We, too, have been touched by your experience with this, Leroy. Keep letting us into your "room" and we'll be there, too, with all the cards, and animals and breathing machines. We're part of your recovery, too.

Sent by Linnea | 7:33 AM ET | 03-19-2008

When I was in college I was in therapy for a few months. One of the "homework" assignments my therapist gave me was to describe my bedroom (at my parents' house). She said "your room has many clues to who you are."

So, although I didn't agree with most of what she said, There is a certain amount of truth to her premise.

Sent by Liz L. | 7:56 AM ET | 03-19-2008

and the trinkets and stuffed animals are from people who love and care about you; the other things - they are the things that keep you who you are today, as opposed to who you were. But this person is going through a struggle that he had never ever planned and doing it with grace. G-d bless you and just keep on noticing the changes! jan

Sent by Janice Goldberg White | 8:01 AM ET | 03-19-2008

Oddly enough, yesterday I too looked around and noted the "leftovers" of my dance through life and with the cancer demon.

Not unlike your room, only I was looking around in a retail dressing room and its three way mirrors (the scourge of many of us). The scar from my three back surgeries are (happily) all behind me...following the same path, they snake from stem to stern; the lung cancer's surgical remains are fairly small, thanks to space age technology at George Washington Hospital Center, "just" five round marks. The chemo though, left me with hair and nails that seem forever thinned and brittle.

On an unseen level is my delight at simply "being"! Having been so clearly "touched" by cancer, I am humbled and happy at my state of affairs.

Peggy

Sent by Peggy | 8:21 AM ET | 03-19-2008

Leroy,
I don't get to my parents' house much these days, but when I do, it is hard for me to see my mom's cane, or her walker, and all the medication she is taking. Along with all of those things, though, are artifacts of the time I lived there--a school photo, books, different things in what used to be my room.
I guess it's all a part of live evolving.

Sent by Kathleen, NJ | 8:23 AM ET | 03-19-2008

Good morning Leroy,

I agree. I think once cancer touches our lives it moves in. Brings along it's own baggage with it.

I hope you will have a sunny day where you are at today Leroy. It is wonderful to see the spring flowers blooming out. Get outside as you can. Really helps. Take a big breath of fresh air.

Sent by dorothy in oregon | 8:42 AM ET | 03-19-2008

Good Morning Leroy, although it is a very dark, gloomy morning here. Your post just now was so human and now when I close my eyes, I can visulize your room. From your description it would seem that the cancer items are just as much a part of the memorabilia of your life as the Wars and Journalism. A part of all that makes you who and what you are.
You know Leroy, when I was hospitalized for my cancer years ago, I had a deaf woman as my room mate. We became fast friends for yrs to come. However, she had only gone deaf after the birth of her third and last child. She told me that she felt that "the Lord had made her deaf because she wasn't listening to Him and He wanted her attention". Said that she was finally "listening" to the messages in her mind.
Anyway, it does sound like you are getting your thoughts all organized as you spend so much time in your room and can really look around and ponder. You seem to be thinking of this cancer as a part of your life and not as ontrolling it. I love hearing you as you do get my imagination going also! Thank you.

Sent by J C R | 8:49 AM ET | 03-19-2008

Yup...stuff that you never thought you would have. I just threw away some breathing stuff from the hospital the other day and it felt like graduation. I figure if this crap comes back they can give me some new plastic breathing toys!!!!

Sweet and sour post there Leroy.

Hugs,

Lori

Sent by Lori | 8:56 AM ET | 03-19-2008

Hi, Leroy,

I'm still up so I decided to try an early comment. Haven't been to bed yet so I hope I make sense.

I know what you mean about medical and hospital artifacts. I have a few of my own from cancer, but in our bedroom we have more than two of those breathers. We have collected many artifacts from hubby's broken leg surgery (2003), back surgery (disk fusion 2007), stent angioplasty (2005, I think), we have diabetic supplies in the kitchen and bedroom (his), and a number of the give-away pillows the hospital sends home with folks after a hospital stay. Oh, I forgot hubby's neck traction device (2007). We can't tell what is whose from what on some things anymore. If the hospital bills us for it, it comes home with us.

I'll admit those hospital or cancer center items do have cancer memories written all over them.

And you are right, once cancer comes into a person's life, artifacts become amazingly abundant and each holds a sensory memory of some kind to remind us of where we have been or still are on the cancer journey. For some odd reason that I don't understand I saved, rolled, and collected in a plastic bag each of the pieces of the colored tape they use after a bloodtest or IV.

May we all collect less of those kinds of artifacts.

Have a reasonable facsimile of a good day.

Sincerely,
Bobbie in Texas

Sent by Bobbie Hollis | 9:07 AM ET | 03-19-2008

Dear Leroy,
What an interesting topic you have chosen today! I think you will recieve a lot of responses. You are always coming up with new ways to put this illness into words and I think you are amazing at it. Our house too is filled with paraphenalia that represents my husband's cancer while the "artifacts" of his former life, like his golf clubs, sit idly by. These are the things that that the "well world" doesn't understand. Thanks for trying to explain it to them.

