Another good morning Leroy! That is all we really have isn't it? What a good feeling to have yet another day to deal with. You seem to be understanding yourself and your delima better with every passing day. You help me to deal also because of your thoughts. I would imagine that you can't remember what you felt before you realized that you had cancer. Isn't it the "Silent disease"? NOW, you feel it's effects.
Now, you get on with your PT, get stronger, and keep that mind alive!

Sent by J C R | 7:21 AM ET | 04-08-2008

Ok, that post rates a WOW! Adapting to the new norm. I can relate to that. I asked my beau yesterday, if I was in shock because, I haven't cried as much for my dad's passing as I did with my mom's. His response, you were prepared for your dad's. I considered it a real possibility during our vacation in Hawaii.

And Leroy, just to let you know. I managed to get three mai tais down, starting on the plane. ;)

I toasted you with each one!

Sent by Sue Chap | 7:29 AM ET | 04-08-2008

Leroy,
You show courage every day, by opening up your heart to all of us. I remember when my father passed away--the days that followed were pretty awful--and I did wonder how I would get through it. Somehow, somewhere, I found the strength to face every day, and I can say now that I don't remember what I was like before that, but I feel blessed to be the person I am now.
You should too...even though you may feel less than human at times. At the core, you are still YOU.
Have a great day.

Sent by Kathleen, NJ | 7:41 AM ET | 04-08-2008

Pain and discomfort seem to be constant companions. So we adapt, accommodate, endure and soon it is as though this is accepted as to how we'll feel forever. This is our normal. Perhaps it is the best we will feel and there is no "feeling great" in our future. We can always Hope for better days but not stake our sanity on that becoming a reality. If it does come, it is a "gift", an unexpected gift which will brighten our day.

You have endured so much for so long, Leroy and we know that you will "get through it" for another day! Your heart, spirit and courage are on display each day for us who come here. We thank you. Prayers and blessings as always.

Sent by Al Cato | 7:57 AM ET | 04-08-2008

WOW! Today's post speaks volumes to me! Thanks, as always. When I get up in the morning I think, I'm winning! Take care.

Sent by Sandy Lathe | 8:09 AM ET | 04-08-2008

You have the right attitude. You continue to share your thoughts with us, which gives us strength. Thank you.
Prayers, Blessings and May The Grace Of God Be With You.
Wanda Amorose

Sent by Wanda Amorose | 8:16 AM ET | 04-08-2008

Your words, today, spoke to me. The courage we must find to get up and greet the new day. The pleasure we must garner despite the pain. As my 60th birthday approaches it is clear I will not feel like I did at 20, but it I really must appreciate the life I have now. It is a beautiful morning. And the coffee is good. And I will spend the afternoon with a friend. My best, Leroy. May something feel better today--or maybe just the coffee taste good. Townie

Sent by Townie7890 | 8:49 AM ET | 04-08-2008

Strength and Courage, and they walk hand in hand. Takeing things just one day at a time. You always amaze me as so many who post here. I guess we all have an inner strength to get us through the really tough times, strength that maybe we didn't even know we had. I think once we have came through those times and survived it is easier to accept the new normals in our life.

Leroy, you take care. Thank you for being there for all of us.

Sent by dorothy in oregon | 8:56 AM ET | 04-08-2008

Hi Leroy, You know, I hear all of the things people say about cancer patient -valient battle, struggle, etc. Think that it takes a lot of courage, inner strength and just plain old stamina. You seem to have it all; and you put one foot in front of the other and get through this life. It definitely is NOT where you planned on being at this point in your life; but I guess that G-d had a different plan for you. WHY - no clue - is it fair? Of course not. Take care of you and know that those of us out here in cyber world love you and pray for you - and of course much love to Laurie.

Jan

Sent by Janice Goldberg White | 8:58 AM ET | 04-08-2008

Leroy,
Thanks for your message today. All this week I have been getting messages to get off the "pity pot" and get something done. I have so much to be thankful for and need to focus on that.
Have a good day!
Charlotte in Rural Ridge, PA

Sent by Charlotte Kewish | 9:18 AM ET | 04-08-2008

Dear Leroy,
Your are talking about the difficulty of finding hope or knowing what to hope for while dealing with chronic pain and debility.

Healthy Survivorship is about embracing your life - whatever the circumstances - and finding happiness today while hoping for a better tomorrow.

