Ouch! What a posting, Leroy. I cannot agree with you more. You hear about more serious illness, more late stage diagnosis, more young people dying. Is it because of the news, media in general, ease of communication? Or just because the more we know the more we can be aware.

I would like to be able foresee the future, I really would. Right now though that isn't even an option and maybe that is better. It may prevent me from completing a task, but then again, it may change how I interact with a person. What a dilemma!

Sent by Sue Chap | 8:56 AM ET | 01-03-2008

When it comes to life and death, deservedness and undeservedness seem straw people. Tens of thousands of children die EVERY DAY from starvation and malnutrition. What did any of them do to deserve that?

If one believes in a god, one has to accept that reason was granted by that being, and so it doesn't seem unreasonable to use reason to ask questions. If reason is wrong, the giver of reason was wrong to give it. If there is a creator, then he/she/it created, directly or indirectly, everything there is, including cancer.

There is no deservedness or undeservedness. There only is. The only good thing we can know for sure is the good we do for each other.

Sent by Leonard from Alabama | 9:01 AM ET | 01-03-2008

Well you are a beacon of sunshine today, aren't you?
While we all ask those questions, we also realize that they are questions that do not help our situation. Why do bad things happen to bad people? Why do good things happen to bad people? I suppose God does know, but it isn't something we can understand. We just have to soldier on, asking those questions, knowing full well the answer is not going to make a bit of difference. I think we can let it make us better people, or we can let it destroy us. I hope we all opt to let it make us better. Not in that naval gazing way, but in a real way that matters. Making some positive changes in our lives, and those of the people around us while we can. Maybe that is the answer, we got cancer to help the people around us see the importance of being good and decent people. After all, don't we have enough Paris Hiltons?

Sent by Brit | 9:18 AM ET | 01-03-2008

Life is unfair, yes. But our Creator is not. We live in an imperfect world, where "time and unforeseen occurrence befall" us. It is not wrong to question, but in seeking the truth one finds that the divine plan is not beyond our understanding. Please have strength and heart to continue facing your health concerns with valor, assured that you are not alone.

Sent by Linda | 9:38 AM ET | 01-03-2008

Oy, we're discussing the meaning of life before I've even had my coffee?

Sent by Karole Ives, Duluth MN | 9:39 AM ET | 01-03-2008

Our breast cancer chat room is having to deal with the issue you raised right now. One of our regular chatters, a woman who has been a beacon of hope, knowledge and understanding in our chat room, and who has helped countless people who come there for help, is now dying. She is 42. She made her own funeral arrangements and bought a cematary plot yesterday. I had a long conversation with her yesterday. Her main regret is that her husband, who is four years younger than she, is going to have a really difficult time after losing her. She told me that she was grateful that all of the many, many treatments and surgeries that she'd been through in the last two years had extended her life as long as they had, and that she isn't going to loose her mind from brain metastisis. It is impossible to explain being grateful to be dying from the destruction of ones' liver from the spread of breast cancer, rather from brain mets to someone for whom that was never an issue. To those who read this who pray, please pray for my friend Laura and her husband Scott and their families. They'll need the prayers.

Sent by Nancy K. Clark | 9:40 AM ET | 01-03-2008

LeRoy, I am 59 years old and went through the horrors of colon cancer in most of my 58th year. I do not think that I am too young to die though. When my father was growing up in a small town in Maine (born 1922), it was very common for people to die all the time, of all ages. There was no insulin for diabetes. There was no rx for epilespy (his 26 year old uncle strangeld to death on it in his sleep one night). Women often died of childbirth, including his own grandmother of "childbirth fever." He even attended funerals of those who had burst appendix. Finally, a 60 year old person was an old person back then. People died at that age all the time but they rarely knew what they had. Presumably many of them had cancer and just died of it outright. So medical science has brought a lot of us an awfully long way. Heck, I can even remember the people getting treatment for cancer when I was growing up, in the 1960s, and not only was it infinitely more painful than what we have today but it rarely worked or not for long. My colon cancer might come back. Or something else might get me. But only by the standards of 2007 would I consider myself 'Young" and entitled to another couple of decades! I did have the bursting appendix in 1953 and they saved me. I did have unipolar depression in 1974 and they saved me again. Hell, I should have never lived to see 2007 by most odds makers! So rather than asking "why me?", we should be asking ourselves why we have been given so much longer than any other person in all of recorded history! I believe in certain eras the average life span was about 35 and in certain third world countries, like Chad, it is still only 35. Why them and not us? carol

Sent by carol irvin | 9:44 AM ET | 01-03-2008

Dear Leroy,

Yesterday I sounded very brave when I posted about perserverence and putting up a fight against the beast. It's funny, only 24 hours has passed and I am now back to my old self, being afraid , asking "Why".............Today my husband starts a new round of chemotherapy for lung mets. You would think that after almost two years we would kind of get used to the place..........but one never does! Same walls, same recliners, same nurses, but many of the patients are gone and new people are arriving.

