I think that is the hardest question of all. "Enjoy the sun" "eat your favorite food" "read a book" are probably all bits of advice I have posted here. Meaningless stuff when you are in depressions hole.

My guess is that even those of us who have been lucky enough only to suffer from cancer vicariously, still suffer from depression - in my case as a result to losing relatives to cancer and its effect on others.

When i am in a deep whole of sadness I write what is upsetting me. (But you post here every day and it hasn't been a miracle cure for the serious blues, has it?).

My kids swear by their Guatemalan trouble dolls? (the little dolls you tell your troubles to and then put under the pillow to worry about them for you while you sleep).

Sent by Liz L. | 7:43 AM ET | 05-07-2008

This is a tough one. I've had depression all my life, even before Cancer hit. During treatment it got especially difficult due to all the drugs in me. What helped then is having friends and family around me, and distraction from it all, movies and t.v., or knitting or anything to keep my mind off of the dark cloud over head. Its very rough. Mainly I had to wait it out and then it subsided a bit. Its still a challenge but over all much better than it was. Every person is different and many things can help one person but not the next. Sorry to not give any real help. I hope the dark cloud lifts for you today Leroy.

Sent by Jenn | 7:44 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Unfortunately, sometimes you can't fight depression. Sometimes you have every right to be depressed. And in your case Leroy, you have a good reason to be depressed. All I can say is try to focus on all the good things in your life. The opportunities you've had. The lives you've touched. The people thinking of you right this very minute and the people that will always remember you.

Sent by Sue in Rochester, NY | 7:45 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Strange as it may seem, I get the most depressed on my week off from chemotherapy. I always tell the chemo nurses how I look forward to my one week month when I don't have chemo. But that's not really true. I only get chemo 1 day a week for 3 consecutive weeks and then my free week. But on my free week, I think I would rather be pumping all that poison into me to fight the cancer. Even I think this sounds crazy. But I don't like the thought of those nasty cells getting any breaks from destruction. So to fight depression, I try and leave Cancer World and move into the Real World and spend more time with family doing "normal things". But anyone who has cancer knows that you never totally escape the thoughts in the back of your head -- "I have cancer".

Sent by Carol, Nashville, TN | 7:50 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Good Morning Leroy,

I would urge you to separate "depression" from feeling lousy and rightfully so. Your reaction to what you've been through seems very reasonable to me. People who always were enthusiastic cheerleaders at my side during chemotherapy were wonderful, but it was always a source of irritation that some people couldn't take in that having this disease is profoundly disturbing at times, that having to face pain and end of life issues is filled with sadness and fear at times and that there can be times of "depression" that co-exist with times of energy and fighting. I hope that you are able to give yourself a break and let it be. I found that books on tape, dvds and dear friends provided some respite. Hope this helps.

Sent by judith | 7:51 AM ET | 05-07-2008

I find when I get depressed or sad, it's because my life has become too inwardly focused. I am totally absorbed in what is happening to me, or around me, that I forget that others in this world are struggling too. Maybe not with the same issues, but fighting their own battles, nonetheless. I found that volunteering, or doing something nice for someone else, did the most for me. I sponsored a child through Compassion and wrote them letters. I visited an inner-city school and read to 1st graders, I did some knitting and donated items for an auction to benefit a child with brain cancer. Acknowleding that I still had enough left in me to help someone else, was good medicine.

Marcia

Sent by Marcia | 8:01 AM ET | 05-07-2008

First as you did, I acknowledge that yes, I am depressed. Sometimes when I am depressed I am really very sad about the reality of my situation and crying can offer a release and a renewed perspective. Also, I try not to take my feelings too seriously, knowing that for some inexplicable reason or because everything is always changing I will start to feel better. What is very tough is when I am in physical pain as you are, because then it is hard to be still, to savor the moments of everyday beauty and to just muster the energy to work with myself. Also depression by itself is not bad; sometimes it just is.

Sent by Beverly | 8:02 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Dear Leroy,

Understandably, depression is a part of chronic health issues. To relieve the pain or neuropathy symptoms, have you considered alternative treatments or methods. Massage, acupuncture, being referred to a pain clinic?

It is hard to remain upbeat with pain, and you are so right even a moment of relief is better than no relief.

Sent by Sue Chap | 8:04 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Hi Leroy
Man you know how to ask the hard questions.
When my loved one suffered from depression she would just want me to be near. I felt, if that is what she needed at that time, then that was better than the drugs.
You are correct in addressing the side effects. I think the side effects are a major contributor to the depression.
I feel like my answer is so puny, Leroy, but the love of a loved one is always what I subscribe to.
May you have a God glorifying day, Leroy
Use this day also to Gods glory.

Sent by Donato Salazar | 8:07 AM ET | 05-07-2008

I have a big problem with depression and do take psychotropic medications. But just, if not more helpful, are talk therapy and yoga/meditation.

My therapist Ann helps me work through the anger and helplessness I feel. Yoga and meditation reconnect me to life. Even just a few moments of deep breathing can free me a bit from the black clouds.

Sent by Venita | 8:09 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Hi,
Sometimes it's the meds and the recovery from surgeries that cause your chemicals to be outta whack, so, consider some anti-depressants for a while, until you get over it. Recovery is hard on anyone, and being sick for a long time, (chronic illness speaking here) can cause depression. Give yourself a break, take a short cut, feel better.

Sent by Diane | 8:11 AM ET | 05-07-2008

That is a really tough question. Each time it creeps up I guess I deal with it differently.

I guess I first acknowledge it and allow a certain time to "be totally depressed". Really roll around in it for a day or two. Then I usually look at myself and say, "this isn't working either" and look for something else to focus on. I also find that if I can get some friends around me and allow some laughter to happen it helps. Also, doing something out of my normal routine. If I normally have my coffee inside I then take the time to sit outside or something like that.

I hope others have better suggestions! I think mine is kinda lame.

Hugs.

Sent by Lori | 8:13 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy, I knew at the time I was starting the fight that I needed as good a mental attitude as I could find, and I knew I needed some help. My doctor prescribed an antidepressant, which did help significantly. I'd recommend that you talk to someone about that - there's no shame in asking for help. The state of mind is a fragile thing and it is SO important for us to keep our mindset as positive as possible. I believe that this can be a significant factor in the healing process and the acceptance of our ever-changing condition. Don't hesitate to ask for this type of help!

Sent by Martha in FL | 8:14 AM ET | 05-07-2008

OH Leroy I believe you will have a lot of empathy with your message of today. Since I had the little Stroke a year ago I have been dealing with Great Depression. All the things that used to be so important to me do not interest me anymore. My eyesight, like yours, was affected but many other little things have happened to me and continue to happen. Could your depression be more from the effects of your stroke than from what the cancer has done to you? I have such a time trying to find something to be happy about and am angry with the world without reason. I would like to look forward to something once again but it now all seems futile. You have your Laurie and I have my wonderful husband but I do try his patience, I know. I do not like myself. Even writing on the computer leaves me with a terrific headache. The body can be healed with medicins but the mind is a different animal. I think we may be mad and dissapointed with ourselves and somehow must find a way to like ourselves and feel proud once again. Let's try Leroy. It is a beautiful, sunny, Spring day out there, should we get out in the sunshine?

Sent by J C R | 8:14 AM ET | 05-07-2008

I took anti-depressants, sorry to say, since you don't want to take another med. And I watched all of "The Office" seasons on DVD in big hourly binges, and listened to David Sedaris recordings. I knew it was time for anti-depressants when I heard him in person and I couldn't laugh. I knew it was funny, but I couldn't feel it.

Sent by Jennifer | 8:18 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Chocolate cake =)!! Or a long sob story movie or a really funny comedy to absorb you for a few hours and transport you to another world.

Sent by Laurie | 8:20 AM ET | 05-07-2008

I've got the sure-fire cure, Leroy--although it may be something of a challenge to pull off, given your physical limitations just now.

The absolute best thing you can do to fight off the blues is to DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEBODY ELSE. For maximum effectiveness, make sure it's somebody that you have no expectation of getting something back from in return.

So what can you do? Helping to build a Habitat for Humanity house or volunteering at a local food pantry are probably out--at least, until you feel a lot better.

But you could offer to tutor a neighbor's teenager in math for some short, you-pick-the-time-when-you're-feeling-good sessions. Or maybe help Laurie with a project such as sorting through and labeling old family photos. Or inviting a pre-schooler over to read stories together while her single mom goes grocery shopping.

Pick something doable and do it. This type of gift--from the heart, with no thought of return--is certain to help take your mind off your situation and just plain make you feel better. Guaranteed.

You'll also have that wonderful feeling of purpose and accomplishment (I mean the kind that is beyond the stuff we do for ourselves) that gives us renewed energy and a reason to look forward to a new day.

Oh, and one more tip: exposure to nature (even if it means just sitting outside and feeling the breeze on your face) is another mood-booster. Listen to the birds sing, check out the butterflies sampling the flowers, and feel the warm sunshine on your face.

Your discomfort won't disappear, but you'll be feeling happier in no time.

All my best wishes for happier days ahead.

Becky in Tennessee

Sent by Rebecca | 8:21 AM ET | 05-07-2008

I really don't know but will offer my thoughts. In your situation, it is understandable that depression is a constant companion. Perhaps one would say that it is the "norm" and not the exception. The constant pain, numerous surgeries and treatments, lack of sound sleep, lack of mobility ,future uncertainty, etc. compound and build until depression becomes the norm. I'm not trying to trivialize the reality. Perhaps outside of the cancerworld where optimism, enthusiasm and energy are the norms, depression is the exception. Perhaps and unfortunately, the inverse is the norm in your world, our world, the cancerworld!

I was given anti-depressants while taking chemo because a side effect was depression. I took them but quite frankly, I was so out of it most of the time that I had no idea if I was depressed or not.

I would encourage you to try an anti-depressant. It can't hurt and might help. I would encourage you to look for "small victories" each day to help boost your mental and emotional energy. I would encourage that you accept that there are lots of "blue days" and that it is ok to feel this way. With that said, I would encourage you to NOT let the "blue days" overwhelm you.

Your mind, your imagination, your heart and soul, your gift of observation, your gift, skill and eloquence in expressing feelings and thoughts in this blog, your ability to lift everyone's spirit, the goodness that you do each day......these and so much more can NEVER be touched by cancer nor depression. Continue to use these tools, skills and gifts to replenish your soul's vital energy and to push away the darkness.

May God bless you Leroy and bring His healing power into your life!

Sent by Al Cato | 8:25 AM ET | 05-07-2008

There are wonderful antidepressants out there that would really help you. I know this because my husband battled with cancer for several years and was put on these meds and they made an enormous difference. You should not fight this and take them - you will get great relief.

Sent by jeri magid | 8:27 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Good morning Leroy and Laurie,

Hard morning...so sorry. I remember when you recently talked about the bird that you heard chirping from outside, and how for a moment, the pain was gone. If I could, I would take away your pain, the cancer, and all that goes with that. I would send a choir of birds to sing for you.... our dogs and cats are medicine for depression for us, especially one little 15-16 yr. old pomeranian, (3 pounds, 2 ounces, adopted from DC Animal Shelter), "Gracie," who embraces living with gusto most days. She also has illnesses which have almost killed her, but still her effort to live life everyday -- heartily -- is amazing. I often wish I could bottle some of whatever makes up her spirit, and give it to people suffering.

So, how do we fight it? Here at this house, with our animals, music, reading, escaping, and importantly, yes, medications. Antidepressants, can actually put a floor under the depression. It won't necessarily go away, but the medication can make depression less burdensome. So, if you need "one more pill," please allow yourself to consider taking something. It's not a "cure," but an "assistive device."

Take good care today, both of you,

Virgie, Kim & Gracie

Sent by Virgie, Kim, & Gracie | 8:27 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy,

Ahhh, good question. I have a history of depression (bi-polar), so I have had my ups and downs. It took me quite awhile to understand how to deal with it, since I knew I could not control it. The one thing I discovered is that it would pass. The height of the highs and the depth of the lows would eventually give way to to the middle ground. All I needed to do was hold on. No feeling is forever. After a time I was able to able not to get mired in the muck and living became a reachable goal. Getting there takes a little time. Ontop of all of this, I found I needed patience.

