Mornin' Leroy. The pain and reality you endure must be unimaginable. I have heard that if we live long enough, most of us will have and probably die from some type of Cancer. It seems to hover around in all our bodies, looking for just the right time and spot to strike. How could you ever free yourself of the reminders that you have it when you have all the pain to remind you? Would you have sll the pain from the cancer or is it the surgery that left you with that? They told me that Cancer doesn't hurt and I found out that they were wrong.
However my ability to lose myself when painting a picture used to transport me up and away, but then came the Stroke last year and loss of vision, which even took my art away. Life is not fair! At last-today- the sun has come out and the world looks cheerful. Have a good day!

Sent by J C R | 7:52 AM ET | 05-13-2008

Good sleep... can be a wonderful escape from the perpetual waking hour challenges of stage IV cancer. My sub-conscience can no longer compete with the unresolved issues of my day. So my dreams are cancer free. The best dreams come when you can go to bed tired & content in the knowledge that you again rest from an honorable fight.

Hold Fast, Look for Joy & Stay Proud

Don Macleod

Sent by Don MacLeod | 8:40 AM ET | 05-13-2008

Beautifully stated, Leroy. As one whose initial diagnosis was stage IV, I feel blessed and lucky to be in remission. But, I know that is only for now. Still, I have many opportunities to forget - a few hours at work, different exercise and relaxation classes, book group, time spent with friends, and even looking for a new home with my husband. Then, someone asks me about the teal bracelet I wear. Then, I am only too happy to talk about the subtle warning signs of ovarian cancer, and the need to pursue diagnostics to detect this silent killer.

Sent by Sheara | 8:40 AM ET | 05-13-2008

Leroy,

You are 52 and say you have "Lived a full life." Those words sound like they are coming from a person much older. I do understand the changes that cancer puts a body through. They seem much older than they really are. It is also hard to NOT think about a life changing diagnosis or disease process every day.

Ok, so new mantra.... "Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional."

I always did want to be Peter Pan. Even asked dad to put a hook in back so I could fly. ;)

Sent by Sue Chap | 8:55 AM ET | 05-13-2008

I've been out of town for a few days visiting my son in NY so haven't had a chance to comment. First, on depression I think we all feel profoundly sad at times. Sad about the effect on our friends and families, sad for the loss of so many things. However, if anyone can't find some joy I would suggest seeking help. I feel so strongly about trying to enjoy whatever time I have left. I do see a therapist to keep me grounded and to be sad or say the scarry things out loud. He has also met with my family to make sure we are all on the same page.

As far as being conscious of this disease 24/7, probably. One reason I like to travel is meeting people who have no idea of my condition. It is exciting to feel normal for a little while. I hope you find some relief and a little joy today.

Sent by Dona | 9:02 AM ET | 05-13-2008

Today I made a charitable donation to help those suffering in Myanmar. Something good and permanent must come from my husband's suffering and death due to cancer. Hopefully it is a more compassionate me. Besides how much more crap do I need anyway?

Sent by Nobody really needs to know | 9:07 AM ET | 05-13-2008

Hello Leroy,
I am glad you are still responding to the questions. You make this blog unique in that manner. I think about you each day, and am honored that are still with us sir.
I'll pray for you again today, with the hope and faith that God will deliver you from the beast.
Thanks for being a straight up guy Leroy.
Jesus loves you, we all love you, God bless you.

Sent by Donato Salazar | 9:17 AM ET | 05-13-2008

Leroy,
You are so right about cancer being a part of who you are. My husband has been in the hospital for a month now and I have wanted to put photos of him and our family BC so the nurses and doctors know who he is but that is no longer who we are. They would be almost unrecognizable. I remember a few years ago hearing a parent of a murdered child say that all her waking thoughts were split in half with "my child is dead" and thats how it is with cancer I think. The sun is shining/my husband has cancer. It is inescapable. As I have said before, you adapt and square your shoulders for the fight. God Bless.

