Leroy,
That is thought provoking. Knowing what to say, but you answered it. Everyone will know what you feel, know your thoughts...especially those close to you. Many things never need to be said...they are simply felt.
When that time comes, BE NORMAL. BE YOU. We all will have to be. And trust those around you "to get it".
Have a good weekend...and relax with Laurie and friends.
Prayers,
Wanda Amorose

Sent by Wanda Amorose | 7:18 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Today let's just say "Happy Friday."

I hope you and Laurie have a peaceful weekend. We're thinking of you and praying for you.

Sent by Tracy | 7:19 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Here's what I think. Don't say goodbye. But in the conversation about how their kids are doing, how you're feeling, etc., say something about what the relationship has meant to you, or what good times you've had together, or what you hope they'll continue when you're gone. Speak about what's important for them to know. Not goodbye.

Sent by Laura | 7:43 AM ET | 06-20-2008

I would hope that you have or will soon say the things that you feel are important for your family, loved ones and friends to hear from you. If by the grace of God, it becomes evident to you that things are becoming increasingly worse, you may have an opportunity to reaffirm those things again to those you deeply care about. Don't take the chance that those things are unsaid.

Those that care about you will already know intuitively what they have meant to you but it is nice to hear the words.

After those thoughts are expressed, then the talk of politics, sports, TV, etc. can be discussed openly, freely and with enthusiasm because the "elephant in the room" has been removed.

Meanwhile, I continue to pray for God's mercy, grace and healing power to touch you. The tiny flame of HOPE continues to burn.

Best wishes for a good weekend for you and Laurie.

Sent by Al Cato | 7:49 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy

Assume nothing, always honest communication. Don't leave thoughts unsaid, this isn't the time to not to be honest.

Dad and I had that opportunity before my vacation, and then when things were looking bleak, I seized the moment again. I made sure I said what I had to while he still knew I was there.

This experience and time is not easy for anyone.

Rest this weekend.... You still sound very tired.

Sent by Sue Chap | 7:53 AM ET | 06-20-2008

There is just no rule book for this stuff. I think we probably have had the same problem to one degree or another ever since we were diagnosed. I guess the bottom line answer is that you say what you say when the time arrives. You trust that your friends and family do know how you feel about them and the situation. You try to remember that you don't really owe anyone any explainations - after all, I suspect you can't really know what you're feeling about this from one second to the next. Keep it happy, sad, glad, mad...whatever! Keep the faith that perhaps this'll all work out OK and try to be content if it doesn't. As my dear Mother was fond of saying, "Gather ye roses while ye may" or, to use Dad's favorite old saw "Make hay while the sun shines".

Sent by Jean Jones Valentine | 7:56 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Dear Leroy~ I guess it is natural for you, as a writer, to worry and struggle about the "right words". By the comments and the care and concern of all your followers in this Leroy's Army , I would say that it seems that you HAVE been able to find the right words. We are listening and responding.
Did Tim Russert have time to say Goodbye? Was it really necessary? He certainly was loved also but he had no time to struggle with his "final, weighty, words of farewell" I enjoy simply reading what you care to talk about and then picking up from your thoughts and words and commenting on whatever comes into my head from what you are saying. I find that wonderfully inspiring. We accept you as you are, Leroy. Laurie, another dear friend too. What a nice group we have become, thanks to you! Please don't struggle for new words, simply stay around as long as you can. We love you just the way you are.

Sent by J C R | 8:01 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy - given that I feel like I know alot of your thoughts and (more importantly) your heart......I'm sure there is nothing left unsaid with respect to your friends and family -
As you requested, let's talk politics, movies, etc...television is really in such sad shape I can't find anything to comment on there - if one more reality shows enters the market, I'll throw a brick thru my tv. I'll never forget that one time I had the opportunity to hear Walter Cronkite (he was a speaker at one of my business conferences) and he came on stage and sat on a couch and just talked - no formal speech, just his musings, thoughts, etc......it was kind of like spending the afternoon with a beloved uncle........
Anyway, I wanted him to go on for hours, as he just told amusing stories of his times with Presidents, World Leaders and also the really funny and real stories about catching flights, racing to "get" the stories, etc.....he commented how in the "old days" they had so much news to deliver that they barely could find time for commercials - let alone all the fluff public service stuff we get in between drug commercials (don't even get me started on how the drug companies are promoting to fix everything "with a pill" for relatively healthy people, as opposed to lifestyle changes!) -
I'm rambling, but the point is that they reported news and told stories about meaty subjects, world events, etc. and would never have thought to report on a lawsuit from a woman that has a lawsuit going against Victoria Secret because of injury from the "jewelry" on her thong!!! ha ha
OK, I'll stop - but hope this was the conversation you were looking for!!
I don't know a more intelligent group of people, than the ones that are here - so I'm looking forward to their comments!
peace to you today - and much love to you and Laurie!

Sent by Ruth Chermok | 8:04 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Sometimes Leroy you don't have to say anything. My husband had a 3 year battle with Pancreatic cancer. When the time came he had already said his goodbyes. Not in those particular words exactly. When all was said and done people would tell me little things he said to them or something he did and they felt that was his way of saying goodbye. It all happens in a way that each person will hold dear a piece of you.There is no real goodbye. Just a "see you later". My thoughts and prayers are with you .
Kimmy

Sent by Kimmy | 8:06 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy, My late husband never really said "goodbye". His eyes said it all.
But, he said "thank you" a lot and "I'm sorry".

One piece of advice: If you have any estrangements that you regret and have the desire and ability to attempt to heal them - now's the time. Forgiveness and reconciliation are important pathways to peace.

'Hope you get some rest this weekend.

Sent by Marilyn | 8:09 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy,

I hope that you were able to skip the late night movie reruns last night(sounds like you have them memorized anyway)and that restful sleep did come after a long and uncomfortable day of radiation! Prayers continue...

Sent by Retha | 8:10 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Dear Leroy,

Please say what is in your heart, if you feel you can do that. I have had two friends die of cancer this past year and we were able to tell each other what we felt and it was very comforting for all of us, I think. I know some people aren't comfortable saying that they love someone, a friend or loved one, but it is so important to let that person know.

May you have more good than bad days,

Lianne

Sent by Lianne Friedman | 8:13 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Dear Leroy,
Say what's in your heart. Two years ago I lost one of my dearest friends and we were able to tell each other how much fun we had together and how much we loved each other. It was very very healing for me and I believe comforting for her. I have always treasured that time and her words to me. In fact the last "I love you" only hours before she passed was over the phone as I was 2000 miles away. I pray you can talk about the subjects and feelings you most want to. We started this dialoge months before the end, we were both cancer survivors so perhaps that made it different. Once again as so many of us have said to you...we are all here for you to talk about anything that spills out. This blog has enabled a lot of people to talk about things they perhaps would never have opened up about without it. It has given us all permission to be open and honest about our disease. Thanks Leroy, you are a true Hero.

Sent by Paula Swink | 8:14 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Dear, dear Leroy! Your nature is to be honest and your life has been about showing others the truth. I'm sure that when the time comes, your heart will guide you and your beautiful way with words will form the perfect sentences to convey your thoughts. Just be you.
Love,
Brenda

Sent by Brenda | 8:16 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Oh Leroy,

What core questions you pose. In terms of what to say, the way you are living your life is your word.... Your honesty and grace and vulnerablity and optimism balanced with realism...you are saying it all with every breath. Throughout this convoluted journey you have opened yourself in ways few others have or could. In doing so, you have validated, enlightened, educated and inspired millions of people that feel that they know you minus the tiny detail of actually "meeting" you. Like countless others, I check your column first thing every day thinking "Wonder what's happening with Leroy today?" Always knowing that I will learn from you.
There is a space beyond words. It is "presence". Thank you for your presence Leroy. As you are large in frame, you are immense in presence!
Leroy, you absolutely shine and I am deeply grateful for your brilliant, brave and sweet presence.

Sent by Sandi in Phoenix | 8:17 AM ET | 06-20-2008

I lost a friend to cancer. We had a day that we said goodbye to each other. I told her I'd miss her and she said she'd miss me also. She also told me to not make my red beans and rice so hot. Sometimes I do sometimes I dont'

Sent by Lisa | 8:20 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy,

Of course, what you say/don't say is up to you. As for suggestions, I have only one and that is share who you are and how you feel with those who are important to you. Being transparent is how we get close to each other.

Blessings.

PS I think when you need the words, they will come.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 8:21 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Say what is in your heart...

With that you can't go wrong...........

Sent by Ron Bye (NH) | 8:24 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy, Give your loved ones the opportunity to say what they need to say.

Sasha, Just when you need all your strength - how awful for you! I wish you fast healing.

Sent by Jeanne | 8:25 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy,
You say the truth. Don't assume anyone knows how you feel. I have had the misfortune of losing two close friends to cancer. One of them never shared her feelings, opting instead to be strong; the other shared her journey in a way that amazes me even today, and she changed my life in ways I can't even express. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her and how she affected my life. Through her I was truly touched by grace. She showed me the power of simply telling the truth and trusting those you love enough to let them in.

You have let us share this with you. Whatever hardships I face in my life, cancer or otherwise, I have friends (I count you among them)whose actions and strong spirit will guide me. And it's because you shared your life with simple honesty, as best you could. I am so grateful to you. And hard as it is, your friends and family need the opportunity to be here with you.

This cancer does not define you. It's your wit and gentle voice that define who you are. No matter what you are saying, we are listening and will be the richer for it.

Sent by Connie | 8:26 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Good morning Leroy,

Yea thats hard question to have to ask yourself. What do say to your friends and loved ones.
I'm going to ponder that question all day.
I don't know what the answer will come out to be, but I'll follow your lead, and just tell the truth.

Have a good one.

Sent by Donato S. | 8:36 AM ET | 06-20-2008

First, I don't think anyone but you truly know your own feelings. Just make certain that you tell those you love that you love them.

Now, about movies. Have you ever seen The Day of the Jackal or 3 Days of the Condor? Great movies. And it beats whatever is on TV lately. for pure inane hilarity, how about Animal House? Food Fight.

Sent by CBM | 8:42 AM ET | 06-20-2008

In answer to your very last question/thought - let everyone who is important to you know that you love them; although, I am certain that by now they know that.

And, I am reading a good book - People of the Book - not the kind I would regularly read, but was recommended by a couple of friends in different parts of the country so I figured it was worth checking into! What kind of stuff do you read and enjoy?

AND, Mr. Sievers, I would think that you have a much better grasp of the political situation than I - do you have a favorite - one you REALLY REALLY
FEEL GOOD ABOUT? The older I get the worser it seems to get!

Take care, dearest Leroy. Much love to Laurie and hope that your weekend is peaceful.

Love, Jan

Sent by Janice Goldberg White | 8:44 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy,
Please don't assume that the people you love know your thoughts. I hope you will continue to be able to share with them how you think and feel, especially how you feel. I hope that they will be able to do the same. The regret of "should have" - told you, shown you. . ." Now is the time - I try to live every day that way.
The weekend is here - know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Baby steps, take that one baby step at a time to keep going
hugs and warm fuzzies

Sent by Annette | 8:45 AM ET | 06-20-2008

You say what you just did. Be yourself.It's not easy as it all seems surreal not only for yourself but for those that love you. As I have said before, we should be the last thing you should concern yourself with, but if you want to keep on, just write what you feel. We get it...

As for your friends and how to say goodbye, if that is what it is coming to, maybe take their lead? Let them say what they need to say. There is no right or wrong thing to say or do. It all just pretty much sucks!

Feel the love Leroy.

God bless you.

Judy

Sent by Judy Voller | 8:48 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Don't you think, Leroy, when the time is right the words will be there. Meanwhile, we all are friends of the heart and there is no need to even ask the question, what do I say?

Sent by Jane | 8:48 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Oh, it would be so much easier during difficult times if people could read our thoughts wouldn't it? I've been following your blog for almost two years. You will find the words.

Sent by Bonnie | 8:51 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Good Morning Leroy/All. Prayers and good thoughts from Sasha.

Sent by sasha321 | 8:54 AM ET | 06-20-2008

When my sister was going through all her treatments for stage IV lung cancer, I told her that I didn't want her to pull any punches with me concerning her health. She promised and although we didn't talk about it much, if I asked, she'd tell me. Mostly though, we talked about everyday things and about the next concert we were planning to go to.
Although the truth sometimes is like a punch in the gut, not knowing and then having bad news sprung on me would have been much worse.
Since she passed, I think a lot about her dealing with the specter of death alone because it was something she wouldn't discuss. That was her choice and I respected it. But I wish she would have discussed it with me because the thought of her dealing with it alone is sometimes too much to bear.
To the outside world she rarely discussed her illness or downplayed it if asked. She insisted on maintaining a positive attitude right up to the end and I wonder at what cost to her - emotionally...
Leroy, I haven't posted much but follow your blog every day. I can see that you are doing some heavy soul searching and I think that however much you choose to disclose to people will depend on your relationship with them.
In the Ojibway language there is no word for Goodbye. We say Ba Ma Pi which means I'll see you later.