So, if you can hold on and know it will pass because indeed it always does, then you're golden.

Sent by Teri Thomas | 8:30 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Dear Leroy...Thank you for your honesty and the bravery you exhibit to all of us by admitting your vulnerability and your humanity. How I wish there were a few magic incantations to make the depression lift; when it comes, it is (or can be) so totally overwhelming.

Stay strong, fight to find anything that can, even for a moment, distract you from yourself.

Sent by Peggy | 8:30 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy,
When I am depressed I acknowledge it and then proceed to seriously enjoy a big piece of chocolate cake and the richest fudge brownie ice cream I can find. And then I smile. Hope you find your chocolate cake! We love you man!

Sent by Nancy Owen | 8:32 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy....my battle these days is loneliness and I don't know how to move out it...so some days I cry...I miss Neil so much. I give in to my feeling sorry for myself, then I try to find my happy place. I look through the photo albums, I remember the moments in our lives that were special, I listen to music, talk to my family, and what really helps....is getting a ton of kisses from my two dogs! I also have this goofy sister that calls me every day with some story of something she screwed up or did that will always make me laugh. Thank goodness for my sis! And my Mom, she is the one that has to help me through my tears, she is the one I call on for help when I am really low!
I also come here, this is where I find my strength, I am reminded of all the other battles out there and then I realize how small mine really is! So I pray for all of you. I find comfort in that! I hope you can find a "happy place".

Sent by Laurie Hirth | 8:40 AM ET | 05-07-2008

I told you how I solved my problem with depression.........."I took up drinking" which after reading the blog decided it's definitely the wrong route to take. Be well dear Leroy. Thank you all!

Sent by sasha321 | 8:44 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Therapist. Once a week. It's my hour to say what I want, no consequences. Cry as much as I want. Then the hour is over and I go back to life as usual.

Sent by Elizabeth from Brooklyn | 8:45 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy, you have EVERY right to be depressed or sad or discouraged.. Whatever name you choose to use.. But when I am depressed, et al, I

1. Take a LONG warm bath.
2. Watch Carol Burnett and her co-horts.
3. Play with my furkids.
4. Hug someone who needs hugging.
5. Eat a chocolate bar!!

Hope one of these hits a button!!

Prayers and grace and peace...

Sent by Patsy Elmore | 8:47 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Dear Leroy,
My husband has been depressed about his disease from the day of diagnosis and that was 16 months ago. Even anti-depressants haven't helped him. I wish I knew the answer to your question because I have tried so many different things to help him with this and nothing has worked. At the risk of sounding selfish, I can tell you that as a caregiver, my husband's depression is the hardest part for me. It makes me feel helpless and destoys my sense of well-being. Try to smile for Laurie's sake, maybe you'll both feel better.

Sent by Elaine | 8:53 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Sometimes it's a day of comfort or high indulgence food combined with comforting and/or humorous movies--which has in the past translated to kielbasi, saurkraut & mashed potatoes, or various naughty dips or something involving hollandaise sauce or roasted pork shoulder, I could go on, but I think you get the picture.

My comfort films include the Sean Connery Bond films or the Peter Sellers Pink Panther films or A&E's Year in Provence (usually have to have wine and cheese with that last one). I've turned to other foods and other films at times, but those are the classics.

I thought about you quite a bit this weekend--the ER release papers said I "sprained" my back. Anyway, I did the moving from chair to chair, trying different pillows and the much dreaded laying down on a (metal!) table--though I'm sure for a shorter time than you as it was just for x-rays. Though it turns out I don't seem to be entering cancer world now, having read about your experiences gave me some comfort, even when I couldn't get comfortable.

Thank you!

Sent by Heather | 9:00 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Get it out, Cry.... and then rediscover the golden gift of good humor...

Hold Fast

Sent by Don MacLeod | 9:03 AM ET | 05-07-2008

I'm with Marcia and Becky, as I'm the "do something" type. Along with their suggestions to do something for somebody else, to get outside your own self, I would recommend doing something creative. Maybe write a book about your "My Cancer" blog experience. Writing a book sounds pretty ambitious, but it's a process that will keep your mind occupied.

And it helps to keep your hands occupied, too, with something creative. I don't know what your hobbies are, but I used to do needlework, sewing, etc., so I would have something beautiful to show for the nasty blues.

The most fun I had while I was undergoing treatment was when my rat terrier had puppies. It was a very life-affirming event for me, and I highly recommend it.

Peace,

Pamela

Sent by Pamela | 9:04 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Pre-cancer, I had Major Depression, and I had to turn to medication, which was a godsend. Since then, if I'm feeling bad, it may sound simplistic, but I get outside. Also, my pets are a great comfort. We adopt older cats and dogs, and they offer a love and joy that is just incredible.

Sent by Pam | 9:20 AM ET | 05-07-2008

My recommendations:
1) Getting outside and away from the city. I live on Lake Superior and love to drive up the shore, stopping here and there to enjoy the scenery and eat some lunch. Hiking is probably out but maybe just a short walk to somewhere woody and isolated? Just far enough away to feel like a vacation, get some sun and listen to the birds (and waves if you can find some).
2) Ben & Jerry's Double Fudge Brownie ice cream.
3) Jon Stewart & The Daily Show.

Sent by K Ives | 9:21 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Give yourself permission to feel depressed. Don't feel like it is something wrong...it just is. No one is anything forever and it is a cycle that will change. Hot baths, back rubs, good naps, and knowing it's okay to pull the covers over your head. Hang in there

Sent by debbie | 9:26 AM ET | 05-07-2008

I eat chocolate and I pray. Then I may cry and then I sleep. Sometimes a good pity party is what we all need. We think we need to remain strong and tough. But we don't. You are sick Leroy. Give yourself a break and do what YOU want to do. Even the smallest thing. Can you get on a boat out on the ocean or lake? Is there a favorite spot you like to go that you haven't been for awhile that you are still able to get to? Friends you haven't heard from but make you feel good to talk to or see? It's not selfish. It's good for you. Distractions.

My son would sit in the garage while his dad and I worked on his '79 Malibu. He was our "engineer". He couldn't work on it physically anymore but his heart was sure in it. It got him through the day. He was amazing...Oxygen tank and all. We miss him so.

So anywho, think about what would make you happy besides a new body. If we can help you let us know.

God bless you Leroy. You are amazing too!

Judy

Sent by Judy | 9:30 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy,
Depression is so hard--but I'm glad you recognize it. I've dealt with serious post-partum depression twice--and bouts of depression throughout the years. The first time, I left the post-partum untreated for a long time and I struggled. The most recent time, I bit the bullet early on and decided that I would finally try meds, combined with a weekly therapy session. It has made an enormous difference. The meds may not be for everyone, but I never think therapy is a bad idea. It's great to have supportive friends and family, but there is something to be gained from talking to a really good therapist. I have found that the older I've gotten, the more brutally honest I am in sessions.

I just want to say thank you, though, for bringing up this topic. I think too many people feel it is taboo. It's very real, and no one should ever have to deal with it alone.

Have a great day.

Sent by Kathleen, NJ | 9:30 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy,
Depression, Try accupuncture. Seriously. Depression hit so hard that I couldn't get out of bed. Came very close to being admitted to a psych ward. Was put on 5 different antidepressants which helped. Don't get me wrong, medicines are great sometimes but their side effects are another story especially Effexor. Have been going to an accupunturist now since February and am doing much, much better to the point that I have 1 more day on Effexor and I will be off. Could not have done it without his help. Had I gone to accupuncturist when starting the chemo, all of this would have been avoided. Worth a try.

Marcelle

Sent by Marcelle Yonkin | 9:31 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Hi Leroy -
2 Strategies - Distraction and Control.
I distract myself. Since I can only thing about one thing at a time, I'll do something that absorbs me. Say a game of Scrabble? I'm free of my negativity for that time anyway
Control - I'll do somthing that I can control. Something "I've been meaning to do" - So I can look at it and feel that I did something productive and have accomplished something measureable/tangible.
See a counselor and take the pills if that's what they suggest. They helped my wife tremendously and still do. When get's "Scanxiety" before an exam, Ativan to the rescue!
Depression is a normal reaction to what you're going thru and potentially serious side effect. Don't pussyfoot around it, beat it to a pulp.
You have come so far and helped so many of us. You need to look after yourself too.

Sent by Tim | 9:33 AM ET | 05-07-2008

My husband suffered some depression also. I would bake cookies and we took them to the chemo unit for others to enjoy. I made Kool-aid and took that along with us too. He loved doing this for others and it seemed to help him. He would talk to the people getting chemo and they could relate. Do something for someone else. That always makes one feel better.

Sent by Deb from Michigan | 9:34 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Dear Leroy...I've found that sometimes a good hard sobbing fest in which I soak at least two pillows releases a lot of the tension. I've taken up yoga and meditation and practice most everyday; my mantra is "is there death in this moment?", and when I answer "no", I can hear the birdsong you talked about last week and there is no sadness in that moment. Everyday when I read the news, I tell myself that there are worse things than cancer. As everyone has said, pain is our worst enemy. Some medical schools now offer fellowships and residencies in pain management and I would explore all the options, Leroy, both traditional and alternative. Make pain management a part of your physical therapy. Ohhh...we are holding your hand today. Rebecca from Montana

Sent by Rebecca | 9:36 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Laurie H,

I still have periods of depression fourteen months out from losing Terry. I know exactly what you're saying.

And I know everybody tells you this and you think 'yeah, how could you possibly understand?', but it DOES get better and easier. I didn't believe it ever would, but it does. That doesn't mean I don't still cry, but I can actually get through a day without doing so now and then, and I can talk to people about our life together without always breaking up.

Give yourself time, and be easy on yourself.

Sent by Bruce | 9:41 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Listening to music has helped me to pass through some dark periods. Bruckner's 4th and Mahler's 8th are personal favorites. Literature, too, has provided a respite. Many times I've returned to Dickens' "Pickwick Papers" for a timeout. In closing, may you find comfort and hope this day.

Sent by John | 9:43 AM ET | 05-07-2008

I think it's normal to suffer from depression when you're undergoing treatment for cancer. You've abused your body and it's hard enough to deal with physical pain. When I was undergoing treatment, I relied on a couple of things --
* Journaling, so I could rant and rave and say things that I didn't really mean, but wanted to say anyway (life was unfair, if people had just done this or that, etc).
o While you are writing every day, you're still being "polite".
o A journal should be something that nobody sees, so you can say whatever you want, no matter how nasty or even how untrue.
* Sometimes professional counseling helps
* Setting aside a specific time limit to feel sorry for yourself
o (It should be limited - you don't want to stay there, after all).
o Beside that - who knows how lousy you feel better than you!
* My daughter used to drag me outside when it was nice and though I didn't want to admit it, it did make me feel better.
* Meditation can help, if you want to go that route
* Humor is a powerful tool
o Making fun of the cancer
o Just watching or listening to things that are funny to you
* How about looking into a Music Therapist?
o They can help you with relaxation techniques, etc. which can help the pain (no meds!) and the depression
This is from the American Music Therapy Association (http://www.musictherapy.org/).
Music Therapy is an established healthcare profession that uses music to address physical, emotional, cognitive, and social needs of individuals of all ages. Music therapy improves the quality of life for persons who are well and meets the needs of children and adults with disabilities or illnesses. Music therapy interventions can be designed to:
* promote wellness
* manage stress
* alleviate pain
* express feelings
* enhance memory
* improve communication
* promote physical rehabilitation

Unfortunately, there's no magic bullet - it's part of the Beast - but while the Beast may win a battle here and there, don't let it win the war. You're not alone, no matter how it feels sometimes. As my mother was fond of saying, "This too shall pass."
God Bless-
Kathy

Sent by Kathy | 9:44 AM ET | 05-07-2008

I think you do have to allow times to fully feel and acknowledge your sadness and your pain - but don't stay there. Like a wave from the depths, that builds and swells, but eventually subsides. May God touch you and hold you close today, Leroy.