Sent by kathie | 9:32 AM ET | 05-13-2008

Leroy, I think that you have made a most profound point today. So profound that it transends our cancer discussions and relates to all human beings. The ability to accept who we truly are. All the good and all the bad. I have been struggling for so long with my cancer. Keeping it secret because I was afraid that if people knew that they would define me by it. Yes, they should define me by it and everything else in my life. Truly accepting who you are enables you to be free from any fear that you may have about the world and really be happy. A lesson everyone needs to learn. Thank you Leroy, I think that your blog today got me one step closer to letting go of my fears.

Sent by jen barad | 9:33 AM ET | 05-13-2008

Good morning Leroy! Enjoy your day. I appreciate your sharing with us every day and notice how you draw out distinctions of each personality here...the compassion, the hope, the despair...the coping. I like reading these bits and pieces of each personality here. Don MacLeod, yours was on the mark for me today. God bless you today Leroy; and you Don; and everyone here.

Sent by Linda Lee | 9:44 AM ET | 05-13-2008

Hey Leroy,
What a profound statement. "To forget that I have cancer would be to forget part of who I am."

I do like the moments when I forget the stage IV part and the rare blissful moments that allow me to forget there are any barriers in Life, but I have walked the cancer path for over a dozen of my 53 years and try to be daily profoundly grateful for the person I am, the person that cancer has shaped me into.

I must confess to hoping we both are going to have much more Fullness of life than just the 50 some odd years we've had so far!

Doodles of healing hugs,

Sent by Ann Van Tassell | 9:45 AM ET | 05-13-2008

Hi Leroy,
What a great answer.
You don't have to have cancer to appreciate and learn from its meaning. I've learned many life lessons from this blog and from the people that write in.
Bless you all.
Take care,

Sent by Judy | 9:51 AM ET | 05-13-2008

Leroy -

As always - you hit the nail right on the head - describing being a cancer patient. I had cancer at 16 and went cancer free until 39 years old, then 4 years after that had it again. But there has never been a day, I don't forget that I have cancer. Oh for the day that I could not even have that word cross my mind just once. But unfortunately that is not something that will happen. I am the person I am because of my experiences. 4 years after my last cancer, I am still hair impaired! No reason why just am! Chemo I guess took that away! It would not be bad but as a female, it would be nice to have hair again! I know there are wigs but... they are not for me! So here I stand (or sit at this moment) a cancer survivor/patient/etc. happy to be here and experiencing each day for however long I may have! Smiling! Thanks Leroy for letting us all be part of your battle and for making us realize that we aren't alone in our cancer battles.

Sent by Andi | 10:14 AM ET | 05-13-2008

Carpe diem, Leroy!

Do what you can to spend a few cancer-free moments each day and build upon it!

Trying to forget something is nearly impossible. (maybe if you train yourself in meditation... but I haven't been able to).

Hope you are enjoying today's sun after yesterday's horrible rain.

Sent by Liz L. | 10:16 AM ET | 05-13-2008

That was a beautiful response.

Sent by N.R. | 10:33 AM ET | 05-13-2008

Leroy, I appreciate your comment on having lived a full life. It's not just for the old folks it's for everyone. Don't put it off. Living fully is about how we live our daily lives. Thanks for the thought.

Sent by Ricci | 10:52 AM ET | 05-13-2008

Yesterday was my "off day". No chemo. 3 Mondays a month, I have chemo and then my off day, my off week. I should love my off day, off week -- but I don't really. I just think about those cancer cells that are so happy that they are getting their off day. I get depressed. I lay on the sofa most of the day, missed one of the most beautiful days that we have had this year and irritated my poor husband.

But today, I've got too much to do. My husband and I are going to see family later this week and I have things to do. Sometimes, it's just having something to do that gets you through the day. You never really forget that you have cancer but it just isn't your number one thought during the day.

Someone mentioned that cancer didn't invade their dreams. I was afraid of that happening after my diagnosis and surgery. But it hasn't happened yet and I pray that it won't. We have enough to deal with without dreams full of cancer too.

Thank you again Leroy for giving us this opportunity to share our feelings and form this community. I pray for you each day.

