And, Leroy, how a person adjusts to and accepts those changes says a lot about his or her dignity, character and courage.

Best Wishes with the exercise program today!

Sent by Marilyn | 8:01 AM ET | 03-12-2008

Good Morning Leroy,
I'm glad you got the placard, because it will help. I think we are all surprised by how our lives can change--I guess it is the beauty and the tragedy of it all. We just have to see the good in the changes, because inevitably, it is there.

Sent by Kathleen, NJ | 8:02 AM ET | 03-12-2008

Dear Leroy,

Nothing wrong with using the aids that are there to help you have a more "normal" life. Don't be ashamed or too proud to use them.

Tomorrow... tomorrow is the day I have waited for since May of last year. I am heading to Hawaii. I had hoped you would be able to get there, have a Mai Tai or 2 with our foursome. I am sorry you will not be there enjoying the sun, water, and my favorite reason to go the whales.

My father has improved, yet seems to be in denial that his age may interfere with what had been a fairly active life until the back problems began. Got him moving, then he did too much. As we age immobility does take a toll, now he has to get a happy medium and consider moderation instead of going gun ho!

I will be traveling with my Laptop.... I'll check the blog during my vacation, just maybe not as often. Stay safe and as well as you all can! I appreciate each and everyone of you of....

Aloha!

Sent by Sue Chap | 8:09 AM ET | 03-12-2008

Oh yes Leroy...I can understand, in some ways, exactly how you feel. We went through this with my dad and it was so difficult for him to overcome.

But in the end he called it..."first class parking"!

So just think of it that way, it's your "first class parking"!

Keep your head up and keep positive!!!!

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Cristina

Sent by Cristina Gonzalez, Tampa, Florida | 8:10 AM ET | 03-12-2008

As far as I'm concerned, the comments from both Marilyn and Kathleen are right on the mark. It's all about how we maneuver through the obstacles in our path....

Hang in there, Leroy!

Sent by Brenda | 8:20 AM ET | 03-12-2008

Leroy, I agree. So many changes. As you said some big and then also lots of little changes. I agree with Marilyn, how we adjust to those changes says a lot about a person. And I believe too that it takes time to adjust to some of them. You seem to have a pretty good handle on accepting things as they come along. Doesn't mean that you have to love them but at least except and then find ways of dealing with things.

Use that therapy as a challenge to grow. Lets you be in control of your strength again. Try to have a good day Leroy. Our best to Laurie too.

Remembering both of you in prayers.

Sent by dorothy in oregon | 8:28 AM ET | 03-12-2008

That's one helluva way to finally get a good parking spot.

Sent by Nichole in FL | 8:40 AM ET | 03-12-2008

Now that you are ???one of us???, it will be interesting to read your observations on how you are treated by the non-handicapped people in the world.

It has been eye opening for me. I am a relatively young woman (same age as you), so I do get some looks from people that might be considered as sympathy, wonder, curiosity, etc. Not the same looks that a disabled elderly person would get, which I assume would be more like, inevitable, patience, annoyance.

But it???s the actions of non-handicapped people that have most surprised me. Young men and teenage boys are the most considerate and helpful of all. Maybe they see their mother when they look at me. These same young males are often derided for their self-indulgence but I see great promise in them.

Young females and especially, the elderly, are the worst. I can understand the younger females, caught up in the culture of appearance; it???s easier to just avoid acknowledging me. Denial of mortality or weakness is strong with them. And I understand that.

I can always tell a young female who is now a mother. They are very helpful. Doing what comes naturally for them, helping others.

What I don???t understand is, the elderly (usually women). They will walk in front of me to beat me to a door, and then let it slam in my face. Crowd in front of me at counters; take the last seat, etc. The sense of entitlement is strong with the elderly, (???I???ve lived long, so I deserve it???), even at the expense of someone who is obviously younger and more disabled. Maybe it is that their world has shrunk to just coping with their own well-being and they don???t notice me. I can???t tell.

