You do move on, but you have to live with a hole in your heart that will always be there. I have found that after the passing of much time, I can be more focused on the happy memories. The hole is still there though. It's a day by day, minute by minute process Laurie. Hang in there.

Sent by Jen | 7:35 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Laurie,
My heart aches for you. There are no books to follow, the aloneness becomes overwhelming and some days your going to want to stay in bed. Its those days, you take the love you shared with Leroy, you remember his words and you get those feet planted on the ground and take a step forward.
You have your family and friends to help you and have all of us behind you! We are here to help Laurie, and we are forever grateful you are here with us.
It is a road no one should ever have to travel alone....ever!
Thank you all for your continued support and love!
Have a blessed weekend! Much love always!

Sent by Laurie Hirth | 7:43 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Unfortunately, grieving is an individual experience. You can't hire someone else to do it for you. They talk about the steps, but everyone's experience is unique. Laurie, you may not seek comfort in this, but you are doing exactly what you need to do right now. Please take care of yourself.

Sent by Laurie Line | 7:44 AM ET | 09-26-2008

A loss of someone is something you never get over. I found the first year you just try to breath in and out. It has been 8 years for me..you learn to live with the grief. That 'knock the wind out of you' feeling gets less and less. You go on and believe it or not you come out the other end. Unfortunatly you are in the breath in and out part....so breath.

Sent by Karen | 7:47 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Grieving is such an individual thing and hence no real guidelines

It sounds to me you are actually less confused than you think....

It will take time and time alone can heal the deep wound into simply a scar............

Still lifting....................

Sent by Ron Bye (NH) | 8:10 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Yes, the scar will stay with you forever. But time makes it easier to cope. You'll move on, but you'll know that you can never forget him or replace him with someone else. And you won't want to. That's OK.

Not being a joiner myself, I can give you this advice: Just keep talking. Talk to anyone who will listen. Get it out. Somehow, putting it into language helps.Twenty months out, I can finally talk about us without crying.

Sent by Bruce | 8:20 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Laurie again you have struck the nail firmly and solidly on the head.

There is not one book that will tell you how to grieve, the appropriate length of time to grieve (if there is any) or when it right to move forward and not. It is another individual experience in a lifetime. What feels right today may not feel right tomorrow or a week from now. Weird things will cause emotions to flood out when you least expect them to or for that fact want them.

It takes time, it will become easier over time, may not ever totally go away, because of memories. It just takes time and fresh wounds bleed easily.

Laurie Hirth, I truly hope your vertigo subsides, you are in my thoughts.

Sent by Sue Chap | 8:31 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Yes, no "how-to's" on grieving, but there are books on grieving to help you understand what's ahead for you, or not. I was a "joiner" and went to grief counseling. It helped me, because I hadn't been in CO very long, traveled all the time, and so had no friends close by. Unfortunately, and fortunately, your grief is unique to you. No one else feels what you feel. Perhaps part of grief is that you will always remember Leroy and have some pain in that remembrance. But the pain lessens and the memories bring more happiness, although sometimes those memories are bittersweet. Laurie, I wish I could shoulder some of your pain for you. The best I can do is tell you that I think of you and Leroy daily, aching for you but also feeling grateful that you both are part of my life.

Off to "dog world" to take care of the little guys who make my world complete.

Sent by Susan in the beautiful mountains of Colorado | 8:41 AM ET | 09-26-2008

That is a very exact description. The wound isn't visible, but it is definitely there. I'm not a joiner either but it is definitely something to consider; there might be some benefit in being with people who are also suffering a loss.
In the meantime, got a 5 mile run today and a 2,000 meter swim; dedicating both to you and sending volumes of sweat and positive energy your way!

Sent by Missy Patterson | 8:52 AM ET | 09-26-2008

I believe that there is no formula, no right way nor wrong way. It is however best to enable you to cope and not be paralyzed by your grief. Yes it is painful maybe even devastating (unable to function)for a period of time but as time passes the pain should not be as intense. It'll be with you for as long as you live but hopefully, the pain you feel will often be replaced by the many memories built with Leroy and they will comfort you and bring you peace.

Blessings and prayers as always.

Sent by Al Cato | 8:55 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Good Gloomy Morning Laurie! Yet, I find myself thinking about the brighter side of Cancer, treatments, grieving, and the entire process to it's ultimite end of what you are going through today,- what is left of a wonderful relationship.
I sat by my husband's side last Tuesday, as he received his very first, of many, Infusions for his newly discovered Bone Cancer. Yes, his Prostate Cancer has metastisized into his bones after Doctors told him for years, "not to worry, You will die of old age before Prostate Cancer kills you!" DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT! To all men I say, have regular Prostate exams and pay attention!!
However, I watched and listened to the small group that was in the Oncology room at our Hospital. How upbeat and friendly they all were! In the short time it took them to give my husband his first treatment, we all became friends and willingly shared our own personal story with each other. What a community this dread disease makes. I thought of Leroy and his daily writings. Lets Get this Blog back to the "Commradie" of this experience and remember Leroy!

Sent by J C R | 9:09 AM ET | 09-26-2008

very well put Laurie!

i like Elisabeth Kubler Ross' way of thinking about grieving. It helped me alot.

Jenn

Sent by jenngie | 9:10 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Laurie,

My husband passed in April. I feel the same as you. I haven't joined groups, because I feel that I have a huge support group in my family and friends if I should need a shoulder or someone to just listen. My husand followed Leroy's blog daily and their treatment was often the same. Now, I follow yours, because I feel both of us are battling grief. Maybe, someday the pain will go away and I too will only have the scar! My thoughts are with you daily.

Sent by Dana | 9:11 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Good morning Laurie
You nailed it--you nailed it perfectly.
That is exactly how it is!
Have a blessed weekend, and 'til we meet again--
Sending love to you today Laurie, Linda

Sent by Linda Lee | 9:14 AM ET | 09-26-2008

I was surprised at the wildness of the feelings of grief. I didn't have that when my parents died. Maybe it was the 14 months of cancer, maybe it was all the other people we knew with cancer who also died. Maybe it was just the sum total of the battles. Anyway it was all too much and it took a lot to quiet myself. Those strong wild feelings of anger and grief are replaced with other feelings now. What took Joe's life was only life changing for me.

