Leroy, a movie you might like, if you haven't seen it already is "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly". It's a truly unique cinematic experience (artistically) about the resilience of the human spirit. Funny, too!

The disbelief never leaves. I still look back at my husband's cancer journey and wonder, "how did that happen to us?" Forget about asking "why". There's just no good answer.

Hope you have a pain-free day.

Sent by Marilyn | 7:44 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Ok Leroy, You are sounding a bit down again. For Christmas I bought my beau 1000 Places to See Before You Die. We have been together for going on 6 years. I was thumbing through the book, and we have been to many of the places, but there are more places to visit, things to do. I guess that supports his statement when I suggested the return to Hawaii, "Its a repeat." Giving the circumstances preceding our first visit, we are going back, in 56 days (but I am not counting) Find something to keep aiming for, whether it is book, movie, place to visit, or that bottle of wine. Goals, even small ones help.

Sent by Sue Chap | 8:00 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Dear Leroy,
My son-in-law tells people he is living with two people who have cancer. Since my daughter and are both NED right now I don't think of us "as having cancer". However, both of us have a good chance of recurrence so maybe he is right; maybe I am in denial.
I do still have a couple of skin cancers that I am having surgery for next week. Somehow those don't count.
Leroy my prayer for you is that you get to the point where you can go a day or two at a time thinking about things other than cancer.
I thought I wanted to see bucket list but now am not too sure I do. Sky diving and hunting are not on my list of things to do.
I hope you have a good book to read or a good movie to watch today.
Charlotte in Rural Ridge, PA

Sent by Charlotte Kewish | 8:14 AM ET | 01-16-2008

I think this is one of the most purely beautiful blog entries you've written, Leroy- even with stiff competition from the past. Isn't that funny, really, because you noted it's hard sometimes to know what to say. What you've said is what real life is like, versus Hollywood. Yes, you love the movies, me too; but what's most meaningful are not the Big Events like sky-diving but the day-to-day 'small' moments with loved ones that turn out to be anything but small... This is truth that can make a difference in how we live day by day. (And as a person active in animal rescue/extinction issues, thanks for expressing your respect for all life.)

Sent by Barbara K | 8:16 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Here's a plan for you - watching movies in Hawaii with a Mai Tai in one hand, and Laurie's in the other, with other good friends topping off your glass and whispering bad jokes about the movie. Cheers!

More seriously, there never is enough time. I am glad you think about what is important to you. It is too easy to get caught u in busy-ness.

Sent by Robin L. Fairfax VA | 8:18 AM ET | 01-16-2008

No skydivng. Just enjoy the talks, wine,books and movies. Those aren't ordinary. Those are the best things we all can do. Light a fire, open that book and pour a glass and enjoy the day. With care, Anne

Sent by anne lumberger | 8:26 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Mornin' Leroy. The last line of your message today should have read, " That is the kind of thing I'm going TO DO" Yes, you are still able to do those things you mentioned. That is how you must believe. Are we all getting too preoccupied with that "ending" you spoke of instead of the path leading there? Oh, so much to be said, still, and little by little, aren't you getting back to thinking creativly, throwing out ideas, and your great talent seems to be inspiring people and encouraging them to think for themselves, put their feelings in writing and in short, communicate? Look how we all enjoy hearing you tell stories, ideas and past experiences.
Man~ you have a WEALTH of stuff locked up in your mind! WE are all waiting to hear it ALL.

Sent by J C R | 8:29 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Leroy,

The Bucket List is worth seeing. They don't go hunting but they do go on some great adventures. Of course the real story line isn't the adventures. It's deeper and quite moving.

We'll all keep plugging and praying for one another here.

Sent by Norma H. | 8:34 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Leroy, even when you are having a hard time finding something to write about you still come up with shareing feelings that so many people from this community are having, but probably feeling very alone with at times. Thanks for being there and try to find some enjoyment from doing the things that are important to you. Have a good day.

Sent by dorothy in oregon | 8:38 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Dear Leroy, I have never seen the Grand Canyon...although looking at it on Google Earth is amazing. I really, really want to see it in person. Anyway, I always say, I will NOT die until I see the Grand Canyon. I plan on seeing it when I'm 99. smile.
Susan

Sent by Susan | 8:42 AM ET | 01-16-2008

In terms of content, inspire people with your views of the richness of life -- past, present and future. Focus on the things that define you...not driven by the intruder.

Sent by Dave | 8:53 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Just tears here today.

Cancer sucks.

Sent by Melissa T | 8:59 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Leroy and all, "life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away..." I don't know who said it, but I thank God daily that I found it. It was a motto that my fiance and I lived by during his illness. It is those moments that I hang onto and the ones that keep me moving forward each day. I pray you and Laurie have lots of those moments too! Make them count! God's peace and abundant blessings to all of you!

Sent by Laurie Hirth | 9:04 AM ET | 01-16-2008

leroy, you may want to rent a movie called its a mad, mad, mad world. its so dumb/goofy thats its really funny. watch with a couple of friends. Godspeed. Sarah

Sent by sarah | 9:07 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Leroy, I think you've successfully shared HOW to fight illness with all of us - and all of us have identified with that, and have, might I dare say, improved how we think, feel and act while "fighting". What I read today is some instruction on how to feel and act when the doctors and medicine have done all that's humanly possible. You should consider communicating your thoughts and feelings at this stage of your disease as equally, if not MORE, important to us as readers. We're looking for the role model, the "how to do it" manual for how to live life after all the treatments possible have been done. Your thoughts now will continue to inspire and instruct the rest of us in ways that hopefully will change us NOW - so that we say and do those very important things with and for those we love. Thank you once again, for sharing from the heart of the matter. Peace to you and Laurie.