You are right on target today, as usual. Why do so many people have this dreadful disease? And of course, the same old question for me " Why my husband"........."Why so young" My children are grown and we were looking forward to the so called "Golden Years" ....... People say that life is not fair..........I say that life is fair but sometimes it's not NICE. Thanks for listening to my pre-chemo venting..........

Sent by sasha | 9:46 AM ET | 01-03-2008

Man, I wonder about that a lot too! I'm 5 months "young" into this late stage cancer diagnosis thing, so I'm still asking "why me?", but beyond that I too wonder, "why so many of us?". I speculate that assuming we aren't falling into another dark ages with cancer being our "plaugue" that people will in the future find out that there's something causing all of this that we might have known, but didn't. That's an incredibly frustrating notion, but as your earlier commenter said. Tens of thousands of children die every day and we DO know what's causing that, and still we allow it to happen. I don't know, I have a CT scan this morning after 6 weeks of doing nothing because they don't know where my cancer started, and while it's in my liver now, the masses they pay attention to aren't shrinking from any chemo, but aren't growing either. My fear and worry is, ok, those 4 places haven't changed, but meantime, what's going on throughout the entire rest of my body? Do we just wait until I'm in pain and my functions fail to do anything? I feel like I'm a living time bomb that's about to go off. Maybe we all are and I just saw a glow.

Sent by PattiB | 9:46 AM ET | 01-03-2008

I have had people ask how do I think I got it. I'm healthy, run marathons and have no family history. My response is that I grew up in the midwest eating apples with lots of pesticide. What I really know, it's random. How do any of us know why this happens?

Sent by lisa | 9:49 AM ET | 01-03-2008

Today's blog dredged up memories of people hearing my diagnosis of lung cancer: THEY looked stricken and it was as though I saw my death in their faces.

However...Leroy et al...while cancer IS happening every day and happening to a lot of us, so are remissions (both short and long term). I don't want to seem naive, but want to note that early detection and improved treatment are making huge differences in life after The Twilight Zone that begins with one's diagnosis of cancer.

Peggy

Sent by Peggy | 9:52 AM ET | 01-03-2008

You know, I've never said "why me" when it comes to my cancer. "Why not me". I've lived a very fortnate life. I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful children. I'm trying everyday not to let my cancer diagnosis define the rest of my life. It was just a bump in the road and I know that lots more people have it A LOT worse than I. So to cancer I say, "who cares". You won't defeat my faith in life.

Sent by jen barad | 9:52 AM ET | 01-03-2008

Hi Leroy:

What a post today. And boy do I hear you. I lost my two brothers, age 11 and 12 in a drowning accident when I was in high school. In 2005, my younger sister, age 25, passed away with a brain aneurysm. Then, in January 2007, both I and my dad were diagnosed with Melanoma - when my daughter was only 4 months old. Lucky to say, we both seem to have caught it just in time. And then, the loss of my mom at age 53. My family struggles with the question of how could this happen to so many of us each day. But, you move forward, you fight the good fight, and you ask for help getting through the rough times, whether help means a shoulder to cry on, or even medical assistance. Whatever helps you get up in the morning.

You, it seems, face this struggle every day, and you are an inspiration to all of us here. You do get up each day, and you have the courage to admit when you need help, to share the rough times with us - you honesty is so touching.

I am deeply sorry for your loss, and for the three folks who were recently diagnosed with advanced cancer. My thoughts are with all of you today.

To John Thorup -

If you see this - I have been going to the University of Colorado for a year now - they have been absolutely wonderful. If you are interested in hearing what I have to say, I would love to hear your story. My thoughts are with you as well.

Sent by Marcia | 9:52 AM ET | 01-03-2008

I don't know "why" any of us have/had cancer. You know, as I do, that once we step into CancerLand, we can never fully leave. There are always tests, feelings, rememerances, and inevitable connection with others who will "do better" than you do and who "will not make it." (I hate cliches.)

Buddhism can make reference to getting rid of karma from past lifetimes. Well, if so, many of us have expagated (spelling?) major karma.

Like you, I am a magnet for hearing about people with cancer. People tell me on the bus, students come to me after class and relate cancer stories; at times, absolute strangers on line tell me their stories.

If we are energy beings, then perhaps we carry that energy with us. (R. Gerber, Vibrational Medicine in the 21st Century). People often say to me, "You have such energy; I hope it stays with you." The cancer experience has heightened appreciation of each life moment; I hope that is the energy they feel.

