Hello Friend! It does not sound like a "Good Morning" day so I will dispense with that. Do those painful, tortureous x-rays show any sort of improvement? Is all your pain worth it? I personally, would opt for a few really good months. I did 25 years ago and I am still here! You would have a chance to make some good memories with those you love. I know you are an optimistic Leroy, but IF they DO come up with a cure, I'm certain you will be one of the first to know and at least you will have some great days to enjoy with Laurie.
Now I shall finish my coffee and call our sister-in-law who had her C-scan and report yesterday and should have gotten her news about whether her lung tumor has grown or gotten smaller. I hate to call each time and then hear what new torture they will try on her next.
Tomorrow my husband goes, has the "bloody cathater" removed and try to find out if it is, indeed Prostate Cancer. Quite a life, isn't it? You are right Leroy, we should all take a "time out".

Sent by J C R | 7:42 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Hi Leroy,

I remember feeling sick and tired of being sick and tired.It is frustrating and you do feel helpless and you wonder if you will ever feel normal again. You are not perfect (almost), but no one expects you to go through day after day of pain without showing it or complaining. You wouldn't be human if you didn't.

May you have more good days than bad,

Love to you and yours,
Lianne

Sent by Lianne Friedman | 7:52 AM ET | 04-09-2008

sorry to hear you continue to experience as much pain as you are. Chronic pain is extremely debilitating and exhausting Not being able to find the best positions for comfort can be extremely frustrating.

It sounds like a trip to a pain clinic run by anesthesiologists may be in order. Perhaps, their knowledge and expertise can bring you some relief.

Sent by Sue Chap | 8:00 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Leroy, It is generous of you to write honestly about your your own pain and suffering, physical and mental. It is what makes cancer so intolerable at times, despite everyone's best efforts at bravery and comfort measures. And, many people don't speak of it.

There are some days that just have to be survived. I hope today is a better day for you.

Sent by Marilyn | 8:04 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Feeling caged is AWFUL! Sometime a family that has just a had a relative murdered will say "they wouldn't wish this pain on their worst enemy"..that's how I feel about the caged sensation you describle. Thank goodness you can eventually move past the experience or you'd loose your mind(or wish you would). A fan blowing on me helps the feeling pass a little more quickly: something about wind and freedom! Oh, baby, I hope you have a good day today. We'll wish for a GREAT day when the radiation is over.

Sent by Susan | 8:07 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Wish I could say something to help. Just hang in there.

Sent by Bill | 8:08 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Everyone is emphathetic and sympathetic with your feelings of frustration and even despair. Most know the feelings. Plus it is ok to VENT! Sometimes venting is, if nothing else, cathartic. It doesn't lessen the pain nor discomfort but it does help to relieve the stress.

Here's hoping and praying that things improve so that the pain goes away for at least a little while.

Prayers and blessings for you and Laurie.

Sent by Al Cato | 8:14 AM ET | 04-09-2008

It breaks my heart to read about your suffering but I sincerely appreciate you sharing your feelings with us. I believe that this is a helpful thing...just letting your feelings out. I know the feeling of just wanting to "feel good" again. I hope that you will feel that feeling soon.

Sent by Helene Weingarten | 8:27 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Leroy,
Why do you make it sound as though your moaning is a rude or inconsiderate thing? You do what you can to make yourself able to tolerate what you are going through. I just keep praying for all of you and don't worry about being polite. It's ok.

Sent by bettye | 8:37 AM ET | 04-09-2008

I never used to moan, myself, but then I underwent chemo. When dealing with the side effects, I actually found myself moaning at times and in a way it was a release of sorts. I think I was holding my breath in fear and this moaning was a way of letting go.
Leroy, thank you again for your writing and reminder that all we can do is our best. And then let go.
Peace to You dear Leroy.

Sent by Lynn | 8:41 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Hi Leroy,

Amazing how what you say gets directly to the heart of everything you are dealing with and that other people out here (including myself) are dealing with too. I've not posted in awhile, because my words seemed so small and futile in the face of what you are going through, and honestly, my own stuff has me rather suicidal, but, I hold on, somehow, (different ways different times), and am still here.

My partner and I read your blog every morning. Cups of coffee in hand, usually a 3 pound, 1 ounce, 15 yr. old pomeranian (Gracie) in my lap, our other dogs lying nearby. Not a day goes by that my partner doesn't ask, "How's Leroy?" -- and we go to npr.org and check on you.

Thank you for continuing to post here. We are holding you and Laurie in our hearts and spirits. Often there are tears in our hearts and eyes for you and for Laurie. We definitely understand that feeling of just being tired of it all, and calling a "time out" not being one of the options.

Here's hoping that somehow, somewhere today, you find some relief.

Heartlight,

Kim

Sent by Kim B. | 8:42 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Leroy, as hard as it is sometimes to read your thoughts, I still believe that they are SO important. You are giving us all a reality check. And you are ultimately giving us a first row view of Humanity 101 - giving us views into the anger, the helplessness, the pain, and the small triumphs of the human spirit. I applaud your honesty; you have great strength to be able to put it all out there. I for one, am grateful that you do because I am certain that having watched how such a STRONG man deals with all of this, that I will rely on the lessons learned from you at some future point in my life. It gives me great courage. Thank you for that. Here's to more chocolate chip cookies :)

Martha in FL

Sent by Martha in FL | 8:44 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Leroy, thanks for being brave enough to share this. I've watched my husband go through exactly what you've described and as hard as it is for me to watch helplessly, I know it is a million times for difficult for him. His way of turning it around is to pull into himself and, as he says, go into his zone. He doesn't want to hear or feel anything that would distract him from the deep-inside place where he goes to quiet his body and summon his will. All I can do is sit and watch while he regroups and prepares himself to endure another day. It's something he has to do for himself all alone...

