Your courage is impressive,it must be exhausting to have gone through so much. For the "time out" would you consider learning meditation? Also give another thought to Hospice. As a hospice volunteer I know that the six month rule
does not always apply I have known patients discharged because they reached a plateau and stayed there once their pain was controlled and counseling helped their feelings of sadness and despair.
Hang in there, there is always hope.
Carol

Sent by Carol Dymond | 8:33 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Leroy, well said. Try to have a good day. Give Laurie a big hug. I am sure she really needs one as well as you. I hope the sun is shining brightly for you today. It helps.

Sent by dorothy in oregon | 8:50 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Maybe, a healthy prospective is a matter of acknowledging our fears and trusting in change?

Hold Fast

Sent by Don MacLeod | 8:53 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Leroy - Everytime one of your procedures is described, I wonder to myself... "I don't know how the guy does it".
It is without question the hardest thing you will ever do.
Just keep doing it.

Sent by Tim | 9:09 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Leroy you are an inspiration to all the cancer people. You express what we all feel and it is so good to read it and know that you are not alone. We are all with you and I pray for you and you family.

Sent by Marian | 9:09 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Hello Leroy,
Man you asked a hard question yesterday, but you got through yesterday, and that is a small victory. You inspired everyone who commented, at least yesterday, to come forward and be apart of your wonderful life. There is value in this blog. There is hope in this blog, there is humility in all you say, and do. Inspire us again today Leroy, lets us know that you think life is worth living.

May our heavenly Master look kindly upon you, Leroy. May the Lord bring you peace today.

Sent by Donato Salazar | 9:19 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Leroy, you summed it up perfectly. It is unrelenting, it wears you down, and you just get tired of it all. "Worn down" sums up how I feel, mentally, if not always physically.
Interestingly - I usually feel cheerier when I get out of the house. Could part of what you're suffering be cabin fever? Even if people come visit you, even with the wonders of the internet, not getting out can leave you feeling isolated. Try and get out for a brief, easy outing, even if it's just a cup of coffee at Starbucks.
Thinking of you and Laurie and hoping for brighter days ahead -
Marcia

Sent by Marcia Greer | 9:24 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Once again, you are right on. Physically I'm fine. It's the mental game that's exhausting. I'm trying to distract myself with new activities. It's going ok. Hope you can do the same.

Sent by Lisa | 9:25 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Leroy,

You're comments made me think about something a friend who has MS said, "I'm tired of this game, I want to play something else". But she doesn't have that choice either. What else can you say but, "I'm sorry"?

Sent by Marcia | 9:25 AM ET | 05-08-2008

While I don't live in Cancer World, I do suffer from chronic back pain - 3 years and counting. But NOTHING like what you have been dealt. From the perspective of my back pain though, I have seen what constant fatigue, pain, and general irritation have done to my temperment.

If you aren't sad, or depressed, or just angry out of your mind about what you have had to deal with, you would have to be a saint.

Hang in there Leroy. You are a brave man and you have the perfect partner in Laurie who by all accounts is a brave and awesome woman.

Sent by robin, Fairfax VA | 9:37 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Hi Leroy. I didn't write about depression yesterday because I am so profoundly down I felt paradoxically that I could not help. Your subject today made me think of the butterfly people, who have a rare disease that causes their skin to blister or tear off at the slightest touch. They never ever get a break from the pain from infancy until the time that something like skin cancer takes them out of the game. I remember watching that when I had cancer and thinking "I get *some* breaks. These people never get any respite at all." I hate to try to make you feel better by saying it could be worse. It's not quite what I am trying to convey. I am wishing for you some respite, some relief, some forgetting. It's hard watching you fight this fight and not be able to help. I'm not a religious person but I do pray and I'm praying for you today. For relief.

Sent by Alycia Keating | 9:49 AM ET | 05-08-2008

"Fatigue makes cowards of us all." I don't know who first said that but I do know that I draw on those words often. You are truly an inspiration to all of us. Marlene

Sent by Marlene Christenson | 9:54 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Leroy,

I don't live in Cancer world and while a daily reader of your blog, that is really the only way I know you, so I can't comment properly, but I'll try.