Sent by Susan H. | 8:57 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Who says that you *have to* say good-bye?

Isn't it how you talk to people when you are alive that they should remember anyway? How would you even try to thank someone (like a Mom/Dad) for everything they have done for you in your life?

Anyway, in the very end, isn't all you want to hear and all you want to say "I love you"? Don't worry - people will get closure without a direct good-bye.

By the way: this doesn't apply to us! We expect a long, deep, wordy good-bye. Perhaps individual/personal responses to the hundreds of people who check in with you. That will give you something to do for the next few years.

(kidding, of course)

Sent by Liz L. | 9:00 AM ET | 06-20-2008

My closest friend died ten years ago after ten years of treatment and surgery for breast cancer. The last time I saw her, she told me that I had been her best friend, ever. I am still friends with her husband, and we still miss her unique sense of humor and courage. Please tell your family and friends how you feel. That last memory meant so much to me.

Thank you for your dedication to this blog through a very difficult time. It has helped me be a better friend to yet another friend with serious health issues.

Best regards you you and Laurie.

Martha in PA

Sent by Martha A. Franklin | 9:00 AM ET | 06-20-2008

You say you will always be thinking of me and I say I will never forget you. I thank you for loving me. I will always love you.

Sent by Liz | 9:01 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy, what a question! First, I hope that you were able to get some rest after such a long busy exhausting day.

My husband had special friends that used to come and take him out to lunch when he could or just visit with him and they shared those common everyday events and interests. Kept him in the norm away from the cancer only world. As a spouse we talked but at times all just seemed too raw to talk about. Yes I knew a lot of his feelings but wish we could have shared more. If there is something you wish to say do so. It is hard looking back now and wishing that I could maybe have given more strength to him or helped him carry the burden in some way. Lighten the load. I guess everyone has to do what is best in their own situation but I would just say don't ever just assume if you can.

Try to have a good day. Give Laurie a big hug!!

To Sasha, I could hardly believe yesterdays post. I am so sorry you have to deal with your accident right now. You have so much on your plate allready. We will keep you and your husband in our prayers. Rest...

Sent by dorothy in oregon | 9:04 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Everyone is different & everyone handles things differently. Do what your heart tells you is right. I have found that usually works. If Laurie needs to hear you say good-bye, then say it, if you know she is good without hearing it, then don't. Thanks Leroy for everything. I need to say it, I love you even though we have never met because you have helped me through this terrible fight. My husband & I will continue the fight as will those after us until this terrible monster is stopped. I wish you peace and comfort.

Sent by Kathy | 9:05 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Tell me when it hurts, tell me when you want to sleep, tell me when I should leave. And tell me if you want me to stay.
Last night I woke up and couldn't sleep - I felt a nudge to pray for you and did. Hope it helped.

Sent by Kelly | 9:09 AM ET | 06-20-2008

go with what your heart tells you.....

Sent by Jenn | 9:11 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy, as difficult as it may be to not want to say goodbye, say what you feel, that is the gift Cancer gives you is the time to actually say what you want to say. There may be some friends, some loved ones where it is too hard, or that the simple smile or wink says more than anything. I posted that I lost my dad quickly to cancer. We thought we had time, we joked, we did everything you were doing. but this went so quick, it exploded, and hypercalcemia set in. He got real sick real fast. We were never close to being an affectionate family. But it means more to hear it. Some of the talks may make you cry. But the stories you share with your friends now about you will be the ones they remember you. Talk about your childhood with your friends, share something with someone you haven't shared with them before. It's where you will find your strength the most now, with your memories good and bad, sharing them with your friends, laughing, crying. If somone ask you what do I say to you, you should tell them to truly say what is on their mind, what they are feeling. You and your friends and loved ones have been sucking in their preverbial guts for 2 years now. Before my mom passed I did get to ask some questions, get some answers, gave me some peace, ticked me off a bit too, we were both glad to be able to talk.

Sent by Paul Ciszewski | 9:16 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Yes of course say goodbye, tell everyone what they have meant to you. And allow them to tell you what you have meant to them. It is wonderful that you can be so upfront about your illness (sharing it with so many) and it's a situation you should treasure while you still can. My late husband lost his ability to speak towards the end of his very long illness with brain tumours, but he could still communicate with a clasp of the hand or a smile, and I know how much this meant to everyone.

Sent by Claudia | 9:18 AM ET | 06-20-2008

On a lighter note - OMG Leroy are you saying "you" may be at a loss for words. Never happen. You are a person of words. It is obvious you were blessed with talent for words. The words give you something to say. I know you probably feel like crap today, but it is a new day and the sun is shining. Right?
Hugs big fellow!

Sent by Carolyn Mohaupt | 9:18 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Tough question. After losing my father to brain cancer as a child and never receiving any form of a "good-bye", I asked my husband to write a note for our children but he is reluctant... I guess this is something each of us deals with in our own way.
Deneen

Sent by Deneen | 9:20 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Say whatever is in your heart to your friends and family. Even though they might already know what you are going to say, it would be nice for them to hear it directly from you. And they can carry it with them.

Sent by Tricia L. | 9:21 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy: I originally began reading your blog because my husband's cancer had reached Stage Four. I wanted insight into the thoughts and emotions he might have. Your blog has done so much to help those of us who are friends and family members.
When the time comes to say goodbye, just let your friends know that you love them. The most meaningful thing my husband said to me--just ten days before he died--was "You're my best friend."

Sent by Lenore Ort | 9:21 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy, there are only 3 words. Three words only and they say it all the same as they have said through the generations. "I love you" is appropriate, complete, simple and yet the most precious words we will always remember of those who are in our circle. These words can never be worn out. In writing we use a thesarus constantly looking for new words to replace over used words. No thesarus necessary here. You are loved and how about a banana split and some old westerns with Laurie. Debbie

Sent by debbie | 9:21 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy,

Say "I love you" and "thank you" a lot. This is the first post for me. I, too, was captured by your wise words when cancer reached out and touched my sister last year. We lost her in March of this year. A whole army was around to see to her every need in the end. Her immense grace remained to the end offering a thank you to anyone who did the simplist of tasks.

A friend who recently lost her father to cancer advised to leave nothing unsaid. I'm sure there were many things left unsaid because it is difficult to buckle down and accept the end. She was only 39.

But like you wrote, many of the things we said revolved around everyday issues. It's just how you keep the abnormal normal.

Be strong. Laugh and love.

Sent by LVB from Mississippi | 9:29 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Dear Leroy,
I think you just have to follow your heart. Maybe the things you say depends on who you are talking with and how well you know them.
When my time comes I pray that God gives me the wisdom to know what to say. Sometimes just being is enough and you don't have to say anything.
Charlotte in Rural Ridge, PA

Sent by Charlotte Kewish | 9:30 AM ET | 06-20-2008

I am walking today in our local Relay for Life -- in memory of my father and sister and IN HONOR of your courage and generosity with your time and thoughts. You are an inspiration! Peace to you and your family!

Sent by Nancy | 9:31 AM ET | 06-20-2008

You say "I love you. Thank you for being in my life." What more is there to say?

Sent by Nancy K Clark | 9:34 AM ET | 06-20-2008

My advice would be to never assume your loved know your thoughts or feelings. Even if they do, no one can ever hear "I love you" or "I enjoy your company" or "You really crack me up - I love that about you" too often. The one gift of cancer is the time to wrap up loose ends and make sure your loved ones know how much you appreciate them. You can still talk about bad tv and politics, just don't leave anyone leave without a hug.

Sent by K. Ives, Duluth, MN | 9:34 AM ET | 06-20-2008

what to say? you always say to your friends the truth not what they want to hear. You say what you feel and what has to be said before you leave. These are the people that suport you and have been through this journey with you from the beginning. If you have something you need to say please say it no matter what you will feel better and your friends will feel good knowing you cared enough to say the truth. They will remember this from you. We here in the cancer world understand, you don't have to hold anything back. Laurie loves you whatever you say so don't be timid with her about words. Words are what you are good at. It brings you closer to those who have not met you in person I can only imagine how difficult this phase of life can be I am not there yet but I know it will come. I want to say goodbye to all who have meant so much to me in my life. I don't want to be in a coma so I cannot say goodbye. My sister was in a coma when I last saw her and wanted her to say one last thing to me that she really loved me but she did not. You have the abiltty to hug and be hugged to speak the words that we go through life not saying. Say them.

Sent by Kathy Simmons | 9:37 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Good morning Leroy! Good question. I think that you have been teaching me better ways to communicate during these times. I'm the loving family member--not the victim--but still, my every waking thought includes my Dad and what we're all facing. I have reason to believe I'll also see it from the victim's viewpoint eventually as well, so I'm learning a lot from you and the folks here. Your style - a mixture of truth, innocense and humor is bound to be the best way to go. Have a good weekend, Leroy and Laurie, and savor the moments, as we all should do. 'til we meet again...

Sent by Linda Lee | 9:41 AM ET | 06-20-2008

It's just my opinion, which is worth perhaps exactly what you paid for it, but don't wait till "it's time." Tell everyone important to you exactly how you feel about them ... now ... give them the chance to tell YOU how they feel about YOU. What we say to people at their funerals is usually stuff we wish that we could have told them before they left us. You matter. You matter to people who have never even met you. The people who DO know you need to be able to say what they need to say before you go.

Sent by marie | 9:44 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy,
Many people will know your thoughts, but anyone/everyone will appreciate hearing how much they meant to you and how they enriched your life. I have started making the list of people to reach out to with whom I have lost touch, so that when I hear the "affairs in order" words, I am prepared. I will likely write more than I say out loud, except to those closest. My husband and I talk about these things from time to time -- we are both stage 4 and neither of us know how much sand is still in the hourglass -- and we agree that the worst would be having people left behind who didn't hear what they needed to hear.
You are in my thoughts & prayers.

Sent by Amy | 9:46 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy - you say what is in your heart. If they have been close friends and family members some may not need you to say anything they will be happy to have a normal conversation with you. Stephanie and I never really said goodbye to each other. We just talked about our families and what she thought she would miss in the future. We brought up the question what to say and she told me that you tell your loved ones you love them - you tell a funny story that the one left behind will be glad you remembered. you forgive all. I thought that was good advise. Great advise from a great lady. So when my time comes I will tell a funny story say I love you forgive all and move on.

Sent by Cathy | 9:48 AM ET | 06-20-2008

All I know is what I have experienced. Sometimes the unvarnished truth comes by proxy...a friend or family member puts out the word. But I think it's better if it comes from the source. Some of my friends are dying of metastasized breast cancer. We correspond about it frankly. I am at a loss for words, momentarily, then I make myself say what is on my mind. I doubt most people would do that. I hope you are able to discuss this openly with those you most love, and you are able to face it together with no walls, no falseness, no euphemisms between you. I hope your coming days are good ones, with less pain and discomfort. Holding you and Laurie in my thoughts today.

Sent by Alycia Keating | 9:53 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy,
I would say what you feel. I still feel like there was things unsaid between my husband Bill and myself. I think we were both afraid to upset each other so we didn't say things. I told him how much I loved him and he told me how much he loved me, and that is the most important thing, but I still feel like there should have been more. I wish he would have left me a letter. Something I could hold on to. You are so good at writting maybe you can do that. Let the people know how much they mean to you especially Laurie write them a good-bye letter. That hopefully they won't read for years and years. Bill left me a list with all the information that I needed to know about our accounts and insurance, but we never went over it because I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to believe that he may not make it. Even when it got to the point that we both knew it was coming we didn't talk about it. We both knew it was coming but just couldn't bring ourself to talk about it. We never gave up hope that something would change and he would be able to fight and cure this monster. Yes there was some times when we talked about him leaving and going to a better place and how I would be here without him, but that's when we would just hold each other and cry. All I can say is LOVE LEROY show everyone how much they mean to you and let them show you. Don't worry about what you should talk about just share your feelings with them like you do here with us. God Bless you & Laurie.

Sent by Aurella | 9:55 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy,

Years ago this quote was in a book I was reading; I have seen it since, never with an author's name. You may already run across these words, but they seem very appropriate today:

"Oh, what a comfort...of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words-but pouring them all right out...chaff and grain together...certain that a faithful friend will sift them-keep what is worth keeping, and with the breath of kindness blow the rest away."

Speak of TV shows, politics, icing on a cake...and, what is in your heart.

Peggy

Sent by Peggy | 9:55 AM ET | 06-20-2008

I remember my sister in law saying she was sorry. For what I have never been able to get my thoughts around. Maybe for leaving us way too early. Maybe for all we went through while she fought her battle.
We (loved ones) need to know what you are thinking. It's a glimpse into everyone's harsh reality of life.
But, as the outpouring at Tim Russert's death shows us, we hear and see all we need to know about how and what a person thinks by the way they live their life. So, we all know who you are and what you think through these increedible daily blogs.
Does that make sense?

Sent by Mike Rosenwasser | 9:57 AM ET | 06-20-2008

When the time comes, you will know.

