Leroy your a writer.
Blue Roses!
How literary of you...
Seriously however, while the news is less than ideal, as Sue Chap has posted, any day that sees you waking up is a good one, I would just add that sometimes we have to look harder for the good. So I would say at least it wasn't a day for black and purple bunting.

Sent by Brit | 11:20 AM ET | 12-27-2007

Dear Leroy,
I would rather win one and lose one, than win none and lose two. Please take care of the pleurisy and then the doctors can look at shrinking the new tumors. It is gray and misting rain here this morning also, but on the other hand the sun will shine again tomorrow.

Sent by Teresa in WV | 11:21 AM ET | 12-27-2007

Your clear-eyed, deep-hearted, well-rooted self shines through your messages this week, Leroy. Thank you for sharing your news and your thoughts with us all. I feel this resolute sense of the lot of us standing firmly shoulder-to-shoulder with you now, and with one another. Quiet, but bolstering to each of us. That lovely synergy of combined intentions and caring. What a force to be buoyed by as one adventurous year segues into a new block of gift-time!

Sent by Sarah | 11:24 AM ET | 12-27-2007

Leroy,

The nature of the beast is to be colored gray so you can't ever know exactly what's going on. Knowing myself, I would find that very hard because I don't tolerate ambiguity very well. I hope you are better at that sort of thing than I am.

Meanwhile, let's ring in 2008,welcome the good and do the best we can with the not-so-hot.

Blessings.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 11:35 AM ET | 12-27-2007

Courage, bravery, endurance, hope and faith...those of us in the cancer world see it every day! Keep up the fight and stay strong!

Sent by Laurie Hirth | 12:01 PM ET | 12-27-2007

Battered, but not broken. You are the champ, Leroy -- on gray days and dark days and sunny ones, too.

Hanging on the wall in the hallway just outside my computer room is a framed drawing of a stick figure holding a lance and a dragon. Above it are these words:

"Anyone can slay a dragon, he told me. But try waking up every morning and loving the world all over again. That's what takes a real hero."

Your bravery and resilient spirit make you a hero. I hope the procedure to drain the fluid will relieve your pain. One day at a time...

Sent by Doris | 12:45 PM ET | 12-27-2007

Hi Leroy,

Joan's got a good handle on what the cancer world is like. To me, it is so much like a dance and I am the reluctant partner. There are movements when I cannot get my arms far enough away and other days I cannot get embrace it enough. But I dance on until the music stops.

Sent by Teri Thomas | 12:57 PM ET | 12-27-2007

Good Afternoon Leroy, Laurie and All,

Leroy, I just read your good news/bad news report and I can relate to what you are saying. I guess if Cancer had a color it would be gray. Nothing in the battle with this disease seems to be black and white. My last reports were gray too, my last CT showed no new growth but areas are still there, just not growing at present. But my tumor marker in my blood work had doubled, not good news. So the CA-125 was repeated yesterday and I'm waiting for results. Scans again in March and hoping for good results. When my internist asked me how I feel, I told her: "Like I'm hanging by a thread and the wind is blowing." So Leroy, grab on to that thread. It's a big spool and enough thread for all of us!!

Laurie, There is thread for you too. I know that the emotional cost for the care givers is as great, if not greater than the physical and emotional toll that Cancer takes on those of us who have the disease.

To All, Grab on to the thread too as we are all on this journey together. My hope for everyone is a really Happy New Year filled with LOVE, FUN and HOPE. And we will all hope that in the near future we can color the Cancer GONE!! God Bless!!

Eileen Pruyne
Charlotte, NC

Sent by Eileen Pruyne | 1:03 PM ET | 12-27-2007

Leroy,
I had my second radiation treatment today. They drew more lines on my chest with a Sharpie. Coincidentally, I was re-reading some of your entries from last December. Your comments on your tatoos and arrows brought a big smile to my face! Thank you, Leroy!

