Jimmy V, another star in the cancer constellations, sought to be moved to tears every day, through sadness or laughter. Going through the pictures can be a mixture of both, and a blessing.

Lifting !

Sent by Jack | 7:15 AM ET | 08-22-2008

What great memories, Laurie. What a fun guy to have known.

When Pat died my friend put together a powerpoint collage of Pat's life, put a couple of great songs on it, and set it up running on two laptop computers at the funeral home. Not only did friends and family enjoy them then but I watched it for weeks and months after--usually crying. Eventually, I'm not sure when it started, I started smiling more than crying at some of the pictures and the memories they evoked. I still have my favorite picture of the two of us as my 'wallpaper'. It's a great picture of Pat--I can really see into his eyes. I can touch and connect with him and say hi every day.

Still lifting... Hugs and prayers.

Keep the pictures out for a while.

Sent by Kathy Barney from Michigan | 7:20 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Thank you Laurie for writing us. It is a wonderful help to us all I am sure.
The pictures sound great. What you remember from them, will never be forgotten. That's a treasure.
Have a peaceful weekend.
Prayers,
Wanda Amorose

Sent by Wanda Amorose | 7:23 AM ET | 08-22-2008

My mother's favorites:
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain
When you wake in the morning's hush
I am the swift up flinging rush
of quiet birds in circling flight
I am the soft-star shine at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there, I did not die.

And

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the ocean...I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud come down to mingle with each other. Then someone at my side says, "There! She's gone!"

Gone where? Gone from my sight...that is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side...her diminished size is in me not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says. "There! She's gone!" - there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "There she comes!"

And that is dying.

Sent by Scott Finn, Montgomery Alabama | 7:26 AM ET | 08-22-2008

............and you will always have those beautiful dreams dear Laurie. Not many couples are fortunate enough to share what you and Leroy had. In the near future I too will only have memories........but they will be good ones. I am still so very sad about Leroy's passing and still holding you in my heart and in my prayers. Thank you for continuing to share your feelings with us.

Sent by sasha | 7:32 AM ET | 08-22-2008

I too found the photos brought back good memories and helped to get me past the last few weeks - I was told that 'it does get easier' and it does - there will be fleeting moments of sadness but those also are not as sharp on your soul.....keep looking at the happy photos

Hugs

Sent by Gaye Leblanc | 7:34 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie - the process will ebb and flow - and shift and turn - sooner and later. Take your time, think a lot. Breathe in, Breathe out. Sometimes it simplifies things.

One of my favorite quotes - "place this fearful mind in the cradle of loving kindness". Pema Chodron

May I suggest a couple books

When Things Fall Apart - Heart Advice for difficult times - Pema Chodron

On Grief and Grieving - Elizabeth Kubler Ross

Both help me tremendously

Sent by Julie Silver | 7:35 AM ET | 08-22-2008

It's so fitting that you wrote this entry today. I am writing this from my parents' house. Last night I slept in my Mom's childhood bed - a canopy bed that her parents probably bought her around 1930 (it wouldn't surprise me if the mattress is original - ouch!).

Last night I looked through tons of pictures, too. Mom teaching English in 1970, Mom at family events, Mom reading... well you get the picture.

I love seeing her everywhere in this house. Looking through pictures 7 years after her death makes me so happy.

Enjoy the pictures, Laurie. Take your favorites and blow them up. Imagine a floor to ceiling Leroy with a mai tai???
Canvas works best.

Sent by Liz L | 7:40 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie -

Cancer claimed my mother a year ago after a year-long battle. She was larger than life and touched many many people. I miss her more and more each day and the journey to healing is going to be a long one. I am so very sorry you have to walk this road with me. Leroy and his cancer community were a tremendous inspiration to us during our journey. Keep writing. There are many of us who will keep reading and lifting you up as you say. Leroy would want us to do that...love, debbi

Sent by debbi conway | 7:42 AM ET | 08-22-2008

I am heading in for a newer test today and would come here, normally, and ask Leroy first, what he thought. But, I'll be okay. The images of Leroy's halloween proformances made me smile real big. it will help me get through the rest of what coud be a very difficult day.

Laurie and all.......need anything at all..just ask!

Sent by Laurie in NJ | 7:46 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie:

May those pictures bring you happiness some day, instead of a painful reminder of loss.

I hope sharing your feelings with us brings you something positive (the feeling of support - which you have in droves - or comfort or just the sense of sharing). It means a lot to me to still hear your voice. My heart goes out to you and all of Leroy's close friends and family.

Sent by Kathy | 7:48 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Oh Laurie,

I love your post today. It brought a combination of laughter and a few tears. Pictures are GREAT! Going through my dad's things was difficult, I found it easier to take the things from his place, bring the condo building where my sister and I live (separate units) and give them to her to go through first. After almost 5 months I am starting go through pictures. I love looking at my mom and dad younger, smiling, healthy. I brightens my memories and really makes me smile and are much better memories to keep.

I am picturing a 6'5" Gumby??? And Dolly the sheep. What a hoot!

Sent by Sue Chap | 7:49 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie, Photos are priceless. I'm so glad you have so many good ones. They will help keep the good memories alive.

Enlarge and frame one of your favorites. When images of Leroy at the end haunt you, stare at the favorite photo until the image begins to fade.

You can also talk to the photo. I do!
Take care this weekend. Get some rest.

Sent by Marilyn | 7:52 AM ET | 08-22-2008

laurie, thanks so much for sharing with us. know you are loved.

Sent by sarah | 7:55 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Dearest Laurie,
What a wonderful life you and Leroy shared. That is why this is so hard. I still miss my bigger than life mother, five years after her death.
Much love coming your way,
M.A. Sullivan
Charlottesville,VA

Sent by M.A. Sullivan | 7:58 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Such amazing dreams and they are yours for life.........tears and smiles all at once

Sent by Jan | 7:59 AM ET | 08-22-2008

My eyes are filled with tears. Pictures are the most wonderful things. They allow us to be in that moment again and again and.....You are in my prayers. With care.

Sent by anne lumberger | 8:00 AM ET | 08-22-2008

That is a really great tribute. It sounds like you had some wonderful time together. Thank you for sharing that.

Sent by Celeste | 8:00 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Thank you, Laurie, for sharing those memories.

Its fun to imagine Leroy in all those fun costumes!

When my boyfriend died I searched for pictures, relatives gave me copies. I had fun imagining what he was doing, what adventure he was on then. It was good for me to remember and imagine his fun times, and not all the darkness.

Sent by jenngie | 8:03 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie,
Cancer has stolen so much from you it must be overwhelming. What Cancer cannot steal from you are your beautiful memories of Leroy. In time I pray they will give you much peace and joy. Please be taking good care of you as the days pass and do something really wonderful for you today even if it is just a walk or a massage or a great glass of wine with some wonderful bites of your favorite cheese.
1.2.3.Lift and hug
Paula

Sent by Paula Swink | 8:08 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie,

Ha! I think you need to post some of those pics here on the site. What a hoot! A six-foot 5 Gumby. No wonder those Halloween parties were such fun!

Sent by Jan | 8:11 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie - that Leroy will be in your heart forever. Those memories are the best and you will cherish them always. I can finally look at pictures of my husband but have yet to get thru videos of him. I tried to watch our wedding video on our anniversary this past June but could not do it. Someday maybe. You are doing wonderful Laurie - hang in there. My thoughts are with you.

Sent by Deb from Michigan | 8:11 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Leroy in drag! Perfect! You just have to laugh.
I have to say Laurie, you are doing a wonderful job of remembering Leroy in a positive way. I'm sure you have your down times, but I'm so happy to see that you are also finding the fun and humor in your time together.

At some point we have to start thinking of our lost loved ones a little differently. Instead of waking up each day and thinking "what is my life going to be like now without them", start thinking about what your life would have been like had you never been given the gift of having them in your life at all. Can you even imagine? Think of how empty our lives would be had we never met "that person". Sure we might not experience the grief of losing them, but think of all that we would have missed out on.
So would you trade that time you had just to spare the grief? No way! All you can do is be thankful for the privilege of loving them for the time you were given. My sister has been gone for 21 years, but I can still call her MY SISTER! My son can still call Matt his friend, and you can still call Leroy your man.

Have a wonderful day and weekend everyone!

Sent by Sue in Rochester, NY | 8:12 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Dear Laurie,
Thank you so much for sharing the Leroy you knew! He was wonderful to and for all of us out here; but the "guy" you enjoyed and loved, he is who Leroy really was.
Take care of you - G-d bless you and may you have some peace.
Love, Jan

Sent by Janice Goldberg White | 8:16 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Sweet Dreams Laurie.....
Warm breezes and well wishes for you.
Debra Altschiller

Sent by Debra in New Hampshire | 8:21 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Sweet dreams.