Sent by Linda Lee | 9:49 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Depression sucks no matter whether one has cancer or not...let yourself be loved...do what you can to make yourself comfortable..and then like others have said, comfort yourself with either food or good drugs.

Sent by Sandra Yudilevich | 9:53 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Dear Leroy,
Depression is a medical problem, like congestive heart failure or hyperglycemia. It has signs and symptoms. And it can be properly diagnosed by experts, such as psychiatrists, oncologists, internists and family practitioners.

It's not your fault if, indeed, you are depressed. When dealing with chronic illness, the chemistry of the brain can be affected by chronic pain, medications, sleep deprivation, and other conditions of illness. And this altered chemistry can make you feel depressed and have difficulty enjoying anything, no matter how much you want to have a good attitude or how hard you try to enjoy your day.

Depression can make it difficult to get good care; it certainly makes it impossible to live as fully as possible.

Healthy Survivors approach depression the same way as they approach any other medical problem like nausea or bleeding. They have an evaluation by experts, so they can get the best care possible for this problem. In many cases, a combination of counseling and medications helps the patient think, feel and act more like their normal selves.

Leroy, you deserve not to feel depressed. I hope you'll discuss your feelings of depression with your healthcare team. Wishing you better days ahead.
With hope, Wendy

Sent by Wendy S. Harpham, MD | 9:53 AM ET | 05-07-2008

After seven years of chemo for incurable multiple myeloma, I take joy in the little things, one day at a time. Start by writing ten positive things every day. Love, Ann

Sent by Ann Hill | 9:57 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Sun and friends.. Good friends.. Prayers and peace always.

Sent by Julie | 9:57 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy....I haven't written recently, because I've just been so sad. I lost my beautiful 47 year old daughter to advanced lung cancer after caring for her the last year and a half. Two days before she died, my husband was diagnosed with cancer and had to undergo the Whipple procedure; he is slowly recovering after a month in the hospital and I am caring for him as well. While he was in the hospital, his brother was diagnosed and died with advanced cancer of the gall bladder, stomach, colon and liver....his family had two months to deal with this before losing him.

So, depression has been a constant companion of my husband and me for a while now....he experienced most of his while our daughter was sick and through his illness. He cried all the time. A medication psychiatrist at the Cancer Institute prescribed a non-narcotic antidepressant called Remeron to him about two weeks ago and it has done wonders for him. This was recommended as a very effective and safe antidepressant with some "good" side effects....it helps with sleeping at night, helps with nausea and stimulates your appetite (which he needs because of having lost so much weight).

When my son was 19, he had a brain tumor and ended up with several episodes of spinal meningitus after the surgery which almost took him several times. He was hospitalized for seven months, lost a lot of weight and was very depressed. At that time I would sit with him and help him make up two lists. One was all the things that were wrong with his life at the present time. The other list was all the wonderful things that he still had in his life. ie: He still had his vision, his hearing, his mental capacities. It did not turn out to be cancer..he was still alive. He was at one of the best hospitals in the world and had wonderful doctors, nurses and caregivers. He had a wonderful, caring and supportive family who were able to be with him through this....(he was in the service and so many of the young men there had no family able to stay and so many of them did not live). And on and on and on. It was tough, but he did pull through it.

For me, I know I'm depressed, but I think it's more just such a wave of terrible grief that hits me so unexpectedly at times. I just miss her so much. I think that being the primary caregiver, I just had to be strong for so long that, although I always recognized the reality of the situation, I kept shoving it down whenever it would get to me, and "think about it tomorrow". Because of this, I was able to get through her illness, the funeral, wrapping up her last issues, helping her children and then getting through my husband's illness. I was sad, but it is only now, when things are slowing down, that I am really accepting that she is gone....and that I'll never have her again. When my mother died from cancer, I felt a certain peace, because we were ready and she had lived a good life, and I still felt her all around me. With my daughter, she just feels GONE!! My faith isn't sustaining me right now that she is in a better place or that I WILL see her again some day.

I know that this will pass....it has to for me to survive. What I do is try to stay active, FORCE myself to accept friends into my life and go on with normal activities, when I can....and allow myself to cry and feel the pain when it becomes too great.

I KNOW that I have a wonderful life.... I also KNOW that there are so many others that have worse things to go through for me. I am not resentful of others or wish my burdens on them. I still reach out to those in need when I can. But the pain is still there....and it is to be expected...as it is for you and everyone else on this forum. We grieve the ones we love and have lost or may lose or have to leave.... we grieve the life that is lost or will be lost. We grieve the abilities and the health and the energy that are gone. It is totally natural that this is so. I guess we just have to accept that this is part of life as well.... and just keep on struggling, hoping and accepting what help there is.

You have been so helpful to so many people over these last few years.... You have given hope to many because of your continuous struggle and your survival when survival didn't seem possible. You have been very strong and very giving.... but right now, you need to receive ..... let the gratitude of others lift you up right now and help you to remember all of the good things in your life. You are ALIVE.... you are still here...even when you're hurting, depressed and feeling hopeless...this is another day that you still have. It is filled with all the wonders of the world which our creator has given us. Even if you can't go out there running...or even walking, you can hear the birds, feel the sun, see the cloudss, smell the flowers, feel the love of Lori, your coworkers and friends and family...and US. Give into the depression once in a while Leroy....acknowledge it and accept it and as someone else said, maybe even roll around in it for a few days and sit on your pity pot and cry...then get back into the fight again. We're with you!!

Sent by betty obst | 10:00 AM ET | 05-07-2008

I agree with Marcia and Rebecca - about volunteering as therapy. Helping others can be wonderful therapy. It can be as simple as helping stuff envelopes at home - or writing letters. In fact, I wonder if Cancer Centers have programs where patients can get involved with small-project volunteering. If not, someone needs to start one!

Sent by Alice - from Nebraska | 10:03 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy, another honest post. I think many people dealing with cancer (patients and caretakers) struggle with varying levels of depression from time to time. It is especially difficult to remain upbeat and hopeful when chronic pain dominates your life.

If you don't have one already, I would advise seeing a therapist, either with Laurie and/or alone. There may be things that you need to work out privately now that are weighing you down. I understand and support your reluctance to add on any new meds. They may or not be advisable. A good therapist can help you figure that out.

Take care.

Sent by Marilyn | 10:04 AM ET | 05-07-2008

I suffered Post Partum Depression after the birth of my twins. Zoloft lifted me out of dispair, I didn't want to take care of my babies. I just 'went through the motions'. It helped me sleep (which you never get enough of w/newborn twins), made me less anxious and I could laugh again.

Then 4 years later as I was weening off of the drug when I was diagnosed with BC. After my 3 round of chemo I call my doctor and asked that my meds get upped. It lifted me out of the fog.

I know that many are hesitant to go this path, all that I can tell you is that for me it took the edge off, made it easier for me to cope and put light back into my life.

Try it, it can't hurt. good luck. Depression sucks almost as bad as cancer.

Sent by Janis | 10:16 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Hi Leroy. That is a tough one for all of us. I try to do the things that take me out of me. Find beauty in something.
Sometimes I look at old photos. They make me laugh or smile. Sometimes I paint. Playing with color helps me focus somewhere other than my own head. Sometimes I try to sit outside, look around and just breathe in and out.

Sent by Kahtleen | 10:17 AM ET | 05-07-2008

I started taking anti-depressants to help with hotflashes brought on by chemo and early menopause (also due to chemo). I tried to get off of them over Christmas, because like you, I hate the idea of taking more medicine. I could not stop crying - I am now on a different anti-depressant, and I do feel better, and mainly have more perspective about things. You are my hero,and your feelings are valid, all of them. Aside from exercise, nothing but the medication seems to help me. Sorry, I am not much help - but I am thinking and praying for you.

Sent by nancy | 10:18 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Celexa, Qigong, talk therapy and trying to do 'normal' as often as possible.
But I love alot of the suggestions made by others and plan to print them out so I can have them handy for future reference.
Thanks again, pal, for asking the questions we all need answers to.
Fondly,
Anita

Sent by Anita Solomon | 10:20 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Sometimes I choose to act "as if." What would I be doing if I weren't depressed? Then I try to do it. I act "as if" I am not depressed. That can actually pull me out of it. (Sometimes, not always.)

Acceptance helps, too. Not of the things causing the depression, but of my lowered energy level and "grayness." I accept that this is how it is at the moment, and try not to beat myself up about not being bright and chipper.

Sent by Bonnie | 10:21 AM ET | 05-07-2008

So you've relied on medicine & drugs to fight the cancer, but you won't rely on them to fight the depression? They are just another tool, another arrow in the quiver. Use them.

Sent by Jen in NOLA | 10:22 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Exercise. If that doesn't work..drugs. There are some excellent meds out there, Leroy. Because you're not able to exercise to any degree, and your depression is based on a tough reality, talk to your Doc and get the drugs.

Sent by Sharon | 10:25 AM ET | 05-07-2008

One more thing--it REALLY does help to talk to someone to whom you can tell everything without holding back, without feeling you're being selfish. For many people that's a therapist. Don't feel bad about that. Don't let it be a stigma. Everyone needs help sometimes. By talking about your problems you lighten your load. You may also connect with others going through similar trials and find comfort in shared experience. If you ever need to talk you can email me...which I know sounds funny as a stranger, but I'm serious. I've needed that at times in my life and would be glad to be just a friendly person willing to listen supportively, without judgment, if you ever want to try.

Sent by Alissa | 10:32 AM ET | 05-07-2008

After living vicariously with cancer through my sister's dx, treatments, passing, and struggling to live each day afterward without her, I have become very intimate with depression. I see it as a necessary evil in the acceptance and healing process. Some days it's useless for me to try to do anything constructive. No interest in reading, watching tv, work, etc. These are the days I just go with the flow. I allow myself to feel the feelings I hide to the outside world. I take the time to mourn what used to be and what might have been. Sometimes I cry. To me crying is a good catharsis. I write in my journal about all the things that I'm feeling. I don't take drugs to mask the emotional pain because I know that to get beyond the pain I have to allow myself to acknowledge it. I also know that the depression is fleeting. Although it comes and goes, I know that it will go eventually.
Leroy, with your pain, decreased mobility, treatment and their side effects, and those unmentionable thoughts that are either allowed to surface or are pushed to the back of your mind, You have the right to be depressed. How any of us handle depression is uniquely our own. It's something we have to come to terms with in our own way. I hope you find a way that works for you. My prayers are with you in your journey...

Sent by Susan H | 10:34 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy,

I'm sorry to hear that depression is a concern for you. I will certainly continue to pray for you and your needs.

I find that exercise helps when I feel depressed, music helps to dull the pain of depression and prayer can also provide a lift.

Hang in there.

I know it is difficult to be the picture happiness while you're having cancer treatment--however it might be helpful to focus on the positive side of your treatment instead of what might be happening.

If you are cancer-free for a week, a month, or a year--that is certainly something to celebrate.
I know those two words "What if" can really throw you for a loop--try to avoid them!

Best to you,
Rita :)

Sent by Rita | 10:38 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Dear Leroy,
Along with Marcelle, I strongly recommend acupuncture. Ever since my cancer surgery, I have gone to an acupuncturist to help alleviate my anxiety and fears. It has been truly wonderful in helping me reestablish a sense of well being. If you have never tried it, the idea of subjecting yourself to more needles may seem unappealing. BUT acupuncture needles are VERY tiny gauge and you will not even feel them, I promise. They remain in place for about 30 minutes as you rest in a quiet, darkened room, usually with soothing music. As you probably know, acupuncture has a long, long history in Chinese medicine and focuses on establishing a balanced flow of chi throughout the body. It doesn't require that you subscribe to any particular belief system. It is effective at relieving pain, at helping to establish better sleep, and at easing depression. All this with no drugs!! My acupuncturist is a lovely, compassionate, healing person, and I have gained tremendous benefits from our sessions. One session, of course, won't do it. You will want to commit to about six sessions in order to really achieve a therapeutic impact, but the sessions can be quite close together. There are acupuncturists who will treat you in your home, and that might be easiest for you. We can't overcome everything by the efforts of our conscious, rational minds--sometimes we need our bodies to be addressed in a different way to make progress.