Yesterday was one of the days where I try to read everyone else's comments and not just your comments - wow, what alot of insight. And today I think you have clarified quite well.

As a reader of the blog, I see you handling your cancer and treatments with grace, courage, and strength. I also see you taking the healthy moments as shown by your post the other day about the bird outside. That sounded like a breather between rounds to me.

I do keep praying for you.

Sent by Geoff | 10:07 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Leroy,
It sounds like you are losing some of the inner strength that got you this far. I think what you've said holds true for a lot of us--there is work, kids, marriage, and the list goes on...and we can all feel worn down and tired of fighting to get through the day. What I've learned is that we have to take a minute and breathe. Be still. Because really, no matter how hard things get--you must find it within yourself to go forward. Being stuck stinks but the gift we've all been given is time, and we have to use it wisely.

Sent by Kathleen, NJ | 10:09 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Dear Leroy and all,

We are talking about the real core issues of dealing with cancer. The problem is that in my case I can tell that I am giving back a little with each passing day. I don't feel as well as when I first started cancer treatment. How I feel controls everything!! I get so much strength from this blog - "my cancer family". I am so normal in this journey!!!

Thank you so much Leroy for all your efforts to help all of us to better understand our situations.

Love to all,
Betty Lewis

Sent by Betty K. Lewis | 10:11 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Leroy,

Cancer world definitely is not for sissies. You sound stronger today.
Hang in there.

Thoughts and prayers.
Kathy

Sent by Kathy | 10:44 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Hi, Leroy.
My cancer center offers a free meditation class. It became that one hour a week where I got a break from everything else, including the chatter in my head. I was amazed at the rejuvenation powers of this simple ritual.
--LIz.

Sent by Liz Cratty | 10:46 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Hi Leroy,

I think you'd be a very unusual person if, after all you've been through, you didn't feel depressed, worn-out.....just the gamut of emotions...after all you and your body have been through. My dear father developed one illness several years ago that cascaded into multiple increasingly more serious problems that, ultimately, left Dad unable to walk even short distances in our home without severe difficulty. He needed 24/7 oxygen at high levels for quite a few years. He struggled for every breath even while lying flat in bed. Dad worked as a lineman all his working life....strong as an oak tree, both physically and emotionally, with a ready smile for everyone. I think becoming dependent on others for all of his, even most basic, needs was the most difficult thing for Dad to deal with...more than the physical pain and the constant trips to the ER and hospital stays. Even then, he had that smile for everybody. How he handled everything with such grace is unfathomable to me. My long-winded point is he, of course, became "down" because of what he was going through....much more, I'm sure, than he ever let us know. At one point Dad, Mom and I asked his cardiologist if he thought a low dose of an antidepressant might be beneficial. He asked Dad if he had a history of depression before he became ill. Dad said, "No, I've never had a problem with this before and I wish I could just get over it.". His doctor said, "Well, you've never been in this boat before either, have you?" Along with all his other medications he did add in another one...a low dose of a common SSRI. After a few weeks Dad did say he felt a bit "easier" about everything. Whether it was because of the antidepressant or a placebo effect or he'd found some peace with his situation in some other way, I don't know and I really don't care. The fact that he felt a bit more untroubled is all that matters to me.

Your daily update is the first thing I read in the morning, Leroy. I hope the good wishes that I, along with everyone else who "keeps track" of you, find their way to you.

Nancy

Sent by Nancy | 10:49 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Leroy, when I read your message and some of the others, I thought of that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you wake up and realize that your life has been turned upside down in some way. Do you feel that or have you been in your "C" world so long that it is natural? I HATE that feeling..

I don't have cancer but I have a son who was burned 90% over his body. He survived but I STILL awake with that feeling. Depression, fatigue or sadness.. It really doesn't matter the name.. Same old, same old.. But some days are better than others..

God bless and may His angels surround you and Laurie EVERY day!!