Sent by Susan | 8:26 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie, nice to hear from you this morning. It is hard after you go through a time like the last 33 months to sometimes remember back to when our loved one looked like Leroy did in your Maui pictures. Special memories. Those are the images we want to remember. I too spent time going through pictures and always gravitated to the before cancer pictures..

I hope you will find a little bit better day today. I will be thinking of you over the weekend and looking forward to hearing from you on Monday. We are all still lifting...

Sent by dorothy in oregon | 8:32 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Good Morning Laurie~ What wonderful memories of your shared lives together.
My Mom usedd to tell me that "this was all there really was to life-. "making memories for the future" Oh, she was so right. We store them away in this "filing cabinet" we call a brain so that we can reach in through out the coming years and pull them out for remembering and re-living.
Such precious, precious times. Cherish the good along with the bad!
Love to you and your Leroy!

Sent by J C R | 8:32 AM ET | 08-22-2008

What a blessing to have those memories Laurie. Thank you for sharing. It made me smile. (Oh to see Leroy as Janet Reno. That's something you don't see everyday :)

Wishing you a peaceful weekend and hope to see you here on Monday if that is your desire.

God bless you.

Judy

Sent by Judy Voller | 8:35 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie, I am so glad you can smile and see those pictures for what they are, Leroy. Not the cancer, or the battle but the good times when you both were just high on life. Good times. I can't imagine how hard it must be to go through them, wishing for other times. But just know, you will see him again and those times will pick up where you left off, BC, before cancer. My wish in this journey, to remember the good days and have as many as possible, even if it is just sitting in a room together, we are together.

Sent by Gina B | 8:40 AM ET | 08-22-2008

I'm kind of getting the feeling that you are going to carry on the blog, Laurie. And that you are a talented writer! What a gift to all of us. In the midst of tragedy you rise up and reach out to others. So generous, so comforting. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Sent by Wendy | 8:40 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Beautiful. More to cherish, and keep Leroy close always.

Sent by Leslie Erickson | 8:41 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie,
It sounds like you are doing all the right things: cleaning up the scars of the cancer fight, taking time to recover, feasting on pictures. Keep up the good work and please, please keep telling us of your process of recovery and memory.
1, 2, 3...

Eleanor

Sent by Eleanor | 8:47 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Thank you for sharing those memories with us.

Pictures have a special value as they transport us back in time to that alternate universe which is no more.

Peggy

Sent by Peggy | 8:49 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Even though the pictures bring sadness now, I hope that they will be of comfort down the road. We have lots of pictures from my mother's side of the family. She was one of twelve children. My mother was the "baby". A family ritual for us was to go through the same stacks of pictures each time we visited her. We never got tired of seeing them again and again. She is now gone but she lives through the pictures and in our hearts.

My hope is that you will make it a ritual at least once a year to re-visit the pictures of your life with Leroy. The photos, while bringing some sadness, will also rekindled the memories and hopefully bring some happiness that the two of your walked a very special journey.

Prayers and blessings as always.

Sent by Al Cato | 8:51 AM ET | 08-22-2008

You are blessed to have so many wonderful visual reminders of Leroy's life. These are bittersweet times; they bring joy and tears. I do believe though, that sorting through all the photos of my daughter to make up the slideshow for the celebration of her life helped me immensely in adjusting to her death. I trust this will be true for you too, Laurie.

Sent by Betty Obst | 8:51 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Thank you so much for sharing your memories with us Laurie. They are priceless. Namaste.

Sent by Susan | 8:53 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie, laugh and cry and feel all the feelings as you replay the memories. It's part of the healing process. There are no shortcuts or detours.
I'm fortunate enough to have a "scrapbooking expert" in the family. Her work is beautiful! She did Daddy's last Father's Day card for me--and now, it will be one of the things I have her place in the scrapbook she'll be doing for me with pictures, and a handwritten speech he gave as valedictorian of his high school class...Dear Dad, this was your life...
Sending love and light, Laurie! Linda

Sent by Linda Lee | 8:58 AM ET | 08-22-2008

LeRoy as Gumby...lol.....hehehehehe

thanks
Liz Z

Sent by liz Zimmerman | 9:05 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie,

It sounds like you were so lucky to have him in your life and he in yours. Keep smiling.

Sent by Sue | 9:06 AM ET | 08-22-2008

It is holding on to these memories, Laurie, that will begin to ease the pain of losing him. Gradually, you will go from tearfully feeling his loss to feeling so lucky to have shared all these fun times together. And you have lots of great pictures to keep those memories alive.

Sent by Linnea | 9:19 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Thank you so much for continuing this blog. I still have this to look forward to every morning. Memories are wonderful. So are dreams. Sometimes I know I have been "visited" by loved ones in my dreams. I wake up with a wonderful dream memory, still sadness, but happy knowing they are thinking of me, too. Day by day....just keep on keeping on. You still have so much to share with us, your and Leroy's legion of friends.

Sent by Sandi Packard | 9:21 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Thank you for sharing your picture day with us, Laurie. I hope they brought you many smiles and special thoughts as the memories surrounding the photos came back to enfold you.

Perhaps NPR could share with us some of those Halloween photos on their web site?

God bless you.

Sent by Dianne in Nevada | 9:24 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Beautifully written. And lovely to read. Those were the days.

Sent by Marilyn Cowles | 9:35 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Those Halloween parties were legendary - I heard about it for months before George brought me to my first. The costumes were amazing, but you and Leroy took the cake. I'm remembering dodgeball and laughing with a lump in my throat.
You are so strong Laurie - I am just sorry you have to be. You are in my thoughts all the time.

Sent by Marie | 9:41 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie, thank you for sharing your memories and I hope you will keep writing.

Thinking of you ~

Sent by Sue Hoppe | 9:41 AM ET | 08-22-2008

I have an 11-track hour-long DVD of our life together that I use when doing memorials for Terry (done 4 so far, 3 more US and 3 foreign ones still to do). Sometimes I get it out at home and just sit watching it and remembering.

I did the first one 9 weeks after my loss, and it was both hard and healing to get up in front of a thousand people and talk about our lives. Each one since has been tough in its own way, but I don't regret doing them. I'm just glad that I have enough photos to fill an hour's presentation.

Sent by Bruce | 9:45 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie, it occurs to me again if you know that you are giving comfort as well as receiving it at this difficult time. Thanks for blogging and sharing your grief. You and Leroy are really incredible.

Sent by Beth | 9:51 AM ET | 08-22-2008

That was beautiful Laurie. It was nice for me to learn more about the funny side of Leroy. I wish I had the chance to meet Leroy. I hope your memories are a source of comfort for you right now.

Sent by roni | 9:55 AM ET | 08-22-2008

I hope you are planning on making a book out of this blog, it's readers, Leroys journey and sharing, and many of those photos. Proceeds can help pay Leroy's bills, or be donated to help many others.

25 years after my dad died, we still look at pictures that make us laugh out loud. And that is definitely a great feeling.

Sent by David from Cincinnati | 9:56 AM ET | 08-22-2008

All your readers are so elequent, but I am not so- 1-2-3 lift! You are in my prayers.

Sent by Sherri Beadles | 9:58 AM ET | 08-22-2008

sweet sweet images and memories. you are a doll to share with us. love to you from sherri in texas.

Sent by Sherri Eggleston | 9:58 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie,
For the last year in my battle with cancer, I have looked forward to waking up and reading Leroy's blog. His struggles were so similiar to mine, that it made my life bareable. I thank you for continueing to write when you're are going through this most difficult time. When I got diagnosed with my cancer, I bought a camera. I wanted and still want to leave behind a way my daughters can remember all the moments we have spent together. The good times, the moment I lost my hair, all of the moments that captured our lives. I hope that they will someday sort through them after I am gone and laugh,cry and just remember the essence that made up our family. Leroy will always be with you. His life etched a place in your soul and heart. Go through the pictures and always remember not how he died, but how he lived. The photos will help..he will always be in your dreams, is most likely by your side now. Breathe and just take each moment by moment remembering your Leroy.
Blessings,
Miriam

Sent by Miriam | 9:59 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie, I went back and re-read Leroy's blogs from your Hawaii vacation last year. As always he was honest and up front with us. But you could certainly see the enjoyment he was having being in Hawaii . . . writing from the Balcony.
Peace and Comfort

Sent by Linda | 10:05 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Dear Laurie:

Please keep posting. It's therapeutic for you, as writing always is for writers, and your essays give us a picture of Leroy from another perspective and a glimpse into your own state of mind as you cope with your stupendous loss. I find that I look forward to your posts each weekday morning as much as I looked forward to Leroy's.