Sent by Irene | 9:15 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Oh Laurie, my heart break for your grief and brings back memories of when my dad died in 1992. There are no rules for grieving and no timetable. From my perspective, there also in no "closure." Closure is used in math problems, not life. You learn to live with the loss and the grief becomes bearable.

Today may be a 1-2-3 lift to lift your soul and spirit. Take care today and always.

Sent by Carolyn | 9:15 AM ET | 09-26-2008

I believe you're right. However, the value of joining bereavement groups allows you the chance to TALK about things. It is through talking about things that allows you to get through the process a little quicker. Yes, there will be a scar. You cared deeply about the person you lost. But, sharing the experience with others who may be going through this, at least for me, has helped tremendously.

Sent by Linnea | 9:16 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Hi Laurie, I don't know how many people recommended this book to you or you might have read it already, but just in case. I reread Joan Didion's "The year of magical thinking." Also the other day, I watched Leroy's memorial service and cried out loud. That helped me. You looked strong and full of love for Leroy that day.

Sent by Michelle | 9:31 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Gosh Laurie,
You tell it so real, and it is difficult to find the right place to share your grief.
I guess this blog is about the best place I have found so far, so please keep it open for a while longer. Just keep banging on the keyboard, and help us out here.
May Jesus be with us.

Sent by Donato S. | 9:32 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Laurie, you are so right. Grieving is such a personal thing. But your comments today could not have been more spot on. I know some how we will make it through it but but darn it it sure isn't fun. When you speak of a large bandage and the bandages getting smaller as time goes on I know you are right but somehow I feel like I don't want the bandage to be changed??? Maybe it is just too hard right now to think of moving on. I guess I am just still taking things one day at a time.

Laurie, thank you so much for being here with us. I know it is not an easy time for you. I hope you will have a good week end. Will look forward to hearing from you on Monday.

Lifting!!!!!!!!!!!

Sent by dorothy from Oregon | 9:38 AM ET | 09-26-2008

In the year since my wife died I have learned that everyone is very different. I tend to bristle at "rules and timeframes" people put on because they never seem right for me. Everything from when you clean out stuff (I'm much slower than the rule) to starting to see other people (I was faster than the rule).
I wish people would understand that how you work your way through the grieving process is not a reflection on how you felt about your lost loved one. Every person is different and deals with a catastrophic lost best in their own way.

Sent by Steve | 9:39 AM ET | 09-26-2008

You are soooooo right!!!

Sent by Michelle Hunt | 9:40 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Dear Laurie,
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. You are dealing with your feelings and that has to help. Keeping you in my prayers.
Charlotte in Rural Ridge, PA

Sent by Charlotte Kewish | 9:50 AM ET | 09-26-2008

JCR-Good to hear from you. Will keep you and your husband in my prayers.

Sent by Jen | 10:04 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Laurie:

I am not a joiner, and it took me almost 13 months before I finally gave in and talked to a grief counselor. Her best advice was to tell my story enough times that it wasn't so hard, but unlike most of my life, I didn't want to talk about all that had happened during treatment to others. Having just that one person to tell, seemed to help. Perhaps finding that one person who will listen over and over would work for you, even if you have to pay them to listen...actually, paying made me feel better because I didn't feel like I was imposing.

I may have already posted this poem I found in a Americana catalog, if so, it is still appropriate for today's blog. It did not list an author.

I miss you now more than ever before,
But, I trust that God will open a door,
And show me how to go on without you
To give me some hope and comfort too.

For you were my life and I loved you so dear
And it breaks my heart to not have you here
But life goes on and I will too.
I just wish it wouldn't go on without you.

love always,

Nikki

PS. Laurie Hirth, hope you are feeling better.

Sent by Nikki in Kansas | 10:09 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Dear Laurie,

What words of wisdom YOU have! I am impressed how deep and heart felt they are. I hope you wite a book. It would be a best seller. You have such insight.
.... a hero giving advice to all. That is a gift! One that you and Leroy both shared. Thank you!....Diane in Wisconsin

Sent by Diane | 10:18 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Laurie - I think you are doing great...all things considered. Even realizing the books and support groups aren't your thing is a good thing. I am not a joiner either. I understand completely.

I think the important thing is to identify your feelings, give them a voice, and try to maintain a positive outlook. Knowing there is light at the end of the tunnel is half the battle. Getting there is the hard part. Hang in there, keep providing a voice, and lean on us as much as you need.

I miss Leroy and his wisdom. I also find your postings very thought provoking as well. I haven't given much thought to what my family will experience when the cancer wins and I am gone. I appreciate you sharing such a personal journey with us.

I hope your weekend brings some peace to your heart.

Alexis

Sent by Alexis Redmond | 10:18 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Laurie,

I tried quite a few grief groups-maybe I just never found the right one or maybe I wasn't a joiner. After almost a year of watching Pat's powerpoint presentation of his life that my friend made for the funeral home every day (and crying), I found Leroy's world. This community has been the most healing, wonderful place I could have found.

Leroy and friends helped me see what Pat, not much of a talker, had gone through. And through the kindness and caring, I'm getting better.

No thanks can say all that I feel towards our 'garden'.

Hugs and lifting prayers...

Sent by Kathy Barney from MI | 10:35 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Laurie, even if you aren't a joiner you might want to join a widow/widower's group. Many hospitals host them; there is a good one at Sibley which my mother found helpful. As others have said, it gives you a chance to talk. For me the real benefit was to see how others grieve. There is always someone who is worse off than you are, and you may help LIFT their spirit and find it LIFTING you as well.