Sent by Sandra | 9:58 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Good Morning Leroy, Laurie and All,

Leroy, Wow, that's a really hard question! But I think it's ok to be honest and let your heart be your guide. I think we do realize when our time is getting short and this is the time to say what is in our hearts. It's ok to say: I love you or I don't want to go, (Trouble is, we don't really have a choice). But I do think that honesty is the best way and it gives others permission to truly express their feelings to us as well.

Laurie, I know these days are far beyond difficult! I know you will find the words to help Leroy through this time as well. Our thoughts and prayers are with you both!

To All, Leroy's question brings a whole range of emotions to the forefront. Do we know what we will say and when we will need to say it? It's something for us all to ponder and answer in our own way. God Bless!

Eileen Pruyne
Charlotte, NC

Sent by Eileen Pruyne | 9:59 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy,

Maybe it would help if you didn't think about it as goodbye. I am confident that you will find peace as to how to leave this journey in a way that reflects who you are. In the meantime, do things, eat things, watch things, listen to things that make you happy.

Sometimes, when I find myself stuck on questions like this, I try to shut off my head, so that I can get a perspective. The fastest way to do this, for me, is to play with my dog. Animals are great for keeping us in the moment because that's where they live.

I wish you peace, my friend.

Kathy

Sent by Kathy Seeley | 10:00 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy: Just say what you feel, don't assume anything. Say what you feel. If you love them, tell them. Put yourself in their shoes.......what it's like to be the ones left behind when all is said and done. What would you have wanted said to you?
Your journey may just be a bit shorter, but say what you want people to know.
Many, Many Blessings....And Miracles do happend. Never give up HOPE...
We all Love you and Thank you for sharing yourself/your journey with us!

Sent by Joan, Front Royal, Va | 10:01 AM ET | 06-20-2008

I have written before, I have dealt with bladder cancer on and off for the last 4 years. I, greatefully have been given positive news recently.

I have been keeping in touch with a friend from my youth whom I previously had not talked to in 20 years. I found out he had lung cancer and called him. We have been calling each other for the last year and a half. He recently told me his lung cancer has moved to his brain. We talked about normal things which I think was a good thing for both he and I. Before I hug up I told him I loved him. He replied that "I love you too". Each call now ends with the same words. I think if you care about someone or what is happening in their life just calling is enough to let them know how you feel. If you are comfortable enough to say more thats fine as well. When I first found out I had cancer it helped somehow when people told me they cared. I didn't expect them to cure me, I just felt better knowing they wanted to somehow help. I think I even helped them figure out what to say when I told them that I appreciated them before our conversation would end. I have followed your story from the beginning. I feel I know a lot about you. I can't take away what you feel but I do care about you and your family. You have made it easier for me to understand some of the feelings I have unexpectedly come accross over the last several years. Keep sending out your thoughts. No one knows which path we are going to end up on but I think you have helped me get prepared to deal with whatever path I find myself going down.

Sent by Anthony Sorce | 10:02 AM ET | 06-20-2008

There's a whole fleet of us Leroy who love and respect who you are and what you have chosen to share with us. You have given us a profound gift because you must live your present repeatedly as you compose your thoughts and transfer them to print. Our only response is gratitude and oh yes by now we do know your thoughts.......
from a peaceful place
sue

Sent by sue | 10:04 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy
You are a man of words and your words will live on. I can just imagine your friends and family quoting you forever.
I am one of those friends in that I have been waking up to your words for some time now.
I onlly hope that when my time is close I will have your words to help me to say goodnight. Fondly Peg

Sent by Peg Heglund | 10:06 AM ET | 06-20-2008

How about "I love you, my friend".... Can we ever hear those words enough? And "thank you"....for being in my life, for helping me on my journey, for making me laugh and for listening....

Sent by Karen | 10:06 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy, I remember my husband, Philip, telling me how difficult saying the goodbyes were. He reminded me that I was "only" saying goodbye to him while he was saying goodbye to everything and everybody. His plan was to call each person who was significant in his life and tell them exactly what they meant to him and why. He made a list and followed that list down to the last name, calling each person, speaking from the heart. He felt good about that. He left one person off the list, his ex-wife. He said he left that call for me, that if I could find her, I could tell her certain things. I never did find her. You know, names change with women, and they aren't always easy to locate. I know that Philip was at peace after he made the calls and checked each name off of the list. Former girlfriends, childhood friends, cousins, mentors. While I didn't participate in the calls, I saw that he laughed with some, cried with others, and shouted at a few. Isn't that really what life is all about? Leroy, thank you for being you. Sending you heartfelt blessings today and always.

Sent by Annie | 10:07 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Arrrghh! That's tough Leroy or is it? Like you said just keep being yourself for as long as possible; talking about what's up with you. your feelings about life and the world. But then we do need to say to each other what we mean to each other -no 'what ifs' is what I always say. At least that's the way I'd want it. When I have fear about saying something to someone I love dearly that expresses just how much I love them/appreciate them I think: "How would I feel if I knew I was going to die and my good friend(s) didn't hear from my lips what I feel about them...etc." Now I may think they know how I feel: that we have this "unspoken bond". But the truth is they may not know and I need to tell them. This motivates me today to speak up to my friends what I deeply feel about them and/or say something I feel about them that I want them to know and share it with them. Life is so difficult and painful, fragile. It can end in an instant without notice. We take this for granted. Even though I almost died once I still fall into mindless umappreciation, at times, for the gift of life.

So, I feel, we all need each other to tell each other we are OK and mean allot to each other(I even feel this now about some of the people's blogs I read here). Once I've done this I feel the circle is complete. Some how this amazing feeling of connection to the universe comes over me. Why? I don't exactly know why...but I think it lies in the fact that the definition of "ME" is "WE". This completes the cycle of love we are on this earth to fulfill. And tears are good, very good indeed they are just a further expression of our joy and love of being in relationship with each other.

With all love and tears at this very moment in time, Leroy: I love you, admire you and want you to know how bright, creative, and kind you are. Your vulnerability and love of life has stretched my soul. I will never be the same from 'knowing you' as I have through your blog. And I am the sort that used to think blogging was for fools. And right now I can't stop crying because I love you so much just from this simple form of correspondance.

Simply, Thank you for being you and letting me get to know you in your life through this struggle. I feel blessed.

Graham from Sag Harbor

Sent by Graham G. Hawks | 10:13 AM ET | 06-20-2008

There's a wonderful book called Dying Well, by Ira Byock, M.D. In it, he quotes what hospice calls "the five things of relationship conmletion" (p. 140). They are saying "I forgive you"; "Forgive me"; "Thank you"; "I love you"; and "Goodbye". I used knowledge of them to make sure that, when my parents died, I'd said them in one way or another. I know they knew I loved them, but I felt better knowing I'd definitely said it directly to them toward the end of their lives. We were not a demonstrative family in many ways, but I wanted some things said clearly. My feelings are, never assume someone knows what I'm thinking. I'd rather hear "I know" than wonder. You and Laurie have my love and respect for opening up so completely to us.

Sent by Sydney in NC | 10:24 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Hi Leroy,

Two years ago when I thought my time here may be very limited, I wrote 6 letters to my daughter to be opened at different benchmarks in her life... when she was old enough to drive, when she was on her way to college, when she got married, etc. They included age and occasion appropriate advice. I've though of doing that with a few other people. Also, at that time two years ago, a few people close to me wrote very personal notes about the impacted I had on their life. Some aspects of which I did not know. My letters were a way of continuing my guidance (cleaning up lose ends) and the letters written to me showed in some small way that I had made a positive impact on others. These writings helped bring some peace to me at the time. And, if it had been my final farewell, it seemed like a nice way to say goodbye.

It struck me afterwards that even if one was not facing a disease-induced early end that this letter writing was a powerful mechanism in helping to better connect with those close to you.

Ed Steger
www.hncancer.blogspot.com

Sent by Ed Steger | 10:26 AM ET | 06-20-2008

What do I say to you? I say thank you, thank you, thank you for who you are and what you have done for all of us. I say I love you and yes, I will miss you when the time comes. What do you say to me? Whatever you want! I'll listen and I'll talk to you about politics, movies, and the VERY sad state of television these days. You know, this "life plan" sucks! (Sorry for that word, but I have a 13 year old grandson!) Whoever decided we should die....? It makes me gosh darn mad! Letting go is very difficult, but it has to be done eventually. Well, I'm rambling. Gotta go do some very mundane things. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Leroy.

Sent by Lyn Banghart | 10:29 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy,

I don't think you have to say anything. You've already said so much through your blog. Once again with today's post, you've made a good point about how important it is for those with cancer and their loved ones to live each day with as much normalcy as possible.

Thank you for inspiring so many through your blog. Have a great Friday, and enjoy your weekend.

Stay strong, my friend.

Sent by Betty from Denver | 10:32 AM ET | 06-20-2008

I think this is a very personal question and the answer will vary with each individual.

My husband feels that he has said all he needs to. He is a very private person and is leaving it up to those he leaves behind to decide what kind of goodbyes we want to say to him.

I think I'm the type who would want to make that list and have a last word with the significant people in my life. But maybe not, because you can't know until you're actually there.

Follow your heart and do what feels right in the moment. I do believe that some people really want to hear those goodbyes and others prefer to speak in their actions or in a note.

To paraphrase a line from the movie Meet Joe Black...It'll come to you.

Sent by Ricci | 10:34 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy,

All I can say is that the people who love you most already know. The way you are LIVING your life right now speaks volumes. This stuff boils everything down to the most basic level. The ones walking this journey with you know how much you love them and it is obvious how much you are loved in return.

Sent by Lisa Y | 10:35 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Please, please, please tell them what they mean to you. I lost my brother over a year ago to lung cancer. I was on the plane to him when he died and I didn't get the chance to tell him what a great big brother he had been. I think he knew but I wanted to say it to him in person. I don't know what lives on after a death, if he knows how often I think of him, but please tell your friends and family what they mean to you when you can.

Sent by glenda | 10:36 AM ET | 06-20-2008

When we knew it was time, we got it all out on the table, the good and the bad stuff. I'm glad we did it so we knew nothing was left unsaid or undone.

When I visited hospice where T was on sedation and unable to communicate, I'd say "see you tomorrow" when I left. One night, I had the feeling this was the end, so, after a kiss on the forehead I said "I'm going to be fine, I love you. I'll see you...sometime." Six hours later, T was gone. It may have been a permission-to-go thing, or it might have just been that I had a gut feeling this is it. I don't know.

But I'm grateful that we had the time and used it the way we did.

Sent by Bruce | 10:38 AM ET | 06-20-2008

sometimes there arent words for everything and hugs can transmit what we want to say

Sent by JJ | 10:39 AM ET | 06-20-2008

I stumbled into this blog accidently while surfing the web while on hold at work. What a stumble! You have given me a new view into the world of that which we call 'C-mumble' in my family. I have a very different perspective than I used to have because of your unabashed honesty. Thank you. I fear the day when I come in and you've made your final post. 'C-mumble' hasn't made you a victim, no matter when it causes you to say goodbye. Thank you for blessing us all with your life story. God Bless you and your family.

Sent by Shannon | 10:41 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Hey Leroy
You tell them exactly how you feel. People want to hear what you have to say. They would also appreciate if you left them a letter or something. My sister had a fleeting 2 minutes to tell me I was her best friend, but I was grateful for those few words. Then I found out she had left me a letter, man oh man that was the most wonderful thing to receive. I look at it often and think of her. If you love the person you are talking to, then tell them.

Sent by fay | 10:41 AM ET | 06-20-2008

One of the advantages to speaking as freely as you can is that it might lift some of the pressure to have, when the time does come, perfect Last Conversations with everyone. It's not possible to meticulously arrange all your goodbyes so that every last word, should the time come, will be the exact last word you wish you'd had.

Quick story: my grandmother, for MANY years, ended all of our visits with touching words about what wonderful granddaughters we were, just in case she died before she saw us again. This went on for probably fifteen years, and became very funny. Needless to say, I remember her with great love, but not because of whatever her final words to me were. Sadly -- or wonderfully? or just ironically? -- I honestly don't remember our last conversation anymore, as hard as she tried to make sure it would be perfect. I just remember lots of time spent with her, and how much she loved us.

I think the opportunity to prepare can result in pressure to obsessively arrange, which is more than you should expect from yourself. My guess is that there are aspects of all this that you will be able to control, and aspects that you will not. Speak freely, and try to trust in that.

Sent by Linda | 10:46 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy,
You are the man that can express what's on his heart like no other. When my dad's death was imminent he would say, "when I get out of the hospital I will do.... this or that". He couldn't (face) share with us what was going on inside. We told him we loved him and talked about memories, we followed his lead. You are an amazing man of expression. Just say I love you.

Sent by From Kirkland, WA Linda Hughes | 10:51 AM ET | 06-20-2008

I agree with everyone about saying and telling everything with honesty. It's what we all hold on to and remember. My father wasn't very demonstrative and affectionate, but when he was slipping into a coma, I told him that I loved him, and he squeezed my hand. I will never forget that.
With David, I feel I need to know his thoughts and what he is feeling - everything, but sometimes he isn't very open and it hurts me. I have to respect that though, so I just wait and try to be patient. I hold on to every moment.