Continued prayers for you and for Leroy's soul.

Sent by Marsha Hogarth | 10:06 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie, thank you for sharing those pictures of Leroy. Since most of us never knew him before cancer, it's nice to get a glimpse of his happier days.

Sent by Gretchen Hoag | 10:06 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie,
I can feel what you are going through. It's still tough to look at photos of me and my dad, but I am also so glad I have them, and the memories. I wish I could take away the hurt, but you will come through this. I promise...and thank you for sharing your memories. Heaven will have an awesome trick-or-treater come this October.

Sent by Kathleen, NJ | 10:09 AM ET | 08-22-2008

First to Laurie in NJ, I hope the new test goes well, is not painful and maybe brings you some hope. Let us know how it turns out.

I love hearing about Leroy's halloween costumes. My husband is a retired Marine Lt. Colonel. You can bet that dressing up in drag or even as gumby is not something that happens too often around here : }!
I'm glad you have those memories to make you smile!

Sent by Missy Patterson | 10:13 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Dear Laurie, Going thru pictures is one of my favorite things. It really helps to keep the good times close to your heart. And it also helps you to realize that no matter what, you'll always have those precious memories. You are in my prayers daily.

Sent by Jeanne Stevens | 10:13 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Dear Laurie,

I smiled today. That Leroy - what a card! I can almost see him saying, "I'm Gumby, da^^*#!!!". What a special man. You were blessed to have so many years with him, but it doesn't make today any easier. Thinking of you, and missing him......

Sent by Connie (Bungert) | 10:42 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Thanks for painting these beautiful pictures for us. It's great to hear about the good memories and days BC. Many of us don't know enough about that Leroy. He will always be with you.

Sent by Nichole in FL | 10:43 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie, Thanks for sharing those fun and happy memories of Leroy with us. You have inspired me to make some more fun memories with my teens and to get them on film. Thanks for that and for letting us know how you are doing. You are in our hearts and thoughts.

Sent by NancyGM | 10:47 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie,
Already your grieving process is so much healthier than mine. I still can't go near pictures of my dad. I have a few of him as a young Marine, and one on my wall of him playing baseball, but the regular moments are still what I crave with him and the pictures will only remind me of what I lost. Your post to me shows your ability to survive this tragedy and be healthy about it and potentially help others. Like you helped me today. Thank you.
PS: What an interesting and complex man you married!

Sent by carolyn briggs | 11:02 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie-I am so glad that you are posting. I know Leroy would like this! You know we all love you as we did Leroy and hope that you will continue to be in our lives....Sue

Sent by sue | 11:03 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Janet Reno and Linda Tripp? TOO funny! Boy oh boy, I would love to see those photos! Although they can be painful at times to view. pictures DO help (they did when my mother and my sister died). They still do. Take care, Laurie...

Sent by Karen Laven | 11:11 AM ET | 08-22-2008

oh Laurie, that is just great! Pictures are GREAT! It actually makes me want to do something that I promissed doing when the chemo was taking the best of me.. you see, with digital pictures... a lot of great shots just stay in the computer and I had said that I was going to go through all my thousands pics of recent years and print and make albums... my 4 year old son will hopefully enjoy the pics of his mother and my husband of his wife...
lifting.. lifting...
thank you for continuing to keep this together...

Sent by Francesca in Zurich, Switzerland | 11:11 AM ET | 08-22-2008

I tried to post earlier and I think it got lost in the ether. I just wanted to thank you, Laurie, for being so generous in sharing those memories and descriptions of cancer-free Leroy in the midst of your own grieving. His courage, humor and love of life in the midst of the cancer battle have been well documented here, but it's nice to read about who he was totally aside from the cancer stuff.

Sent by N.R. | 11:12 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Thank you so much for sharing such funny and intimate views of Leroy's life in photos. From his posts we had a taste of his humor. The costumes must have really been a Hoot! What a very special guy. Enjoy these lovely memories. They will always be with you.

Sent by Barbara Langan | 11:16 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie,

I am so glad you are in your memories. Even tho you are very, very sad and trying to figure out your new world, the fact that you are looking at pictures and I know smiling at things like a big guy in a gumby suit tells us all how much you love Leroy. I said love, not loved. You will love him forever, even when your life starts again, those kind of people are never forgotten. He lead such a life, he was so lucky! Proof that you need to just go for it cuz you never know how much time you have. And we need to always tell those great people in our lives how much they mean to us (and hang out with them more obviously!). Take care, thinking of you.

Sent by Cindee | 11:17 AM ET | 08-22-2008

I think we'd all love to see some of the photos if you feel like sharing.
xoxo

Sent by sarah | 11:19 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Thank you again for giving us these thoughts and moments, gifts from you and memories for us all to hold.

Sent by Nancy Oliveri | 11:20 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Thank you for your touching post this morning. Leroy's presence is all around you.

Maureen in Arlington, Va.

Sent by Maureen Doallas | 11:22 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Thank you for sharing your Leroy with us. If it's not too personal,can you post (share) some of those photo's with us? I for one would love to see the Halloween costumes, even the tan and fit Maui pictures. We only know the "my cancer" Leroy .

Sent by Terri | 11:28 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Dear Laurie,
After my mom died this June, our family, well mostly my wonderful husband and brother-in-law, divided up many large boxes of pictures my mom & dad had taken thru a lifetime. We labeled a box for each of their 5 children plus one labeled family and commenced to viewing each picture, smiling, hooting out "Oh my, look at that hair, or outfit, or is that you?", then slinging the picture into the appropriate box. Our loving guys' help on this picture-duty was so comforting while us girls took care of mom's final arrangements etc.
My box should arrive soon and I too will set aside time to remember my mom & dad. I feel now I'll be ready to look with gratitude as our fellow bloggers have suggested.
1-2-3: Lifting you thru another day.

Sent by Marge from Texas | 11:30 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie - What a pleasant start to the day once again when I see your blog. Now these are the memories that will sustain you. These can never be taken away and they will continue to comfort you all day, every day. Thanks for sharing! I hope you blogs continue on for a long time. Sue Sheehan, Bothell

Sent by Sue Sheehan | 11:30 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Going through those old photos is bound to make you laugh AND cry. You are brave to open yourself up to such raw emotions, but then, that's the way Leroy was, too. He faced things squarely, let us all see both the positive and the negative feelings. Two peas in a pod?

Sent by Doris | 11:31 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie - may your memories help you as you go through this. I made 3 collages for my father in-law when my mother in-law passed away. It was such a pleasure to be able to do that for the family. For them to remember the times that she was with them and know that she will never be forgotten.

Thank you for continuing to share with us Leroy. It is so hard to lose someone you love now matter how much you know it is going to happen. But for you to continue to take time during your grieving to still let us be there for you and Leroy - that is an an incredible gift to us. Thank you Laurie. We are all in a club that we all wish we just weren't part of. May you continue to heal. Andi

Sent by Andi | 11:37 AM ET | 08-22-2008

It's been 11 years since my dad died of cancer. He never got to meet my wife, won't have the chance to meet our son who is due in October. I won't have the chance to ask him for advice, to share those moments with him, to give him another hug.

But there are times when I do see him in my dreams. In those dreams he meets my beautiful wife and the smile on his face is the same, broad grin he always had, his bushy mustache rising as the lips curl up into a smile. He meets his grandson and the smile grows bigger. And we talk, just talk, about whatever is on our minds.

I cherish those dreams and I think maybe, just maybe those are more than just dreams. Maybe it's how our souls stay connected until we get the chance to meet again.

Sent by Scott | 11:49 AM ET | 08-22-2008

Hello Laurie,

I can't help but visualize your helping Leroy with his make-up, especially the lipstick! But what about the whiskers? Did Linda or Janet have a beard or mustache??? What joy the two of you brought to others - and still do!

Linda Mc

Sent by Linda Mc | 11:50 AM ET | 08-22-2008

I'm so glad you are able to honor his life by re-living the joy you shared. One breath at a time and one step forward. He's with you all the time.

Sent by Anita Apodaca | 11:56 AM ET | 08-22-2008

So glad you have actual photos to add to your mental images of Leroy and your time together. A suggestion: Take a large photo frame (poster size) and make a collage of your favorite photos using whole and cut parts of the images. Then keep this collage in a place you see each day to hug you and make you smile.

Lifting along with the others....