Sent by Dianne (DC) | 10:44 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Hi Laurie ..... Seems to me that you are doing it "just right" for "you"!! :o)

In it's own way, I think that THIS group is a bereavement group (as well as a "living the disease group") where we can all talk about our grief and problems coping and share our hopes and strengths. I do believe in groups, although I have put off going to one myself, just because there seems so much still to "do" and I usually put myself on the bottom of the "to do" list. I have found times though, that sometimes it just gets to be too much, and it comes pouring out. I related to your words yesterday about the times it is difficult to breathe. When my emotions do break through, I have trouble stopping the weeping or crying and my throat becomes painful and closes up and my chest becomes tight and I feel as though I cannot breathe. It frightens me; it's bad enough when this happens when I am alone...I really fer it happening when I am with others. So I tend to cram down the emotions, which I know is really not good to do.

Thinking about your "scar" analogy....I like that. In fact, it makes me think of the scars we sometimes bear with pride and dignity ..... they may not be pretty to others (or even to ourselves) and we don't forget how good it was "before" the scar, but these scars in particular (grief) really do stand for the strength, the courage, the love and the dignity we found we had and that we can always draw on for a grief well suffered, because of our thankfulness that we had these loved ones in our lives, if just for a little while. Bearing these scars well, I believe, helps us to keep them in our lives spiritually!!

God's peace to you Laurie and to all of you.

Sent by betty, FL | 10:48 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Laurie,

So well said. I think the only wrong thing to do is keep it all in and not share with someone, especially yourself.

Sent by Geoff | 10:53 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Well put Laurie. It never completely goes away. Leroy will live on for a very long time.

Sent by Lisa | 10:56 AM ET | 09-26-2008

I am so sorry, Laurie. Life is upturned when you lose the one you love, and grieving is immensely painful and unpredictable. Saint Teresa of Norwich wrote that, "the soul's wounds heal, but the scars remain." How true.
I wish you and all of my dear friends here a peaceful weekend. I will miss you. Love and thoughts to all.

Sent by Tina from Alton, IL | 10:56 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Dearest Laurie,

I cannot imagine what you are going through; I do know, that coping and YOUR SURVIVAL is what is important now. You will get there - and then there will be days when you still think that Leroy is right around the corner. Take care Dearest Laurie.
Love, Jan

Sent by janice goldberg white | 11:25 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Our losses accumulate as wounds if we have been lucky enough, and brave enough, to have loved deeply. Truly, in time, that is something to celebrate.

Sent by Cory from Cowboy Country | 11:32 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Laurie, The giant wound and scar analogy to grieving and healing is so helpful.

I wouldn't trade my scars for anything.

Love, Susan

Sent by Susan C | 11:32 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Hi Laurie:
In my experience with loss, I found that you never forget it but you DO get used to your new life. Support groups aren't for everyone but tend to be more helpful than many people give them credit for, if only to remind yourself that you are not going insane and that you are not alone in your struggle.

I used to work with local seniors and it was recommended that widows/widowers wait three months before joining any of the grief groups. I think the theory about the three-month-wait was the grief would be too fresh to make the sessions constructive.

Be good to yourself, just as you would be to a friend who lost her husband. Seize the day, even when you don't want to!

-- Nancy from Canada

Sent by Nancy | 11:38 AM ET | 09-26-2008

My 15 year-old son lost a close friend to suicide a little over a year ago, which has been very hard for him, coming as it did on the heels of my cancer treatment. He recently had the unfortunate experience of having a grief counselor, visiting his health class, tell them that there was, in fact, a "better" way to grieve. Needless to say, it did not parallel my son's experience, and he was left with the feeling that something was the matter with him for not grieving the "right" way. The only good part of this story is that he was at least able to talk to me about it, so I could reassure him that there is not, in fact, a "better" or "best" way to move on after such a loss - as so many have said already today, there is no handbook. It's experiences such as these that make me wary of being a joiner. That's why I continue to love this blog; no one claims to be an expert, no one tells anyone here what to do or how to do it. It's the simple sharing of like experiences from people who have been there that really helps. I will try to get my son to read the blog today, Laurie - maybe it will make him feel better to know that even grownups have a hard time figuring out how to grieve.

Sent by Gretchen Hoag | 11:40 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Laurie, I was looking at pictures last night and came across ones of my Dad 6 weeks before he died, 9 years ago. I couldn't look at them for long, I felt the hurt somewhere very deep within. When he passed, I went to grief counseling in a group. I found it helpful but what I found even more helpful was to read books about life after death. It may sound strange but I felt such a calm reassurance that we would be together again someday. The missing him never goes away but life does go on. A more current book that helped me tremendously was Don Piper's "90 minutes in heaven" I actually gave it to a friend of mine who was terminally ill and we were then able to talk about dying and what we felt. It doesn't help with the missing or the anger but does give you something to look forward to. Still praying daily for you and everyone struggling with the problems C causes us.

Sent by Jeanne Stevens | 11:47 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Hello Laurie,
I remember when my mom died - nearly 3-years ago from Ovarian cancer. I watched how my dad grieved and how he talked about grieving and how he thought he would literally die from grief. Here is a man who kept his deepest emotions tucked neatly in a box all his life, and all of a sudden he could barely function because of the the grief. He tried grief counseling, he tried working with a therapist, he tried anti-depression drugs, he talked about the need to meditate (all this from a 'stoic' man who spent his life in the world of engineering)...he was told "it takes a full two years to get over the grief"...finally now at over 3-years, he has put pieces of his life back together, but yes - there is and will always be a deep, deep hole in his soul -- but then again, perhaps as it should be. You should never, NEVER, want to forget, you should never, NEVER want to not feel the pain -- it's just that somehow, at some time, in some way that can't be the focus which controls your life. What I observed from his is that there really is no 'one' path to grieving. It is a very personal and profoundly deep experience. We all do it very differently and it also changes from day to day, if not moment to moment.