Sometimes I think about how I felt in the past, but only when it helps me deal with today. Sometimes I look back to remind myself how far I've come, both in physical improvements in certain respects and in emotional growth, such as my accepting and adjusting to cancer-related losses and my life-enhancing reordering of priorities.

One great challenge of survivorship is determining when life would be better now by accepting a change or loss as permanent OR holding out hope for improvement. The first option brings that comforting sense of certainty, but it also brings the grief of extinguished hope. The second leaves the door open for hope, but it increases the frustration and disappointment of the current situation.

As a Healthy Survivor, I try to glean the best of both: For today, I accept today's pains and losses as permanent for now, and I try to make adjustments that will help me live as fully as possible within the current constraints. At the same time, in the back of my mind, I hold out hope that maybe next week or next month or next year specific losses or pains will be less. And with the guidance of my healthcare team, I take whatever available steps I can to increase the possibility for improvement.

This approach has helped me outlive my prognosis two-times over and, at the same time, live my life as fully as possible. And even if the best medical care and decisions hadn't afforded me a longer-than-expected lifespan, I would have known that I lived the best I could with the life I had.

With hope,
Wendy

Randy Pausch, the professor with pancreatic cancer whose "Last Lecture" is making waves all over the world, is the living embodiment of a Healthy Survivor.

Sent by Wendy S. Harpham, MD | 9:30 AM ET | 04-08-2008

The new normal. Yes. I'm not so sure courage is the right word though. I like the word strength better because it seems to me that we have no choice. Life the way it is- the new normal- is still life and,frankly, it beats the alternatives. That phrase about the alternatives was said by a friend of mine when I was complaining about trivia and she was in the late stages of breast cancer. but it's so true and always grounds me to reality and what is truly important. All the 'adjustments' we have to make beat the alternative. It takes courage to live (sometimes even a healthy life), but it takes fortitude and strength to adapt to all the hardships, and 'inconveniences' put in our way.
Leroy, you have strength. And a great attitude. That will see you through. The beauty of your blogs, and I have been a faithful reader and sometimes commenter, is how real and your blogs are. Thank you. I wish you well.

Sent by elm | 9:42 AM ET | 04-08-2008

Hey Leroy,
How right you are! Yesterday I went shopping for some new shoes (and yes, I thought about your post about shopping for shoes from a while ago) I've been wearing these low and rather clunky styles since I developed arthritis in my hip (after chemo, Tamoxifen, estrogen loss, etc., etc.) In spite of it all, I'm still young at heart, energetic and a free spirit (at almost 56!) I was yearning for something a little more sultry and sexy, so I started the shopping with that sort of thing in mind.

As I tried on a bunch of shoes, I came to the realization that a lot of this style stuff was in my head. I realized that, cancer or not, I'd kill myself if I tried to wear some of those little numbers with heels and no backs. Settling on a pair of strappy clogs that were comfy and walkable, I chuckled to myself as I reminded myself that at least I was still here, still working and still walking. A little slower, stiffer, softer, deeper and with gratitude to still be on the planet in spite of it all.

I guess we know more than many others about this changing reality thing. My best to you and Laurie and to all who lend support to each other on this blog.

Sent by betsey in albany ny | 9:51 AM ET | 04-08-2008

Leroy -
I keep hearing the line from Shawshank Redemption (which is one of those movies that makes you sit down and watch no matter when it's on) "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'" - Clearly you still have some livin' to do.
Thanks for sharing.

Sent by Tim | 10:08 AM ET | 04-08-2008

Hi Leroy,
Everyday I read your comments and am amazed at how grounded you are. After all you have been through and continue to go through, it is nice to hear what you have to say, ponder your thoughts and take them with me.

Thank you, have better days than bad, and God bless you and your loved ones who struggle with you.

Lianne

Sent by Lianne Friedman | 10:12 AM ET | 04-08-2008

Hi Leroy,
I read your comments everyday but I rarely respond. I figure enough people do that for me. But what you were talking about today was so much of what I am feeling I just had to say something about it. So few people understand how I feel unless they are
living it. Everyone is always saying how good I look, for someone with cancer is probably what they mean. But I also realize that this may be as good as I'll get to feel. After 2 years
of surgery and treatment, I can barely
remember how I felt before cancer and
that I'll never be that person again.
Sometimes I mourn that person and the things she could do, but I really don't have time for that. Time has a new meaning and I want to enjoy the time I have, even if that just means taking a nap in front of the TV, I love naps. You are right, it is amazing what we can get use to, what we can live with. More than we ever imagined. I may never be free of cancer but I'm living with it.
I don't think I'm terribly courageous
but I have a strong sense of survival,
and I'm a good patient. Very little complaining.
No one ever promised me life would be easy, and they were right. But
good days, bad days, I'm still here.