Very small children are the most entertaining. They will stop dead in their tracks to stare and it???s so cute watching their little brains processing what they see. I always smile at them. The wonder of youth.

My observations are not just shooting from the hip. This comes from several years of being disabled and seeing the same thing repeatedly.

I look forward to your ???younger male??? perspective.

Sent by Cindy | 8:50 AM ET | 03-12-2008

Good Morning Leroy! Life does seem to be nothing more than a succession of "changes". Who are we really? What will I be like when I'm grown up? Will I be the Greatest Artist ever? Wait till this world sees what I can do! Oh, I don't care about a career. I want to get married and have three children. oh, look at that poor old lady trying to walk with that walker. I will never be like that, I will not allow it! Oh, how old Mama looks. I can't imagine life without her. And on & on ~ Now look at me. I am now the age Mom was when she died. I have had (HAD?) cancer, lost my only child, and am the proud owner of a "Handicapped placard"
Yet, life continues to go on, for now. Aches, pains, pills & wrinkles.
Thank you for sharing your Physical (& mental) Therapy with us. Really gets you thinking!
Reminds me of an old Bill Cosby skit where he compares Life to an assembly line. You go along on the track in the factory while they add this part, take away that, fix this, repair that, then you finally come to the end of the assembly line and one by one, drop off the line into a large, cardboard box at the end marked "DONE".

Sent by J C R | 8:55 AM ET | 03-12-2008

Ditto Nichole. I saw it as one of the few advantages of having the beast on my back, I only had to carry him a short distance.

Sent by Shirley in SC | 9:02 AM ET | 03-12-2008

Everything except your will Leroy.

God Bless you!

Judy

Sent by Judy Voller | 9:06 AM ET | 03-12-2008

I can see why having that placard kind of seems like it is a label for yourself. But really, it's just a way to get a good parking spot! YOU are much much more than that label. Walk on, Leroy!

Sent by N.R. | 9:14 AM ET | 03-12-2008

I remember that after I'd had my first BIG surgery for breast cancer, I was really disabled for over a year. I had difficulty walking any distance, and my endurance was shot to hell. When I was again able to get out, and do some food shopping, I had to use one of the electric carts to get around the store. I felt invisible (it amazed me how people would act as though I wasn't there, and just walk in my way, or fail to move aside for me) and conspicuous at the same time. I wasn't even 50 yet, and it seemed so bizarre to need help just to get around a store. I just decided that it was the lesser of two evils. Use the cart, or don't get food. I got handicapped plates, too. (I didn't bother with the placard, just went right for the plates) I like the idea of first class parking. I understand your surprise though. We never think that this kind of thing will happen to us.

Sent by Nancy K. Clark | 9:17 AM ET | 03-12-2008

Dear Leroy,

I say rejoice in your handicapped placard! I resisted getting one for a long time, I was only in my forties, but my husband insisted. The first time we used it, we snagged a primo parking space in the middle of a lovely resort town on the shore of Lake Michigan. As a result, I got to do a little shopping and have a nice meal in a local restaurant.

Yes, it was another of those little things that remind us of our plight, but, as usual, good things can come of it, and I'm sure you will find this to be true also. I'm sorry for your recent bad news, but I know you will make the best of it, and in the end, help us make the best of it too!

Love to you and Laurie,
Karen K.

Sent by Karen K | 9:24 AM ET | 03-12-2008

The Changes. Yes. Inherently we adjust, yet we still look back and think about how things "were". Cancer re-writes the whole way we think about things. It determines our thoughts for the future, whether we like it or not. IN your case, you seem to always see the best. And you inspire us.
Good lucky with your therapy. And that was very funny......what a great way to get a good parking place (Nicole in FL).
Prayers, Love, and May The Grace of God
Be With You.
Wanda Amorose

Sent by Wanda Amorose | 9:33 AM ET | 03-12-2008

Look at it as a badge of honor. It will make your life so much easier.