Love and peace to you and Laurie.

Sent by Brenda | 8:45 AM ET | 04-09-2008

You really express so well what each of of us has probably felt at one time or another. I feel most sorry for my husband because he has had to see me lose it and wish it was over. Last year when I started chemo I was so weak I could barely get off the sofa. I was on chemo for 6 months and there were probably 2 days of each month that I felt like doing anything. The doctor finally took me off those drugs and now I'm on a chemo pill. The worst side effect is that my feet feel like I walked over a bed of coals and my hands are sometimes numb and sometimes feeling and looking like I ran them over a cheese grater. I've been on this pill since last June and thought I would be off by now but just got another 6 month prescription. Oh well, what the heck. That's not the word I wanted to use. Keep strong even though it's almost impossible sometimes. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. You are in my prayers always.

Linda

Sent by Linda | 8:46 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Did the chocolate chip cookie help? Might be a nice substitute for other pain meds, and the side effects are minimal. :-)

Sent by M Wms | 8:48 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Leroy,
You have every right to moan. Who says we have to be strong all the time. It is not our job during these times to make other people feel better.
I hope you got some sleep last night and that today will be a better day!
Charlotte in Rural Ridge, PA

Sent by Charlotte Kewish | 8:51 AM ET | 04-09-2008

With confidence, we can all say it is surely all about "you" at this point. The feeling of always being sick. Know it well. Wondering what happened to our "normal" lives. Sick, Sick, Sick. There you have it. Coming with the territory of having cancer, is the right to be bitchy, crooked and calling out in pain, if it hurts. We need to have some semblance that we are doing what "we" want, regardless of what is happening medically.
Prayers, Blessings and May The Grace Of God Be With You.
Wanda Amorose

Sent by Wanda Amorose | 8:51 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Hey, be proud of yourself regardless of whether it's your "best" coming out or not. You're human, you're dealing with a difficult situation with honesty and grace and you're entitled to express your frustration. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Sent by Amy | 9:00 AM ET | 04-09-2008

So sorry for all you have had to endure. You are a hero. Moan away. Everyone understands this is necessary at times, and even helps. Thinking of you.....

Sent by Wendy | 9:10 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Dear Leroy, I'm dazzled that in the midst of this unbidden tough day, you still managed to send us the view from your front. The longing for a time out reminds me of women in labor who, equally justifiably, cry out, "I'm done now. I don't think I want a baby after all!" I hope you get the right combination of chair/bed, cookie, and other comforts to trip the tumblers back to more peaceable way of being -- today and for all the days ahead. Have you asked hospice nurses if they have any tricks no one else has thought of yet for the pain? They really are ingenious and amazing at knowing what no one else has had to learn, and helping with comfort. Sending you gentle, comfortable, supportive energy and thoughts,

Sent by Sarah | 9:10 AM ET | 04-09-2008

As I type this, I'm printing out your post for today to show it to my mom. Lately I've been complaining about some of the very things you've mentioned - the "tired of it all" feeling. I've been rather cranky myself lately and I realize it must be hard on family members and as much as I try to ask them not to take things personal, I'm sure it's difficult.

Even in your pain, you're helping us Leroy! Bless you so much.

Sent by Vicky S (NY) | 9:11 AM ET | 04-09-2008

i can totally relate Leroy,

i've had a rough week and SO want a time out....

take care

Sent by Jenn | 9:18 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Leroy- I just viewed an (older-don't know when it was done) PBS special called "On one's own terms" about palliative care. It was incredibly well done. They stressed the pain-free, pain control goals of palliative care practitioners stating that if pain is under control, it opens the ability to deal with more spiritual concerns as well as the enjoyment of everyday life. I remember reading about your hospice interview, but maybe it's time for a palliative care consult? Couldn't hurt more than the pain and psychological discomfort you are experiencing...
These last two posts have been so real and thought provoking. Thank you...maybe try some comfort foods from your youth with your chocolate chip cookie. My daughter makes the most awesome cc cookies-wish I could send you some to make you smile.

Sent by elm | 9:22 AM ET | 04-09-2008

I think you have gone a lot farther with this than a lot of other people would go. I remember my former neighbor told me, after his prolonged cancer battle, that his doctor told him that some patients only show up once. They hear the cancer diagnosis, leave and are never seen again. They, of course, go home and die. My neighbor was the exact opposite extreme, a retired malpractice trial lawyer, who could have invented the word fight. I don't know exactly where I am on this continuum but probably closer to my neighbor than to the people who just go home. I think you are even closer to my neighbor on the continuum. i assume a big factor in this is exactly how much pain the person is willing to endure. if next to no pain is the choice, i guess you get into an opiate haze and just drift away. you are choosing all the way along here, leroy, and you might want to spend some time reflecting on that whole process. carol

Sent by carol irvin | 9:36 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Leroy, I just read these every day and don't know what to say. I feel lucky my pain is manageable. I feel for you.