Sent by Leslie | 12:04 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie,

This is my third attempt to post. Forgive me if I appear more than once. The only immortality I am sure of is memory. I have lived a long time and I keep many people in mine. I love to think about them, talk to them, and appreciate the way they helped me become who I am.

Blessings.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 12:07 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Have a good day Laurie, see you Monday!

Dream on

Sent by Joan S. | 12:07 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Dear Laurie,
Thank you for the wonderful post. Thank you for making me laugh and cry. This is good for you to look at those pictures and remember what a great time Leroy had, making those costumes. But what a big lump it leaves in our throats. Take care, dear one ... we are lifting ....

Sent by Jenifer | 12:12 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie-

As a person who has been treated for cancer and is currently being re-tested for possible recurrence, it is somewhat comforting (hard to choose the right word there) to see a spouse 'go on'. I know that at 36, I may be leaving my spouse with a lot of life without me. Knowing that it can be handled with sadness and a lot of grace, I am thankful.

Sent by Michele | 12:19 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Dear Laurie,

Thanks for sharing so much about Leroy. What a hoot! I will remember this when Halloween rolls around. I think sharing some pictures would be great, if it's not too painful for you.

I continue to come to the blog every morning, and am thinking of you daily. I have learned so much about life, death, grief, compassion, community, etc from it, and I thank you all for it.

Sasha - Continued prayers for you as your journey continues.

Continued prayers for you, Laurie, and all. And still lifting...

Sent by Laura | 12:21 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie: I now look forward to your daily blog contribution. Please Honey, continue to allow yourself to grieve. However, spend a lot of time dwelling on the warm and fuzzie memories, oh how this does help ease the pain. You are loved.

Robert

Sent by Robert Sheehan | 12:24 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Hi Laurie,
It seems a natural thing to re-live the best moments of a loved one's life shortly after they've left us. I've always done that. I've also found some humor and love in sharing with friends and family endearing eccentricities.

Hang in there. Thinking and praying for you.

Sent by Gyla Fowler | 12:27 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Good Laurie!! look at the pictures and remember the fun times and laugh and smile remembering. Some times it will be sad, but many times you will smile. So glad you are looking at the pictures. Thank you for sharing.
Peace be with you.
Marelly

Sent by Marelly | 12:27 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie - Thank you so much for those glimpses of Leroy in better times. I love the image of him in pearls!

Sent by Marcia Greer | 12:32 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Thanks for bringing more Leroy to us, as he continues to be you you. Leroy spoke of what would happen to this blog I senced in his writings he was concerned with the family that developed here. So very glad for the moment you have chosen to continue to write Laurie, Just know we all will miss, but fondly remenber the importance of the writings of Leroy on his journey that he gracfuly shared with us. Glenn

Sent by Glenn from Florida | 12:53 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Every laugh those photos inspire is a victory over the pain and another spiritual candle to Leroy's memory. I'm so glad you have them!

I spent much of the week between Dan's death and his memorial service scanning photos and creating a powerpoint. I set it up on a laptop at the back of the visitation room and let it loop continuously. The music throughout the visitation and service was taken from Dan's favorite albums (mostly Kansas, Tourdion, and movie soundtracks). It was incredibly healing to to work on, laughing and crying and remembering. Many friends contributed photos as well and continue to pass along any new ones they come across. I still occasionally play the photo loop, and often use the two hours of music as background at work. 15 months later, Dan is still with me every day.

~Sue in Rochester: you are so right! I had less than 9 years from meeting Dan to losing him and I can hardly imagine what my life would be like now if we'd never met. It was a helluva ride!

Sent by Nita | 1:02 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie, thank you for continuing to post and share Leroy with us. I come to this blog every day. Thank you, Laurie, and have a restful weekend.

Sent by patty | 1:07 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Hi Laurie,

I would love to make a photo montage, along with your favorite music, on DVD for you. Get the pictures together for me, maybe Joyce can bring them back to San Diego and I'll make a beautiful production for you to enjoy forever. I'm sure it's hard to think about right now, but whenever you're ready, I'm here for you, my dear friend!

Sent by Bev Lachman | 1:08 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie, you are amazing. You are wrapping your mind around all the wonderful and funny moments you shared with your guy. So healthy to surround yourself with the happiness. That was most of your life together. It's great to keep some of the goofy photos around; they will make you smile every time you see them.

You don't know how nice it is to find you here this morning!

Sent by Kay from KC | 1:14 PM ET | 08-22-2008

I have posted my favorite saying on this blog before; but it still stands:

Don't cry because it's over...
Smile because it happened.

Sent by Marilyn Trujillo | 1:17 PM ET | 08-22-2008

(I tried posting earlier but there was some problem ... I hope this isn't a duplicate.)
Laurie,
Thank you for continuing to write as you work with and through your grief. It is so intimate, and so helpful to so many. I continue to be blown away by the outpouring of love and concern from strangers for you and for each other. I particularly admire how some people say, "We" are here for you, care for you, think of you, etc. The "We" part referring to all who post. It's beautiful and true. What a gift Leroy and you have provided. I hope you continue to absorb the comfort and love WE all send.

Sent by Madeline | 1:22 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Leroy as Dolly the sheep! Now that's an image. I am sure the laughter and tears mix together, Laurie, when you look at the photos. I'm glad to know there IS laughter in the mix- the happy memories mean so much.

A very few times in my life, after the death of someone especially close to me, I have felt them in the room with me: not visible, but PRESENT. I am not the New Agey type and never expected to feel that strong presence, but I did and it was a wonderful comfort each time. Perhaps that happens to others, or even to all of us in our own ways.
What I am awkwardly trying to say is that I feel certain you feel Leroy's very real presence in some way.... and I hope that eases things just a tiny bit.

Sent by Barbara K | 1:25 PM ET | 08-22-2008

If you tried posting a comment earlier this morning and you don't see it posted, please feel free to repost. We had a technical problem earlier today and comments during that period might have gotten lost.

Sent by andy carvin, npr | 1:31 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Dear Laurie,

Oh, the sweetness of your posting today, and the images you conjured of your honey, Leroy! Thank you for sharing these warm and wonderful glimpses of him, and for continuing to so graciously welcome us through your door. We all love hearing your memories and recollections, and are here to help you bear your sorrows, as well. Whatever is needed; however we can be available for you; we are gathered here ...

I couldn't help but think of Jim Croce's beautiful "Photographs and Memories" while reading your message today ~ http://technorati.com/videos/youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DvSozWUvlqhs

As you mark the first seven days in the changed landscape of your heart, may you be offered unexpected blessings and sweet dreams.

A friend amongst (oh so) many,

Kim Forester

Sent by Kim Forester | 1:35 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Having just lost my grandfather, I find your posts particulary touching. We too had a picture day, and it's nicto surround yourself with happy memories or a life that was well lived, although too short. I am tearing up just writing this--I read this blog every day as a caregiver, silently, and I miss Leroy's posts. However, I find myself coming here looking forward to reading yours.
Peace to you

Tara in GA

Sent by Tara Ingram | 1:40 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Dear Laurie,

How wonderful that you immersed yourself in a sea of Leroy photos. It sounds like they comforted you. That's a blessing! I trust someday the memory of all the many, many wonderful years will outweigh the shorter, hard ones.

And if and when you're up to it, it would sure be great to see 6' 5" Gumby/Janet Reno/Dolly The Sheep. The mind boggles. :)

Please remember to keep taking good care of yourself.

Still lifting!

Sent by Janice J. , Los Angeles | 1:43 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Oops, my ineptitude flows freely. I'll try again with the link to Jim Croce's "Photographs and Memories" and see if the second time around does its magic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSozWUvlqhs

Affectionately,
Kim Forester

Sent by Kim Forester | 2:03 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Dear Laurie,
Your post was awesome. Thanks for the memories.....You keep enjoying those moments in time with your special Leroy...He was special to many. Thank you for continuing to post and I hope you have a blessed weekend.

Sent by Teresa in WV | 2:04 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie, Pieces of time. Pieces of Life. Happy times. All the best this day, Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 2:29 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Have we come to the point at which it is time to add a second, independent blog for our NPR community? "My Cancer" may now become "Our Cancer" and continue somehow. But Laurie's new experiences as a survivor show the need for a separate forum for those left behind after a death. Those finding their way and searching for a new way to live after losing a loved one (from whatever cause) are also needing a place to share thoughts and strategies. Just a thought.

