Leroy,
That was a wonderful way to spend the weekend. Cancer didn't dominate the time with your old friends, but instead good memories. Really that is whats the substance of any life, the memories we have made. I am sure your life is filled with good memories.
Prayers,
Wanda Amorose

Sent by Wanda Amorose | 8:01 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Great! So glad you had a good visit with old friends this weekend, Leroy! These visits are important for you and for them.

Sent by M | 8:10 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Leroy,
I'm so glad you had wonderful visits from old friends this weekend. There is nothing like reliving old times and laughing with friends no matter how long it has been. It's nice to know that cancer doesn't always have to be the center of attention eventhough it always tries hard. As a caregiver I know how important it must have been for Laurie to be able to see you laugh and enjoy yourself and for her to be able to breathe a little easier knowing she could sit back and watch if she chose. Afterall, laughter is the best medicine for whatever ails us. Try to have a few more of the days this week. God bless.

Sent by Kathie | 8:12 AM ET | 07-21-2008

And good morn'in to you two! It sounds like you had a pleasant week-end (we all use different "measures of pleasure" and they seem to change with time and/or circumstance) visiting with old friends. It's such fun to reminisce about our past. I hope this whole week will be a pleasant one.

Sent by Susan | 8:13 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Dear Leroy!

Wish I could hang with you on the porch and talk. There is so much to talk about. I often wonder how you feel about the world today - and like many others: what you feel about the election.

Congratulations on a reprieve from cancer. Wish I could give you another!

Liz L

Sent by Liz L. | 8:15 AM ET | 07-21-2008

I am so glad you had that time to revisit your pre cancer world life! I really hope you go for as much of that as possible.

Sent by N.R. | 8:18 AM ET | 07-21-2008

That's great! Sounds like a perfect weekend. :)

Sent by Nichole in FL | 8:18 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Dear Leroy,
You are truly an inspiration. I wish my husband had just a little bit of your attitude. He is coming to the end of his journey and has become a very angry person. He does not want friends to visit and he has become very nasty with me and the children. He is always in a horrible mood. I have been with him for 40 years and sometimes when he looks at me I feel as if he hates the sight of me. My intellect tells me that it is because of his disease, but it is so very hard to handle. I wanted his last few months or whatever time he has left to be happy, but this is not the case. My children and I walk on eggshells so we don't upset him. He is on antidepressants, but evidently they are not working. I feel as if I don't know him anymore. We are two strangers living under the same roof. Is this how it is supposed to be near the end? Has any other caregiver faced this problem?

Prayers to all.

Sent by sasha | 8:22 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Dear Leroy,

Morning. Wishing you more moments in a different world. Glad you had a good time with your friends.

Heartlight,

Kim & Virgie

Sent by Kim & Virgie | 8:23 AM ET | 07-21-2008

So glad you had some good visits this week-end.

That chance to stroll down memory lane with old friends brought a bit of respite better than any pain meds.

Peggy

Sent by Peggy | 8:25 AM ET | 07-21-2008

What a good way to spend the weekend...with old friends reminiscing about the times you had and probably reminded all of you why you remain friends today. I would subscribe to the idea of doing this every chance you have. Let everyone in your circle to know that they are welcome to come for a visit...to renew friendships, to catch-up, to gossip, to laugh, to cry, to contemplate the mysteries of life and to say the words that are often unspoken but you know are there..."I love you". This is not meant to say good-bye but to say what's in your hearts so that each person knows.

This can be life-affirming for all. Oh the stories to tell and to be re-visited and the laughter to accompany each one! What a gift!

Prayers and blessings as always to you and Laurie.

Sent by Al Cato | 8:25 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Leroy, that is fantastic. Special friends and memories. My husband used to just love it when old friends used to come and visit. And remembering the fun days they had togeather. In younger days they used to race motorcycles and believe me they reran those same races many times. It also allowed him to escape to a different world for a little while which helped him greatly. Made it a little easier for him to tollerate other things he had to deal with.

Have a good day Leroy.

Sent by dorothy in oregon | 8:28 AM ET | 07-21-2008

So awesome! More days like that for you!

Sent by Lori | 8:32 AM ET | 07-21-2008

i am so so glad that you had wonderful and joyful visits this weekend. people and friends are what make this life work; what would we do without them? and, obviously, you have quite a lot of people who truly know you and love you and are very regretful that this is happening to you.

I must share with you what I did this weekend; I live in Saranac Lake, New York. In Lake Placid, New York, there was the Ironman yesterday. It POURED all day yesterday - and from 6:30 A.M. to 2:30 P.M. we were out in this downpour handing out gatoraide and water and bananas and power bars and power gel to bicyclists. They were incredible and as wet as we all were, it was wonderful.

Leroy, as always, much love to you and Laurie. Take care of each other.
Love, Jan

Sent by Janice Goldberg White | 8:35 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Leroy, Good Morning. Good to hear you are cheerful and happier about your visit from old friends over the week-end.
Sounds like you might do better IF you simply took a vacation from this blog for a while. You are now saying, many times lately, that it was so nice to NOT talk or mention "Cancer" in your conversations. Then why are you continuing this blog which is all about Cancer and dying? Again, dear friend, it does seem that it is time to look back to pleasanter days, or Forward to the future. Did you watch 60 Minutes last night?? Appears that there may yet be a CURE on the horizon. Love~

Sent by J C R | 8:41 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Talking about 'old times' is always fun. It's one of the benefits of being older even if young people just roll their eyes! You have some good friends Leroy, a sign of a life well lived.