Sent by Lisa | 9:41 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Leroy
You have really been through hell. Hope you find something to sooth your body, a warm bath, some music, whatever it takes.

Take care of yourself.

Sent by Irene | 9:43 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Just this morning I was having a similar thought. I kid you not. I want a time out. I want a taste of how I felt prior to my cancer returning and the effects of the various treatments took hold. My physical side effects have been getting worse lately. I used to wish for a flashback to the mental calm I must have had. Because at the beginning of my stage IV journey I actually felt ok physically. Now I'd like a timeout from either, but preferable both. So let's say it together...UGH.

Thank you for your candor. Particularly on topics where we really put our weaknesses on the table as you so gracefully do. I wonder if you derive the same sense of validation from reading our responses as we do by reading your posts.

Sent by J S M | 9:45 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Leroy,

My thoughts and prayers are with you. My husband has been going through the 'sick and tired of being sick and tired' loop. And yes, it is a loop as this isn't a cold we're dealing with here... there isn't a day when all the symptoms are gone.

I'm glad you found your alternate cure - (i.e. chocolate chip cookies). I've had to shop creatively for my husband - sometimes the cookies work, sometimes it takes a wee bit extra like a Milk Maid caramel from Brach's.

As for being grumpy and 'fussy' on the bad days? Heavens to mergatroid.... you're being invaded! A little noise is to be expected as war was never a quiet event.

Love to you and yours,

Connie

Sent by Connie Jaeger | 9:53 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Praying for you, my friend. Wishing you painless treatments and peace always.

Sent by Julie | 9:53 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Hello, Leroy. Your frustration is so normal. Our son, Andrew, is so frustrated, too. He's 35 and is options have run out. He had brain surgery on Monday that went well. Removed one of his 6 tumors that had bled and caused him to have his first seizure last Friday. There is no discussion about removing the others. He had radiation to shrink them.

His leg has so many lesions, some that bleed, it would make you cry. He might come home today. Fortunately, he doesn't worry about getting addicted to his Percacet (sic) or morphine. Why worry about that.

My husband, Tom, his Dad, is staying with him so he can stay in his condo as long as possible. I return to work on Monday. Thank God they are understanding about my taking time off to be with Andrew. I have used all my vacation time. It really doesn't matter if I have to take unpaid leave as long as I can keep my job and keep the health insurance for Tom and me.

I hope you have some good days very, very soon. Thanks for sharing your journey with us. It has helped me a lot.

Sent by Maureen | 10:02 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Hi Leroy,

Moan away, man. Sometimes it's all you can do. I think writing under the circumstances is incredibly brave. I empathize completely with your need for a break and hope, one way or another you can get one. We're all praying that things get better for you.

Vaya con Dios,

John Shippee
Atlanta, GA

Sent by John Shippee | 10:03 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Dear Leroy,

Never have you seemed more human than this morning. I read your words every day, and what I've worried about most is that you might be too much the warrior, too determined to fight the Beast, no matter what. In fact, I personally don't like calling cancer the Beast. That makes it seem a sentient being, and THAT makes it seem a cruel and calculating foe that one must fight with all one's might, as good must battle evil. Well, cancer doesn't know about our human drama, and cancer doesn't care. So you just go ahead and moan and curse and be grumpy if you want and say "Enough!" when you want. We, your friends and fans, have no business imploring you to be strong, to be positive, to keep on keeping on. We want what's best for you, and that's up to you and Laurie. All blessings for your journey.

Sent by Marion, Cobleskill, NY | 10:11 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Lord love a duck...I hope you can find some "time out" soon...praying that your discomfort and restlessness subside...really praying

Sent by Alycia Keating | 10:15 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Hi there Leroy and Laurie. Your post today resonates with me, too. I had surgery in '98,2000,'01,'02,'05,'06 and now, yesterday, I learned I need another one. I have spent ten years recovering from surgeries with pain meds, nausea, physical therapy, etc etc etc. Oh, do I understand the need for a time out. And yet, none of the surgeries were optional so none of the difficulties were optional. But my coping skills are getting pretty ragged. Maybe that's why those chocolate chip cookies taste so good?

Sent by glenda | 10:16 AM ET | 04-09-2008

I have nowhere near the pain you are experiencing, but going through chemo with carbo/taxol again there are days that just drag as I try to find things to distract myself from the sick feeling and weakness. Sometimes it's hard to even focus on a book or TV show. But then I get a "good" day that helps me, temporarily, forget. I hope you get a good day soon - I think it helps to get through the bad days when you know you can occasionally have good ones. Leroy, on this post you speak not just for cancer patients but anyone that lives with chronic disease and pain. "Tired of being sick" sums it all up. Thanks for sharing the bad with the good, Leroy.

Sent by Marcia Greer | 10:17 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Leroy,
You amaze me that you can even gather your thoughts to share with us.
I wish I knew of some pain reliever that could combat this pain.
Sleep, probably not easy to come by, is some time when you at least are not aware of the pain.
Praying that it will start fading.
Thank-You for your courage.
Love,
Joyce

Sent by Joyce | 10:17 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Amen Leroy....we all go through this..tired of being sick...it is at times hopeless. And yes, it feels good to moan and not stuff it in. Have a cookie and do not ever feel bad that you don't feel well. We all seek relief from this disease.