Sent by Susan in Maryland | 10:33 AM ET | 04-08-2008

Leroy,
I read your message today,& I found it to be so true. I have arthritis in my neck & hips and I keep plugging along one day at a time.
God Bless & keep going.

Sent by Ray Lackie | 10:49 AM ET | 04-08-2008

Dear Leroy,
It has been over two years since the onset of my husband's cancer. At this point in time I really don't remember what life was like living without cancer!

Prayers to all.

Sent by Sasha | 11:14 AM ET | 04-08-2008

I PRAY GOD WILL BLESS YOU AS YOU WIN TODAY. IT BRINGS TEARS AS I REMEMBER HOW ASHTON TOOK EACH DAY AS SHE WON EACH DAY UNTIL IT WON. I THOUGHT ABOUT GIFTS YOU WROTE ABOUT, SHE HAD PROBABLY 50 STUFF ANIMALS SHE LOVED UNTIL LATER AND WE GAVE THEM TO HANNAH HOME FOR THE CHILDREN. SHE GOT TO WHERE SHE DIDN'T WANT CANDY, SHE LOVED CUT FLOWERS, MOST OF THE TIME AND CD, MOVIES, SHE LOVED UNTIL SHE GOT TO WHERE SHE DIDN'T WATCH SHE JUST WANTED THE NOISE. ONE OF THE BEST GIFTS, WAS HER PEERS, WHEN THEY VISITED AND ONLY STAYED A FEW MINUTES, SHE ALWAYS SMILED. HOSPICE LEFT US FOR ONE DAY, AND I WILL NEVER FORGET; NO ONE TOLD ME TO PUSH THE PAIN BUTTON; I HAD ALWAYS BEEN TOLD NOT TO PUSH BUTTON SHE DID IT. NOT REALIZING IT WHEN I TRIED TO CHANGE HER I HURT HER SO BADLY. I ONLY WISH SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME BECAUSE I CAN'T TELL HER NOW HOW SORRY THAT I HURT HER AND I CAN'T FORGET IT. SO I THINK THE BEST GIFT IS SOME LITTLE SOMETHING THAT SAYS HEY! YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE LOVED AS YOU HAVE TOLD THE WORLD WHAT IT IS LIKE AS YOU GOT THOUGH THE BATTLE TO WIN. SO WIN THIS ONE AND THANK YOU SO MUCH.

Sent by MAVIS | 11:26 AM ET | 04-08-2008

You are one courageous dude, Leroy! But I sometimes wonder if hearing that from so many people puts pressure on you to live up to expectations? Facing reality and being human, you must feel grief or anger or fear sometimes. Sharing those feelings doesn't diminish your courage. In fact, I think we admire you even more for opening your heart day after day, even when you are feeling down. My situation isn't nearly as serious as yours (yet) but I can understand what you're saying about getting used to the new reality and hardly remembering what it was like before cancer.Besides constant fears of recurrence, I have pain from arthritis, bursitis, sciatica, and "post mastectomy pain" that my surgeon now says will probably never go away. And I've learned to accept all that -- just keep plodding along trying to ignore it. But when I hear healthy people whining about every little hangnail or irritation, I am not terribly sympathetic!

I hope you are surprised today by one thing that seems BETTER.

Sent by Doris | 11:49 AM ET | 04-08-2008

Leroy,

"guess I've gotten used to feeling bad. Now, I don't mean that to sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself. That's not it. You just get used to your new realities, good or bad. And it is always amazing what we can get used to. That's when you find out how strong you are. Not when you go through a crisis, but when you have to keep going through it day after day after day. When no matter how tough the previous day was, you have to get up and do it all over again. That's when courage comes in."

Quite so. I have nothing to add except blessings on you.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 12:13 PM ET | 04-08-2008

You said it Leroy, it takes courage and you have shown us all what that looks like, time after time. You are still that writer who I read every day for your Nightline updates. You touched me then, and now that we are both cancer thrivers, you speak to me with such eloquence and grace, I am honored to "know" you.
I'm hoping you will have a good day soon that will be a little respite. You deserve that and much more. God Bless!