Sent by Martha in FL | 9:16 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Good morning Leroy,
Did you listen to NPR this morning? If you'd like a quick "pick-me-up" listen to the story about Astronomer Noreen Grice. She translates celestial images into a braille format for the blind. Her story is one that, to me, restores faith, which brightens the day..and seems to dim that which is not pleasant. I hope your day offers you the same.

Sent by Sharon | 9:17 AM ET | 01-16-2008

I love the line in Star Trek, "make it so number one!" Some things we "make it so" but so many of the truly consequential things are just outside of our control and I'm sorry you are having more days where you have no control. But the "Bucket List" is touchingly funny - no killing of animals but alas death does occur. This may not be a day for a good book, good movie, or great glass of wine, but know that friends are thinking of you and this might just be a day to "moan" with one of them :+) You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Sent by molly | 9:22 AM ET | 01-16-2008

What part of "go to Hawaii" do you not understand???

Sent by bettye | 9:24 AM ET | 01-16-2008

I think when we all seriously analyze what we want more of in life, if we've been one of the lucky ones, it will be more of the same. So... in that light, haven't you been lucky!

Sent by Kathleen | 9:36 AM ET | 01-16-2008

You have echoed my thoughts. It seems unreal at times but I only have to look at my blistered and cracked fingers and black toes from chemo to know that my life will be cut short. Staying positive and strong are great qualities (I know too well) but I am weary and tired and the load gets heavier as my energy wanes. Where else can I find strength within? I have looked deep and hard, in every nook and corner, in the very darkness, sometimes I see a flicker and I grab it with all my heart but alas, the flame burns out. So I go in search once again. Where do you find yours?

Sent by christine | 9:44 AM ET | 01-16-2008

There is still too much to do and to much to see and too much to write about. Keep that in your mind.

Have a pain free day and laugh at least 5 times about something really silly.

Sent by Carol, Nashville | 9:47 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Leroy~ I believe that when I get to where I'm going, I'm not going to miss earthly things such as wine, books, etc. Its going to be much much better there. But while we are here, those are good things to enjoy. Have a good day no matter what.

Sent by DiAnn | 9:48 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Leroy,
I understand the feelings that you express about having unfinished things. I started a support group for cancer survivors (this is our 3rd month to meet) and we ALL feel as if we have much to do before we die. Most of us have no desire to skydive. The list of wants are far more mundane. Topping the list is ; watching children grow up; seeing grandkids graduate,finishing a home project( thats a common thread since we are mostly homeless thanks to Katrina)and getting back to work. Everyone in my group have faced the most awful experiences, as I said, we have cancer and lost EVERYTHING we owned, sometimes even loved ones to the worst disaster in the history of the U.S. However, we persevere, because the survival instinct runs stong within humans.
peace
liz

Sent by liz Zimmerman | 9:54 AM ET | 01-16-2008

YEA Bettye! I am with you!!!! Mai Tais on me. :)

Sent by Sue Chap | 9:57 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Hey Leroy...maybe you SHOULD go skydiving and scare the crap out of your cancer! I know I wouldn't hang around too long if you pushed me out of a plane.

Sent by Pat A | 9:58 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Leroy, I understand completely. When I was diagnosed for the 2nd time I thought if the news wasn't good I'd want to spend my last days shopping w/ Mom at TJ's and having dinner at Outback Steak House. Susan, I too always wanted to see the Grand Canyon, and 1 year after my 1st diagnosis I hiked it with a friend for the 1st time - it was worth every bit of it and a trip I will never ever forget.

Sent by Beth | 10:00 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Leroy,
It's living in the "now" that we take for granted too often. It's easy to think that you will always have time for all the books in the world, another glass of wine with friends, and just little moments that make up every day.
But remember, the sum of all of those things is far greater than its parts. Yes, you have living to do--and you are doing it, every day, by connecting with everyone here, and those you love.

Sent by Kathleen Schmidt, NJ | 10:09 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Reading today's posts, especially the deply personal ones like Christine's, the sense of longing is so strong. Longing for more time to linger unencumbered by reminders of our own mortality. An opponent of capital punishment, I have always felt the loss of one's liberty and self determination to be the ultimate punishment. Cancer for me was a prison sentence. It controlled my every thought and action. I've been sprung- for how long nobody knows but I'm determined to live an honest life everyday.
Peace to you Leroy and to us all.

Sent by Jessie | 10:10 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Dearest Leroy,

I agree with you about the things you would miss. The odds are in my favor that I beat my cancer (1 year remission so far) but I still think of every day as "an extra". I would like to see some things in this world but most of all I am just starting to live life relishing those around me and it feels amazing.

At 38 with cancer and some physical changes, I wondered if I would find anyone interested in "taking on the challenge". Well, to my surprise, after kissing lots of toads, I think I found a prince. We watched the Bucket List yesterday and he feared it would be too rough on me. A couple of the chemo scenes got me but I didn't cry but rather understood the point of the movie and felt proud that at 38 I am living "The Bucket List". I am loving those around me with all my heart, forgiving slights and doing what I can to enjoy my days. It didn't take me 70 years to figure it out. I'm super lucky. My poor 6'1" 280lb boyfriend on the other hand sat next to me in a bucket of tears. I hugged him and secretly giggled. That does not kill you makes you stronger I guess.

