A Living Memorial

Two of our most cherished friends have a mountain home in Austria. It has always been a place for them to go to get away from the stress and turbulence of the world. This wonderful couple traveled with Leroy, capturing pictures and sound as they covered wars and events together that changed the world.

When it was Leroy's world that changed, the travel stopped but the friendship remained strong. They kept track of the cancer by reading the blog. When Leroy's words worried them, a phone call or a hug via email was a sure bet.

They left their beloved mountain home to say a final good-bye to their friend a couple of weeks ago at the Discovery headquarters event. And when they got back to the mountain, they went in search of one last tribute ... a living memorial.

Now, planted in healthy soil, in a place where the sun will nurture it, is an American Red Oak. Its trunk is strong and straight. Its leaves will turn golden and red in the Fall, just like the oaks on our favorite canal path.

It will grow up to Leroy's size. In tree feet, that could be as high as 100 feet tall. We're calling it the "Leroy tree."

It's the luckiest tree on earth.

7:00 AM ET | 09-30-2008 | permalink

comments () | | e-mail

When Comfort Food Isn't Comforting

The butter is out to soften. I've got plenty of chocolate chips and pecans. I'm getting ready to make cookies.

Not just any recipe. This was one of Leroy's favorites. He affectionately called them "fat bombs," because of the butter and ample amounts of powdered sugar that went into each one. Of course, that didn't stop him from eating them. In fact, we used to laugh about how they would mysteriously disappear.

I always made a point of having lots of treats in our house, especially once cancer came to live here. What is it about comfort foods that make it all better, even when you have cancer?

Once Leroy's neuropathy increased in his legs, he would love a good foot rub. It relaxed him and took the tingling away. I would do that for as long as my hands would hold up. It just made his days and nights easier.

Now, all the cookies go to friends. And how I miss those size 13's.

The comfort food doesn't bring much comfort these days.

-- Laurie

7:34 AM ET | 09-29-2008 | permalink

comments () | | e-mail

Healing The Giant Wound

It's this grieving stuff that's got me confused. There aren't really any rules. Granted, there's actually a book called "Grieving for Dummies." But for me that just adds insult to injury.

There are a lot of experts who can tell you how you're supposed to feel. There are groups you can join, bereavement sessions where everyone can speak about their individual pain. If you're not a "joiner," those seem a little odd.

For me, grieving is an attack on my soul, my core.

I look at it this way. It's a giant wound right now. And it's covered with a very big bandage.

As time goes on, those bandages will get smaller, until I'm left with a scar.

That scar will last my lifetime.

-- Laurie

7:00 AM ET | 09-26-2008 | permalink

comments () | | e-mail

Battling What's Left Of The Beast

I'm not finished dealing with Leroy's cancer. Not even close.

He was strong enough to stare it down. Put it in its place. It was a tug of war and eventually it got to places that even Leroy couldn't control.

But I'm not finished with it yet.

Losing Leroy has made me feel a sadness like I've never felt before. There are times in the day when something I can't describe grips me inside and takes my breath away.

It's his cancer. Or what is left behind as a result of his cancer.

So now it's up to me to take my cue from Leroy. Grab that beast by its throat. Step on it and grind it into the dirt. If it rises up ... do it again.

It's caused enough pain. We've all felt the pain. If we do this together, the hurt can heal.

And we send the beast somewhere ... "where the sun don't shine!"

-- Laurie

7:00 AM ET | 09-25-2008 | permalink

comments () | | e-mail

What The Reminders Don't Say

I found a pile of pharmacy bags in the pantry. Some date back to 2006.

Going through them, I realize I have a big piece of Leroy's cancer treatment in empty bags. They held the chemo pills, the pills that kept the nausea down, the pills for pain, the antibiotics.

Lots of little bags to fight the beast. Put them in order and bind them together and it's a "how-to" guide through metastatic colon cancer.

But what those little bags didn't hold was the courage and the strength and even the humor Leroy had, to push back against the cancer.

No bag was big enough. Those things came from his heart.

-- Laurie

7:00 AM ET | 09-24-2008 | permalink

comments () | | e-mail

Living Independently

I've always thought of myself as a fairly independent person, able to make the right choices. As a television producer, the tools of the trade include going places and getting things done. It's all about the details and lining up the elements of the story and making decisions, independently.