Your challenge is to get to a point where you don't have to use it anymore!

Sent by Ronni | 9:36 AM ET | 03-12-2008

Leroy, you got us going on this subject...when I got my 1st placard last year (after 7 years with disease), I used it only to get parking close to my urban cancer center, only in big cities. As my chemo changed 3 times, I gradually had days when I would use the placard regularly. My own sense of entitlement was slow to come. Yesterday, I did not use the spot at the grocery store, as I saw someone else maneuvering slowly in that direction. This elder did her shopping and sat on her folding stool in the check out line. She declined help, got herself out to the car and in. Her stool stayed in the cart, which needed to be moved so she could back out...I was more able just then, able to observe and help.

I don't mind this teacher I've received.

Sent by Joan S. | 10:15 AM ET | 03-12-2008

I like Cristina's dad calling it first class parking. My parents had one for my dad and now for mom. It's a big comfort for her & the family knowing we don't have to be further inconvenienced searching for a close parking space. Illness is enough of a hindrence.

Acceptance of help along the way, acceptance of unwanted change, dealing with all this cancer causing "issues" is trying to say the least. Our mother was diagnosed with lung cancer in December and now, my older brother age 54, was just diagnosed with prostate cancer. Accepting all this is definately going to take more time.

Leroy, P.T. can help loads. I also heard a daily massage can improve healing and pain, see April Reader's Digest page 47.

Sent by Marge from Texas | 10:18 AM ET | 03-12-2008

It does, Leroy. As does the natural aging process. Because I read your blog daily, I find I complain less about my aching knees, and diminishing eyesight. What this all boils down to is good health. If you don't have that, the rest is all diddly-squat. As always, you're in my prayers.

Sent by Sharon | 10:19 AM ET | 03-12-2008

Periodically I still wonder, could this really be me? What in the heck happened here? Hey, hold on, it hurts. Stop it...stop hurting. Then I say, "oh well, here's life again, just deal with it."

Sent by Laurel M. Jones | 10:51 AM ET | 03-12-2008

I'm 38 years old and I just found out that I have osteoporosis on my spine and osteopenia in my femur etc... I didnt' think i'd be thinking about that at my age. My grandmother doesnt even have it. I guess its due to all the heavy doses of chemo last year. It IS an adjustment to learn how to live with things we'd never thought we'd live with. At least you should never have to worry about a parking space, thats something right?
:)

Sent by Jenn | 10:57 AM ET | 03-12-2008

You are a special stranger/friend.
Thanks for sharing your life.
Fondly, Theresa

Sent by Theresa Murphy | 10:58 AM ET | 03-12-2008

Well -- not everything. It doesn't change the core Leroy inside.

For me,the past few years have brought some changes that are due to cancer or its treatment along with others that are due to aging (arthritis, bursitis, sciatica, fuzzyheadedness, etc.). Mostly, the changes have come gradually, giving me time to get used to them. But every now and then, something startles me like that parking placard did you. Last week I was sitting on the floor playing with a neighbor's baby. Then I decided I'd stand up with her in my arms -- and was stunned to find it impossible!Maybe laughter is the best response to such indignities as creaky knees and handicapped parking placards?

Sent by Doris | 11:18 AM ET | 03-12-2008

Leroy,

All of us who are moving through life are changing - even if we aren't forced to notice it in the nasty way cancer makes us notice.

I'm so sorry you are getting slapped around on the journey of life. Thank you again for showing the rest of us a way to deal with the monsters that may be out there waiting for us.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 11:54 AM ET | 03-12-2008

That card will be your "best friend" at times Leroy. Just don't get to use to it because we are all looking forward to the day you feel like walking across the parking lot again. God Bless my friend.

Sent by Teresa in WV | 11:58 AM ET | 03-12-2008

It is indeed the little things by which we note changes in our lives: that 1st. driver's license and first passport, all the odd licenses to practice what ever we were trained to do or the papers that allowed us to marry people or buy houses.

