Leroy, I can't imagine the frustration of waiting. But we spend a lot of our lives waiting. But "Be Still and Know That I am God" seems appropriate for those days..

God bless and peace be with you and yours...

Sent by Patsy Elmore | 7:24 AM ET | 05-12-2008

Dear friend:
Spiritually, I amd all those who are a part of Leroy's Legions wait with you, and send our love and support.

Sent by Harriet | 7:40 AM ET | 05-12-2008

Good morning Leroy,

I can understand your dilemma. I would probably not be happy with waiting around. Being a doer makes spinning my wheels very very hard.

Keep fighting, perhaps that is best option for your, maintaining positive thoughts, and holding each and every day special.

Sent by Sue Chap | 7:55 AM ET | 05-12-2008

Good Morning Leroy. I am so glad that it is Monday and you are with us again. Hope your Mother's Day was restful and that it was not too wild and wooley. The weather was awful here but we had no place to go, so we didn't mind. No, in fact having lost the only child that we had, Mother's Day is not a happy holiday for us. Do you have children? You never mention any that I am aware of. You DO seem to speak of the Cancer as it were a person though. Seems to have taken on a life of it's own. A true to life adversary. Guess that is how you must deal with it, and we truly ALL must figure out our own way to cope with what we are dealt. You are a formadable opponent, no doubt, and have done well facing up to the Foe! May your strength continue and your pain retreat.

Sent by J C R | 8:05 AM ET | 05-12-2008

Perhaps you've fought it to a "standstill" for the moment and maybe, hopefully, for good! Many live long lives with cancer where it neither gets better nor worse. I guess that is a good compromise.

Take this time to recharge your batteries- physical, emotional and spiritual. Assume the best but plan for the worst....get scans regularly to monitor your situation closely so that action can be taken if necessary.

After 5 recurrences, I'm cognizant that it can always return but as time passes, I continue to be less and less worried. I'm not naive. It'll probably return but in the meantime, I focus on more important things while keeping an eye out via scans and checkups for "the beast".

I would encourage you to try mightily to get relief from your pain so that your energy can be focused on the things most important in your life.

I watched a movie about Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday recently. Wyatt comments that he yearns for a "return to a normal life". Doc says "There is no such thing as a normal life, Wyatt. There is just life!" I tend to agree with Doc.

Prayers and blessings as always.

Sent by Al Cato | 8:25 AM ET | 05-12-2008

I guess the only nontargeted aggressive tactic you could use is chemo. That's the argument for using chemo usually is it gets those caner cells that are hiding. But it sounds like there isn't any chemo they have available that has really been shpwn to be effective for your cancer?? (Not sure I'm remembering right what you said in the past about this but I'm thinking what you said was you didn't want any more chemo because the statistics said it didn't extend lifespan at all in cases like yours). Anyway, not trying to question your chemo decision because I'm sure you know a lot more of the nuances of it but I think that's the one good thing about chemo is it can allow you to feel you are doing soemthing aggressive even when there's no target for surgery or radiation.

But the most important thing, I think, is that you LIVE (with cancer) right now. And I canc ertainly see why chemo could interfere with that. Maybe it's time for a break from this blog? We would all gladly let you have a vacation I think.

Sent by N.R. | 8:29 AM ET | 05-12-2008

Dear Leroy,
Good question, what happens now? My husband has been actively fighting cancer every which way for 17 months now. He's had Chemo, surgery, radiation, accupuncture, yoga, meditation, etc. He's tired from fighting so hard and has decided for now to forgo a clinical trial and stay at home and try and relax for a change. Yes, he's ill but he reads the paper every morning, takes naps, watches some TV and listens to the radio. Not at all the active life he once lived. Not what he would have chosen for himself for he is still a relatively young man. What now? Leroy, I hope you can have a little peace for now. Maybe peace is better than war.