Sent by Shari Harris-Dunning | 11:55 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Dear Laurie,

A couple of suggestions for you: (1) Write a book about this experience! Obviously you have the skills, and what a tribute to Leroy it would be. And so cathartic for you. (Yes, I'm taking my own advice; working on a memoir of my brother, who lost his battle to the beast two years ago.)
(2) Think about having a reading with a medium. It isn't hogwash! Having Leroy "come through" for you--just imagine what that would be like! (I've done this also, twice now, and the ordinariness of the things my brother communicates is so comforting--just like the whole horrid ordeal never happened. Obviously you need to be very careful about selecting a medium, as there are charlatans out there. I suggest starting with one of the registered mediums at Lily Dale Assembly (www.lilydaleassembly.com).
Sent with love,
Marion

Sent by Marion in Cobleskill, NY | 11:57 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Laurie, it looks to me that, though you may not be a "joiner", you have found your support group equivalent right here.

The wound analogy is a good one except no one sets themselves up to be wounded physically whereas anyone who loves someone sets themselves up for grief. I don't mean that to sound as depressing as it does, just it has sometimes helped me, in grieving, to realize this is all part of love--and
I would not have passed up the love.

Sent by N.R. | 11:57 AM ET | 09-26-2008

Dear Laurie,
My heart goes out to you as the pain of losing Leroy affects each step on your journey through grief.
Five years ago, after doing everything possible at Hopkins, much like your beloved Leroy, my wife, Nancy, died from the effects of ovarian cancer. I've accepted Nancy's death, but I'll never get over it, and am spending the rest of my life trying to get used to it.
Your grief is very new so take life slowly, stay safe and don't lose heart. Also, most friends can't appreciate the depth of loneliness that one may feel.
Love+Hugs/Jerry Cook

Sent by Jerry Cook | 12:00 PM ET | 09-26-2008

Dear Laurie,
As so many have said in today's blog, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Time is the main ingredient to healing the wound that is there. Try to get through one day at a time and at some point it will start to not hurt as bad. Meanwhile, God Bless you and hope your weekend is full of sunshine.

Sent by Teresa in WV | 12:02 PM ET | 09-26-2008

Everyone who has been through this feels your pain and there is no one-size fits all plan. Time helps - but hearing that doesn't.

Just know that Leroy loved you and no one would cry harder than he would if he saw how you hurting now.

Many of us "my cancer" peeps are here as part of a mourning (in my case it's still going on after 7 years) process.

I am sure you wish Leroy were there tonight to watch the debate with you! Hope you have invited a friend over to watch it so you aren't alone.

Love hurts!

Sent by Liz L. | 12:03 PM ET | 09-26-2008

Hi Laurie,
I think you are so right with your comparison of having a large bandage that will get smaller. I hope for you there are many people helping with this large loss. And helping with you putting bandages or other comforts to help you with this loss.

Your posting today made me think of an essay in the NPR's This I Believe the essay is called The Hardest work you will ever do One of the lines in the essay is " Being open to your grief is the hardest work you will ever do.

I wish you and others grieving a peaceful day

Karen

Sent by Karen | 12:36 PM ET | 09-26-2008

Laurie,

I have noticed exactly what you are saying. When did a timetable for grieving become a measuring tool for mental health? That's so ridiculous! I can't help but think that it's just a marketing tool for big pharma. No more, no less. Take all the time you need. If you measure your progress by the so-called rules, it will just add frustration to your process. Ignore them and continue your progress on your terms.

Hugs and prayers to you.

Sent by Kathy B. | 12:37 PM ET | 09-26-2008

I feel a lot of compassion for you and can only imagine what you are going through. I can remember in rough patches in my life of waking up in the middle of the nite or in the morning and thinking "Oh, that was only a bad dream" only to realize it was very real. It can be immobilizing and that's when I really relied on family and friends to pick me up. I hope you are surrounded by love and compassion.

Sent by Beth S | 12:41 PM ET | 09-26-2008

lAURA, YOU ARE DOING SO GOOD. I WILL SAY THAT AS TIME GOES ON YOU WILL HAVE SOME DAYS THAT WILL BE WORSE THAN NOW. WE EACH LEARN TO HANDLE IT OUR WAYS. TO ME A GROUP OF GRIEVING PEOPLE ONLY CAUSE YOU TO BE MORE DEPRESSED BECAUSE YOU FEEL FOR EACH OF THOSE IN ADDITION TO YOUR SORROW. I JUST HAD A QUILT MADE FROM MY GRANDDAUGTHER'S SORIETY SHIRTS AND A FEW PICTURES WERE ADDED AND THE LADY THAT DID THE QUILT THOUGHT THAT IT MIGHT BE SAD FOR ME. HOWEVER WHEN I SAW HOW BEAUTIFUL IT WAS I WAS SO HAPPY. NOW I AM WORKING ON SAVING MY MONEY TO HAVE ANOTHER ONE MADE OF HER DANCE SHIRTS WITH A FEW YOUNGER PICTURES. IT IS STRANGE TO HAVE SOMETHING LIKE THAT EFFECT ME IN SUCH A POSITION WAY. SO, I KNOW YOU TOO WILL FIND SOME WONDERFUL WAYS TO BRING JOY WITH GRIEF. NO PERSON KNOWS UNTIL IT HAPPENS TO THEM. REMEMBER WE DIDN'T LOSE THEM WE KNOW WHERE THEY ARE AND WE WILL SEE THEM AGAIN IN PERFECT HEALTH. KEEP WRITING YOU ARE DOING AN EXCELLENT JOB AND HOPEFULLY THE PEOPLE WHO NEED YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELING CAN USE THEM FOR THEIR BENEFIT. GOD BLESS YOU.

Sent by mAVIS | 12:44 PM ET | 09-26-2008

Dear Laurie.........this ones for you

He's Free
by Judy Gagnon

I knew you had to go away
it was your time you see
but I didn't take the time to face
that you were leaving me.

You weren't afraid of dying
for you knew what lay in store
in the blinking of an eye
or the closing of a door.

You shared with us a journey
that only you could see
and helped us understand God's way
as it was meant to be.

