God, keeping your sense of humor in the midst of all this what a 'mensch' you are Leroy! Thanks so much for your willingness to be so vulnerable , honest and open. It is truly life giving. With Love - Graham from Sag Harbor.

Sent by Graham G. Hawks | 7:21 AM ET | 07-08-2008

User's Manual--what a great idea. Did you ever stop to think how amazing it is that we manage to keep ourselves alive as long as we do, without one? Most of us would probably never bother to "read the directions" anyway..... :-)

Sent by Joyce Smith | 7:22 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Leroy, stay strong my friend.
I am sad today, but in a good way. I had a wonderful weekend with my son, but now the house is empty again. The dogs wander around looking for some more entertainment besides me and I am not much good for that these days.
Its what I call a funk. Thank you for sharing, your honesty gives me the strength to fight my own battles. I am starting to make plans for my tomorrow and that is giving me new direction and hope.
Sasha, you are in my prayers, I pray you find many moments yet to create memories!
Eileen P, how are you?
JCR, I miss your wit and candor!
Peace!

Sent by Laurie Hirth | 7:37 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Dear Leroy,

Today, I feel like yelling, like my kids did when they were little, THAT'S NOT FAIR! I am so sorry you have to go through this. Always remember, you are loved and there will be people to help you when you need help. You remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Sent by Mary C. | 7:39 AM ET | 07-08-2008

A cheat sheet would be great, wouldn't it?
It is a hard road for you Leroy, but you are still on it.
Sometimes that is all it takes to get us through the next day....knowing we got through the last. We will deal with "stuff" that happens when it happens, and it is so normal to think of what May come. HUMAN!
Prayers,
Wanda Amorose

Sent by Wanda Amorose | 7:46 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Oh Leroy,

I am sorry you are having to experience all these changes. It is a strong person that realizes that some things cannot be changed. My wish for you is to continue to be as strong and able as you can for as long as you can. If we as a group had to power or ability to change the future, I am certain we would.

Prayers for you and Laurie.

Sent by Sue Chap | 7:49 AM ET | 07-08-2008

When You figure out the secret of how to make sense of it all, You will let us know won't you?

Sent by Theresa Lovin | 7:53 AM ET | 07-08-2008

usually that way for folks breaking barriers into new frontiers. And yes, gravity happens. But all mobility is not physical, and even in a resting state, our molecules are dancing. With great care, Sarah

Sent by Sarah | 7:57 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Once you are in the cancerworld, even the "normal", little, everyday issues that you would not usually notice causes you to notice!! It is understandable that these issues would be attributed to cancer's continuing onslaught!

On the other hand, perhaps the issues are a result of the damage that cancer has already done coupled with the treatments already received....the glass half full thing! I choose to believe the latter for you.

Prayers and blessings as always for you and Laurie.

Sent by Al Cato | 7:57 AM ET | 07-08-2008

How does one accept seemingly random uncontrollableness? I guess this is the ultimate truth; we may realize we are not in charge of the universe, but our slice of control is even less than we imagine. Yet I don't have to "give" control to anyone or anything to realize it's not mine, ultimately, to give. I suppose I must accept the fact that it's all been an illusion that some of us have had to awaken from while the rest gracefully swim in blissful ignorance.
Would it make it any easier if we accepted this lack of control before it happened, instead of having to acknowledge it as it forces us to fight our recalcitrance?
Thanks, Leroy, for who you are.

Sent by Leonard | 8:03 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Leroy,
Good to see your sense of humor is with you. My husband has his first "routine" appt with the oncologist today after the blood clot crisis and I needed a chuckle before hitting the road. We have to constantly remind ourselves that maybe a headache is just a headache and not cancer but it is hard when you have to be such a watch dog of the body. You are right..there is no users manual.I would love to come to your show today because I do live close enough and the oncologist is just across the river but,alas, my job calls. Gotta keep the job and the insurance. Have a wonderful outing and God bless.

Sent by Kathie | 8:04 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Leroy,
Are you still doing PT? Isometrics? Weights? Maintaining some ambulation, as long as possible, is important, very important, physically and mentally.