Sending you and Laurie very best wishes and loving energy,
Kathleen

Sent by Kathleen Hoffmann | 10:49 AM ET | 05-07-2008

I dealt with depression for some time, as did my mom before me. The thing that really made a difference for me was a puppy! He's work - don't get me wrong - but when I get up in the morning and go out to the family room, he's always excited to see me and just sure that it's going to be a wonderful day. On top of that, he keeps me busy and focused outside myself. While a puppy may be a little high-energy, I'm sure you could get the same "mood altering" benefits from an older dog who's looking for a second chance.

Sent by Kathy Groh Canby | 10:49 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Dear Leroy -

There are many wise people out there eager to help you. I don't know that I can add much to the discussion other than to second many of the comments I have read. I too get depressed. Feeling better physically does make a difference. Is there one part of you that feels well--like your little finger, your shoulder, your heart? Focus on that center of wellness and recognize your body's strengths. It's so easy to let the pain dominate our thoughts and moods. My depression usually comes from being too much in my head, so you are doing the right thing by writing...that always helped me. Someone advised doing things or connecting with people to shift that inner focus. Easier said than done when pain and fatigue are prevailing, but the tiniest success in that direction always shifted my mood. Hang in there. Even the worst depression eventually lifts (per Jane Kenyon). I hold you in the light!

Sent by Susan | 10:52 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Fr. Benedict Groeschel points out that in his experience (including with many folks in desperate situations) the best way to deal with depression is to help someone else.

We're simply wired that way, & the positive effects are almost inevitable, once you start.

Of course you need to work within whatever your circumstances and physical limitations dictate. Perhaps a smile to a little one is all that you can manage - then that is enough, given from a spirit of charity.

Beyond this is the sure knowledge that our suffering can have deep meaning, that it can be the most effective, awesome prayer that we could ever offer.

For a deep, but encouraging read check out Salvifici Doloris by Pope JP2.

In my experience the knowledge that our suffering can be converted to tremendous good for someone else leads me to hope, and from hope to joy.

Joy that will not be quenched by loss, but rather will be increased by that very suffering.

I will pray for you today.

Sent by Bob Lozano | 10:54 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Miles Levin's dictum was "keep fighting, stop struggling". That helped him with confronting cancer and helps me with enduring depression over having lost him.

Sent by Jon Levin | 10:54 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy,
I'm not as far along in the battle with the Beast as you are, but I know what you mean by the depression. I am a 49-year old, married-for-28-years, mother of a wonderful 11-year old girl. Today, I am 18 days shy of my 2-year anniversary of D-Day (Diagnosis Day for stage IV colon cancer). Since D-Day I have had: a colon re-section done locally, 4 rounds of chemo, 4-weeks of waiting, a liver re-section and hysterectomy at M.D. Anderson (~75% of liver involved and both ovaries at time of diagnosis), 6 weeks of recovery, 6 more rounds of the biweekly chemo, 8 weeks of recovery, surgery to repair the incisional hernia from all the other surgeries, 5 1/2 months of blessed freedom, then a rather shocking day where the doctor said, "It's back." (Non-operable, multiple places in both lungs.

Near the end of last year, my doctor rightly pushed me to wait and go on the big vacation we had planned. then get through the holidays. before I started back on chemo. At that point, I thought since I knew what I was getting into, I knew I could handle it, let's get started on the fight. Since going back again on chemo again in Febrary, I believe I have had every side-effect listed from FOLFOX + Avastin, and at least one that wasn't listed. We are now at chemo every 4th week instead of every other week, because I was getting so weak. Right now I'm in the first round where I haven't gotten some side infection that kept me down until right before starting the next round.

I have friends and family whom I adore. They have taken care of me through this beyond anything that I could have ever imagined. On the good days I know that I am the luckiest person in the world to have people whom I love and who love me. On the bad days, that thought is more like a memory, and the big thing that looms in my mind is the doctor saying, "This is now a chronic illness ... you will be on chemo off and on for the rest of your life." I also can remember him (because I asked) that, statistically, the rest of that life was 8-15 months.

But on to your question. I wish I had an answer for you on how to deal with the depression. I wish I had that same answer for me, too. I wish that there didn't come a point during every chemo cycle where I hit bottom, mentally and physically, my wonderful daughter didn't catch me in tears, and my husband didn't have to take the brunt of my frustion at my inability to do anything.

I do my best to celebrate any good day, and when there is not a good day for a while, to celebrate any day that is not as bad as the one before. When there are days in a row of pretty darn much physical misery, I try to celebrate any little thing that is good -- a food that I can eat and enjoy for a change, something good to read, the weather, somebody that will listen to me complain without letting me see the pain in their eyes. Plus those family and friends that are hanging in there, keeping me going, and pushing me on.

I continue to fight the battle, but I am at peace with what the doctor says is the inevitable outcome. I do believe in miracles, and I know that having these last two years has been a miracle after that diagnosis. The best part of that miracle has been the absolute assurance that my loved ones feel for me as strongly as a feel for them.

My faith is never as strong as I would like it to be, but there is a beautiful prayer in The Book of Common Prayer of the Episcopal Church that I found early on, and I hope you don't mind me sharing.
"This is another day, O Lord. I know not what it will bring forth, but make me ready, Lord, for whatever it may be. If I am to stand up, help to stand up bravely. If I am to sit still, help me to do it quietly. And if I am to do nothing, let me do it gallantly. Make these words more than words, and give me the Spirit of Jesus. Amen."

Good luck to you. Even though there are days when you can't help thinking of yourself (even if just for a minute) as a cancer victim, remember that it is not who you are. Celebrate who you are, and the life you have lead so far, and the life you continue to lead. Celebrate, also, the people you are touching everyday, even when you think what you're writing is not the profound words of wisdom you would like. Some days, we can be the people you moan to without having to see the pain in our eyes. Your words and thoughts matter, as do you.
--Dianne, Concord, NC

Sent by Dianne Ericson | 10:58 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Hello Leroy,
First-timer here. I read that Winston Churchill fought depression all his life. He called it "the big black dog". Maybe externalizing it gives it a form outside of yourself & makes it easier to confront? Best of luck....

Sent by Andrew C | 11:04 AM ET | 05-07-2008

I doesn't seem that you are very fond of any sort of alternative treatments, but I hope you can find a way to open your heart and mind to a more holistic viewpoint. What you are describing is *exactly* what mind-body medicine is all about. Start by just reading (or listening to) "Full Catastrophe Living" by Jon Kabat Zinn. Then see if there is a mindfulness meditation class or workshop at your hospital. You want a class developed from a medical perspective because they quickly get to the heart of the sorts of issues you are facing. It really makes a HUGE difference - with no meds and no needles. Acupuncture has also been discussed here and it is a great idea. You are in a place now where these things could be very helpful to you, but you'd have to be able to be receptive to them. I follow your journey every day, and sincerely hope you can find a path to comfort.

Sent by keri | 11:13 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy, My husband asked me the same thing the other day. Sadness and depression are two different things. I was severely depressed after my stomach cancer. My GP gave me a prescription for Remeron and it was wonderful. No side effects, it helped my appetite and made me feel much better, it got me out of the slump. Now I don't need drugs, but I have bouts of sadness. When I start thinking about what I cannot do anymore, I consciously have to stop this negative thinking and start thinking of what I can do and what I have. I have a husband who loves me very much, I have a sister who I can share my feelings with, I have a wonderful friend who would do anything for me, I have a little doggy who is may constant companion. I am still mobile, even though driving is out. I can still read a book, eat what I want to eat, enjoy observing nature in my backyard and lots of other little things that make me happy. I belong to several on-line forums which I read everyday and offer my help if I can. There are many people out there that have things a lot worse than I do and I have to remind myself of that. I wish you the best Leroy at overcoming your sadness. You're alive, it's Spring, go ahead and try a drug, it may very well help to get you over the hump, it did me. Hugs to you and Laurie.I

Sent by Ruth White | 11:17 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Interestingly, although I suffered bad episodes of depression a couple of times in my life pre-cancer, I don't think I have ever really felt clinically depressed since I entered cancer world. The battle was just too serious to let myself go there when I was in treatment and then post treatment I have been fighting other battles--to get back to a new normal I feel I can live with. I have been frustrated, discouraged, sad, and angry but never depressed.

But I can certainly understand why anyone fighting the battles does get depressed, especially when chronic pain is involved. And the usual thing, other than meds, I have used to cure depression is exercise which doesn't really work well in your case.

So I'm sorry but this probably isn't helping at all. Except to tell you that you are in my thoughts--and those of so many people here whose lives you have touched. I hope your depression doesn't minimize that.

Sent by N.R. | 11:18 AM ET | 05-07-2008

When I had my third breast cancer recurrence, I found it very difficult to cope. Especially since the nature of the cancer prevented me from eating solid food (many tumors were leaning on my organs and my colon which caused me to be hospitalized for blockages 4 times.) I was eating creamed soups and milkshakes for about 4 months and then chopped food for another 6 months. I was feeling very sorry for myself. My good friend and former employer would listen to me and let me know that I had every right to feel sorry for myself and be depressed. After all, look what I was going through. Sometimes being able to say how you feel out loud helps alot. I know that when I read your blog it makes me feel better just knowing that I'm not alone. Hang in there. Try to think of something that would brighten your day and make it happen. I find that music always makes me feel better. I put on my favorite singer and get lost in the music. Prayers as always.

Sent by Linda | 11:23 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Dear Leroy,
This topic came up in my support group last night, and one of the suggestions that resonated with me was this one (I found this to be true when I was dealing with depression after being laid off, too):
Find something and give your time to it--some kind of volunteer energy to a cause/project that means something to you personally. Giving to others often means less focus on oneself and *I* believe it triggers endorphins (or some other 'feel good' thingies in the brain). It doesn't have to be much, sometimes it can just be talking to someone who needs a sounding board or a willing ear to listen.
As my dad used to say, 'just my advice--probably worth what you paid for it'!
Best wishes for you,

Sent by Julie H | 11:23 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy,

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I am going to once again suggest that you contact the hospice of your choice. Hospice is equipped to control pain, provide therapy, prescribe appropriate meds, as well as other benefits. The sooner you hire them, the more they can do.

I am so sorry you are down, but how could you not be?You are dealing with one of the hardest tasks in life. Please reach out and let those who can help you.

Blessings.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 11:31 AM ET | 05-07-2008

L~ ONE GOOD BIT OF ADVISE A DOC GAVE ME DURING TREATMENT WAS TO 'TAKE WHATEVER THEY GIVE YOU' TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. I THINK YOU SHOULD TREAT YOUR DEPRESSION THE WAY YOU WOULD ANY OTHER CONDITION ASSOCIATED WITH YOUR CURRENT STATE. YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH HELL ALREADY, WHY PUT UP WITH ANY ADDITIONAL MENTAL OR PHYSICAL AGGRAVATION IF THERE'S SOMETHING YOU CAN TAKE TO ALLEVIATE IT.

Sent by JOHN PARKER | 11:33 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Well, first of all, I hope you will consider a mild anti-depressant. Several of my family members have taken them and gotten relief without any bad effects.Exercise helps, but in your case, that may not be an option, except for your physical therapy. Unlike my loved ones, I do not suffer from the kind of crushing clinical depression that strikes out of the blue, unrelated to events in my life. Rather, when I feel down, it's due to what's happening or not happening around me. Usually, it's something I can't really change. So it helps me to stay busy at work or get involved in a volunteer job. Focusing on nature and on the small, everyday beauties helps sometimes.Listening to music can make me cry -- and crying brings release. Also, weird as it sounds, it has sometimes helped me to be involved with people whose problems made mine seem small.