Sent by Tina from Alton IL | 10:52 AM ET | 06-20-2008

There is very little good to say about cancer. One plus is that it affords a person to realize his/her mortality and enough time to say anything that's been unsaid-or important enough to say over and over. You don't get that with a heart attack. I used to think when I die, I want it to be quick. Having seen several beloved taken by cancer, I'm left wondering if the pain is a pay off for having the opportunity to look in the eyes of family and friends and saying from the deepest place of the heart all that needs to be said. Not everybody gets that. Might as well not blow the opportunity since it's probably the only perk in all this.

Last week, a dear friend died from cancer. Another friend of hers, a doctor, told me she'd talked with one of the hospice caregivers who had tended many people with cancer and their families. She said there are three key things those of us on this side of the fence need to say:
1) I love you
2) I will miss you
3) It's ok to go

The last one's the toughie.

Sent by Carol | 10:53 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Hey Leroy,
In the spirit of "saying what you would normally say" Here's my update.
My daughter finished 8th grade yesterday and we threw a Middle School Graduation Party here at the house. A yard & pool full of thirteen year olds (20!). My husband and I affectionately refer to this group as "the festival of awkwardness"! They are great kids, I loved being around them! We had noodle races in the pool, BIG tug-of-war battle on the front lawn, 5 teams trying to get a team member into a previously frozen T-shirt, volleyball and a BBQ. We arranged for the ice cream truck to come to the house (surprise!)and even the adults celebrated their inner child with ice cream on a stick. A good day.
I smiled and thought of you when the vanilla frosted cupcakes came out. Cancer was not invited to the party, we didn't talk about it once all day. In fact, I didn't think about it until I opened the medicine cabinet to get toothpaste and saw the collection of amber colored bottles. But even then I thought, HA! Take that cancer, we had a good day in spite of you.
So today I share a bit of my life with you. Thank you for sharing yours with me for so long.
All the best from your fighting Irish friend, Debra

Sent by Debra in New Hampshire | 10:57 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Dear Leroy: You say what you say and you have faith in the fact that it is, indeed, enough. Kindest wishes, Elaine

Sent by Elaine | 11:00 AM ET | 06-20-2008

I've appreciated the input from your readers. I also think you need to say goodbye, in as simple or elaborate style as you are comfortable with. A simple "thank you for being a friend" might do for many. A card with a note in it might be the best thing for others. You know how emotional this will be. Some people may find it easier and just as meaningful to receive a hand written note from you. With some people you might want to give a hug and share a tear as you tell them what they've meant to you. It seems to me that the sooner this is done the better. Afterwards you can carry on with everyday chitchat or continue on with "the long goodbye". But don't keep it hanging over your head..you don't need any additional stress in your life. Now I will do my part and say this:Thank you Leroy for sharing the most difficult and yet enriching part of your life with us. I have learned from you. I have seen personal growth in you. I have cried with and for you. I hope that you can celebrate another birthday, but if not I love you for being a gentle giant to us.

Sent by Susan | 11:09 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Three people in my life; my first child, my father and my mother, have died suddenly...there was no time to say the good-byes, take care of unfinished business. What do I wish I could have said? Just I love you. So I learned very early (my dad died when I was 11)to say "I love to" you all the time to those I love. It's a great thing to say no matter what, and we never know when that last time together will be.
My husband and I both had previous marriages - not bad ones, just sad ones. Finding each other somewhat later in life (42 and 53) was such a wonderful surprise. Before he was diagnosed with cancer, we thanked each other every day for the gift of another day together, for the amazing gift of love and friendship. We are a bit more intense these days. We talk about the joy that came into our lives when we met and how grateful we are for every second. That despite the cancer, we are so happy together. Knowing cancer was in the future - I would still married him in a heartbeat - he is the best thing in my life.
So I think you just talk about life - work and family and friends and lousy TV shows - and then you say thanks for being my friend, thanks for being my lover, son, daughter, etc. - and I love you. Great things to say no matter what.

Sent by Robin Hill | 11:13 AM ET | 06-20-2008

The sad state of television? Are you serious, man? :-) I've just become interested in TV again after about 10 years away from it. Though the late-night stuff you've mentioned watching when you can't sleep probably doesn't reflect the highest good of humanity ...

I don't know the answer to your question. I guess I think that in talking about the ordinary stuff, some of the transcendent stuff may emerge and if it does, let it.

As always, may you and Laurie be well --

Sent by M Wms | 11:15 AM ET | 06-20-2008

I believe that with the people dearest to our hearts perhaps nothing needs to be said. When a loved one is preparing to leave I think the strongest message can be exchanged with a firm grip, a hug or caress, and the look that leaves no doubt- what it is that this person has meant to you in your life. It's sometimes the easiest expression because words can become awkward and fumbled by emotion.

Sent by Dan Hernden | 11:17 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy,

Some years ago we were given a gift from God. My mother was very ill and we knew she would not be with us much longer. In some ways this is better than losing someone quickly and unexpectedly.
We all took that opportunity to say what was most important to us. Expressing how much we loved and appreciated one another was easy. We did that over and over again until her last day. She was also able to share her words of wisdom with us. As a mom she let each of us know what she hoped we would achieve with our lives. I still think about what she said all those years ago. In some ways it is like she is still with me especially when things are tough. Her advice is still helpful today.

Her words were not the only things she shared with us (I have two other siblings). Her courage when faced with her own mortality was amazing. She had peace and that was comforting to us. I know that sounds selfish, but there it is.

I will certainly pray for you!! Jesus can do anything!

Sent by Rita | 11:26 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Dude, just say what's in your heart. And, if other people can't accept that, well, you know what Bette Midler says about people who can't take a joke.....

Sent by Joyce in FL | 11:28 AM ET | 06-20-2008

I know that when its time to say goodby to my wife who has lung cancer its going to be the most difficult thing I will ever do, but I will do it. I am saying goodby to her every day by telling her how much I love her and what she has meant to me all during our life together (38 years in sept.).

Sent by Terrell W in Bay City Tx | 11:39 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Oh, Leroy, I agree its tough to get it said or not said. I do know we can't assume the person knows just how we feel. Whatever it is, love, complete forgiveness or whatever, I feel it is necessary to say it. And as so many have said, not everyone gets the opportunity to "tell it like it is". God be with you.

Sent by Lucy | 11:40 AM ET | 06-20-2008

I've dealt with this one Leroy.

Melody and I always had a great line of communication...right down to the last minute. 4 days before she died we had "the talk". Mind you, we didn't know in 4 days we would be saying our last goodbyes. On the day of "the talk", she told me what her fears were for me. She said that she feared me being stuck grieving for too long and being lost. She made me promise to go back to my music passion. She also said that she would be always with me and I would always be with her for we had each other in our souls. She talked about my daughter and what she would love to see and some advise on that front. She talked about her daughter and what she wanted me to do in that arena. She talked about her family and how bad she felt for them because they would never know peace for they are one screwed up bunch.

Knowing what I know now, Leroy, the best thing I can tell you is to talk to everyone like it is the last time. I do that in my life all the time. But in your case, say the things you need to say to them, for them. To us, for us. Not only that, say what you feel you need to express for your closure. Don't pull punches. If you are at the stage that you are conveying to us, there isn't a whole lot of time. If something should change that, then it's an extra bonus.

So here is what I want to tell you Leroy...
I'm sure you have helped many of us who read this blog religiously, daily, without fail. Since January of 2007, you have been my Bible, my daily devotion. I read the "Book of Leroy" every day before I go off to work. I discovered your blog 3 months after Melody's death and it has been the best recovery therapy for me. I never dealt with my feelings while Melody was going through her 18 month long battle with the Beast. I would have my "moments" but I would quickly bury them because I had to be the rock for her. But after she died, it was like the levy broke, and I almost drowned in the sea of feelings. It was overwhelming. That's where you come in.

Everyday you write your feelings, your conditions, your treatments, and your insights. I read them and remember when Melody was alive and went through what you went through, and then the feelings that I felt, resurface. When they do, I deal with them. Because of your selflessness, your openness, and your sacrifice to make your private hell an open forum, it has been my medicine back to sanity. You saved me from a quagmire of despair. So, on those days that you didn't feel like writing and you were not the most positive on your posts...those were the days I needed most! So those hard days...helped me. I will always be forever grateful for you.

I hope you read this and feel joy. Please add this to your list of accomplishments in your life. And I'm sure if others read this comment, they will surely agree that you have done the same for them. You have helped all of us deal with this.

I love you Leroy. I hope to read your blog for another 1.5 years!

Michael

Sent by Michael (Caregiver Survivor) | 11:40 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Unlike you my husband has dementia. I find that I communicate with him less and less. He also has a hearing problem and he will tell you he didn't hear what was said but the truth is he often really doesn't comprehend whats been said. I feel I have lost my life partner. You and Laurie can still communicate, but there probably is not a lot to be said at this point. This is a tough one.

Hang in there,
Barb

Sent by Barb | 11:41 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy,

I woke up in the night thinking about you - hoping you were fast asleep and not in pain. I think your loved ones all know you feel, but don't we all like to hear the words? Tell them.

Sent by Kay Hickman | 11:42 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy,
Try this and see how it feels. Pretend that your friend was gone and you had missed your opportunity to tell them goodbye or anything else. The regrets that you feel at that time are probably what you should tell them while you have the chance.

Sent by Gene Koeneman | 11:43 AM ET | 06-20-2008

None of us know what kind of shape we'll be in when that "time" comes. My brother was unable to communicate at all the last few days. So, if there's something you need to say that you haven't said yet, say it now. All of us here have had this dialog with you all along - so we're all OK. We love you too.

Sent by Kathleen | 11:46 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy
When my sister-in-law was nearing the end of her journey (diagnosed StageIV colon cancer), Pat sat my husband and I down for "the talk." His family has never been close but that conversation was the most heart-felt, enlightening, honest sharing I have ever experienced.
I have one regret- that it took something so awful to have something so beautiful. I feel immense joy that over Pat's illness we were able to get close enough that I can miss her this much.
I agree with everyone who has said, "Don't wait."
What ever words you choose are going to help sustain those who love you. And don't forget to laugh.

The night before Pat slipped into a coma, Pat sat at Starbucks with her husband, brother, best friend, and me. She and her brother talked about childhood memories, then university days with her best friend and we all laughed. So much laughing.
Pat nibbled on her favourite poppyseed muffin and raised her Chai tea to toast all of us for not letting that time be sad.
We never understood why Pat was so adamant about going to Starbucks that night but I know I was able to reach a level of acceptance and peace in the memories of that one last outing. And it does sustain me.
Gentle thoughts, Leroy
Myrna
Ottawa Canada

Sent by Myrna Baker | 11:51 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Hi Leroy. What and when to say it. My husband's good work buddy, Manny, had stomach cancer and died at 31. He called my husband the night before he died to say good-bye. He told my husband that he was going to die the next day. He said he looked at the weather report and decided that Thursday was going to be sunny so that looked like a good day to leave. And so it was.....
My husband was thrilled that Manny thought enough of him to call to say a final good-bye. But he also said that if Manny hadn't called he knew they were friends to the end.
Whatever you decide will be perfect.

Sent by Sue in Rochester, NY | 11:54 AM ET | 06-20-2008

Good Morning Leroy,Hope you have a peaceful day! and say to all what is in your mind "I love you". Take care today.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and life. Peace! Marelly

Sent by Marelly | 12:00 PM ET | 06-20-2008

I strongly recommend that you seek out the hospice care center in your area. Hospice provided TREMENDOUS encouragement and assistance during my mother-in-law's transition. I will not hesitate to call them in for me as my time approaches. There's also a wonderful book by Neal Donald Walsch entitled "Home with God" that you and/or others would benefit from reading. Leroy, trust and believe that you are loved by so many and we are lifting you up.

Sent by Sandra Veach | 12:01 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Dear Leroy,

ALWAYS say, "I Love You", sick or well. I have no trouble with that at all, but have two brothers who just can't seem to get the words to pass through their lips to anyone other than their own wives and children. They freeze up with parents, siblings, friends, etc. Maybe it's a "male" thing, but I'm tired of the "you too". Life is too short to mince words. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. I'd rather always have it right out front, good or bad, although obviously not dwelling on the bad, and trying to find a blessing in each day and gratitude for each precious breath.

Sent by Connie | 12:06 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy - my husband thought this question over too and as I have stated before - he would not say goodbye - he said "see ya later". He told family and close friends how much he loved them and to help me when the time came but he never once said good-bye to anyone. I LOVE YOU - that said is enough.