You have some control over that. Exercise it and, hopefully,you'll feel a bit better.

One day at a time. Best Wishes!

Sent by Marilyn | 8:05 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Leroy, I do understand the part about the users's manual. A guide of some sort to help one walk through the changes in our bodys. To understand what is happening. I will pray for strength for you Leroy and remember we are all there with you each step. Hugs to you and Laurie.

Sent by dorothy in oregon | 8:10 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Dear friend:
May our joint love and concern embrace you and aid you in your determination.

Sent by Harriet | 8:16 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Good morning, Leroy,
That user's manual you mention - looked for it when I had babies and teenagers and now kids who are struggling, a husband who has had two by-pass surgeries and just the daily one day at a time. It is not there and we do the best that we can. And, I for one think that you are supurb at what has been thrown at you. G-d bless you and as always prayers are with you.
Jan

Sent by Janice Goldberg White | 8:34 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Dear Leroy,

I know this is a scary time, I wish you didn't have to go through this and there was something we could do to help.
I hope you continue to accept all help offered by friends and family - I am sure it is tough for them, too.

You are in my thoughts and prayers everyday,

Lianne

Sent by Lianne Friedman | 8:44 AM ET | 07-08-2008

It must be so difficult to have your body under such an assault, Leroy. I hope there's a way that you can take brief mental rests from the battle.
How's it going as far as visitors are concerned lately? Would you prefer to only have closest friends? Is it a welcomed distraction or too exhausting?

Sent by Laura | 8:45 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Hang in there, Leroy. I could use a user's manual regarding many things in life. Take it one day at a time. It is very natural to be scared and I will keep praying for strength to help you thru all of this "stuff".

Sent by Deb from Michigan | 8:51 AM ET | 07-08-2008

The older ones in my family used to say that their Get up and go got up and went. Cancer is so unfair, causing strength issues to be a reality for such young people like you. It sounds so overwhelming keeping track of everything. No wonder you are tired. Hang in there Leroy.

Sent by Irene | 8:58 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Scared.
Frightened.
Terrified.
All that and a bag of chips.

More often than I care to admit, cancer throws me down that seemingly bottomless pit of despair and anger. Sometimes when I feel my radiation damaged heart working overtime, or when the peripheral neuropathy just stays for days on end, I can feel a dark time coming.

Sometimes there's no physical warning, it just barges into my thoughts, crowding out hope. Today I felt the ground underneath me starting to slide.

If you're down there today Leroy, perhaps we won't be so alone.

Scrambling to hang on,
Debra

Sent by Debra in New Hampshire | 8:59 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Man...it just flat out isn't fair! Just knowing one has cancer is enough. The addition lack of energy and physical weakness add salt to the wound.

I wish it weren't so.

Peggy

Sent by Peggy | 9:05 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Ya know. Sunday I woke up and I had this terrible pain in my knee that I have never had before. (This is in NO WAY a comparison to you). The pain and weakness in the knee was so great that I really had a hard time walking on it. All I kept thinking was I have so much I want to do today and I don't have time for a problem knee...It actually p#$&8d me off. Mainly because of the loss of control over my body for that moment and most of the morning as I had to take it easy until it felt stronger. That situation made me think of my son and you Leroy. To have the mind still functioning and wanting to do every day normal things when the body is so not co-operating, I had a very very very small glimpse into the world he lived in and you are living in. Anger, fear, frustration. Just a few of the feelings I had. My son was as strong as an ox a year before he passed. How does a person 26 years old deal with the loss of physical function at that age? How did he keep putting one foot in front of the other and still tell everyone around him that he was ok and that it would all work out? It makes me so mad that he is gone. It is not fair. It should not be.

Nor is it fair that your body is not listening to you Leroy. I will pray for strength for you.

God bless you Leroy.

I miss my son!

Judy

Sent by Judy Voller | 9:17 AM ET | 07-08-2008

And the lack of consistency must be incredibly annoying/scary/confusing.......like with Hand & Foot syndrome from Xeloda everything is inconsisitent. Yesterday I couldn't walk for the first half of the day because my feet were so inflamed/tender. So painful it made me want to weep to touch them to the floor. Icing them (frozen water not frosting) helps alot so after doing that off & on for several hours they were tender - but I could walk on them.