Sent by Patsy Elmore | 10:59 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Dear Leroy,
After what you have endured and must continually deal with, it's only human to feel exhaustion, anger, even despair at times. My hope and fervent prayer is that you WILL get a "time out" soon when your mind is at peace and the pain relieved. In the meanwhile, please remember to listen for the birds every morning -- and even if we can't really help carry your heavy burden, know how many people love and respect you and are walking beside you in spirit.

Sent by Doris | 11:01 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Leroy,
What a source of strength you offer to so many! I am reminded of a bit of wisdom from an ALS patient. She said, "We are not our bodies." When I think of you, I don't think of your body (although I certainly acknowledge the torture it has experienced). I think of your spirit...and it is powerful, strong, and towering. Thank you for sharing that spirit.

Sent by Julie | 11:11 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Leroy,
Throughtout my treatments I always tried to maintain a positive outlook and stay strong for my young family. I fought hard to be stronger than my cancer and not let it get to me emotionally. But one day when the pain was the worst I didn't think I could go on. I would have cried but that only increased the pain. I had given up. The strange thing was, that one day of letting down my guard, of not putting energy into the fight had somehow releived some of my burden. The next day felt a little better. I had somehow accepted it and could now put all my evergy into the physical fight. It is always darkest just before dawn.

You are a saint for using your illness to help so many other people.

God Bless
Rick

Sent by Rick Mylor | 11:24 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Having an illness is one thing, but feeling really bad everyday is another. And thats what I pray for everday, that all the Leroys of the world just have a good feeling day. No pain, just to feel decent. So I hope today is one of those days.

Sent by DiAnn | 11:36 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Leroy -
Your last few blogs have really hit home. I had my own meltdown earlier this week for this very reason - I just want a break. I cursed, I cried, I even curled up and put a blanket over my head as if I could hide from it all. Then I picked up a book from my bedside table, Keep Going: The Art of Perseverance by Joseph M. Marshall III. I opened it to find these nuggets of wisdom:

"When our spirit tells us it is time to weep, we should weep. It is part of the ritual of putting sadness in perspective and gaining control of the situation...the first step toward regaining balance and strength. Grieving helps purge the sense of loss and anger."

"How we face a storm is important, but so is the fact that we simply try to endure it."

So we continue to endure and look towards a brighter day. Or we just hide under the covers for a few minutes.

Sent by Patte | 12:00 PM ET | 05-08-2008

Leroy,

My immediate response this morning was, "Leroy, ask for what you want." I don't know why that happened, except that "depression" and "fatigue" are really vague terms. Maybe if you break them down into their component parts and ask for what you want for relief, it might help. Hope so.

Blessings.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 12:15 PM ET | 05-08-2008

One of the necessary lessons I seemed to learn from my husband's cancer before I started dealing with mine was that God does seem to give you the ability to "do" anything you have to do! But yes, the depression magnifies the exhaustion! Do get a little help with that "pain". The proverbial hang in there is in order again today. We are all beside you!

Sent by Lucy | 12:42 PM ET | 05-08-2008

"Courage"
"Brave"
"Saint"
"I don't know how you do it."
"Please continue what you are doing. We need you."
All words and sentiments used about you and your blog.

Such words are great to hear but I wonder if being the object of such strong, emotional and even reverent words may be a heavy burden to bear. You've been dealing with your disease and have been writing for quite a while. Dealing with the daily task of thinking of what to say for another day may be too much for you to give.

To outsiders to watch cancer patients and their families deal with what comes their way is humbling... most need to immediately change their schedules and lives so they can deal with the appointments, treatments, medication side effects and loss of previous abilities. To watch these people outsiders feel grateful it's not their burden and are amazed how strong these people are, seemingly almost superhuman, with their abilities to cope and manage the new world they have entered.

But when asked how they do it, most would say... "What other choice do I have? I'm just doing what I need to do. Just doing what should be done. I'm just hanging on." Most people are strong and find unknown reserves to meet the uninvited challenges they face.

I only point this out so that we don't create another burden for those who are carrying the additional burden of a chronic or terminal illness by placing them on a pedestal of unreasonable expectations that makes it difficult for them to say they are tired, scared, sad and would just like to hide from the world for a little while.