Sent by Missy | 8:41 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Leroy - glad you had a great visit from friends. You need to talk of other things beside cancer with your friends and family. We had beautiful weather here in Michigan and I got outside and enjoyed every minute of it. Have a good day today!!

Sent by Deb from Michigan | 8:59 AM ET | 07-21-2008

I read your blog daily and feel that "you are me." You are all of us, sooner or later. We are all scared, at least if we have felt the monster knocking. There is an immediate equalizer between us. There is no pretense, attitude, show, phoniness (sp?) between us. Cancer is the great equalizer. No more counting "toys", etc. You are me. I feel very comfortable with you. Thank you.

Sent by Marilyn Cowles | 9:24 AM ET | 07-21-2008

I am glad you had time with friend thats always a positive thing. I think we live our dealing with cancer 24/7 but its not who we are. Thank goodness. Thats what helps us to enjoy days that don't just revolve around it.
We had a quiet weekend here in Michigan. just relaxing.
Enjoy the day.

Sent by Kerry in Michigan | 9:47 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Suck the juice out of everyday...whether it's a large or small drink...

Sent by Sandra Yudilevich | 9:53 AM ET | 07-21-2008

I like everyone else am glad you had a great diversion this weekend. This is exactly what you have been trying to say to folks who want to know what to do for those of us with Cancer.

That is one reason I love to travel. Most of the time none of the people I meet ever find out I have cancer.

I have been doing this clinical trial at Vanderbilt and will find out this week if it is doing anything. If it is I don't know what I'll do because I haven't felt great on it.

What I have done is make plans to go to Macchu Pichu in late August. I may not make it but it is a trip that I had planned the month I was diagnosed and if I can pull this one off it is one thing Cancer hasn't taken away from me. Peace,

Sent by Dona | 9:54 AM ET | 07-21-2008

IT IS WONDERFUL THAT YOU CAN TALK WITH FRIENDS ABOUT HAPPY TIMES OR JUST PAST TIMES. WHAT FUN!

MY HOPE IS THAT WHEN YOU CANNOT CONTINUE TO WRITE YOUR BLOG, SOMEONE ELSE WILL. YES, IT MUST BE SOMEONE WHO KNOW THE BEAST. IT NEEDS TO BE SOMEONE LIKE YOU WITH THE WRITING ABILITY. YOU WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN.

Sent by Mavis | 9:55 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Some years ago a working friend asked me to support her in her walk with cancer. I was honored by this request and visited her when I could. Often she would tell me it was nor a good time but eventually I sat down and started telling her my problems in the world and she started giving me counsel and would we would walk down this road till we were bhoth laughing.
When I was leaving she would say Thank You. You bring a little of the world into my life.

Sent by Peg Heglund | 9:56 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Opps! I forgot to say I think this blog is as much about living with cancer as it is dying from it.To me dying is the easy part living is the tough part..duking it out daily against cancer is the hard part. Sometimes we just have to roll with it and hope things pan out.

Sasha, I have been a patient and a caregiver . Yes in some cases its like what your dealing with. My Uncle was the same. Later we realized his pain meds were not enough. They also started to give him something for his anxiety.Which also helped somewhat. Have you mentioned this to his doctors?? Hopefully they can help some.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I know its not easy.Sending a big hug to.

Sent by Kerry in Michigan | 9:57 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Good morning, Leroy.

Friends, memories and laughter really make the day go well and fast. I'm glad you had that kind of weekend.

Sasha, don't hesitate to talk to your husband's dr. If one antidepressant isn't working, there are plenty of others to try. Pat had to try a few before he found the right one. There really is no reason why his last days, weeks, months should be miserable. Please call today. Good luck.

God bless.

Sent by Kathy B. from Michigan | 10:01 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Sounds like you had a positive weekend and I am so very happy for you. You and Laurie deserve many more weekends in a "different world."

Sasha- I am so very sorry for your difficult situation. Has hospice offered any suggestions?
Hugs to you all

Sent by Susie R. from OH | 10:04 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Good morning Leroy,
I hear you buddy, There's nothing like talking about things that only you and the other party know anything about.
Good stuff Leroy, I can really appreciate this offering today.
Just wanted to say welcome back and have a great God glorifing day.

Sent by Donato Salazar Jr. | 10:09 AM ET | 07-21-2008

What a wonderful weekend, Leroy. I'm glad you had some good fun and laughter!

Sent by Molly | 10:26 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Dear Leroy and Laurie,
Your delightful weekend memory reminded me of an essay by Maya Angelou:
"I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

You have obviously spent your life reaching out, with good questions, warm hugs and many pats on backs. Truly people will never forget how you made us feel.

Thank you.

Sent by Kay from PA | 10:33 AM ET | 07-21-2008

We all need some time like that just to clear our heads and catch a breath. With or without cancer.
Stay Strong Leroy.

Sent by Brit | 10:40 AM ET | 07-21-2008

THAT IS GREAT I HOPE YOU HAVE MANY MORE GREAT DAYS LIKE THAT. I ALSO HAVE A QUESTION I HOPE YOU CAN ANSWER HAVE YOU STOPPED ALL TREATMENT? ARE YOU STILL FIGHTING THE CANCER?