Sent by Deb from Michigan | 12:07 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy: what do you want/need to hear from people? that is likely what others want to hear as well...When Robert died (in my arms) he knew he was loved, he knew I felt loved by him, and as important, that he'd made a difference to his particular world if not to the world at large. Much love and appreciation to you and to Laurie.
Sandra Yudilevich

Sent by Sandra Yudilevich | 12:07 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Today is the second anniversary of my husband's passing caused by pancreatic cancer. At that time, I also had breast cancer and it was difficult for me to take total care of him so he spent the last 5 days in the hospital.
Noone can tell you what to do now. But I don't think you need to say good bye. Just tell everyone who is close to you how much you love them. They need to hear it because that will stay with them forever. My husband could not talk in the end but he could and did kiss me and when he couldn't do that, he would push against me when I came near him. He did that right up to the end. I knew he loved me and I will always know that. That is very important to me. God bless you. Carol

Sent by Carol Harrnacker | 12:08 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy, I think people probably differ all over the place on this. I think the five things mentioned above "I forgive you"; "Forgive me"; "Thank you"; "I love you"; and "Goodbye" are the ideal conversations to have but I think especially "thank you" and "I love you" are important. Let people you love know as clearly as you can how grateful you are to have shared paths with them, let them know you love them and be open to them also sharing that with you.

Ideally, we would do these things in all our relationships even without mortality looming but I agree with what others here have said that the one possible benefit I can see to dying from cancer as opposed to many other causes is that it often gives you the chance to see when death is coming enough ahead of time to do these things before you go.

But also talk about all the other normal things with your friends too--those are important. And don't forget to have some fun with them. My grandfather, when he knew he was dying of congestive heart failure played a great practical joke on my Dad a few months before he died. Too long a story to go into here but it was so in keeping with my grandfather's trickster sense of humor and it makes me laugh every time I look back on it. It was also like a signal to all of us that he was enjoying his life to the fullest up to the end.

Sent by N.R. | 12:10 PM ET | 06-20-2008

It's risky to assume that our loved ones know our thoughts. By nature I am an introvert, but since my recurrence, I've often felt the urge to let people know what they mean to me - sometimes spontaneously, and sometimes with careful consideration. What I have received back - a warm look, a smile, an embrace - is proof to me that I've made the right choice. And maybe it will make saying goodbye easier when the time comes.

We must continue to be ourselves. The "right thing" to do or say will come naturally.

Sent by Patte | 12:11 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Dear Leroy,

You have such a way with words and emotions. I think you will just know what to say. Just know that we think and pray for you and Laurie daily. Hope you have a peaceful and pain-free weekend. Sending lots of love your way!

Sent by barbara j | 12:20 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Good Afternoon Leroy,
I don't know if I would be thinking about that just yet. I personally think only God knows when we are leaving this world and not the doctors. I know they can tell us what they think but they can only guess. Just enjoy each day to the fullest and leave the rest to our creator. Love and Hugs to you and Laurie.

Sent by Teresa in WV | 12:24 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Dear Leroy,
Assume nothing! Please, please say what is in your heart, at least once, to the people you love most. Sure, they know. But it will be a gift to them to hear it from your lips. And it will probably help you, too, even though it may be hard.Two of the people I love most in this world, my mother and my husband, have been very undemonstrative people (verbally) all their lives. When my mom was close to death, for the first time ever, she began saying, "I love you" to her children at every parting.That meant so much! I do regret that we weren't able to talk openly and honestly about her feelings about death, etc. . But those three words were so wonderful! And I suspect they were very hard for her to say, at first.Now, my husband has demonstrated his love in so many ways over the 36 years of our marriage, and especially when I was going through treatment for cancer. He was right there -- my rock. But still- he always ASSUMES that words are not necessary. Of course, they are not necessary, but they do mean a lot. I hope you'll try to say what is in your heart-- and also, as others have suggested, maybe leave a letter or two for those closest to you. Then you can get back to griping about those bad TV shows or cracking jokes.

I love you and admire you so much, Leroy. You've had a huge impact on my life through this blog.

Sent by Doris | 12:29 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Be open, honest and leave nothing unsaid. Let the feelings flow.

Sent by Sue Chap | 12:31 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy, I'm a control freak so ever since my diagnosis I have been trying to think about the things I can control. When I was sad about not being able to give my favorite book to potential grandchildren I decided to get a box of things together for them, including the book with an inscription.

Before my liver surgery over two years ago I made sure I let some people know how much they meant to me. I also have used Christmas and Birthdays to give things to people that I hope will make them remember me. I gave a friend a bell that talked of friendship, another friend a bracelet with snowflakes so she could remember how we loved the snow.

I have also been fortunate to have a retirement party where folks got to say things to me that I think normally would have been said at a wake.

Sharing our love and respect for others is a wonderful thing.

Perhaps one of the greatest gifts I have had from friends has been when they have said, "Don't worry I will take care of.." These are folks who clearly understand.

I know you will find the words and take joy in the conversations even though they are hard and sad. Peace

Sent by Dona | 12:34 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Today I write to thank ALL who have written in...for laughter and tears, in my oatmeal.

I love words and writing, and always have poem and book titles fluttering through my head, ones I could write. Living in a struggling body has taught me to value everyday, and so I spend more time being the mother, wife and friend I want to be before I leave this life. As much as my ego would like to be remembered for words written, I believe that my actions speak more loudly.

I love this place of magic where we transsend the physical.

Be in peace

Sent by Joan S. | 12:34 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy, With each special person in your life, I think it will be different: Some will only be able to handle chatting and others will need feelings to be spoken. Sometimes we can speak volumes with one glance...
That said, I like the idea another blog reader had. Since you are a gifted writer, write some letters to those you are closest to. Work on these whenever you feel up to it. Put no pressure on yourself, just do what you can. I believe you will say all you need to, when you need to. You are well loved!!!

Sent by NancyGM | 12:36 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy,
I too have been following your blog since pretty close to the begining. What you have been doing here on this blog is truely inspiring. In sharing your life in words with people some whom you don't know, you have given alot of people answers to thier questions that they had, or motivation when they needed it. Also, on the days when you thought you didn't have much to say, or didn't feel like talking, your words spoke very loudly to the people on here. I agree with many on here that you should just be honest with your friends and loved ones.Just be yourself and be true, your friends will respect you for that.
I want to say that i am sorry that all of this has happened to you and that you didn't deserve it. Of course No One deserves to get cancer. I really have no idea what you are going through personaly, i have never had cancer, but i have lost a cousin to ovarian cancer and I am around cancer survivors alot, as a volunteer with The American Cancer Society Relay For Life. I am glad that you used your cancer to help others in a very special way on here, including me. I have gotten alot of insight, advice, answers and motivation from this blog that i have used. I think all will agree that your words will live forever in our hearts. You needn't say much more, just say whatever you want! I appreciate all that you do share!
Thank You!

Sent by Krista Hanson | 12:37 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy, so much a common thread here that people are writing in is don't wait to say what you want to tell people, and I echo that. My dad died of cancer in December. My siblings and I were caregivers. Dad was a very private man, never wore his heart on his sleeve, and not a man of many words. Cancer did not change that, nor did his dying process. It was very difficult to be there through months of caregiving, and not be "allowed" to speak of the deep family love that was there. Dad raised us pretty much that a light tap on the arm was as much affection to transmit an "I love you." Of course his children know he loved us, but truthfully it would have been great if he had said "thank you" and "I love you" especially when he was so sick. We do not hold it against him of course for not saying it.... this was dad, his way. But now that he is gone, its difficult for us left behind to not have heard it. As my brother said, it was so anti-climatic.... no last I love yous, no thank you's, no I will miss you's. We were not allowed to speak about dying, dad never accepted it, up to the end, he NEVER accepted it. And, he died that way.... no melodrama, no "famous last words." At least we (caregiving adult children) were together and could talk about it amongst ourselves. I wish I could have heard those words from dad. As hard as it would have been, I wish I could have heard those words, with each day that passed... as his world shrunk more and more, I wanted to hear him say those things.

Then again, that is simply what I wish, and obviously not what dad needed to do or say. And, quite frankly, one of dad's victories is that cancer didn't change dad... dad was, and always will be, dad. I am proud of him, and proud to be his daughter, and I love and miss him. I did tell him how much I loved him when he was alive. What he said back, was simply, dad's way. Cancer didn't steal that.

Don't forget you are loved. Thank you for your insight and for doing your blog.

Sent by Jennifer | 12:40 PM ET | 06-20-2008

I agree with Michael (caregiver survivor). It is because of you that I stand today. I also stuffed a lot of feelings just getting through each day with Joe's cancer and when he was gone it was like a dam burst. I was completely exhausted and cried and cried through it. You helped me so much. I thank you for that. You really do make a difference.

Sent by Irene | 12:47 PM ET | 06-20-2008

...And then there are those moments when there are no words, and that's okay, too. Sometimes just being together or crying together or laughing together or breathing together speaks directly to the heart.

Blessings to you today and always my friend,

Kim Forester

Sent by Kim Forester | 1:04 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Dear Leroy,

In response to your question, What do I say:

Thank you.

I love you.

Good bye.

Caroline in SF, CA
Cancer survivor (5 years)
Hospice & Palliative Care volunteer

Sent by Caroline | 1:10 PM ET | 06-20-2008

It's simple Leroy you talk about what you are comfortable w. Those of us w the scarlet C will understand & those without we could never in a million years explain. So hang in there do what you can and let us know how we can help w the blog. It seems to be a shared community & we are willing to take on some of the burden. Just reach out & as the song goes "I'll be there." Perhaps this will make you a legend. We are glad to have helped. We have all thought how hard it will be to give up this blog daily but maybe it becomes your living Legend? Cherie

Sent by Cherie Brown, Tucson | 1:12 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy,

My first post this AM didn't make it, but I sure want to respond today! It was a wrenching post in its candor and transparency. You have allowed all of us on this blog to read what is in your heart. I think that is a perfect way to do when it's time.

Blessings. I will never forget you.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 1:28 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Dear Leroy,

I didn't have time today to read all of the comments so perhaps this has been said already but my recommendation to you, as a talented communicator, is to either sit and write all your loved ones a goodbye/love note, for them to hold onto when you are gone. Or maybe record a video for them while you still can. "Listening is an act of Love" has some great tips on interview questions, perhaps your good friend Ted would be so kind as to interview you with questions you've picked. Again a little something for those left behind to have.

Peace my friend. Though we've never met, I feel connected.

Sent by Terri Dilts | 1:29 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Dear Lw
eroy, It's taken the better part of an hour to read the comments that have come before mine...and they are all so wonderful. I have only a two sentence answer: Go with your gut and intuition. They have served you (and us) so very well so far.

We love you.

Sent by Sheara | 1:39 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Dear Leroy: Please don't assume your friends and loved ones know your thoughts and feelings. Just say what is in your heart. Tell them that it may be time to go and that you love them and look forward to rejoining them on the other side. How about taking the time to make a video privately with instructions to play it after you have passed? Make the video upbeat and full of loving and positive thoughts. Just be yourself Leroy, be the person that countless numbers of us have gotten to know over the last few years.

Sent by Robert Sheehan | 1:49 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Dear Leroy aka Prince Valiant,

What do you say?

Just soak up all the beautiful, vulnerable, wise and loving postings today.

That you've inspired.

By what you know how to say.

Love,

Sent by Janice J. , Los Angeles | 2:07 PM ET | 06-20-2008

I can't say.

I never fully understand my own condition. Today's thoughts might not be tomorrows. So I don't want to get stuck revising, explaining and clarifying such stuff.

But indulge me; Bill Woodward had polio as a child. When I met him I was the child. Bill had played in my woods, knew every path's landmarks, climbed the same trees and fished the same secret spots.

There's a book that talks well to the Path through those very woods.

http://www.spiritualityandpractice.com/books/books.php?id=5967

Bill was my needed tutor. The pump that filled his lungs had a rhythmic cadence. Returning the dropped mouthpiece/pointer constituted more power then any one person should have. Keep in mind, Bill sometimes dropped it... just to make me fetch.

One day, I heard, Bill dropped his pointer and was gone. No goodbyes.

From Bill's example, I will work something out with my misfortune, patiently listen and then try to tutor loved ones through their troubles. I guess our generation will forever benefit from the Salk vaccine.

Hold Fast & Relax; knowing the right set of words is not what it's about.

Don MacLeod

Sent by Don MacLeod | 2:15 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Hi Leroy:
I'm thinking of you and wishing you only the best. Following is something I hope you and the blog readers will find inspiring:

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love;
It cannot shatter hope;
It cannot corrode faith;
It cannot destroy peace;
It cannot kill friendship;
It cannot suppress memories;
It cannot silence courage;
It cannot invade the soul;
It cannot steal eternal life;
It cannot conquer the spirit...