Sent by Leslie | 1:33 PM ET | 05-08-2008

Dear Leroy,
You continue to say it so well! My suggestion for getting that "time-out" is breathing. Five or ten minutes of quiet, deep breathing. Focus only on the breath, and set a timer. Maybe not as beneficial as meditating for an hour, but definitely helpful at so many levels, including cellular. You would be amazed at what 5 - 10 minutes can do for your brain, your soul, and your energy.
Continued prayers for you and Laurie.

Sent by Laura | 1:51 PM ET | 05-08-2008

Yes Leroy,
"Getting Weary" is my new saying.
I just can't help it. Depression is in there, and fatigue, but seriously weary.
Oh drat, we're normal.
Prayers, Blessings and May The Grace Of God Be With You.
Wanda Amorose

Sent by Wanda Amorose | 2:52 PM ET | 05-08-2008

This didn't get sent with the first part of my message so here it is.

Leroy -- ask yourself if this blog is helping or hurting you.. Consider a break.... Consider writing less frequently...... consider anything that makes life better for you. It might very well be that the daily writing give you purpose and something to focus on as you think ahead to the next day's blog. If so, then write on!

Do what's best for you. All would understand whatever you do is the right decision for you. Be as decisive with the blog and what's best for you as you have been with your physicians and the treatments you've chosen or rejected.

And yes and by the way, I think you're brave, strong and a saint and a wonderful example of how to live with the diagnosis and treatment of cancer.

Best wishes to you...

Sent by Leslie | 3:08 PM ET | 05-08-2008

Leroy,
I watch my husband dealing with cancer and all he has been through and I don't know how he does it but he always finds the strength and keeps his sense of humor most of the time. You are right about 24/7. It's always there and there are no breaks but like I said last week when you asked your readers to finish the sentence..he has learned to adapt to everything. May not be what we want but it makes the journey a little easier. All of you are truly amazing. God Bless.

Sent by kathie | 3:26 PM ET | 05-08-2008

"I think it's not so much that I'm depressed, it's that I'm worn down."

Well depression is a sneaky thing, though. It presents itself as other things. Lack of energy, lack of motivation, lethargy, feeling worn out...

Things like chronic pain can CAUSE depression. The mental strain of dealing with cancer can CAUSE depression. Yes you are worn out mentally and physically, but you also sound depressed. I very rarely comment, but I read your blog every day. I am not a doctor, but I have struggled with chronic depression since my teens. Depression and I know each other intimately. I'd say without question you're not just worn out; you're depressed.

You know better than anyone that length of life is not nearly as important as quality of life. Through all of this you keep acknowledging that it's only a matter of time before cancer takes you. But all that time you have maintained such a wonderful attitude and high quality of life. You have lifted the spirits of your readers daily. You have spread hope to countless people.

I've watched your high spirits slowly decline, and that's absolutely understandable, but I hate to see you struggle like I did for so many years. My depression is my lifelong demon, but for people who don't have a chronic problem with it, it is usually brought on my stressful life circumstances. You have been under incredible stress - it's no wonder you are depressed.

I've been there. Being depressed is awful. But you don't have to live there, Leroy. There is help. I got help and it restored my quality of life; the demon I fought is finally at bay. I said it yesterday but I'll say it again, there is no shame in getting help through therapy and meds. It saddens me how many people resist meds and therapy. They think that somehow they can just suck it up and muster a good mood. When you are depressed you can't just suck it up. You simply can't.

Don't hesitate to get help, Leroy. Once you are feeling better you'll be asking yourself why you didn't do it sooner. Are meds and therapy miracles cures? Of course not. At the end of the day you will still have cancer and chronic pain to deal with. But it help can lift you up enough that you are better able to deal with cancer, and will restore some of your quality of life, and restore some of your hope. Depression is something people don't have to be a slave to. You have enough on your plate.

Sent by Susan Metters | 3:44 PM ET | 05-08-2008

Yes, the constant being tired is the hardest part of this. I have tried to keep a positive out look on the whole ordeal, but like you say it would be nice to have a break. My cancer keep moving around on me, and just won't let up. The most recent was a brain tumer, but I also have lung tumers that are keeping life interesting. Some time it won't keep me on my toes, but I am not counting on that.