I share this just to give a joyful story and to let you know that all that you write here helped me reach this day. I thank you for that from the bottom of my very big heart.

Hugs and prayers to you and Laurie,

Lori

Sent by Lori Levin | 10:11 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Leroy, don't put off your wish list as you mourn your past life. Life is precious. Try to do something that makes you happy every day...even if it is just a small little thing.
Mel

Sent by Mel Sebastiani | 10:16 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Leroy, and all--I'm just returning to this list after a week. I had to go home to bury my father, who died at 69, of a heart attack. We lost my mom almost two years ago, at 65, to colon cancer. I am so tired of this. I told all the aunties and uncles, and my siblings, to take their vitamins and do their exercises and see their doctors, because I can't do this again. Not for a while. It's ironic--when I was diagnosed with IBC almost 7 years ago, I was pretty I'd be gone first (and certainly gone by now), and yet here I sit, with my hair and my health and my seemingly long, untouched future. I'm feeling pretty guilty about that (although I know I shouldn't--Mom and Dad wanted me to be well, and I'm doing my best). I told a couple of people this week (in Calgary) about this blog, and how my husband insists it's a bit morbid that I insist on reading it. I know many of us agree that our families care deeply, but they just don't understand our situations. This community is very important to us, to me, because y'all are the only people who know how I feel--cheated, and confused, and more than a little surprised at how this life seems to go.

Read the darned book! And have some wine. And be nice to somebody--ANYbody. It can't hurt.

Peace
jj

Sent by Joan Jones | 10:20 AM ET | 01-16-2008

My Cancer is in remission,but not my life. My personal bucket list is, like yours, full of the ordinary things that, in reflection, are extrordinary.

At 65 I have just mailed off my application to the Peace Corps...if they reject me (as they did when I was 19) then I will look for another place that can use whatever skills life has taught me.

Have to just keep going at any pace we can mange.

Peggy

Sent by Peggy | 10:25 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Dear Leroy,

You sound quite down ...........almost as if you feel that the end is near...............I have no words today...............just prayers.

Sent by Sasha | 10:30 AM ET | 01-16-2008

I know there are too many wonderful books to read in this life. I like to think that Heaven (of course there is a Heaven!) WILL be a cozy chair, a pile of good books, a deck overlooking the crashing waves on the North Shore of Lake Superior, and the company of all the friends and family who have crossed over before me. There will be cats in my lap, a dog at my feet, and lots of laughter and joy everywhere. And lobster for dinner.

Who can tell me this is not so? No one! It's a great comfort.

Sent by wendy | 10:40 AM ET | 01-16-2008

I was very sad last night to read on NPR.org of the death of one of our champions; Dr. Judah Folkman,MD. Dr. Folkman discovered angiogenesis, the process by which malignant tumors draw blood supply to them to allow them to live and to grow. He was the chief of surgery at Childrens' Hospital in Boston when I was a freshman nursing student there in the 70's. I babysat his children, and remember warmly what a kind man he was. When they'd come home from their dinner out, his wife would go upstairs to check on the children. It was then that he'd take a few minutes to ask me about my studies, and offer encouragement. I didn't know at the time that in addition to being a surgeon, he was also doing cancer research.
Imagine my surprise then, when a few years ago, I saw his picture on the cover of Time or Newsweek as the man who may have found the cure to cancer. He was busy doing interviews after that, correcting the impression that he'd found the Holy Grail, and was quoted as saying that it was your lucky day if you were a mouse with cancer. He was ridiculed for years for his conclusions about angiogenesis, a term that he coined, but he wasn't upset by the derision. He just commented that many cancer researchers didn't have his advantage of also being a surgeon. He'd seen how very bloody malignant tumors were in situ.
The NPR story mentioned that his work is having great application in treatments of the eye. I think that's a fitting legacy for a man who was so far-sighted. Thank you Dr. Folkman.

Sent by Nancy K. Clark | 10:46 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Leroy, Any time with friends and family would be high on my list. How about Storm Chasing? Too many things for a list, just too many. I wouldn't go sky diving either, Hawaii sounds much more pleasant. Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 10:49 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Leroy,
I wish you didn't have to suffer so much to have positively impacted soe many people the way you have. At 57, I am 5 years post minor heart attack that wasn't quite the wake-up call it should have been. Busy job, lots of volunteer activities - all of us have a time deficit of some type. I have been working at home more, which my dogs appreciate as we get to take more walks on our almost 100 acres in the Finger Lakes Region. In the room I work, I have a big picture window that looks out on the wildlife I feed. It pains me that in my large den I am surrounded by more music and books - the movies are in another room - that I will not get to enjoy in this life. Your willingness to share your experience in your blog and has helped encouage me to re-prioritize my life.
Thank you. Wishing you a pain free, sun filled day.

Jay

Sent by Jay Schissell | 10:52 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Dear Leroy,
I saw The Bucket List yesterday and the trailers don't do it justice. For one thing, no animals get killed! And the skydiving part is just a humorous blip in the action. I won't say more and give it all away but it's a movie filled with hope that no one diagnosed with a life-threatening disease should miss. You want to see this, Leroy...it's one of those life-changing ones that don't come along very often.
Love and hug to you today from Pat

Sent by Pat McRee | 10:53 AM ET | 01-16-2008

My ultimate goal was to be arrested at 80 for something I believed in. I know that won't happen now but I will pursue protesting the things I think are wrong and speaking out for those who often don't have a voice until I can not.