Life had so restricted you
your spirit is now free
to go explore the universe
for all eternity

Prayers to all.....

Sent by sasha | 1:01 PM ET | 09-26-2008

Your thoughts and feelings this morning, Laurie - and those of everyone else here - are as wise and insightful as any holy being. I cannot add another word or reveal another insight; but just want to say that I am thinking of you (all) today with great love and hope for glimmering threads of unexpected solace.

Sent by Kim Forester, Pullman WA | 1:11 PM ET | 09-26-2008

There are no rules, no timelines, no mandates, only our shared experiences.

I would recommend C.S. Lewis' memoir, A Grief Observed. It won't be a panacea, but it might help you feel not so bad.

Sent by GFC | 1:21 PM ET | 09-26-2008

Laurie, Never really goes away. The giant wound will get smaller, but it will never disappear. I'm not a joiner either, so we just muddle thru I guess. Peaceful weekend, Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 1:36 PM ET | 09-26-2008

Dear Laurie,

The description of your grief and pain is so powerful and true. It's as if every cell in your body and every part of your soul are infused with the most raw and gut wrenching pain ever. Until I walked in those shoes, I never imagined grief could HURT so bad, physically and spiritually. Sometimes I felt like I was suffocating and could barely breathe or swallow.

And the depth of one's grief is invisible to others. You may have tears, you may look drawn and exhausted but if grief could be made visible on your body, many of your wounds would gaping, raw & oozing. Most would probably not even have a band-aid covering them yet. That's how fresh and "untreated" your grief is over the loss of your beloved Leroy. I'm not a joiner either but I think that giving words to your grief, talking, laughing and crying about Leroy and telling your story over and over again are very therapeutic. And remember, your deep grief is a testament to the extraordinary love and friendship you and Leroy shared for so many years. That's truly why it hurts so much.

We will listen, comfort, cry and "hold you close." Hugs, Nancy B from WI

Sent by Nancy B | 1:37 PM ET | 09-26-2008

I am still grieving over the loss of my 9 year old son in Feb 2008. Some days are better than others. I am shocked that I can still laugh at all - but I can. Somedays even taking a full breath is too much. It lets me feel too much. I couldn't even ride a rollercoaster with my 13 year old son. The feeling of falling and being out of control was too much. But then there are good moments too.

Everyone is different but grief is universal. I am not a "joiner" either but going to a support group helps me understand that I am not going crazy and that other people have survived and even thrived after a devastating loss. The only thing that has given me joy is to help others. I think of my deceased son when I do a good deed and think how proud he would be of me. It helps.

Sent by Tammy, Ohio | 1:43 PM ET | 09-26-2008

When I was 19, my brother Greg was killed on his way home to NJ from New Hampshire for our older brothers' wedding. He stopped in Troy, NY to visit with a family who'd previously lived in our NJ town. The parents were both teachers at our high school, and the older child, their daughter, was in Gregs' year in HS, and was his best friends' girlfriend. The 45 yr old mother, their 17 yr old son, and my 21 yr old brother were all killed when a drunk driver ran into them.
Greg was my best friend in the world. We "got" each other. He'd recently sent a letter to me asking if I'd like to take a long distance bike ride with him. We regularly wrote letters to one another. He was interested in what I was doing, and what I took interest in.
We had his funeral on Wed, and Allans' wedding on the following Sat. My remaining family and I were all in a state of shock. My father kept saying "funeral" when he meant "wedding" and vice versa. I felt as though I was in suspended animation. I couldn't eat for four days. For a couple of years, I jumped whenever the phone rang, and was terrified that other members of my family would be snatched away from me. I was a mess, and probably close to the edge of a nervous breakdown for much of that time.
What eventually got me through the grief of loosing the one member of my family who I felt really close to was talk. I talked to my friends about Greg often. I got therapy and talked about his loss. Over time, I got my equilibrium back. I stopped crying at the drop of a hat. I stopped being convnced that I'd get another 2am call telling me that another family member was gone. Life went on. It can't help but to go on, and neither can we. Grief is a fire that we can't avoid. We HAVE to go through it to get past it. If we try to stuff the feelings, they find ways to come out, and can ambush us when we least expect it.
I don't know you Laurie, so I won't presume to tell you how I think you should approach grieving. You are finding your own way. I just know that it's normal to feel anger towards the person who "left" us, even though they didn't choose to. It's normal to feel hopeless, unmotivated, uninterested in life around us. It's normal for a time. You'll feel it in yourself when it's time to begin to come out of grief. May that day be the perfect day for you to do so. Consider yourself hugged.

Sent by Nancy K Clark | 1:44 PM ET | 09-26-2008

When my father died, a friend shared another analogy about the grieving process. He said it's like the phases of a pond in wintertime. Initially it's liquid, with maybe a thin layer of ice; you'd fall right in and drown if you stepped on it. Gradually, the ice thickens, but but sometimes thaws weaken or completely melt it, and the process begins anew. And always there are places where the ice is uneven -- so you have to step out onto it cautiously and know that you may have to retreat quickly. Finally, finally the ice is solid and thick and reliable enough to walk on. But you're always aware of the water underneath.

Take your time - yours, nobody else's.

Sent by Lisa L. | 1:53 PM ET | 09-26-2008

during the year of my 22yr son's cancer and his passing, I have lost some weight ... I constantly hear how "Great I'm Doing" idiots! if 4 months after losing my legs (vs losing weight) would people still be telling me how "Great I'm Doing" ???????????????
for I would be "doing great" if I were being pushed by my son in a wheelchair.

Sent by Missing My Son | 2:07 PM ET | 09-26-2008

As I have said before, you bury the pain under days.

Sent by Marilyn Trujillo | 2:15 PM ET | 09-26-2008

Last night I finally had the courage to watch the memorial service for Leroy. My eyes are all puffy today, I cried myself to sleep....Thank you for sharing him with all of us.

Sent by joan beth smith | 2:29 PM ET | 09-26-2008

Lauri -

I have been following your discussion since Leroy's death. You possess tremendous courage to be willing to share this very important process so publicly.