Sent by Steve Schneider | 3:44 PM ET | 05-08-2008

Leroy, The battle is raging each day, whether it is the first thing you think of or the last. As a cancer patient it is always with you. This is by far the most difficult thing with which to deal. Sometimes days go by and I look back and see nothing done. At least in terms of how I used to measure myself. The disease changes everything down to the smallest. Everyday is different, so planning is difficult. I guess everything on this path is difficult. Tomorrow I get the results of my latest scans and blood work. Waiting is the pits. Thoughts, Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 4:25 PM ET | 05-08-2008

Hi Leroy,

I don't know what to say,, so I'll just say the truth. I pray for you every night. I hope it and you get better.

Sent by Marcy in NJ | 4:36 PM ET | 05-08-2008

I just read Susan Metters' comments, and WOW, no one could say it any better. She understands what many others do not - that when you are truly depressed, listening to music, playing with children, hugging your wife, etc. have NO effect on cheering you up. Depression is very different than sadness.
Susan is so right when she writes, "Once you are feeling better you'll be asking yourself why you didn't do it sooner." Leroy, you owe it to yourself to try an antidepressant. Cancer is hard enough, I can't bear to see you suffer so much emotional pain too.

Sent by Emily | 4:40 PM ET | 05-08-2008

Hi Leroy;
Whew...I really admire your fortitude; I know you say that you are tired and rightly so but I see your journey as more of a mountain climb...there is only one goal...to reach the top. Climbers get pauses and brief rests but don't they mainly work 24/7 to reach the top? I just want to cheer you on today my friend. We are all your fans and admirers who are wanting you to win the goal that you have been working for. I am standing by waving and smiling and telling you "YOU CAN DO IT!!!". Lots of prayers going up and hugs coming your way.

Sent by Denise from Ohio | 5:39 PM ET | 05-08-2008

Leroy,
I've been doing this for eleven years now; stage 4 and everything. It's called battle fatigue and it can pull you to your knees. Meds HELP. Don't deny yourself a good option. At least go on the meds. on a trial basis, then you be the judge. What do you really have to lose?

Kate

Sent by Kate | 5:55 PM ET | 05-08-2008

I wonder if this is in the same category as your entry two days ago: not knowing that nerves can be affected by radiation. I say that because after being totally fatiqued for a year and a half after chemo, I mentioned it to a nurse because I was concerned that perhaps something else was going on. She said, "Oh, that's perfectly natural after chemotherapy." Why don't they tell you up front what you can expect? Are they afraid you might not like it? Why? So, perhaps, depression is yet another "side-effect" they fail to mention.

Sent by Marilyn Trujillo | 6:56 PM ET | 05-08-2008

Leroy,
I've been following your blog for a long time. I'm living with the same type of cancer you are. At times I've been jealous because you have all sorts of treatment options while I've only been given one - chemo. I've had my ups and downs, as you have. It's so hard living with cancer and knowing it's probably terminal, especially when so many people are looking to you to win the battle.

Over Easter, Holy Thursday to be exact, I had a revelation about what the feeling was exactly that I was feeling. I realized that no matter how many people are with me, I am alone on this journey. The cross to bear is mine, and no one can help. I was feeling absolute loneliness. And I felt so close to God at that point, who was so very alone as well. Few people have the opportunity to really have that feeling, and I felt priveleged.

I don't wish that loneliness on anyone, but I do wish that feeling of oneness that came out of it for you. It's an awesome feeling. God bless.

Sent by Pam | 7:28 PM ET | 05-08-2008

Good luck with your test results, Stan.Jen

Sent by jen | 7:35 PM ET | 05-08-2008

I agree with you. I am so sick of this constant focus on cancer. I want a day (or week) off. My doc and I decided that I would take 3 weeks off before we try a new chemo. Of course that did not work. I ended up with another related medical problem and spent 3 days in the hospital. How could I really have a break anyways when I am reminded of my cancer when I swallow 40 pills a day. I am burnt out on Cancer and I still have a ways to go.