On a lighter note I have four places and one event I still want to experience. I won't make all of these but I have already been blessed to see so many wonderful places. My four are: Dublin, Moscow, India and Peru, the event is the French Open. I had Peru booked when I was first diagnosed and had to cancel, that will always nag me. If I make it until May I will try and do the French Open. I'll work on the others one at a time with whatever time I have left.

The important thing is I take joy in every day. I continue to be fortunate in being able to do the work I love. I want to live to vote in the 2008 election. I have had a Bejing 2008 Olympic hat since I went to China in 2004--I want to wear it while the Olympics are on. It may not happen but I'm dreaming.

I am glad that you are taking joy in the things around you. Movies, friends and wine make life very special. Enjoy.

Sent by Dona | 11:14 AM ET | 01-16-2008

The New York Times video section has a video about a young man who is perfecting jumping out of an airplane with a flight suit instead of a parachute. it also shows him leaping off buildings. he sees these feats as the life he was called to do. after the video, he spent the rest of the day leaping out of the plane in one of these new flight suits. the risks he takes each day are pretty high but he doesn't see any choice in how to lead his life. i think the way he goes about his life although having an enhanced risk of death are worth seeing for the people who have cancer. I like the same things you do, LeRoy, books, movies, wine, and since I get vertigo with heights, there is no way i will be leaping out of any plane as my "missed event" in life! carol

Sent by carol irvin | 11:28 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Good morning, Leroy. We had a pastor once who suggested heaven might be what we each enjoyed most. He wanted a cabin in CO near a trout stream. If he's right, I will be able to read every book ever written no matter the language it was written in. See you in the library.

Sent by glenda | 11:29 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Leroy, A sad post. The only thing I can say is that when I have moments of fear about the possibility of dying sometime soon I think about it and realize that even if I lived to 100 it would be hard to let go of those things you mention--good books, good friends, good conversations, good music, the beauty of the world around us to appreciate. I am never, at any age, going to feel like I've done enough of those things. It really won't matter, in the grand scheme of how I feel about dying, if it happens when I am young (I'm in my 40s) or much older.

Sent by N.R. | 11:30 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Leroy, I read your blog every day. How I wish my brother, who died of cancer last year, had known about it. His illness was brief--only six months from diagnosis to death. We didn't know how to talk to him, nor he to us. Your wonderful blog covers so many subjects--fighting the beast, pain and exhaustion, anger, anxiety, hope, gratitude, regret--but never fear of dying. Can you comment on that?

Sent by Marion Lane | 11:31 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Leroy and all members of this forum, I wish you so much love today.

Sent by liz | 11:34 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Leroy .. recd FedEx today that told me my Family Leave from my job will expire Jan.23, my radiation treatments won't be done until Jan.29th. Where treatments are located, not sure if I can make Jan.23rd date...I have been on short term disability since Thymoma surgery 10/31/07...yep, on Halloween. Anyway, live in FL, house has been for sale since June 8th and husband hasn't been able to find a job. Not sure what tomorrow brings, but know God will bring me through it! Take each day and ENJOY each day for what it is worth -- and each day IS precious. Make believe the wine is water if unable to tolerate the wine, and one can always enjoy good company. We can be lonely, but we are never alone. Enjoy this day Leroy!

Sent by Jo Ann Baswell | 11:40 AM ET | 01-16-2008

If you could *really* write a daily blog about living with cancer, you would be writing many of the same things every day. It probably wouldn't be an interesting read unless you are in cancer land yourself.

We've talked about all the aspects but they don't go away just because they've been discussed. We live every day with fear, pain, uncertainty, hopes, dreams, treatments, progression.

I personally would be delighted to see a blog entry of "taking the day off from thinking about cancer" ;-) Just for one day, pretend you don't have the darned thing. Pretend you over did it at the gym and it's your birthday, then tell us what you did on your "day off" ;-)

Sent by Karen D. | 11:41 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Leroy, If it's hard - you wouldn't know it by reading them! Somehow every day you do it beautifully.

Today you answered one of the things I've been wondering about. It's nice to hear that you know what you enjoy and that it is all entirely do-able.

If one day you find yourself looking for topics - here's a few ideas of things I'm curious about that others might be curious about too.

Is there anthing we can do for you or on your behalf besides pray and read and post?

I also wonder how you feel about your life so far. What are your best memories, your best days and moments? You've told us a few good ones already and more than a few amazing and scary ones. You've done so much and every time you share a memory like that, it is enchanting.

Also, is there anything you regret or wish were different?

If you beat this thing what would you want to do next, would you be different in any way from who you were before Cancer? And if you don't beat it, what do you think is next? Do you believe there is a part of us inside that moves on to something else or do you believe that we cease to exist?

I'm sorry to you and everyone reading if these questions are too blunt. The last thing I want to do is upset anyone. I just long to know more about these things because I lost someone I love last year to brain cancer. He was an amazing person and optimistic right up to the end. I'm not sure if he really felt that way or if it was his way of being strong for us. In any case I love him for being him but part of me wishes I understood better how he was really feeling about such things.