Sent by Deborah | 9:59 AM ET | 01-03-2008

Wow. Never one for a loss of something to say.......let me start by saying, I think you said it all.
I teach CCD to first graders and inevitably the Bible turns to stories of suffering and death. Hands shoot up around the classroom to tell who died, of what and when. The comfort for them (and me) is that these stories of dead people usually concern grandparents who were "really old". These little ones are still unaffected by disease and suffering of others and certainly of themselves.
Sooner or later, one of them will be concerned by the story of Jesus who knew that he would die and they ask why he would go thru with it? I try to explain it this way- take your average squirrel sitting by the roadside. He knows that there are nuts on the other side of the road and if he is going to get some he has to brave the fast cars and make a run for it. So he does. Sometimes he is lucky and sometimes he is not. But one thing is sure- he never thinks for a second that he could be road pizza. He is not burdened with the knowledge of his own mortality and lives life, however long, cute and fuzzy. We on the other hand, know that fast cars could cause us harm so we cross them carefully. It may sound harsh, but it seems to resonate with them. I had one child who said that maybe heaven is a field of acorns. How wonderful is that?

P.S. Thanks to those who wrote in supportive words during my latest scan a-go-go. It turns out there is something on my sternum, we don't think it's anything but the doctor recommended a PET scan. Being a week before Christmas and needing to be 100% for my teenage daughter who is going thru a very emotionally trying time, I declined. So we wait until March for the scan and reassess then. I needed to exert myself, I have been so compliant this last year and altho I still live in fear of the cancer coming back, I need to take back some semblence of control. All those kind words and thoughts helped me do just that. Thank you.

Sent by Jessie | 10:11 AM ET | 01-03-2008

There is undeniably a lot of suffering in this world and for the most part, we humans are to blame. Look at wars and famine. It has been said by the "experts" that starvation and malnutrition of this world can be eliminated if all the developed nations act together and resources are channelled properly. The human race has not learned anything since the beginning of time. Although we are technologically better, we are poorer in mind, body and spirit. Where does God fit into all of this? How can we with limited rational minds attempt to understand the mystery of life and death. I believe that God is there to provide strength and comfort and guidance in living a life for the betterment of others. In my cancer journey, it is my walk with God that makes it tolerable, while not understandable. Call it a coping mechanism if you will but I can assure you it beats walking alone.

Sent by christine | 10:21 AM ET | 01-03-2008

After losing 2 family members this year to cancer, I no longer feel invincible. And I no longer think of it as being "deserved" in any way. My brother in law was a wonderful doctor that helped many people but couldn't save himself. There was a day when I would have been devastated to find out I had cancer. But if it happened today, I'd simply say "ok, now what." But after watching my brother in law, I don't know if I'd go thru all those treatments. God Bless all the Leroys of the world. And there are too many.

Sent by DiAnn | 10:30 AM ET | 01-03-2008

I once heard something to this effect: we don't ask "why" when things are going well or when we have good health and all of our limbs; so we really should not ask "why" when things don't continue to go our way. But if we really need an answer, I think it has to do with our relationship (or lack thereof) with the heavenly Father. Our trials are a tap on the shoulder -- He wants our attention.

Sent by Linda | 10:41 AM ET | 01-03-2008

The blog and comments today are so real and moving. We are each so alive and vital that even though intellectually we know we will ultimately die, it is so hard to come to grips with the probable nearness of it.

One day I get it and am at peace. The next day I'm fighting for life tenaciously. The next day I'm scared and confused. And on and on. Yet every day, no matter how else I feel, I always feel grateful that I get to be alive that day.

To Nancy Ostrander: Are you the Nancy that worked for PNB in 1970 in Seattle? If so, I worked with you and am a close friend of Cathy (Luke).

Sent by Laurel M. Jones | 10:47 AM ET | 01-03-2008

Hi Leroy and all - As Jen wrote -why not me - and why not us? Life, after all ineveitably includes mortality of one kind or another. for those who have had less of it, their caregivers and those close tothem, it can be especially cruel to have cancer or some other dread disease. It may, as we have observed, be even cruel to die early or be debilitated by some humanly caused disater like the wars in Iran and Afhanistan or the current issues in Kenya. It truly sucks.

And why do some of us, me included get remissions and suffer far less pain (so far) than others.For many of us with cancer, certainly me, it's a crapshoot.

Meanwhile, the bestwe can do is to do the best we can with the time have for others and ourselves in company with God as s/he appears to us. Currently I'm trying to see what I can do to bring assistance to doctors in Cuba who are working with good skills bu few resources for children with cancer. I'm also trying to see what can be done for HIV/AIDS rphans and their care givers during and after the current crisi in Kenya. Maybe not much - but prayer helps as does creative thinking and support for those directly affected

Vaya con Dios

John Shippee
Atlanta, Ga

Sent by John Shippee | 10:49 AM ET | 01-03-2008

We want to believe in cause and effect, to believe that we are in control. But so often control is an illusion when it comes to the big questions. We want to believe that good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. When bad things happen to good people, we have a problem. Maybe we're expecting some kind of reciprocity from the universe in much the same way we expect it from others, reasoning that since I've been good, I deserve good back. When the universe doesn't cooperate, the same evolved emotional responses come into play. Somewhere in the bible it says that the rain falls on the just and the unjust alike, difficult as that is to accept.