Sent by kim parris | 10:40 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Leroy, feeling normal, hanging out and laughing with old friends has got to be the best therapy I know! I wish we could bottle that stuff up and get an IV drip when we feel down.

I have started a care pages to update family and friends of what I am going through. Outside of that I really don't want to talk cancer. My motto is to fill my days with pain meds and friends.

Sent by Janis | 10:42 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Dear Leroy,
How wonderful it is to spend time with long time friends. There is no pretense because they know you so well. I am lucky to have friends I have known since grammar school. My best friend and I met in first grade some sixty plus years ago.
I am so happy that you had a good time with your friends.
Charlotte in Rural Ridge, PA

Sent by Charlotte Kewish | 10:46 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Dear Leroy - what a lovely weekend when you were able to be "you" again. I wish I could have been there too.
Sasha - yes, that has happened to me too, and I know how hard it is to cope with, on top of all the sadness of the cancer. I persuaded David to see a counselor, bacause the antidepressants he was on did not seem to help. The couselor was one who specifically deals with cancer patients, and I have to say that she really helped. He also saw a psychiatrist who deals with cancer patients and he changed his medication to a different antidepressant. I also persuaded David to have acupuncture and that has helped. It seems to relax him and his energy is a little better. Would your husband try anything like that? I feel for you as it is difficult beyond words to keep going when the person you love has become a cold, angry stranger. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Sasha. We are walking very difficult roads and if there is anything I can do to help, I will. God bless

Sent by Tina from Alton, IL | 10:47 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Oh the joy of friendship--it makes everything better, including the hand of friendship from those we don't even know! Sasha: I love the quote "when you are feeling unloved, be more loving." It's not easy. Also, I suggest that you get a photo of your husband when he was a little boy and carry it around with you, and look at it often.

Sent by N. Holmes | 10:48 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Leroy, Sometimes it is just very little things that remove you from the Cancer World. I am so glad you had a good visit with old friends.

At the moment, I too am not feeling very well. Have some kind of virus which is getting worse. Cold and Flu like symptoms always worried about your lungs when this happens. Thoughts, Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 10:55 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Making memories and Kodak moments. It sounds like a perfect weekend. May you have many more such great times with your friends Leroy.

Sent by Nancy K. Clark | 10:59 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Sasha, we are having a similar problem with my father-in-law. Last week, we asked our deacon to visit him, and I think that helped. Our other deacon is going to visit him this week. During my recent experience with breast cancer, the knowledge that so many of my friends were praying for me daily helped me a lot. To me, the physical body is just that, physical, but the spiritual is where all the action is. Thank God, I was able to maintain a sense of peace during my treatment that I wanted to convey to my father-in-law. So I sent in the professionals!

Likewise, I will keep you and yours in my prayers.

Sent by Pamela | 11:01 AM ET | 07-21-2008

These moments that are 'normal' are so precious when we live in Cancer World. Really good friends understand that when they come to visit, it's great to talk about whatever we have always talked about with those particular friends. It doesn't have to be some great significant end-of-life conversation. Just 'how bout those Mets?' or whatever.

Sent by sara in california | 11:07 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Hi L&L, I have to admit, I am still stuck on the "act accordingly". I also admit, I am a true democrat - fighting for social justice and all - can't stand the current US regime. You are probably wondering what in the world these 2 have in common. Well, the best answer I have seen to "act accordingly" is from - I hate to admit - someone from Bush's regime - Tony Snow.

An excerpt "Finally, we can let love change everything. When Jesus was faced with the prospect of crucifixion, he grieved not for himself, but for us. He cried for Jerusalem before entering the holy city. From the Cross, he took on the cumulative burden of human sin and weakness, and begged for forgiveness on our behalf.

We get repeated chances to learn that life is not about us--that we acquire purpose and satisfaction by sharing in God's love for others. Sickness gets us partway there. It reminds us of our limitations and dependence. But it also gives us a chance to serve the healthy. A minister friend of mine observes that people suffering grave afflictions often acquire the faith of two people, while loved ones accept the burden of two people's worries and fears"

For the rest go to:
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2007/july/25.30.html

As I have fought with my Dad that stupid stuff - AML - I realize just how important "act accordingly" is to my life. And how precious are those people in it. Leroy, thanks for ministering to the healthy and the sick, and sharing your life with us.

God Bless!

Sent by Mary | 11:17 AM ET | 07-21-2008

There's nothing like laughing together with old friends about our escapades in days gone by. It's good medecine for the soul, no? Wishing you more of the same in this coming week...or maybe even some new escapades! Get yourself a cat or dog, if you don't already have one. Or maybe borrow one from a friend -- just watching thier antics can be fodder for lots of new funny stories.Yesterday I rode out to a rural area near here, to a grove of eucalyptus trees where there are lots of nests of egrets and white-crowned herons. I laughed and laughed at the adventures of those big, gawky fledglings!

Sent by Doris | 11:20 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Mornin' Leroy,

So glad to hear that you had a lovely weekend visiting with "old friends". I have tons of friends, but only a few that I call "old friends" - the kind that you don't see or hear from for days/months/years, but when you do - you pick up from where you left off... those are the gems of friendship:) Keep on keepin on... Peg

Sent by Peggy from PA | 11:22 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Leroy and all,
After Neil passed, I found a note he had written that said simply, "memories are moments that are not ordinary". I am happy to hear you found a moment this weekend to create another memory. It was not just for you but your friends as well!
Sasha, talk to the doctor about your husbands antidepressants. They may be able to try something else. Neil did not get angry, he got disoriented. That was very scary for me. I thought it was the pain meds, but the doctors said the cancer had spread into his spinal cord. My heart goes out to you and your family, hang in there...its the disease and not your husband, remember that!
Continued prayers....

