There's Still More Living To Do

 
“Let's face it, I didn't expect to still be around. My doctors certainly didn't expect me to be ... But here I am. So how do I explain that?”
 
 

When I was first diagnosed two years ago, I spent a lot of time thinking about how to tell people. How do you break that kind of news? How do you put that fear and sadness into words?

Well, it's two years later and I'm still here.

Let's face it, I didn't expect to still be around. My doctors certainly didn't expect me to be. My friends and family were scared that I wouldn't still be here. But here I am. So how do I explain that?

I have good doctors, the best in the business. And they're willing to try new things. I'm willing to try new things. If a new procedure sounds like it might work, I'm all for it.

I have the thoughts and prayers from all of you. I am truly blessed. Or to put it another way, I am truly well-armed when it comes to this fight with cancer.

But how have I managed to beat the odds? Why didn't I just die when my first doctors predicted I would?

I don't really have an answer for that. I'm stubborn, and I'm sure that's part of it. I'm pretty strong, and I'm sure that's part of it, too.

And I still have more living to do. More blogs to write, that keeps me going too.

But when I stop and think about it, I realize it's just not my time yet. I still have too much to do.

 

Comments (Send a comment)

Nice Leroy! Very optimistic and upbeat. Remember, I have offered Mai Tais in Maui during March... 13-22.

Whales, sun, blue water, and relaxation.

Prayers to Stephanie's family at this time of healing.

Sent by Sue Chap | 8:08 AM ET | 01-07-2008

way, way, way too much to do, Leroy! Every human being is terminal.......some of us just have it on our minds more than others....that's the difference!! In the meantime, we all have a lot of living to do!
You're doing so many important things - keep it up - and the army is always here with you!
Hugs, prayers and good energy coming at you!

Sent by Ruth Chermok | 8:09 AM ET | 01-07-2008

I woke up this morning half dreaming, half awake, thinking about how one comment a person can make could literally change a persons life and we may never know it. A person could make a small comment to someone which in turn that person could act on that comment, meet someone who could change their life forever. we just dont know do we? your blog or your words or your video or who knows what, could be changing someones life forever. There are so many 'whys' in the world. i'm glad you're still alive leroy.

Sent by Jenn | 8:14 AM ET | 01-07-2008

A Very Good Morning Leroy! It is almost Tuesday and you shall get some needed relief. However your attitude is wonderful and you have to keep the faith. Attitude is three quarters of healing, I firmly believe. This should be an exciting week. I am waiting for an opinion as to whether or not there is the possibility that my old Breast Cancer has returned after all these years. Had a Mamo done last Fri and will get the verdict Wed. after they have the chance to compare them with my old films which had to be gotten from an old hospital file room. My husband goes to his Urologist today to check on his enlarged prostate, my sister in law in SC is having a c-scan this morning to check on her four year old lung tumor so as to determine her next treatment, and you our friend, are begining a new treatment. Quite an exciting week to come.

Sent by J C R | 8:15 AM ET | 01-07-2008

Hi Leroy, it's so great to hear you are defying predictions- I am full of hope that this will continue for a very long time! I'd like to express a complicated response I had to your last line, "I still have too much to do." Of course you do. Yet doesn't that have implications, in a post on WHY (why you are still around, as you put it)? I've lost people (to cancer, to AIDS) at such young ages- people full of spirit who fought their illness and who wanted to live and experience and contribute so much more to the world. I wouldn't for a minute complain about anything you write, I'm a daily reader, I just think it's good to explore these things - the last line left me not only with sadness (which is OK, it's not to be feared) and also with a tinge of skepticism (which is very rare when I read you!)

Sent by Barbara K. | 8:17 AM ET | 01-07-2008

And we are so glad that you are still here!! What a difference you've made in so many lives!

I read on Mara's blog that Stephanie passed away with her family at her side. While it sad to see such a brave woman pass (she faced her final months, weeks and days with grace and dignity), it is a blessing that she can rest in peace. May we all include in our prayers her family.

Continue to hang in there, Leroy. You've much to do and much to accomplish! Your blog reaches so many in the cancer world to give us Hope, Support and Encouragement.

Blessings and prayers as always.

Sent by Al Cato | 8:33 AM ET | 01-07-2008

Amen to that! You have a gift and you make a difference in the world every day. Keep on keepin on!

Sent by Nichole in FL | 8:54 AM ET | 01-07-2008

I believe you got it right Leroy - it's not your time yet or you would be gone.