Sent by Alan | 11:22 AM ET | 01-03-2008

You have become an obsession. I do not have Cancer or any other life threatening disease and yet I read your blog as soon as I arrive at work. Words cannot say how sorry I am that you are going through this. I can say your blog is strangly inspiring, keep writing.

Sent by Barb | 11:26 AM ET | 01-03-2008

I think it's like when you have a baby and suddenly, everyone everywhere has a stroller full of baby. It's an awareness you never had until you were in the thick of it.

Sent by Celeste | 11:30 AM ET | 01-03-2008

My husband and I have been noting just how many pop culture musicians of our era (we're in mid-50's) seem struck down by cancer, and comparatively young, of late. Warren Zevon, Frank Zappa, Dan Fogelberg etc. etc. Certainly a lot of cancer deaths.

That said, we're well-past looking for reasons. Husband's cancer is genetic, as it happens, but we've seen children, teenagers, young, middle aged all kinds. "Good" people, green people, holistic people, smokers, paint workers.

Sent by Teri | 12:15 PM ET | 01-03-2008

Every day I am grateful I was not born into a life of poverty and violence. I hate my cancer and the pain it causes me, but it has made me aware of how much better off I am than most people, even with cancer. I do not believe in a god, but do not feel the need of one to guide or comfort me. I was pretty much an agnostic before diagnosis. If anything, my illness and awareness of other's pain and suffering has made me question even more the existence of a "kind and loving" god. If god's there, it's a hands-off god. But I am comfortable with my disbelief and the possibility of an early death. For me, the lack of a god makes all the chaos and death more rational. Bad things happen to good people because there is no god and it is a random universe. To me, that makes more sense and is more comforting than the idea that there is a god watching all of this suffering. It's a beautiful wonderful universe without god and who knows what follows? Just because god isn't there doesn't mean there isn't an afterlife or another plane of existence. I read a Dean Koontz book where one of the characters proposes that this life is a type of training ground for the next level of life (kind of like a video game.)
Personally, I like the Twilight Zone but lately am sticking to lighter fare in movies and TV. Do you remember the Twilight Zone episode with the attacking tumbleweed? That one creeped me out the most.

Sent by Marcia Greer | 12:17 PM ET | 01-03-2008

Your writing was very poignant today. Why me is really why not me? TOday I don't feel welll so it's harder to accept the why not me. I have no doubts that God knows what he's doing (whatever it is) and that is what keeps me going and comforts me. Tomorrow I am talking to my docs about a procedure that will help control my coughing and I'm scared. How many more things do I have to do to reach a comfort level at least? TOday your words washed over me like a balm and seem to say you have found a place of comfort. I hope that is so. Please continue writing because it means so very much.

Sent by Vicki (FL) | 12:19 PM ET | 01-03-2008

WOW... what a post today! I sold my home and I moved to MS in Aug to be with my fiance. Stage 4 lung cancer took his life on Dec 1st... I dont ask "why me", I am just greatful I was able to be there for him and to have that precious time together.
I knew I could not be home alone during the holidays so I flew to CA to be with my family. I dont know what I will do now, but I have two beautiful little boys (dogs) waiting for me to get back home to them. On Monday I start a new life, I wont ask why me? I am going to ask "what next" and hopefully go from there! It wont be easy, but with my friends, family, my faith and Neils promise that everything will be okay, I will be okay.....Laurie

Sent by Laurie Hirth | 12:22 PM ET | 01-03-2008

Dear Leroy,

As she has watched our family go through the trials of cancer twice now, and counting (once before she was born) my beloved six-year-old daughter has said it more than once: "This dying with cancer has got to stop!". Bless her naive little soul - if only we could make it so. I have thought, this holiday season, very much about Dan Fogelberg, who passed away with prostate cancer recently, and his songs "Same Auld Lang Syne" and "Part of the Plan", if I have the titles close to correct. I makes me very, very sad that he will never sing those songs again live. I wonder if "someday, we'll all understand"? I must take it on faith that we will, or I would surely lose all hope and my compass for survival.

Prayers for everyone, for healing, comfort, and strength, always, even if we don't know "Why?". And Thank God for this day, this moment, that we have to enjoy the beauty of this world, and the people we love, and who love us, and the opportunity to do something for those less fortunate than we are. To make a difference somehow. That is my daily goal, and sometimes struggle.