Speaking from personal experience, cancer battles are "in vogue" these days and draw lots of interest. However, the battle that comes after the loss for the ones left be behind do not draw the same level of attention or support - case in point, the number of comments to this blog have dropped significantly.

I am hoping you continue to have the strength to continue this discussion, Lauri. I lost my mother a year ago after a year-long cancer battle. Cancer is destructive and like a hurricane takes everything it its path, not just the person affected by it. Your writings resonate with me. There are reminders everywhere and you are left wondering what to do with them. YOur comments about TV were spot on. My mother became a TV addict, especially towards the end when she was in so much pain. I can't even turn it on these days.

There is still important work to be done with this blog, Lauri and I hope it continues....

All my very best to you...debbi

Sent by debbi conway | 2:40 PM ET | 09-26-2008

My grandfather's passing was the first time I had to deal with death. I had friends who had lost family members and other friends, but even though I tried to understand what they were going through it wasn't the same. And I realized this only after my Pawpaw suddenly left us.
I look at my husband every day and am thankful for the blessings in my life. And when I look at my grandmother my heart aches in ways I never imagined...for how she must feel, because after losing my grandfather I saw my husband and our relationship in a completely new light. And I really don't think I could or would want to go on without him.
I read A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis after my grandfather's passing. You could relate much better than I, but even still it helped me to see that I wasn't alone in my anger and frustrations. By the end I was ready to grieve freely.
My heart simply breaks for you every time I check this blog, but I'm sure Leroy is still with you and will help guide you through this difficult time. My prayers are with you.

Sent by Mel | 3:13 PM ET | 09-26-2008

yep. that's it. the hardest thing to say in a timely fashion is, "live as fully as you can while your loved one is here. we all have forever to be sad." as true as it is, there is an uncomfortable inevitability in the statement that should not have a light shone on it by a well-meaning stranger. May your pain be punctuated with as many realizations as possible of: "h0ly cr@p am I glad we did that!"

aside: there is an absolutely beautiful episode of 'frontline' called 'the undertaking', which does not tell anyone how to feel. i recommend watching it -- but NOT until a year or more has passed; there is such a thing as 'too soon' with that one. it is absolutely lovely. my sister & i found it enormously strange and comforting and mind-expanding. but very seriously. do not watch it too soon.

Sent by mary | 3:14 PM ET | 09-26-2008

I remember when my dad suddenly died in 1995 how the whole world felt like a strange place..I'd be shopping and see everyone at the store and wonder how they could go on with their lives when mine felt shattered. I could think of nothing but him, didn't want to always feel like this but the thought of him receeding from my mind felt like even a deeper loss. All I wanted to know is "will I ever feel better? Will life be good again?" And I can say Yes. The scar and the missing remains, but it's not like now - in fact, although it sounds cliche, it is true - the warm memories become stronger than the pain. Yes, those moments still happen where I miss him painfully, but most of the time when I think of him it's with the comforting sense of how I was and still am loved, and with a smile at all those little quirky things I loved about him.

Thank you, Laurie, for your generous spirit..

Sent by Terri | 3:19 PM ET | 09-26-2008

Dear Laurie,
Grief is indeed a profound insult to the soul as I have learned with the loss of family members and friends. I read somewhere that with time grief breaks out less often, but it is never entirely gone. I think that's where the scar you mentioned comes in.

Thank you for being here for Leroy, yourself and all the rest of us on this journey.

Sent by Linda Mc | 3:28 PM ET | 09-26-2008

Laurie, whatever works for you at the moment is right. That "whatever" will change by the day or by the hour. After nearly sixteen years, I still have a scar but it's less visible than it was in the beginning. As odd as it may sound, I'm very proud of that scar. I'm not happy it's there, but I just had to get used to it. Currently, I am in Alaska, where my Don used to live and fly float planes. An Alaska friend still had some of his ashes and we distributed them in one of Don's favorite lake destinations (which we accessed by float plane - my first such trip) a couple of days ago. Nearly sixteen years later, the scar became a tiny bit more visible than it had been a week ago. But, I was glad to see it again and rub my hands over it. Sometimes, it's good to be reminded that I still have it - and for others to find that it is a bit more visible, too. That way, Don stays alive in our hearts. This may sound crazy...but it's very normal and comforting to me.

Sent by Jan Richardson, Olympia, WA (from Juneau & Ketchikan, AK) | 3:39 PM ET | 09-26-2008

Dear Laurie,
I have never posted but I have been reading Leroy and your blog for a long time. You have so many wonderful people supporting you that I didn't feel I had much to add that wasn't already said. But I have had you both in my thoughts all this time.

When my mother died after her fight with cancer 8 years ago (I was 20), I felt just as you do today.
As I was trying to figure out the "right way to grieve" and what I should do, how I should feel, etc. a good friend of mine gave me, what to me was the best, most important advice I could get at that time.

He grew up in a funeral home and interacting with people who just lost their loved ones was his daily world. And this is what he had to say:

"There is no wrong way to grieve"

So just do what you feel like, do whatever feels helpful, everything you do is right!

With love,
Susanne

Sent by Susanne | 3:39 PM ET | 09-26-2008

Thank you Jen for noticing and extending your prayers to us. We appreciate them and love you all.
Yes, I felt compelled to write again because I guess I needed the comfort. I am scared, although my husband is, as he has always been, calm and steady.
And- Sasha, your poem is beautiful! How are you doing? Laurie, what a great group of human beings Leroy and you have attracted!

Sent by J C R | 3:40 PM ET | 09-26-2008

Dear Laurie,
I think the giant wounds from losing someone we love so deeply not only leave lifelong scars, but also often leave people with wide open hearts and heightened sensitivity to suffering in others. In other words, terrible grief frequently leads to greater compassion and love for our fellow man and woman. Somehow, the children's book The Velveteen Rabbit comes to mind. Being loved left the stuffed bunny all ragged, stained and battered. In your case, the scars come from being brave enough to love.