Sent by Nancy from Canada | 2:15 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy --- Here goes I am speaking as the caregiver the one that now has to find a new way of living without my wonderful father physically here! I always knew my dad loved me and he always knew I loved him -- let's face it I am a woman and did not hold back my words ever! Although my dad wasn't the best verbal communicator, he had trouble at times putting his feelings into words but because of his actions and how he lived and how he looked at you and held your hand, you just knew! Of course he became better after he was diagnosed even recognizing and apoligizing when something did not come out right he would say it's hard for me and that came out wrong; I am glad he did because then I knew for me I was still doing right by him because sometimes as the caregiver you question if you are doing things right or saying the right things, but at some point you just have to stop and let it all come from the heart right or wrong! We had always at the end of the day from the time that I was little and when I was grown and out of the house ended our conversations with "I love you" but the days after he was diagnosed and throughout until the end those were the real raw emotional deep words that were hard for him, he felt them, but did not know how to put them in words at times. In the last few days when he could still speak he finally decided to come and live with me after months of refusing he asked if I had slept better that night and I said OK but now it will better now that you are here I don't have to worry as much you being alone I am right here and you are right here. I said I always felt bad the long days you would be alone until I could get to you (juggling work, kids, husband, house and my own life) I hated that you were alone and I always tried my best and he said honey girl you did better then best you did more then I ever thought -- you did so much! I still remember that conversation it is what helps me when I look back and at times still wonder if I did it right. Anyways I know the song probably is an older song and maybe you have heard it but a month or so after his passing I heard this John Mayer song "Say what you need to say" and it just reaffirmed we did and it made me smile. So to quote John Mayer: "Have no fear For giving in Have no fear For giving over You better know that in the end It's better to say too much Then never to say what you need to say again. Even if your hands are shaking And your faith is broken Even as the eyes are closing Do it with a heart wide open... wide...Say what you need to say Say what you need to say".

You are an incredible honest, open, loving, verbal, courageous, insightful man. Don't waste alot of time thinking about it just say what you need to say my friend forget about the mind and let it all come from the heart. And if a year goes by and you are still having those conversations all the better it did no harm just reminded us why we are here and how much we are capable of loving and being loved. I also want to add that even though sometimes those conversations will be filled with more tears and hugs and maybe not alot of words they are priceless for BOTH of you and the point will have been made! Leroy you are such an inspiration to us all. You and Laurie are in my prayers and thoughts all the time. I feel much gratitude towards you, you have done amazing work here -- daily you allow us to share our journey,while you share your journey and most of all for allowing us in to know the thoughts and feelings that our loved ones sometimes didn't or couldn't talk about! Most importantly is that it has all been done with an honesty and openness, good and bad, that for some of us this is the only place we can go --- to get that! With many prayers, hope, love, gratitude and respect!

Sent by Cori Swanson | 2:16 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy -- your friends and loved ones know how you fee about them. They know it from a million conversations and all the big and little things you do for them. Focus on the now, don't worry about what you will say when you come to the bend in the road or the end of a chapter. You and they are here now, cherish, love and embrace this time and don't forget to include the humor.

Sent by janet hardy | 2:37 PM ET | 06-20-2008

"Those who live in the Lord never see each other for the last time." German Proverb

Sent by N. Holmes | 2:38 PM ET | 06-20-2008

You already know. You talk about what you feel is right. I discuss sports only with some of my friends, movies with others, my feelings and thoughts with just a few.

You don't need to say goodbye specifically, I don't think. 'I love you' or 'I'm glad you are my friend' goes to the heart of the matter.

Sent by Scott S. | 2:51 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Dear Leroy,

You are so adept with words and your answers are in your own posts. The friends who want the bare facts, the complete truth, give it to 'em. "The scans show this, the tests mean this, so my next few months/days/years...(?) will be like this..." Then like you said, switch to the topics you'd like to talk about "anyway", the things about work and movies. Personally I don't know that it's necessary to tell everyone "I love you" except immediate family (whoever you consider that to be) but if those three words are something you feel but have never said and you know those people would have needed to hear those words, then do try to say them, or put them in writing. And even with immediate family, one can say "I love you" in different words. My dad never once said those exact three words to any of his three kids. But he said, "Well, look who's here!" or "Drive carefully" and then stand on the front porch and watch until my car was out of sight. Little expressions, funny ways of saying each of our names, they were his affection-language. It was indirect, but it was there. With my mom, she said "I love you " directly all through her life. But what I remember most was when I said that to her when she was sick. She was apologizing for some things she'd done wrong (in her opinion) as a mother, and then for always being sick, and I said, "Whatever you do, or if you're sick or well, I'll always love you." That was a humbling action on my part, and a final dropping of my youthful arrogance. As it turned out, she lived a few years past that conversation. I never mentioned it again and neither did she, but being around each other was easier after that.

There are so many variations on words: I've loved having you for a friend. What I appreciate about you is..

Also let people know what impact they've had on you. "Remember the time you gave me your opioninon about_______. Well, I thought about what you said and made some changes, and guess what happened (some good result).

Of course Leroy, I'm talking to myself by now...because you probably know all this. But your raising the question is helping me, and also helping me help my husband who is a cancer surivor who may be in your situation a year from now. And who knows if I might be some day.

But the other thing is, in my humble opinion, that "last goodbye when the time comes" doesn't need to be planned out because what you've done all along will speak for itself. You can have in mind some last words, but what will stick with people are what they perceive as your last words "to them", the words that implicitly convey your relationship.

Also keep doing the things that are uniquely you, especially with the humorous touches. Here's one about my husband, from just yesterday. We are moving to a new house much closer to town. He had vowed to stay in our rural home "until they carry him out" but through a series of arguments, soul searching sessions, and just plain feeling stuck during the icy road months, we ended up buyng the city house. He's had to let go of the "until they carry me out" stoicism. So...yesterday, I was at the new place talking to him on the cell phone. He was grumbling about having to stop at the hardware store on the way back to the old house. He sounded gruff and tired. Then the doorbell rang and I said, "I've gotta go, someone's at the door." I opened it and there was my husband with his "ha ha, fooled ya" grin. He'd made the call from the driveway. So he came in and we had a hug and a laugh. I will remember that forever, because that kind of humor is so "Tom." And he/we lost that after his diagnosis in May 2006. Scans, surgery, tests, scans, ablation, depression, anger took over everything. My husband is now in a good spot, last scans were clear. Three months from now the news could be different. The original diagnosis gave him 6 - 9 months. So with that phone joke, he gave me a bit of himself, that was not a victim of cancer like it had been for awhile.

What can you say to the friends who are afraid of even mentioning the worst. Just come out and say what the tests say...then let them know you can talk about other things. Also, instead of "is there anything you need to tell me..." maybe you could say, "I've got time to visit. I'm done with that last round of scans...I want to catch up on what's going on with you. And you with your ear for the subtleties of language will hear what they are not saying, or know what questions to ask to draw out what they need and want to tell you.

Well I guess I've gone on long enough. Leroy you have done so much for us by expressing the tough questions. We still have many conversations to go.

Your fan in Spokane

Sally

Sent by Sally & Tom | 3:12 PM ET | 06-20-2008

LEROY,
sAY "I love you. The most important words anyone can heqr. And I thank you for helping me to better understand what my son went through for 13 months with stage 1V lung cancer-(he had stopped smoking 7 years ago)- you have helped me to grieve and hopefully someday to heal. Stay strong, be optimistic, and keep "living life here" - God bless both you and Laurie- June

Sent by June Follini | 3:20 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Say the things you want to say to those you want to hear your words now...don't wait because none of us knows when our time will come.

A friend had a "good bye wake" with the approval of her husband just two weeks before he died. She said that family and friends and her husband had such a good time...it was sad at times but it was truly a celebration of his life as his had interacted with theirs. She orchestrated a "special few minutes" for each to have a private time with him to say their goodbyes. While sad, it was enormously uplifting for all. She thought that this was something each would cherish forever. I agree.

The little flame of HOPE in my heart continues to burn. May God touch you with His healing power, grace and mercy.

Prayers and blessings as always.

Sent by Al Cato | 3:50 PM ET | 06-20-2008

I am a daily reader, but almost never post. Others say what I want to say so much clearer. But today I feel that I must. You might not know what to say to me, but I know what to say to you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for being my friend during my treatment. Thank you for relating to all of the side effects I had. Thank you for knowing that, emotionally, this is unchartered territory. Thank you for your perspective & your sense of humor. Thank you for being there, on my computer screen, every morning when I need to hear your voice. You have been my companion, my groundbreaker, my voice.

Thank you, Leroy. You have made a difference in someone's (many people's) life. I am grateful to you & for you.

Sent by Susie | 3:53 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Strangely... I've found that when the time is there that you're making your likely last goodbye, the words come naturally.. regardless of who initiates it. To my father-in-law, I said "you know.. I really AM going to miss you". When her time came, my mother-in-law made the first step and said "I want to thank you for taking care of my boy" and with my sister-in-law, who'd been my cancer coach and friend and confidante as we talked about some of the indelicate physical indignities of our respective cancers, after a weekend visit two weeks before her final day, as I as leaving at the door I simply said "thank you for everything", and she in return said" No, thank YOU".. and we both knew it would likely be the last we said.

With the peole who count in your life..it takes care of itself if you let it..

I do hope I'm way premature on this, and that I have the opportunities to repeat it again .. and again.. but thank YOU, Leroy for what your words have done and meant for me...I really AM going to miss you...

Sent by Joe S. , Johns Creek, GA | 3:58 PM ET | 06-20-2008

My post wasn't successful in getting posted this morning either, and I too want to share these thoughts with you, concerning what does one say. I guess you make sure to tell everyone who really matters, that they do. You will say "I love you" and "appreciate you so much"..
And we here as you friends on this blog, who wait daily for what you are going to write.........feel we are part of "those close to you". Anything you say really is "right". Right now it is all about really understanding that you are loved, and have become so special to each of us.
Have a good weekend.
Prayers,
Wanda Amorose

Sent by Wanda Amorose | 3:58 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Since I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer I no longer edit what I say....if I feel it I say it, for good or bad.

I tell the nice grocery store checker that she makes me smile when she remembers my name and packs my groceries with just a few things in each bag so I can carry them easier.

I tell the jerk that asked why I get to park in the permit parking at the hospital that he too can park there; all he has to do is get terminal cancer.

I don't just tell my family and friends that I love them, I tell them exactly why, and how special each of them is in my life.

I don't plan on going any where in the near future, but you never know. I want to make very sure that when I do die I have no regrets for things left unsaid....

Works for me.
Deb C

Sent by AlaskaDeb | 4:12 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Dear Leroy~ As usual this morning, I first looked for your message, if you were up to it. I found that you had probably enjoyed your rest time after yesterday and was glad for that. So, at about 8:00 am, I posted my comment to you and I did receive the usual "Thank you for your comment", so felt that it had been sent. HOwever after checking all day, there were no comments posted before 9'30 am and so mine was not posted here at all today. Anyway I wiah you a good, painfree weekend and a restful one. Will miss you until Monday. I don't want you to EVER SAY goodbye at all.

Sent by J C R | 4:20 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Good afternoon, Leroy,

It took me a while to get through everyone's response, but definitely worth it.

Michael, the caregiver, said what I feel very succinctly. I discovered you after my husband's death and have found such solace in th description of your journey.

My Pat was not a big talker, that's more my role so I didn't always know what was going on in his head. We went through all the tests, chemos, radiation, clinical trials together. I was the information person. I'd search the internet about everything he was ingesting and going through, ask questions and tell him. His role was living it.

As a caretaker, my job was to keep on top of everything that related to Pat's treatment and care. I knew that there would be time enough later to fall apart but Pat needed me to be strong and capable then. The last thing he needed was to worry about how I was coping.

I think everyone's situation is different. For Pat, not being much of a talker, it was enough, after telling me which funeral home to go to, which suit, shirt and tie he had put together and which priest he preferred, to just tell me he loved me. That really did say it all.

I do have to tell you that a few months later I was going through some papers and found a note from Pat that was a standard for when he went on his many business trips. It was just a quick 'LUV YA'S, XXXOOO" on a notepad, but I was SO happy to have found it. He'd written so many of those over the years but I didn't think to save one. I now have it protected, near my jewelry, so that every morning I can see his simple message to me. So yes, leave something behind. Who knew it would mean so much?

As always, you and Laurie are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for everything, Leroy.

Kathy B.

Sent by Kathy B. | 4:26 PM ET | 06-20-2008

The letter. I have one written to me by my mother who passed away 14 years ago and her words are as true and loving today as they were then. My dad is early Alzheimers so there will be no letter, and I'll miss it.

Sent by Jen in NOLA | 4:53 PM ET | 06-20-2008

I don't think anyone hears I love you too many times. Don't be afraid to say it. Back in the 60s, when I lost my mother to cancer, what was happening was kept from her children. We never got to hear or say goodbye. Thankfully, things have changed as your blog has so thoughtfully demonstrated. Leroy, we care about you and appreciate the chance to let you know.

Sent by Karen | 4:59 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Hi Leroy,

You really are a reporter's reporter - what a great question. It has nagged me as you can imagine for 30 years that my mother never once talked about dying or leaving all of us and thus we didn't say the things to her that we should have either - other than loving fiercely and well while she was with us. And we had over two years to have such conversations besides. I hope I learned from this that I would tell someone that I love them and will miss them so much and to carry on - perhaps even to carry on some of my work to those who would like to. But you are doing this now with those you love and with all of us here.

So do eat more birthday cake - someone on this blog must being having a birthday every day so of course, a reason to have cake!

