Dear friend:
I am not one to pray, but, for you, I will pray there are still more options to keep the cancer under control.

Sent by Harriet | 7:59 AM ET | 01-22-2008

NOW youre talking Leroy! This is the kind of Battle talk I want to hear. You have been more than patient, listened, waited, and submitted your poor body to horrible experimentation. NOW, it ia about time that the Medical profesion to came up with something new. Why, oh why can't they work harder on cures and causes?

Sent by J C R | 8:04 AM ET | 01-22-2008

Dear friend:
One more thing: the lyrics to a Broadway song that mean so much to me because of you:
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
Because I knew you
I have been changed for good

Sent by Harriet | 8:04 AM ET | 01-22-2008

Hi Leroy,

I have not answers or suggestion, only prayers. Your doctors may find a new "miracle" or have a new trick up their sleeves. Please remain optimistic as you can.

Sent by Sue Chap | 8:12 AM ET | 01-22-2008

Funny, before I checked your column this morning, I wondered what you were going to do next, Leroy. You mentioned that the cancer was progressing the other day. Unopposed, it will keep progressing.

Have you ruled out all chemo for good? What about the targeted therapies like the EGFR or angiogenesis inhibitors (RIP Judah Folkman!)?

I'm glad you're wondering about a counterattack. That's a good sign. Maybe, it will inspire your doctors to take another look.

Sent by Marilyn | 8:13 AM ET | 01-22-2008

I would agree that perhaps you should seek opinions from other major cancer institutions; MD Anderson, Duke, Sloan, etc. While we don't want to think that our doctors aren't looking for something else on our behalf, often they are so absorbed in their own protocols that they don't look outside of their "boxes" for other possible therapies. It would be most helpful if they would aid you in the search but you can also do this yourself. Many patients do the searching themselves and find that other doctors and institutions are most willing to help and to provide the help quickly. The "help" I'm initially referring to is information for you to absorb; i.e., contacts, trials that are currently available, names of doctors and PAs, etc.

After several recurrences and when chemo and radiation had failed, I found via a melanoma support group some information about a melanoma vaccine being used at Duke. The doctor had had some good results. I got his name and the name of his nurse, called the nurse, discussed my situation and his vaccine, sent my records to her and got an appointment immediately. All of this occurred within 2 weeks. I drove from Atlanta to Duke, received the vaccine and continued to do this monthly for 4 months until the vaccine failed for me. My point is, there are people who will help you if you get aggressive in seeking other opinions for treatment.

Each new drug or treatment brings the Hope that it will slow or stop the progression. The key is to find one that works for you.

My prayers will continue while you seek other options and choices.

Sent by Al Cato | 8:18 AM ET | 01-22-2008

Maybe it's time to get some other doctors in the conversation? Yours have been incredible so far, it seems to me. But if they are feeling you have no further options , but you want to fight on....even knowing so well from past experience how bad the treatments can make you feel...find yourself a wild and wooley doc who wants to try something crazy! After all, the very first person who tried those other inventive treatments was probably discouraged from trying something so weird. Go for it, Leroy. The time to stop is when YOU decide that you are ready. And maybe that day will never come.

Sent by Doris | 8:27 AM ET | 01-22-2008

I've noticed a lot of people are going to Germany or other countries for treatment. Have you looked into that? I've heard of lots of alternative treatments that the USA won't even consider due to the amount of money doctors make with the current treatments offered here. Just a thought.....
Peace
Jenn

Sent by Jenn | 8:30 AM ET | 01-22-2008

There is a miracle, Leroy---it is you.

Sent by Linda | 9:21 AM ET | 01-22-2008

I am facing a very similar situation to yours right now. I want to stay positive, and I want to know that there is still hope. How else can we get out of bed each day? I think of you daily. You put my thoughts into words so very well, and I am so grateful to you for that. I am wishing you a treatment that stems the tide. Still, so much to do. Wish also I had the words to make it easier. Karen

Sent by karen | 9:21 AM ET | 01-22-2008

Good Morning Leroy,

Today is chemo day for my husband. We will be off to the chemo center in about an hour. Everything from there is on automatic pilot..........pick up the dough nuts for the chemo nurses.........drive to the hospital........circle around for half an hour to find a parking space.......then sit for five hours as the bags of chemicals empty out. Those "Guys in the basement" that you spoke about better hurry up!

Prayers to all.