I've been told twice that I had "6 months to live" - once in 2000 and again in 2005 when my original Br C metas to the bone. I'm still here too!

I've been told that my cancer is not behaving in the way they expected and that I've been very atypical in my response. They tell me I'm a "fighter" and very strong.

All of that could be so, but I firmly believe that my life, my times are in Hands bigger and more competent than any human's! I rest and trust in Him and Him, alone.

Sent by Vicky (NY) | 8:56 AM ET | 01-07-2008

Hi Leroy,

Who knows what God has in store for us? Each day on this planet is a gift and no one is guaranteed tomorrow. We all have much to do and hopefully we get our chance to fulfill some dreams, inspire others, sometimes it all seems so random. Here's to many more days for you, you inspire us all with your amazing strength and resilience.

Lianne

Sent by Lianne Friedman | 9:11 AM ET | 01-07-2008

Leroy, I hope you will not take what I'm about to say as criticism. When people attribute their success at beating the cancer odds to stubborness, strength, the love of others, and even good doctors, I think of the cancer patients who had all of those things and didn't beat the odds (and since I participate in an online support forum related to one of my cancers, I can think of several people like this). It's only natural to want to believe that what affects survival is something under our control, but I think believing that must feel awful to the person who did all the right things and had the right doctors and just has an aggressive cancer that defies all treatment. And I think there is research showing that usually doctors overestimate, not underestimate, the length of time someone will survive--so many people may feel somewhat cheated in that regard.

The bottom line is, I think, luck has a lot to do with it, just as it has a lot to do with who gets cancer and who doesn't in the first place. I like the way you conclude--that the bottom line is your time has just not come yet. Who knows why but if we try to make the most of every day we're given, that is really the best we can do.

And I really am happy that you have beaten the odds.

Sent by N.R. | 9:19 AM ET | 01-07-2008

I know why you're still here. It's that powerful mind-body connection. You've made up your mind that you're going to beat this and it's happening. That's why. It's the essence of the "Secret."

Sent by Linnea | 9:27 AM ET | 01-07-2008

Good Morning Leroy, Laurie and All,

Leroy, YES to prayer, support, strength and being stubborn! And a big yes to having a great medical team and more to contribute! I'm sure that all of these things are why you are still here and we are so glad that you are with us! Here's hoping that tomorrow brings you some sustained relief from your pain and that your strength will soon return in full.

Laurie, I know you are anxious about tomorrow and I hope that all goes well and it will soon be over. I hope you realize just how important you and all the caregivers are to all of us with cancer. I lost it a couple of nights ago when I got the results of my latest CA-125, it was up again and I couldn't hold back the tears. Tom was there to wipe the tears away and I can't tell you how much it meant to feel the comfort of his arms.

To All, I know we will all miss Stephanie as her journey is now over. Certainly our thoughts and prayers are with her family.

Now, as we continue our journies, we will fill our remaining time with things to do. Tom and I are tackling the livingroom, with wall paper to remove and walls to paint. Our granddaughters visited yesterday and were promptly put to work on the wallpaper. They chatted and spashed and had a marvelous time. Yes, we still have living to do! God Bless!

Eileen Pruyne
Charlotte, NC

Sent by Eileen Pruyne | 9:29 AM ET | 01-07-2008

I'm so glad it isn't your time yet! Thank you!
Charlotte in Rural Ridge, PA

Sent by Charlotte Kewish | 9:30 AM ET | 01-07-2008

Great blog. I have just passed the two and half year mark since I got my "six month" diagnosis. It is great and I have packed as much into that time as possible trips to Paris, Greece, Spain and a couple to Canada and a couple of projects at work I'm proud of but I do sometimes get bored with the idea of dying. I can imagine how hard is on my friends and family. I also wonder if there might be someone out there who thinks, "Why doesn't she just die?".

Anyway, I'm glad you are hanging in there. I just saw the message about Stephanie. My thoughts go out to her family and I hope they know how much she contributed here. Peace,

Sent by Dona | 9:35 AM ET | 01-07-2008

Hope that the day will pass quickly and the procedure tomorrow will go well. I wish you all the best and thank you for your writings.

Sent by Jen | 9:50 AM ET | 01-07-2008

My diagnosis was almost two years ago now, too. And like you, they all said I wouldn't live more than 7-9 months, so I've defied that expiration guess.