Sounds like life, doesn't it?

If you're lucky enough, you work as a team. You have your correspondent and your camera crew, and it's a collaborative effort.

Still sounds like life, doesn't it?

Except in life, you work with your partner, your spouse, to make up that team. Leroy and I were a team. We both used our independence in our jobs to do good TV work. But in life, we came together to fight like hell against his cancer, among other things.

Now, I have no choice but to use that independence every single day to help me make life decisions alone.

I'd much prefer to be a team player.

I miss my team captain.

-- Laurie

8:12 AM ET | 09-23-2008 | permalink

comments () | | e-mail

The New Season

'Tis the season ... or I should say, 'tis the NEW season. Appointment TV begins tonight. There have been a few new shows that have already premiered, but for most of us, our favorites begin their new season this week.

Leroy and I would watch our cable favorites while the networks filled the schedule with reality TV during the summer. We just weren't into the reality stuff.

No, the Food Network made up prime time viewing, and in the dark hours, "The Departed" and "Gladiator" helped chase away the pain of cancer until Leroy would finally fall asleep for a few hours.

He was looking forward to watching the final season of "Boston Legal." I really had him hooked on "Entourage." We talked character development, story lines, and the direction the shows were going.

I'm going to try and watch. But not having him here to share it all might be more than I'm ready to take on.

So maybe TIVO is the answer. Recording the new episodes, because the new
season might be a little too new for me, right now.

-- Laurie

7:00 AM ET | 09-22-2008 | permalink

comments () | | e-mail

Raising A Burger In Honor Of Leroy

It's Friday. It's been a tough week of remembering, reflecting, and rediscovering Leroy after his life's celebration on Sunday.

So let's declare today burger day!

So many of Leroy's friends have called this week to say, in his honor, or in his memory, they were having the biggest, juiciest burger they could find.

A dear old friend took her entire family to a place called Five Guys here in Maryland. Leroy loved their double cheeseburgers.

I got a call yesterday from close friends who were driving on the freeway in Southern California. That meant they were in IN-N-Out country ... and yes, they were planning on raising a "double-double" in memory of the big guy.

So many wonderful contributions have been made to Leroy's fund at Johns Hopkins, and to other worthy charities.

But sometimes, all it takes is to eat a great burger and smile. Knowing Leroy would appreciate every last bite.

-- Laurie

7:00 AM ET | 09-19-2008 | permalink

comments () | | e-mail

Following An Endless Summer

The season is beginning to change. It's funny how September 15th is a marker for fall. It can be in the 90's on the 14th, but on the 15th, it seems like something goes click and the days get cooler and the night air begs for a sweater and even long pants. Those dreaded long pants.

Being Southern California kids, Leroy and I never wanted to see summer fade. Giving up our shorts meant giving in to the weather gods.

Saying good-bye to summer this year means more than just folding up those shorts. It was our last season together.

I feel the need to follow the sun.

To have an endless summer.

-- Laurie

7:00 AM ET | 09-18-2008 | permalink

comments () | | e-mail

Video: Leroy's Celebration Of Life

Friends and family celebrated Leroy's life in Silver Spring, Md. on Sunday, Sept. 14. This is video of the event.

12:50 PM ET | 09-17-2008 | permalink

comments () | | e-mail

Eating Ice Cream Alone

It's impossible to believe that Leroy's been gone a month. How can that be? Wasn't it just August 15th?

I still see him in his chair. See us eating ice cream and watching the Food Network.

Then I start to think about how many families down the road, or around the corner, or across town are going through the same thing I'm going through.

Their loved one had fought the good fight against cancer and now is gone.

It's pretty likely that there's a woman in one of those houses eating ice cream alone tonight. And when she turns out the lights to go to sleep, she will miss her loved one just like I miss Leroy.

And when she wakes up in the morning, for a split second she'll think her life is OK, then she'll realize it's missing the one piece that made her whole.

I know exactly how she feels.

-- Laurie

7:00 AM ET | 09-17-2008 | permalink

comments () | | e-mail

Saying Goodbye For Him

It was a day filled with memories. Not the memories that have flooded my mind this past month. The Leroy and Laurie stories that replay in my head daily.