I figured, forgetting that it never seems to work logically, that today would be even worse since I've had one more day's worth of Xeloda. But no, they are better today. A good thing.

Last week the Xeloda side effects included very painful lip and mouth sores that made eating difficult. I'd never had that but once, last October when I first began Xeloda. They dissapeared when I did the "7 days off" but I expected more this week.....and have had none ! The inconsistencies work well for me since on a "bad day" I can always say "Oh well tomorrow this may be not be so bad." And so often it's true.

So I wish you inconsistencies, that tomorrow what is hard today might be easier. But yes it must be intensely frightening to just not know what will happen and when.

That's why this whole crew of people is here in the boat with you. I've found over and over that simplistic as it sounds , it is love that makes the difference in dealing with difficult stuff.

Nancy O

Sent by Nancy Oliveri | 9:24 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Not only a user's manual, Leroy, but some kind of warranty, too. "Excuse me, I'd like to exchange this body for a new one. This one has cancer all over it. Thanks."

Sent by K. Ives, Duluth, MN | 9:25 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Good Morning, Leroy.

I hope you and Laurie went out and got one of those Lazy Boy lift chairs we talked about. Anything to make life easier.

Pat had lung cancer with brain mets. I remember when his thoughts got a little jumbled too. It just kind of came and went. One of the odd things about cancer is how individual the symptoms are. We were always a team when it came to putting things together--I would read the directions and he'd do the work. I remember the day so clearly when we were 'constructing' a new grill. After a few tries, Pat had to admit that he just couldn't do it. (after 3 years it still brings tears to my eyes-it was such a big concession to the Beast!) We switched jobs and got the darn grill together but, what a day. Very frustrating for him, and very sad for me.

Leroy, without meaning to, you sure can elicit good and not so good memories. That's one of the reasons your blog is so important. It's very healing. Again, thank you for it.

Deb from Michigan, I'm in the lakes area of Metro Detroit.

By the way, Leroy, I'm pretty sure Laurie's keeping a sharp eye on you too.

Kathy B. from Michigan

Sent by Kathy B. from Michigan | 9:29 AM ET | 07-08-2008

You are just a fantastic guy !

Sent by Jeanne Fleming | 9:37 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Dear Leroy, Your fortitude really comes through to me in this morning's post. You are tirelessly (well, I know I'm taking some license here)soldiering on, and still reporting back to us from the front lines. You are one of my heroes in this filthy, stinking morass of cancer's devastation. But please, do not let our community's bonds get in the way of you and Laurie needing to tend to your full-time "jobs" and needs. I am sensing that what is happening now is different from any pre- or post- surgical difficulties you may have had.

Sending love and prayers to you, Laurie, Sasha, and all of the others who are going through such difficult times. I wish that I could send /do more.

Sent by Sheara | 9:39 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Good morning Leroy!
I had a nightmare last night and was trying to call out but couldn't quite...then I woke up and it was okay. My Mom said, and it's true, that dealing with and facing my Dad's diagnosis of terminal cancer is like a nightmare that doesn't end.

A selective collection from your blog would make a good "user's manual" dear Leroy!

Have a good day, friend.

Sent by Linda Lee | 9:41 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Dear Leroy -
I have followed your journey since the beginning. Like you, I am a cancer warrior, diagnosed with Stage III rectal CA in 1999 and Stage I breast CA in 2006. Right now I am facing the probability of a second round of rectal CA mets and the vast unknown that is the future. I read and marvel at your strength, courage, and humor. You have given me the strength and courage to face each day. To put cancer in its place and look for life. The humor that drives the fear and night sweats away if only for a little while. Your life, your journey, you, my cancer buddy, give me your strength each day. That is an incredible gift and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
This small message comes bound up in my heartfelt prayers and hopes that you find that extra "oomph" and with it freedom from pain and all discomfort. I pray that your life may continue - selfishly - because you mean so much to my life in this world of cancer.
With love, hugs, and prayers -
KathyS

Sent by Kathleen Shapiro | 9:47 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Good Morning Leroy,
You made me smile this morning with the "seashell line". I have trouble with that one on any given day. I'm so glad to hear that you still have that "oomph" to keep going. Sometimes we don't realize how tough the human body really is. You are a true soldier to all of us here and give a new meaning to the word "strong". I wish you and all of those in cancer world a sunny painfree day. God Bless

Sent by Teresa in WV | 9:49 AM ET | 07-08-2008

I wish you a day of peace, Leroy. Thank you for showing so much grace in your daily battles.