I wish you a weekend of peace and happy memories.

Sent by Doris | 3:45 PM ET | 09-26-2008

Nikki in Kansas - love the poem. It says it all. I will always have a hole in my heart for my husband. It will never heal completely.

Sent by Deb from Michigan | 4:00 PM ET | 09-26-2008

Dear Laurie,

I am a 56 year old women who has been single for many years. I have longed for the kind of love you have for Leroy. Reading your blog touches me so much because you loved him so much. Oh, to feel that love again for someone. I know how bad you hurt, but even your pain makes me envious for the kind of love you have shared with Leroy.

Sent by Jbell | 4:14 PM ET | 09-26-2008

Laurie- You are such an example of what people go through when they loose the love of their life. You have to ask yourself- if you had a choice to not have had Leroy so this grief could be avoided, what would you choose? Of course, we all know you wouldn't have missed a minute of your life with Leroy. So, now your grief is real and appropriate no matter what form it is in. In time, you will learn to live with the pain and in more time the pain will give way to happy memories. I miss Leroy and I didn't even personally know him.

I thank Leroy and you for sharing with this community. You are a very generous person with a huge heart.

Sent by linda h. | 4:21 PM ET | 09-26-2008

Giant losses leave giant wounds. You are right,Laurie. The wound will heal with time and leave a lifetime scar.

Make sure you are taking good care of yourself so that you can heal. The healing will not be linear, more like a zig-zag. Some days it will feel like you are standing still,other days like you are going backwards. Then you'll notice tentative steps being made forward. It will take time,lots of time. Give yourself that time, Laurie.

Sent by Marilyn | 5:16 PM ET | 09-26-2008

After watching the memorial service - and finally *really* getting what a remarkable human being Leroy was (when his college roommate remarked that all that best stuff was already there in 18-yr old Leroy), I am in awe that you can even lift your head off the pillow and function at all after losing him. I describe my grief at losing my mother as feeling like I've been hit in the head with a 2x4. I also speak about that scar analogy, but the hard part for me is when something happens that rips that bandage off and I'm back with a fresh wound. It's 2x4 time all over again...It's time to borrow from my friends who battle addictions: One Day/Hour/Minute/Second/Nanosecond At A Time.

Warmest thoughts to support you,Laurie.

Sent by Terri | 7:25 PM ET | 09-26-2008

Nikki and Sasha,
Thanks for sharing the beautiful poems. They say what we feel...
Jane

Sent by Jane in AR | 8:12 PM ET | 09-26-2008

Hi Laurie,
I don't know how spouses get through this. When my dad died, I just didn't know how to comfort my mother. It was so painful, so horrible for me but for her it was a loss that enveloped her entire adult life. Six years have passed and my mother has put the worst behind. She's a strong woman at 86 yrs. Now I know this is how we (her children) learn to be. You are a strong woman, Laurie. You will get through this even with that scar. Bless you and thank you.

Sent by Paulette | 8:33 PM ET | 09-26-2008

Laurie, my dad died of lung cancer many years ago and I remember just a vividly today as I did then thinking we are the victims' victims. It is still so sad at times when I consider all the days he has missed, all the history he has not witnessed. I have found my way through his not being here and you will also find a way without Leroy. Each of us in cancer world will write our own chapters in this book of life, hold the pen gently as the pages are made of hearts and souls.

Sent by Mary Boltz | 9:30 PM ET | 09-26-2008

Laurie,
I hope we are all a little piece of that band aid you are wearing. Those of us who are "lifegivers" can't imagine the depths of your grief but we are with you every step of the way. I buried my friend on this rainy, gloomy day and the pain of that is so very fresh. Another friend will be having a brain tumor that is believed to be non-malignant, removed at Johns Hopkins on Monday so our concern for her is a different kind of grief. She and her family will grieve for the things she is likely to lose and will have to regain...walking is one of them. I hope each day shrinks that band aid just a little but no doubt there are some days when it will expand a little.

To J C R...
My husbands prostate cancer spread to his bones very quickly but should have never gone to his brain. Technically it was only in the skull thus still in the bony area. Somehow cancer seems to forget the rules sometimes.

Lifting to all.

Sent by Kathie | 10:04 PM ET | 09-26-2008

Every grief is different, Laurie. No one goes through it in exactly the same way, nor can any one person tell another how to go through it. One of the keys, I think, is continually striving to be in touch with our feelings and to be honest about them.

Carl
"A Pastor's Cancer Diary"
http://www.cewilton.blogspot.com

Sent by Carl Wilton | 1:05 AM ET | 09-27-2008

Laurie, I didn't read a lot of the comments, and so hope that I am not repeating the words of others, or, if I am, that I am fortifying the perspective.

Cancer is not a beast. It is a bunch of mutant cells, it is a part of nature. It SEEMS like a beast to us, because it has such a large impact on us, both as survivors and as caregivers.

But it is not a beast.

The real deal is this: cancer gets what it gets. We fight it, as survivors and caregivers, and sometimes we have success, and sometimes we do not. In any event, cancer gets what it gets.

Then, it is up to us to decide what ELSE it will get. Cancer has taken a part of my tongue. It has taken a piece of my neck. It has taken a lobe from my lung. That is what cancer got from me.

Otherwise, I could let it take away my dignity, take away my enjoyment of life, take away the time I spend with my family and with my friends, take away much more than it was ever meant to take.

So, too, for those who care for me, my wife and children in particular, and especially my wife. It DOES impact our psyches, as you realize. But we CAN control that. We can decide that cancer will not win that battle it is not armed to win.

That is what you must consider now. Grief is natural. Over time we must hope that tears of grief become tears of joy as your lamentation turns to memories of joyous times.

In the meantime, you cannot allow cancer to take more from you than it already has. It is as simple as that.

Take care.

Sent by soccerfreaks | 3:32 AM ET | 09-27-2008

When you are ready, you will do what is right for you. Support groups are helpful safety nets. There are no rules for grief. I wish peaceful days.