Sent by Carol in Nashville, TN | 10:59 AM ET | 05-13-2008

I have been stage 4 Lymphoma for almost 5 years. I haven't told every acquaintance about my cancer because I didn't want to be defined by it. I can say that I have gone a full day without thinking about it. Those close to me are my cancer confidents. Those others can just think I'm plain old Lexi. I enjoy that. I get tired of the constant inquiry from those that know and the "how are YOU" droan from people that really don't want to know how I am.

I think when the pain passes and the cancer is in remission, it is much easier to live a "new normal" life. Things will most likely never be how they were before the big C. That is okay. That is what makes us strong and gives character.

Leroy - I appreciate your blog - your humor in the face of pretty scary stuff. It helps me feel part of a group of people rather than an outsider peeking in.

I hope you have a great day filled with sunshine.

Sent by Alexis | 11:25 AM ET | 05-13-2008

Kathie was so right when she described living every day with cancer, "the sun is shining/my husband has cancer". It is always there, but I think the worst time is in the morning when we wake up. Sometimes it hits us like a heavy rock falling. It has taken us time to adjust and accept that life will never be the same, but we still find things to laugh about and to enjoy. We have moved onto a different level, but we are not alone-there are lots of us on that journey. And I think being in our fifties is still young!!

Sent by Tina from Alton IL | 11:33 AM ET | 05-13-2008

Good Morning Leroy -
No, the reminders of cancer rarely go away. But it's how much, or how little of our time we allow them that is important. And only when the reminders come back to us do we realize how truly sweet the cancer-free moments can be.

Sent by Patte | 12:14 PM ET | 05-13-2008

Loved your comments today, and track every day even when I do not remark. After spending the weekend house-sitting with 3 dogs and having the best time outside with them, I'm wondering if you've felt like stepping out into the yard to feel the warmth on your skin and the breeze in your hair? It can be magical this time of year, if you feel called to that sort of thing. Your statlement at being 52 and your other remarks about your life and age, make me think of opening lines from poet Ted Rosenthal's book, HOW COULD I NOT BE AMONG YOU, which I will paraphrase from distant memory: "My name is Ted Rosenthal. I live in New York City. I am 31 years old and I have terminal cancer. I can always say I lived well into my 30's..." I was struck (being about his age back then, and in the throes of two years of Hodgkins Disease and treatments) by the wonderful double-entendre contained in his words "I can always say I lived well into my 30's". I think from all I read of your writing, Leroy, and of this rich blog community's comments, that each of us is actively living well, and will do so until that last calendar page of our physical lives. And that is another joy to count, today and every day.

Sent by Sarah | 12:14 PM ET | 05-13-2008

Definitely, beyond forgetting that I have cancer. Even if I wanted to, at minimum, the daily meds are a daily reminder. It is not in my every thinking thought or moments I am having; I am living as well as I can.

My Father was a very quiet, calm, and gentle person. He said to me, during his awful cancer, that, "sickness and death are parts of life." Really, that was the most he had to say about his cancer. That statement really struck me, partly because he spoke it, but mostly, because it is absolute truth.

Whatever I face everyday, and whatever is to come in the future, I try to embrace those words.

Sent by Pika | 12:20 PM ET | 05-13-2008

Forgetting about cancer is like being in a beautiful dream. But we know we're going to wake up from our dreams -- at least as long as we're alive.

I enjoy forgetting but I might say I enjoy remembering too because remembering brings
about a consciousness that causes me to feel gratitude beyond a simple dream.

Sent by Janell | 1:10 PM ET | 05-13-2008

Leroy,

I've been reading this blog daily for over a year, but have never felt compelled to write until today. Your post really addressed where I am at with my cancer.

I was diagnosed with Lymphoma a year ago at 22 years old. After chemo and radiation I am now in remission and trying to figure out how cancer, and my experiences fighting the disease, fit into my life.

Most of the people in my life want me to forget it, and move on. They think I am insane for not being able to "let it go".

As you said, that is impossible as my body is not ready to let me forget.

But I'm also finding, strangely enough, that I don't want to "move on" or forget about it. I have learned so much from cancer, and from the people I have met.

Certainly these are lessons I would have rather learned from a book.....but they will serve me well through my life. I think it would be a tremendous mistake to forget my life in "cancer world".