Sent by Amy in NJ | 9:51 AM ET | 07-08-2008

I think the user manual is called an anatomy textbook. It's just not comprehensive or complete. Like a bad car manual that doesn't tell you how much oil the car requires or what to do when a light is flashing.

By the way, there are some software out there that can be used to convert blogs into PDF books. Perhaps you should do that with your blog?

Sent by Chris S. | 10:07 AM ET | 07-08-2008

When my grandbabies get into trouble with their mother and have to sit on the time-out chair, crying their little hearts out in despair, she tells them "it's a sad, sad day". That's how I feel right now, Leroy, reading how you and so many others are suffering on this day. As for me, like the Jane Kenyon poem, "Otherwise", I'm standing on two good legs--and know it will one day be otherwise. You are reporting from the front line of this battle for all of us, and scary it is, indeed. Namaste.

Sent by Rebecca | 10:14 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Dear Leroy
I hate these small differences that we notice in our bodies and reactions. We try not to get too scared but it is so hard when we don't know what is happening.
Our love is with you, and with everyone in our blog family. We are so blessed to have each other.

Sent by Tina from Alton IL | 10:16 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Hey Leroy,
I love your determination. My elder friend, when halo'd and bedridden, would reply to our question "How are you today?" with his consistant and reliable "Better than the alternative."
I am willing you and Laurie many moons of Alternatives. Sending you prayers of comfort, grace and peace.

Sent by Stitches | 10:20 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Thank you Leroy for sharing so sincerely and honestly your thoughts and pain, yes how scaring it must be!! Hang in there your are in my prayers.
Peace be with you and Laurie.
Marelly

Sent by Marelly Young | 10:25 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Leroy,

I can't imagine what it would be like to have stuff going on inside me that I didn't understand. I know I would be frightened. I think you are doing amazingly well with all that is on your plate. Thank you once again for sharing the real stuff. It is your authenticity that makes this blog so powerful.

Blessings.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 10:33 AM ET | 07-08-2008

You are certainly providing a users manual for us. Thanks for the tip on she sells, I find myself thick every now and then and should do some practicing.

Sent by Lisa | 10:33 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Leroy, it scares me to hear what's going on with you because I know some day in the not too distant future I'll be there too. I'm scared to hang on and scared to give up. Living it tough, but it is living. I have a daughter who still needs me and her beautiful young spirit lights my path when it's rough going. I am preparing her for when I'm not here any longer. I tell her, go, do, live. I cry because I don't know how long I'll get to watch her grow. She has cerbral Palsy and she's absolutlely courageous. She reminds me that our bodies don't always work, but it's all we've go to work with.
All we can do is stay in the now, Leroy. Stay with what you can do today. Stop your mind from spinning forward with all the different possibilities. It won't make them happen or not happen. Today is all that matters.

Blessings,
Kate

Sent by Kate | 10:55 AM ET | 07-08-2008

You and Laurie are in my thoughts. I know how difficult the progression of this disease can be. I know that this sounds like a cliche, but really all you can do is take one day at a time.

Sent by Donna R. in NJ | 10:59 AM ET | 07-08-2008

I wish we could donate oomph to each other in times like these. Today I wish I could do that for my partner, too. Please know we are there in spirit though.

Sent by Paul | 11:03 AM ET | 07-08-2008

These holiday weekends are tough on my husband. He tries to keep up with all that's going on, although none of us expect him to. Today, he will spend the entire day sleeping and resting to regain what little energy he has. And maybe tomorrow, too.

His memory is shot and the words don't always match what's in his head, but he's here! We know the days are dwindling and he wants to spend every possible minute consious and engaged.