Sent by Sasha | 9:24 AM ET | 01-22-2008

Leroy - I think we all feel like we're running out - you wonder if you're running out of miracles. We're wondering if there's anything more we can say or do-ANYTHING NEW we can give you to fuel your fight and warm your heart. We won't give up, no matter where this journey takes you. We are all with you, at your side, each moment - maybe the best thing we all can do is keep on keepin' on. With great love and respect, CHD

Sent by Carole D. | 9:25 AM ET | 01-22-2008

Dear Leroy,
We still have today. And as long as we look at it that way, hope is alive.
I will not dice words. We know what is going to get us and bring us across the other side. Some of us before others, as solutions run out, and cancer out runs us.....but your resolve to keep looking for solutions is the only way to live. We cannot be the living, dead. We have life........for today.
Many Blessings.
Wanda Amorose.

Sent by Wanda Amorose | 9:25 AM ET | 01-22-2008

Hugs Leroy...big hugs.

Sent by Lori | 9:28 AM ET | 01-22-2008

Dear Leroy,
It's good to know you are still fighting and looking for the next counterattack. Thank you for continuing to share your experiences - you may not mean to inspire, but you do. Your openness and sincerity in your writing has often expressed what I could not when my mother was fighting colon cancer.
I hold on to hope for more miracles just for you!

Sent by Kellie | 9:40 AM ET | 01-22-2008

Leroy,
When I read your columns, I can't help but think, why hasn't he tried any alternative therapies. They do work. There are many of us survivors who can attest to it. Using them doesn't negate using traditional protocols in concert. Please consider giving them a try.

Sent by Carol | 9:41 AM ET | 01-22-2008

Leroy,

You are the bravest person I know about. Every day, you suit up and stay in the game and even let the rest of us in on your thoughts, feelings, joys and fears. I bow to you. Thank you for a great model of persistence and grace.

Sent by Sandi Howlett | 9:46 AM ET | 01-22-2008

Leroy,
Remember to pray for the wisdom to accept the things we can not change, change the things we can and know the difference between the two. I am not being fatalistic, just pragmatic. I am not advocating for you to give up the fight, but I sense you are beating yourself up with these ponderings. Are you able to get outside for a nice walk? It might help you break out of this cycle of frustration. I hope your day has at least one bright spot. Look for it, and it will be there waiting for you.

Sent by Leah | 9:51 AM ET | 01-22-2008

LeRoy, You don't sound as if you know whether there is/are more tumor(s) or not and where they might be if you do have one or more. That is the first question I would want answered if I were in your place. The second question I'd want answered is what my blood reports are showing. It seems to me that every time I was in trouble with cancer, the blood work pretty much showed it. If your blood work IS off, can they do anything to fix those numbers? Thirdly, why do they think you are losing the weight? Precisely, what about cancer is probably causing this weight loss, and why is that viewed with such alarm? Get these three questions answered and you might have a better idea of your overall prognosis. Carol

Sent by carol irvin | 9:54 AM ET | 01-22-2008

Leroy~ I agree, it seems research just doesn't move fast enough. Why aren't there more tricks in their bag? But for now, I have a great book to suggest you read. "Strong at the Broken Places" by Richard Cohen. Its about people with chronic diseases or conditions and how they are dealing with life. Its a new book that just came out. Give it a try.

Sent by DiAnn | 10:04 AM ET | 01-22-2008

I think you are a different and beautiful breed. For some people, the treatments become just as bad or worse than the disease itself, and they just decide they've had enough of them. If that's not likely to ever be you, remind your doctors who you are and let them know if you are open to considering unproven or even risky options. Because of your stroke and infection etc., they might be limited by a real concern that any option left could make things worse for you. I hope you can have this kind of conversation with them and at the end of it, feel like whatever steps are taken or not taken, that you understand the reasons why and the decisions.

My sister in law is still tormented by whether she and my brother in law fought hard and long enough...whether she did everything she could do to help him live longer. Maybe you'll convince your doctors to try something that they wouldn't think of risking on another patient...and maybe they'll convince you it's not worth it, but either way, you and Laurie will have prevented those doubts from affecting either of you if you have the conversation.

I wish you peace and miraculous health. I do believe that anything is possible, and I hope you do too.

Sent by Nichole in FL | 10:09 AM ET | 01-22-2008

Knowing that you are in the care of the best medical folks in the Washington metro area, I hope you will push them for contacts at NIH and any trials for which you may qualify.