Sent by Doris | 11:50 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy,
I'm sure you have noticedd that a large percentage of the responses are from females, we are the nurturing half. Since we are wired differently than our male counterparts I suggest that you check the emails from your male following first and then go back read the other responses. Cmon guys Leroy needs your suggestions. Already you have over 70 listed emails that should lift your spirits a little. Hang in there we are rooting for you.

Sent by Barb | 11:51 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy,
Please read Wendy Harpham's post carefully. Depression is not like being sad or having the blues. It is a medical condition and needs to be looked at that way. You cannot just "snap out of it" or "look on the bright side" and chocolate, etc. or temporary distractions are not going to fix it. Clinical depression can be brought on by precisely the sort of things you have been dealing with.
Please treat this with the objectivity and determination that you show towards all medical issues. If this condition can be resolved, your (and Laurie's)quality of life can be much improved.
Please excuse me for giving you advice, but I feel strongly about this. Many and various treatment approaches exist to treat this condition so you can choose a course that suits you.
As always, wishing you and Laurie all the best.

Sent by Gene Koeneman | 11:53 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Dear Leroy,
Over ten years ago when I was in chemo for ovarian cancer and dealing with a husband with serious addcition problems I was told I was clinically depressed. Funny, I did not feel depressed. I took Prozac for a long time. I had no side effects from it and it just evened out the highs and lows. I felt so much better taking it.
Since moving from California to Pennsylvania, dealing with my own cancer and my daughter's and serious family financial problems I felt I was sliding back into serious depression. I have been trying to handle it without medication, but if it gets worse I will see my doctor and discuss medication.
Spring is finally here and the landscape is beautiful with huge flowering trees and green everywhere. This has lifted my spirits. I am trying to force myself to get out. I go to Curves three days a week and that helps. I know with your physical limitations and pain it is hard for you to excercise the way you used to. I am starting to make some friends in the "quilting community" and that helps, too. I really miss my friends in California.
Well, enough blabbering. I hope you find relief from your pain and discomfort because that makes it so hard to do other things. Keep looking for things to occupy your wonderful mind without taxing your body. You and Laurie are in my thoughts and prayers.
Wishing you a beautiful day!
Charlotte in Rural Ridge, PA

Sent by Charlotte Kewish | 11:55 AM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy, it does not suprise me that you are suffering from depression. Chronic pain impacts the brain and the amount of neurotrasmitters available to the brain. It is every bit a medical illness as diabetes, and no one would suggest to a diabetic that they just think happy thoughts and their diabetes would disappear. I am sure there is a physicatrist that specializes in oncology depression at the medical center you go to. Make an appointment and find out if it's a clinical depression that needs treated with medication or if you just need someone to talk to about all the pain and suffering that you are going through. There are several new and good antidepressants on the market. I do not have cancer, but have had trouble with chronic pain the last 20 years of my life. My neurologist/psychiatrist was able to verify that there were changes in my brain chemistry by using a PET scan. I will probably be on Parnate (a very old antidepressent) for the rest of my life.

So ask. It won't hurt to try.

Sent by nld in WV | 12:18 PM ET | 05-07-2008

My theory on depression is take the medicine. It works. If you had a headache you would take an asprin. Why suffer with this when you don't have to.

Sent by Maureen Reville | 12:20 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Hi Leroy. I'm so orry to hear you have yet one more beast to fight. Depression can be such a formidable opponent. For me, spirited conversations and laughter with friends, helping others who need a shoulder or hand, cuddling with my 2 chocolate labs, and keeping a gratitude journal every day really helps.

When writing in a daily gratitude journal you are challenging yourself to think of as many positive, good things in your life as you possibly can for at least that brief moment. Most days I'm surprised at how many good things I am actually grateful for. Among those things are the camaraderie of this blog family and your beautiful, insightful writings. I am indeed grateful that you are part of my cancer journey. I am praying for your healing and for medical breakthroughs for all of us. Bonita in Seattle

Sent by Bonita Rostenbach | 12:43 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy, I know everyone will have loads of advice, and so do I. One is to take a scheduled anti-depressant, and I think that does a world of good. But - there is another depression, and I know I just struggled with it. Where do you look for hope in the midst of this struggle? Which is, to me, the question you asked. I think I had to answer the question for myself as to "why am I here?" With help, I came to some peace. I am here because it is good right now to be here. Tomorrow will bring whatever it will bring, and I can't know that. For you, I hope tomorrow will bring symptom relief, which would make today liveable. Stress to your care team that you NEED relief, so that today can be a day to rejoice in living.

Sent by Judy Novak | 12:53 PM ET | 05-07-2008

One thing I noticed in our house was when Joe was sick and very depressed and rightfully so, there were no smiles in our house. He didn't have a mood that I didnt share. We just vibrated off each other, so if you feel it she does to. With treatment you both will feel better. Get the treatment for her.

Sent by Irene | 12:55 PM ET | 05-07-2008

I am an 8 year survivor of appendix cancer and have had over the years many surgeries, procedures and poisonings....What keeps me "sane" is acupuncture from an experienced 5 element practitioner. I know "sane" is somewhat a relative term, but I know I am easier to live with and I do feel better on many occasions. After all, what do you have to lose...as they say on the TV show Eli Stone....ride the needle.

Sent by Mina | 1:02 PM ET | 05-07-2008

It sounds silly, but the very act of laughing makes me feel better.

Sent by Susan Jordan | 1:03 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Dear Leroy,
You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers each and every day -- I do trust that this very understandable bout with depression will pass, and that you'll find yourself in a new, and yet familiar, peaceful place. Meanwhile, my gratitude to you is profound. In posing the two questions: "How do you deal with depression?" and "Finish this sentence: My cancer ...", you have tapped into a rich storehouse of experienced consciousness from which we can all benefit. I have just printed off both the questions and the responses, and will return to them again and again. Humanity ... We're all in this together! I hope that you have gained (and will continue to gain) enormous hope and communion from the voices and prayers of your many loved ones and admirerers. You are a gift to us all.

Best wishes today and always,
Kim Forester

Sent by Kim Forester | 1:03 PM ET | 05-07-2008

I find that a long hug from someone who is really good at hugging does wonders. cuddling with a furry friend is also healing. they always love you no matter what and are so sensitive to your moods.

Sent by Kathy Miller | 1:11 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Hi
I love hearing from you every day, I so look forward to your email. Sometimes I wish they were longer, just being selfish I guess. As for depression. My sister died 2 years ago from NHL. She never got depressed once, not that I knew of anyway, she had a brand new granddaughter and knew her time was limited. Every chance she got outside of the hospital, she shopped till she dropped. I know this will probably not work for you being a guy and all lol, I would go the meds route if I was you. I know there is a lot of good stuff out there nowadays, go get some and feel better.
Peace to you and yours keep on keeping on my man.

Sent by fay | 1:35 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Depression is hard. I try to will myself out of the situational stuff but take meds for the deeper stuff. And sometimes I can't figure out what it what. I write when I feel I'm really suffering and that helps, and I read. Sometimes I read about how horrific other people's problems are and for some reason that makes my problems seem so much less in the scheme. None of my "solutions" are long lasting and maybe that's okay too.

Sent by Janell | 1:42 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Go outside, preferably into water.

Sent by Phyllis | 1:50 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Hi Leroy,
I do suffer from depression, but I would recommend this before adding medication. Get a doctor and a psychiatrist to do a full review of any medications you are taking now to ensure that one of the medications does not have a side effect of depression or other emotional disturbance. If you find something at that point, then discuss how your medication might be altered.
If you don't find anything there, then I would consider both medication and talk therapy. And discuss with a psychiatrist all the ways you can combat depression. I do push the word psychiatrist for one reason--you have cancer doctors to handle the cancer, make sure you talk to a depression doctor to handle the depression. And then, make sure that both those doctors COMMUNICATE about your treatment.

Sent by Libby | 1:55 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Dear Leroy,

I am not sure it's possible for you now but I suspect being able to cover world events for a news organization would help a great deal. Maybe there would be way to work remotely from home on stories for Nightline or with Ted Koppel again. It would sure help the world of journalism to have you back covering the world!

When I really need a pick me up, I rent comedy dvds. Richard Pryor never fails to crack me up.

Best regards - Brin

Sent by Brin | 2:00 PM ET | 05-07-2008

My work involves interacting with people in what has been described as "third world poverty." Living a life of grinding poverty and chaos, this population suffers greatly from depression. Many times, I have heard horrific stories to be ended with "but it will be all right." They all inspire me greatly. When I give, it is returned to me many times over.

Sent by N. Holmes | 2:01 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Dearest Leroy - whatever you take away from all of this advice, please see that you are already doing something beyond yourself to help others! I've known despair living with cancer, and have been helped with meditation/yoga, herbal remedies and the surprise love of four-legged creatures. My latest teacher/remedy is Miriam Greenspan, whose book, 'Healing Trough the Dark Emotions', deals with the wisdom of grief, fear and despair. Her perspective is comforting and pragmatic.

Blessings to you and Laurie.

Sent by Joan S. | 2:04 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Pray Pray Pray. Ask God to show you something so you know he is real. Then Have a Party. There is nothing like a party to uplift the spirits, even if you don't feel like having your spirit lifted. There is great comfort when you are surrounded by people who truly love you. Even if you can't enjoy the whole party you will be absorbed into the interaction between your guests. Don't be elaborate just offer a time and place and for a little while enjoy life.

Sent by Judy Van Lishout | 2:04 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy, I am adding my vote to those who are suggesting getting the right antidepresant that works for you. I have lived all of my adult life with the beast called depression and medications have made all the difference for me and my family. A good therapist is also a strong tool, you can say what you are feeling without having the worry of hurting a family member or friend. That can take a lot of pressure off Laurie. This additional beast is also a strong opponent and this too is a "down-and-dirty-fight".
Ruth White, it was good to see you posting and hope that your procedure was sucessful. lac

Sent by Lou Ann Caywood | 2:11 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Depression is a lack of HOPE for the day. Remember ALL you have done to fight this beast, and ALL you will do..THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE. (it's ok to feel a wee bit down for a wee bit-But that's it) Do not linger in Depression for there is HOPE. LOOK UP! And look around - See Laurie!!

Sent by Joan Weaver, Front Royal, Va | 2:25 PM ET | 05-07-2008

I thought long and hard about your question. The only one sustaining thing I could think of is: I think back at times when I felt worse than I do today. I concentrate on the small things. Small movements. Things I can do now that I couldn't at one time. I block the times when I felt better, and concentrate on when I felt worse. It seems to help a little, because it gives you hope. Hang in there.

Sent by Juanita Helms | 2:25 PM ET | 05-07-2008

This is a tough one, Larry. You've been to hell and back a few times now, and when the recuperation between trips seems endless and tedious, it's only natural to feel depressed. In a very real sense, you've earned the right to it, but it isn't where you want to be, that's clear. So . . . what are the options? For me, it's always been a combination of music and reading. An hour with some beautiful music and a ripping good story to accompany it can sometimes take me away from myself long enough to catch my breath. Then there are those favorite movies and TV shows I keep in reserve to bolster my spirits when things look bleak. A few episodes of "Frazier" always tend to make me feel better, especially when Eddie the pup is featured. And I don't care HOW many times I've seem them, the old "Thin Man" movies are still fabulous. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm thinking of you today - and every day - and hoping that each day gets easier for you. Bless you!

Sent by Susan Crawford | 2:30 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy, there is a big difference between periods of sadness and depression. If you are depressed, try the meds. They work and you don't have to be on them forever. You have enough to deal with without having to struggle with depression. With love and best wishes,
Jen

Sent by Jen | 2:33 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Effexor. I really didn't want to go on it but my onc said "isn't this OK? Do you have to be superwoman through everything? Isn't OK to get just a little help? OK, so I went on it. The side effects for me are...I'm not depressed and don't have to deal with that on top of everything else. I just tried it for a couple months and have been on it ever since. Big difference in my quality of life.