Sent by Connie | 12:29 PM ET | 01-03-2008

I do understand the rationale for the obvious questions posed in many of today's blogs. As a logical, rational (some may argue this)being, I also think about these questions. While the questions may foster a vigorous debate, there are no conclusive answers. Hence I rely upon my faith in God. I trust that He will provide (in our eyes it may be deemed to be "good" or "bad")but in His provisioning, it is a part of His plan for me. I accept this. I have never questioned why I have cancer (two types as a matter of fact - melanoma and renal cell carcinoma) and I say this humbly. In spite of the cancer or perhaps because of it, I believe that I am a better person for being on this journey. My faith relies upon prayer. I know the power of prayer for I have been the recipient of it and try to use it to help others.

I would submit that the most logical, rational, critical thinking person could survey our world and conclude that this is a result of a series of colossal coincidences.

Obviously, faith is a personal choice. I choose to believe in God the Father Almighty. With that in place, I can continue to try to be worthy in His eyes as my journey continues.

Blessings and prayers for us all.

Sent by ato | 12:36 PM ET | 01-03-2008

Today's comments are the most inspiring, constructive and comforting I have ever read on this website. So many of you understand that cancer is only one of many illnesses humans face, that people in other countries with few health resources suffer more horribly and in far greater numbers than we do in the US, and that there is no one reason why some people fall ill and others do not. Leonard from Alabama really hit the nail on the head - go back and read his post again, especially his last sentence. My diagnosis caused me to reevaluate my life, truly be thankful for every day, and try much harder to do good things for others. It was in some ways a blessing. Bless you all in 2008.

Sent by Wendy | 12:44 PM ET | 01-03-2008

In answer to your question, "How could this be happening to so many of us?" I completely agree with Carol Irvin that we of this generation have it far better than our ancestors. My grandmothers both died in their early thirties, one in the influenza epidemic of 1918 and the other of a disease caused by a vitamin deficiency. Both of their mothers died young, too -- in childbirth. I think your question is really about the meaning of life. Even though we all knew intellectually that all humans die, no one really takes in the enormity of that fact until it is their own face that "glows" -- or the face of someone they love. Why? Why do we all have to die? What's the point??And why do so many families have to endure other heartbreak and suffering such as mental illness and Alzheimer's Disease? I wonder all the time, but I don't expect to find an answer in this lifetime. What I refuse to believe is that this cancer (or other suffering) is just a little "tap on the shoulder" from God, trying to get our attention! How could a loving god be that cruel? Anyway, I think we just have to accept that some things are unknowable. But we can choose to focus on the beauty and goodness around us, and we can try to contribute to it in some way.In that way, our lives will have meaning.

Sent by Doris | 12:53 PM ET | 01-03-2008

Throughout 'the fight' I used to be strong. Now, as I regress and digress I am going back to that hole of wasting energy and asking "why me"? Call me selfish, but I am pretty far from being selfish.
I realize people especially children are dying everyday and it makes no sense. My heart aches for other people who are suffering.
Today, my heart aches...it aches for all of you..and it aches for me for no longer being positive and strong.

Sent by lisa | 12:54 PM ET | 01-03-2008

The impulse to ask why a life is cut short is predicated on the irrational assumption that we all get to live long and perfectly healthy lives... looking at every species and even at stars and galaxies themselves, we always see change afoot. The explosion of a star can give way to newly created things, and the deaths of organic life forms feeds other organic life forms and it all goes on and on. We hope for long and healthy lives and at the same time remember we have this breath, and if we are lucky, the next breath. And with each gift breath, the chance for another full life moment. And maybe another. If you look at it all as a surprise gift instead of as an entitlement, it looks different. And if, as most members of the community on the blog know too well, reality turns on a dime, and there are some depths of medical hell you never imagined... that hard wisdom is another reminder that each breath and feeling good moment is a true treasure not to be taken too much for granted. Shakespeare nailed it in his sonnet: "To love that well which thou must lose 'ere long..." And yes, after a year of wrenching sudden losses and more funerals than we could bear, followed by the news of the church burnings in Kenya. I do understand your feelings and sentiments. I just have to find another way to look at my own life with wonder, rather than fear of it ending. I have to love each moment I can love, to make the most of how ever much is left. But I'm not being pollyanna about loss, grief, the cutting short of bright and glorious lives we hoped would last and last....

Sent by Sarah | 1:19 PM ET | 01-03-2008

I'm a secular Humanist, too, so I don't much ask the why me question. I enjoyed the Twilight Zone, and got completely creeped out by some episodes.
Where do you watch it now? A show that I liked a lot on Showtime, and which is now in reruns on the Sci-Fi channel is
Dead Like Me. The "reapers" help people who are about to die, and reap their souls so they can pass on to the other side.

There's a good description here:

http://www.deadlikeme.tv/theshow.php

What if death is not the end? What if it is not even an escape from the issues that plagued us? What if it is not a way to avoid accountability, but an opportunity to accept responsibility? What if it is a wake-up call?

And even better stuff here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dead_Like_Me

I also viewed my cancer as a wake up call. I've found the man I thought I could ride the river with is afraid of water.