Sent by KIKI | 10:20 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Bless you for your courage. Moan away and if chocolate chips don't do it, try pie.
With care

Sent by anne lumberger | 10:25 AM ET | 04-09-2008

I can remember my father-in-law, on the really bad days, I'd ask him how he was doing. His response was "that damned cancer". Somedays that damned cancer wins.

Hoping today is a beter one.

Sent by Kathleen | 10:27 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Oh Leroy, cancer stinks! My husband and I have a love-hate relationship with suffering. Paul said it so well, that we rejoice in our sufferings (we do?) because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Funny, there are times when we realize that we do have more perseverance, character, and hope and that we have become better human beings and it was stinky cancer that started that process. Like I said, love/hate. There are so many times we just say, God...we've persevered long enough...don't I have enough character yet? Then I dwell on the hope...hope is the best part! Go ahead and moan all you want, Leroy. It's part of it! Blessings to you!

Sent by Carol | 10:28 AM ET | 04-09-2008

My grief therapist says its "okay" to have those bad days! I call them my Laurie/Neil moments. For me, its my time to feel sorry for me and have a good cry!
Its okay..... we can still wake in the morning to a new day. For me, its a good time to reflect on the positive things now going on in my life!
Wishing you a brighter day today!
Continued prayers for y'all...

Sent by Laurie Hirth | 10:30 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Hi Leroy,

I absolutely identify with you're feelings of being trapped and caged. I don't have cancer, I have Lupus and lupus related chronic kidney disease - which apparently will ultimately progress to kidney failure - but first I must go through lots of chemo and other medications like steroids to see if the progression will slow at all. Anyway, my point is that often I've felt like I just want to escape - escape to the woods, escape to my bedroom, escape to somewhere - but I always have the realization that I really can't escape because what I'm trying to escape is my own body, and unfortunately it doesn't work like that. It's then that I have that feeling of absolute claustrophobia. Eventually it does get better though and I just put one foot in front of the other. I read this blog religously and it's really helped through some diffiucult times. Thank you Leroy.

Sent by Lauren | 10:32 AM ET | 04-09-2008

amen, brother leroy! a week ago i pitched myself off my kitchen counter (long story but that's the salient detail), breaking my rt. wrist in 4 places & wrenching my rt. knee pretty good, too. it's been a long time since i've had this feeling of utter helplessness & complete frustration, but i'm having it in spades this week.

the orthopedic surgeon who set it (& who's pretty sure it will still need to be pinned) gave me my instructions, & then said, i trust you'll do everything right since you've had so much experience with following orders.

yup. i sure have. & all that experience has been flavoured with an undercurrent of low-grade fury that morphs into resignation. but sometimes a little rage is what gets you through the day!

peace
jj

Sent by Joan Jones | 10:33 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Leroy - we all can identify with you feeling like a caged animal. I have had many a day and night when I pace or just move foot to foot not knowing how or what to do. MRI and CT machines make it even worst. So tonight if yu are restless and need something to watch checkout Diane Sawyer tonight. There will be a person on who inspires me just as much as you. Randy Pausch. He has Pancreatic cancer and was a proffessor and now is an advocate for the cancer. His speaches are so inspirational I think you would truly enjoy him.

So good luck with the gitters and if you come up with a good release don't forget to share.

Sent by Cathy | 10:34 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Leroy hang in there ... there isn't much I can do except send good intentions to you. A distraction to take you away from your distraction perhaps? I always think of the Three Stooges on this one. Larry hurts his foot and Moe slaps Larry in the head and says "Now, how does that feel? and Larry says "Great, now my foot feels better!"

Sent by Pat Z. | 10:38 AM ET | 04-09-2008

I have said those words many times. I never thought that someone else said them too. Keep talking to us about these things,it lets us know we are not alone. Heres hoping the grace of God shines on you.

Sent by Hal | 10:53 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Dear Leroy,

So sorry to hear about the hell you are going through. Vanity? Hah! Life is too short and too precious for that ridiculousness. Who cares? All that matters is that you feel as little pain as possible and endure as little torment as possible. My prayers and best wishes are always with you. May be worst of this be over for you soon, and you find some lasting relief and hopefully a long "time out". My heart goes out to you.

Sent by Connie | 10:54 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Larry, please ask your doctors to send you to a Pain specialist! You really don't have to be this uncomfortable. As good as I'm sure your docs are, the pain docs are likely to have some tricks to offer you. The choice between pain relief and side effects doesn't have to be so stark. I'm concerned about the impact of constant discomfort on your overall health and well-being. As both a pain doc (for kids) AND a former patient, I know how debilitating chronic pain can be--and how DEPRESSING it is.

Sent by Nancy Glass, MD | 10:55 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Leroy, while I know how much your blog means to all of us who read and respond to it, I hope that it also helps you to be able to speak your mind to a receptive audience. I know that when I was going through my various cancer surgeries and treatments, I didn't want to complain (or moan) too much to my family and friends, because I knew they felt so helpless and I didn't see much use in making everyone feel bad. And I know we all tend to put on a happy(ish) face for most people ("it hasn't been that bad" "I'm feeling better today, really!") So I hope it is useful and therapeutic for you to be able to be so brutally honest about your pain here. We're always ready to listen.