It is time to fight even harder than you already have. We, here in the cyber world your blog has created, can't join the battle with you, but, we are with you in all but the physical fight. Stay strong and gain strength from us and the energy, love, and prayers sent to you.

Peggy

Sent by Peggy | 10:10 AM ET | 01-22-2008

Keep on thinking. Doctors continue to amaze me at the hosptial I work at with the kids.

Sent by Lisa | 10:26 AM ET | 01-22-2008

Keep looking for that miracle, Leroy. Maybe you could contact other cancer specialists in another hospitals or a different part of the country. Maybe there is something they may know that your doctors do not know. Whatever the case, don't give up the faith. God Bless.

Sent by Teresa in WV | 10:27 AM ET | 01-22-2008

Hey Leroy,

Remember a year ago in December when the doctors told you the cancer had broken through and that was pretty all they could do. Then January or February came and suddenly you discovered RFA? It can happen - in a day, in a month it can happen. We hold on to that thought every day because we've seen it happen-to you. Do something today to enjoy your day - enjoy that bottle of wine, see a movie, read a book. Make those things your daily goals and a lot time to research cancer stuff but then let it go. I know you know all this stuff because I've gotten the same message from you. It's just hard to remember when you are so engulfed in cancer world.

Hang tough buddy!

Sent by Sarah Senter | 10:27 AM ET | 01-22-2008

Not much of one to pray for anything, but I'm going to say a prayer. Your blog has become an inspiration to me--though I'm not even sick, to my knowledge. Everyone at some point will have to go through some process of confronting sickness and mortality. You've given many people so much courage, hope and grace, sick and well alike.

Oh, my prayer is that that more people will learn from you. Your example has already done much to heal the rest of us! And on a personal level, Godspeed and keep looking ahead.

Sent by Alan | 10:35 AM ET | 01-22-2008

Don't forget, Leroy: there are other doctors, too. Who doesn't know someone whose miracle came from an aggressive search for a fresh approach or a different point of view?

Sent by Marion | 10:57 AM ET | 01-22-2008

Leroy, you mentioned once no more chemo because the first didn't work and the next one would cause acne. What's a little acne among friends, my friend. Especially since doing nothing is going to cause something much worse.
Possibly there's some new chemo's out since you've investigated that option. We all have the right to do it our own way on this road. We support whatever choices you make.

Kate (dx'd ten years ago and have tried everything under the sun. Ain't fun, but ten years is ten years.)

Sent by Kate Fuehrer | 10:58 AM ET | 01-22-2008

Leroy,

It is a beautiful, clear crisp day here in the Pacific NW. Sometimes I forget that there is something important we are learning from all this. Sometimes the purpose seems so far away...the lesson seems so hard.

If only we could stop that clock for even a brief moment. If only that would help us all get better.

We need a miracle. We need a brilliant, hero of a doctor to come riding in bringing us all a cure. I hope that doctor makes it quick.

Sent by Laurel M. Jones | 11:01 AM ET | 01-22-2008

Leroy: Your courage and optimism are awe inspiring to me. Keep fighting and pressing the Docs for new ways to combat the cancer. I think of you each day and say a prayer that you, and all of us who have had to hear the word "cancer" and our names in the same sentence can keep up the fight. It's worth it!

Sent by Kate | 11:05 AM ET | 01-22-2008

Praying for a miracle, Leroy.

Sent by Marilyn Trujillo | 11:53 AM ET | 01-22-2008

Leroy, my friend in cancer.

I feel for you bud.
Please stay positive.
No matter what!

Sent by Robert | 11:55 AM ET | 01-22-2008

Dear Leroy, would now be a good time to think about some alternative treatments? I'm not speaking of traveling to Germany or Europe. There are alternative therapies provided by real doctors who will work in conjunction with your current docs and therapy. Please give this some thought. I believe the alternative treatments I receive have helped keep me going. I still receive chemo as palliative care. I have changed my diet to vegetarian and concentrate on getting enough dark green and bright orange fruits and veggies. With incurable cancer, I am told I look great and I feel strong (most of the time). Enough from me, except to say I hope you give this some thought! Peace and prayers to you all, Ellie Algatt

Sent by Ellie Algatt | 11:58 AM ET | 01-22-2008

Leroy, The advances in medicine are truly amazing, but even the mad scientists run out of solutions. Cancer pushes the envelope all the time, hard to stay up, let alone be ahead of it. Somewhere around Hopkins is a kid with another idea, another thing to try. You will find him. In the meantime, you stay in attack mode. What else can you do? I feel your frustration and concern. Hang in there.
Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 12:08 PM ET | 01-22-2008

Leroy--

Somewhere there is a solution. It's time to play the wild card. You have the books.