Sent by Rochelle | 10:43 AM ET | 09-27-2008

Laurie,

We are here for you through the good days and the bad.

Sent by Marie | 1:57 PM ET | 09-27-2008

Dear Laurie,

I remember sitting with my mother & watching Leroy's special, Living With Cancer. We listened and were inspired.

5 years ago is when our lives were forever changed - when my mother was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer. She lived almost 4 years, every day of which was a gift.

After watching Leroy's documentary, I felt a connection to both of you. I would read his blog quite often, and even though every one wasn't joyful, I was given relief by reading it. I appreciated how he could take the most complex of situations and feelings and consisely put them into one little blog. Sometimes one sentence could say so much.

I wanted to check on him and read what he had to say, so I googled his name today only to find that he had passed. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of such an incredible person.

I want to thank you for continuing his blog, because reading your entries has helped me so much too.

I understand all that you have to do now. Reading about this part of your journey had me shaking my head and understanding every word of what you wrote.

Take good care of yourself, as I'm sure you are. Find time to laugh. I wish you peace - in your mind and in your heart.

Sent by Carla | 3:53 PM ET | 09-27-2008

I just finished a book called: "The Geography of Love: A Memoir," by Glenda Burgess (Broadway Books, 2008). Though I do not have the author's permission, and am therefore uncertain of the legalities involved, I would like to quote her last page. She has written about the loss of her beloved husband to death from cancer. She writes:

Only now, in the wake of loss, do I truly understand. Dying is a part of the dance, marking the shift of gathered dust from form to light, from shoes by the side of the bed to memories caught on the laugh of a child. I once heard the phrase 'a parenthesis in eternity' used to describe mankind's existence. The here and not here. What hurts so very badly is to exist on the opposite side of this parenthesis....Oh what have I learned of atoms and love? They dance."

Sent by Joyce Smith | 5:17 PM ET | 09-27-2008

Grieving is the absolute most intensely sorrowful experience we humans can endure. My mantra when I was in it's depths was 'The only way forward is through'. I found exercise to be extremely helpful. But I hope you allow yourself as much time as you can to absorb this painful challenge, and surround yourself with good, true friends. All the best and take care.

Sent by patricia | 9:06 PM ET | 09-27-2008

The scar remains. As for the pain, let me tell you how its changed over time. It isn't that the pain of memories, the laughter at a silly old joke, the tears at realizing an incompleteness, it isn't like the intensity of loss ever goes away. For me, it's just that it comes to visit less and less often. After years, though, it still comes back time to time, a reminder of how much I loved someone. How important it is to keep loving that person. We are with you in our hopes and wishes. Always.

Sent by tom portante | 10:09 PM ET | 09-27-2008

Graham,
I love you back! Thank you for such kind words. You are so dear to me!
Sasha, Sue, Nikki, Jeanne, and all of you, thank you! I had my massage yesterday, WOW! I should have done that ages ago! The hard part was letting the lady know that Neil had passed and then we removed his records. We did it together and that helped but it was another first that I got through.
I don't know what I would do without the words of comfort that come through here. First it was Leroy's words of strength and encouragement, now it is Laurie and this family that hold it all together.
It is truly a gift, thank you Leroy.
JCR...welcome back, I will lift you and your husband too!
Much love and continued prayers.

Sent by Laurie Hirth | 8:18 AM ET | 09-28-2008

My heart hurts for you. There is no recipe for this process. Each day is different. Remember to be good to yourself and stay well. Cherish the wonderful memories and thoughts of Leroy and smile. It helps.

Sent by anne lumberger | 8:25 AM ET | 09-28-2008

Hi Laurie,
You will never forget the journey you have been on,but in time the pain and grief will lessen, take as long as you need to. I know now it seem impossible, but you will heal, and the scar will fade.Give youself credit for as far as you have come already, and it hasn't been that long.
Page - Gresham, Oregon

Sent by Page Hendryx | 7:10 PM ET | 09-28-2008

I have lost so many family members due to cancer. Being in the cancer community for eleven years after my own dx. As a caregiver and patient. I think your right Laurie. Big losses leave huge wounds. I still have several of them.
I lost my Grandfather just about twenty three years ago. Its been years but the scar is deep. I can't get past he had the same cancer as me. Although it was his... its the same kind I have. IT was so hard my Dad never told me we had the same cancer till my third time around.
My Dad till this day although my Grandfather has been gone a long time still can't talk about my situation. Its to painful for him. I so wish he could but grieving is tough and I don't know if it changes. Surely no book on it
that's forsure.
Its hard my Dad lost his whole family but one to cancer. He has one brother left that's it.
So being the first one in the third generation is kinda weird. No one talks about it.
Thank God my own family under my own roof can.
Your right there is a life time scar. There is no getting around it just through it with the help of those who care and plan on being around to lift!

Lifting 123...

Sent by Kerry in Michigan | 8:00 PM ET | 09-28-2008

Hi Laurie -

There is a nifty little book I have used for years titled "How to Survive the Loss of a Love". It's written by a poet, a PhD and an MD. They make a great mix.

This poem seems to fit, for now:

I'm past the point of going
quietly insane.
I'm getting quite
noisy about it.
The neighbors must think
I'm mad.
The neighbors, for once,
think right.

Peace,
Tally

Sent by tally | 3:41 AM ET | 09-29-2008

Dear Laurie,
I am thinking of you each and every day. The grieving process is so unpredictable. At this time, your pain is still so raw. I know, it's hard to imagine ever feeling better. Grief and sorrow sneak up throughout the day and can be surprising painful. It's best to just allow the process to happen and do not fight it, if that makes any sense. Let yourself grieve any way that you want and don't feel like you are on anyone's timetable for feeling better. Friends will help you, family will be there for you, but nothing, nothing really helps heal a wound this large but time. But, not now. Don't think of time just now. Just keep that bandage on and let others try to help you tend to that wound.

Sent by Catherine | 8:57 PM ET | 09-29-2008