Old joke...this life is a test, it is just a test...had this been an actual life, you would have been given instructions on where to go and what to do.

Sent by Ricci | 11:18 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Dear Leroy,
It just is not fair. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. Just remember that even if the day comes that you can't manage the extra "oomph" to get up out of the chair, even if there are occasional slurred words or moments of confusion -- your essence, your spirit that so many love and admire -- are still intact. Cancer can't touch them.

May today be a better day for you and Laurie and all the other members of this blog family who are struggling through hard times. I wish you peace.

Sent by Doris | 11:23 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Wouldn't it be nice if someone said, "First this will happen, then two weeks later this will start." Instead we have to guess what comes next and that means we don't know whether little changes mean big things or whether they are normal changes.

No cheat sheets available. I have had a number of side effects from the clinical trial I am doing but it is hard to be sure they are from the drug or the cancer.

Hope things progress slowly for you, which I suppose is the best any of us can ask for. Peace,

Sent by Dona | 11:31 AM ET | 07-08-2008

You know, if we came with a user's manual, it'd probably be written in Japanese and translated poorly into English, like so many manuals and guides seem to be.

I know the feeling of no longer trusting one's body/brain. I had my first seizure last August at age 42 (a grand mal, I was driving at the time and woke up in an ambulance completely disoriented)

And lately, I find my legs "don't work right." Last week, I had left my car windows down when one of our interns said "Are your windows down? It's REALLY storming."

I went out without an umbrella and tried to run to the car--and my leg muscles failed. I nearly hit the pavement. And now, of course, I'm very aware of...having legs. And every twitch and bad moment makes me nervous about what's going on. I need to see my neurologist, but I'm just now paying off my last visit.

Sent by Bruce | 11:37 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Since my husband has dementia along with his Parkinsons the only benefit I can see is he thinks this is temporary and that he will get better. The dementia keeps him from knowing that he will only continue to deteriorate. You are much more aware of your conditon. I'm not sure which is worse. Thank you so much for writing this blog, you may not know how insightful it is. It helps me to try and understand his helplessness. God's blessing on you.

Sent by Barb | 11:42 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Dear Leroy,

Thinking of you today, and appreciating your candor and honesty as you grapple with the difficult possibilities that might lie ahead -- As we say in my family, "ugga bugga" (read: UGH).

What a rich compendium of wisdom (as always) in today's comments. Sarah and Leonard ... I'm gonna copy those comments and keep 'em.

Hoping for your well-being today,

Kim Forester

Sent by Kim Forester | 11:50 AM ET | 07-08-2008

Leroy, I think the users manuel we came with does not apply to this. It is very frustrating to not be able to do something so simple, but it's not so simple anymore. We get weaker gradually fighting this thing, and it seems we never get the stamina back. We fight and it takes, at least that is how it has been for me. You are tough, stay strong friend.
Thoughts, Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 12:09 PM ET | 07-08-2008

Dear Leroy and All,

You continue to be in my prayers, constantly, for healing, and comfort. God Bless.

Sent by Connie | 12:17 PM ET | 07-08-2008

A user's manual wouldn't really be enough. I'd like to see warning lights.

Seriously, though, I can imagine how scary the small signs of deterioration are that you see and I hope you DON'T make observing them a full time job and try to spend time enjoying what you do have.

Sent by N.R. | 12:18 PM ET | 07-08-2008

I've been going though this thing a lot recently, wondering what I'm learning through this process of cancer. I've been reading your blog for a while now and have been glad to have someone bear witness to their life with cancer. It makes me think of you as a journalist from the front - from all of the fronts you've been at. It seems like you share the lessons you learn many times but I've been wondering, are there other lessons you've learned for yourself about going through your life, your lives, with cancer?

Sent by Tess | 12:19 PM ET | 07-08-2008

Kathy from Michigan - my husband also had lung cancer with brain mets. We have much in common. I am from the Grand Rapids area. I was just curious about where in Michigan you lived. I sometimes feel so alone and then I read the posts on here and once again am reminded how others are dealing with the same feelings that I am.