Sent by Ross Barker | 12:20 PM ET | 01-22-2008

I'm in your boat - no more treatments to fight cancer, just learn to live each day in a positive manner. My "job" right now is to write journal/sketch books for my kids, husband and best friend. For months, I've been lazy about this, but now I'm doing it in earnest.

My other job is to knit for a group called warm babies, warm hearts. My goal is to use up as much yarn as I can in the time I have left.

I am in Hospice - the nice nurse tweaks the meds to keep me comfortable. The great chaplain comes to talk about poetry and books. She will do the service following my death for my family.

Telling people I have hospice care scares them - they imagine I'm sleeping in a hospital bed in the living room. That is not the case. I do everything I want, just a bit more slowly, and hospice really keeps me going to the best of my ability. My hope is for the cancer to keep its slow development and for me to be comfortable. It is weird to see the boundaries of my life closing in on me.

Your blog has been a very important part of my day. I share your story with friends and family. Thank you so much for what you do for the large community of people who live with cancer.

Sent by paula kent | 12:37 PM ET | 01-22-2008

You are in my thoughts...
Sandra Yudilevich

Sent by Sandra Yudilevich | 12:50 PM ET | 01-22-2008

To Liz, from yesterday - when I got home from the hospital after my mastectomy, my teenaged kids (i.e. old enough to know better) proceeded to get in a stupid, mean fight with each other. Sort of the last thing I thought I needed - but then my wise sister-in-law pointed out, "Isn't it great that they were just acting normal in spite of everything?" Looking at their squabbling from that perspective made me grateful for it. Perhaps you can look at that last meal with your mom the same way - it was just normal mother/daughter stuff, worth more to her than your treating her with kid gloves. Please forgive yourself soon!

Sent by Gretchen Hoag | 12:58 PM ET | 01-22-2008

Leroy,
It is a wonderful thing to feel you have luck and magic on your side. To have confidence that you have the best doctors - the ones with all the answers. It infuses us with a sense of invincibility in a way. But at the end of the day, our bodies are only up to so much tinkering and the docs have only so many tricks up their sleeves. And you know, acceptance of any situation brings its own sense of magic. I'm not talking about giving up, just looking at the thing for what it is. Here's to enjoying one day at a time!

Sent by Martha | 2:14 PM ET | 01-22-2008

Leroy, I'm sending you hugs. I wish so hard that "the people in the basement" would hurry up for you. Sending hugs/wishes of strength and comfort.

Sent by liz | 2:42 PM ET | 01-22-2008

Dear Leroy,

I don't claim to have any answers, but my observation is that only you and your doctors have all the information - and they're stopped offering any options. So, do you want to go gently into that good night, or as you've said before, do you want to kick cancer's butt every step of the way? For what it's worth, which is nothing in the big scheme of things, my opinion is to get other doctors, do try more aggressive treatments, try everything! If you have to have more chemo, and it makes sense, do it, even if it makes you sick as hell while you're going through it. Who knows, it might just work this time!! How many people on this board have had chemo, more than once? Many. It may work, it may not. At least you can say you did everything you could. I speak, somewhat crudely, out of selfishness and love for you. I don't want to let you go. I'm not ready for that. I know realistically, that not everyone gets a miracle, and I know the things you must put your body through are horrific, and sometimes it is time to let go, and say, "Enough". But are we there yet? I hope and pray not. I know if this were my mother, and she agreed to it, and there was anybody, anywhere, who had any credibility with other treatment options, we would be there in a flash. Again, I say this only out of love for you, and the wish to see you have many more years. I continue to pray for you every day.

Sent by Connie | 2:52 PM ET | 01-22-2008

You have received so many caring thoughts and suggestions, but in the end, what matters most is that you are at peace with whatever you--and Laurie--decide. Whether that be alternative treatments, nutritionists, different doctors, etc. To me there is no right or wrong, just choices that you are at peace with.

God grant you his wisdom and his grace to help you and guide you.