The papers that I most remember? An invitation to AARP (well before I thought I was old enough); a handicapped placard that saved me time and energy I didn't have; and (omg) a card entitling me to Medicare.

Life IS good...sometimes tedious and painful, and I have the paperwork to prove it.

Peggy

Sent by Peggy | 12:14 PM ET | 03-12-2008

Yes, it is shocking how much this disease changes everything. You are handling all of this with such dignity and grace. As my Italian friends would say "Bravo."

You now have Rockstar parking!

Sent by Jennifer in CA | 12:17 PM ET | 03-12-2008

Hi Leroy,
I can't tell you the joy I felt to read
your blog today ! I've been away for a few weeks w/o my computer. ( won't happen again) Your Laurie was writing last I read. You and yours are always in my prayers and those of family across the USA. Thankyou for your words. They inspire, comfort and validate I'm surre millions. I pray each day for your success, healing comfort and peace. God Bless

Sent by Kathy Willett | 12:32 PM ET | 03-12-2008

Even if one becomes NED(no evidence of disease), if one's cancer is at stage IV of an incurable type of cancer, the question isn't: will it come back, but when will it come back.So, one's status and even identity are murky.
I went to PT on Monday for the range of motion problem I have had with my shoulder since my neck dissection.The nerve that isn't cooperating MAY come back. Yuk!...
I called for a car insurance quote, yesterday, and the person wanted to know if I used my car for work, school or pleasure. I explained that I am on disability because I'm a cancer patient, but I wouldn't consider driving to appointments to be "pleasure"!!!
I can't think of myself as "disabled", not me. I am strong, active, independent....
Kind of unnerving to say the least, huh? Humor doesn't always help, but... I bet everyone will be envious of your choice parking spaces!

Sent by NancyGM | 12:57 PM ET | 03-12-2008

We all face the aging process, if we live long enough. I was loading and unloading concrete blocks out of my truck yesterday, and was surprised I had trouble with it after a while.

This, I chalk up to aging.

I know the blue placard is a significant reminder, but it may not be a permanent one.

Good luck to you with this latest challenge.

Sent by Scott S. | 12:58 PM ET | 03-12-2008

Leroy- it wasn't very long ago that I was afraid to look at your blog, fearing the worst. You've had some very dark days -now you can enjoy the sunshine as your exit your car from your special parking spot.Don't forget you're making progress.

Sent by linda h. | 12:58 PM ET | 03-12-2008

Leroy, IT IS DIFFERENT - but the fact that you CAN get out and go - even with that constant reminder - is a good thing. Take care and G-d bless you - much love and prayers always.

Jan

Sent by Janice Goldberg White | 1:37 PM ET | 03-12-2008

Leroy, Adjusting to Cancer is no small feat. The disease changes everything. I don't dream about the future anymore. It takes away your ability to look forward. Those questions always come up, How long do I have, etc. So to you I say, Hang in there Big Man, work your strength program, it will come back. We can only fight, try to take back our lives, that is all we can do. When it is all said and done the disease may win, or we may win, no one knows, not even the Docs. All the Best. Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 1:39 PM ET | 03-12-2008

Leroy, I understand how you feel.

Sent by Ruth White | 3:36 PM ET | 03-12-2008

Leroy,
Those words really hit home....I never expected to be in this situation. I have been a physical therapist for 30 years and I have treated and hopefully helped many cancer patients. I was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer last year. I have gained lots of new insight. In some ways I am a better PT but who knows for how long??? I never expected to be in this situation.
Thanks for the therapy perspective,

Mary Cannon

Sent by Mary Cannon | 4:59 PM ET | 03-12-2008

Hi Leroy,

I like that...First Class Parking. The big thing is you are out of the hospital, regaining your strength and looking for the new normal. Your basic core is strong and is staying that way.
We are all with you. I think every person with any kind of disability who gets out there and says I can still live my life and function is an example to everyone else who lives without that disability how to conduct oneself, for the best quality of life. You go Leroy!