Sent by Deb from Michigan | 12:23 PM ET | 07-08-2008

The loss of control....strength....- it's all so hard. Just remember..........how limited Cancer is!
Our wonderful, big-hearted Leroy is still here and still sharing so honestly, and in such a candid and open manner! What a gift you are!!! Many prayers lifting you up today!

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited...

It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit.

Sent by Ruth Chermok | 12:25 PM ET | 07-08-2008

Leroy...there's so much to say, and yet it's so difficult. It's hard knowing that you're suffering, and observing your loss of function. It's beautiful seeing your continued willingness to share your thoughts and emotions with us all. It's touching, because you're discussing the human condition, and part of the cycle that we all go through. It's life and it's a lot. Consider yourself hugged.

Sent by Nancy K. Clark | 12:40 PM ET | 07-08-2008

It was good to hear your voice on the Minnesota PR interview last week. I try to think of ways to help you. A reading of "Tuesdays With Morrie" might be uplifting. I found it so.

Sent by Bob A. | 12:41 PM ET | 07-08-2008

Leroy,
I think the user manual idea is a good one, but thanks to chemo-brain, mine would have to be Bodyworks For Dummies!

Loving every minute we have!!!
Liz Z

** Hey Liz L ...where r u ???

Sent by liz Zimmerman | 12:50 PM ET | 07-08-2008

On that second try, imagine us all behind you giving a push. If we're strong as individuals, imagine what we can all accomplish together!

Sent by Patte | 12:55 PM ET | 07-08-2008

Leroy, I think of you every day, even though I may not be able to read your blog. Stay strong.

Sent by Alison Jones | 1:14 PM ET | 07-08-2008

Every day when I read your blog, I recall vividly the seven weeks between my sister's diagnosis and her death. I have pictures in my mind and on my shelves of many milestones in her journey -- the last time she ate dinner at the table, her last Easter Day, her last visit with my grandchildren, the last of many pictures of all four sisters together, the last time she took a real shower...

But always, I remember that she understood that this was indeed a journey and that one of the first steps was to relinquish control over her body so that her soul could begin to set itself free. As the threads that held her soul slowly broke free, her heart was liberated as well and she was more open to giving and receiving love than ever before. She consoled those of our generation that she was just taking the journey first; we all would follow someday.

Painful as it was for those who loved her, she truly attained peace once she was convinced that we all understood and accepted that this experience was all part of the universal journey.

Her last days were very peaceful; she was protected from pain and discomfort; she was in her own bedroom surrounded by things she had chosen and people who loved her.

I guess I'm sharing this because I believe there is a time for acceptance, a time to quit fighting the tide, a time to lie back on the water and let it float you peacefully away.

Just something to think about...

Love to you both...

Sent by Brenda | 1:30 PM ET | 07-08-2008

Instead of a user manual I have made mention to people that there needs to be a book written called "Cancer for Dummies" When my late Father {passed 2/06/08} had His first surgery I was asked by the Dr. if I had any questions. I told him I didn't know what to ask. His response was "Well when you figure it out let me know."

Sent by Camille | 1:52 PM ET | 07-08-2008

Leroy, You've done it again! Made me smile in spite of your situation. You are our treasure.

Just a little story of everyday life. I was on my motorcycle Sat., following a fairly new rider, who went through a stop sign. I started to go, took a quick look to the left, and saw a gray vehicle rushing through the intersection. With the front wheel turned right, I grabbed my brakes and was able to stop. But I did fall over and conked my head really hard on the motorcycle beside me. My elbow, hip and shoulder look like someone threw me 50 feet. But I was OK. We went to the traveling Vietnam Wall. I focused on what is really important in life. You are one of those important people.

Love to you and Laurie.

Sent by Susan in the beautiful mountains of Colorado | 1:52 PM ET | 07-08-2008

Such heart wrenching postings today.

Judy V- my eyes welled up reading your posting. What you have gone through takes a strength far beyond what enough should have to exert!

Liz Z - I'm fine, sweet of you to ask - just have guests and can't enjoy my daily ritual of starting the day with a quiet coffee and Leroy's army.

