Leroy,
I think it is just a coping mechanism, to handle each hurdle as something to check off on a "to-do" list. Sometimes when we put too much emotion into it, it makes it a little harder to focus on the work to be done. We can all be excited for you...and when you decide to have a party, we'll still be here.

Sent by Kathleen, NJ | 7:43 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Thank you, Leroy, for being so real. Your honesty is part of what makes your blog so important to your readers. of course we want the best for you, but we also want to know the truth and share your experiences. It can't be easy to share such difficult times. Thank you for being so generous!
We all love you a lot!
RS in St. John

Sent by R Speer | 7:48 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Leroy, we will celebrate each step with you, no matter how big or small. Keep up the GREAT WORK !!!!
Gentle Healing Thoughts and Prayers are with you Every Day !!!!

Sent by Vickie Brown | 7:49 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Leroy, you do the work, we'll be excited. Fair?

Sent by Sue in Rochester | 7:51 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Dear Leroy,
Today I accompany my husband for his chemo treatment. It has been two years this month since his diagnosis and he has had one six week break from chemo. Each scan comes back worse than the previous. I never anticipate good news because we always receive bad news. Like you, my husband is a fighter. He wants to continue with chemo despite what side effects may occur. But, I know there will come a time when quality will vs quantity. When does he stop pushing....................? It hurts so much to see him suffer.

Sent by Sasha | 7:53 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Don't be down on yourself about how YOU choose to "celebrate"! It is difficult, much more difficult than most might ever know, to go endure what you are going through and still stay as positive as you are.

I think that you don't have to jump up or down for us to know how excited you are about your daily accomplishments. And I think you are much more excited than you think, I can read it in your blog.

You transmit that excitement to us all through your daily accomplishments.

KEEP IT UP LEROY!!!! CHEERING FOR YOU!!!!

KEEP YOUR HEAD UP HIGH!!!!

And as my dad use to say..."I am a fighter!" And YOU too Leroy, fight, fight, fight! :)

Cristina

Sent by Cristina Gonzalez, Tampa, Florida | 7:53 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Leroy, coming up on my first-year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis, I too find that I am much more "business-like" about my approach to the situation and my steps to survive. I think that even if one receives good or encouraging news, it's hard to "jump up and down" because one never knows what is around the corner! Will it come back? Has it spread? The disappointments tend to outweigh the positives at times. (Not ALL the time). I tell people now that it is my other full-time job, living and managing with cancer. I wish I got paid for it!!!!! Thinking and praying for you always.

Sent by Becky | 8:03 AM ET | 03-05-2008

I have metastaic breast cancer & I feel the same way. I just got great CT scan results yesterday and I know my battle is not over. Its good today but what will my next scan in 3 months bring? Living my life in 3 month intervals is not good enough for me. I have work to do too. Unfortunately I don't see any retirement ahead. I want to jump up and down so if you figure out how to do it let me know.

Sent by Cathy G | 8:04 AM ET | 03-05-2008

I understand keeping your eyes on the prize. I know you take a moment from time to time to review your successes and that is all that counts not really if you "jump up down". You know you are making progress and keep working towards what needs to happen to be mobile again. Keep on truckin'

Sent by Dona | 8:20 AM ET | 03-05-2008

When my husband has been in a recovery mode like you're in right now, he's had to bear down, focus, and stay in the zone in order to make it through. Getting excited at each step is a distraction he can't allow himself. Maybe that's part of it? Whatever the reason, we are all thrilled to see your progress and when you're ready to indulge in a little victory dance, we'll still be here to celebrate with you....

Sent by Brenda | 8:28 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Your reaction is so typical of a successful man..you can't relax yet, as you're thinking "I've got to get busy on "X" and then get to "Y" so that I can get "Z" taken care of! No savoring the accomplishments until the task is complete! Oh yeah, I have a Super A type hubby that does this...and he DOES accomplish what he set out to do, as will you. Best wishes as you take on this "project"!

Sent by Susan | 8:37 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Leroy, I think that you are so Goal Oriented that you cannot celebrate each small gain, but are keeping "your eyes on the prize". And I guess the elusive "prize" msy be the ability to continue feeling, progressing, staying in the race, remaining one of Life's contestents. Hey, no finish line - please. You mention the "long road you have in front of you". Well keep traveling it and striving but do you really want to reach the end? Think what you are learning about yourself along the way. Thank you for sharing it all with us!

Sent by J C R | 8:40 AM ET | 03-05-2008

You sound more like your old self this morning, you must be feeling at least a little better today. Keep up the good work!