I also want to say thank you, to you, Leroy, and everyone else who visits the blog. Here I have found not only support and understanding but insight into life that I could find no where else. Thank you for making me feel like I am not alone in this strange "cancer world".

Sent by Sarah | 1:15 PM ET | 05-13-2008

Leroy,

I can live with that. I have learned so much, been given so much. To forget that I have cancer would be to forget part of who I am.

What a magnanimous response! I went back and read some of your earliest postings and, sure enough, there has been a lot of growth as you grappled with your cancer.

Blessings.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 1:38 PM ET | 05-13-2008

Having been in Cancer World for nearly 16 years now, I relish the days that I don't think about it. Can't remember the exact date, but I vividly remember the thrill that I got the first time I realized that I hadn't thought about the Beast in a while! Gives me a warm feeling as I type.

It isn't denial and it isn't letting go. It's appreciating whatever morsel of normal that the day offers. Oh, the now-faded surgical scar is a constant (or at least daily) reminder, and the Beast revisited me in another way since then. But remission is a beautiful place to be.

I wish all of us and our caregivers those glimpses!

Sent by Judie in CT | 2:06 PM ET | 05-13-2008

Leroy:
I am currently cancer-free and will never forget any of the steps it took to get here. "HERE" where I hope to remain for a very long time.
My husband has voiced frustration that I won't forget about my bout with cancer and move on. Perhaps he just needs for it to be in-the-past. I guess I don't know HOW or WHY I would choose to forget. I haven't forgotten my 18th birthday or my wedding day. (Both occurring many years ago.) Why would I want to forget this very important period of my life?
I do think I'm a better person now because of my cancer. I have a greater appreciation of EVERYTHING. I don't want to forget what I've learned from my own personal experience or what I've learned from all of you.
Yes, I am in a different place now. I pray you will be joining me "HERE" soon!
Stay strong and keep fighting!
Rhonda Howard

Sent by Rhonda Howard | 2:23 PM ET | 05-13-2008

Leroy- You are so right.We are the sum of our experiences- they make us who we are- good and bad. You once again brought some tears to my eyes. Just the beauty and depth of your acceptance.

Sent by linda h. | 3:25 PM ET | 05-13-2008

Dear Kathie,
So sorry for your troubles. My husband was recently in the hospital for three and one half weeks. I have also noticed the sun shining and the flowers blooming but the ever-present thought "My husband has Stage IV" Cancer" never leaves my mind. How to live in spite of it, that is my daily challenge here. I wish you a bit of peace.

Sent by Elaine | 3:38 PM ET | 05-13-2008

Leroy, Life with cancer is very difficult. In large part because some around you don't want to talk about the 800 Pound Gorilla in the room. I know everyday I have Stage IV Kidney Cancer, and mostly it is a killer. Scans again today, results on Thursday. I hope for the best. Then the next choice is upon us, seems we are always making the next choice. Soon we will run out of choices I Fear. Hard to forget you have this. Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 3:44 PM ET | 05-13-2008

A beautiful post today. Thank you.

Sent by Nichole | 4:39 PM ET | 05-13-2008

Hi Leroy,
I don't think the big "C" is ever very far away from those who have it or from those who help take care of them. I know that when my Dad had cancer, it was on my mind constantly, worrying about what I could do for him. He passed 2 yrs. ago, but now one of my best friends has colon cancer. She is presently in remission but it is always on my mind....will it come back and when. Even though we sometimes get other things on our minds, the truth is, the big "C" is never far away. Take care Leroy. God Bless

Sent by Teresa in WV | 4:53 PM ET | 05-13-2008

Leroy,
I agree, its so hard to put the cancer thoughts out of your mind. When I am really busy, it leaves for a while but any time there is a little down time--it is back. I work in health care and see many stage IV cancer patients so that also keeps my thoughts of cancer front and center. It's hard for me not to talk about it but I don't know how much other people want to hear. Its hard for me to listen to people complaining about such little things. Like my Dad who is 88 complaining about his social security. I am 53 and I will only be able to retire as disabled hopefully later rather than sooner. If you find a way to not think about it let me know. I could use a cancer holiday.