Leroy - good luck tomorrow! I know you are a pro, but it takes guts to go on TOTN and open yourself up to the whole country!

Sent by Liz L. | 2:06 PM ET | 07-08-2008

Leroy
I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Keep strong, your in my prayers for better days ahead.
Page Hendryx - Gresham Oregon

Sent by Page Hendryx | 2:23 PM ET | 07-08-2008

Dear Leroy,

Still lifting!

And to Debra in New Hampshire -- prayers for you, to ease your fears.

Sent by Janice J. , Los Angeles | 2:43 PM ET | 07-08-2008

Hi Leroy- Here you are, just like when you faced possible death on the front lines, but determined to report the story because you felt it was vital. You are a remarkable person and I wish I could do something for you. Please know you and Laurie are loved by all of us who have gotten to know you. What a gift you give us every day. Thank you- thank you- thank you.

Sent by linda h. | 3:24 PM ET | 07-08-2008

Hi Leroy.

Mary C. mentioned that there will be people to help you when you need help. Reading that triggered a memory from many, many years ago. I had just taken a position as organist in a small church and was very inexperienced and nervous. The retiring organist was a wonderful woman in her 80's. She was aware of my nervousness and said something that I found comforting in a strange sort of way. She told my that I need not worry when playing the organ, because she would be in the congregation and would worry for me! Somehow now it seems sort of strange, because it was confirmation that I had cause to worry (I once totally screwed up playing the Amen after a hymn and finally shouted out Amen in frustration). At the time it was comforting though because it meant that there was someone in the congregation who knew how I felt and was concerned for me. Enough to feel my discomfort and worry herself. So although I won't suggest that you need not worry, I hope you can take some comfort that there are people out here who care enough to worry, too.

More oomph to you.
Jon

Sent by Jon Manchester | 3:40 PM ET | 07-08-2008

Dear Leroy:

I remember getting a box of cloth diapers at my baby shower, and searching the box for instructions. There never seems to be enough owners' manuals in life!

I had a new experience this weekend. A date told me he couldn't keep seeing someone who had had cancer. Really no explanation. Although I just thought it was very odd, I had to refrain from saying "A--hole".

I have a framed Mary Engelbreit card with a Dick Sattler quote, "Life is Just so Daily". The poor lemur-eyed character, her hair standing out from her head, has broken out of the picture frame with her arms. I makes me laugh every time I focus on it.

But I agree with Bruce. If there was an owner's manual, it would probably says something like "Unexpected breaks of function maybe expected."

I did see a teeny tiny skunk this morning, about as big as a 3 month old kitten. And somehow that is enough.

Peggy

Sent by Peggy Carey | 3:59 PM ET | 07-08-2008

Leroy, Laurie, and all of you, Debra, Liz, Kathleen, Ruth, Graham, Wanda, Al, Chris, EVERYONE who is brave enough and caring enough to share your thoughts and hopes and fears and sorrows here--I feel as though I've come to know you all personally. I wish I could reach out and hug each one of you. Thank you for the grace you lend my life.

Sarah--what a lovely thought! "My molecules are dancing" no matter how tired, sore or sad I am. Thank you!

I am sending ALL of you in my thoughts all the "oomph" I possibly can.

Peace and blessings, Nita

Sent by Nita | 3:59 PM ET | 07-08-2008

As Nita says, thank you to all for your postings today. Brenda--my god, how you summed it up!

Debra in NH, my thoughts go with you.

Peggy--you don't need those negatives around you. Be glad you found out NOW he's an a-hole. And you have every right to call him that.

Tina--I'm familiar with Alton, if that means anything at all :-)

Laurie H: It does get better. I don't know how long you and Neil were together or how old you are, but I'm 43, we were together 20 years, and 18 months out I'm proud of myself for surviving alone. I never, ever thought I'd do it. Sometimes it's bleak, sure.

And I kind of like this person I've sort of been forced to become. It's odd. I find I'm much more inclined to cry with/for people, or be the shoulder to lean on that I didn't have. Funny how disaster makes us better at being simply human sometimes.

Hugs...