Sent by joan beth smith | 8:46 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Wow. Do I ever know exactly what you mean. With each of my hurdles, and subsequent comebacks, I've felt more punished than victorious. And the applause from friends and family is just noise that reminds me I have cancer. Realizing that the best thing that will happen for you today is that you will make it to the bathroom without having an accident isn't really anything like joy. But bless the people who celebrate the passage of each milestone, and who stay strong for us when we can't be strong for ourselves. And know that they're being strong for themselves as well. How else could they watch us go through this without falling apart? Like it or not, many of us have come to feel quite connected to you and invested in your struggles, successes, and outcomes. So you go right on feeling ambivalent, and we'll go right on clapping.

Sent by Ellen in North Carolina | 8:54 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Hi Leroy!

Well, for me, I know that I am my biggest critic and it is hard for me to accept compliments or see accomplishments for what they are.

Also, perhaps naturally, you set an even higher bar for yourself - taking long hikes, going back to work, whatever your personal goals may be - and you are a realist enough to realize that there are still significant accomplishments between now and that long hike in the woods.

We don't see your daily strife. Our job is as the "Cyber support team". Our job is to help you stay positive, on task and to give you a daily reminder that you are cared for. Tons of people read this blog every day and you are an inspiration to many others in a similar predicament, their caretakers and people like me who are currently in a "none-of-the-above" category.

Keep up the hard work! Way to go!

Sent by Liz L. | 8:56 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Leroy, I think as we go along as you have and have been through so many ups and downs it is a little harder to get that real excitement back in full force. But just remember "one day at a time". Sometimes after going through such a hurdle I think all of us emotionally have to really reach up. We are all still here lifting upwards!!!

Sent by dorothy in oregon | 9:11 AM ET | 03-05-2008

No thanks are necessary, Leroy. You touch us all with your journey and we are genuinely thrilled for every victory, however small or large. Stay strong, and thank YOU!

Sent by Jen McGeorge - Boston | 9:12 AM ET | 03-05-2008

So, you're not a jump up and down sort of guy. That's ok, REALLY. You are noticing that with each day there is improvement. So, you are being calm about your accomplishments. That's fine.

My 90 yr old dad, has had back pain for about 1 1/2 weeks. It takes a lot to get that man to see the doctor. If fact just before his 90th, the doctor called and said,"Don't you think it is time you come in to see us?" Since then....Well a trip to the ER yesterday and EVERYONE knows how much YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO GO THERE. Hours because of triage, and flu, and accidents, and cardiac events... A pain shot later (Dilaudid, big guns for a 90 yr old.) he earned his get out of jail card. The pain was a 7-9. This morning, I think, he expected a instant permanent fix to the pain and no pain.... He is rates it at a 3-4. For me that IS improvement. Do I expect him to jump up and down. NO. In fact, I won't either, I am too tired today.

2 years ago, my sister had the problems as our trip to Hawaii approached. This year, it is my beau's mom and and my dad. Do you think, that maybe someone doesn't want us to go to Hawaii in 8 days (and hoping)?

We'll do your celebrating Leroy, don't undo the good, REALLY! Isn't that what the LA (Leroy's army) is for???

Sent by Sue Chap | 9:13 AM ET | 03-05-2008

You've got work to do. Excitement could reduce the energy you need to do that work. Keep up the positive progress, allow yourself small celebrations that don't leave you drained.

Sent by Jack B. | 9:14 AM ET | 03-05-2008

When I finished treatment, everyone congratulated me and wanted to celebrate. I didn't feel like celebrating, I just wanted my life back. All feelings are fair game in the cancer world!

Sent by C. Eckert | 9:18 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Leroy,
It is a commitment. So much work to be done...and who jumps for joy over commitments. Something like writing that final exam....thinking "oh boy, will I ever celebrate when it is over"...only to feel a certain let-down.
Never a dull moment. No time to rest just continue striving. It keeps us going. And you have proven to be able to do that, no matter what or how you feel.
Prayers, Blessings and May the Grace of God be With You.
Wanda Amorose

Sent by Wanda Amorose | 9:29 AM ET | 03-05-2008

I think your reactions are totally normal and don't question it. Do the work and make progress and keep your level head. I can imagine that you would be more excited if someone said you would be 100% again and that the cancer is gone forever. Anything after that seems less exciting. Not only that but too much excitement always leads to a letdown. YOu are totally on track.