Sent by Dianne (DC) | 1:19 PM ET | 01-03-2008

Makes you wonder doesn't it? I have walked in the Relay for Life for 5 years now and since the loss of our son last year I don't know if I can do it anymore. Yes, I believe they do good things, but really, it's not enough is it? It seems more and more folks we come in contact with have, know or have heard of someone with cancer. So the ACS gets mega bucks. And for what I ask? I think cancer is at epidemic proportions. Yes there have been great strides in controlling certain types of cancer, but there still is no CURE. I have learned that yes certain treatments may extend your life, but what type of life is it?

Sorry Leroy, I am still in shock our 26 year son has passed within 8 months of diagnosis. Please forgive my negative attitude but I must say HURRAY to you for bringing this subject to light. As you said, how can this be happening to so many people??????????

God bless you Leroy.

Judy

Sent by Judy Voller | 1:26 PM ET | 01-03-2008

When Adam and Eve were in the Garden, God told them it was "hell" outside and not to go there. Since they did "go there", either in actuality or as a symbol of mankind in general, we are all suffering the loss of that connection to God.

For me, the answer to Why US? has always been, "it's our turn." For years my family was blessed with little illness, few deaths and pretty much a "normal" life while other friends and neighbors took their losses. It was only a matter of time that my family would have their hits.

I started sorting the files my husband, Burge's, office New Year Day for tax papers. When I came to all of the cancer information, I decided to throw it away unless it was needed for the IRS. I'm usually the one who keeps everything, but throwing it out this time helped more than I could hope and I wish there were some way each of you could do the same...along with the disease itself.

The day will come when I myself will be back in your position with either Cancer or some other life-threatening disease and I will accumulate more knowledge than I want. But for that one New Year's day, I actually was free and I wish you all the same in 2008.

To Marcia who goes to the University of Colorado. If it's Anshutz, please say Hi to Teri from Nikki in Kansas. They are all so great there.

Nikki

Sent by Nikki | 2:00 PM ET | 01-03-2008

Below Leroy, is the opening paragraph of an interview with a man who has come up with what's being called a " revolutionary cancer drug." There's a program being aired tonight on Channel 13 at 9:00. I've included a link for the program, " Curious" in this email.
Information is always good...
Thinking of you. always sending you wishes for hope and healing.

Susan
-----------------------------------
The program...
When Mark Davis, a chemical engineer, found out that his wife, Mary, had cancer, helping her survive devastating chemotherapy treatments became his mission. Her treatments became so unbearable that she pleaded with her husband to find a better way. ???You can fix this,??? she challenged him, and so began a scientific odyssey that led Davis to create IT-101, a revolutionary cancer drug.

Being aired tonight. Chan. 13 @ 9:00

http://www.thirteen.org/curious/episodes/qa-mark-davis/

Sent by susan | 2:11 PM ET | 01-03-2008

Leroy what a powerful post today. I was obssessed with the Twilight Zone as a kid and I remember that episode. In a very real sense, from the moment we are born, we are marching to our ultimate outcome ... death. Now, the difference for cancer versus non cancer people is that they do know what will eventually kill them. The rest of us have to look at each occurance in life as potentially life threatening and hope the odds will be in our favor. Or, just be in the moment. It is all in the perspective. Like the glowing look in the Twilight Zone episode, I am not sure I would want to know because how could I avoid the inevitable. All that anyone can do is be in the moment because it is all we have.

Sent by Pat Z | 3:01 PM ET | 01-03-2008

In focusing on the question "why so many now?" (rather than "why (not) me"), I think you really have to look at this world that we've brought into being. Cancer incidence really has risen over the years - it's not just that people are not dying of TB or childbirth and living long enough to develop cancer. We as a society have spewed so many chemicals and toxins into our food, air and water it is impossible to escape them. Cancer is often the result of many many small changes and injuries to our cells, and I think it is finally catching up to us.

I go in tomorrow to see if the lump in my armpit is recurrent/metastatic breast cancer.

Sent by Laura | 4:02 PM ET | 01-03-2008

Leroy,

Being a realist, I know we are all going to die from something sometime. I feel like asking why is okay, but there aren't really answers beyond the vagaries of our bodies and the cancer process. Or the heart disease process, or whatever it might be. For me, it is a physiological thing rather than a philosophical thing. For me, thinking that way is easier.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 4:03 PM ET | 01-03-2008

What Celeste said really rings true for me. I don't feel a part of a small, cursed minority, but rather a large community of which I wasn't fully aware until I joined it. Once I was diagnosed, four different co-workers let me know about their own (or their spouses') experiences with cancer. I only knew about one of them before that fateful day. I am now amazed whenever I meet someone who has no experience with cancer or another serious health challenge. That really doesn't register any more.

As for the "why me" moments, I still have them, but they're few and far between.