Sent by cv | 12:49 PM ET | 04-08-2008

Leroy:Many of us struggle each day for the new normal. I know the hard part is taking each day as it comes but to be thankful that each day does come. We are just pilgrims on this journey. May the Lords grace shine us all.

Sent by Hal | 1:05 PM ET | 04-08-2008

My husband feels the same way - he doesn't know if he will ever feel better again. Leroy, thank you for describing the new normal so eloquently. You are strong and brave, and you help all of us too who are adapting and facing great challenges. Together we will win.

Sent by Tina from Alton IL | 2:03 PM ET | 04-08-2008

Leroy,

What you've shown us is that as long as you can get through to the next day, you've won.

Thanks,

MTS

Sent by Marshall T. Spriggs | 2:50 PM ET | 04-08-2008

Leroy!

That roller coaster seems to be so big sometimes, but I find for myself I have to try to enjoy the ride best I can.

It's so hard as you know, dealing with cancer. Some say I'm one of the lucky ones. They say I'm cancer free. I say give it time. I sometimes feel it's never over. But as you know, attitude is the key. I try to find the humor in it all. It's just a nervous reaction I think but laughing keeps me going when times get tough.

I liken it to thinking outside of the box. I get angry and sad, but the laughter gives me energy. We all want that home with the white picket fence and then life slaps you in the face and says, "Get over it!"

Some of us have more important things to dream about. Surviving! Your strength and your courage help people like me who are on the roller coaster with you survive the ride. Thank you!

If you have time, come visit my blog and share a seat with me.

Peace B

Sent by Brian Walin | 3:01 PM ET | 04-08-2008

Leroy, It is amazing what the human body can take. It adapts, it overcomes, it modifies. The spirit is also adaptable, and necessary in this fight. Your spirit is just fine, keep swinging. Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 3:06 PM ET | 04-08-2008

Dear Leroy: adjusting to the norm of pain every day - it's really something. My husband has cluster headaches - pretty much nightly, and sometimes daily too. Yet he holds down a job and doesn't take time off. Admittedly he has his own business and can sleep in but still gets in the same hours all the time. I've been amazed for 20 years now of our 24-year marriage that he can cope with this kind of pain (worse than migraines) and keep going because in his words "it's just what you do." Lots of people in his situation have committed suicide after years of the pain. You really can get used to what used to knock you to the floor. I wish you both didn't have to though - that's for sure. I'm hoping that you Leroy regularly schedule rewards for yourself. I say schedule because with everything you're dealing with it's easy to forget that you need them. Whether it's going for a short drive to see the Spring flowers, birdwatching out the window, your favorite soup brought home from a restaurant or whatever, - it seems meaningful when you decide to give yourself these little rewards and set them up. You deserve every minute of enjoyment and all the fun you can stand to help with the struggle to get to it.

Sent by Linda "K" | 3:16 PM ET | 04-08-2008

Dear Leo
You have shown real courage, day after day, month in and month out. I am truly humbled by your willingness each day to get out there and fight this beast. Not that someone who makes a different choice is any less than you: that's a different type of courage. I sometimes wonder if, in your situation, I would have the emotional strength to keep on fighting so hard. Probably? Yes. I hope I would. And if my own beast returns, I hope I will.

Sent by Alycia Keating | 5:11 PM ET | 04-08-2008

Leroy,
Your strength -as always - is very motivating. Particularly this past week or so, your posts have shown increasing strength no matter how persistant the beast.

Thank you for what you give me each day

Sent by Jeff B | 5:49 PM ET | 04-08-2008

Leroy,
Thank you for your wonderful post today. You are such an inspiration to me as I begin this stage IV cancer journey. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sent by Mary C | 6:53 PM ET | 04-08-2008

Sue Chap: Mourning is a process (not a competition). You loved them both and you might also be extra sad since they are both gone now. I am so sorry for your loss.

Leroy: this was absolutely touching! All I can hope for you is a little better every day.

Also - I have been in bed with a stomach bug (not cancer, but not fun) all day (breaking my rule: as a stay-at-home-mom I don't let myself watch TV during the day, NPR is OK) and I totally agree: way way way too many pharma commercials! Have seen 3 in the ten minutes that I have been writing this!