We will keep cheering whether you do or not!

xo

Sent by Lori | 9:31 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Leroy,
Any reaction seems right to me. Emotions are weird, and as my mother's surgeon says, cancer is weird. I'm just amazed and inspired that you keep going, keep trying and fighting. Thank you for sharing your spirit with us.
All best,
Jan

Sent by Jan Hardy | 9:32 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Frankly, after what happened last time, I could imagine you with a bit of the "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling. You thought that glue in the spine would fix things, and instead you got excruiating pain, a very slow recovery, and infection, and then ANOTHER surgery. No wonder you are not excited. This is a road you have been on before. A different outcome this time, but the same road, startd out with high hopes.

If you are willing to share though, I would love to know about the pain levels you are experiencing now. After your last surgery, it seemed as if pain was ruling your life. I am not getting that impression now although I get the feeling it is still a factor.

FWIW, in this recovery, I imagine you were happiest when you got the big independance stuff under your belt (being able to handle bathroom things solo), the rest of this is incremental, good, but slowly, slowly, incremental. Not "happy dance" levels of improvements. Although when you feel capable of a happy dance, we will be delighted to join you.

Sent by Robin L. Fairfax VA | 9:34 AM ET | 03-05-2008

We will celebrate for you. Your celebrate soon enough. Everyday is just a step at a time.
With care.

Sent by anne lumberger | 9:35 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Leroy,

The focus you need for your healing and working through building strength may preclude you from being excited at times. The work you are doing is hard work and the feelings you have (or don't have) about it are yours to own.

Received this in my email today:

http://www.dailyom.com/cgi-bin/display/printerfriendly.cgi?articleid=12644

Just be as you are. May you know it's okay.

Kindest regards

Sent by Elaine | 9:36 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Hi Leroy,

You chose the term "small victory." That in itself is its own modest celebration. If taking your daily successes with a small pat on the back, and then moving right on to the next day's goal is your method...you are to be congratulated for capitalizing on what works best for you. I say, Bravo for keeping your eye on the prize.

Sent by Sheara | 9:37 AM ET | 03-05-2008

I am the spouse of a survivor. People would think of me as being cold or not caring. It was neither of those things, it was how I have had to cope. I get on with things, continue to live, go to work, and then cry in private, or rejoice in private. Not everyone lives their lives with their hearts on their sleeves, doesn't mean they don't have one.

Sent by Di | 9:39 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Leroy I think it's called survivor mode - we all know that we just have to put one foot in front of the other, take each day and issue as it comes. Although we celebrate our life, we are too smart and too knowledgeable about our fight to celebrate a victory too soon! Today, just try to quietly smile and feel the pat on your back from all of us - for your tenancity, courage and strength......we're still here cheering!

Sent by Ruth Chermok | 9:41 AM ET | 03-05-2008

I can certainly relate to your comments! I feel more in control and less emotional if I keep my reactions "more businesslike". It is, in my opinion, a defense mechanism that works for me too. My oncologist uses the phrase "cautiously optimistic" often. Keep setting and meeting those goals, and we will continue to be very excited for you!

Sent by Susie R. from Col, OH | 9:45 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Leroy, when we suffer any major loss we go through steps of grieving. Kubler-Ross wrote about them: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Just because we reach "acceptance" doesn't mean we give up...it just means we have exhausted all of that emotional energy, both positive and negative, that go into all the steps before hand. There can be a calm with acceptance that frees you to use the energy for something else...whether that's healing or enjoying each day. You still fight, work, progress...but all the emotions that go alone with it have been felt. It's ok to be emotionally at rest, no seeking extremes on either end.
As I read in another comment, you heal, we'll be excited.

Sent by Sandra Li | 9:47 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Leory,
I think your feelings right now are "normal". You know how long the road is and how much work it takes to move ahead. Just keep on doing what you are doing and we will continue to pray and cheer you on.
Charlotte in Rural Ridge, PA

Sent by Charlotte Kewish | 9:50 AM ET | 03-05-2008

I just discovered your blog, Leroy, when I was googling information on cancer. I was recently diagnosed with non-small cell lung cancer. I go in to talk to my oncologist today. My fight is just beginning. The anger is unbelievable.

Sent by Cheryl | 9:54 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Leroy,
If your life is anything like ours is now, there really is no "jumping up and down" to celebrate. There is more of a quiet plateau of brief calmness.
The reality is, cancer for so many means- there is no going back (to the way we were), we just try to keep moving ahead (the way things are).
Each day is different. Some are good days, some not so good. We're happy for the good days and hope that there are many. I guess that sounds grim, but it isn't. It's our reality.
I'm happy for your good days!!