Sent by Mary C. in Kingston, MA | 7:19 PM ET | 05-13-2008

Leroy, Thank you again for being here for all of us.
Kathie, Elaine, and Tina----cherish each and every moment with your husbands, as I cherish the memories I have of mine.
Jane

Sent by Jane from AR | 7:58 PM ET | 05-13-2008

Leroy - Today I went and heard Lance Armstrong speak at a rally here in town. I'm not quite sure I heard all that he had to say. I just kept looking at him and thinking I have stage IV cancer - he had his own battle and look how he survived. Then I looked at a few patients that came out from the hospital to listen and thought where will they be a year a week a month from now. That is what I think about myself. Is cancer ever out of our minds - I do not think so, but it also is not slowing us down every minute of the day either. We all have are breaking points or tuning out points and just want our old lives back. I looked at Lance again and thought wow this bad thing has made his life so differnt. Would he have fought for cancer if he did not have it? Would you Leroy have a second thought about it and talk or write about it? Maybe those of us who do have it aren't ment to forget. I know in a bizzar way I am learning and growing from it. Even through the pain and chemo. So keep on writing Leroy and keep on talking Lance you are our heros and you let us know we are not alone. You are our voices. We may be hurting and some days are better than others - but we look for you to help us get through the days.

Sent by Cathy | 8:19 PM ET | 05-13-2008

Leroy,
You bring tears to my eyes. You seem to have had a wonderful life and career BUT 52 is still so young! I am 36 and I want to be 40, 50, 60, 70 and more. Cancer has made me look forward to growing old (hopefully slowly). I love your acceptance, courage, honesty and openness.
God Bless you.
Jennifer

Sent by Jennifer in CA | 1:04 AM ET | 05-14-2008

Leroy
This is another good blog today. How can we stop thinking about cancer? We have cancer or know someone who has or had cancer and it hurts. But what about the people who don't read your blog, the people who don't have cancer and don't want to think about cancer. Two and a half years ago I wouldn't have searched iTunes for cancer related podcasts and I would never have found this blog. It would have been difficult to find information like this 15 years ago when I should have had my first colonoscopy but I didn't even think about cancer and I didn't have the test that would have prevented the stage IV colon cancer that I now and think about every day. How do we pass on all of this "good" information to those who should be thinking about cancer? They don't have the pain yet so they don't have the need to search for information like this.

Sent by Walt from LA | 6:21 AM ET | 05-14-2008

Leroy: My thoughts have gone from "living with cancer" to "living without Burge because of cancer". The focus has changed, but the thoughts are still the same. I wonder for how long...probably most of the rest of my life.

Nikki

Sent by Nikki in Kansas | 12:23 PM ET | 05-14-2008

Yep, it's something you live with. I sometimes think that the day my treatments ended (a day I had been looking forward to) was the start of the really tough bit. I can still work and that really helps - I like to be busy and hate a lull. However, because of the fatigue I need a lull - how tired I become is yet another reminder. I try to avoid mentioning anything about it as I worry that my co-workers just don't want to hear it some days. I was warned by my sister - also a cancer survivor - that from the day I was diagnosed forward, forever more every ache, pain, bug bite - you name it - would make me wonder what my cancer was "up to". She was right and it wears you down. Spending time with my grandkids really helps - we can just be silly and silly is good. Good movies and books also help a great deal. But then I hear a news report like the one on NPR right this very second about breast cancer and vitamin D - the news is good for those to come but no so good for me. Sigh. I guess it's gonna be a long day. I also am 52 and have lived a full life - I want more so I guess I'll hope that today is a busy day at work and that I see the kids over the weekend.

Sent by Jean Valentine | 6:10 AM ET | 05-16-2008

Sr. Leroy:
I know that I can't help you; Knowing that I don't feel the pain that you feel right now; I know how hard is it... Yet you need to accept the fact that life being long or short doesn't metter; it begins the moment you find meaning in it. This kind of illness must not let you go down yet will help you to inspire other people.

Sent by Vianne Luz | 11:18 AM ET | 06-16-2008