But many docs and nurses told me something that struck me as odd. It seemed like before a surgery or the onset of radiation or a new round of chemo, someone would look me and say, "Oh but you're going to do really well."

After hearing it time and again, I started to develop a theory. I think these medical folk see so many patients with cancer, and only a small number face the diagnosis with a stubborn, determined approach.

I'd be willing to bet that's what they saw in you, Leroy. A positive, stubborn, never-say-die attitude that they've seem go a long way toward (what do I say here?), positive outcomes, remission, even "cure."

Sent by jordis | 9:58 AM ET | 01-07-2008

Dear Leroy,

Good Luck with your procedure tomorrow, and may you continue to be blessed with excellent doctors, new options, hope, and courage. You truly are blessed, also, that so many people love you so dearly, but it is a two-way street. You have given so many a voice, a forum, encouragement, and allowed us to draw strength from you with your honesty and insight, on good days, and bad. Thank you. I believe that God is using you, in a very special way, and I continue to pray for you and everyone here.

And Stephanie...I will never forget you. My thoughts and prayers are also with your family.

Sent by Connie | 10:01 AM ET | 01-07-2008

Dear Leroy/All,

I just finished reading Mr. Cato's post. Thank you Al for keeping us informed about Stephanie. I'm sorry for not being able to keep a positive attitude, but I'm a very emotionally weak person; I was emotionally weak even when life was good.........pre-cancer. Hearing the news about Stephanie makes this a very sad day for me. It makes my life all too real!

Leroy, I admire your courage. If positive thinking has an effect on the outcome of an illness, you will certainly be around for a long time. I wish you the very best dear friend.

To Stephanie..........The suffering is over. Rest in peace.

Sent by sasha | 10:02 AM ET | 01-07-2008

It sounds to me, Leroy, that you have some kind of sense that it's not your time yet. I've never been a very intuitive person - never really had a "feeling" that something was or wasn't going to happen - except when it comes to my cancer. By the medical odds, I should be okay - stage II breast cancer caught relatively early, cancer-free now (as far as I know), in (otherwise)general good health. But I have NEVER been able to shake the feeling that it's coming back. I live my life, which is now back to a kind of normal I guess, as if it's not coming back - but in the back of my mind, I just know it is. Do other non-metastatic cancer folk feel this way? Or am I just overly neurotic?

To Mara and Stephanie Dornbrook's family - you are in my thoughts and prayers - and here in Leroy's blog land, we are all with you.

Sent by Gretchen Hoag | 10:08 AM ET | 01-07-2008

Dear Leroy/All,

This is my second post; I am having computer problems.

Today is a very sad day for all of us. I read Mr. Cato's post regarding the passing of Stephanie. She was a wonderful part of this blog family. It just makes everything too real for me. I think about when the end comes for my husband and how my children and myself are going to handle it. Will there be much pain and suffering? I hope not.......

Leroy, hang in there. You are always in my prayers.

To Stephanie.........the suffering is over. Rest in peace.

Sent by sasha | 10:09 AM ET | 01-07-2008

Leroy, today's musings bring to mind the many words written by Art Buchwald AFTER he went to hospice.

All of us are, as a member of the club noted earlier, are terminal.Being fully aware of that may be a side effect of cancer that makes each day precious.

Hope your days will be freer of pain after the procedure tomorrow.

Peggy

Sent by Peggy | 10:10 AM ET | 01-07-2008

Dear Leroy. You wrote a while ago about living past the average expected prognosis for your cancer, describing it as going past a landmark and out into uncharted waters. That image has been so helpful to me as I live with my diagnosis and talk with people about it. Every day is one day closer to that landmark and the open seas.

I am so thankful for your blog ... I share it with my friends, and it helps us make sense of this new reality and gives such hope. Wishing you peace today and always.

Sent by Elsa Cumming | 10:14 AM ET | 01-07-2008

You go, Leroy!!!

Sent by Sandra Yudilevich | 10:46 AM ET | 01-07-2008

This is so true. We don't know how what we say and do affects other people. I have a big mouth and I've found out a few times that the things I've said made a positive difference in someone's life. We all have a purpose that is often unknown to us. Stubborness is a great asset if used properly and Leroy you know how to use it! You've taught me so much already and I still have so much to learn so keep blogging as it makes a difference.

Hugs,

Lori

Sent by Lori Levin | 10:56 AM ET | 01-07-2008

Leroy, Each day I read your Blog. Each time you lift me up in spirit. I hope you know "you are a blessing to us".