Sent by Deb | 9:57 AM ET | 03-05-2008

NO JUMPING !!!! Just one hurdle at a time. AND keep on Truckin'.. xox dee

Sent by dee | 9:57 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Okay then Leroy, you stay focused and I'll have the cupcake in your honor. "It takes what it takes."

Sent by glenda | 9:59 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Hi Leroy, After what you have been through, a great deal of physical and emotional healing needs to take place before excitement can come back. It is an arduous path, and with progress and time, you will again feel like yourself. Hang in!

Sent by Linda | 10:06 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Last night on The Biggest Loser Couples, the competitors (including a couple who were afraid of heights) had to repel across a HUGE ravine and knock flags off a wire. The ones that did the best refused to look down, they just focused on getting to the next flag and then the next. Your comments today immediately made me thing of this. I guess your life has prepared you and honed your instincts perfectly for this journey. You seem to be right on track not getting too excited and just focusing on the next flag. Keep trusting your instincts - they haven't let you down yet. I just sent my daily blessing wishes to you and Laurie..in a nutshell it is "HEAL - STRENGTHEN - INSPIRE!" All things you do very well!

Sent by Nichole in FL | 10:08 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Leroy: The fact that you wake up on any given day is a blessing. If it not be the cancer beast, it could be one of the many other beasts that take our loved ones away. One second at a time, one minute, one hour, one day..........as long as you are still alive....celebrate!! Blessings,

Sent by Joanie | 10:09 AM ET | 03-05-2008

You are healing now, soon you will feel good enough to celebrate. Good luck with everthing.

Sent by Colin R. Ferriman | 10:09 AM ET | 03-05-2008

I hear you, big guy. When I try to put myself in your shoes, I can only imagine that it would be frustrating to be in the position of having to consider accomplishing the normal things I used to do effortlessly as victories. Thank you for being real and not faking positivity when you're feeling frustrated or that your patience is wearing thin. All I ask is that you don't deny yourself the credit you deserve. Considering the hell your body has been through, you have made major strides and you deserve to be proud of that. Your determination is evident and we are all so proud of you.
With love, liz

Sent by liz h | 10:26 AM ET | 03-05-2008

From my own experience going through tough times, when you are working really hard to figuratively speaking (or literally speaking in your case) to put one foot in front of the other, that consumes all your energy. Looking at the big picture or the possible goals down the road takes too much energy away from the heavy work of one foot in front of the other.

Hang in there! No need to be anything for anyone. Just take care of you.

Sent by Janet | 10:29 AM ET | 03-05-2008

In some crazy way, I think I understand what you're saying about being business-like, and not jumping up and down. I, like some of the others who are commenting today, am coming up on my first year anniversary of hearing my name and cancer in the same sentence. You just do keep putting one foot in front of the other, dealing with treatment and life in equal doses. Feel like a plodder sometimes, but maybe being a plodder is not so bad. We may be slow, methodical, and not very pretty, but we get there! I will jump for you and your successes! Say a prayer for mine.

Sent by Kate | 10:31 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Just tell us how you're doing, Leroy. We listen and we pray. May I add a comment to Ellen in North Carolina? You're comments today were so elloquent. It never ceases to amaze me when people who are being challenged to the extreme as you and Leroy are, can still make those around them feel like heroes in their battle. Bless you both.

Sent by Sharon | 10:42 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Joe used to say 'What choice do I have'. It was an honor to go the journey with him.

Sent by Irene | 10:49 AM ET | 03-05-2008

I couldn't have expressed the situation any better than Ellen in NC has. We know that you're working hard, and doing your best, and we'll still be here saying prayers and admiring your stick-to-it-iveness. Be well.

Sent by Nancy K. Clark | 10:52 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Leroy,

I think I understand the dissonance between "keep plugging" and "jump and down excited." We can't really be there for you if we aren't in the same place you are. The truth is your situation is still grave and the outcome not all that certain. So, with each day's gain, I believe all of us can share feeling good about that.I think all of us do - however we express it.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 10:53 AM ET | 03-05-2008

getting excited uses energy. conserving is good. you'll have more for later.

Sent by mary | 10:56 AM ET | 03-05-2008

keep "playing it as it lays" Leroy, without apology to anyone for your getting down to business approach. You do note the gains you feel significant, and you keep moving. We're doing enough jumping up and down in your honor. You do this your way -- every step of the way. That is part of your great heart and integrity.

Sent by Sarah | 11:05 AM ET | 03-05-2008

I think you answered your own (rhetorical) question

You are focused AHEAD and not "behind".. you are looking forward.. on the the next accomplishment, goal, objective and not standing around evaluating and celebrating each goal accomplished.

I am very much the same way in pretty much every aspect of my life.