Sent by Jill | 7:52 PM ET | 05-08-2008

Susan Metters~ It is so sad to hear that you seem to have suffered from deep depression for these many years, since childhood. And the Meds haven't helped you? What is the cause of cronic depression? Have you dealt with cancer all your life? I sure hope that Leroy and the rest who wrote yesterday were inspired by your input. I was not.

Sent by J C R | 8:36 PM ET | 05-08-2008

Wow Susan, You must be reading my mind.
Well said!
Leroy
You are amazing and you continue to give us the strength we need to keep going through our own cancer struggles.
We're all going down a similar path with different twists and turns.
Chin up old friend.

Sent by Debbie | 9:25 PM ET | 05-08-2008

Leroy:

I don't have any words of wisdom to share other than I wholeheartedly hope that you will consider some of the suggestions made by others before me. My husband deals with anxiety everyday and has had to try various medications to combat it. He's a strong man but when the body needs help, it needs help.
I was glad to see Leslie's message. I am selfish and will admit that I would hate to see the blog end so know that I'm not suggesting you stop writing forever -- but perhaps a "blog vacation" would be healthy. You bring so much wisdom, courage and support to all of us. However, what's really important is YOUR health and overall well-being.

Wishing you and Laurie a calm, restful weekend.

Rhonda H

Sent by Rhonda Howard | 9:35 PM ET | 05-08-2008

A fun movie for you to watch is What About Bob? Not only is it extremely funny, but it taught me the wisdom of taking small baby steps.

I went through chemo and life all by myself with no one to help me. Sometimes it was all I could do to open a can of soup and have that to eat. Sometimes it was real difficult to lean over and fill the cat's bowl with water (anemic then). Grocery shopping was a nightmare and bringing groceries upstairs would totally knock me out - so everything was done in Baby Steps. I would bring up groceries and then sit and rest for 30 minutes, then repeat. Living alone I was able (without shame or pressure) to let my housekeeping just go. Sometimes the neighbor kids would bring up my groceries for me. I did most of what I had to do on my up days of the cycle, which towards the end were never up days.

But I have found most men mourn the loss of their physical strength the most, thinking it as part of their manhood lost.(whether due to old age or illness). Start saying "Thank God I can still do THIS, Thank God I can still do THAT, Thank God I can walk up to Lori and hug her and give her a kiss!"

If you write your blog every day, this contributes to the 24/7 having to think about Cancer every day - why not write a week's worth at a time, thereby giving you permission not to have to concentrate on it daily. And maybe in one or two of those weekly writeups you give us some "Thank God's" of cheer.

And while I again probably sound cold, I want to say that I could never have handled as much as happened to you - but my journey with cancer has probably just started as yours did several years ago with a remission and perhqps a reocurrance like yours.

Sent by Maureen Kennedy | 10:09 PM ET | 05-08-2008

Leroy, As the t-shirt says...Cancer Sucks. But Cancer Survivors Rock. I know it's hard. But hang in there. Maybe a drink w/ one of those little umbrellas is in order. Put on some Bob Marley or Jimmy Buffet...and just pretend. And cut yourself a break - cancer is tough, and very tiring. And being overtired does color everything else. Sometimes just remembering that helps. Feel Better.

Sent by Beth | 10:36 PM ET | 05-08-2008

Hi Leroy, You know, I think that you are right. As I have said before, I have not had cancer, but I have had several major surgeries with lots of complications and long recuperations. Pain and not feeling well and just the whole thing gets one down and then fatigued and THEN FEELING SORRY AND THINKING WHY ME? Truth, I don't think that I have ever heard you FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF OR SAY WHY ME. You are an incredible person and a wonderful example for many of us.

Take care and know that many are sending prayers and love to you.

Jan

Sent by Janice Goldberg White | 11:40 PM ET | 05-08-2008

I didn't understand what fatigue was until yesterday. They told me during radiation I would feel 'tired'. I said, Who doesn't?"
I have been fine & then the kids needed me to do many things for them yesterday. At one point I stood in in the kitchen and stopped to breath & my body felt like jello. I had to stop what I was doing & take another break. Fatigue can cripple a person. Tired is just a passing yawn, very different.
I hope for one of your aches/pains to fall to the wayside. Thank you for your blog.