Sent by Laurie Hirth | 11:23 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Leroy, Hae you seen the movie "Bucket List"? I thought it was great.

Sent by Ruth White | 11:38 AM ET | 07-21-2008

This is a note to Sasha: I wonder if what you describe with your husband - that anger and unpleasantness - is expressed with unconscious motivation to help you separate from him. Consciously and logically we know, YOU certainly know, it doesn't help you to separate but.... Teenagers who are or have been especially close to their Moms and Dads have to develop an angry & often nasty persona that allows them to make the separation from their parents more easily. I have seen this again and again and always it seems that the kids closest to their family make the biggest cloud of smoke. Is he trying to make it easier for you to say goodbye?

Another reason maybe is that he feels so damn frustrated by all he cannot do anymore. When having Hand/Foot syndrome from Xeloda there are days I can't get out of the chair to walk. So I can't cook, do the laundry, vacuum, etc etc and I also can't go down to the beach and collect shells, can't hike,can't get down to weed my gardens, go shopping ,volunteer at the preschool etc etc. There are so many "can'ts" that I on those days have to fight with myself not to be angry & unpleasant to my husband. I have found strategies that help me feel/deal better, plus I am lucky in that I know if I stop the drug the side effect goes away.

It probably does not help to have someone try to explain what he may be going through though. So I'll also say that your letter touched me, and that I'm so sorry for you and for those who have the burden of caretaking without a loving response that would make it all much more worthwhile.

A note re keeping up this blog site: I don't feel the person who will keep it up after Leroy cannot do it anymore needs to be someone with cancer. I think it needs only to be someone who has had experience with cancer, can write and articulate their thoughts well and who is able to encourage participation. A caregiver perhaps? I wonder if Laurie might like to be considered, and if it might be helpful to her , or just plain difficult.

Hooray for Leroy to have had some good non-cancer time!

Nancy O

Sent by Nancy Oliveri | 11:39 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Can you book more such visits Leroy? They sound like such marvelous nourishing fun! So happy for you and for your friends that you had this magnificent memory lane time!

Sent by Sarah | 11:39 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Good Morning Leroy & Family,
I am glad friends stoppped by. I believe they stopped by because they wanted to spend time with you. Not because they feel you don't have much time left. Sometimes in our busy world we don't have time to see everyone we would like to. But when we do have the time, it is a wonderful moment to get to together and talk about the past, or what we are doing now, or what we plan to do in the future. It is a true "Moment" in time, and we hope we can revisit it again and again.
I am so glad you enjoyed your weekend, it was meant to be. I wish you many more of those good times.
Page Hendryx - Gresham Oregon

Sent by Page Hendryx | 11:40 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Hi Leroy and Laurie
Glad you had a good weekend wandering down memory lane. I love when old friends come to visit and you can be transported back to the good old days.

Sasha
I am so sorry for your situation. A similar thing happened to my mother when she was dying, only it was her doing the rejecting. She would have nothing to do with my dad, us kids were ok but she could not stand the sight of him, do not know why.
My sister was somewhat the same, only it was with her home. She moved in with my dad, who also has cancer, so it was like the blind leading the blind, neither one could help the other. We decorated her home, new paint etc, she came and took a look and said it was great, but never moved back in. She just lost all interest in her surroundings. It is strange people react to their illness.
Peace to all today

Sent by fay from AZ | 11:41 AM ET | 07-21-2008

I've heard it said by some of the greatest medical minds out there that a little wine(ice tea works), good food(grab that bag of chips of the counter) and good friends(no substitutions allowed) is very good medicine indeed.

Kate in California

Sent by Kate | 11:48 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Leroy.... I am so happy for you....and even more so for Laurie. It's true, when you see someone you love who has been (and is) suffering, it feels soooo great to see them have those moments of pure happiness and to let out those great laughs again. God bless!!

Sasha... I feel for you. You have gotten some great advice on here today. If your husband is not currently on Hospice care, I would suggest that you consider it now. If they will accept him, they can do a great deal to help him and you, deal with these emotions. They have group meetings of other caregivers where you can share your experiences too. It is so difficult living in those conditions; it pulls down everyone around you. You must take care of yourself during these times. I'll keep you all in my prayers!!

Sent by Betty Obst | 11:51 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Good morning Leroy,
I am so glad you had a peaceful weekend visiting with "old friends" remembering old times and having a good laugh. I hope you will have more days like that.
Peace be with you and Laurie too.
Marelly

Sent by Marelly | 11:53 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Leroy, Today's poem from Writer's Almanac reads as though it had been written for you, with your nomadic work life, and transformations:

The Layers
by Stanley Kunitz

I have walked through many lives,
some of them my own,
and I am not who I was,
though some principle of being
abides, from which I struggle
not to stray.
When I look behind,
as I am compelled to look
before I can gather strength
to proceed on my journey,
I see the milestones dwindling
toward the horizon
and the slow fires trailing
from the abandoned camp-sites,
over which scavenger angels
wheel on heavy wings.
Oh, I have made myself a tribe
out of my true affections,
and my tribe is scattered!
How shall the heart be reconciled
to its feast of losses?
In a rising wind
the manic dust of my friends,
those who fell along the way,
bitterly stings my face.
Yet I turn, I turn,
exulting somewhat,
with my will intact to go
wherever I need to go,
and every stone on the road
precious to me.
In my darkest night,
when the moon was covered
and I roamed through wreckage,
a nimbus-clouded voice
directed me:
"Live in the layers,
not on the litter."
Though I lack the art
to decipher it,
no doubt the next chapter
in my book of transformations
is already written.
I am not done with my changes.