Sent by Carolyn | 11:00 AM ET | 01-07-2008

Leroy, your words are always so amazing. You have an army of people praying for you! You keep that faith and strength. It is what will help you to fight this disease!
To Stephanie's family, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you can find peace and comfort in knowing she is no longer suffering.
Stay strong and faithful in your fight, Laurie

Sent by Laurie Hirth | 11:01 AM ET | 01-07-2008

Well, my earlier response is intensifying. With respect, "you've made up your mind that you're going to beat this and it's happening" does an incredible disservice to many. I'll keep it short here, and then keep quiet - but please think about the implications of statements like these for those who have lost the fight. If it translates to a kind of implicit blaming of the victim - did they not make up their mind sincerely enough? - count me out. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for a positive optimistic STRONG attitude - please don't think otherwise.

Sent by Barbara K. | 11:01 AM ET | 01-07-2008

Hello Leroy, I've wanted to comment to your postings over the past weeks, but the words did not flow. I guess I just want to reiterate how important your work here has been; and how much I hope that the source of pain and fluid can be quickly taken care of.

For those wanting to offer electronic condolences to Stephanie Dornbrook's family, here is the link to the funeral home's page.
http://test.brunners.com/guestbook/condolences.shtml

Sent by Sheara | 11:07 AM ET | 01-07-2008

The second to last sentence of your blog made me smile. I was thinking the same thing. It wasn't, and isn't, your time yet. I truly hope you feel a little, or a lot better, every day, so you can enjoy doing all those things you still need to do.

Life is too short, with or without cancer. I guess the only difference between one and the other(well, besides the treatments and other things :S) is that cancer makes us more aware of our mortality. But you know what? Without cancer, we're gonna die anyways.... without cancer (or any other life threatening disease), we're just a little more unaware of how and when...of course, that's assuming that doctors can accurately tell us how and when when they find the cancer, which we know is really not always the case.

I started to think a lot of death after I watched my father die. I loved him more than any other person in the world... but... life goes on.... until it doesn't. So, till then, live it up. :) It's really the only thing any of us can do. I hope you enjoy it to the fullest.

Hoping for the best, always.


Sent by Sandra S. | 11:28 AM ET | 01-07-2008

Hi to Everyone
I think the general consensus is that the doctors DON'T know when we'll die, and so as I face a new met to my liver, I have cried but no panic thus far 'cuz no one seems to know how this will play out. They tell me they'll get it and I'm doing good. Go figure. So maybe, just as there was a date for our birth on it, there's also a date written somewhere with our death on it, so why worry about it. It will be when it will be, no matter how much we have left to do or how much we think we deserve a longer time on earth. When I get scared I tell myself "I still have today" I repeat it over and over again. It steadies me. Ten years ago they told me I had a year to live. I've had to steady myself a million times in ten years. What I'm most afraid of is dying in pain. When I read on Stephanie's son post that she was in pain, that's what freaks me out. The living part I can do...and do....and do.

Kate

Sent by Kate Fuehrer | 11:39 AM ET | 01-07-2008

Leroy, We all have too much to do! We all want to continue sharing on this Blog it may help someone else through this curse. But the Reaper is out there, and he will come one day, one of his choosing, not ours, and it, life, will be over. No amount of strength, or size, or fortitude changes anything. We Fight, that's what we do, we pick a good team and have them around us, and we Fight. To Fight has become what I am, you too. I suspect, or rather, I know one day I will lose this fight, but it won't be for lack of Fighting.
Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 11:50 AM ET | 01-07-2008

Leroy,
I'm so glad to hear your spirits are high today. You are so important to all of us! I hope tomorrow's procedure goes well and reduces your pain.

Even though the news about Stephanie's passing was not unexpected, it hurts. She was a beautiful person, a great lady. We were all so fortunate to read her insightful comments here.

To Gretchen - Yes, like you, I have a strong feeling my cancer will be back even though I'm healthy now.That lends a certain urgency, a need to grab hold of life and live it fully - now!

Sent by Doris | 12:25 PM ET | 01-07-2008

Leroy
We are glad it's not your time!

I just overheard this conversation in the elevator one person wishing the other a happy new year. Oh, they're pretty much the same every year. And I thought, lucky you. My year was very different last year with a diagnosis of breast cancer, albeit very early. This year starting out with radiation. Boy some people have no idea how lucky they are.

Hope all goes well tomorrow.