(PS 4th commercial!)

Sent by Liz L. | 6:56 PM ET | 04-08-2008

Leroy- Your daily blogs are insprirational. You are so brave and there are so many with cancer following your story, finding comfort and sometimes familiar symptoms. I have had cancer twice and been through two six month rounds of chemo and the nerve pain in the legs does get better. Nerves do regenerate and the pain will get better! Hang in there and thanks!

Sent by Corey | 9:24 PM ET | 04-08-2008

Leroy, You continue to amaze me. You are the strongest person I "know", except for my husband when he was facing the monster.
Sasha, I always look for your post, to see how you and he are holding up. I feel for you,
Jane

Sent by Jane from AR | 9:37 PM ET | 04-08-2008

I read your blog from the beginning & watched the documentary. I'm impressed with "the fight in this dog". I smiled at the ups and was saddened with the downs. I???m a newbie to the club. I had the cancer removed from my breast (cancer free?) but now have radiation & hormone therapy. I thought this would be it. I found out I have the same gene that caused my brother???s colon cancer at 38 (HNPCC). Now that I have Lynch Syndrome, they want to operate in 6 weeks to remove all the female parts. I thought it would be over and done with after the breast surgery and here I stand corrected. It continues. I also feel strange at 41 when I walk in for radiation and there sits either a child or someone in their 60???s. I don???t seem to fit anywhere. Although I know cancer has no preference.
I also never said, ???Why me???? Not once.
Why not me? All of my family has had cancer of some sort. My brother said years earlier to watch out because I had a bullet with my name on it. He was right, as usual.
You are one tough, junkyard dog. And I think that???s what it takes to survive. Thank you for letting the rest of us in through your blog.

Sent by Beth | 10:05 PM ET | 04-08-2008

This is for MAVIS. Please don't torture yourself. Ashton would not want that. Everyone makes mistakes. Your love shines and wherever Ashton is, that's where it's felt.

Sent by Paulette | 10:33 PM ET | 04-08-2008

Computer finally back after three weeks. I spent most of my time tonight checking names to see who all is still here and so glad for those of you who are like old friends...JCR, Stan, Al and those I've not room to list.

Hope Ruth White has done well with her surgery. Cindy, know how you miss Rob. We had a bad bout this weekend, again, missing Burge. The oldest son, 23, got a little over whelmed with the farm gearing up for Spring and his emotional let down seemed to overcome us all but today was better.

Sasha, hope things are holding in there, and Leroy...what courage. I guess sometimes we have to keep going because there isn't any other option.

I returned to the local hospital last Tuesday to get a Boniva I.V. transfusion and the moment I stepped through the door I lost it. The smell, although very clean, brought back memories and even though I took another hallway to the lab, I wanted so badly to run to room 202 and find Burge as I had so many other times. I go back in three months and hopefully it won't be so hard.

Nikki

Sent by Nikki | 11:19 PM ET | 04-08-2008

Leroy,
I love your courage and your honesty. I did not do well on chemo and felt like I was "failing" at it and everything else b/c I couldn't care for my 17 month old twins at the time. My husband would tell me that "just getting out of bed each day" was good and that I was doing a good job. I so needed to hear that and I would remind myself of his words from time to time. He never had cancer so I don't know how he knew. You are so right.

I also love the humor in your posts. That should get better... I have heard that too. I was laughing out loud when you were describing the fast talking drug warnings on tv "may cause cancer" and then added your "What."

Like all of your faithful readers. I wish you comfort and will continue to pray and send love. Jen

Sent by Jennifer in CA | 11:27 PM ET | 04-08-2008

Leroy--you have been an inspiration to me and I will keep you in my prayers. I know there are a million things more pressing on your mind right now, but perhaps in a spare moment here or there, might you think about writing your post on Harry Potter? You generously said we could have 2 months to finish before you comment and I've been waiting most patiently... ;) Seriously though, Harry Potter post or no, I will be keeping you in my thoughts.

Sent by esther | 12:22 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experience with all of us. I admire your courage; I'm inspired everyday I read your blog! You're in my thoughts.

Sent by Cindy L. | 12:52 AM ET | 04-09-2008

Yes, cancer is a new reality unfortunately, I wish you the best and hope that you may recover in full

Sent by Alison | 3:25 PM ET | 04-10-2008