No, these were new memories of old times, told by Leroy's friends and family members at Sunday's life-celebration.

The room was packed. Standing room only. It seemed each person there had a Leroy story, or two or three. They just had to share them. Some, even I hadn't heard before.

I'm sure some of the stories grew in the telling, but that's OK, because it was all in the spirit of the day. A day devoted to Leroy.

He always wondered how he would ever find the words or the time to say good-bye to all these friends. In the end, it turned out he never had to say a word.

They all said it for him.

-- Laurie

7:00 AM ET | 09-16-2008 | permalink

comments () | | e-mail

He Lives Through Us All

I will admit, today my mind is spinning.

The farewell to Leroy at the Discovery Headquarters yesterday was overwhelming. Friends from across the globe came to honor him
and pay tribute to him. It was a day full of love and respect for this amazing man.

I hope most of you were able to listen to it here because you all are so much a part of Leroy's "family."

His words, his actions, have guided so many. It's important to remember the message.

He needs to live through us all.

-- Laurie

7:00 AM ET | 09-15-2008 | permalink

comments () | | e-mail

Live: A Celebration Of Life

Friends and family celebrated Leroy's life in Silver Spring, Md., on Sunday. We also invited you guys to a live chat while it happened. What follows are archived versions of the audio and chat. You can also download the audio by following the link above.

10:40 AM ET | 09-14-2008 | permalink

comments () | | e-mail

Leroy's Celebration Of Life

Hi Friends,

This Sunday, Sept. 14, a small group of Leroy's friends and family are gathering for a celebration of his life. Space is very limited and it's an invitation-only event, so we're opening up the celebration online. We will have a live audio stream of the event from 2 p.m. to 3:30 p.m. EST. A chat room will also be open so you can share memories and have a conversation.

All of it will be posted right here Sunday afternoon. We hope to see you then!

UPDATE: Yes, we will also post an archived version of the event for those of you who can't listen in live.

-- Eyder Peralta

9:00 AM ET | 09-12-2008 | permalink

comments () | | e-mail

Living And Hope And Memories

We've talked a lot this week about "living." How important it is, to keep living!

In the "living with cancer" world, to live means to keep hope alive. I know it sounds strange, but Leroy always had hope, even though he knew his cancer was stalking him. He pushed every day to beat those odds.

And he was always energized by the visits from his gang of unbelievably loyal friends. NO one had better friends.

Now ... they have turned their attention toward me and I can't tell you how good that feels. They let me vent, and they let me cry, and then we tell Leroy stories. Stories that put the "Big Guy" back in his big leather chair.

Still living, in our memories.

-- Laurie

8:14 AM ET | 09-12-2008 | permalink

comments () | | e-mail

'Live, Love, Laugh'

I found a card I'd given to Leroy a few months ago. I'd do that every now and then, and leave it for him to discover on his pillow or by the sink. It was an old habit from the days when he traveled. I'd write notes and stick them in his socks, so he'd find them if he was in the middle of covering a war or whatever.

Anyway, this card said, "Live, Love, Laugh." And inside, it said, "In no
particular order."

We really tried to do that. It really helped to keep the cancer in its
place.

Today, September 11th, is a day I would like to forward that thought to everyone who is remembering a loved one or friend touched by those events of the day, seven years ago.

I hope that they are able to Live, Love and Laugh again.

-- Laurie

7:00 AM ET | 09-11-2008 | permalink

comments () | | e-mail

The Importance Of Living

How time does fly. Seven years ago, our cancer journey began.

Leroy was just home from the hospital. He'd decided to have a routine colonoscopy. I remember, like it was yesterday, sitting down in the waiting room. Reading my magazine. Waiting and watching as the doctors and nurses would walk out and say, "Everything was fine, go get your car, he'll be a little drowsy for the rest of the day."

I was one of the last "drivers" waiting. But the nurse didn't have those words for me. Instead, she stood in the doorway, and when I saw that look in her eyes, I stood up and walked toward her.

"You need to come back to see the doctor and Leroy," she said.

Through his blurry eyes, Leroy looked up at me and said, "We've got a problem."

A few weeks later, major surgery. A colon resection. And the fight was on.

We stepped on the cancer merry-go-round and learned about a new world full of chemo and pills and surgeries, not to mention a whole new vocabulary. Cancer speak.