"The Layers" by Stanley Kunitz from The Collected Poems. ?? W.W. Norton, 2000

Sent by Sarah | 11:54 AM ET | 07-21-2008

Hi Leroy, I'm so glad you had a weekend with good ol friendships and just hanging out. There's a freedom in knowning cancer's there and you don't have to talk about it because you are way more than the disease, and your friends know it, and besides, life is to enjoy, it really is. I don't know what's with me...I feel cheerful on a Monday morning. That doesn't happen often; must have been something you said :) May your week have many blessed moments. Sasha, I encourage you to seek answers from the counselors at your oncologists office, from palliative care psychiatrists, from social workers, clergy, etc. Anyone with some background in how to respond to anger of an ill person. One question is the why in terms of medication---is there something he is taking that is affecting his behavior? And then there is pain. Is that the source? But ultimately, these are your last days with him and YOU deserve to be treated with love and dignity. We are all human. I'm going out on a limb here, but after the facts are in, what would happen if you told him exactly what you've told us...or have a mediator or someone visit him and convey the effect of his anger. Maybe it's his last lesson to learn. Please forgive me if I am way off base. You know the situation much more, and what might be the right thing in your husband's case. But your sadness comes through, and you wrote that post for a reason, to voice your concern. "Speaking the truth in love..." there has to be a way. My husband has had his angry days and he did eventually find meds and counseling and this has helped tremendously. But you are important too. Walking on eggshells is for...nobody. Even birds have time to sit peacefully. Sending you courage and caring!

Sent by Sally in Spokane | 12:09 PM ET | 07-21-2008

"A moment in a different world" I love this title Leroy! - Good morning to you. What a meaningful experience. Thanks so much for sharing this here. It really makes me feel a part of your world. You have such a sweet heart. And obviously others have been touched by it over the years. This is why they will come calling now. I hope you will be open to letting people come and come and come. There are of course limits but I think you will find it reaffirming to the worthwhile, rich, life you have led and continue to lead. You just keep giving Leroy, keep the love flowing it can take one's mind off the physical and emotional pain for a moment when you are in that "different world". You gave your friend from 20 years ago such a gift to bring full circle your working relationship together. She got to give something back to you from so long ago and I bet she got more from you in her visit than she could have imagined.

As a past life-giver it meant so much to me to see my loved one have these visits. It made me feel so good too. My loved one would often invite me in to share in the experience. But often I just respected the privacy of the visit if that seemed the best thing to do at the time. Either way it gave us something else to talk about afterwards other than Cancer World stuff. These visits were very exciting. I loved them more than anything myself when I was sick too. It really gives one the sense of being transported, for however briefly, to another world.....yes, "a moment in a different world." Love to you Leroy. Graham from Sag Harbor :o)

Sent by Grahan G. Hawks | 12:23 PM ET | 07-21-2008

Friends and love are what it mostly is about, I think. You can't have either one of them separately. I hope every waking minute is full of both of them for you, Leroy, and for everyone. Sasha, whatever prescription that is being given him is probably what is causing that mood change. Change it, change it and try just winging it for a couple of hours. It just might be a different chemical reaction going on. Prayers and love to all.

Sent by Lucy | 12:24 PM ET | 07-21-2008

When my sister learned her prognosis, she wanted everyone she loved to visit her while she was here rather than come to a funeral. So we began a period of inviting all family members and a number of her closest friends to come visit from half-a-continent away. Another sister who owns a travel agency took care of all transportation and lodging. My ill sister didn't have the strength for long visits, so we planned other activities for the visitors -- major league ball games, shopping excursions, trips to the wine country, Carmel and Yosemite, etc.

It worked out beautifully -- lots of laughter and old memories, a wonderful atmosphere of love, just what she wanted....

Sent by Brenda in Texas | 12:27 PM ET | 07-21-2008

I saw this written in Russell,NZ some years ago: "The memories of the ones we love cast a gentle glow, they grace our days and light our lives wherever we may go"

Sent by Rosemary | 12:33 PM ET | 07-21-2008

Leroy,

I'm happy about your weekend. Sounds like a good way to pass some time. Hope you do more of them. Nobody can stare at the sun for a long time w/o going blind.Hope your day is a good one.

Blessings.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 12:41 PM ET | 07-21-2008

Diversion with old friends is a beautiful thing.....
Hugs to you Sasha....as has been mentioned before, be angry at the disease, not at him. He is losing control and often times people strike out at those who love them the most. Sad....talk to his MD and know we are lifting you up as well here in this blog

Sent by Karen | 1:20 PM ET | 07-21-2008

Hi Leroy,

I'm so glad you had a good weekend visiting with friends. Friends that we can laugh with are are a great blessing in life.

Sasha, I hope the suggestions on this blog can bring your husband some relief.
That will make thigs easier for everyone in your family.