Sent by Gretchen Hoag | 10:57 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Leroy, I feel the information you're sharing is, in a sense, preparing us for the time when we have to make crucial decisions about ourselves. Some of us blessedly are taken from this world in a blink, without pain or suffering. Others may need to choose between treatment and palliative care. Your experience brings a whole lot of realism to the treatment option. Palliative care, we are told, offers the warm fuzzies with wonderful people who walk us through the end of the tour (tra la la). It's not that simple, is it? Reality is scary. I truly wish your reality was different.

Sent by Sharon | 11:02 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Dear Leroy.
As a caregiver/spouse, I too would like a time-out. I too am irritable, short-tempered, tired, frustrated, etc., etc. My neighbor who has inoperable cancer complained to me about her husband's impatience and annoyance and asked if I could tell her why he acts like that. I said that he's upset and wants her to get better. She said that she is the one with the cancer and cancer trumps everything. She happens to be right.
i hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Sent by Elaine | 11:18 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Leroy, the dumbest thing about those drug side effects is that they may cause the very problem we're trying to get rid of! I think of you EVERY day. Hope tomorrow is a better one for you.

Sent by Nancy Abbott | 11:21 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Leroy,
I've followed your journey (is that the right term?) from when I watched the special on TV that told your story. And now I read your blog every day. And by reading it, I find myself very interested in your current status but it also I find it a bit calming in a sense. Perhaps it's your unbelievable persistence to not give up that is so inspiring. I lost my dad to lung cancer a few years back and now one of my best friend's 10 y/o, as I type this, is receiving his first round of chemo for stage 4 cancer. I'm amazed how someone like you, who has literally been through the ringer and my friends 10 y/o, can stay so darn positive. And the only answer I can come up with is that being positive is really the only option. KK, as we call him, is more worried about his parents his close friends around him than himself. And he is facing this beast head on with full force. You both are amazing in my book. Best of luck to you. I certainly hope you can feel "normal" again someday.

Sent by Daron J | 11:25 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Dear Leroy and Laurie, Just know that prayers and good thoughts are being sent your way - and if tears help there are those also! Leroy, you are incredible, you can talk about it and you still keep us informed. We all love you and admire you so very much
Jan

Sent by Janice Goldberg White | 11:29 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Dear Leroy
I am so sorry you are hurting badly. I hope you can feel the love, thoughts, and prayers that surround you from all of us.

Sent by Tina from Alton IL | 11:44 AM ET | 04-09-2008

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know the bit of roaming around, trying to find any position that feels half comfortable. I am praying for you.

Sent by Leah | 11:49 AM ET | 04-09-2008

leroy i want your health-care people to do something about your pain.

to leroy's health-care people: please do something about leroy's pain. there's got to be *something* out there that will give him predictable relief without making him loopy. i know there's a whole list of stuff you need to do for him, but the pain-thing could be maybe moved to the top.

Sent by mary | 11:53 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Leroy- moan and groan as loud as you want. You have a right to. And if its all too much, take that break. Its ok to say I want to be left alone for awhile. Do what YOU want. Take care and bless you.

Sent by DiAnn | 11:54 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Moan away, Leroy.It's probably better for you to have that release instead of the tension of trying to hold it in. And it can't hurt to let those treating you REALLY understand the kind of agony you are enduring at their hands.I just read a long article in this month's Cure magazine about palliative care.Supposedly, patients no longer have to sign up with hospice and stop treatment in order to get the services of a palliative care physician. Please -- if you haven't already done so, ask to see one. Or demand it! Surely something can be done to relieve at least some of your suffering. I imagine the pacing like a caged animal and the feeling of helplessness may be not all due to pain but to your frustration (i.e., psychological).We all have to find our own remedies for that, whether it's a chocolate chip cookie or a gentle massage or soft music or being out in nature or meditation or poetry or prayer. Whatever brings you peace...I hope you find some of that today. Namaste (I honor the light within you.)

Sent by Doris | 12:14 PM ET | 04-09-2008

Hi Leroy - all my best wishes for you - for respite, for relief and for sustaining your courage. You write so movingly. I remember being so ill and in pain and feeling so exhausted and trapped and frustrated - and scared. And, I remember the first night after months when I slept through the night (yes with a good set of drugs) without waking in pain that I don't want to remember - I remember waking with tears of joy. I hope you can find joy in whatever measure very, very soon.

Sent by Jerry in DC | 12:20 PM ET | 04-09-2008

Leroy,

Pain and mental fatigue are an integral part of cancer, it is not just the tumor itself- it is a disease complex. From following your blog, it sounds as if the tumor is being treated maximally, and I hope it feels as if it's rear is being kicked most of the time. The other aspects, pain and psychological, are also part of the disease, and will vary person to person, tumor to tumor. It is just as important to have these aspects of the disease complex addressed, as it is the physical tumor itself. Concerning the pain, pain clinics and hospice personnel are experts in this area- make contact and get help- remember, this is just another face of the tumor, that also needs appropriate medical therapy. Same for the psychologic aspects, a counsellor, psychologist, psychiatrist, religious person, new age medicine man, etc., will have perspective/words, suggestions, and possibly medication to help on this long journey.