Sent by Dianne (DC) | 12:52 PM ET | 01-07-2008

Leroy, Just thank God that you are still alive, I do every day.

Sent by Ruth White | 1:35 PM ET | 01-07-2008


Hello Leroy. I think that one of the reasons you're still here is the same reason that Stephanie had so much more time than the doctors originally predicted - - you have a lot to tell us about living.

Stephanie told us a lot, too. I am absolutely astounded at how the news of her impending death last week, and her passing yesterday, has impacted me. Stephanie - - a "stranger", but not a "stranger" at all. Someone i feel i know better than many of my friends and family. Stephanie, you gave us so much. I am so grateful that i "knew" you.

Here is Stephanie's obituary from her local newspaper, for those of you who may be interested.

http://www.zwire.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=19173968&BRD=1698&PAG=461&dept_id=21847&rfi=6

Rest in peace, Stephanie.


Sent by Suzanne in Houston | 1:59 PM ET | 01-07-2008

Are we making the most of this "extra' time, as you all seem to think of it. As we survive, do we do anything with the days except count them? What are the research teams doing? What are they working on? Do they truly want to CURE cancer? After all, it is making a lucretive industry thrive! Today, we leave the doctor's offices with bags of "samples" to try out and then we will be given a prescription for more if we survive when the samples are gone.
Yes, I am cynical. For all my life (78 yrs) they have supposedly been "fighting cancer" How much money has been thrown in the pit? How many good, optimistic people are gone and going? How many have been cured??

Sent by J C R | 2:18 PM ET | 01-07-2008

I have a wonderful British friend who says that when you are born the date of your death is stamped on your behind. Even in a 3-way mirror, it's very hard to see your own behind I've tried!), so it seems to me none of us have any idea how long we have. Let's make the most of each day.

Sent by Cindy in Virginia | 2:34 PM ET | 01-07-2008

Leroy, I'm so glad you are still here and sharing. Your insights have been very valuable to me. I was diagnosed 15 months ago and give only months to live due to Stage 4 Kidney cancer. I do believe attitude helps. A optimistic attitude can relieve the stress and help us heal. Of course, if the cancer is too agressive all the positive attitude won't do much good. The good doctors and in my case new medication sure does help. But even if a positive attitude doesn't give us one more day, it makes those days we have more peaceful and enjoyable. A devotional I read New Year's day asked the question... Do you first the new year with fear and trembling or do you face it with eagerness and excitement. Well I have to say I face it with hope, faith in the fact that God is with me no matter what and joy of appreciation of each new day. We all don't know but let's live this day the best we can. Leroy you give us all so much and I want to thank you. Also my thoughts are prayers are with Stephanie's family as they go through this time.

Jackie

Sent by Jackie | 2:35 PM ET | 01-07-2008

Don't know what you call it -- maybe faith, stubbornness, heart, will -- this mental attitude contributes to offsetting physical decline, even if it's for a short while. Like Leroy, and our Stephanie, you can't be a shrinking violet fighting this disease. I hope I can do it.

Sent by Dorothy - Los Angeles | 3:28 PM ET | 01-07-2008

Good luck tomorrow, Leroy. We are all so glad to have you with us.

I am so sorry to lose Stephanie. We will all miss her strength and determination.

That's what is so special about this blog. No one is a stranger. We all get to know each other.


Sent by Marcy in NJ | 5:16 PM ET | 01-07-2008

Leroy:
Wish I could believe that all it took were good doctors, good attitude, etc. but Burge had all of those and more and yet he didn't make it. At least like Stephanie, it's all behind him now and the why doesn't matter.

My love to Stephanie's family.

Nikki

Sent by Nikki | 6:58 PM ET | 01-07-2008

Thank you, Mr. Sievers.

Prayers are sent your way as always, Leroy, and a little extra for rapid healing during and after your procedure tommorrow.

Sincerely,
Bobbie in Texas


Ms. Stephanie endured to the end well and now has her rest. May the Comforter bless family and friends who mourn her passing and feel left behind.

Sent by Bobbie Hollis | 8:08 PM ET | 01-07-2008

Leroy,

I love your attitude. I too have a lot to do.

Hugs, Betty

Sent by Betty | 3:47 AM ET | 01-08-2008

Leroy,
Not bad. Attitude may not mean squat, but it sure feels good so long as we are on the planet. Who knows when Dr. D is going to show up. You are an inspiration to be in the now.
Alec Lambie

Sent by Alec Lambie | 12:56 PM ET | 02-06-2008

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