Peace and love

Sent by Nichole in FL | 11:53 AM ET | 01-16-2008

What a wonderful, yet sad posting. Like you, it is the little things I will "miss" when I'm gone, though will I? It's a mystery none of us will know till we cross that barrier. The only thing I cry for, when I do, is the thought that I may not see my kids (12 and 18) as they progress into adulthood and start their own families. I worry about who is going to do all the myriad little things that a mother does for her kids and to make a house a home.
But for now, I enjoy the little things like watching a good movie, and in a few weeks we're going on a short cruise to the Bahamas. If you are up to it, you should definitely take a trip together somewhere sunny and relaxing. I think pain is more bearable when you are someplace beautiful.
For a great light-hearted movie, I recommend "Once". And a book by O'nan, "Night at the Lobster"
Keep blogging; your words are always pertinent and moving.

Sent by Marcia Greer | 11:55 AM ET | 01-16-2008

Leroy and al

I've been away from this blog for couple of days because I was was hospitalized (oh joy!) to stop a threatened bleed-out from a routine colonoscopy totally unrelated to my brain cancer. The gliobliostoma continues to be invivible on the MRI I had three days before. My sister, a 20 year+ recurrent breast cancer survivor and counselor of women with potentially terminal diseases says that she'll feel cheated if she dies of something else.

After my recent experience, I have to agree. Why die of something even stupider than the main problem?

All of which is to say that we're all mortal and that's not all bad. Laurie has it partly right - It's the number of moments that take our breath away - and the number we spend lighting up the lives of others and making life more liveable for "the least of these," as one tradition has it. You have helped many of us realize that we are not alone and that the life of our embodied selves is not all the life we have or can share with others.

In short, we are much more than our embodied selves and can claim victory based on how we have lived - not how long. In the meantime, Hawaii is not such a bad idea.

John Shippee
Atlanta, Georgia

Sent by John Shippee | 12:01 PM ET | 01-16-2008

http://revthom.blogspot.com/2007/09/sermon-adventures-in-apologizing.html
My minister's widow recently reminded me that he favored this proverb: "Nothing is settled. Everything matters." Robert Walsh refers to him somewhat obliquely in his book. I found him being quoted by another minister online and copied it below. You can find the entire sermon at the link. Maybe this will help lift your spirits today.
I want to end this morning with the words of another Unitarian minister, Robert Walsh. Walsh writes about a man (Rev. Jim Curtis) who he knew who had stationery that carried the proverb: "Nothing is settled. Everything matters."

Walsh goes on to write that this proverb got under his skin, and he vehemently disagreed with it. His protest went like this:

"It???s not true that nothing is settled. In the past year choices have been made, losses suffered. There???s been growth and decay, commitments and betrayals. None of which can be undone??? One day this year I was present when someone needed me; another day I was busy doing something else at the moment someone needed me. One day I said something to a friend that injured our relationship; another day I said something kind. The best and worst of those days are written. And nothing, not tears, not joy, not sorrow can erase it."

Following this rant, Robert Walsh comes to see the proverb in a new light. Perhaps, he thinks, that "even though the past is the past, what is not settled is how the story turns out. As long as we are alive, the story of our life is still being told, and the meaning is still open. What is done is done, but nothing is settled; and if nothing is settled then everything matters: every choice, every act, every word, every deed. They matter in the days ahead and, most of all they matter today." [from his meditation manual, Noisy Stones, p. 22-23]

Sent by Dianne (DC) | 12:02 PM ET | 01-16-2008

The beauty of reading today's blog is that everyone seems to have their own "must do" list.

Please don't forget that even healthy people don't/can't meet all of their dreams. Few people do.

LeRoy - I am sure that we wish we could all share a nice bottle (or if it is all of us, several cases) of wine with you. In lieu of that, we send a collective toast:

Cheers To LeRoy's Health!

Best,
Liz

Sent by Liz L. | 12:42 PM ET | 01-16-2008

Larry,

a good book, a tacky joke, a donut, mai tai, a friendly smile, sun peeking out. i wish all of these things for you today.

Sent by Claire | 12:52 PM ET | 01-16-2008

Your list of the mundane things you want to do reminds me of a quotation I saw recently. It was written by a Unitarian minister named William Channing Gannet in 1908: ???The course of life is a thousand trifles then some crisis and then a thousand trifles and a crisis. Nothing but green leaves under common sun and shadow and then a storm or a rare summer day. And far more than the storm or the perfect day the common sun and the common shadow do make the autumn rich. It is the Every Days that count. They must be made to count or the years have failed.???

Sent by Doris | 1:06 PM ET | 01-16-2008

I agree with Pat -- we should ALL see "The Bucket List" -- the message is so true, so simple, so good. What a wonderful reminder it was! Too bad everyone walks out of the theatre while John Mayer sings the song "Say What You Need to Say" because the message in that song is powerful. Leroy, this blog enables people to "say what they need to say" and hopefully it encourages each of us to truly do that in person with people in our lives!! Here is a link to the John Mayer video which plays while you see images of the Bucket List -- it is really wonderful:
http://thebucketlist.warnerbros.com/BL-videoplayer.html?videopath=http://pdl.warnerbros.com/wbmovies/thebucketlist/musicvideo/jm_say.flv

Sent by Jill | 1:10 PM ET | 01-16-2008

I agree that you don't need to go sky diving. Don't you think you have already experienced your own version of "sky diving" over the last two years?
Sometimes it takes more courage and energy and stamina to fight a disease than is required for extreme sports. Go for the gold, Leroy!