I may not post everyday, but you are always in my thoughts.

Feel better,

Dave Getzy
Fort Collins, CO

Sent by Dave | 12:24 PM ET | 04-09-2008

So sorry to hear about your rotten day. I think you've earned the right to moan if you want to. ("It's my X-ray, and I'll"...never mind.) I hope the cookie, or the heating pads, or something that makes you laugh will get the day out of the cellar. You have a big cheering section.

Sent by Linda | 12:31 PM ET | 04-09-2008

Leroy -
A couple of weeks ago I got the results from my latest PET scan. Due to a misunderstanding, I thought that I was NED. When the report was sent to me days later, I found out that was not the case. Even though I was disappointed, those "cancer-free" days were such a needed break. I now feel refreshed and ready to take on the beast again.

I hope you find something that can give you a bit of respite and peace.

Sent by Patte | 12:36 PM ET | 04-09-2008

Leroy, you are concentrating on your Numero Uno Job: taking care of you! So, moan and groan on man. And do so heartily. Like sighing, this must be a good way to get rid of carbon dioxide excesses.

Sent by Sheara | 12:53 PM ET | 04-09-2008

ok, where do we send the CCC's and do you like walnuts in the cookies? Until then, try Peanut M&M's, my dad called them calorie bombs as his weight dropped and pain increased... really the only little nuggets that he enjoyed munching. Our wishes and energy and prayers are for healing, comfort and patience, for you and all afflicted.

Sent by Stitches | 1:04 PM ET | 04-09-2008

Leroy
I am so sorry you're going thru this. There really are no words to express how sad it makes me feel to know that you have no relief. I don't know how you string two words together much less write a whole column every day. You don't deserve this; none of us do.

Kate

Sent by Kate Fuehrer | 1:26 PM ET | 04-09-2008

Dear Leroy,
How in the heck did you manage to type in your blog today, when you are in such pain? I imagine you writing a few sentences, then getting up and changing positions, then returning to writing a few minutes later. Anyway, I am in awe that you are keeping us posted while going through all of this. Vicariously, I feel I am able to walk in your shoes a bit, and I want to thank you for that. You are teaching me to be more compassionate with my sister-in-law who starts up chemo again on Friday. You have this incredible inner strength that I see in my sister-in-law also. Thanks for sharing so honestly. The phrase, "this too shall pass" keeps coming into my head. I pray that you experience some relief from pain while you fight(although I don't like this metaphor) this devastating disease.

Sent by Carolyn Benson | 1:35 PM ET | 04-09-2008

Leroy,

I recently heard someone talk about "breathing through your pain" - a bit like a woman giving birth. I know nothing about this, but it SOUNDS like a good idea. We breathe in a special way when we exercise, when we have babies, and at other times when our tendency is to "freeze."

I understand that it isn't your image of yourself to holler, but it might help.

Blessings.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 1:36 PM ET | 04-09-2008

gosh I relate so well to todays blogg. I just wish people would realise how hard it is for travelling this road.

Sent by Jill Curtis | 1:41 PM ET | 04-09-2008

I hate cancer and what it does to us. Cancer is like Godzilla in the old movies, rampaging through our bodies. The tanks, the flame-throwers and the bombs all just send him into the deep for a bit. He lurks there, waiting, until he decides to come back. You would think with all of our talk of sending a manned space flight to Mars that we would have found a way to beat Godzilla by now. Some things just don't make sense.

Sent by Martha | 1:49 PM ET | 04-09-2008

Wish I could make it all go away. I'm so sorry.

Sending big hugs your way.

Sent by grace | 2:07 PM ET | 04-09-2008

I am so sorry you had one of those days. I do know that trapped feeling where you just want to escape your current situation and you can't. It's a whole other kind of misery on top of the misery that your body is in, and soemtimes, even with the most positive attitude, it just can't be avoided.

I agree with everyone else here - Do whatever you need to to let it out: moan, scream, kick something (inanimate of course). Cancer just sucks sucks SUCKS.

Sent by N.R. | 2:14 PM ET | 04-09-2008

I find that moaning and groaning help me tremendously. Even whimpering can be a comfort to me. I remember once, in my pre-cancer days, asking a doctor if it was OK with him if I whimpered during a procedure. "Whimper away," he told me, and I did. After about 30 seconds of whimpering, I felt much better.

Susan

Sent by susan c | 3:09 PM ET | 04-09-2008

Dear Leroy,
I am so very sorry to hear about what you have had to endure today. I hope tomorrow brings you some relief.

As always, prayers to all.

Sent by Sasha | 3:12 PM ET | 04-09-2008

I am praying that you will soon find relief from your pain. I hope my call for your time out comes to pass.

Sent by John Watson | 3:21 PM ET | 04-09-2008

Hi Leroy,

I hope you will be feeling better today.
We are all praying for you. Moan and groan all you want. Any kind of pain that just goes on and on is too much to take.

Sent by Marcy in NJ | 4:28 PM ET | 04-09-2008

moan all you want
do you enjoy music? I find good music always lifts me up and gives me hope
God Bless you, Leroy. I hope tomorrow is better.