Sent by B.A. | 11:45 PM ET | 05-08-2008

I don't have cancer, and I am not very eloquent. Yet I must Thank You for your insights. My Dad was a very quiet man. He had cancer and refused to talk about the Beast. I think I understood more of what he was feeling because of you. You have been a blessing to me. Stay strong even though you are weary.

Sent by Nancy from PA | 11:59 PM ET | 05-08-2008

Hang in ther Leroy. I hope soon yuo will find some comfort. It is tiring hurting all the time. But you are still feeling, and fighting. Thats a good thing.

Sent by ellie | 12:15 AM ET | 05-09-2008

Hi Leroy/All,
I just want to say how fortunate we are to have this blog. I know I am a little late in posting about the depression issue but I just wanted to make a comment.

I have been suffering from depression since the onset of menopause, before my husband got sick. I have been to many therapists and tried all of the antidepressants. They work well for some people and not not so well for others. I think you are the type of person who has the courage and strength to pull throuh this. Hang in there big guy!

I would also like to thank all the people on the blog who have "opened my eyes" about the drinking to get rid of the greif. You are all correct, it is only a temporary fix. God bless us all.

Sent by sasha321 | 12:57 AM ET | 05-09-2008

Leroy, Exhaustion, that is a good addition. I have been fortunate to have a minimum of pain so far. But I am always tired. I have to force myself out of bed in the morning and am worthless until noon. I guess I should thank God for what I have and look at the bright side. I'm alive and in little pain. Peace and all good.

Sent by Robert G | 1:54 AM ET | 05-09-2008

yep!--the hardest thing you've done---and that is saying ALOT-since you have witness and lived in war and disaster.

A very old Sufi man a couple of years before he died said something to me I will never forget. He said--We are not meant to suffer. I'm not sure how come we don't get this. I really think he was right.

God grant you unexpected strength and peace Leroy!

Sent by linda | 2:54 AM ET | 05-09-2008

While I'm fortunately in remission (AML), I think about my cancer everyday. The anxiety of living with it everyday is fatiguing. I saw my oncologist a couple of days ago who pointed out a number on my blood tests that "we'll just keep an eye out for" otherwise I'm doing OK. Just that phrase leaves open the possibility of relapse. But Leroy I admire your courage and strength as you endure the pains and treatments. Each of us here have our battles picked for us in our various stages of this disease. And we are at least learning how others cope. This in itself has been so helpful.

Sent by Dorothy - Los Angeles | 3:28 AM ET | 05-09-2008

Leroy,

Here I am again, late at night, reading your blog and thinking about yesterdays question about depression. I will offer two more things that I've tried that seem to work. I got the ideas from other responders and started as soon as I finished writing my response yesterday. At 3:30 AM I was able to get out of bed without waking my wife or dog, the two smart ones in the family, and made it to the kitchen to savor a chocolate chip cookie. I know that I was bad but it was so good. Several responders said they turned to food to help their depression and it did help me too. Not for long but even a short break is worth it. Then after five hours sleep I had to go the airport to pick up our son. On our way home he asked me if I'd like to go with him to the Jazz Bakery. I didn't know the group that was playing but several responders said that they turned to music so I said "why not". It had been over three years since I've been out like this and we had a great time. The group was good, the five jazz greats are showing their age but they can still play. We sat through two sets and I drifted off into a better state of mind. It was also good to know that for a few hours that I wasn't the oldest guy on the block. So I hope you can find a few things that you can do, things that you love, that will help turn down the pain and the depression if only for a few minutes every day. Maybe it doesn't have to be 24/7 battle. Maybe 23 hours and 55 minutes is enough of a battle some days. Do something you love to do whether it's your work, eating a cookie like your mom used to make or listening to your favorite record.