Sent by Kay | 2:43 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Dearest Laurie and All,

Laurie, I am so glad that you have those photos to help you remember the fun times with Leroy. Your life together had to be one of many adventures. Especially the Halloween parties, I can just imagine the howels of laughter that came from the Gumby and Dolly the Sheep costumes! Now a 6'5" sheep, that would have had to be one wild and wooly party!! (Sorry, but I couldn't resist that one!) Laurie, I hope that brought you a smile. Thank you so much for sharing your memories with us, it helps bring smiles through the tears!

To All, I am so thankful that we still have this venue to share our travels together. It is a tribute to the community that Leroy built and also a sign of the tremendous strength of Laurie's love as she continues to guide us along. We are indeed, grateful!
God Bless!!

Eileen Pruyne
Charlotte, NC

Sent by Eileen Pruyne | 2:46 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Thanks for the laughs Laurie! I bet Leroy made a lovely Janet Reno!! You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Wendy

Sent by Wendy | 2:48 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Priceless stories! Tears come to my eyes reading them (of course tears have come to my eyes repeatedly since last Friday but these are tears of joy rather than sorrow). I am so glad you are reaching back to grab hold of all these good times and good memories. I pray they sustain you. Thanks so much for continuing to post to the blog. I think we all need you and hope you feel the same. Sending love and support your way,

Sent by Peggy in MN | 2:56 PM ET | 08-22-2008

A six-foot five Gumby, eh? What I want to know is could you tie his legs in knots? Or fold his arms twice around his middle? Or bend him at the waist and through his legs until Gumby could kiss.....er.....yeah.....Well, c'mon. We all know he tried :).

Peace be upon you Laurie.
Tally

p.s I second the recommendation of Pema Chodron's book.

Sent by Tally | 3:09 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie, pictures are PRECIOUS!! Be sure and put them on CD's and put them in a safe place.. Treat them like a precious person.. They are..

FROG!!!

Sent by Patsy Elmore in Knoxville, TN | 3:22 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Dear Laurie,
Thank you for sharing the "before" Leroy with us. You were both blessed to have each other. Sure would like to see some of those pictures. Wishing you peace and rest.
Charlotte in Rural Ridge, PA

Sent by Charlotte Kewish | 3:34 PM ET | 08-22-2008

With you in spirit across the miles, Laurie.

Scott Finn, Montgomery Alabama | 7:26 AM ET | 08-22-2008 - Thank you so much for those words....I've saved them to share with others. They are soothing.

Sent by P Sut | 3:35 PM ET | 08-22-2008

We never hear anything about a memorial service for Leroy. Is there one? I know it's one week today, which is hard to believe since he 'went home'. Please know he is still with you and always will be. I am glad you could go thru the pictures. Keep the good memories coming. Leroy wouldn't want it any other way... Love

Sent by Joan | 3:38 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie, how wonderful of you to continue to share with us. You are so eloquent in your writing. I still can't believe that Leroy is gone. I can't even imagine how YOU feel. Selfishly, I would love to see pictures of Leroy as "Gumby" and "Dolly the Sheep." The thought of him like that makes me smile. Seeing old pictures of a lost loved one is bittersweet. I try to remember my Dad and sister the way they looked when they were well, as opposed to how they looked when they were sick. After all, they lived for years without that dreaded disease. It's not fair to remember them as cancer patients. Our memories are something that cancer can never take away from us.

Sent by Donna R. in NJ | 3:45 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie, A quick post this afternoon to say that I think your most cherished memories are exactly those which Leroy would have wished. What a wonderful life you two must have led together! So generous of you to share with us! Thank you.

Sent by Sheara | 3:50 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Your pain is so close to my heart. My father passed away 15 years ago from cancer and of course I am still not over it. A day does not pass that I do not think of him, I am constantly reminded of his presence and his pictures still bring me happiness for the life that was and sadness for the life that no longer is. It does take time to accept, to move on and to talk about him without crying. However, I still cry. Your love for Leroy is strong and the pleasant memories of your lives together will bring you peace during the difficult times. Stay strong and remember that there is no right way to mourn, do it your way and whatever feels right to you is the right way (for you). We actually didn't clear out my father's nightstand on his side of the bed until years after his death. Some thought it was morbid but we (mostly my mom)knew when the time was right. If you feel like talking about him or writing about him we and those close to you are here to listen. Please do not stop sharing the stories.

Sent by Natalie | 3:55 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Hi Laurie,
I've followed you and Leroy's story for over a year but never posted a comment until today. I remember the early days after loosing my partner to cancer 2 years ago-it's like having your heart ripped out and stamped on huh? I'm glad you can look back on happier times already-it took me a long time to do that-even memories of the good times hurt-I slept with his hat for nearly a year and there were times lying awake at night when I thought I'd literaly die of a broken heart. It does get "better"-the memories of what cancer did to him have faded. I'll remember him, hear a song, family or friends will bring him up in conversation and I'll feel insanely happy-I was so lucky to have had that kind of love in my life and that's when I feel his presence with me. My heart aches for you. Thank you for sharing your memories-Leroy and you have touched a lot of hearts.
Here's a poem that sums it up perfectly from the Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."

And he answered:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

Sent by Michelle | 4:01 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Dear Laurie,

I am so glad that you are writing to us. Makes me happy for you to share your thoughts and memories.

My husband was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in 2007. He had chemo, radiation, surgery and then more chemo. Scans were good. Now he feels a mass in his abdomen. Monday is his appt to see the doctor. Please God, I hope it is not what we think it is. He didn't smoke, drink or have reflux. He only had a cough which we thought was due to his blood pressure meds.

Please send some good thoughts our way.
Thanks.

I would love to see some of those Halloween pictures!!

Sent by barbara j | 4:02 PM ET | 08-22-2008

My heart just aches for you. I hope God will help ease your pain. I can not even imagine life without my busband. Praying for you..Lori

Sent by Lori West | 4:08 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Dear Laurie,

I just found out about Leroy yesterday and my tears have not stopped.

I hope the memories attached to those old photos lift you higher and higher.

Take care, be well, & God Bless!

Sent by Ivette Anzelone | 4:13 PM ET | 08-22-2008

See, there you go. As a child and a teen I was horrified by Gumby and had a true Gumby phobia.

But somehow, the picture of Leroy, the man who wrote so eloquently about what he saw in Rwanda, dressed as a giant Gumby, lets me see what the humour was about.

Maybe.

Peggy C.

Sent by Peggy Carey | 4:36 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Thank you for continuing to write and sharing your life with us. Your writing is as much as a gift as Leroy's.

Sent by suzanne | 4:59 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Dear Laurie,
I'm so happy you can reminisce on the good times you and Leroy shared. Thank you for your post.

Sent by Paulette | 5:15 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Oh, Laurie, thank you so much for sharing your pictures with us. I hope you are finding this as helpful as I am, and I am someone who only knows you both from 3000 miles away. Cherish those wonderful memories!

Sent by Judith Newkirk | 5:19 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie,
Cancer can never take away the Leroy in all those pictures--He lives in your heart now, just as Leon lives in mine.
Barbara J, I will be waiting with you for the next test results--I so remember the panic, waiting to see what is wrong, and the joy we tried to cling to when the news was good.
Special prayers for Sasha, Tina, Nikki, Bruce, Deb, Kathy B, Dorothy, Nita, Michelle and all the others living my life.
Laurie, if you feel you cannot continue with this blog, maybe Kay has a good idea--it is "Our Cancer". I hope you keep writing but I don't want you to feel you have to for us.

Jane

Sent by Jane | 5:25 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Thank you Laurie -

The tide recedes but leaves behind
Bright seashells in the sand,
The sun goes down but the gentle warmth
Still lingers on the land,
The music stops and yet the melody echoes on
In sweet refrains,
For every joy that passes,
Something beautiful remains.

Sent by Jerry in DC | 5:32 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie,

Your post gave me a tear or two and lots of grins! I think Leroy knew how to live life and that says a lot about him. What a neat guy. Thank you for sharing your memories.

Sent by Carol | 5:34 PM ET | 08-22-2008

oh yes-Pema Chrodron! Saved my life/sanity. Good for whatever Dificult Times one might be going through....

Sent by Marjorie Hamilton | 5:46 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Dear Laurie, I still come to the blog each morning, and I am so grateful that you are keeping it going. So many people want to be there (here) for you as you and Leroy have been for all of us. May your weekend be peaceful.
Rachel

Sent by Rachel | 5:53 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie,

Thank you for sharing your memories with us. It seems pictures may be today's theme for many. My sister Rachel passed away in March. Today I received an 16 pictures of her in an e-mail from one of her best friends.

And thank you, Marilyn, who wrote some helpful advice earlier [Marilyn | 7:52 AM ET | 08-22-2008]. There are lasting images that haunt me. And your advice works. I used one of the pictures that was sent to me today.