Sent by cv | 4:38 PM ET | 04-09-2008

Wow. Leroy. What a tough day for you to have to endure so much. I am hoping that the hours will pass and that soon you'll be feeling stronger and in more control. I think that's the toughest part of any illness, and of cancer in particular: the feeling that a large measure of the control over our lives that we all take for granted when we're healthy is suddenly beyond our grasp when we're not. But hopefully this day will end with you in a better place: more comfortable and in less pain, and feeling able to settle in and relax. In the meantime, if you have an iPod or a good stereo system, put in your earphones, crank up your favorite music and try to escape as best you can. cv - above - mentioned music, and I second that recommendation. We're all thinking of you, rooting for you, and wishing there were more we could do for you when the going gets tough. Peace out, Leroy!

Sent by Susan Crawford | 4:47 PM ET | 04-09-2008

Dear Leroy,

I hear your cry of frustration. I hear you asking for how long can you endure this situation. I hear you questioning all the suffering inflicted on you during your treatments. And I hear you saying that your body is not responding to the treatment, rather, the treatment is prolonging your suffering. I am so sorry.
Only you know when to stop treatment; when to call Hospice Services and choose for palliative care towards a peaceful life closure.
You have already done so much for humanity through your Blog, let alone your other functions in broadcasting and on TV.
You can check out. You can choose to stop treatment. Don't let pain and suffering crush your spirit. You have run a good race.
With all due respects,

Neide Tichy
Social Worker

Sent by Neide Tichy | 4:47 PM ET | 04-09-2008

I am so sorry for your pain and what seems to be endless suffering.
Please consider palliative care now, you have been so brave for so long, maybe it is time to let go. Kathy

Sent by Kathy Peacock | 5:14 PM ET | 04-09-2008

Hi Leroy. I'm so rarely unable to find words to respond to things, and yet that's where I am right now. I notice in myself a strange desire - however inappropriate, it is there- to rush in and offer some kind of advice or suggestion. It's this overwhelming desire to make your pain, your situation, better... as if I could! I think in reading your posts, some of us reflect on the fact that we'd probably be making different choices than you are right now, and others reflect on the fact that your determination is inspiring, and some of us may think both these things at once. Yet for me what's hardest of all is just to simply "go still" and listen without getting that panicky sense of wanting to jump in. You know, just to hear where you're at, and take that in, and send back lots and lots of support for whatever you need to do for yourself.
Just a thought.
You're in a hard place now, and it's only right that should stir up some hard questions. Not so articulately, Barbara K.

Sent by Barbara K | 5:28 PM ET | 04-09-2008

I shed tears for the elegant collective MOAN that are today's blog entry and comments. I'm trying for a time out, but cancer has tracked me down in maui, where i must get an emergency blood test or miss staying on the study-drug (my tenth chemo therapy).

Thanks for today's many views...I've also been wrestling with when 'enough is enough'...continuing to experiment with life.

Sent by Joan S. | 6:05 PM ET | 04-09-2008

Leroy; You are in my "inbox" everyday and I read along with your pain and pray that you will have relief today. It is just awesome and inspiring to me to see you going through and I mean THROUGH what you are and not giving up and yet finding the stableness of mind midst the pain and agony to crack a joke or make a hopeful statement. God bless you my friend. I think that your writing and sharing of your life experiences puts you in many "who's who" books and lists; you will always be in mine. Your work of sharing your life with us is a great gift that no one else could have given to us...may we be able to at least give you a little something of our lives that will help to brighten your day and ease your pain. You are in my prayers and thoughts daily...

Sent by Denise from Ohio | 6:34 PM ET | 04-09-2008

I haven't written in a while because, honestly, I can't improve upon the wise and wonderful postings here. But I need to say this to you: You're going through pure hell right now. It's OKAY TO MOAN or yell or cry, or whatever it is you need to do. Do it! Maybe there's a reasonable explanation for this, but I absolutely don't understand why you have to be in such continuous pain. I'm praying for your medical team to get on top of this for you. Still lifting for you and Laurie. Bless you both.

Sent by Janice J. , Los Angeles | 6:37 PM ET | 04-09-2008

Hey big guy! I think the majority of the people commenting have been there and done that. Yep, tired of the not feeling good and forgetting what it was like TO feel good! This was a bad day for you, so let's look forward to tomorrow and to feeling better. May you find the right med to get you through this time. Peace for the night...

Sent by Jo Ann Baswell-Margate, FL | 8:01 PM ET | 04-09-2008

Leroy, there is no right or wrong way to behave when man suffers. Moaning or crying or doing whatever to relieve the frustration...whatever you need to do, just do it! Heavens, who would blame you? I know when I'm at my wits end with poor health, I turn into a whiner...not intentionally of course. I'm in awe of your ability to hold up under the duress of it all...and still find strength to maintain a blog. Amazing courage, my friend....

Sending love to you and Laurie....

Sent by Faun | 8:47 PM ET | 04-09-2008

Dear Leroy,
Thank you for writing how today went. I often think how it must not be that easy for you to sit and type and think, given all of things that are going on in your day. But, please know that your blog touches me (and by the looks of it, a lot of other people). I come home every day, fire up my computer, and check in to see how you are. Reading what you've written reminds me that all we have is the present moment.
I just wish that your present moment would be more comfortable than it is.