Sent by Denise | 3:21 PM ET | 01-22-2008

Liz and all,

Stephanie Dornbrook's words to us were such a gift, "Forgive everyone". Many of us have felt guilt: "If only.." can last for years. I think it's a way of keeping someone 'alive', though it separates by feelings of unworthiness. "Forgive everything" is universal. Why not do it now as later?

Cathi...PNW

Sent by Cathi | 3:26 PM ET | 01-22-2008

So many of us are so unaware of our clock ticking. We take for granted the remaining ticks as the mundane and unimportant trivia take over way too much. You have made all of us so aware of being inter-active and aggressive no matter what our battles of life. We fight our own, we join our loved ones, and we pray for the battle of one man on the internet who shares each morning his battle with us. I am truly sorry it is getting harder and I know that when medicines seem not to make alot of difference the arms around you will.

Sent by Debbie | 5:58 PM ET | 01-22-2008

Paula:
Your calm, personal message about Hospice is an important one for everyone to hear. Hospice is not something to be feared. It is a practical, gentle and compassionate way to face the inevitable.
To face the issue squarely, as you have done, is admirable and courageous. I only hope that I can do half as well as you.
Love, Don

Sent by don winslow | 7:05 PM ET | 01-22-2008

A wise, spiritually gifted woman who made daily visits to her 80+ yrs. father who had cancer, came upon him one day, wherein he looked "less than enthusiastic". She suggested they go see a movie, to which he remarked, "I feel terrible, and I'm dying of cancer, can't you understand?" She allowed some time to pass and then gently but resolutely offered,
"Yes, that's true....but not today." So he went to the movies with her, and enjoyed himself. I recommend "The Bucket List" since you mentioned it....I have battled cancer a few times...still workin on it....saw the movie twice-took my 12 yr old to see it the 2nd time....we laughed a lot...and even cried.
Thanks for sharing....to one another we can help transmit the pull to live, to will, to accept, and even endure: these are ultimately amongst our best attributes. All the best, Leroy.

Mark

Sent by Mark Lebovitz | 8:26 PM ET | 01-22-2008

I have read your blog every day that you post since seeing Ted Koppel's documentary. I think of you often and so hope and pray for you to feel better.

Sent by LR | 8:30 PM ET | 01-22-2008

Leroy,

If you are eligible, maybe clinical trials? Since you are a fighter, get aggressive and pull out all the stops.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 9:06 PM ET | 01-22-2008

Dear Leroy,
I think Good Thoughts for you every day and today is no different May tomorrow be full of hope and Good feelings. You have so many of us wanting the very best for you----just take it one minute at a time and fill those minutes with love for youself and those around you. We all care and you will find Your answer. xox dee

Sent by dee | 9:08 PM ET | 01-22-2008

CRAP!!! I was so hoping for better news. I will continue to keep the good thoughts and prayers going. Keep fighting the good battle!

Sent by Mike | 11:23 PM ET | 01-22-2008

Whatever path you choose to walk, further aggressive care or even comfort care, I hope you continue to lead us all with your courage and grace.

Sent by karen mason | 11:59 PM ET | 01-22-2008

Hi, I've been keeping you in prayers..I am facing some of the same things right now, so I do know how you feel...I know that if my liver quits working, and its trying to, well we know what that means..I am now taking three chemos every week, and am still juandice.. Its hard not to be depressed sometimes, though I try...I have my mother here who is 87, taking c`are of her, my daughter in college, and husband working very long days to pay for the college..we are a sorry lot in my household as it is...But I pray to not be depressed and do the best I can...And I always pray for others, because its the one thing I can do for them...Please take care

Sent by Elsie Susie Hager | 2:21 AM ET | 01-23-2008

Leroy,
Please don't hesitate to call hospice. They are extraordinary. My mother could afford anything she wanted. She was able to be in her own home and had 2 private duty nurses around the clock. Unfortunately, I waited untill her last few weeks to call hospice. I wish that I had called them months before. They arrived like a flurry of angels with expert people, the latest equipment, special medications, a bag of tricks gleaned from years of experience, and a whole host of special resources and support staff, not only for my mother, but for those who cared for her. Call them as soon as you can, but do your research and get the best in your area. We used VITAS Hospice, but there are many others. Call soon. I check in with you everyday. You're the BEST.

Sent by Victoria B. Murray | 3:35 PM ET | 01-23-2008