Sent by Elaine | 8:35 AM ET | 05-12-2008

Good morning Leroy, When I first read your story this morning my thought was that you have already learned to live with cancer- between your initial diagnosis and surgery and your recurrence. But, I am wrong. There are at least two ways to articulate that phrase, with distinct differences. Emphasizing the Living in Living with cancer, is where those of us in remission may be. Emphasizing the With, as in living With cancer is probably where most of us with recurrences dwell every day. It is no surprise that the perspectives can be very different. I wish you a long and patient wait.

Sent by Sheara | 9:10 AM ET | 05-12-2008

Dear Leroy,
Language is powerful. So is mental imagery. Since patients have some control over their thoughts and a lot of control over what words they use, Healthy Survivors use the power of words and thoughts to bring comfort and foster hope.

When I've been between rounds of treatment, I have found it helpful to steer away from the notion of wait-and-see, which implies a sense of helplessness. Instead I have considered myself in a live-and-see mode. This way, I am never just waiting; rather, I am busy living the life I have, uncertainty and all.

Just a thought. Everyone has to find the words and actions that help them live as fully as possible.
With hope, Wendy

Sent by Wendy S. Harpham, MD | 9:18 AM ET | 05-12-2008

Dear Leroy,
I have often wondered why patience is so hard to get. I have learned that sometimes things work out better when you let a little time pass, but it sure is hard to do. We want to take action and control everything. We just don't want to admit there isn't much in life, outside of our own actions, that we can control.
I find that keeping my mind occupied and not letting it dwell on things I can't contol helps. However, we know that is not always easy to do.
I hope you are having a beautiful day in your part of the world. I'm sending wishes for a good week!
Charlotte in Rural Ridge, PA

Sent by Charlotte Kewish | 9:19 AM ET | 05-12-2008

The new reality is that your life now does slow down a bit and offers you a time to continue to heal and adapt. You can use this new point in your life to strengthen your body and expand your mind.

Yes, you will wonder at every little pain and you will wait for new symptoms. That is the life of survivors and while we wonder and wait...we try to enjoy the hell out of every day.

Sent by Peggy | 9:20 AM ET | 05-12-2008

May your mind let you enjoy whatever level of physical comfort you can achieve.
Best wishes,
Sandra Yudilevich

Sent by Sandra Yudilevich | 9:58 AM ET | 05-12-2008

Hi Leroy, I hope that the scans don't show any changes, and that the cancer is down for the count right now. Living with cancer...I hope you can, day by day, with some comfort.

Sent by Alycia Keating | 10:00 AM ET | 05-12-2008

It is almost ten thirty am and no one has written a comment to your Blog today? Hope everyone did not blow away in all these storms. Do you think that the Almighty is trying to tell this World something? I am not overly relegious but I can't help but think that Man has overstepped his bounds! Too much misery going on in this entire world. Our Nephew and his wife are Missionaries in Thailand, up near Burma, and we know that they must have their hands full with refugees right now. Now- even China with it's Earthquake.
I hope folks here will return to your message today Leroy. Cheer up.

Sent by J C R | 10:27 AM ET | 05-12-2008

Leroy,
You handle this all with such grace. My prayers continue. Your spirit is beautiful.
Jennifer

Sent by Jennifer in CA | 10:33 AM ET | 05-12-2008

Good morning, Leroy. Doing nothing for a while would be difficult when you want to fight for all you're worth!
When Dad got his first and second cycles of chemo for his stage 4, small cell carcinoma; I think of it like we gave a big "punch" to the cancer beast and really took it off guard. It had been allowed to grow with no opposition for a while, and then we came along and knocked it for a loop. (We took a lot of pleasure in it, too!)
I know though, it is picking itself up, dusting itself off, and regrouping its forces. It's saying, "so ya wanna fight, huh - we'll fight then." The surprise factor is over, and so the battle now begins.
Keep up the good fight, Leroy!