Sent by Marcy in NJ | 5:03 PM ET | 03-12-2008

Geez, I had no hesitancy getting and using a placard while undergoing chemo treatments and afterwards handling the fatigue. Leroy, you deserve the help of the few extra steps the placard brings you!

Sent by Dorothy - Los Angeles | 5:17 PM ET | 03-12-2008

Dear Leroy,
I haven't written in a while, but just wanted to say I still think about the challenges that you are going through and am always wishing you the best.

Sent by Beth S. | 5:53 PM ET | 03-12-2008

Again, I'm moved by your essential integrity as I read your remarks today. There is so much grace in you Leroy! This too is a kind of strength, only better.

Sent by Sarah | 6:32 PM ET | 03-12-2008

JCR, your citation of Bill Cosby's assembly line of life triggered a memory of a Robin Williams line I've long loved: "Death is Nature's way of saying, 'Your table is ready!'" We will all be welcomed at the feast one day. I liked the way Robin Williams framed that eventuality with a certain graciousness and invitation....

Sent by Sarah | 6:41 PM ET | 03-12-2008

Handicap parking has nothing to do with age...it is "logical" to utilize whatever is available to assist in the "new normal" process. I agree with what everyone has said today -- enjoy being "in the front row"...Bob Ucker (?sp) would love it!

Sent by Jo Ann Baswell | 6:47 PM ET | 03-12-2008

My continuing prayers are with you. You do have a tough row to hoe. The nurses might forget to tell you, but you can take the OTC stuff every two hours (just vary it -- don't take the same stuff in a row)and, as I think you did note, in lots higher doses than what's written on the bottles. Hope you're able to sleep some -- it's a big healer. Good for mental health, too. You can "rassel" those demons at night and wake up feeling pretty sane.

Sent by Victoria Ferreira | 8:21 PM ET | 03-12-2008

"Chalk it up to aging" noted by someone here...so true. We seem brought up to avoid thinking aging and chronic disease or disability. Yet it happens to just about all of us sooner or later. I've come to depend on that card to let you and your spouse do more rather then less. Being disabled is a fact not a shame and I appreciate the assistance in going about my business. Over time you really do get used to it. Friends are jealous of the great parking but we'd all trade it in for good health anytime. Embrace it and accept it for what it is...a tool to make it easier for you. Thanks to those who realized it was needed.

Sent by Rich | 8:38 PM ET | 03-12-2008

Leroy,

That's one of the perks. At least I try to think of it that way. I think you wrote about this before. I have cancer, shouldn't I be able to cut to the front of the line?? Well, at least you can park close so use and abuse all those perks. Do it for yourself and for the rest of us waiting for our "C" card we can waive in front of anyone. "Do you know how fast you were going??? Oh, excuse me, didn't see the "C" card there. Have a nice day"

I think we should be able to use our "C" card to excuse us from social security taxes, income taxes, movie lines, restaurant lines, parking tickets, speeding tickets and we should win every raffle we enter. (excuse me, my life is short, I can't afford to wait in this line)

Of course remission should not be a valid reason to take our "C" card away ;-)