Lifting you all ---

What is so extraordinary is that

Sent by Laurie - Water Valley, Mississippie | 5:55 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Thank you for sharing your remembrances of Leroy with us. It was lovely to read your words today. I will miss you over the weekend. You are in my thoughts always.
Sasha - you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sent by Tina from Alton, IL | 5:55 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Dear Laurie, I have not read for a few days, but I am LIFTING too. I loved today's post; please show us some pics if you can or want to. Meanwhile, I read this at every Hospice Memorial Service, I thought you might appreciate it:

Lord, teach me to rest. Teach me to leave things be and not to think that I must have everything in order before I go to sleep...

Teach me to accept my tiredness without getting upset or bitter about it, without complaining about my need for sleep...

Teach me to finish one day. How else will I ever learn to die... For there will be work left after I'm gone...Teach me to accept that I'm not you...

Text from Paul Geres' Prayers for Impossible Days
translated by Ingalill Hellman Hjelm, my Hospice patient who died May 31, 2006.

Sent by -Rachel- Phila. Hospice Nurse | 6:05 PM ET | 08-22-2008

I remember Gumby well.

Leroy let me have the Styrofoam after Halloween so I could play the role of this giant cucumber/mascot for that year's Nutrition Fair at my kids' elementary school.

I'm greatly saddened by his passing and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Joe

Sent by Joe O'Connor | 6:22 PM ET | 08-22-2008

We love you Laurie..and we continue to lift you up and support you on this journey.

Sent by Karen | 6:32 PM ET | 08-22-2008

I have been following this community for some time but this is my first post.

I found Leroy's blog sometime after my bladder cancer diagnosis in 2006. Although it was Stage IV, it was not muscle invasive and so far immunologic treatment (BCG and interferon) has kept it at bay. Still I felt the "beast" hovering just out of sight. Then late last year my baby siste was diagnosed with metastatic melanoma. After a brutal biologic=chemotherapy, the tumor was dead. Now just 3 months later the cancer is back on her ribs and in her shoulder. The treatment is a trial immunolic and I am hopeful but after following Leroy's travails, I do not see a happy ending to this story.

All the same, as we all stand up strong against the big C, I remain hopeful and send us all positive thoughts. But most of all I thank Leroy and now Laurie for mainting this community where we can all come to share our hopes, our fears and our griefs.

Pat in Fairfax

Sent by Patricia Friend | 6:45 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Dear Laurie,

I have been reading your e-mails this week and am so familiar with what you are going through. I have been "wordless" this week as your Blogs: have put me in a 3rd dimension of "Blog listening" then reflection, meditation and prayer from "The Leroy of My Dreams", to the laments of "Stopped in my Tracks" and "Scars of Cancer" to you deeply moving and sweetly gentle appeal to be lifted up a little longer. "Listening" to you with my heart open, reflecting and meditating on my own experience strength and hope and then praying about how best to help -- respond- if at all. So here I am with this last elegy for the death of your old life and a window on the new.

I know how difficult the aftermath of life-giving can be: amidst the numbness at first, through the encroaching pain/sadness/suffering/lonelyness and still things to take care of; trappings of the battle with cancer to return or dispose of somehow - hospital beds, walkers, bed pans etc, obituaries, services, remembrances to do or carry out: Then when you feel like collapsing-the personal things/ belongings of Leroy like the photos loom large and await the proper time to be faced. TO BE FACED: maybe the first blessing, everything to be faced one item, one moment at a time when and if necessary. Then the grief comes and settles in like a good friend to sit with you for a while coming and going in waves.

This may sound crazy but I know from my experience Laurie that, like me, you may in time come to see your fiercely devoted life-giving as the greatest achievement of your life. Your fierce, steadfast dedication to caring for Leroy: holding him up, maintaining his dignity, enabling him to still express his love for life and creativity while all the time enduring the onslaught of cancer attacking his body. We all have benefited immensely from your selfless love and dedication to Leroy. This is the greatest and humblest of accomplishments, you will see. I used to be a very ambitious person in the material world. I left all that behind to care for my father. Intimately caring for him through his horrible death from lung cancer to this day is atill the most profound and important accomplishment of my life and this was 11 years ago now. I found out just what I was made of by loosing myself in caring for my dad over the eight months of his death. During that time I carried him and my family through the most horrific of circumstances imaginable. But this experience set the stage for the rest of my life. Since then I have faced these circumstances a half dozen times with others I have loved. But caring for my dad was the first. I liken it to running a marathon (which I have done a number of times). It is seemingly endless. Just when you think you can go no further you hit the 'Wall' and still four more miles to go! It seems impossible to get through it. But like with my dad once the job was over there was a sense of immense clarity and peace as if a hurricane had blown through my life and stretched my soul.

This is a difficult time to say the least but the process of grieving in time, if you let it, will transform you into a new person, as you already said: It is "A New World". You will live in a new internal existence where everything is enlarged and feels different. You will "see" things differently Leroy will be with you but the relationship will take on a whole new dimension. He will be like a friend sitting on your shoulder.

Don't get me wrong none of this is "fun" now. I know. The waves of grief can come upon you at the most inopportune moments and literally take the wind out of you. Also, western society doesn't exactly value the 'great accomplishment' you have achieved. In fact it is often denigrated and criticized..."such thankless dirty work should be left to institutions and professionals" I was told by one doctor who critiaized me after my father's death for being such a relentless advocate on my father's behalf...Laurie Your humility and selfless dedication to Leroy are the two most beautiful and endearing personality traits but fly in the face of what is promoted in our self centered society: the all important advancement of ones' individual desires and accomplishments. The key always is to listen to your heart: It will always tells you the truth.

So time takes time. The road ahead was a long one for me. I often looked to nature, physical exercise, my creative pursuits, and a few close friends for solace and healing.

Reading helped me allot too.

I often returned for comfort to the words of Wendell Berry in the last chapter of his novel "A World Lost". I read these words from this chapter as I eulogized my father at his funeral:

"However we may miss and mourn the dead, we really give little deference to death."Death," a friend of mine said as he approached it himself, "is a convention...not binding upon anyone but the keepers of graveyard records." The dead remain in thought as much alive as they ever were, and yet increased in stature and grown remarkably near. The older I have got and the better acquainted among the dead, the plainer it has become to me that I live in the company of immortals...I live in their love, and I know something of the cost. Sometimes in the darkness of my own shadow I know that I could not see at all were it not for this old injury of love and grief, this little flickering lamp that I have watched beside for all these years... That light can come into this world only as love, and love can enter only by suffering. Not enough light has ever reached us here among the shadows, and yet I think it has never been entirely absent."

Laurie, your scars are only the injury of love. And that love produced a light that Leroy and all of us were bathed in thanks to you. May it eventually light a new path for you out of your darkness and show you that you and Leroy won the battle and lost absolutely nothing. Believe me it will, it will. I wish you all light and love as your life moves forward. And I will think of the words from everyone here who have dared to share themselves. Godspeed to you all. As always with love Graham from Sag Harbor.

Sent by Graham G. Hawks | 6:57 PM ET | 08-22-2008

I learned a beautiful lesson in a general undergraduate physics class. Energy is neither created nor destroyed but converted from one form to another. To me, that is so comforting.

Pictures can bring remind us of beautiful or funny or inspirational times in our lives. But other things, too.

Cherry pipe tobacco always reminds me of a loved one who's been gone for several years now. And it reminds me, that his energy is still here. And I smile.

Wishing you very warm memories!

Sent by Hillary | 7:02 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Just found the site.... Living with cancer is not the best choice of life but a part of life for some of us good is every where... but only if you see it and accept it.. Except everyday as it is and try to leave something better each day than you found it.... Throat Cancer.... not happy about it but accept it and will do better tomorrow than today God Bless all

Sent by Newt Rowland | 7:03 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Dear Laurie,

I hope you will see Leroy in your dreams. Thank you for your wonderful post.

Sent by Mary C. | 7:04 PM ET | 08-22-2008

As I watched ABC News tonight and heard about Leroy's blog, I could not help but come here and add my thoughts. About four years ago my dad died of prostate cancer. He was a very brave man. He did not complain at all. When the doctors told him the last agressive treatment was not working he still remained the same. Even when Hospice was called in my dad was always himself. The doctors told us two days after he entered hospice that he had a broken spinal bone in his lower back. Oh, how he must have been in soooo much pain! After hearing some of the words from Leroy's blog regarding pain, I could not help but shed tears for my heroic dad. I always knew daddy was a strong man, but this story confirms it for me. I wish Leroy's family well. He has left a legacy for millions of people. His wife and family now has a nation of friends. May God bless you all.