Sent by Marilyn Trujillo | 1:41 PM ET | 01-16-2008

I didn't know if I could find the strength to even read your blog today. But somehow I did.

My sister died unexpectedly last evening. She did not have cancer, but was very ill and in horrible pain. Now my father has lost two of his three children, with most likely me next.

Yesterday I had my chest drained. Tomorrow I should get the results of the biopsy.

May we all find the strength to do what we have to do. May my gifted sister rest in peace, finally pain free.

Sent by Laurel M. Jones | 2:01 PM ET | 01-16-2008

Leroy,
I was thinking the other day about how my ability to concentrate has deteriorated considerably since my surgery, radiation and chemotherapy. I struggle to regain it by working on sudoku puzzles at home, and at work listening to blues music softly on my computer without commercial interruptions and making a conscious effort to close out distractions. And then I forget to do these things, because I have trouble concentrating! Oh well. Each day will have new challenges and rewards. And every day is a gift.

When my son was wrestling in high school and it would appear that progress had stopped in the match, the coach would yell MOVE to get through to his wrestler that it was time to exert additional energy to go to the next level. Recently I have been making the effort to think MOVE to jump start my brain to a new level.

You sound tired of where you are in your process. We love you, Leroy and are all hoping for a brighter tomorrow for you. Hang in there, buddy!

Sent by Martha | 3:08 PM ET | 01-16-2008

Leroy, Cancer has the potential to consume us on so many levels, doesn't it? Time. Attention. Emotional focus. Relationships. I've remarked that I don't have enough time to be sick, sitting in waiting rooms, having procedures. Oh for those days when I'd see the doc and he'd say, "Don't worry, it's nothing." Now it's always something. But as long as I can conceive of a good conversation, book, movie, glass of cabernet, outcome of an election, life does feel worth living. So I hope that sustains your focus. And, for me, the bucket list is an odd concept. I like my life as it is; I don't feel there are a series of things I never got to do--I just want to keep doing what I've always done.
I hope this blog isn't becoming too burdensome for you.

Sent by sajenkins | 3:52 PM ET | 01-16-2008

We all started life with a list, an agenda, and we'll all go out with the same.......no beginning or ending.......but lists, agendas and the inherent realization, that "time" will not let us get to it all. Again......remember it is the journey. (AND in my humble opinion, that must mean reading as many books as I possibly can while I am here!) OOOH, so many to read.
Wanda Amorose

Sent by Wanda Amorose | 3:53 PM ET | 01-16-2008

To Laurel.............my prayers are with you and your family.

Sent by Sasha | 3:58 PM ET | 01-16-2008

everyone with cancer and their families should see The Bucket List. The thoughts of Morgan Freeman hit close to home but it makes you cry and laugh too. I have a list and skydiving has been on it through out this whole battle. Excitment and the thought of doing something normal makes me want to do it -not that I am dying.

Sent by Cathy | 4:30 PM ET | 01-16-2008

To Laurel: my heart is with you today after reading about losing your sister. In the past 2 years, I lost my sister, my mother and also dealt with my cancer. I am sending you my love, sending you warmth and hope and blessings. from Sherri in Texas, BC dx 4-06

Sent by Sherri Eggleston | 4:40 PM ET | 01-16-2008

The stuff of an ordinary life, well-lived. That is all that we really ask. To talk to our kids, to have dinner with your parents, to talk on the phone with friends.

I agree, not skydiving. Unless that is what you've always wanted to do.

The thing that is unreal about 'The Bucket List' is that it presupposes that you're well enough to GO skydiving. I'm just trying to work long enough to provide for my family after I'm gone. I don't feel well enough to travel to Morocco or Burma.

And I don't know when things will turn terribly wrong in a few hours. Do I want to be on Mt. Everest if I get an intestinal blockage?

Sent by Scott S. | 4:45 PM ET | 01-16-2008

A student of mine who was diagnosed w. (adult)ovarian cancer w. mets to liver 2 months ago, was sent home from Houston today to spend her last days...She is 13. How do we even begin to accept/comprehend this?? from Sherri in Texas, BC dx 4-06

Sent by Sherri Eggleston | 4:46 PM ET | 01-16-2008

For Christine, and for Laurel, for Leroy and Laurie and all of our blog community:

Sweet Darkness

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your womb
tonight.

The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

You must learn one thing:
the world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

~ David Whyte ~

Sent by Sarah | 4:47 PM ET | 01-16-2008

I know what you mean Leroy. Sometimes I think - gee, I "had" breast cancer. Notice my positive response. I don't want to go skydiving either. But, speaking of books I read the book Live like I was dying and it was delightful reading.

Sent by Carolyn | 4:50 PM ET | 01-16-2008

Leroy, if it is not off bounds to ask, have you been able to bring to heel the infection you had after the last bit hospitalization?

Sent by Sarah | 4:51 PM ET | 01-16-2008

My husband recently passed away from a cancer so rare that even doctors at a highly respected medical center had seen nothing like it. After seeing your TV special, he became a daily reader of your blog and felt that you were someone who understood exactly how he felt. If he could, he would tell you that there is something sacred in the ordinary. You don't need a list. Just continue living your best possible life and reaching out to others. There's really nothing better than that.