Keep looking and moving FORWARD and not backwards Leroy!

Sent by Ron Bye (NH) | 11:07 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Leroy I started to read your blog honestly out of curiosity. I am fortunate to have no personal experience with illness, and my family and friends are well. Today I have given thought to why I continue to read your blog daily. It is to celebrate a remarkable man who is willing to share of himself in good times and bad. Stay focused on your goals and I, like many others, will be a small part of your cheering section! Thank you for teaching me about bravery, strength, focus and will. Here is to better days to come. Best wishes!

Sent by Robin Solomon | 11:08 AM ET | 03-05-2008

We tend to be harder on ourselves, so maybe when we celebrate with you, we're also celebrating those little victories of our own that we couldn't take time to recognize before. My most recent hurdle was recovering from a sudden hip replacement to eliminate a tumor. Friends were enthusiastically awed when I was climbed a flight of stairs at home two days after surgery. To them it may have seemed a heroic effort, but really I just had to use the bathroom. This cancer has taken a lot away from you, yet you still have the focus and determination to take some of it back. You will receive our positive vibes everyday, Leroy - whether that day includes victories big, small, or none at all.

Sent by Patte Lazarus | 11:10 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Sometimes it is hard to celebrate the small vcitories or even large ones! After some of my surgeries, others were so happy, excited and pleased that there was no evidence of cancer elsewhere. It was difficult to "celebrate" even though I had much to be thankful for. Deep inside the little voice said "It may be gone now but it can always return and usually does so with a vengence". So I just accepted the good news with the knowledge that nothing is for certain in the cancerworld.

You do what you must do so that you can do what you want to do later!!!

Sent by Al Cato | 11:12 AM ET | 03-05-2008

I totally understand that leroy.

when i was diagnosed i started treatment two weeks after that, but in the meantime i was having every scan known to man done and so many appointments. I remember thinking that i was surprised i wasnt more emotional, crying all the time or showing some sort of emotion, but i guess i needed to wait for that part, i needed to go through the motions cuz thats all i could do at that time. the emotions (be it happy or sad) came later when they needed to. We do what we have to do to get to the next step. I don't believe anyone can tell another person what to feel or how or when to feel it. Every one is so different.

Sent by Jenn | 11:18 AM ET | 03-05-2008

Dear Leroy,

I understand exactly how you are feeling. When I was diagnosed, I approached treating the disease and recuperating as my "job". I approached it as if I was working on a project and of course, being the lawyer that I am, I was in control of the team! My doctors, the nurses, the physical therapists were like the engineers, the finance people, the maintenance and operations people that I would have on any project.

There will be plenty of time to rejoice. You're still trying to bring this project home.

All my best,
Mo

Sent by Mo Spikes | 11:19 AM ET | 03-05-2008

I totally understand. I am sure that my excitement level is not meeting the expectations of my support network. I wish I could feel as excited as they, but I don't. The practical and intellectual conversation I have in my mind goes something like....did you not just hear the doctor say that things are stable, if not improved, and we will continue with the current treatment plan? I'm working on it though. Thanks for your usual candor on this topic, Leroy. I just had to post about my membership in this club also.

Sent by J S M in Georgia | 11:27 AM ET | 03-05-2008

One of the reasons I enjoy this blog so much is that you somehow always manage to express things I am thinking or feeling as I go through my own bought with stage 4 lung cancer. When I was first diagnosed there was suspicion of a lesion in my pelvis. When the mri ruled it out, one friend was so excited and happy for me that her reaction surprised me, because I didn't feel that way at all. I was relieved I suppose, but just because this time the test turned out well did not mean that the cancer was gone. It didn't mean I still didn't have to do chemo and face the realities of what is ahead. I just had a ct last week that showed no cancer. I don't believe it. Maybe that is why I can't get real excited. I know the beast is just regrouping, to find a way to assault me another day.......

Sent by Theresa Lovin | 11:33 AM ET | 03-05-2008

It's only natural -- you're looking at a monumental undertaking, and what you've been dealing with is astonishing. You're breaking it down into digestible pieces, and ticking off the milestones. Doesn't mean each one's not a huge victory. And if you can't celebrate them in a jump-up-and-down way, know that there's a group of people here -- and your friends and family who love you -- that are doing it for you. My thoughts and prayers go out to you -- and to all the survivors and families on this board.

Sent by Lisa | 12:01 PM ET | 03-05-2008

Leroy don't seond guess yourself. You are in task mode, making things happen. When you are ready for celebration mode, you will party hard. Keep your business like approach for as long as you need it.