Sent by Elaine | 9:09 AM ET | 03-19-2008

Dear Leroy, What you've described is tangible evidence of your progress and the efforts of many people to help you get better. Some pieces are artifacts, no longer needed. Others are still of service, but only occasionally. Lots of small victories for you. Lots of caring coming your way.
With hope, Wendy

Sent by Wendy S. Harpham, MD | 9:20 AM ET | 03-19-2008

Hi Leroy,

Wow, I'm crying reading your post. Some of the tears are for you, and how the accoutrements of illness have had to make their way into the accoutrements of your life as you have lived it pre-cancer.

Some of the tears are for just the immense sadness I am feeling dealing with the accoutrements that have crept into my life steadily over the years of dealing with illness. And sadness for the caring people in my life,who are unable to remain in my life due to their own abilities to cope or not cope with whatever's going on. Those losses have been the hardest.

You are surrounded by thousands of people who care about you. We won't all fit on your shelves; :-) but you can, perhaps, picture us there when you are looking at your surroundings and shelves, and feel the love of all these people across this planet pouring out in your direction.

Heartlight,

Kim

Sent by Kim | 9:29 AM ET | 03-19-2008

My son is going to be 5 in a few months, but he was less than a year old when I was diagnosed. He has seen me at my worst from the chemo, and we hoped he wouldn't remember, but he is a very smart boy. So when he feels ill, and feels like he may throw up he asks for one of my "chemo-buckets." To him that is a natural part of feeling ill. But I know it is the touch of cancer showing it's mark on my son. Since this is what he has seen, this is "normal." While I appreciate not having to clean up a big mess, I sometimes wish he didn't have that experience to draw on.

Sent by Brit | 9:36 AM ET | 03-19-2008

You're right, as usual.

I hadn???t ever given any real thought to how quickly and easily we adapted to each change, each decline in function and ability. The wheelchair, the walker, the assortment of canes, the crutches, the commode chair. The vials of medicine in the refrigerator, the syringes in a box on the counter. The IV pole that sat in the corner, and the boxes of IV fluids piled in the parlor...they just somehow became part of normal, part of the decor.

I???ve given away Terry???s wheelchair and walker, but I???ve stubbornly held on to the canes. There???s the two black ones for every day use, the silver-knobbed one and the crystal knobbed one that were for more formal occasions, the carved one we bought in Africa...My best friend keeps begging me to let them go, throw them out, but I just can???t do that. Where I go from now on, they???ll go, to sit in the umbrella stand as both decor and silent memorial.

Even though Terry???s gone, those canes are part of my new normal.

Sent by Bruce | 9:45 AM ET | 03-19-2008

While I only have a special "drawer" committed to the things I have accrued, the information packages, papers, discharge papers. Yes,why we keep them is really the question. I think it is because it represents "who" we have become. Much the same as the things we had, our books, our keepsakes, before our ordeal. Just a gentle reminder that we are doing good with our new "being".
Prayers, Love and May the Grace of God Be with You.
Wanda Amorose

Sent by Wanda Amorose | 9:49 AM ET | 03-19-2008

Do we ever really get away from it?

Sent by Lisa | 10:18 AM ET | 03-19-2008

Dear Leroy,
The good thing I hear in your blog today is that you finally have time enough and pain free enough to look around and be able to think about something other than the pain. That is a good thing and another step up that ladder on getting better. Hang in there my friend. Hugs to you and Laurie

Sent by Teresa in WV | 10:22 AM ET | 03-19-2008

Leroy,
When I was in treatment 2 years ago, I had my "encouragement" wall, where I taped all the cards and letters people sent me. Months after I finished treatment, I finally took them down (mainly I needed room for Christmas Cards!), but a few very special ones remained on the adjoining wall next to my computer. My artifacts...

I also recently found I needed old bandages and tape I had leftover from a surgery! Glad I kept some of those artifacts too!

Sent by Kelley | 11:47 AM ET | 03-19-2008

Leroy,

Scars, toys, cards, pills, walker, breathing machine, safety belt - all testimonials to your love of life! So much better than a headstone!

Blessings

Sent by Diana Kitch | 11:52 AM ET | 03-19-2008

Leroy, There is no part of my life that has not been altered by the cancer. You do get to a point where you just live with the changes. I still worry about it but not so much as I did once. I don't know why that is exactly. I guess we all adjust as time passes. I hope the next step for you is not so difficult as the last. Thoughts, Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 1:30 PM ET | 03-19-2008

That breathing thing that you blow into and your breath raises the ball? I still have mine from my thoracotomy that was over a year ago. It's in a drawer and i hate clutter-even when it's hidden-so, why do i still have it?
Maybe, by keeping it, I somehow think i am keeping myself from having further surgery on my lungs. You know: "Oh, I didn't think I'd need it ever again-i just threw it out!"
My stuffed pink elephant from my teens and the pink critter from one of my preschool students are in my closet where i can see them (for fear of seeming like a beanie baby collecting woman). My cards are in a drawer next to my bed. Hmmm...For somebody that is always getting rid of stuff I sure haven't let go of these things. Never thought of why until now.