Sent by Karen D. | 2:57 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy:I had a stroke, faced vision loss, job retirement,dependence on others and limitations on what I can do. I became very depressed and fought it for over a year. My Doc gave me Lexapro which I refused to take for the longest.Finally, it got so bad I gave in an starting taking it. It has helped as they say to even out things,especially the anxiety which was bad. It is however your choice to make,but I wish I had not waited so long to use it. May the Grace of the Lord shine on us all.

Sent by Hal | 3:00 PM ET | 05-07-2008

My sister had a nervous break down due to depression 40 years ago. Now she is having trouble again. This time it is due to the loss of her husband to colon cancer 4 years ago, the loss of her daughter-in-law to pancreatic cancer 8 months ago, & her oldest son who was diagnosed with colon cancer, then prostate cancer, & now 2 months ago kidney cancer. He is having chemo for the first time & having a very rough time of it. My husband, who was diagnosed 2 years ago with lung cancer sometimes gets depressed, but he seems to hang in there. I get the blues, but seem to snap out of it after a couple of days. Why one person gets depressed & another has a nervous breakdown, while another hangs in there, & another just gets a little blue, is the same question as to why one person gets cancer & another doesn't. I don't think we will ever know, so all we can do is support each other however we can & with whatever we have. You support all of us with this blog & hopefully we support you with our comments. Hang in there Leroy, we all love you very much & we are all in this together!!!

Sent by Kathy | 3:28 PM ET | 05-07-2008

In my experience, depression derives from fear, anxiety, worry, regret, shame, guilt, grief, etc., all of which point to the past or future. Maybe one way to escape depression is to escape into the present moment -- doing whatever it is that is most engaging, that most focuses the attention on the moment. For me, it's often working out or walking, which I know you can't do now (aside from PT, which sounds like quite a workout in itself). Maybe observing something, puzzling through something, creating something, listening to something ... ? Whatever holds your attention and especially if it's so engaging that the pain diminishes.

Wishing you wellness, as always --

~ Molly

Sent by M Wms | 3:33 PM ET | 05-07-2008

2003 was a bad year for me. I celebrated my first anniversary cancer free. I went from worried about reoccurrence to ticked-off that I was worried to panic. When I felt depression creeping I started grasping at any "cure". What finally did the trick was planning an elaborate well-funded retirement life. I guess I just needed to do some extreme dreaming to be able to see myself with a future. By the number of replies to today's post apparently there is no one remedy for depression.

Peace & Prayers,
Joan Marie

Sent by Joan Marie | 3:48 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Dear Leroy--

I remind myself that I made this deal. Today's effects are my choice. My cancer wasn't...no more than I chose it, can i unchoose it. It's part of my life for better or worse from here on out...all I can choose is how I deal with it. The "problems" are because I chose to go on...I could choose not to...to let it take its course... but I've CHOSEN not to...and along with that I get the whole package. That's the deal.but at least I chose it.

I may not be be able to control of my disease.. but I am in control of how I deal WITH it. Reminding myself that I have THAT control..is something I find satisfying in and of itself: My doctors, my family.. NO one,not even this bizarre disease, can take THAT control away from me unless I let them...When I don't like this choice, I remind myself that I have the right to make the other one and say...it's time. That alone is enough to tide me over the hump for now. There may be a time when I make the "other" choice..but again, that will be MY choice too. Strangely, it's a sense of control I never felt in my pre-cancer life. I like that:-)

Sent by Joe S. , Johns Creek, GA | 3:52 PM ET | 05-07-2008

I give my six-year old daughter a hug and my dog a scratch on his head. My daughter tells me to quit squeezing her so tight. The dog rolls over for a belly rub and waves his front feet at me. Then, I thank God for the little joys in my life.

Sent by Stacy Fox | 4:03 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Dear Leroy,
Good question today. Once you hear that dx--stage IV, no cure, life changes forever. For me, no matter how hard I try it is always present in my thoughts. I would love to have a cancer free day or weekend but it is what it is. So what to do....at this point, I am resisting medication. Its my life and my cancer and I am not ready to mute it with more medication. So I have good days and sad days. It helps to talk to others who have the same dx-to know that you are not alone. (Sometimes I feel like Peter Rabbit getting caught in Mr. MacGregor's garden!) Support groups, web sites are ways to talk to others---your blog! I also give myself permission to be sad and cry if I feel like it but not for too long. I also find that distraction works-I cook, paint, read and work as I am able. We bought a puppy and he is a huge distraction. Lastly, I pray through out the day and it all helps.

I am praying for you now, to find peace and freedom from pain and sadness.

Take care,
Mary C.

Sent by Mary C. in Kingston, MA | 4:34 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy,
You are already helping out a lot of people by doing this blog 5 days a week. I don't think you need more volunteer work. Get a therapist and accept meds, if deemed appropriate, to treat your depression.

Sent by Marilyn | 4:54 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Dear Leroy,

I suffer from depression on and off and have found that sometimes it's just not something you can plow through without the help of an antidepressant. I agree with others who wrote that depression is a medical condition that deserves to be treated the same as you would treat cancer or another illness. Prozac has worked very well for me, along with watching funny movies. It wasn't until the Prozac kicked in that I could stop crying, and begin to enjoy any of the goodies in life, like the sun, chocolate bars, friends and family, etc.! Please don't deny yourself this relief! Call your doctor tomorrow!

Best wishes!!

Sent by Emily | 5:08 PM ET | 05-07-2008

When you see that dark cloud coming you just refuse to let it win.

Sent by Jeannie | 5:30 PM ET | 05-07-2008

How about a really big communal prayer? I mean where you let us know that on a specific day you'd like a prayer from anyone in any way for your [insert specific side effect] to go away for one day. There are so many people already praying, but I am talking about a BIG pray-in for Leroy, focused and coordinated. Just let me know when!

Sent by Sara Chan | 5:31 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy,I try not to think of it. Easy to say. I just focus on other things. I have noticed I get angry faster, have less patience. So I try not be impatient, again easy to say. None of this is easy, not a single part. It is a miracle we all don't have terminal depression!! I guess, the answer is, I don't have an answer. Hang in there, Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 5:33 PM ET | 05-07-2008

I am not sure there is one good answer for your question. I have a "temporary solution" that I sometimes use especially if I find myself dwelling on my diagnosis and feeling overwhelmed by it. I gather my nearest dearest friends and plan an evening of fun. Just get together, talk, laugh, drink a bottle of wine (or 2 if I feel the need) and laugh some more. It doesn't have to be any special occasion other than celebrating good company. One of my favorites is just a night of playing cards. Something simple, and relaxing with people that I love and that can make me laugh, and then laugh some more. I often wake up the next day feeling a little lighter some how, as though some of my burden has vanished.
I toast to your good health, and good spirits.

Sent by Theresa Lovin | 5:37 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy, What an important question you have asked. Cancer involves so much loss and suffering, and depression is like adding salt to a wound. There are a myriad of answers in what people do, as seen in all of these responses. I think what is important to consider is whether the depression is a sometimes thing, or does it go on day after day and take away what pleasure you might experience. If it is chronic it deserves medical attention, even as you would attend to any cancer symptom. There is enough that we go through without adding another chronic and debilitating illness. We deserve the most that life can give under very difficult circumstances. Whether it is medication, acupuncture, therapy, if it enriches our life we deserve it.

Sent by Linda | 7:20 PM ET | 05-07-2008

YOU are doing something useful for ALL of us.. writing about the day to day living with this disease. When I start feeling depressed, funny as it sounds, I start thanking God... I start counting my blessings; a roof over my head, supportive friends, relatives, natures wonders, material things, etc. It snaps me back to the reality that I am still alive, have a purpose and am lucky to be another day above ground :-)

Sent by Jo Ann Baswell, Margate, FL | 7:28 PM ET | 05-07-2008

As most have already stated, depression is so insidious. My husband and I continue to battle depression which started with his cancer diagnosis. Anti-depressants have helped tremendously (we are both on low doses of Lexapro) as well as reading the Psalms. I've called it the Book of Whiners...not to be irreverent, but because the writers of Psalms really, really express how I feel! Psalm 40 for me, Psalm 130 for my husband plus many, many others. Also, Ed Welch's book, Depression was very, very helpful. Blessings, Leroy...may God lift you out of the pit!

Sent by Carol | 7:30 PM ET | 05-07-2008

So many good thoughts here, already. I think if you have a basically resilient personality (and I definitely would guess you do!), the good news is that allowing yourself to feel the depression for a while might mean it will sort of naturally cycle away. Everyone is different; this won't be true of everyone and it's only a guess, from a distance, for you.
For me, a good movie is OK, but a good book is splendid because it takes me out of myself in a sustained way. Novels are so transporting. I could recommend so many: some are lighter, some are darker, but in the recent months, my favorites were: Death of Vishnu by Manil Suri; Cleaver by Tim Parks; Animal Dreams by Barbara Kingsolver; Tree of Smoke by Denis Johnson; The Sea Lady by Margaret Drabble; Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami; Call be By Your Name by Andre Aciman; Gifted by Nikita Lalwani; Parable of the Sower by Octavia Butler, also Kindred by Butler; Skinner's Drift by Lisa Fugard; Regeneration by Pat Barker; The Beautiful Things that Heaven Bears by Dinaw Mengestu; What is the What by Dave Eggers; Heaven's Edge by Romesh Gunesekera; The Attack by Yasmina Khadra; The Ten Year Nap by Meg Wolitzer; anything by Ian McEwan!!

Recent nonfiction favorites: Buffalo in the House by ND Rosen; anything, for serenity, by Thich Nhat Hahn.

Feel better soon.

Sent by Barbara K. | 7:45 PM ET | 05-07-2008

One reason us cancer patient get depressed is because many of us are constantly trying to maintain a brave, happy, front for the rest of the world. It is no wonder you are depressed - what you have gone through and are going through. You are probably also suffering from cabin fever. If you can, get out for a car ride someplace scenic. I thought the idea above about maybe doing a little work for the news on other topics than cancer was a great one. Personally, my dogs do wonders for my moods.

It's funny - I got my scan results 2 weeks ago, they were pretty good, but I couldn't get excited. After you've had cancer for a while I think you try and avoid getting too happy in case you're headed for a fall. It's like living on the edge of a cliff in Malibu. Your house may be fine another 50 years or may fall into the ocean tomorrow. People without chronic illnesses and cancer don't think about their mortality on a daily basis, but we do.

Definitely look into therapy or meds, Leroy.

Sent by Marcia Greer | 7:50 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy,
Your depression brings back memories of my trying to keep Leon from being depressed. Some days I succeeded, others I did not. He never said a lot but I could tell. One day I will never forget is when he said "If the good Lord didn't say it was wrong, I would just go over to the back forty (acres)..."--he didn't have to finish the sentence. He was never in a lot of pain, in fact, the depression could be about as bad.
Laurie Hirth--I'm with you on the loneliness. It has been 13 months today--and I REALLY am alone and will always be. I have wonderful kids, grand-kids, and great sisters and brothers who would do anything in the world for me but.....I am SO ALONE!
Jane

Sent by Jane from AR | 7:58 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Good question and it's so hard to sort out the struggle of dealing with it all from 'depression." It's more, isn't it? It's the despair, the anguish, loss and grief. It's the chronic pain you're living with...more than enough to bear. My tonics echo everyones above, which I loved reading: NO pain, sleep (the Bard had it right) and it is so under-rated, walking (tough call just now, though but the next might do), water (pool, bath), sauna, soaking in beauty, music (sometimes very loud whatever I'm in the mood for); learning Italian (a lot more mileage on this than I'd anticipated and with all I have to learn, great insurance to keep the wolves at bay), hugs, chocolate (of course), a good strong single malt, fur friends -- maybe a new little one, doing something for someone else (Ronald McDonald House?), baking bread, playing Scarlett..."tomorrow is another day," crocheting something soft in a beautiful color -- don't laugh, remember Rosy Greer's knitting?...laughing, crying, dreaming about something I've always wanted to do (Italian...) and doing it even though it makes no sense. Accupuncture. Smelling something wonderful -- roses, Meyer lemons...reaching out. Thank you.