Sent by Marcy in NJ | 1:50 PM ET | 07-21-2008

Leroy: So nice you had a good weekend. I hope there are many more.

Dearest Sasha: So sorry that things are tough right now. I had two bouts with Burge's anger, one in the hospital and one at home.

When Burge had to go back for radical surgery, Jan 07, he was very combative and scared to the point of talking about doing away with himself. He was so angry at me because I asked for the "shrink" as he called him, to come in. I admit things didn't go as I had hoped...even I thought some of the questions were dopey, but it got Burge a change of anti-depressants and a private room which made all the difference in the world.

The other incident, which I think I've told before, was at home while he was still mobile. We had an ongoing extended-family "situation" and one day I finally took a stand not to attend a family get-to-gather. It caused a big disagreement between Burge and I and when he came home and wanted to argue, I asked him to go stay with my son for the night. YES!, I threw a dying man out of his home, reminding him that as much as I loved him and felt sorry he was dying, I and the boys were having a rough go, too...that we would be the ones left behind to miss him.

As bad as this may sound to some, it cleared the air and after that, we continued to work very closely at keeping him pain free and well cared for. I don't remember another harsh word between us.

I can also see how your husband might feel about some friends. It's amazing what some people wanted to talk about, including his death and religious beliefs. At the time Burge was satisfied with his relationship with God and these things were a invasion of his privacy. He also didn't want people to see him in a diminished state. He looked wonderful to me no matter what, but obviously he was very self conscious about what others would think. We know what rumors have gone around town when others have been involved with dying people and he didn't want to be a subject of discussion.

I agree with those who say talk to your husband's doctor about different meds. They can make a big difference for everyone.

Nikki

Sent by Nikki in Kansas | 2:02 PM ET | 07-21-2008

Sweet! These are the times and the conversations you and your friends and family will treasure for years to come.

My mom made a cassette tape I've listened to since she unexpectedly passed away (hospital-acquired infection). She talked about her life as a young girl and woman, long (of course) before I was a part of her life. I learned a lot about her. It was great!

I like hearing her voice and remembering...

Sent by Scott S. | 3:08 PM ET | 07-21-2008

So glad to hear about your weekend, Leroy. We need to hold these things close to our hearts!

Peace,

Sent by betsey in albany ny | 3:44 PM ET | 07-21-2008

A note to Sasha- i am so sorry to read your sad thoughts and I echo what others have said. His illness is a destruction of part of your life too and I think you should tell him how his actions are affecting your family. He needs to understand your loss as much as you understand his.

Leroy- Hooray for you! I wish I could visit and I would promise to not breathe a word about you know what.

Sent by linda h. | 4:13 PM ET | 07-21-2008

Now that I think about it and look back, there was some of that "pushing away" that Nancy O mentioned. When we knew it was down to weeks, I came home one day and just said "We are going to have a pleasant rest-of-our-lives-together if it KILLS both of us. No more arguments, no more disagreement." And I held to it. I became adept at smiling and saying "yes, dear" no matter how absurd the request. I have no regrets.

Sasha, your husband is facing a very frightening new journey, one he knows he has to make without you. I smell fear...and who can blame him? But that's no excuse to treat you badly. Those closest to us can do the most damage, I know. Can you get a helper a couple of hours a day? Getting away for just a short time is a great help. You need a break now and then. Go have a coffee somewhere. Walk in the park. I know you want to cram the hours as full of you and he as you can at this point, but don't "make memories" at the risk of your health.

If I lived near, I'd volunteer to stop by a couple of times a week so you could get away. Your keeping up with *YOU* is important. YOU will still be around.

I hope this doesn't sound uncaring, but once he's gone, you'll still have a life to live. I didn't want mine (oh, how I wanted to die), but I've learned that it has a value to others, and that's worth something. You have a voice, and an experience, and you have something to say.

Love to you...

Sent by Bruce | 4:15 PM ET | 07-21-2008

I'm so happy you had a good weekend without the C word popping in every moment. Having stage 4 cancer myself, I really value times when conversation isn't about cancer or at least the topic is light. Don't be afraid to help your friends and family steer in that direction if that suits your needs. I thought of you often over the weekend and your Friday topic. I agree with others that the direction of the blog is something that can be decided later. For now, accept my sincere appreciation for your efforts in sharing your story. There have been many days that it was your strength and insight that pulled me through the day.

May you have another excellent day with moments that are "cancer free".

Sent by Alexis | 4:24 PM ET | 07-21-2008

Why does it take a diagnosis of cancer to bring past loved ones back together?
After my diagnosis, treatment & recovery I organized a childhood friendship reunion. Now I'm working on distant cousins-- the results are... more shared celebrations of our joys & more support during our struggles.
Peace & continued friendships.

Sent by J. Ron | 4:54 PM ET | 07-21-2008

To all,
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for you kind thoughts. Prayers to my wonderful blog family.

Sent by sasha | 5:24 PM ET | 07-21-2008

Sounds like great fun. Spending time with old friends lightens our lives so much, It takes us back to those good old days. Sending you prayers.