Sent by Emily H. | 8:49 PM ET | 04-09-2008

Leroy, moaning is a form of chanting. Humans have done it since there WERE humans, I expect. It's a release, and a self-comforting mechanism. The vibrations of the moan resonate throughout your cells. Let it go....heck, cry and cuss if it helps, but please release any thoughts of being socially correct with your suffering. I know from experience, some rhythmic moaning can help comfort oneself. Hugs

Sent by Nancy K Clark | 9:26 PM ET | 04-09-2008

Not much anyone can say, except that you're not alone. So many of us think of you as a friend, and send thoughts and prayers daily. Peace . . .comfort . . joy . . beauty . . comfort. Connie Brown

Sent by Constance Brown | 11:06 PM ET | 04-09-2008

Thanks for being real with us, Leroy. Once again, you are giving first hand news from the battlefield. The news is tough to hear, but it's real and it needs to be told.
If you don't mind, please address the issue of consulting a pain specialist. So many of us are urging you to seek help from one, but perhaps you have. My husband entered a hospital saying that his pain was a "40" on a scale of 1-10. His oncologist called in a pain specialist who did a temporary spinal block, changed his meds, and told him, "I can't improve your prognosis, but I can promise you that your pain will always be manageable." That promise was kept. I know you've had great doctors, but will you assure us that one of them is a pain specialist?

Sent by Laura | 12:19 AM ET | 04-10-2008

Leroy,
It is impressive that you can write these amazing posts when you have a day like you did. I can relate to so much of what you are describing. How do you do that? It is a gift that you give us daily.

I remember saying I was tired of being sick and tired. I am so sorry you are there. I wonder if anti-anxiety meds could help you a bit? You may already have those. I rediscovered music one day while going through chemo. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed music and started listening again. I also found Dr. Martin Rossman's guided imagery CD's helped me to relax my body and mind for a period of time.

Chocolate chip cookies are my favorite. Go for whatever brings you a moment of happiness or a moment of less awfulness. Maybe just banging your crutch against the ground would feel great!

Sending peaceful thoughts and healing energy. More prayers too. Goodnight - Jennifer

Sent by Jennifer in CA | 12:41 AM ET | 04-10-2008

I'm sorry, Leroy, for your suffering. Thank goodness tomorrow is another day. Hopefully you will find a better pain medication without those awful side effects. Until then, I'm dedicating tonight's meditation session to you.

Sent by Paulette | 1:50 AM ET | 04-10-2008

God bless you for being you and being so very honest. It benefits us all. You put such a true voice on this train ride. Hang in there.

Sent by Lucy | 1:51 AM ET | 04-10-2008

When the pain and frustration of a bad day got to be too much, my mom asked for a hot fudge sundae - there was very little that a hot fudge sundae (like your chocolate chip cookies) couldn't, at the very least, take the edge off of. I hope you'll find just the right combination of drugs and chocolate chip cookies, and whatever else it takes to get through the bad days. Please know that your daily updates are a source of hope and encouragement. Thank you for sharing your experience with such honesty and grace.

Sent by Kellie McCartney | 5:06 AM ET | 04-10-2008

It bothers me greatly that you continue to be in such pain. It seems to me that you need a different medication or combinations of medications or an adjusted dose or something.

Sent by Linnea | 8:21 AM ET | 04-10-2008

Leroy,

Thank you for sharing. I too have experienced the "caged animal" feeling durng my cancer treatment. I could not be in a dark room, could not sit or lie down because of pain and anxiety. As you say, this eventually passes, but it is a horrible feeling. I wondered if I was going crazy! Sick and tired of being sick and tired is a feeling that affects all of us with cancer. I hope you find a way to make it through those rough times. Chocolate chip cookies sound like a good start.

Sent by Susan | 1:14 PM ET | 04-10-2008

Thank you for sharing your feelings of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. I do know how that feels and hope you find ways to get relief that are healthy and make you better. I have found meditation, yoga, music and hugging my cat to help when when I get those feelings of being helpless. Chocolate and finding laughter work well too.

Speedy Recovery Wishes.

Sent by Mary | 3:05 PM ET | 04-10-2008

Leroy,
I'm pulling for you and wish I could say that I feel your pain....literally. Just know that we are all here for you and wish we could give you some relief, even for just a minute. You have probably experienced more in the last two years than most of us will in a lifetime and you have met every challenge with grace and courage and strength and humor and an iron will that is at the very least admirable and at the most nothing short of almost super-human. Don't give another thought to being tired of being sick or desperate for some relief. I think you've earned the right to want the tide to turn your way. If I could give that to you I would. Hang in there.

Sent by Cindy C. | 7:34 PM ET | 04-10-2008

I am so enjoying your blog. This post has so hit home as this is exactly where I am right now -FED up with it all, the treatments, being tired, being sick. You wrote it as if you were in my heart. Thank you

Sent by Carrie Belair | 5:01 PM ET | 04-12-2008

I only just learned about your cancer blog. My husband just died of prostate cancer, too young. I am asking you to introduce to need for regulation, elimination and education of the public about the omnipresence of carcinogenic materials in our industrialized society. We could at least be conscious of them, and try to avoid them. We raise all this money to "find a cure", but avoid learning about the material that cause or contribute to the illness. We can do better. Talk about it, please.

Sent by Beedy Parker | 8:15 AM ET | 04-14-2008