Sent by Pat Z. | 12:06 PM ET | 03-05-2008

Leroy,

Can it be that you are not more excited because you finally have accepted the fact that you are dying? I suspect this is a taboo thing to bring up here in this supportive blog. But what has made the blog so valuable up to this point is that you have confronted important real issues and feelings along your journey. I hope you will consider continuing to discuss difficult issues, rather than day-to-day trials and ups and downs. I'm certainly not saying you should give up your "fight", but there are important things to discuss during this phase of your illness. How do you prepare yourself, your family and loved ones for your death? Do you encourage discussing things openly, or keep up a strong face? Is your concern for your loved ones preventing you from expressing things that need to be expressed? Please, please do not take any of this wrong. I have such great admiration for you and the blog has been so valuable to me, and I do wish you the best.

Sent by Kate | 12:18 PM ET | 03-05-2008

I do not have cancer - at least none that I know of. However, I have spent most of my life in pain due to servere and early-onset arthritis. I have had two knees replaced and I am facing spine surgery this summer and I am only 54. I have already been told that I will need replacement of both hips in the future. During all my different physical therapy treatments, I never got excited at a "major accomplishment." Sometimes this was very fustrating to the the therapist that I was not celebrating. Maybe pain mutes my thrill about a "victory." But I suspect it is because I have a personality that does not get excited about victories or failures. If I get a flat tire, I just deal with it. No cussing, no remorse, just pull out the wallet, get it fixed and move on. Maybe the constant pain plays a role in that too.

I have the feeling, Leroy, that your long years covering the wars of the world and being in other dangerous situations has muted the "hurrah" at every little victory. However when it is a BIG victory, the celebration begins. My celebrations came when I was able to throw away the cane and appear to be a normal person again. Even if it was only a few months at a time. I hope that you get to "throw away the cane" soon.

Sent by Nancy | 12:33 PM ET | 03-05-2008

Here's a poem by Marianne Moore, "What are years", which speaks of courage and encouragement, nortality and immortality, and even guilt and innocence...(thinking about Stephanie's words:"forgive everything"). I discovered it at 20...have always kept it close to me.

http://www.hearts-ease.org/library/contemporary/moore/1.html

Cathi

Sent by Cathi | 12:34 PM ET | 03-05-2008

I am so glad that you continue to fight. I watched my 20 year old granddaughter fight for five years. You have to continue it's life, life that many cannot understand. She like you had cancer to stick it's ugly head up again and again and the doctors handled it, and shes get well and assumed I've got this licked. But, of course in the next six months to a year here it was again, somewhere else. You may not be excited but you have to keep on trying. I am proud that you are improving and who knows it's not to say you can't win. Hopefully someone will read your blog and research will be expanded and will help someone else so they do not have to go through what you have and Ashton did.

Sent by Mavis Adams | 1:04 PM ET | 03-05-2008

I completely understand the businesslike "what's next" aspect of recovery. I went through it myself. I think part of it was just that I felt I needed all my energy to fight whatever battle WAS next and part was because I didn't want to get too happy and then suffer a setback. You suffer enough setbacks, it feels dangerous to celebrate--like you're asking for one more or something.

Anyway, you feel the way you feel and I don't think you need to apologize for it. There are enough of us here delighted at the progess you made that we'll do the celebrating for you (it's easier for us to risk being happy about it).

Sent by N.R. | 1:04 PM ET | 03-05-2008

It's hard to get excited and celebratory when every step you take and every choice you make takes such an effort. Celebrating, as you said, will come later - later when you realize that you were able to do some things without thinking about how you did it. Not too long ago I cried unexpectedly because I walked up a flight of stairs without any "fanfare!" It's just a matter of time, Leroy. We all know it!

Sent by Molly | 1:48 PM ET | 03-05-2008

Hi Leroy and Laurie,

First, congratulations on your strength, your determination, your COURAGE - what an inspiration you both are.

Second, I agree with JCR - life, my friend, is the journey, with all of its hurdles and set-backs and accomplishments. Perhaps you are not overly ecstatic with each success because you're at peace with just "being," and I say, good for you. Much peace and love to you both, and to all of you on this board!