Sent by Linda Lee | 10:42 AM ET | 05-12-2008

Leroy: Way back in 1979, I had a morning where I lay in bed, so peaceful, enjoying a slight wind coming into my window. I told myself that morning to "just enjoy the moment for there will be time in your life that you will yearn for this peaceful feeling".

Well, there have been lots of times I wish for the peace of those few minutes...even now...Mother's Day wasn't the best as I missed Burge so much.

Elaine: Enjoy the time your husband spends reading the paper and watching TV. He's here today and that's wonderful. Once when I was fretting that I wasn't getting anything done, Burge said "You're here with me, isn't that worth something?"

Guess I'm a little down today. I've lots of bills to pay and bookwork I have been running from for months. The wolf is at the door, however, or at least the property tax man, and I can't run anymore...or maybe not as fast...and my son is counting on me to carry my share of the load today as farming is starting into it's busy time. There's nothing like obligations and guilt to make you move forward. :>)

Love to all today.

Nikki

Sent by Nikki in Kansas | 11:16 AM ET | 05-12-2008

It is a waiting game with cancer as we never know if it is lurking close by. I never trust it, but I am going to believe that we can enjoy our time for as long as possible. All of you give me strength and I am very grateful for your blog, Leroy. We may have to wait, but we can cherish every moment too. The moments may pass into months and years-we never know. So don't give up hope, each one of us is here for you. And Sasha - how are you?

Sent by Tina from Alton IL | 11:23 AM ET | 05-12-2008

Leroy, Has your pain let up any? Pain free days make being patient much easier. Enjoy this intermission, gather up your strength and reload for the next battle.

Sent by Ruth White | 11:40 AM ET | 05-12-2008

Each day, you are working on getting stronger. You are still actively doing something to fight the cancer. Enjoy your day, Leroy.

Sent by Jen | 11:46 AM ET | 05-12-2008

Ohhh, no. I don't think you're in any danger of becoming a terribly patient man, Leroy! ;^) And that's not necessarily a bad thing. We are who we are, though life can certainly teach us some lessons along the way.I've been trying to make myself quit thinking about those aches and pains that just MIGHT be a sign of recurrence...as well as forgetting about other concerns. It's easier said than done, but worrying does interfere with living life fully today. That said, I'm not a patient person, either. So yesterday, in the midst of a beautiful spring Mother's Day afternoon, I came inside and wrote a spontaneous letter to a company I just read about that is conducting clinical trials of NeuVax, a cancer vaccine for folks with the same kind of breast cancer I have. In other words, my motto these days is "Never leave any stone unturned" in the fight against cancer.It seems as if your doctors have been very good about coming up with new things to try. Let's hope they have a few more tricks up their sleeves. Meanwhile, breathe deeply. The sun is shining, there's a cool breeze. I hear finches and sparrows and doves in our backyard. It's another beautiful day!

Sent by Doris | 12:03 PM ET | 05-12-2008

Hi Leroy,
I'm thankful for your blog. I read it every morning as it inspires me to start my day. It's nice to know there are people like you who are kind and honest.
I'll be thinking of you today, and my thoughts will be filled with the Holy spirit as I pray for you.

Sent by Donato | 12:05 PM ET | 05-12-2008

As always, I enjoyed your blog today and I also love the responses of your readers. My heart goes out to all who are struggling with a special lonliness, grief or pain. Humor can lift the spirit and 2 good books that are worth reading are "Run with the Horsemen" by Ferrol Sams and "They Tore My Heart Out And Stomped That Sucker Flat" by Lewis Grizzard. These are entirely different but so entertaining.

Sent by Susan | 12:50 PM ET | 05-12-2008

I agree with you Leroy. I find this phase the hardes.... waiting. In some ways as hard as the chemo, and the radiation and the surgery are, at least you feel like you are actively doing something to fight the cancer.

But if those active measures are successful, this is where we end up - waiting to see if it worked. waiting to see how long before it might come back.

I know it's hard.