Sent by anne lumberger | 5:39 PM ET | 07-21-2008

Dude, you are not going to believe what happened this weekend. I was walking my dogs through the lake area of a city park when a red fox ran out of the tall grass. I said, aloud (yes, I AM eccentric), to the dogs, "There goes Mr. Red Fox". The fox froze and stood looking at me with his tail straight out like ballast. I watched him for a couple of senconds then said in a low, quite voice "Hello, Mr. Fox" and he just kept staring. I waited what seemed like forever, but most likely was just a couple of seconds and said, "Hello, Mr. Fox" again. He actually took a step toward me like he was coming over to say hi. Of course, my dogs went insane and scared him off.

But for one perfect moment, it was me, the smell of the boggy lake, the gathering thunderstorm, my panting dogs and an incredible wild creature shocked into stillness in front of me.

Cancer was in another universe.

Love,

Peggy C.

Sent by Peggy Carey | 5:40 PM ET | 07-21-2008

God Bless you my friend. It is so nice to see a smile in your message. Thank you for making me smile.

Sent by Robert Sheehan | 6:37 PM ET | 07-21-2008

Sounds like a nice time, Leroy! And even better, yet... NO CANCER. I am late on getting my post out today and will be for the week. My fiance and I are sightseeing in the south. We drove to GA and are working our way back. We visited with a few of my relatives. It is sad in way when once we were a very large family we are now quite small.

Stay strong....

Sent by Sue Chap | 6:50 PM ET | 07-21-2008

Leroy - what a blessing to have a moment of "peace" - one afternoon without cancer being in the spotlight, as it usually always is.

Sasha - my heart just went out to you as I read your post. At the time of Paul's death, I couldn't have wanted for a better partner in this life. He was so appreciative, so loving - and so apologetic. I think that after reading what you are going through, and after reading what Nikki had to go through with Burge - this phenomenon may be a lot more common than I had thought. After Paul was diagnosed with his cancer in 2003, he became a very angry man. I can understand the anger - no one asks for an incurable cancer. But, it was after my own diagnosis 7 months later when I had an epiphany of my own. I was fighting the same disease that he was, and I was not angry - there was really no one to be angry at. The moments that occurred around that time are so personal that I haven't shared them with many, even those who know me well, but I think that you, Sasha, have to know what I did. I looked in our local newspaper for a small apartment that was vacant. I told him that caring for him with cancer was not a huge imposition for me, but being the brunt of his anger every day, especially while I was going through treatment myself, was more than I could handle. I told him that they would probably put me on the evening news some day - that awful wife who threw her terminally ill husband out of the house, but I decided that no matter what was said about me, it had to be better than what I was enduring at the time in my own house. I told him that I would tell his children what I was doing and why, and that I would come over occasionally to visit, but I would not stay with him, because I couldn't take it. Sasha - I was prepared to do just that, because it truly was unbearable, just as it sounds in your post. No one should have to live like that. He knew that I was not one to make idle threats, and knew I was prepared to do just what I had said. It was HIS idea to go to the Dr. to see if there was something that he could take to make things better, because the thought of dying alone in a small apartment without anyone around was more than he could take. I regretted having to have things come to a head the way they did, but it was one of the best things that happened. Once he "got better", things only got better. It made his eventual passing a little harder for me, knowing that deep inside there was this loving man who had chosen, for whatever reason, to keep that from me for quite some time just so he could be angry at someone. I can't tell you what to do, Sasha, because that is a very personal decision. I just know that losing your husband in an of itself is very stressful; being the recipient of your husband's inappropriate behavior is another. I pray that you will know in your heart what is the right thing to do.

Jeanette Carney

Sent by Jeanette Carney | 7:47 PM ET | 07-21-2008

Nikki/Sasha/Tina/Laurie H/anyone else...I'm at wolf413 at gmail.com any time. I'm fighting a nasty summer cold right now but feel free to write.

Sent by Bruce | 8:04 PM ET | 07-21-2008

Hi Leroy,
The weekend sounded great. Cancer should not dominate your every moment. As long as you are fairly painfree, I say try to take your mind off of things and have some relaxation time. Thumbs up to you for the weekend.
And Sasha, I'm sorry you are having to go thru this, but as one of the caregivers of my Dad when he had cancer I can tell you he went thru some hateful times. He was on antidepressents also and they did not work. Love and Peace to all.

Sent by Teresa in WV | 8:39 PM ET | 07-21-2008

I think all you want when you are facing the long road of cancer is for people to feel at ease around you like the old days. sounds like you friends understood what is precious about life and your friendship. i lost my mom a couple of years ago. she was diagnosed with colon cancer and was told it untreatable. they said she had 6 months but she only had 2 months. 2 weeks after she was diagnosed she invited all her best friends for a 4th of july cocktail party. the only part she laughed about was
"i wish people would stop taking my picture as though i am going some place" she said that with the greatest humor, love and undertanding of her friends. i was blessed to be her best friend and daughter. there was never the "cancer monkey" in the room. if we wanted to talk about our fears and anger we did or if we just wanted to share the lastest news on sex and the city we did. a week before my mom died she said to me and my husband "I feel like going out tonight" we went out to dinner and laughed and had the best time. we were at our yacht club and she had oysters, a martini in one hand and and morphine drops in the other handle. she laughed that it was probably the only time they have had that class of drugs at the club. My mom was never a big drinker but only had a martini to celebrate a special day or to judge a restaurant on their food. "if they can make a good maritini then the food will be good"!! a week later she died in my arms after i said the hail mary in her ear. i just cherish the intimacy and fun we shared. it was the greatest gift i have ever received. i hope you have found the peace in your heart and the humor with those dearest and closest to you. i will say prayers for you. who knows you might meet my mom in the next life. her name is gertrude but all her grandchildren called her "goo goo"

Sent by sara hart | 8:52 PM ET | 07-21-2008

Dear Sasha:

My mother was also difficult. Both before and after she got cancer. I will never really know how she felt about any of us (my Dad and myself, especially).