Sent by Walt from LA | 5:36 AM ET | 05-09-2008

I think most cancer patients deal with the constant struggle. In my almost 10 years of dealing with the CLL (leukemia) growing inside of me, psychologically and physically, it is wearing. I just started another clinical trial and was quite sick, nauseated, teeth-chattering chill, the whole nine yards. I questioned that, even if this were a cure, would I do 10 rounds of this, every two weeks? I would get a breather, but then plunged into misery for five days? I said no at the worst of times, but I would try to do my best.

This, is cruel and unusual punishment. Isn't that against the law?

Sent by Scott S. | 2:59 PM ET | 05-09-2008

Leroy and friends,
I am a couple of days late in posting my comments. It has been a week of scans, MRI, bloodwork and doctor visits to find out why my body has not recovered to 'normal' levels six months after the end of the chemo. I am fortunate that I feel well enough to go on with my life, but we all know the burden of carrying the beast around with us.
I am not an expert at depression, but I felt it during my chemo..the constant struggle, either physical, mental or both. What worked to get me through were my two Siberian Huskies ! The older one is very loyal and she would sit with me for hours if need be.
The little one never cared if I was sick or not; she came up to me and wanted to play whenever she was bored. It was easier to ignore my own feelings when I concentrated on her. She was a special gift in a difficult time. When she died suddenly last month of a brain aneuresym, I felt more empty than I had in a long time.
There are no easy answers, as our difficult journeys are all unique. The community of caring that Leroy and everyone has created is helping all of us. In some way, every day, a key message reaches one of us. That shining idea should help with the sadness that surrounds us all. May God bless each of you with the gift that you need in the coming days.

Sent by Lou Loggi | 9:01 AM ET | 05-10-2008

I am a 52 year old prostate cancer patient. It is not necessarily in remission. I wil find out a little more
Next month.Due catching before it was too too late. i have some years left anyhow.It has become a plus for me though. I work though any depression anddo what I have to do. I have found that most of it is my mental state. I am enjoying my life more than ever. I now know how precious it is. THANX for the Blog!

Sent by James Lye Honea (honey) | 2:45 AM ET | 05-12-2008

All I can think of to do is have a huge crying spell, whenever and however many times you want.

Leroy, I hope you can get some fatigue relief and pain relief. I am sorry you are so worn out. This is the stinks.

Sent by Pika | 9:18 AM ET | 05-12-2008

Leroy,
I love your comments today. And, I think that you've hit the nail on the head. Fatigue is a huge part of what a cancer patient deals with and being worn out can make everything just seem impossible. I hope this insight has helped in some way to make you feel a little better. I for one, think you are doing a fabulous job of managing your cancer and you'r a hero for it!
Hugs,
Cindy

Sent by cindy lynch | 4:56 PM ET | 05-12-2008

Leroy,you have so many insights. I do remember during treatments I wondered what I would do if I didn't have help. It still seemed like a terrible lonely time. It just did not seem that anyone else knew what was really happening. Of course that was not true. All those in Cancer World knew. I still remember the feelings of guilt that I at 70 years old could possibly survive after all the pain,sickness,fear,and you know all those things. You might be interested to know that here in Brunswick, Ga. we are going to try to address some of those concerns. We have launched The Cancer Network of Hope. It is an organization that will contact all those in a five county area that have been diagnosed with cancer. We are going to send a trained person to let them know that there are many who care. we will evaluate the persons needs for any assistance we can provide. That will include spiritual,physical, monetary,or any other need that may exist. We will then do our best to provide for those needs. We have bought a two bedroom house next to the hospital which will serve as our headquarters and also provide housing for those who come for treatments from a distance. I hope to give back for my being able to stay and enjoy life for however long it lasts. We hope to fill a void that seems to exist between the Medical people and those of us fighting the C. They are doing such wonderful things now in the fight against Cancer, but there is not enough time in the day for a doctor to address all the other concerns that a patient has. We hope we can help. Leroy, I have been with you every day since I first saw the TV special. I know the drill, I know the future is not clear for us, But I will continue to pray for you. You will never know what you have meant to so many of us who it seems must walk the line. I hope your line leads to sucess in your fight. Please pray for me, Respectfully, Ted Kindler

Sent by Ted R. Kindler | 1:19 PM ET | 05-20-2008