Sent by brady richardson | 12:50 PM ET | 05-12-2008

What a gloomy day today, and you are not helping it Leroy! I finished doing my hemocult test and mailed it off today. It was a "gift" from Kaiser for my 55th birthday. I too am having to wait, but not for my cancer. For a new job. Seems there should be something I can do, but all I can do is wait for a phone call or email.

Sent by Dianne (DC) | 12:57 PM ET | 05-12-2008

Waiting is a bitch, isn't it? I think anyone who has had cancer spends the rest of their life in some kind of "wait." Even though I am now theoretically cancer-free, I think I will always be waiting for it, in some way or another. So as Sheara said earlier, right now it feels like I am LIVING with cancer. But unfortunately, I still find that I am waiting to again find myself living WITH cancer. I don't regard it as a given, but it still lurks in the shadows of my mind.

Stan, from Friday: I'm sorry about your bad news, and my heart goes out to you and your wife. I'm sure she is just handling it all the best she knows how, and maybe feels like she has to be in denial to help you, as paradoxical as that sounds. We're all here for you, and your wife.

Sent by Gretchen Hoag | 1:21 PM ET | 05-12-2008

Leroy, The next thing is what I am thinking about. An MRI tomorrow will show more detail. We will decide then. I wonder where we will go, how severe will the side effects be? You all know the drill. Nothing comes easy with these decisions. Each treatment adds more toxins to your system, after all they are trying to kill cancer! Staying in attack mode is my mindset, same as you, can't stand the idea of watching and waiting. Thoughts, Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 2:16 PM ET | 05-12-2008

Good afternoon Leroy,
Here in WV today it is beautiful. The sun is shining, there is a breeze blowing, the air smells crisp and clean from the rain yesterday and it gives a feeling of well being. Take each day my friend and enjoy it to the fullest. Worry not about tomorrow because tomorrow will take care of itself. Hope you and Laurie had a good weekend. God Bless

Sent by Teresa in WV | 2:49 PM ET | 05-12-2008

Stan, my prayers are with you as they are with all of you! Susan, Dianne, Nikki, Tina, Al, Bruce, Sasha, Sue, the list goes on....and you have all touched my life in a way I will never forget! Leroy, what you have brought together here is a haven of hope and love for us all. Peace to you my friend!

Sent by Laurie Hirth | 3:30 PM ET | 05-12-2008

Stan,
Am thinking of you and your wife. You guys are in my prayers.

Sent by jen | 3:48 PM ET | 05-12-2008

Just last week I had my first follow up since finishing chemo 2 months ago. So far so good. I asked my Onc if it is possible this first round of chemo cured me . His response was " Anything's possible, but it isn't very likely.". So I wait three more months before the next scan and worry if this time will be "the return of the beast" (sounds like a B movie doesn't it). In the mean time? I live my life as if nothing is wrong and am grateful for a break from lab draws and scans and meds and side effects. ANd ,,,try not to worry about every ache or pain ( they are pretty much normal at my ripe old age of 50 anyway).

Sent by Theresa Lovin | 4:08 PM ET | 05-12-2008

Hi Leroy, Stan, Nikki and Elaine,

My hopes and prayers are for the best for you and everyone on the blog.

Sent by Marcy in NJ | 4:21 PM ET | 05-12-2008

Leroy,

A wise friend with stage IV cancer gave me this great advice when I was first diagnosed. Ignore it until you have to deal with it. It works for me!

Sent by Mary C. | 5:25 PM ET | 05-12-2008

Stay in the present, Leroy. That's what my oncologist reminds me. After all, this is what we're doing it all for - to have good days, have fun, relax, don't overthink it. Yes, live with your cancer but not by spending all your time trying to outsmart it. It will eventually outsmart both you and me. And neither state of mind changes our outcomes. I try not to dwell. That's hard, of course. But in the lulls between scans and treatment changes and doc visits, ignore that sucker!

Sent by Ellen Odlum | 5:49 PM ET | 05-12-2008

Dear Leroy,
Prayers to you, Laurie and all the wonderful people on this blog.