Sent by Dianne (DC) | 1:08 PM ET | 12-27-2007

A visit to the doctor's and the optimistic man of yesterday has turned all gray today? Leroy, the world always looks gray. The sky is gray, the trees all look misty and gray, the ground & grass are gray. Isn't this what helps us to be optimistic thinking of what is coming after? "If Winter Comes, can Spring be far behind"?
My world is gray also. I want to paint so badly but my partial vision (left by the stroke) makes it difficult and painful, and yes, gray. By the way - what is correct - gray or grey? I look at my paint tubes and they have it both ways. See- even THAT is interchangeable like cancer as it changes shapes, locations, etc. Wonder if IT is grey, gray, or Black?
Stay away from the doctors and get your optimism back.
Good ole fashioned Mustard Plasters cured my Mom of Pleuresy Pneumonia yrs ago. Today they just pump us full of antibiotics! A Gray generation.

Sent by J C R | 1:41 PM ET | 12-27-2007

It's such a tough foe, Leroy. Thinking of you, and hoping that things get better defined soon. Getting that pleurisy under control and some of that fluid out of the chest should help make you feel better. Stay brave and hang in there.

Sent by Art Ritter | 2:19 PM ET | 12-27-2007

Dear Leroy,

Sorry to hear about the new tumors, but somehow, let's shrink them the way the old ones are shrinking. Maybe that infection that gave you such hell had a part to play, along with prayer and the love of so many. Obviously, you don't want the infection to continue, or return, but the Lord works in mysterious ways. I believe that with all my heart.

Continued prayer, healing and comfort for everyone here, and the people they love.

Sent by Connie | 2:30 PM ET | 12-27-2007

Just shoot those tumors up like you've done before.

It's a never-ending battle, which is good, as you've had periods of good-quality life.

Forward, ever forward.

Sent by Scott S. | 2:46 PM ET | 12-27-2007

Hi Leroy - Sorry to hear the grey news. I've been dealing with the lung spots and pleural effusions for more than a year, the result of years-ago breast cancer. I find this quite liveable, as I suspect you will too, after the shock of the new spots wears off. Having a thoracentesis to drain the fluid is one of those "you'll just feel a pinch" procedures that actually hurts a bit, and then feels odd. But it's fairly quick and brings relief. I've had several, and need another. I try and wait until the shortness of breath gets really annoying. Last time the radiologist adjusted the monitor so that I could watch as he did the ultrasound of my pleural space, before he drained the fluid. It was pretty interesting - I'd recommend asking to see, if you're into that sort of thing.
Good luck, and I hope the thoracentesis provides relief.

Sent by Ana | 3:30 PM ET | 12-27-2007

I can relate to the pleurisy. I remember going into the ER thinking that I was having a heart attack because the pain was so intense. The thing I remember the most is the parking lot attendant that waved us through after I was discharged - for whatever reason, he didn't charge us. We had little cash and had been worried about how we were going to get out. That renewed my faith in mankind that evening.

Leroy and Laurie, take care of yourselves. Your bodies don't need the stress.

Sent by Marie | 3:45 PM ET | 12-27-2007

Leroy, we are with you.

Sent by Marcy in NJ | 4:11 PM ET | 12-27-2007

Leroy, I understand the gray days.My husbands last scan showed old tumors the same size, but many new ones (too many to count). We also left with the feeling of how does that happen and will probably never know. We just keep trying to go forward. Appreciate the days, no matter what color. I always admire so much the way that you look at situations that come up that you have to deal with. You truly are an insperation to all of us.

I really hope getting that fluid off will help you to feel better. It is bad enough to have all these situations to deal with but when there is so much pain it is really hard to think as clearly as we could.

You are sounding stronger these days. That is a BIG plus. Take care Leroy, and give Laurie a big hug. So important!!!!

Sent by dorothy in oregon | 4:45 PM ET | 12-27-2007

Dear Leroy.
Everyday for a year now, my husband and I keep hoping for bright news to restore some of the color to our lives. Today,we seemed to have reached a new level of frustration. A new Oncologist we saw two weeks ago suggested a short Chemo break to get my husband back on his feet. Today, we had an appointment to discuss scans and decide whether to continue the break. Early this morning, the appointment was cancelled because the scans that were mailed never arrived and the doctor was leaving this afternoon on vacation. He won't be back until January 7th. Color me numb.

Sent by Elaine | 5:02 PM ET | 12-27-2007

Oh, my! (Big sigh)
I'll just keep praying for you and all the others . . .
Judith

Sent by Judith Newkirk | 5:19 PM ET | 12-27-2007

Dear Leroy, Your pleurisy is what I have been going through. Besides the coughing and shortness of breath causing me to be unable to do the least little thing, I get really depressed. Christmas Eve I was having my lungs drained but was grateful to be home Christmas day. I feel them filling up again and know unless I get some kind of semi-permanent drain this may become a weekly thing. The relief from the drainag is worth it though and it really doesn't hurt. So another thing that has to be done! Wishing you comfort and healing.