Peace
jj

Sent by Joan Jones | 4:07 PM ET | 01-03-2008

I visited my dear baby sister's home and family this holiday and was awakened every morning to her hacking smoker's cough. She then continued to sniffle and hack most of the day as she held up in a cold garage where she 'allows' herself to smoke, giving deference to her young children's lungs, the good mother she is. I began to imagine as I lie there in my niece's bed, that this could be the last time I see my sister well or even perhaps she had already contracted a deadly case of lung cancer.

At first I wanted to blame her and feel sorry for me, but then I began think about how she fills every day of her life with fun, love and life. She's full of energy and never sits still. I'm sure she's gotten at least 80+years of life out of her 40+years of time.

I just want to spend out time living, loving and sharing life. I want to talk about cool stuff and try recipes with her. I want to play games with her, her family and mine. I want to put all the life we can into each moment we have and be grateful for it. BECAUSE it is so uncertain how long we have.

That's the one thing that is sure in life-death. This awesome gift of a life on this physical plane is so very precious because of this quality, a tenuous nature, which we can deny (sometimes more easily than others) or embrace. Everyday is perhaps most relished when we know it is NOT a sure thing.

I think you know this Leroy. :) I'm sure you do.

Peace,
Donna

Sent by Donna Lynne Strong Brott | 4:24 PM ET | 01-03-2008

Such a wonderful blog today!! There are so many things in life that we do not know the seasons for. Cancer is just one of them.

Peace and healing to all is my wish for 2008. By the way, has anyone heard an update on Stephanie D? I know she is nearing the end of her life on this earth and she and her family are in the thoughts and prayers of many.

Sent by Denise | 5:14 PM ET | 01-03-2008

I, like so many others, feel as if Stephanie Dornbrook was a friend, though we never met, other than on this site. To all who would like an update on her journey, two of her children have blogs that are up to date through January 2. The addresses are:
http://dornbrook.com/Blogs/Nathan/
http://www.dornbrook.com/Blogs/Mara/.
In reading their recent entries, my admiration for her was reinforced. Such dignity and retention of control! Such a mentor! May peace continue to surround her and her loved ones.

Sent by Harriet | 6:19 PM ET | 01-03-2008

To Lisa, and Laurie H, and Nikki and Sasha and all the rest of you: Feel that? That's the arms of a thousand others around you in your time of darkness. I've felt it myself. It's an amazing thing.

I used to ask myself the why us, why now question. The only answer possible is that it doesn't make sense. I believe in a Universal Intelligence, be it god or whatever you might call it, and I believe there's a reason for everything that happens to us.

I still haven't found a reason for Terry's death nearly a year ago, but I'm still looking. My mother, a wise woman, tells me that when a door closes, without fail a window opens. She's been right in the past. I hope she is again.

I look at where I am now, and I realize and understand that every single thing in my past got me here and made me who I am, and I pretty much like that person. I do wonder sometimes what might have been had I chosen another path, but even with losing Terry I think I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

Sent by Bruce | 6:32 PM ET | 01-03-2008

I admit when first hearing my leukemia diaognosis I did ask "why me." But getting on with the chemo and hospitalizations I learned quickly how pervasive this disease is. Everyone I seemed to talk to has had their lives directly or indirectly affected by cancer. My brother's wife passed away last March with pancreatic cancer. He got the double whammy with my diagnosis just a few months before his wife's diagnosis. Looking back, I quickly ceased asking "why me." We just have to face the damn music. Leroy, keep chugging -- we are chugging too.

Sent by Dorothy, Los Angeles | 6:56 PM ET | 01-03-2008

Maybe something better is beyond this life. I believe that myself! Maybe you won't pass now, but your own case will be pivotal in the science of a cure for cancer! Maybe the Dotors are wrong and merely reading yesterday's pejorative statistics and have missed the point altogether and are misinformed doomsayers. How do they even know from mere statistics, that what they say they are are sure of, regarding a so called terminal illness, is absolutely the Truth and a fact in itself. Maybe they are not really practicing good science. A scientist never should presume anything, right? Maybe they should project something more hopeful than a message that is altogether presumptive. Maybe God works in mysterious ways and wants someone to read between the lines? "As a Man thinketh so shall he become....! Live and Prosper!

Sent by Charlie Schlager, Jr. | 7:04 PM ET | 01-03-2008

Think you are taking the wrong fork in the path, Leroy. You are allowing depression to take over your brilliant mind. The questions you ask are the ones we all ask and never get any answers.
Just like when I ask you about some of the other things you have mentioned. That is all. You mention them once and then move on to another thought. You know that we can die of Strokes, embulisms, etc, don't you? It just happens that most of us who respond to you are Cancer sufferers also. What are your doctors telling you? THAT would be interesting.