Sent by Linda | 5:05 PM ET | 01-16-2008

The small things in life are the ones we so relish when we are in cancer world. "Comfort food" for life. We all have our definition of what that is.

When my 18 year old found out that his mom was in cancer world. His immediate reaction - with tears in his eyes. "Mom it is about scrabbled eggs on Saturday morning", as he choked back tears. Yes indeed life is about those small seemingly insignificant moments that bring pleasure in our everyday lives.

Sent by Joy | 5:06 PM ET | 01-16-2008

Dear Leroy,

Lists are good, because they give us something to shoot for. Mundane or exciting...doesn't matter. It's the idea of getting the items on the list done that matters. And, since the list is ever growing there is always something to try to accomplish. It never ends. Thank g-d, it never ends.

Charlotte, I'm so glad to hear you are NED. I had wondered, with your move and all, and your mention of the pic line and having them take it out, where you stood. Such good news!

Sent by Marcy in NJ | 5:20 PM ET | 01-16-2008

I understand...when I was 20 and my cancer returned for a third time and it was between my heart, lung and spine and I had no real option left-I felt the same way. I didn't want to do all the "before I die stuff" in movies. I wanted to be with family and friends and so that's what I do and the extreme miracle is somehow I did not die and I pray for the same for you!

Sent by Rachel B | 5:30 PM ET | 01-16-2008

Laurel, I am sorry to hear about your sister...may you and your family find comfort in the arms of friends and relatives. Your blog friends send you comfort as well...

Leroy, no matter what you write about...I am always inspired. Thank you for always being you...

Sent by Faun | 5:50 PM ET | 01-16-2008

Leroy,
The message today is a little bittersweet but oh so true. I want my husband to have a "bucket list" and I want to be able to fulfill it but the realities of cancer are that finances don't usually allow for much of that. We do try to enjoy the simple things of life. I am shortening this so that we may play with our beautiful granddaughter. As some famous said "roads are made for journeys, not destinations". Enjoy the scenery.

Sent by Kathie | 5:55 PM ET | 01-16-2008

Did anyone say share wine?
Love
Elena and Aziz

Sent by elena turner | 6:19 PM ET | 01-16-2008

Dear Leroy
Once again you nailed my feelings exactly. At first I was disappointed that I didn't have an exotic "Bucket List". I thought it indicated a lack of imagination or sense of adventure. Now I realize that it demonstrates completeness in the community of caring that we have built and contentment with our lives. We are blessed. I understand completely and wish you continued joy.

Sent by Miriam | 8:27 PM ET | 01-16-2008

Leroy,
When I was going through chemo, I borrowed my son's Gameboy and played Tetris, that is, until the thumb action pushed the needle through my vein and infused a whole lot of stuff into my arm (looked like a major "blow-up") I do sometimes wonder if cancer can get sort of like Tetris in that you keep managing those dropping bricks until they come faster and faster until they bury you. It's just too damned bad that you can't press the re-set button and start all over again.

As always Leroy and Laurie, my thoughts are with you. I hope you can enjoy as many simple pleasures as possible and that you can be pain free or at least comfortable.

Peace,

Sent by betsey | 9:10 PM ET | 01-16-2008

Hi, Leroy,

I was going to post yesterday, but got interrupted. Yesterday, it was lyrics to the song "Stand" by Rascal Flatts that your post brought to mind.

Today, as I read your post there is a Christian Contemporary song Twila Paris recorded called "The Warrior is a Child", that I will post after I say a couple of things.

There is a difference between people who have always been strong and vital and people who lose little bits of their abilities to do things as their life goes on and it is a sad one. I am one of the latter and I realize that in a weird way I have been blessed because of it.

I will only give you a quick idea of the things I've butted my head against in my life, allergies and asthma, all my life, arthritis at 12, irritable bowel syndrome all my life before they really knew what it was, sero-neg RA in my 20's, fibromyalgia in my 30's, 3 car accidents (not fender benders either), major depression in my 40's along with the other stuff still continuing, allergies to the point where I couldn't eat getting worse every year, and for the grand finale ovarian cancer with lymph node mets at 54 and I thought that was the end of me. I'm 55 now and my cancer is in early remission, but we all know that can change in a heartbeat.

I list these things because even from childhood to present day each of the things in the list have robbed me of the ability and freedom to do things that would be on my 'bucket list' whether I live to 56 or 96.

I can't go to a restaurant and enjoy a meal because the allergies can send me into anaphylactic shock. Eating at home isn't much fun either, day to day. I can't climb stairs, I can't run, I can't walk through a mall comfortably, I can't... the list goes on. I have felt robbed all my life.

Ironically the cancer did give me one freedom, a sigmoid colostomy that has given me some control over the irritable bowel syndrome and I don't spend hours with cramps and diarrhea in the bathroom like I did.

Where am I headed with this? Vital people like you, Leroy, just gotta hunt for some of the little things to replace some of the big things. My husband says I am like a cat with a paper bag in that I enjoy some of the simpliest things and that is because as active things have been taken from me, I have replaced them with other things.

I may get yelled at or fussed at by some in here for what I'm saying, but this time I'll handle it and push down the fear.