Sent by sasha321 | 6:33 PM ET | 05-12-2008

Leroy; take rest while the Beast is at bay. Youve knocked it so hard it has to regroup. Good for you my friend.

Sent by T Jones | 6:43 PM ET | 05-12-2008

Laurie H,

Thank you. It's been a tough 15 months, but I've "sat shiva" long enough. Terry wouldn't have wanted me to bury myself in a constant blanket of tears. I would be expected to go on, and so I try to do so. I can hold Terry's memory near and treasure it, even though it doesn't keep me warm at night. As Terry's mother told me, "what is, is."

Nikki, I so understand the lack of motivation, the whole "why is it worth it any more?" feeling. I had many, many days just like that. I still do sometimes.

All the rest of you who are in my position of having loved, fought and lost...my heart goes out to you. I do know how hard this is. This is my first time living on my own in more than 20 years, and I'm proud of myself, even through the grief, for being able to keep afloat. That's a big accomplishment, going from two people to one successfully.

As I told some friends this weekend, "I'm coming back. I'm coming back ALONE...but I'm coming back."

And as much as they all loved Terry, they're waiting to see ME. On my own. And surviving.

Sent by Bruce | 7:40 PM ET | 05-12-2008

People say "You need to get out more". When I hear that, I think of leaving, taking a trip, going out for a nice meal. There is also a mental state of "in" and "out". When I'm "in", I'm self absorbed, inwardly focused, scanning myself for whatever ails at the moment. When I'm "out" I'm scanning my world, the people in it, exploring their perceptions, their thoughts, what is important to them. When you asked people to finish the sentence "My cancer...", the comment section exploded with activity. All that energy in the world following one simple outward gesture. Get out more! It seems to have a wonderful effect on all of us.

Sent by Maureen McEachen | 1:13 AM ET | 05-13-2008

As a person with follicular Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma - an "indolent" cancer - I'm learning just how much of my life is characterized by waiting. My docs have decreed that "watch and wait" is my treatment for now, as they keep an eye on my swollen lymph nodes, until they grow large enough to treat. It's nerve-wracking to know there's cancer there, but that the best approach for now is to do nothing. They don't want to shoot until they can see the whites of their eyes.

Kind of reminds me of the wisdom of old Army veterans, who describe war as "long days of waiting followed by a few minutes of absolute terror."

These words of a renowned poet speak to me in such times:

"Wait without hope
For hope would be hope of the wrong thing; wait without love
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith,
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought.
So the darkness shall be light and the stillness the dancing."

-- T.S. Eliot, from "East Coker"

Carl

Sent by Carl Wilton | 1:17 AM ET | 05-13-2008

The art of "not waiting" is challenging with cancer but life slips by and there is not enough time to wait. I remember saying over and over "right now I am Ok". It continues to be true, "I am Ok" God bless, Lynda

Sent by Lynda Spangler | 2:26 AM ET | 05-13-2008

Leroy,

Ah, patience! That fleeting virtue that most people don't have. You are not alone in your lack of same. Maybe that is actually good. By being aggressive when you can be, you have probably extended your life by a good bit.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 1:33 PM ET | 05-13-2008

dear leroy and all friends on this blog,

the last email i've been able to read from you leroy is dated about may 15.

it tells me of more tests and your usual good humor marked with the reality of life with cancer

leroy, my deepest hope that you are doing ok and that you receive this message. my heart is with you.

on may 15
i took a chance with my beloved husband don's blessing and came to liberia to do some teacher training in kakata near monrovia. fortunately, i'v been able to be a parrt of an international effort to help improve education in this wonnderful country- it's people are bright and beautiful and their suffering so great

i'm now leaving in one and one half days. can you tell I'm exhausted?

i'm also thrilled and sooooo fullfilled. life is short and one must as you have done and are doing, live it as best we can.

penny

Sent by penny freppon | 9:45 AM ET | 05-25-2008