Sent by Vicki (FL) | 5:49 PM ET | 12-27-2007

Happy Holidays Leroy, and Hang in there! Isn't life all about grey areas? Nothing is definite, and the trick is to just continue on nevertheless, with faith and hope and joy, thankful for the silver linings which all have a touch of grey. Like the Grateful Dead sang, "I will get by, I will survive."

Thanks for teaching us all how to survive, Leroy!

Sent by Amy | 8:03 PM ET | 12-27-2007

Dear LeRoy,
As a lung cancer patient, I have pleural effusion over the past year and a half. When the thoracentisis had to be repeated weekly and the fluid could not be removed enough to provide relief I had a pleural drain installed. The drain requires regular daily maintenance by my husband and in my case because the drain tends to clog, maintenace at the interventional radiology department for breaking down the tissue and for drain replacement. I know you have had draining experiences. This drain provides me with relief and when the effusion is cleared the pleura can be sealed shut never to bother me again. So help is available.
I think of you daily and wish you a sunny day.

Sent by MJJ | 9:46 PM ET | 12-27-2007

I don't know - I sort of think you won....another day, grey or not, you faced the band and the music played on.

Sent by Mina | 11:31 PM ET | 12-27-2007

Hey Leroy, keep up the fight, lots of people drawing inspiration from you. I admire you greatly, you have the same courage as my wife Bella and she to loved your writing, You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sent by kenny williams | 12:42 AM ET | 12-28-2007

"We are just footprints in the sands of time"

Personally I'm ready to go but I appreciate the life I've had. It is the small things and memories that we're always the best. We will all wind up on the same path. Some sooner some later. It's all part of life. Why be sad?

I pray for you Leroy. Whatever happens you will always be my brother.

Sent by Thomas Jacobs | 1:39 AM ET | 12-28-2007

The way I see it; whenever its a grey day, The Lord is allowing us to be fooled into believing that the Sun is not shining, and does not care for man. What this means to me, however, is that although the Sun seems not to shine, and thus it follows that an unhappy un-smiling day is depressing, somewhere out there God himself is looking through the filter of the skies and is penentrating the depths of our inner person to discover the inner hidden meaning and he is like a Great Doctor about to commit a Great Healing. He is simply at first being contemplative, much the way a skilled surgeon summons his genius before an operation! You can not hide from God's Love and it is always God's Love that knows your inner most needs and brings healing. When it s The Lord's decision only, may you pass from this world of cares, no matter what the thoughts of men, and then only. Who knows, maybe your cancer is only passing Grey day and tommorrow the Sun shines on a brand new Day! I will continue praying for you.

Sent by Charlie Schlager, Jr. | 5:38 AM ET | 12-28-2007

You won two out of three yesterday, Leroy. So what if the sky was partly cloudy. You won!

Sent by Linnea | 6:16 AM ET | 12-28-2007

Dear Leroy, We are called to have faith in this world of troubles. I think you have hit on the lesson! My prayers go with you. Jane

Sent by Jane | 6:46 PM ET | 12-28-2007

A HAPPY NEW YEAR LEROY and to all your loved ones! Will miss talking with you until you feel well enough to message again. Will miss you this weekend but you need time to sort your feelings out. We all love you and await your next message.

Sent by J C R | 7:26 PM ET | 12-28-2007

Leroy,

You are still our commander. We are still the better for your open and courage daily up-date all about you and the cancer world that some of us are still finding our place in line. I think what keeps me balanced is the learning process you create by your writing each day. Soak up each day the learning that nature creates in its quietness. Nature taught me how to find the least common denominator in situations, similiar to peeling off the layers, questioning as I experienced new learning that expanded me. I found that being very clear with what it was that I accepted and what it was I did not accept, then more importantly why? I admire your personal strength in health questioning, and striving to help us understanding cancer world.

2008, is just ahead and we are still here for you. mattie,

Sent by Mattie Joyce Hervey | 1:08 AM ET | 12-31-2007