Brin

Sent by Brin | 5:02 PM ET | 06-20-2008

I had an "answer" on the tip of my fingers, but your friends on the blog have said it far more eloquently: please tell those important to you simply that they have been IMPORTANT to you. Your life and this blog have said loudly and clearly all that you need to say to US who don't know you personally. But I must say Thank You for your example of courage, your humanity, humor, persistence in facing with such honesty all of life. And for sharing even the pain. That's what is so hard to say and to hear. Yet you make us feel invited in, in to your personal world and it's an honor. So if you want to say more, do so. If you don't want to, or are too tired, that's OK too. I would not want you to leave feeling that you didn't do or say enough, when your compassion and caring nature is so much a part of you that we really DO get it. Your special loved ones may need more, but only if YOU are comfortable handling it. Or so I see.
If you seriously want another conversation, who are you favorite recording artists or groups? I'm a kid of the 50's who loves jazz singers/musicians, such as Norah Jones, Diana Krall. Stan Getz & Tony Bennett. Music was my solace during my husband's final illness. Maybe it could give you some peace and temporary distance from the C dragon.
I love you and REALLY respect you. DK

Sent by Diane Keeter | 5:15 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy, I don't have time to read all the posts today except the last one here from Jen in NOLA, so I may be repeating what a lot of others have said. But I agree with Jen about the letter. When my Mom died of cancer a few years ago, she wrote my sister, brother, and me a letter. It's great that we will always have that letter to read with her words to us. I do cry everytime I read it, because I still miss her so much, but that's okay.

And you write so well, Leroy. I bet it would be easy for you to put your thoughts into words on paper (or computer).

Have a peaceful weekend. See you Monday.

Sent by Teresa from Missouri | 5:22 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Just a quick note to let you know that we are walking for you tonight in our Relay of Life. Our thoughts are with you during this time.

We can never repay you for the good you've done with this blog and we are hoping that each step we take adds quality time to your life and to others as well.

With love from Minnesota,

Sent by Marie & son | 5:39 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy,

When the time is right, you'll know it because the words will flow.

Sent by Teri Thomas | 5:47 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Since diagnosis, off and on for 2 1/2 years I have been writing my children letters. They deal with everything from stories from my childhood to my hopes for them as they enter adulthood. But there are things I want to leave for saying in the here and now, like "I love you" and "I'm proud of you".

Never assume your loved ones know what you're thinking - tell them.
Peace be with you and Laurie.

Sent by Marcia | 5:59 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy, I cannot thank you enough for the gift of sharing your journey through cancer with all of us. The grace, good humor, wisdom and humanity that you show us all is something I can only hope to approach in my own life. I continue to keep you all in my prayers and send good thoughts your way. May love, peace and and blessings be your constant companion.

Sent by Kathy | 6:08 PM ET | 06-20-2008

I say alot in my head--to each person--but when I try to say it outloud it changes, doesn't convey my feelings the way I feel them, the depth of my love. I too quickly become overwelmed by the pain I'm causing, everyone starts crying, so we talk about dinner and sales at the local mall. Much better.

Sent by saleesa | 6:47 PM ET | 06-20-2008

When others ask me " what do I say?" My response is " Man, that sucks. Lets go have a drink!" And move on to other topics like you said.
As for saying good by..I believe when the time is right the words will be there.

Sent by Theresa Lovin | 7:29 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Hi Leroy:
You just say what you always have to us in your blogs and if you don't feel like doing so that is okay too. Just be good to your immediate family and friends and say what they will need. They are the most important considerations.
Your blogs have been so important to all of us on the cancer journey. You have taught us so much about living, fighting and dealing with the good, bad and ugly in cancer world.
You are an incredible person and I have been privileged to read your posts which have always been true and inspiring. You have truly touched so many with your eloquent writing. My most heartfelt thanks for sharing your journey.
Will tune in Monday. Have a restful weekend.
Fran

Sent by Fran Rauba | 8:04 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Ask for help when you need to-your loved ones want to be needed-they need to be needed. They feel helpless because there is nothing they can do to remedy the situation.
Let your loved ones know that you will miss them and what they have meant to you.We all need to say good bye everyday to those we love because we have no guarentee that we will return home that night.
Be honest and speak from the heart.Cry toether and hug each other. Leave some tape recordings or videos so that your loved ones can visit with me when missing you becomes hard.
Rest and hold on to each moment this weekend.

Sent by Syndi Holmes | 8:05 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy:

I don't know the right answer, but what seems right to me is to express what you feel. About a year ago, I ran into a gentleman I know through my husband. During our brief conversation, he told me how sorry he was to hear of my cancer. He went on to tell me how he felt about me. This exchange came as quite a surprise, but it made my day! I'm not going anywhere anytime soon, but this conversation still meant a lot to me.

I feel that having a special conversation with the ones we love is important. Perhaps it's the only gift we can give them. If actually saying the words is too difficult, then do what you do so well -- write it! The warmth of your words will stay with them forever!

Love to you today and always.
Rhonda H

Sent by Rhonda Howard | 8:14 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy,
I have no additional advise but what I can say is CANCER SUCKS.

Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Some many days I say to myself "yep, me too!" "Oh yea, that did hurt!" or "I wonder if I'll get that..."
Anyway - it was a long week with probably little sleep. Rest (not necessarily sleep) and enjoy the beauty around you. Try to laugh as much as you can.
Namaste

Sent by Anita Apodaca | 8:29 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy.....

As a caregiver, I can say, even though we KNOW we are loved..... we NEED to hear it!! That simple "thank you", "I don't know what I would have done without you", "I will miss you" means so much...then, but particularly later!!

Whenever I think of those special words, I smile. It eases the pain!!

I wish I had a letter to keep and read and re-read, but I don't. I do have some old cards that I saved, with notes, which I cherish.... I have saved messages on my cell phone which I'll listen to.... every little bit helps!! Believe me!!

Sent by Betty Obst | 8:39 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Hi Leroy,
My posts have not made it for 3 day. I hope this one does.Just tell people how important they were in your life, that you love them and that they have meant a lot to you over the years.
Page - Oregon

Sent by Page Hendryx | 9:22 PM ET | 06-20-2008

At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.
-Lao Tzu

Sent by Miss Melanoma | 9:38 PM ET | 06-20-2008

"Those who live in the Lord never see each other for the last time."

Opinion: so much b******t.

I expect this won't be published, but what about those of us who don't believe in your "lord?" My other half, for one, did't believe, he believed in reincarnation. He believed in and was Jewish, therefore there was no Christ between them and salvation.

Right or wrong, who knows? We didn't agree. We won't ever know until we're there.

Sent by Artdude | 9:51 PM ET | 06-20-2008

I guess we can never tell someone that we love them too many times.

Sent by rochelle | 10:03 PM ET | 06-20-2008

I don't know the answer for anyone but myself, and for me it is a matter of leaving nothing important unssaid, and from there, sharing laughter, having a good catch up visit, talking about issues, politics, art, and great initiatives and books. No doubt, you and each person will try their best to answer the question for themselves. But usually, I feel, the person who is keeping the elephant in the room needs to make the first move to give permission to others to speak freely and emotionally if need be. Say what you'd want them to know if you knew you'd never have another chance to tell them. Then have fun and be yourselves. And hug, sit shoulder to shoulder and talk about earlier times, or dreams for the future, or the things you grieve and celebrate. Celebrate being there together in silence, just enjoying the birdsong and breeze. Do what nurtures you and honors the connection between you in real, honest, open, vulnerable ways -- but also in charcter. Just leave no room for regrets....

Sent by Sarah | 10:26 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy and all,
Kathy B said it all--she could have been describing my husband. When Leon knew that time was short, some days I would find notes in my purse after going to work. Now I cherish those so much--and I had old audio tapes of him singing and playing the guitar just for me (when we were dating in 1969). I took those and had CDs made so I can now hear his voice daily.
You will always be with Laurie, and us.
Jane

Sent by Jane | 11:17 PM ET | 06-20-2008

My dad died unexpectedly in April, aged 89, after a bad fall. For several years I had been meaning to record, or tape, or write down his stories...things about his childhood, his parent's lives, details about my parents marriage in the early days, etc. I kept putting it off, things got in the way. You know.

So now that he is gone I regret most of all not making those recordings (though we have a little bit on audio cassette, a crummy recording, but I'm thankful I have that), or not writing down his stories. I've heard many of them before, but have tended to forget the details. And there was so much more I never asked him thinking I'd do it another time.

So my suggestion is that you ask your kids now (I think you have children? If not, then your wife, nieces/nephews, friends) what questions THEY still might have for you, what they have never thought to ask before. Then have them write it down, or you write it for them, or make a video...whatever, because it's amazing how the details get blurry as time goes on.

I want to sit down and write my stories for my son...but keep putting it off. I had breast cancer a couple of years ago, and it shook me up for sure. Perhaps it will never rear it's ugly head again, but who knows....and none of us knows disaster might strike, right? So let's all get started writing "our stories" for those we love.

Your blog has meant so much to me, even though I rarely respond. Many of us still wonder what our role is supposed to be here on earth....it's clear to me that you have found and fulfilled your role and we are all grateful to you.

Sent by Diana | 11:30 PM ET | 06-20-2008

Leroy - As John Mayer's song says...
"Say What you need to say" (listen on link below). Like everyone else, there is so much I want to say to you. Mostly thanks Leroy, for being here, for being you, for saying what we all know and feel and giving our cancer a voice. I am so glad I stumbled on your blog 2 years ago in the midst of my treatment when I really needed it - you were a life saver. And I will always appreciate what you've done for all of us.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZ0z86LmXBM

Sent by Beth | 11:40 PM ET | 06-20-2008

May I be selfish......stay a long while yet Leroy. I have grown accustom to your presence each day. If I will miss you ......you have a wife and kids.....hang around awhile longer.

a hug
Carrie
cbelair.wordpress.com

Sent by carrie Belair | 12:12 AM ET | 06-21-2008

Dear Leroy,
You are such a wonderful communicator. My guess is you are always good at communicating w/those that you love. My advice is to be honest. To talk about your concerns, your love, the good times, anything meaningful. It's always positive to talk a/b the good things we have in our lives, especially if they are people. It seems like you are doing what you are wondering how to do.
Much love, Jennifer

Sent by Jennifer in CA | 1:26 AM ET | 06-21-2008

Dear Leroy and Laurie, I was saddened to read that monster was back on the offensive; those bastard cells! I want to thank you SO MUCH for continuing this written work through these tough times. I stumbled on your blog when I was researching my own renegade cells and your writing and reflections have helped me with my own battle. Many a day I've searched for a reason to drag my sorry bum out of bed and I lay there and think, I wonder how Leroy's doing today, if he can do it, so can I, and so thanks for that too. I sure hope you're going to assemble these missives into chapters and a book, it will help so many people for many years to come, please consider it and put lots of pictures in the book! One thing that has helped me relax, and you might try for yourself, is reiki sessions, just a suggestion. Maybe some day, in the not too distant future, cancer will be obsolete like other diseases that have scurged humans, but still your words are universal and helpful for anyone on the roller coaster ride of a chronic condition. So keep up the good work, thanks so much for being a great writer, a generous person and a warrior!
Sincerely and with many long distance hugs and good wishes, Mary in Alaska

Sent by Mary E. Fenno | 2:38 AM ET | 06-21-2008

As you know, Leroy, people love to be recognized. It's one of life's greatest honors, to be noticed by someone else. I'm sure the people close to you know how you feel about them. Tell those who aren't close to you what you have noticed, things that you've admired.

Sent by linnea | 5:28 AM ET | 06-21-2008

Leroy, One of my most treasured posessions is a letter from my father to me written shortly before he died of leukemia. I always knew my father loved me, but to have in writing that he was proud of me, that he believed in me, how he wanted me to care for my sister and mother. It meant so much. I still read that letter and it's 26 years later... Say things out loud, but also, write a letter to your dearest ones. I will never forget my dad, but it helps to have his love, his words of wisdom to me written down in his own hand-- something tangible to hold on to and help me remember. I will pray God gives you strength to do so.

Sent by Mary Oettinger Westra | 7:26 AM ET | 06-21-2008

I appreciate the desire to say everything that you want to put into words, but I'm not sure it's either possible or necessary. It's the experiences with our friends and families that have already said so much. You have a lifetime of experiences with the important people in your life. Times that you laughed and cried. Jokes. Profound conversations. All of those meaningful moments of love and friendship that are so much more than words. It's your relationships and how you live your life that tell people everything about your connection, love, friendship and appreciation. For a man with skill in words, maybe you don't need the words now. Maybe your shared experiences with your loved ones has already said so much.

Sent by Diane | 10:07 AM ET | 06-21-2008

Leroy-
I have thought about this often, since I my chances were good I would be where you are. I still think about it since one never knows. Tim Russert's untimely death hit me hard last week. It also made me understand that sometimes planning isn't such a gift. I mean to say, it causes us to dwell in a place we don't need nor want to dwell. It causes us to spend our "down" time thinking about things we don't really need to think about.