Sent by Bruce | 6:22 PM ET | 07-08-2008

Owners manuel....would have burned it years ago.Don't want to know,ignorance is bliss sometimes.Enjoy the people tomorrow!

Sent by sue | 6:33 PM ET | 07-08-2008

Leroy,
You (and Laurie) inspire us all by your continued strength. Thank you for sharing all of your experiences -- your words, your doubts, your humor.
love
Elena (and Aziz)

Sent by elena | 8:03 PM ET | 07-08-2008

Dear Leroy,

Just wanted to let you know, I really look forward to what you have to say every day.

Thank you!

Sent by barbara j | 8:32 PM ET | 07-08-2008

Leroy,

Thank you for continuing to share your journey.

Hugs...

Sent by Faun | 9:11 PM ET | 07-08-2008

Leroy, I consider this blog of yours the perfect owner's manual....I've learned how to be a better human being, thanks to you and all the others in this world....

Sent by Ann Murphy | 9:41 PM ET | 07-08-2008

A manual is what you provide for us every blog. Wishing you well for tomorrow. Prayers and good ju-ju being sent your way. With care and thanks.

Sent by anne lumberger | 9:58 PM ET | 07-08-2008

Peggy,
Better to find out what a butt he was early on...guess you saw more than 1 skunk huh? lol

Sent by liz Zimmerman | 10:19 PM ET | 07-08-2008

"If all fails, read the instructions." Even if I had a manual, I doubt if I would take time to read it until it was too late!

Sent by N.Holmes | 10:43 PM ET | 07-08-2008

Leroy and Laurie -

You have been writing the manual for the last 2-1/2 years. All members of Leroy's army have lived it one way or another.

You have a unique platform and you used it to the benefit of many more people than you will ever know.

You've helped who knows how many thousands of people understand the dignity required to suffer the indignities of the disease - you have spoken for those who could not or were afraid to speak. The Cancer World is already changed because of you and all the brave people on this site, including those lost such as Stephanie and all of the loved ones who will be forever remembered here.

The experience of losing several family members to cancer led me to a personal understanding of hundreds of years of philosophy - "Hell" is "regret."

Dignity, grace, respect, compassion - you are writing the manual. No regrets for you sir.

Sent by Janet Marie | 10:46 PM ET | 07-08-2008

My friend, I give you hugs. I've not got cancer, but I do wrestle with just the changes that come with getting older...I work in healthcare..so there is always that constant monitoring...is it 'just getting older' or something more perverse..that decision must be so exemplified for you, since you've been diagnosed with the 'something more perverse'. I hold you in my good thoughts.

Sent by Karen | 12:39 AM ET | 07-09-2008

i just heard you on the radio today...thank you so much for doing this! what you wrote today reminded me of what a sense of betrayal i felt that my own body had turned against me...i was 5 months pregnant when i was diagnosed with breast cancer...so it wasn't just a betrayal of my body but my womb, the only safe place i could provide my unborn child...i just think this blog is such a powerful way to connect and share and pass along whatever hope and comfort we can to each other...i had my faith in God to cling to when i began all this 2 years ago, my family and friends to support us...some people don't have those things and it breaks my heart to think of someone feeling alone in this...now that i'm a survivor and can look at my son everyday and thank God he's SO healthy and happy...i feel such a burden to reach out to those who are still fighting...
God bless you and your family, sir!

Sent by Laura | 11:38 PM ET | 07-09-2008

i just heard you on the radio today...thank you so much for doing this! what you wrote today reminded me of what a sense of betrayal i felt that my own body had turned against me...i was 5 months pregnant when i was diagnosed with breast cancer...so it wasn't just a betrayal of my body but my womb, the only safe place i could provide my unborn child...i just think this blog is such a powerful way to connect and share and pass along whatever hope and comfort we can to each other...i had my faith in God to cling to when i began all this 2 years ago, my family and friends to support us...some people don't have those things and it breaks my heart to think of someone feeling alone in this...now that i'm a survivor and can look at my son everyday and thank God he's SO healthy and happy...i feel such a burden to reach out to those who are still fighting...
God bless you and your family, sir!

Sent by Laura | 5:32 PM ET | 07-10-2008