Sent by Karen D. | 9:15 PM ET | 03-12-2008

Leroy... I was given the placard in 2001 after radiation and treatment. They thought I had had a stroke after radiation and I was having problems on right side. However they said after checking things out no stroke. I ended up in pt. and my Onoc who knew I was having fatigue issues. Said you may be helped with this. I took getting that placard as a hand up not a hand out. I did get better. However there are days that the fatigue really gets me some days still.
Recently I ended up again in Pt for a fractured ankle..due to osteo prosis due to treatment. I had an old fracture that had healed and a new one. So after it healed we were on our way to do the Pt. Learning to walk again. My ligaments were pretty messed up and 18 weeks later . I was doing better. It 8 months later and I am up walking a few issues but doing a lot better minus the walker and cane. I was irritated having to use that placard again. But then I thought you know what..I went through hell to get it and I have problems that warrant it. In other ways I have so many *abilities!* ( I still can't spell worth a dam LOL).
I do agree I am looking for the best quality of life out there. If that helps me to have it then so be it. If it saves me a few steps on a tough day. Then it works for me.
Its a change but one to help us move forward and puts us back in control. Although I know we have to wrap our heads around and adjust to that thing hanging up there.
I got a feeling your strengths will kick in and you will adjust.
I am glad to hear your doing better.
I have kinda been reading in the back ground lately.
Take care of you..

Sent by Kerry in Michigan | 10:21 PM ET | 03-12-2008

With all you have been through, I am amazed that this is the first time you have used a parking placard.
Best wishes with all your new exercises!

Sent by Judith Newkirk | 11:02 PM ET | 03-12-2008

Yes I am a lurker in the background reading as I deal with my own battles. Often I find I can 'identify' with much of your situation, others I know the time is coming. I intend to post once every 3 months - just because it proves I'm still alive.

So now I'm going to say something that may surprise you. You are So Lucky!! With so many friends and family to support you, with the excellent care, with the options for therapy that most don't have. And no - I'm not whining. ^_~

The blue placard - everyone will want to drive you places so they can take advantage of your ability to park closer. :p

As to other things - don't be sad but be grateful you've access to all the options. That your life has meant enough to others to give you more chances than many - and that despite your pain and frustration.... you are still here to talk about it. When you ask Why?....... also ask Why Not? It's in perspective.

First - I have a very aggressive cancer that isn't. Neuroendocrine Carcinoma, SCT - lung primary, brain met. Not much they can do for me. Craniotomy, Stereotactic for brain tumors - nothing for lung - surgery won't help. Lymph nodes now showing signs of being 'enlarged'. RFA is best - but not an option with my state handled insurance. PDA - also not an option. My stubborn streak refuses to give in, and the doctors don't want to weaken me more by giving me chemo or full radiation. And yes - I Chose Not to have WBRT. Quality over quantity.

Celebrate your blue placard - it means you can go places. And while others cruise the parking lot - you get one of the good spots.

Heh - 9 months ago they gave me 3 months to live. To celebrate we went to the nearest large city (live in a rural area) and stuck my placard up while my daughter picked the spot right besided the tattoo parlor. Yep........ got a new one on my left shoulder, that I designed, to celebrate. And in another 3 months - may get another on my - well, gotta give doctors something to admire. ^_~

Besides - a tattoo is nothing after you've gone through surgery and all those flippin IV's.

**HUGS** Celebrate your freedom from the hospital - and take every perk the idiot disease Cancer allows you.

Funny though - over 50% of the population in my area has cancer - and quite a few have brain cancer. So - I am just a part of the majority here. ^_~

Sent by Linda | 1:09 AM ET | 03-13-2008

Re your radiation pain, Leroy:

The docs usually say that there is no reaction to radiation. This was true for me the first time, given a big dose for prostate cancer. Like you, I got a metastasis to the spine, and eventually (8 years later), went back for more radiation to that particular region. In 1 day, had a huge reaction with convulsive spasms in the irradiated region.
Had to go to the ER to get through the night.
Had to go on a narcotic patch to get through the week.
Added radiation treatments didn't give the same
effect. After a month, I went cold turkey on the narcotics to see what was happening, and to avoid
addiction and side effects. There was little remnant
pain and now the radiation is clearly (PSA) reducing
the tumor it was applied to. Not a permanent fix,
but worth the initial difficulty.

May you fare as well...we have had parallel journeys, even including the arrival of the blue card!

Best, Don

Sent by Donald Coyne | 1:46 PM ET | 03-25-2008