Sent by Marcia E. | 8:01 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Hi Leroy. You sure have a lot of people who love and care about you, they have offered some really good advice. For what its worth... I take a B-12 supplement, it seems to help. I sit for a couple minutes in the sunshine when I'm feeling a lot of despair, and I do feel when I do that. Sometimes I eat a piece of chocolate, and take a long time to savor it, concentrating on the wonderful subtle flavors as it melts in my mouth. Other times, I sit outside when it is very dark, stare at the stars on crystal clear nights, and simply cry and allow myself to feel sadness, and validate my feelings that so many things are so unjust, unfair and just plain wrong. I talk to deceased family and friends at those times, and often beg for guidance. After that, I go to bed, and wake up the next day, hoping I feel a little bit better. I hope you feel a little bit better too, I care too, and every day my thoughts are with you.

Sent by Jen | 8:30 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Feeling sick and uncomfortable sucks the energy and optimism out of life. Not to mention lack of refreshing sleep.
Small victories are all that matter here, a deep rest, a welcome feeling of hunger, a focus of interest. Little things that are huge.

Sent by Babs | 8:39 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy, after following these messages throughout the day, I have more than ever, come to the conclusion that MEDICATION is not the way to go. We MUST try to help ourselves and not the drug companies. The medical profession is out of control with greed. We CAN help ourselves and remain in control of our own destiny. Stop whining and find something worthwhile in Gods Green Acres! Leroy, your query was well founded and we all have been there with this "Monster" we deal with. But DEAL with it and let us not mask it!

Sent by J C R | 8:39 PM ET | 05-07-2008

What do you do about depression. You recognize it, you acknowledge it and own it. Of course you can be depressed. But try not to make it a self-fulling prophesy. You find just one thing that you can do, it can be to gather the strength to brush your teeth if that takes all the energy you have at the moment. But,it's something that you did. And eventually,the mood will improve. That I do know.

Sent by Fern Malowitz | 9:04 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy,
My husband's doctors have tried for months to give him anti-depressants because they assumed if you have cancer you must be depressed. He, however, has never had a problem with it but he is inthe hospital for 3 1/2 weeks and three of that was in icu so they slipped zoloft to him. When he became completely aware he was not happy and has refused it. He seems to find comfort completely in his friends and family eventhough his life is nothing like it used to be. Today was the first day his grandchildren could visit and that was wonderful. Our small grandsons couldn't decide which was more exciting..the possibility of a helicoptor landing outside or waiting for their "pap" to pee in a tube. Children, in small doses, invaribly make you laugh and forget how bad you feel. God Bless.

Sent by kathie | 9:09 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy,
Marilyn is exactly right. You are already 'volunteering'. You need a therapist to scream to and maybe some meds.

Your blog brings out a lot of feelings--mine might be the last today and maybe that's a good thing--maybe it won't be read by a lot of people. I think that some people don't want to hear from the people left behind.

I took some meds to keep me from crying so much when my husband was on the last half of his journey. I couldn't, wouldn't cry in front of him unless he cried first (he never did). All the anti-depressants did was make me not cry. They didn't alter at all what I was feeling--I just didn't cry (Laurie, remember this). I think that it was important for Pat that I didn't cry.

My depression was deep and hard and it didn't go 'easily into the night'. I have cried more nights than I want to remember.

Over time, I have been able to wean myself off most things--the meds, the powerpoint presentation of Pat that ran at the funeral home, and Sasha, even the wine.

Damn, I hate to say it but life does go on. We adjust, we live (whether we want to or not) and we learn to live without half of us.

I don't watch the powerpoint presentation any where near as much as I used to. There are days that I know I need to cry and then I watch Pat's life unfold in front of me and it reminds me of what I'm missing.

But it is getting better--I know I'm not getting stronger--I'm the same person but I'm accepting that I won't be seeing Pat for a while. Thank God I have my faith--I DO know that I will be seeing him again.

A friend of mine once said," What's the point in believing in God and Heaven? I don't think I do." I thought about it for a while and said, "I'd rather believe that Heaven and Pat and my parents are waiting for me than to feel completely alone and believe there's nothing after this world, and then, what if you're wrong?'

Leroy, my wish for you is to find comfort in the world you've created here. You've done a wonderful thing in this 'Cancer World'. God bless.

Sent by Kathy | 9:12 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Laurie, so glad you asked the question. Please continue to get the help and support you need. Caregiver depression is a real issue.

Leroy, thank you for answering the question with such honesty. And, of course you're depressed - you've got good reasons. You're dealing with loss: loss of the level of physical funtioning you once had; loss of the future you had planned; loss of being able to do your job in the same way; loss of sleep; loss of things you wanted to do due to physical limitation and pain Depression is a normal response.
As may who wrote in, please consider many options to find the right combo for you: massage, acupuncture, talking with friends, talking with a therapist and/or spiritual advisor, laughter (see Norman Cousins), journaling, meditation, music - whatever gets you through this dark night.
Love & prayers to you both,

Sent by Kathleen | 9:51 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Yoga is part of cancer therapy at some places. The benefits have been researched. Meditation is an integral part of yoga practice. A good gentle yoga certified therapist may help provide a little relief.
Peaceful days to you.

Sent by Rochelle | 10:09 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy,

I haven't read all of the comments yet so I hope I'm not repeating but...did you know that in the UK, it is standard practice to prescribe an antidepressant to newly diagnosed cancer patients?

If ever there is a time to be depressed it is now, in the midst of the uncertainty, fear, pain, lifestyle changes and anxiety of cancer treatment.

I knew right away at initial diagnosis to ask for an antidepressant. It takes a while to find the one that works for you as we all respond differently to meds. What it does for me is smooth out the edges. As I told my oncologist, I don't want to spend the rest of my life on the verge of tears.

Hope you can find a solution and quickly. It must help knowing that you have plenty of company!

Sue

Sent by Sue Mersic | 10:12 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Dear Leroy,
I feel for you and wish I could help. I know this is very simplistic, but I listen to my favorite music and sing along, even though I am a bad singer. Somehow the "good feelings" from the music get inside of me, at least for awhile, and I feel better.

Sent by Laura | 10:16 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy,
I have no suggestions to add to all of those posted. But, I wanted to thank you for bringing up this topic. I have not had to deal with much more than very occasional sadness, mostly around the time of my stage IV dx two years ago. Today's discussion is hopefully saving me some research time, when and if I find myself in this very same place. Thank you Leroy; and, thank you all.

Sent by Sheara | 10:20 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy, there isn't any one thing you can do...it's the way your mind deals with the situation within which you are living that determines how you "feel" about things. Your physical condition is what it is...not much you can do about that. You can, however, consider yourself in a good place to pay back some bad karma, practice forbearance, or any other mental approach that allows you to experience what a Buddhist teacher told me once: "Pain is unavoidable, but suffering is optional". This is my mental approach when dealing withe the residual pain of my cancer surgery, and the mental unease of not knowing if my version of "the Beast" has been vanquished, or is waiting to pounce on me again. Good luck to you, and stay strong!!!

Sent by Mike Armstrong | 10:41 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Not a cancer battler,however,broke my back as a teen.And sorry to say while rehabing for 2 years almost nothing took away the pain.I would be too tired to lift my head and would simply cry.One day frankly,I got angry and told my body I liked the pain because it meant I was alive and not bedridden.After that within 2 months,it went away.Ofcourse now I can't tell when I'm sick or injured if pain is suppose to be the indicator-but my body did the best it could for me and I hope yours will too.

Sent by susan | 10:54 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy, A small change can make an impact in your daily routine, thus, making you feel better. Look around at your rooms/area where you spend the most time and put away out of sight things that you equate with sickness. Put the meds in the cabinet. Hang up the bathrobe. Put a reveal bulb in the lamp. Hope that this does not sound far fetched, but little changes sometimes allow you to focus on those changes that you are making, rather than getting "stuck" in a spot where the depression may be. Your blog speaks volumes each day. Move forward my friend, move forward!! Jan C. in Ct.

Sent by Jan Cassella | 11:00 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Like many others on this blog, I'm going to encourage better living through chemistry. I'm convinced that every oncologist's office should have two bowls of anti-depressants instead of candy dishes. One bowl is for the patients, and the other is for the caregivers (caregivers get a double dose).

I think everyone is entitled to a good pity party. Give yourself permission to be sad. I don't have to tell you that cancer sucks. Just make sure that your party has an end. Decide when your party is going to end, and leave the party. Make yourself go outside, watch the series Soap on DVD, buy a game boy and play video games until your eyes fall out - just force yourself to leave the pity party.

Sometimes just talking about your depression with another person is enough. I was having a heck of a pity party a few months ago. I went to a discussion board and vented about all the problems that my family was having. The support I received pulled me back. I think I needed validation that it was okay to feel sad.

I hope you feel better soon on many different levels.

Sent by Diane | 11:02 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Leroy, I posted a couple of days ago regarding my father and how he dealt with neuropathy. Like I said, he normally wasn't a guy who made lemonade out of lemons. I think he was depressed much of his adult life, but was a career military man, so he didn't do anything about it, as seeing the "nut doctor" or taking meds just wasn't acceptable in his world.

Anyway, when he was first diagnosed, I think he went through the normal period of "why me." But, the longer he lived with cancer (he died 23 months after his diagnosis) the better person he became in dealing with his dark moods and his doom and gloom outlook on life. We didn't talk about it much, as the old first shirt didn't have much patience for talking about his or anybody's feelings. But, during those rare times when he was in the mood to talk, you could see his change in attitude from "isn't this a fine kettle of fish" to "as long as I can feel, I know I'm still here." He made the decision to be happy because I think he knew how leaving his family would impact us, and he didn't want us to be left with memories of him as an unhappy, gloomy, grouch. He told me his happiness was a choice, that he knew he was screwed, and the things that used to worry, annoy and anger him just didn't seem important any more. And, even though he would be the first to tell you that the only time he was religious was when he was in the foxhole and the bombs were going off above him, one of his favorite sayings in those last 23 months was "count your blessings, not your losses." And that's the way he lived his life during that time.

I can't imagine living in pain all the time, and I've seen the toll having to be 100% focused on your health, the next tumor, and the next treatment can take on a person. So, maybe you should allow yourself to be depressed once in a while, because, well, you're entitled. But maybe, too, there needs to be a little time to reflect on the blessings you've been given throughout your life and focus on those. It worked for my father. And, by watching him change and grow, it also helped me and my family see more of what we have been given, rather than what we don't have.

Rock on, Leory.

Sent by Joyce in FL | 11:03 PM ET | 05-07-2008

I vote for Carol Burnett and I Love Lucy -- the candy factory episode, Bach's Double Violin Concierto, sitting outdoors, lying close to Laurie, imagining the swamp of depression slowly but surely becoming a sanctuary of calm and beauty by adding favorite moments and images to it every so often, taking a walk in your mind --every step, and singing America the Beautiful--O beautiful for spacious skies--wow.

Sent by Patricia Enciso | 11:04 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Are you covering the basics? Excercise, meditation,eating healthy, plenty of sleep, journaling, talking with friends or a support group or therapist...after that cookies, and milk, a good book, a funny movie, a hot bath, a cup of tea, being outside in nature even if it is just sitting in the backyard and soaking up the sun. And don't forget to have fun Leroy - an hour of laughter makes a world of difference. Feel better. How you get there doesn't matter - just get there.

Sent by beth | 11:23 PM ET | 05-07-2008

Hi Leroy, Nothing wonderful to say or suggest - just know that tomorrow will be something else - and please G-d, it will even be a little better! Take care and G-d bless you.

Me/Jan

Sent by Janice Goldberg White | 11:45 PM ET | 05-07-2008

I think writing this column has contributed a lot to your depression. I come to read what depressing new thing has happened to you. Then I thank the Lord that it has not happened to me. I know this sounds cold and hard, but in writing this column it seems like you spend so much time on negativity. Count your Blessings is what helped me through, talk about being able to look into Lori's eyes and telling her you love her, tell us how supportive she has been to you and how you couldn't make it without her, tell us of how a melting piece of chocolate on your tongue was so luscious and changed the metallic taste when doing radiation. There HAS to be something good happening to you every day. Tell us how a sunset flashed back memories of a wonderful adventure in your life, tell us how a 60's song played on the TV and you found your foot tapping to the music and suddenly "was back there". Start looking for the good things. I used to write them down on strips of paper and put them in a jar I called my Blessing Jar, and when I got sad I would pull one out and read it and remind myself. (as a note - I just to be a half glass empty person most of my life!)