Sent by peggy | 7:05 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie

It has been hard for me to write since I heard of Leroy's passing....it brought up so many memories of other losses for me, that I couldn't see the keyboard thru the tears. Just be assured there are lots of folks out there, that if they could would wrap you in our arms and try to comfort you...

Patricia

Sent by Patricia lobenberg | 7:06 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Just saw that Leroy was selected as ABC's Person of the Week. They couldn't have selected a better person. We miss you Leroy.
Laurie, love and prayers to you.

Sent by Jen | 7:08 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Mrs. Sievers -- I would like to extend my sincere sympathy to you and your family. I lost my mother in December from a ruthless and swift cancer. She died four months after diagnosis and being told that she would be fine. My heart goes out to you for your loss and for what you and your family have been through. Until you have been through this with a family member, youcannot understand cancer. My prayers are with you. Sharon

Sent by Sharon Rockefeller | 7:09 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie,
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you (to both of you) for sharing in this difficult journey. The blog is a special gift Leroy gave to so many people who are struggling to cope in one way or another with cancer. Lifting you up and hoping you can find peace and joy in your memories of the good times.

Sent by Dodi | 7:10 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie - your words reached the core of me and I grieve for you and all lost loved ones. This is the price we pay to have the privledge of loving another soul. Leroy WILL visit you in your dreams and it will be a precious gift.

Sent by michelina | 7:10 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Death is a heartache noone can heal
Love is memory no one can steal.

Sent by Darlene Carper | 7:14 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie, Thank you for the continued posts. I saw that Leroy was Person of the Week on ABC News tonight. I cried.
My daughter asked me who that man was on TV. I said, "Leroy. He helped me get through my cancer." She asked where he was. I said, "Heaven."

Sent by Beth Carter | 7:14 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Dear Laurie, I was sorry to hear of Leroy's passing and remembered how I felt when my own husband lost his battle with Cancer this past January. I still have extremely hard days because I have the same type of memories you do. I cherish all of them and I talk to my husband every day. He was cremated and is a beautiful horse statue in our home. Just take it one day at a time, cry when you feel the urge and laugh at the funny memories. Take strength from all that offer it as you will need it some days more than others. When you feel lost or sad, close your eyes, take a deep breath and just remember the strength of his arms around you because you were a dynamic duo. For now just share your wonderful memories and take one day at a time for you. Life will fall into place as you go. I still smile each time I look at my husband's picture. God Bless You and I wish you inner peace. It will come slowly, but it will come.

Sent by Terry Southard | 7:16 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie,
I just heard of your husband's blog tonight on ABC News. I'm so sorry for your recent loss. My husband is also suffering as we speak from the return of his colon cancer to his liver, lungs, and lymph nodes. The most heartbreaking part is that he will not allow me to be a part of his life during his struggle. I don't know how to reconcile this and I am in daily pain about not being there with him. I took care of him all last year through multiple surgeries, chemo, radiation, and numerous doctors appointments and ER visits. We were only married for 1 month when we found out he had stage IV colorectal cancer. He is only 48 and already on heavy pain medication. It's only been 20 months since the initial diagonosis. He has pushed me away ever since and we finally separated this past January (not my choice). I know the pain you felt watching someone you love suffer. I still love my husband and want to be with him and care for him so badly. I think men handle their pain so differently. Reading your blog, I see what he is facing. It's so painful to see, but I would be able to let go much easier if I were a part of the process. As of now, I am 300 miles away and my husband does not even allow people to tell me how he is. I pray I will be able to let go some day when I get the "call." For now, I'm totally dependent on God for peace. God bless you. Your husband's blog helps so much.

Sent by Rhonda Cornish | 7:24 PM ET | 08-22-2008

I cried for the first time tonight as I watched ABC national news. Leroy was the Person of the Week. In another world, this is something you could be happy with. But when the person is gone, does it mean anything that he is (was) person of the week. I am keeping you and him in my prayers and thoughts.

Sent by Helene Weingarten | 7:26 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Dear Laurie,
My Mother passed in my arms with her beloved Spouce Blaine on one side and I on the other. She had a long battle with breast cancer, and, upon second go round (after 11 years in remission), opted, "no more chemo"..... I thought I was the one going to die.....my world was over. I sure learned to grow up fast. I was taught by the patient how to respid a loved one who was battling a cancer beast.

I am so grateful for your wonderful contributions to humanity, to your beloved Leroy and to a future you shall carry on for him and for your family and for your self. My life was given definition by the hospice experience. I am sure you are exhausted. Now is your time to rest and to decompress.
You have given a huge part of yourself in being brave, loving and a generous caretaker. I had to learn to allow my Mother to maintain her power, her dignity, and her legacy. Leroy has made a glorious fingerprint upon the universe. You have many blessings coming your way. I cannot wait for the time when all of their spiritual energy is united, and reunited with ours! They are so much a part of our all being. Time for you to cry, sleep, get mad, get sad, realize the shock factor, embrace the "now what?".....and, then....after all of this it will be time to .go outside just before dawn and listen to the birds waking up the world. Know that I will be smiling and thinking of you, so will Leroy and my mother Deborah, God and all those who've gone before us. Thank you, my heart to you all
Helen A. Cummings Gallatin, Tennessee

Sent by Helen A. Cummings | 7:26 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie..I read your entry and then I try to read some of the posts...but funny thing..I cant focus through the tears in my eyes. Thanks for sharing...and thanks to all those who post...such caring. Wow! if we could bottle and patent this .... we would have world peace. I think Leroy would like that
peace

Sent by Terry | 7:27 PM ET | 08-22-2008

JUST YESTERDAY I LEARNED THAT A DEAR FRIEND HAD BEEN MOVED TO THE LOCAL HOSPICE HOUSE HERE IN FOREST CITY, NORTH CAROLINA. EVERYDAY WE NEED TO LOOK AROUND AND SEE THOSE WHO ARE SO MUCH LESS FORTUNATE - NOT JUST THOSE WHO HAVE NO FUNDS, BUT THOSE WHO ARE BATTLING THE JOURNEY OF CANCER. MY HUSBAND HAD A DIAGNOSIS OF PROSTATE CANCER IN 2001; WE WERE FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO GET AN APPOINTMENT AT JOHNS HOPKINS AND DR. ALAN PARTIN PERFORMED HIS SURGERY. THAT FALL THEY ASK ME TO SPEAK AT THE LOCAL RELAY FOR LIFE RALLY ABOUT THE FEELINGS WE HAD ABOUT THE DIAGNOSIS. WE WERE SO FORTUNATE BECAUSE HIS WAS OPERABLE AND LOCALIZED WITHIN THE PROSTATE. I TOLD THEM THAT NIGHT THAT WE WERE NOT THE HEROES; THE HEROES ARE THOSE WHO HAVE LIVED WITH THIS DIAGNOSIS FOR YEARS - FIGHTING EVERY DAY FOR SOME QUALITY OF LIFE AND LOOKING FOR THE SILVER LINING INSTEAD OF HIDING AND GOING IT ALONE. YOU ARE OUR HEROES - YOU AND LEROY HAVE FOUGHT EACH AND EVERY DAY FOR LEVITY, SANITY, AND A WONDERFUL, HONEST OUTLOOK ON LIFE WHILE MANY OF US HAVE WORRIED ABOUT THE MUNDANE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR EFFORTS TO EDUCATE AND KEEP US IN THE WORLD OF REALITY.

Sent by BECKY HEATH | 7:31 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie:

I heard of this post tonight from Charles on ABC News. I am so terribly sorry..I love my husband so very much and how you must hurt and how lost you must feel. I came here because your husband, who with his words, is Professor Leroy to me. "1 2 3 Lift" will the name of your book of course and you can write it right now while it is fresh for you. At least the start of it. For it not the end but the beginning of your next life. You 1 2 3 lifted me. I write for another...a 58 year old Mom. Smart, civic leader, school board member, coach and still raising one lovely brilliant 17 year old. Praying that the breast cancer which is in her brain and please God, let the bone scan of today be negative. Praying that those cancers will not prevent her from speaking at her dear daughters (my step daugter) High School graduation this next Spring. I am lifted by the valiant brilliant words of your wonderful Leroy. Peace be with your family and thank you to Leroy.