Sent by J C R | 7:46 PM ET | 01-03-2008

Dear Leroy...All I know is that all I have is questions...no answers...I get up every day and attempt to deal with whatever my day brings...I always tell my son that we will try and figure "it" out...whatever "it" is at any given moment in time...cancer has been a part of my life for almost as long as I can remember...my mother died at home of breast cancer almost 42 years ago and in so many ways it feels like yesterday...so many members of my family that I love so dearly have died of this disease...I am a breast cancer survivor...and 2007 saw my youngest brother, Patrick, treated with a Stage IV Thymoma...the surgeon was literally peeling layers of cancer cells off his aorta...a brutal treatment...but at this moment in time "has no obvious evidence of disease"...a gift...until February with his next check-up...the last two months of 2007 has my 40 year old niece diagnosed with a HER 2 positive breast cancer and my husband diagnosed with a Stage IV prostate cancer with metastasis to the bone and lymph node involvement...he also has multiple sclerosis and can barely get from Point A to Point B...but life continues...also received the news that my nephew and his wife are expecting their first child in July...as a song says "who can explain it...who can tell you why"...I think the rest of it goes something like "fools give you reasons... wise men never try"...my thoughts and prayers are with you and Laurie...it has been a numbing day...Fondly...Ann Pat...

Sent by Ann Patrice Sclafani-Forde | 7:51 PM ET | 01-03-2008

Wow! What fantastic comments today. You all are quite a philosophical lot - although I suppose cancer has a way of doing that to a person.

The question of "why" as applied to suffering - what we theologians call "theodicy" - is among the oldest and most intractable that people of faith have to grapple with. There's no absolutely satisfying answer - although I have to admit that, speaking personally, the argument that a certain amount of random suffering is an inevitable outgrowth of the divine gift of human free will has the most appeal to me.

There are some who think this "why" question derails religious faith, but in fact it only derails a naive faith, the sort of faith in which people look at God as a sort of Santa Claus figure (which is completely unbiblical, despite what the "gospel of prosperity" preachers will tell you on TV). There are many places in the Bible where various thinkers grapple with the undeniable reality of the unfairness of the world. Anyone with eyes to see has to admit that, yes, there are "a lot of us" out there who are suffering (as you point out, Leroy).

There's a place in the letter to the Romans when Paul recalls a line a poet has written: "For your sake we are being killed all day long; we are accounted as sheep to be slaughtered." He's taken a look around, in other words, and seen a lot of glowing faces (as in the Twilight Zone episode).

But no, he says. No! We are more than conquerors. Because nothing can separate us from God's love. Nothing. Not even cancer.

It's Romans 8:31-39, in case anyone's interested. It's one of those texts that keeps me going, despite it all.

Peace.

Carl
"A Pastor's Cancer Diary"
http://www.cewilton.blogspot.com

Sent by Carl Wilton | 9:56 PM ET | 01-03-2008

To Niki - It is Anshutz - I will definitely try to pass the message along to Teri - is she at the Melanoma Clinic, or in another area?

To Laura - my thoughts and prayers are with you - I recently went in for a lump behind my ear and was relieved to find out it was only a reactive lymph node. Here's wishing yours is the same. Good luck tomorrow!

Sent by Marcia | 12:23 AM ET | 01-04-2008

Nikki

Throw the papers away in a box and after a year or so get rid of them completely. It is easier to recover something from the box than the source.

Sent by Irene | 3:22 AM ET | 01-04-2008

so true, LeRoy, so true

Sent by Lori Monroe | 9:19 AM ET | 01-04-2008

Dear Leroy,
I've been thinking about what you said about God's plans being beyond our understanding.

I was diagnosed with rectal cancer just one month before my graduation from an Episcopal seminary. I was finishing my studies to become a priest. I had been interviewing for a first position as an assistant priest. When I got my diagnosis, all my future plans were put on hold. I went through the graduation ceremony and had a lower anterior resection to remove the tumor one week later.

I don't believe that God planned for me to get cancer at this time in my life. I don't beleive that God planned for my cancer to progress to Stage IV, at the age of 40.

I think that "stuff" happens that is not God's will for us. For me, faith is the belief that, through the hard parts of life, God is with us. When exhaustion sets in, I pray, "God, I don't think I can do this anymore. I need your help." And somehow, I get through the day. I experience God's support in the kindnesses of family, friends, doctors, nurses, and -- sometimes -- strangers.

My ordinations as a deacon and a priest were delayed by the cancer, but they happened. I serve a congregation here in New York. I have experienced, over and over again, God redeeming the scars, pain, and losses caused by this disease, using them to allow me to be a "pass-through window" of God's grace to others. God's plans are indeed beyond our understanding.

I wish that there weren't so many cancer patients, too. I long for cures to all the myriad forms of this stinking disease. As some of the other comments today have said, all any of us have for certain is today. Peace be with you all.

Sent by Elsa Cumming | 9:49 AM ET | 01-04-2008