So, I have come to the conclusion that you don't need to say anything special, profound or expected. On a regular basis, I tell my loved ones I love them. That's all. When my time comes that's really all there is to it. In the meantime, I want to be a participant in this life and in theirs.

Bless you, Leroy!

Sent by Kathy Bero | 10:19 AM ET | 06-21-2008

Thank you for finding and correcting whatever caused the loss of several early morning comments yesterday. They mysteriously appeared in the afternoon. Thank you. As you can see Leroy, your loyal followers are not at a loss for words! Beautiful, loving, messages that you have inspired!

Sent by J C R | 11:20 AM ET | 06-21-2008

As one who has walked with you in spirit for some time, you don't have to say "Good-Bye". Your heart and spirit say you love us. I feel the hope you have and the strength you project. Your friends will remember the talks,stories and memories from a shared past. It is who you are that gets remembered. Spend all your time doing what you really do best: living life to the fullest. It is the legacy you have given us, your cancer groupies.

Sent by Jo-Ellen | 11:57 AM ET | 06-21-2008

Maybe you don't say anything. Maybe you've been saying it all along as you've been living your life.

Sent by Naomi | 11:58 AM ET | 06-21-2008

Leroy,

It's been a while since I checked your site but I think about you often. You and my wife are facing many of the same challenges. I get a lot out of your postings and share many of them with Donna. Your perspective is very helpful to us.

You're a fighter, just like Donna. Please know that you help our family cope with some pretty stressful stuff. And we look forward to hearing from you well past your next couple of birthdays. Take care.

Mike and Donna Perry

Sent by Michael Perry | 12:21 PM ET | 06-21-2008

To Leroy and your army -

You've been saying all the right things all along in this blog. My advice is to say to those closest to you whatever you're thinking at the time you speak to them, because you may not know when the last time is that you'll speak to them.
Every day, I'm struck by how articulate honesty is: yours and all the bloggers. If we could just print out this entire blog for our friends and family, it would would be a wonderful collective verbal legacy for them.
Wishing you and Laurie peace and rest, Ann on Cape Cod

Sent by Ann Stern | 12:30 PM ET | 06-21-2008

Dear Leroy,
I nursed my young son-in-law Paul for 15 months while he batteled Multiple Myeloma. Five stem cell transplants and a move to Arkansas for treatment were not enough to win the battle. He was 37 and died in Feb. I started reading your BLOG and sharing it with him when he was diagnosed in Dec. 2006.
He was a quiet young man, methodical and one of the smartest people I have ever met. Many times I read your words to him thinking they would help him with feelings and words that he was not used to using. Thank you.
In the end he didn't say much to us, his wife, my daughter or his two year old son. My daughter Nickie wanted him to say things to her but it just wasn't the kind of man he was.
For me I thought it was me who needed and wanted to say something to him. So I did. I thanked him for allowing me to care for him and told him I thought he was brave. I promised to look over his wife and son all the days of my life and told him I would miss him terribly. I thanked him for all his wisdom about cars, electronics, computers. I told him I loved him.
Be yourself Leroy and just say what you want to say.
It is those around you that need to embrace the opportunity to say to you what they need to say.
God Bless you Leroy.
Ida Nichols, R.N.

Sent by Ida Nichols | 2:19 PM ET | 06-21-2008

Hi Leroy,

The sadness I feel these days, for you, for the life situation you and your loved ones are coping with -- how much it strikes chords with similar situations in my life -- has brought me to a place of silence and no words. (for several days now.)

But I do want to say, please, don't assume that the people you love know what you are thinking and feeling, say everything and anything you need to, want to, ..... don't wait.

My great aunt died of "stomach cancer" in 2000, and spent the last 3 weeks of her life in hospice. When it was finally diagnosed, it was too late to do anything, and what she had done was to keep quiet about how unwell she felt. (Which is definitely the norm for my family, and for that generation. She was born in 1916 ?? I think.) But there was so much she did not say, and her last words to me were "I wish I had time to say some things that I'm needing to say. I wish I had time to straigten some things out." But she didn't have time. In her life, she ran out of time.

So, that's part of why I say (kindly) to you, say anything that you want to say. Everyone loves you and cares about you -- and no one is a mindreader. You have done a great job "saying" stuff so far. Say whatever is in your heart, mind, spirit. It doesn't have to come out any particular way. Maybe it's awkward, sad, maybe it's accompanied by tears, sobs, even. But this is such a deep place to be in, you are doing a remarkable job in every way.

I respect you so much. I appreciate all that you have given this community of people on the internet. I value how you have shared your journey with us, honestly, humorously, acknowledging the grief, and anger.

You are one of my heros.

Heartlight on for you, Leroy.

Sincerely,

Kim Blankenship

Sent by Kim Blankenship | 3:17 PM ET | 06-21-2008

You don't have to say anything. Enjoy your time with your loved ones (family, friends, etc). Those who love you will understand more than ever and you should NEVER feel like you must do anything.

The one thing my dad used to say until the last day he was able to talk..."I did it my way" (inspired by Frank Sinatra's song) He dealt with this monster and handled all "his way"...If you don't get to say good bye to some of your bestest friends...it's ok, they will understand.

In a way my dad never plain out said "good bye" to me and my husband. What he did do was he knew it was his time and the last time I was able to see him at home and talking I had never left his home so full of joy. That was the last day i spoke with him and his good bye. At that time it didn't dawn on me some of the little things he said and did that day but now looking back those were his goodbyes. So, what I am trying to say is that everyeone says good bye in their own special way and we as loved ones understand you and look back and put all into place.

Right now you worry about YOU and about Laurie and all the others will be there with you, BELIEVE me. YOu will feel them everywhere you are and however you are ;)

We all love for a reason and those who love someone love them unconditionally and trust me if you don't say "goodbye" to some, throughout your lives you have said much more than that, that they will take with them forever...and those moments are priceless. Plus, in your loved ones hearts you are NEVER EVER gone...you are there for always in spirit!

Love,
Crisina Barthel

Sent by Cristina Barthel in Tampa, FL | 5:02 PM ET | 06-21-2008

Don't try. Just let it flow. Whatever happens, whatever you do or say, is okay. It has always been so, and always will be. We just often don't know that until we're dying. The sooner we realize it the better.

Sent by Jane Birnbaum | 8:46 PM ET | 06-21-2008

Hi Leroy, Love is all that matters. If you find something is holding you back from saying something to someone, ask yourself if holding it in is based on love or fear and always go with the side that love is on. Then you won't have any regrets. They DO know you love them...but you never know whose path will be eased by hearing it out loud. So give that love away. Tell everyone what they've meant to you as often as you can and open the door to letting them tell you anything they might want to say too.

Part of your magic for me is that you fill in the blanks about how my brother in law might have been feeling inside at different points. He was outwardly very optimistic right up till the end. Many things went unsaid and to this day I still wonder how he truly felt and worry about a few things. Did we say or do enough to help him through it? Was he really that optimistic or just trying to be strong for us? Did he have no one he felt he could lean on? Did he understand how much I loved him and would miss him?

Even when you know someone loves you, hearing a deeply felt expression of love and acceptance (and maybe needed forgiveness?) can be a precious gift to the people who will hurt and miss you so much when it is your time.

Knowing you only through this blog, you have touched my heart and changed my perspective countless times. I think of this window to your thoughts (and those of your readers) as a huge gift to the world that will continue helping people long after you've posted your last words. It spreads love, awareness, and acceptance to people who desperately need it like ripples in a pond after a rock has been tossed in. We are better for this experience, and we are spreading that betterment like an army of angels that you are inspiring.

As you experience these tough times, I cry and grieve for you and your close ones. I am also re-living the loss of my brother in law and feeling so much empathy for everyone else here who is afraid of what may come or who has lost someone as well.

For you, I am now praying for as much good time as you want and when you're ready, as peaceful and blessed a passing as ever there was. Mr. Sievers, I will miss you so much when that time comes. I say this almost every time I post but again - thank you so much. I can't say enough how greatful I am that you are who you are and that you've shared what you have and that I was blessed enough to stumble upon it.

GO WITH THE LOVE NOT THE FEAR...we love you.

Sent by Nichole in FL | 11:12 PM ET | 06-21-2008

Leroy, both my son and I did two miles for you on Friday night. Last night I was awaken by a great need to pray for you and Laurie. Hope that things are going as well as can be expected. You are both in my thoughts.

Sent by Marie in Minneapolis | 12:00 PM ET | 06-22-2008

Leroy, Sorry, I missed this week. I took some time to visit my son, not a long drive 7hrs form us. I forget sometimes Cancer changes everything you do, so the drive was harder on me than I expected. And then the Heat and Humidity, which I'm not used to anymore. So bottom line it took more of a toll than I was expecting. We do have Cancer everyday we have it.

Friend-- Is it time to say goodbye, I don't think so, but that is yor call.

This is a mirror image for me as I just turned 62 on 6/14, I don't know about the next anymore than you do. I guess we could just go buy a cake anyway? Would the world spin off it's axis?

I hate what is happening to us all, there is so much loss to feel. It is impossible to deal with at times. Don't stop fighting, I don't want to lose my friend. Thoughts, Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 12:59 PM ET | 06-22-2008

I know it's a rhetorical question "What do I say?" so I won't presume to answer it. I am just so grateful you've been saying "it" for these past few years. I've been eating up your words each day. Which has been especially helpful since I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer 3 months ago and am in the midst of chemo before radation. I love you, Leroy. And as someone else said - I don't ever want you to say GOODBYE.

Love,

Cathy

Sent by Cathy R. | 1:13 PM ET | 06-22-2008

Leroy,

It's possible that John Mayer might have been reading this blog?

Of course, I personally think 42 times is a little much in a song to, you know, say what you need to say?

But I guess that 42 to the 23rd power is how many times I'd need to hear and/or say the things I/we need to say.

'Cause just thinking about them and not stating them plainly is very easy, right?

Thanks for another great question.

Sent by John from Wantagh | 2:15 PM ET | 06-22-2008

Leroy,
Our son, Andrew, didn't say good bye. I told him a few weeks before he died that he gave us much happiness, he was a good son and I loved him. We were very honest together. He didn't like small talk so I would sit with him for awhile and then leave him so he had his privacy. His Dad, and my husband, who took care of him the last months, said he was just trying to make him comfortable, and Andrew said he had. We did the best we could for our dear son. He wasn't one to share feelings. I wish he had. Today is his 36th birthday. Cancer is so terrible.

Sent by Maureen | 4:53 PM ET | 06-22-2008

Leroy and all,
When Neil was alive, we constantly said how much we love each other. What we did not do was talk about the tomorrows. We both wanted to believe he would beat it or at least make it a little longer than he did so we did not get to the important questions. What do I do after? How do I handle my life after? I wish we had. But we did talk about love, family and how much we both felt about them. I know how he felt about me. With much difficulty, days before he passed, he wrote on my Christmas ornament. "Once in a lifetime you meet a person to never leave" HI....even on deaths door, he was letting me know he had found true happiness with the person he loved and that was me. It lets me know he has never left me and forever will be in my heart...

Sent by Laurie Hirth | 8:15 PM ET | 06-22-2008

You have such a way with words, you will say just the right thing. You have said it to us all along, each day reflecting on your experience and helping us to reflect on ours.

Remember all of those good times with your family and friends, those are the things to hold on to.

Your generosity of spirit will never be forgotten.

Sent by Sarah | 9:37 PM ET | 06-22-2008

I am hoping at the very very end I will be in a hepatic coma..so right now every time I have friends over or they send me cards I always ask them do you know how much you meant to me in this life? Then it seems to be easier to have an entire conversation about the topic & no one walks away no knowing how the other feels.

Sent by Cherie Brown, Tucson | 6:48 AM ET | 06-23-2008

I remember years ago I was in an auto accident. I was paralyzed from the neck down. As my friends visited me they made me laugh, talked about things going on at home, and continued to support me.

I didn't know until many years later than many of them were in tears outside my hospital room. I was deeply touched by this. How does one respond to that...

Leroy, just keep on being youself...somehow, someday this may make sense.

Love ya,
Richard

Sent by Richard Williams | 11:03 AM ET | 06-23-2008

Please, please, please do not assume your loved ones know how you feel or what you are thinking. As a child to a parent who was lost young to cancer (age 52), if you can, you need to say it all. That is, tell them how you feel about them, how proud you are, what you admire, your best moments together and how much they meant to you. And, apoloize for shortcomings.

When my Dad passed away, he said nothing. He was a quiet man anyway and just couldn't do it, I guess. It has been 11 years since he passed away and I still wonder several times a week what he thought of me, how he felt about life with our family, what his fondest memories were, what was important to him.

Sent by Kate | 9:04 AM ET | 06-24-2008

dear leroy,
say it-anything and everything that is on your mind. please don't assume that your loved ones "know", because even if they do, it is still important for them to hear it. i don't know any caregiver who has ever complained about the honest conversations they had with their loved ones, but i know a few who wish they could have learned what was really on the mind of the patient. it is a gift from you that will provide comfort for years to come. there should be no regrets!

Sent by tina collins | 11:59 PM ET | 06-24-2008