Sent by NancyGM | 1:37 PM ET | 03-19-2008

Bruce -
I still have many things left over that I refuse to get rid of. I have a tote box with xrays - tubes - medical reports - hats - stuffed animals - just things but to me they are precious because they were my husbands. Leroy - we all have artifacts we hold on to... nothing wrong with that!!!!

Sent by Deb in Michigan | 2:59 PM ET | 03-19-2008

Leroy,
I have been reading the last few days and it seems that you've come to realize that you have what we have come to call "new normal". That is the normal that comes after all of these changes, the cancer invasion, the treatments, the changes in our physical abilities, etc. New normal has arrived for you, but it IS NOT THE END.....

Sent by Cindy | 3:00 PM ET | 03-19-2008

Leroy,

I look at all of my stuff too, the collection of breathing things (my wife and I have collected four so far), the canes in the corner, the walker in the garage and the container of dressings and other medical supplies. I've started thinking of this stuff as weapons in my arsenal that have helped me in the battle and they have served me well so far. The only stuff I've been able to let go was several boxes of colostomy supplies. After my colostomy was reversed I gave all of that stuff to one of my angels, a home health care nurse who helped me by finding just the right things to fit my body. I was sure she could use them to help someone else through some dark times.

Sent by Walt from LA | 3:49 PM ET | 03-19-2008

I keep almost nothing. My breathing stuff--gone. After two lung surgeries believe me they give you new ones. I do have a small collection of "charms" small things given from caring folks a buckeye, a medal blessed by a Pope, a rock with "hope" on it, they all fit in a small pouch. I always throw the pouch into my hospital bag and know they are there.

I have been having a different experience throwing out my real life. Years of accumulated work records, which I have been shredding. Programs that are gone and no one else cared about are reduced to strips. I realize no one else will want these things but it does feel like I am reducing my work life to recycling.

Sent by Dona | 4:43 PM ET | 03-19-2008

Your post kind of reminds me of that classic book describing the soldiers' experience in Vietnam, "The Things They Carried." There are certain things we carry (or that carry us) through this cancer experience, too.

Peace.

Carl

Sent by Carl Wilton | 4:56 PM ET | 03-19-2008

Deb, thanks for validating the fact that gone does not equal forgotten, that there are just some things we can't let go and wouldn't if we could.

Carl, there are also things that carry we surviving caregivers through the experience, but more importantly, maybe, beyond it. We who have lost will never forget.

Sent by Bruce | 6:27 PM ET | 03-19-2008

Leroy, it is evening now. And a very windy, stormy one at that. I have followed the messages(off and on) since
morning and I understand where you are coming from. Do keep those little bits and pieces of your life as you pass through it. What is emerging seems to be a very thoughtful and insightful Leroy. That has got to be good, Friend. Now - Goodnight, sleep well and look forward to tomorrow.

Sent by J C R | 7:57 PM ET | 03-19-2008

Leroy,
I've been reading everyday. I leave too early in the morning for your post so I catch up at night. I'm still here, still reading, still sending you and Laurie positive vibes. I'll let you in on a little secret...Our rooms are never the same.

All my best!

Michael

Sent by Michael (Caregiver Survivor) Chicago | 11:43 PM ET | 03-19-2008

Leroy,
I love reading your posts. You have some cancer artifacts that I wish no one needed. Your body may not be working like it used to but your brain seems in tip top shape. You are so reasonable and accepting and so very well written. You are a blessing to so many of us. I wonder if you realize that? I pray for your blessings.

Sent by Jennifer in CA | 1:18 AM ET | 03-20-2008

AHHH the little breathing thing...its real name is Incentive Spirometer. I cringe every time I see one of our Resp. Techs bring one into a room for a surgery patient. I hated that thing...especially @ 3 am...with freshly removed breast! whew....the memories of last year......

liz z

Sent by liz Zimmerman | 4:08 PM ET | 03-20-2008

Leroy, My prayers are with you. I hope that radiation whips butt on that cancer. Thank you for sharing such private things with all of us who have never had the fortune to meet you in person. You Rock!!!!!

Sent by Kathie Scott | 1:02 AM ET | 03-21-2008

I just read you last few posts Leroy. You are a very good writer. Well duh, I guess. It struck me anew how well you describe things: how expressive it is. Wanted you to know that cancer hasn't changed your ability to speak to people about important things. Thanks.

Sent by townie7890 | 11:53 AM ET | 03-21-2008

Dear Leroy,

It's me again, Penny. When I was recovering from cancer treatment ( and now that my husband is in treatment) Ensure and Boost were/ are diet mainstay.
Super shakes are a good idea, mix lots of ice cream and what ever else ( frozen / fresh fruit) and one of these supplements and it's drinkable. Buy the "plus" supplements they help keep the weight on.
Of course you'll also eat anything and everything in sight.
Best as always - and keep your tummy full!
penny

Sent by penny Freppon | 3:31 PM ET | 04-01-2008