Sent by Amy in NJ | 1:53 PM ET | 03-05-2008

I often have the same feelings (7 year survivor). I think I am protecting myself--I don't want another kick in the gut setback. I also think we get tired but just keep plugging, its hard work. However, I do remind myself, successful, of the good stuff
hang in
cheryll

Sent by cheryll | 2:22 PM ET | 03-05-2008

Hi Leroy,
It sounds like you are busily at the task at hand and that is getting better. It's OK if you don't jump up and down right now because you haven't given yourself time enough to get stronger......but just wait until you get a little stronger.....Celebration Victory Dance in sight. Love and Hugs to you and Laurie

Sent by Teresa in WV | 2:35 PM ET | 03-05-2008

Greetings Leroy and Laurie -
It's your life. Live it how you like.
Blessings,
Tally

Sent by Tally | 3:15 PM ET | 03-05-2008

To Sasha:
Oh how I know that feeling of watching your spouse suffer. When our youngest child was 5 he was diagnosed w. a rare genetic disorder called alpha1antitrypsin deficiency, where the lungs begin to eat away at themselves. He finally got on a lung transplant list in '98, rec'd lung in spring of '99. BUt in 3 weeks, he went into coma due to infection/rejection and we disconnected him from the machines and let him go. He was only 50, his youngest child was 12, he had been sick for so many years. Whatever the motivation, your husband does choose to continue treatment, and one can never second-guess the human spirit and the mysterious will to live. Think of this time as a most magical moment and perhaps the most meaningful point of your relationship as a couple. Savor it, cry, laugh, love him, walk through it by holding our virtual hands. I don't know what else to say, I wish I could meet you and your family, just as I would love to meet lots of other bloggers here. You are in my heart. From Sherri in Texas, BC dx 4-06

Sent by Sherri Eggleston | 3:30 PM ET | 03-05-2008

Leroy, Everyday presents another challenge. There will also be disappointments. Along the way, it is best not to get too excited. Cancer has a way of kicking you when you are most vulnerable. I understand where you are mentally. I think it is the safest course. Thoughts, Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 3:46 PM ET | 03-05-2008

Leroy - I can relate to you not feeling the excitement. I have been fighting my cancer for over 2 years now. I had a 3 month break and now it is back and spreading. I have been on a new chemo that had way to many side effects. Now starting Fri. I will start another, everyone says that is great and I should continue to fight I'm doing great. I don't feel like I am doing great. I think I am a little depressed by all that has been going on.Maybe you are to. Sometimes you just need sometime to feel down and not have the positive attitude everyone else does. I have decided that is ok. So - it is ok for you to not feel like jumping up and down. That time may come but for now it is ok to feel the way you do.

Sent by Cathy | 4:06 PM ET | 03-05-2008

I'm so happy that you are getting stronger and stronger. I wanted to let you know sooner but you had enough of your own problems to deal with so I didn't. Now that you are home I will share with you. I did another 3 month CT scan and endoscopy and they looked good my my lab work was very suspicious. The doc said that my CEA (tumor markers) were creeping up. He said that he's not terribly alarmed but wants me to do another PET scan and another colonoscopy. He said the stomach and new esophagus and lungs were fine but the colon needs checking out. I went an entire year, surgery last February, doing fine and now this, it starts all over again. Someone said to me when I had my port removed last month, "you need to celebrate, your port means good-bye to cancer". I answered with "that's not how I feel about it, I've been through this too many times to get excited, I know better, removing the port simply means removing the port. What should we celebrate Leroy, I feel that being alive everyday is celebration enough, don't you?

Sent by Ruth White | 4:53 PM ET | 03-05-2008

So glad you are home for there is truly no place like it and that you can get back to sleeping in if you want to. You and yours are in my thoughts. One foot in front of the other even if they are wobbly.

Sent by P Sut | 5:32 PM ET | 03-05-2008

When do you think you'll say you have had enough?

Sent by Nancy | 5:42 PM ET | 03-05-2008

Goodness gracious, Leroy! You certainly don't need to play jolly on our account. Your feelings are your own and the only valid ones. Lots of us are thrilled with your incredible progress, but we're not in the infusion room or the PT room with you. All the hard hauling is and has been yours. Many prayers your way, Leroy.

Sent by Victoria Ferreira | 5:51 PM ET | 03-05-2008

I imagine it would just be too odd to feel "excited" about something that still, well, kinda sucks. The goal for you is out there further. These are just checkmark milestones on your way to the goal. Checking each off is certainly better than not checking them off, and I hope you feel pleasure and satisfaction in doing so. If you'll permit a March Madness analogy - leave excitement to the cheerleaders, you play the game. Focused and driven. One game at a time. Survive and move on.

Sent by keri | 6:12 PM ET | 03-05-2008

Hi Leroy:
Maybe you're feeling some elements of post-major-operative depression, a common and often unexpected after effect of surgery. The main thing is that you really are doing great and everyone on this site (and in your own non-blog sphere) is right behind you, cheering you on to comfort and wellness. Fight on, man!