But as I think back over those years, I remember when we were "clean." NED.
Our life was good. We did fun things. We worked hard. Had a lot of adventures.

And when the beast returned, we still had some good months.

Our life changed because we were focused on living each day to the max. For as long as we could.

It's important to LIVE. Leroy LIVED.

I need to remind myself of that every day now.

Because time does fly.

-- Laurie

7:12 AM ET | 09-10-2008 | permalink

comments () | | e-mail

Before or After Cancer, Life Is Never The Same

How do you handle the "missing part?"

I know everyone tells me that eventually I'll fill up the days with my old routine. Something like I used to have, BC. I can't even remember life, BC.

Remember the line Leroy wrote when this blog first began? When the doctor looked at him and said, "You have cancer."

Leroy wrote, "After that day, your life is never the same."

Take that line to the next step. To the loved ones, who find themselves suddenly left behind. The same holds true for the thought that follows: "After the day that life ends, our lives are never the same."

But it's the "missing part" that's the worst. I just MISS him so much.

That old routine will have to wait.

-- Laurie

7:00 AM ET | 09- 9-2008 | permalink

comments () | | e-mail

Seasons Are Not The Same

It's the political season. It's the hurricane season. It's the NFL football season.

All seasons that punctuate for me just how much I miss Leroy. We would be talking about and watching all of it.

I can't even imagine, well, actually I can imagine his thoughts about Sarah Palin.

We lived through Hurricane Andrew and covered countless other hurricanes
over the years, so he'd probably be saying, "I'm glad we're not living in South Florida any more."

And Sunday afternoons were always good for a game and a nap on the couch.

The seasons just aren't the same without him.

-- Laurie

7:00 AM ET | 09- 8-2008 | permalink

comments () | | e-mail

Remembering, Without Tears

I made it through an important meeting without tearing-up. That was a big deal, because this meeting was about Leroy and I wanted to have my act together.

More importantly, I wanted to tell Leroy stories in detail and with pride, because after yesterday's phone calls, when he was treated like a number, I wanted these people to "know" about this big life, the big voice, the big laugh.

Taking a few minutes to stop and listen to a story about a man who loved his work and left an impression, a big, size 13 impression, is just as important as doing the paperwork, now that he's gone.

The tears came later.

-- Laurie

7:00 AM ET | 09- 5-2008 | permalink

comments () | | e-mail

The Little Things You Don't Expect

Remember when Leroy wrote about the day when we were told to "get our affairs in order?"

That stacks up there with the day you're told you have cancer. Or, "Take that trip to Maui NOW, and there's not much more in that magic bag we can try."

So we followed the "getting the affairs in order." At least I thought so.

But it's the little stuff they don't tell you about.

The awkward, painful dialing to various places to repeat over and over again that Leroy has died. Some of these places have endless phone prompts to finally get to a real voice. And then that voice asks for numbers and spellings and information that just plain hurts to say over the phone.

He wasn't a number. He wasn't a name.

He was Leroy.

-- Laurie

7:00 AM ET | 09- 4-2008 | permalink

comments () | | e-mail

Saying It In The Living Time

It was a good old '60s love song. The kind that took you back to those last perfect days of summer.

When it was over, the DJ on the radio said, "It's so important to say it in the living-time. So there are no regrets."

The "it" is "I love you."

Say it in the "living time."

How many of us get so wrapped up in the chemo sessions and doctors' appointments and care-giving, that the "I love you's" get lost in the demands of the day?

What I wouldn't do to say that once more to Leroy -- in the "living time."

-- Laurie

7:00 AM ET | 09- 3-2008 | permalink

comments () | | e-mail

Taking Steps Down Memory Lane

I took a few steps back into the world over the weekend. I've been staying very close to home. For some reason, it just felt better here than anywhere else.

But I went to the neighborhood pool where Leroy and I spent many summer days over the years, enjoying good friends, the sunshine, and the water.

I looked around and could picture Leroy reading his book, one leg crossed over the other, wearing his IN-N-OUT ball cap, or talking about the good old days at Cal with one of our pool friends.

Days spent together, just hanging out.

It's not easy taking these steps down memory lane.

-- Laurie

7:00 AM ET | 09- 2-2008 | permalink

comments () | | e-mail