Sent by Linda Kenley | 7:33 PM ET | 08-22-2008

I just saw that Leroy has passed away. I very much enjoyed listening to him on NPR. He struck me as a the picture of grace, courage, tenacity, and character. I am so sorry for your loss, and will remember in prayer not only you and your family, but all of Leroy's online "family" and those who face the daily struggle with cancer. May God give you peace, as He has finally given Leroy. Renee Agee, Tuscaloosa, Alabama

Sent by Renee Agee | 7:52 PM ET | 08-22-2008

I never heard of Leroy Sievers. He was only an adjunct to my friend Bob's cancer blog. Bob went on ahead, to set up camp for Leroy--they're probably fly fishing now... But after Bob left, I began to cling to Leroy as a piece of my own friend--and I met this wonderful man, your husband. Life is SO short, and you and Leroy (and Bob) are SO brave to have shared THAT with the world. WOULD that everyone knew how short it is.

Sent by joy | 8:06 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie- we were so sorry to hear the news - brings it really close to home -but we want to thank you for sharing -and for sharing Leroy with us - He gave us courage, helped us get in touch with our anger, and most import gave us laughter and hope - God Bless you

Sent by miriam willan | 8:11 PM ET | 08-22-2008

I am terribly sorry for your loss. My grandmother passed away in March of breast cancer. She was a wonderful woman and a blessing to have known. Leroy sounds like the same special type of person. May the good Lord hold you in His loving embrace during this time of trial.

God Bless,

Lyn

Sent by Lyn Kelly | 8:12 PM ET | 08-22-2008

I have been touched by LeRoys' courage. He stood strong to the end 'face to face' with the monster. I remember the same feelings in my own fight against the beast when i was 6 years old in 1959. I just wrote a book about my battles 'Hello Cancer...Remember Me?' It has been 50 years since that war and I have lived a good and normal life. The battle took my vocal chords and I am reminded of the fight every day. Jimmy V. said "Never Give Up" and Leroy was courageous to the end. God is presenting him with his Gold Medal now, I am sure!!

Sent by Paul Streble | 8:19 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Dear Laurie:
As a recently diagnosed cancer patient myself, I have read Leroy's and your blog with great interest and appreciation. You can't imagine how much you folks have helped others as we go down the cancer journey - Thank You for opening up your lives to us and sharing Leroy with us!

Sent by Steve M | 8:26 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Your note today made me smile... Thanks so much for sharing those precious thoughts. I first became a Leroy fan while he was at "Nightline" and looked forward to his daily e-mail. I had archived some of his notes and I've found myself going back to re-read those. I've also read everything that I could possibly link to to learn all that I could about Leroy. I loved Ted Koppel's "Nightline" tribute to him and particularly liked his story about Leroy's 44th birthday. That's such a great picture. Then today, he's ABC's "Person of the Week". What a man! I just wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts and I'll continue to keep you in my prayers.

Sent by Rebecca Weber (Little Rock, AR) | 8:35 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie
I think the MY CANCER blog as a book is a great idea....thanks for continuing to write and share so selflessly.....I think the idea of an "Our Cancer" blog is good too.......with different views of patients, caregivers and all those affected by the "beast"

thanks for sharing the memories about your photos, those images of Gumby and Dolly certainly do uphold Leroys legendary reputation LOL ;))))

1,2,3, LIFT
prayers and love to you

Sent by pam in WI | 8:42 PM ET | 08-22-2008

I just watched Charlie Gibson's piece on Leroy as "person of the week" and I have to admit I cried. I never knew Leroy, but I miss him. I miss his presence. I can only imagine how much you are missing him Laurie. I'll keep you in my thoughts through the weekend. Don't be afraid to come here this weekend. We'll be here for you.

Sent by roni | 8:58 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Dear Laurie,
I was out of town and having trouble getting my laptop to work with the hotels wi-fi, so ended up days behind in reading the blog. Then I got on, and felt as if I had fallen and lost all breath by the news of Leroy's passing. Know that you are both held close to many of us day in and out.
I stumbled upon this blog a couple years ago and 'bam' was hooked - the only blog that has kept my attention as time has passed.
Thank you for being real and open. Some of us walk in your shoes, those of Leroy's, and/or of family members or friends. My heart, thoughts and prayers go out to you. Continue to celebrate Leroy's life and thank you, thank you for sharing the musings, poems, and stories. They bring both laughter and tears - just as Leroy's words did.

Sent by Brenda White | 8:58 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie - I really enjoyed Leroy's posts. It has been quite comforting. I know how hard it is watch a loved one battle such a terrible disease. My mom is about to lose her own battle with pancreatic cancer. Leroy has made a huge difference in my life. Thank you.

Sent by Kristen | 9:00 PM ET | 08-22-2008

REST IN PEACE MR. SIEVERS. YOUR JOB IS DONE HERE. NOE IT IS TIME TO RELAX. SAY HELLO TO MY 7 YEAR DAUGHTER I LOST TO LEUKEMIA TONI VALES. WE ARE HERE FOR A PURPOSE AND WHEN THAT JOB IS DONE WE MOVE ON. GOD BLESS YOU AND FLY WITH THE ANGELS.

Sent by ERIN VALES | 9:09 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Keep writing.You are helping as many people as Leroy.Grief is another taboo topic people turn away from.Loved your stories!Pearls do matter with a navy suit.Keep warm.

Sent by suebee | 9:37 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie,
You are a tough cookie for being able to go through pictures and share funny memories of Leroy with all of us. Thank you for doing it and I hope it helps you as much as it helps others.

Sent by Cristina Leonard | 10:00 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Hi Laurie,
I admire your resolve in including each of us in your daily life. Photos are a wonderful memory tool; enjoy all the happy times you had together. We love sharing those thoughts with you.

Sent by Dee | 10:00 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Dear All--I just learned of this amazing blog tonight watching ABC News with Charles Gibson. I sit here and read the posts and only wish that I had known about Leroy sooner. I, like many readers, am a cancer patient--peritoneal mesothelioma--since February 2001. My son keeps encouraging me to write--blog, journal, anything--to leave my thoughts behind. I guess I try to focus on the good and use my time to help others with cancer get better care and survive like I am surviving, against the odds. After reading Leroy's blog, I am so motivated. I am going to write my first entry and append it here. My heart goes out to Leroy's family and friends. I have lost many friends and family to cancer and it is never easy. I hope my post inspires people to fight--Here goes:

No Time For Cancer...
by Dr. Suellen Crano
As I lay in the recovery room of USC Norris Cancer Center on February 7, 2001, I had no idea how my life was going to change. I was 44 and "healthy." I had skied with my 17 year old two weeks before and kept up! Suddenly, the recovery room door flung open and my son, eyes tearful, looked at me, and then I knew--I had cancer and it did not look good. I said, "It's cancer?" He said, "Worse--terminal."

So I learned that we are all "terminal" -- it's just a matter of time. And that if you have no time for cancer, it might not kill you so fast. My diagnosis was mesothelioma--asbestos cancer. My prognosis was an average of 18 months.

Lessons learned--

Medicine is not an exact science and is open to interpretation. Here I am 90 months later--alive and kicking.

"Average" is not an exact science as well and must be interpreted as well. If 18 months is the average, there are those who will live 18 days and those who could live 18 years.

The mind is a powerful tool. I have watched folks with cancer fight and live and others give up and die.

So--knowing what I know and have learned, I spend my time living. Really living. The small stuff that we all fret over has no place for someone whose days are numbered--that means all of us. We have to prioritize, put battles in their right places, and do what we want and need to do.

I spend my time making up for the time I spent doing the unnecessary and the ordinary. I take care of cancer patients, those who do not have the ability to manage the system themselves.

I love life.

Sent by Suellen Crano | 10:06 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie,I am sorry that Leroy is gone. Thank you and Leroy for sharing your thoughts feelings and dreams. I lost Voni this spring the second of may four days into hospice care,twenty-two months after being diagnosed with carcinoma of an unknown primary-pancreas-lymphoma?. He was 58 years old.Voni and I anxiously waited to read Leroy's blog, it continues to bring me comfort. Continue to dream beautyfull dreams. My prayers and condolences.

Sent by MaryAnn G. Vasquez | 10:15 PM ET | 08-22-2008

He sounds fun! I think it was so giving of him to share his cancer experience. I often think of his post about a dog named Spanky.
Now Leroy may be enjoying life in a way we can only dream of.
Lifting and praying for you!

Sent by Kelley Jackson | 10:28 PM ET | 08-22-2008

Laurie,
To me your post says so much. My husband and I are still out in the "outer banks" of cancer. That waiting and watching time. Scans and treatments on and off. You know.
Your posts says so much more to me. Thank you for your honesty. I can see how hard this all can be, will be.
Be strong, but not too strong. It has been a very long, hard road for you too. Rest for a while now my friend.