Your Canadian e-friend,
Nancy

Sent by Nancy from Canada | 6:36 PM ET | 03-05-2008

it is o.k. to be realistic - what you are doing right now probably causes you some pain and it is difficult and somone goes LOOK WHAT YOU DID - only you are not 2 or 5 and you have done so much more! you WILL GET THERE - it will take time and effort and i guess "blood, sweat and tears." just take care of you and know that we are positive enough for you and thrilled for the effort you are giving to get you back. g-d bless you.

jan

Sent by janice goldberg white | 6:45 PM ET | 03-05-2008

Enjoy EACH day ... as each day has merits and new mercies of its own. I like to start the day asking God to give me an attitude of gratitude for the day. It helps me .. and small joys inside are just as good as the jumping up and down kind that the world can see...xo

Sent by Jo Ann Baswell | 6:50 PM ET | 03-05-2008

I can understand your not getting so excited. There are so many hurdles. My son is not an emotional type at all - businesslike just as you are. I can't get over your efforts. My thoughts are with you and Laurie.

Sent by Maureen | 7:08 PM ET | 03-05-2008

DEAR LEROY AND LAURIE,
YOU ARE WITH ME IN MY HEART AND THOUGHTS ALWAYS. ONE DAY AT A TIME IS ENOUGH FOR NOW, I'VE FOUND. THERE WILL BE TIME FOR CELEBRATION.
LOVE TO BOTH OF YOU! JUDE

Sent by Judith Tynan | 8:16 PM ET | 03-05-2008

Leroy,

You may be tired of hearing cliches but I am reminded of the one about how do you eat an elephant? It can only be done one bite at a time.

Take time to savor those small victories and imagine that elephant getting smaller all the time.

Bob

Sent by Bob | 9:35 PM ET | 03-05-2008

Leroy,
You are making progress and moving forward. However, the things you have to think about and focus hard on today are things that you did effortlessly in the past and without much thought. Maybe this is why you are not excited. I get that.

Remember, you will keep moving forward.

Sent by Jennifer in CA | 10:12 PM ET | 03-05-2008

Leroy: You are just keepin' it real and I am so glad that you do. There's something about the way you are completely honest that causes so many people to respond. I hope you can celebrate this great exchange that you started. It's a daisy chain that is stronger than any steel. A little "yes" goes up when I see that there is something from you because I know I am going to read some powerful stuff and I will take time to really reflect what really matters.

Sent by N. Holmes | 10:43 PM ET | 03-05-2008

Hang in there Sasha. Each has to do the journey "their way" and nobody can do another's journey for them: just with them! And each of us is with the other on this journey, cheering and praying.

Sent by Lucy | 11:55 PM ET | 03-05-2008

Leroy, blessings and supporting prayers to you and Lorie. That you are 'getting-on-with-business' is the celebration. Lou Ann

Sent by Lou Ann Caywood | 7:26 AM ET | 03-06-2008

I'm not wanting to be controversial, or to bait a negative response. Truly. But I feel the need to express my strong belief about something. Leroy is not dying. Leroy is living. And Leroy will continue living, right up until the day he dies. Just like everybody else. I won't presume to know what Leroy needs or wants, and he hasn't openly solicited anyone's support. For myself, I know what's coming, and it's the same thing that's coming for every person, and it doesn't bear repeating.

Sent by Ellen | 8:30 AM ET | 03-06-2008

amen Ellen!

and to Leroy, you are understood.

great love all around

Sent by Joan S. | 11:16 AM ET | 03-06-2008

Leroy,

Somehow your feelings make sense to me. Maybe because I'm not so much of a jump up and down guy too. And that's fine. You know yourself well and you seem true to yourself - isn't that what's right?

Anyway, those of us who are cheering or praying will all keep it up. It's our way of trying to help. Me, I'll keep praying for you, Laurie, and all those folks trying to help.

Sent by Geoff | 5:08 PM ET | 03-06-2008

Certain aspects of our society elude my comprehension. We set such ridiculous expectations on people. "You must act happy about this. You must act sad about that." And that emotional expression must be done in public so everyone is satisfied you are feeling the right way. Or at least acting like you are. If someone acts outside the expectation, they are labeled cold-hearted and unemotional, when they actually might be just emotionally exhausted or perhaps not given to public expressions of emotion.

Instead of expecting certain emotions, why don't we start letting people just be themselves? Barring violence against oneself or others, let people react how they want. It is really none of anyone else's business anyway.

Sent by DLPoff | 2:46 PM ET | 03-07-2008