Sent by Maureen Kennedy | 11:49 PM ET | 05-07-2008

What do I do to fight depression? I take medication, every day. There's no shame in it and the small hassle of popping that pill is absolutely worth the huge improvement in my quality of life.

Get some therapy, get some meds. There's no need to "fight" it. You can treat it. You've been through enough, you don't need to be fighting depression too.

Sent by Susan Metters | 12:37 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Leroy - so many people identify with you. My husband's cancer, my cancer, my chronic illness, now my disability - it all is enough to get a person down. I really believe that if a person were strong enough to just "snap out of it" I would have - but, as my kind physician told me, there's just not enough serotonin in my brain anymore. God knows I (and you) have used it all up. If you were short on anything else at all in your body, you would agree to replace it. Why not the serotonin in your body via an antidepressant? When one alone did not do the job, I reluctantly took another one in addition to the first. It was the best decision I ever made. I only wish I'd have done it sooner.

Sent by Jeanette Carney | 12:38 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Wow Leroy, from the number of responses I'd say you are not alone in dealing w/depression. I hit a real low halfway through my chemo treatments. I began taking antidepressants (zoloft) and it took a few weeks but I think it helped take the edge off. I needed that. Meditation helped me to relax. Being around people that I loved and loved me helped. I think getting better and feeling better really helps. I do believe if any of your side effects subsided you would feel a lot better. Dealing w/constant pain is enough to make you crazy. Do what feels good to you. I bet it's hard to find something that feels good so I think you should "think" about all of the good you have in your life in terms of people and anything else. Anti-depressants may help take the edge off. Laughter is great if you have funny friends or can watch funny movies... whatever makes you smile. I don't want anyone to be depressed. It's a horrible state to be in.
I will continue to pray for you. Thank you so much for being so honest with us. I think you are very brave to share your personal feelings, thoughts and fears. You are a blessing to us all.
Goodnight. Jen

Sent by Jennifer in CA | 1:39 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Leroy, I don't really have anything new to add today but to just say that we care. I hope for a good day for you, a better one tomorrow.

Sent by dorothy in oregon | 2:03 AM ET | 05-08-2008

I listen to Bellaruth Naparstek tapes. I think she has one on depression. I think she is pretty incredible. I also write and read a new affirmation everynight. I sometimes write that in the morning I magically feel better(some detail). I think the unconscious is un-tapped. I don't know how-but I think there is something to it.
Also, I've heard others (truely I wouldn't hesitate) but others express that "real" marijuana in medical cookies or such- really help with certain types of back/bone pain better than other things--and then also maybe a strong enough dose of Marinol I'll meditate now and send you some energy. I think a lot of folks are praying for you Leroy. Feel the Love :>) Feeling is Healing. Bless you!
Linda

Sent by linda | 2:43 AM ET | 05-08-2008

I just had to comment again--
I don't think contributing to this post has anything to do with depression. You seem like a pretty positive person to me!!I still think it's pain management! I think you will turn a corner....oh and I almost forgot....the comedy channel...someone else said it cry and laugh...just feel....and do whatever will really help you to feel God bless

Sent by linda | 2:58 AM ET | 05-08-2008

For distraction, get an Ipod and fill it with your favorite music. I don't know if that will lift depression, but listening to my favorite songs (sometimes over and over, but that's okay because no one else hears them) lifts my spirits. It's especially helped me to keep going with my PT.

Sent by Cherylene Lee | 4:21 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Leroy,

This has been one of those days. As you can see I didn't get to read your blog until very late today. I forced myself to get up early and go to work today. I retired nine years ago from a very interesting job but my boss didn't want to let me go. I agreed to continue to work part time as a contractor and had continued to work until "D Day" (Thanks Dianne, I like that one). It's been difficult getting back to work. After my first two surgeries in March 2006 I came home with a colostomy and never felt comfortable being very far from home. Two months of recovery, six months of chemo and three months of recovery from the chemo also kept me from work but then I was able to have the colostomy reversed. More recovery, an incisional hernia and the lingering peripheral neuropathy still make it hard but for the last three weeks the few hours of work have helped me focus on something other than the things that cause me to be depressed. I'm fortunate that I don't have much physical pain but my cancer has changed me and I do get depressed thinking about what's next. As I said, (now it's yesterday) was one of those days. I checked my e-mail before going to your blog and discovered that I've lost another friend to cancer. She is the third one in six months and the depression hit me and now here I am still awake at 3 AM. Your blog and all of the responses have helped me again, even trying to write this has helped me. Mike's comment about karma helped too. One of the reasons why my work takes my mind off of the depressing things in my life is that what I do today might be good, I might save a life some day. Actually what I do as part of a large team may save a number of lives. This good karma may offset some of the bad things I've done at least I hope it does and it's giving me the energy to go back into work and help the team some more.

Now, back to you Leroy. It's easy to tell from reading your blog that you enjoy being a journalist and you are doing a lot of good helping so many of us every day. I hope that doing this, something that you love, helps you turn off the depression for a while every day. Thanks Leroy, keep up the good work.

Sent by Walt from LA | 6:21 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Dear Leroy and Laurie,
Checking in a day late here. Obviously lots of advice and suggestions so I'll try not to be redundant. Admitting and talking about the reality and depth of the feelings is the first step. You, and we, have a right to have strong feelings about this disease. Cancer robs us of so much and much of that sense of loss stays with us. The medications and procedures used to help us can cause so many other problems with which we cope. I hate to sound clinical but what we call "vegetative" signs of depression, changes in sleeping, eating patterns for instance are real and can respond positively to meds. All of the other stuff can help as well and only you and your treatment providers can determine the next best step. Think about what you've been through, Leroy. It sucks. I hope you know that our hearts and thoughts remain with you daily, and maybe that will also help a little bit.

Peace,

Sent by Betsey | 6:41 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Leroy,

I respectfully suggest that you obtain a professional evaluation if your feelings of "depression" are serious. I join those who distinguish between sadness and depression. But those are not the only options here. I recall that my daughter was concerned that she might be suffering from post-partum depression after the birth of her second child, and the psychiatrist who evaluated her determined that she was suffering from severe sleep deprivation. You have reported long-term pain and sleep problems. It might be that management of those problems would restore some emotional well-being. Also, many cancer patients suffer from a type of post-traumatic stress disorder. I'm sure there are other possibilities that a professional could explore and evaluate.

That being said, I find the company of children very therapeutic. I get a big dose of optimism, laughter, hope, and I get an opportunity to give of myself, too. And it doesn't have to be strenuous activity. You can order a pizza and watch a movie and talk. My grandkids are especially fond of going through my old high school yearbooks and listening to music from the 60s, 70s. You could babysit for some neighbors with elementary-school aged children and give the parents an affordable evening out. Or invite some friends with young children over. Anyway, that helps me. Best wishes for a return to peace.

Sent by tex | 7:47 AM ET | 05-08-2008

Leroy....I already said a lot yesterday...probably more for me, than for you, now that I think of it. But I salute everyone who has shared so many suggestions with you.

Depression is like a merry-go-round; the more you worry, the worse it gets; the worse it gets, the more you worry. Depression alone, will sap your energy, drain your strength, wear you down without any other physical ailment. It is totally debilitating.

I agree about focusing on what makes you feel better....whether it is nature, food, spiritual, mental, social or physical....music, massage, acupuncture, meditation....whatever it takes to take your mind off HOW you are feeling. Try to get off the merry-go-round, and the only way you can do that, is to get out of yourself. Talk to your doctor about the medication.

I agree, when you are feeling so bad physically, it's hard to volunteer for any specific job..... but you could write, email or tape your thoughts to specific individuals in your life who have meant so much to you and helped you through these difficult times. Speak in specifics....let them know how much you appreciate their specific qualities. Whether you deliver these to them now, or later, it doesn't matter. The important thing is to do this for you, so you can remind yourself of how many people bless your life right now.

Take the time to share with Lori now...none of us know how long we have, and those of us who deal with cancer are very aware of this. Speak about the things that need to be said...the things that should be said, the things that matter and the things that are just sweet memories. Make each day special in some way.

I agree with someone's suggestion too, about clearing away as much of the clutter around you that describes you as a "patient". Make the effort to freshen up each morning, shave, floss. Put on fresh clothes or a new robe. Physical changes do help.

God bless Leroy... you are in our prayers, our thoughts and our dreams....Lori, too!!

Sent by betty obst | 9:02 AM ET | 05-08-2008

I'm so glad you brought up the issue of depression. When my sister was experiencing severe depression, her oncologist said directly to her and in front of me, "I've never had a cancer patient with depression before." That was the most frightening statement I've ever heard! We had to go to great lengths to find help, and that should have been unnecessary. Cancer is tough enough!
I appreciate your blog so much, and I'm sending you healing thoughts...

Sent by Cleta | 9:36 AM ET | 05-08-2008

With my dad's days numbered, and dealing with all that comes with a pending loss, I take solace in several things - I try to look for the light - the small miracles that happen everyday. If you look for them, you will find them. The other thing that helps the most? Well - it's a great time of year right now with all the plants coming up and daffodils and tulips in bloom. Every single morning as I leave for work, I drive slowly by my garden and soak up the beauty, and every single day I come home to that beauty and soak it up. When I am at my lowest I can look at that garden (or anyone's for that matter) and wonder at the beauty of nature - it always makes me smile. Sometimes I cling to that picture in my mind to get through. It's not a lot, but then sometimes you don't need a lot - just a little ray of hope and sunshine can get you through. Keep the faith brother - we're all with you.

Sent by Dannielle Higgins | 10:27 AM ET | 05-08-2008

4 months out of chemo, what works for me,is eating lots of chocolate and singing songs with my granddaughter.I thank God for each day and wish you peace.

Sent by michele | 4:08 PM ET | 05-08-2008

Hi Leroy,

I meant to post this yesterday, but somethng distracted me.

Sometimes, when you have very real reasons to feel sad and/or depressed, you just have to ride it out and experience it. By trying to deny it, you aren't doing yourself any favors. There are real reasons to feel sad, depressed, anxious, and in my humble opinion, during those moments, the people who think I have a problem because of my feelings at those times seem to me to be the ones with a problem - a denial of reality. I find that if I allow myself to feel it, it will work its way through and I am fine again.

Right now, you've been going through such an intense period of serious treatments of all kinds, and suffering all sorts of losses in terms of how you used to be able to live and what you used to be able to do, it is perfectly understandable that you are sad or depressed. You can't let depression completely take over your life, but it is perfectly reasonable that you acknowledge that you have suffered losses and changes and that you are
feeling a bit depressed. To deny yourself that would be minimizing your experiences over these last months. Your experiences have been anything but minimal. You have been through a lot. Recognizing that is important,too. You shouldn't feel bad about feeling sad or depressed.

Here's to feeling better.... With Love.

Sent by Lilly T. | 9:07 PM ET | 05-08-2008

Hi Leroy, i agree with you on this sometimes i feel so much depressed. giult,anxiety, loss of concentration and sleepless nights.

Sent by boitumelo | 8:31 AM ET | 05-15-2008

The way that I learned to deal with my cancer is to go to the core and heart of the fear - death - and learn to accept it. Although my cancer is not classified as "terminal" it is incurable and will continue to come back, so I'm pretty sure it will kill me some day unless I die of other causes first. So, I've spent a lot of quiet time in quiet places contemplating my impending demise, and when I came to the realization that death is a guaranteed part of everyone's existence, something that every creature and living organism will experience, then it doesn't seem so overwhelming or cruel, but rather a natural end of the human experience. I hope you find peace wih yourself and your situation.

Sent by Greg | 10:44 PM ET | 05-15-2008