Here is stuff I've thrown into my bucket:
I discovered contemporary Christian music.
I found I had fun playing X-Men's Wolverine or Storm in Yahoo Group play by email games where we post emails as those characters in a situation and we act it out in the emails.
I discovered LiveJournal.com which is similar but different than My Space, where I can journal my feelings, but also pull in RSS feeds from things like "icanhascheeseburger.com," or NASA Science, there are communities of just about any subject you could want. Icanhascheeseburgers is one of them and has pictures people have taken of cats or other animals with silly dialogue that fits the picture. They are funny and some are hilarious.
I travel the world on the web since I have only been out of Texas 3 times in my life to Colorado, New Mexico, and Arizona. I work on family history (all research on the computer) and have helped some folks who had limited time left in their lives who wanted to know who their ancestors were and where they came fun. I'm first cousin several times removed to Robert E. Lee. No biggie but fun to know.
I thought I was pretty near dead in Oct 2006, when I had the cancer surgery, but I couldn't miss the episodes of "Meercat Manor" on Animal Planet channel even while I was in ICU.

I want you to be happy, or at least entertained with an occasional giggle out of you. I hurt when I read your posts and the posts of others in here. I want to reach out to each and everyone in here, but that is impossible. I also know that where you are in life right now is like the scene in "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" where they are on that cliff and there is only one way out. "Thelma and Louise" had the same type of scenario. You, Leroy, and I don't know how many other folks or their family members are in that stage of life right now and... Words fail me here.

I have changed the rules and replaced a trip to Maui that will never happen for me with a paper bag filled with internet travels and being with my family and collecting a few stuffed animals from Build-a-Bear online shop and trying to wait patiently for a new season of "Meercat Manor."

I hope and pray that you can change the rules and find you a few new paperbags. If you need a guide, I'm here and so are a lot of other people probably that may know you personally. You have my email address. I mean what I am telling your right now.

I've said enough for now, but I care and others do, too. Maybe with your condition update, we need to add the joke for the day to your blog or a fun picture or a memory from your journalism days. You have been to places and done things I can only imagine.

Please feel our love and thoughts for you and our prayers. The lyrics to the Christian Contemporary song sung by Twila Paris, "The Warrior is A Child", will be below my signature.

Sincerely,
Bobbie
Odessa, Texas

"The Warrior is a Child"

(lyrics found at www.mp3lyrics.org/D6GO)

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears
And they don't know that I go
running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child
Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet
And they don't know that I go
running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child
And they don't know that I go
running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

Sent by Bobbie | 11:22 PM ET | 01-16-2008

I think the reason some people engage in dare devil type activities is to feel more alive. To get the thrilling sensation of being close to death's door and walk away unscathed. The great thing about cancer is you get to save the money you'd be spending on the sky diving equipment. We get that same thrill every day for free.

Sent by Scott Fertig | 11:28 PM ET | 01-16-2008

Leroy, I do admire your courage. I read your blog every day and cry every day. Not only for you and what you are going through but for my husband you experienced the many symptoms of pain and sufferering you are. He wasn't as fortunate as you, the radiation took him so far down he could no longer fight the cancer, why didn't the doctors see this?
But, I too go home every day and wonder why this disease chose us. My husband used to say "why not me", I'm going to beat this and did he every try. My thoughts and prayers are with you daily Leroy. May God Bless.

Sent by Cindy | 4:58 AM ET | 01-17-2008

During the almost 2 years since I was diagnosed with an incurable cancer, I have rarely, if ever, entertained fantasies of traveling the world or going skydiving. To me, family and friends are what matter most.

Kristy

Sent by Kristy | 12:26 PM ET | 01-17-2008

I thoroughly enjoyed all of the comments above. I also read your article which I assume was on the radio. I have been battling non-hodgkens lymphoma for 18 years now. I have been in and out of treatment and also had radiation. I am in treatment now again and find that I have two different kinds of lymphoma. Sometimes I can't believe I have it, and some days I don't even think of it. There are lots of things I want to do too, and I think that is what keeps me going. I want to travel, and it seems like I want to go everywhere. We have had to cancel three trips this last year, and this year (2008), I am going! I wish you luck in your treatments, and just keep looking out there somewhere in the future. The good book/wine sounds good.

Sent by Susan Barnes | 4:23 PM ET | 01-17-2008

Hey Leroy! Please take those meds -- there's no valor in pain, and it hurts your body's ability to heal. And it ... um, hurts! Talked with best bud Mark in the Woods tonight (my darling daughter's moniker) -- he's starting his 3rd go-round with the big C -- got a port for the first time yesterday. He has heard you speak, but said, "I've been avoiding him ever since." Sigh. I think you're very wise and thoughtful. But of course, so is Mark in the Woods, in his own way. Anyway, some of the things you have expressed are helping me help him. Thank you.

Sent by Victoria Ferreira | 9:55 PM ET | 01-17-2008

Leroy, thanks again for your thoughts. As I have now returned to work after my colon cancer chemo, I find my 'free time' more precious to me. Funny, I don't miss the 'blah' feeling of the post-chemo days, but I miss the time without meetings, agendas and to-do lists.
Eckard Tolle wrote a book called The Power of Now.... it echoes what many have written here... enjoy the present moment as it has its' redeeming qualities. Enjoy a glass of wine for me, as my liver functions are not back to normal. Read a book, call an old friend, watch a movie, talk with Laurie...these are the important things.

this blog is also a critical part of many people's lives. it may not get you the critical acclaim of your former journalistic endeavors, but it may be the most important work of your life.
Thank you again and again. I pray that you find peace on your journey.

Sent by Lou Loggi | 9:27 AM ET | 01-19-2008