Remember that you are all doing what you do (even the walking on eggshells) out of love.

In the end it is all we can do as human beings. Give what we can to those we love.

Hang in there!

Sent by Liz L. | 8:53 PM ET | 07-21-2008

Leroy,
I'm glad you had a week-end visit with old friends. That is something each of them will always cherish.

Sasha,
My heart breaks for you.. Leon never once got angry with me (toward the end) and I am so thankful for that. I know how difficult that must be for you. My prayers are with you,

Jane

Sent by Jane | 9:15 PM ET | 07-21-2008

Leroy, Glad that you had a wonderful visit with friends. I hope that you are able to have and share many more moments without cancer at front-and-center.

Sasha, I too hope that some of the suggestions given are useful to you. My heart aches for you and your husband together. You are in our thoughts.

Sent by Sheara | 9:21 PM ET | 07-21-2008

I just read a weeks worth of your blogs. I read of hospice whether it was time or not. In another blog you talked about ignoring pain, there is your answer. Hospice keeps you out of pain, their entire idea is to be as pain free as possible. So don't wait too long, I'm with them and they are a God send when it comes to pain. You can always stop them again also, no problem. Think about it.

Sent by mary fitzpatrick | 10:03 PM ET | 07-21-2008

Dear Leroy,
I was so happy to read about your weekend visit - laughing and reminiscing (different from remembering and regretting) - always makes me feel better. As the mother of three teenagers, I have made more mistakes than I can count, but I do feel successful when we all sit around and tell funny stories from the past. My children seem to understand how valuable that is.
Oh my dear Sasha, my heart breaks for you, though I believe Nancy hit it on the head. My mother did not want to die of her ovarian cancer, but she stayed positive and outwardly focused until the very end. She reached out, never withdrew. That said, I can completely understand withdrawing, isolating, lashing out. In fact, I can envision myself responding this way. This makes me realize how very fortunate I was as I dealt with my mother's cancer and treatment. As others have said, we are with you.
What a remarkable community you have created and convened, Leroy.
Much, much love,
Mary
Charlottesville, VA

Sent by Mary Sullivan | 10:29 PM ET | 07-21-2008

Dear Leroy,

The joy and comfort of old friends - I'm glad to hear that you could bask in one another's presence and "just be" and enjoy.

Old friends -- I've learned that one of my oldest and dearest is being diagnosed with Stage 4 Hodgkin's? or Non-Hodgkin's? Lymphoma (yet to be determined exactly which ... the doctors found the results "difficult to read" so the Mayo Clinic will be reviewing and determining). Added insult to injury, he's been slapped with a case of very painful shingles, due to his suppressed immune systerm. Ugh. Sometimes, it's just too much, isn't it?

An aside to Sasha: Wishing you and your husband and family peace (and help). What a wrenching (but unfortunately, not uncommon) situation. You are in our thoughts and hearts, to be sure, as is your husband and family.

Well, Leroy, it's almost 11pm your time, so you may not even see this; but I didn't want the day to go by without telling you how happy I am for your communion with your old friends. That's the good stuff.

Always,

Kim Forester

Sent by Kim Forester | 10:57 PM ET | 07-21-2008

What is it about reminiscing and remebering good times that is so good for the soul? I guess it just goes to show that our lifetime is made up of moments & memories. And who better to share them with then our friends. Glad you had a good visit Leroy.

Sent by Beth | 10:57 PM ET | 07-21-2008

It is way past my bedtime, but I couldn't retire without thanking you Leroy for this posting. Spontaneously laughing while recalling zany adventures of the past - we all need more of that !

Holly

Sent by Holly Gaenzle | 11:48 PM ET | 07-21-2008

I just stumbled onto this blog by chance. My grandfather, who was more like me than anyone I've ever known, died a few years ago from Lung Cancer. He was a very meek, quite person who never really spoke about anything, let alone his cancer. I can't say that I understand any of what he felt, as he probably told his dogs more than he told any of our family. To me, this is some insight to the things he couldn't tell me. Thank you for your bravery. I can tell you've touched many lives, and that is the true value of being alive.

Sent by Milo | 12:20 AM ET | 07-22-2008

I just want to say something about my wife's aunt Lessie do died from brain cancer on Sunday. She was my wife's favorite aunt, and I understand why. She was a wonderful, wonderful person. She found out that she had brain cancer in January and they gave her six months a few days later. I'm a survivor myself. In remission from a head and neck cancer since 2006. However, I have never seen such positivty and strength in light of having such a terrible prognosis. My wife and I came to visit her one day. She was in bed because she had such a tough day. When we came into the bedroom, she grabbed both of our hands and started praying for US. I still wonder how she able to think about someone else at time that should have been her lowest point in life. But then I realized that was just Lessie. She was always thinking about other people and helping other people. She was just a good person, and I just want you guys to know what kind of person we lost because even though you didn't know her, I can tell you that she was somebody you all would have wanted to know (just so you could eat some of her dressing or one of her apple or pecan pies).

Sent by Howard Dukes | 2:59 PM ET | 07-22-2008